Gundam SEED: Bloodlines
by thebigmacattack
Summary: What if Cagalli was in Kira's position, and vice versa? How would this affect everyone's lives, and the story of Gundam SEED? This fic explores the possibilities, retelling the SEED story with key differences major and minor from Cagalli's perspective.
1. We Were So Close Together

I'm using this fic to tide people over for the moment, until Gundam SEED: Kismet is ready to be posted and completed. Much like Kismet, the mechatalk forums will receive the chapters first, but FF will get the improved version. In this case, FF gets the first chapter within hours of mechatalk.

I hope people enjoy it. Expect updates roughly once a week, maybe twice if I can afford to be generous.

EDIT 10/6/2012: For much of the fic, there is a young girl featured prominently. Originally, she was called "Melanie". The truth is, she is the girl that Kira meets in Gundam SEED, the girl who goes on the space shuttle heading back to Earth in episode 13. That girl is canonically named "Elle". I have taken the action of changing all mentions of "Melanie" to "Elle", to emphasize that she is NOT an OC, but a canonical character. Thank you for reading.

EDIT 12/24/2012: I've labeled Kismet as a deadfic. I've folded a couple of the plotlines into the Bloodlines universe, though they will be portrayed differently than they were in Kismet.

* * *

_Life is so peculiar,  
all you really have to say is "that's life"._  
-Louis Armstrong

**Part One: Invoke**

**Chapter One: We Were So Close Together**

I guess the best way to tell the beginning is to start at an end. Not _the_ end, of course. But an end of _something_.

I was leaving the academy on the dark side of the moon that day. I was finished with junior high, and my parents, who had adopted me as a baby, wanted me to attend high school and college as an Orb citizen. They didn't want their child to grow up a pawn of the PLANTs, the orbital cities controlled by the Coordinators.

I didn't fully understand why at the time. I was still young. And I was a Coordinator myself. Why should I be separated from my friends? My kind? The kind of people genetically superior to normal human beings?

It's become clear to me that my parents wanted me to learn tolerance, and make friends with normal human beings, who, unsurprisingly, are called "Naturals". I had to learn that Naturals are humans too. Coordinators are not evolved from Naturals . . . just different. But we all have our humanity in common.

Those who forget that are destined to cause only strife, chaos, and hatred. And there are many who forget.

At the academy, you graduated at age thirteen. Just as hormones started to kick in. And, much to my surprise, I was becoming more and more drawn to my best friend.

That's not supposed to happen. People don't fall for their best friends. But we were becoming drawn to each other.

As we met in the park one last time, I saw my best friend, with his silly yet endearing beret on his blue-haired head. The beret did not disguise his long, flowing hair, that made him look somewhat feminine.

He smiled at me, in such a gentle, kind way. "I guess we'll see each other after high school, huh?"

I smiled back. "Yeah."

We both knew it was a lie. My best friend was Athrun Zala, the son of an important politician for the government that controlled the PLANT orbital cities. The Zodiac Alliance of Freedom Treaty, or ZAFT, dominated Coordinator affairs, even for Coordinators who lived on Earth. I don't get the government's name, personally, it seems unnecessarily awkward, but no one listens to language majors like me.

Athrun walked up to me. "I know things don't look good right now, but my father promised there won't be any conflict between the ZAFT and Earth. I believe him."

I didn't like Athrun's father very much, but I knew better than to argue with him. "I hope everything turns out okay, then."

Athrun gazed in my eyes, and then looked away, his face turning red a bit. I was well aware he was crushing on me, which made it even harder for me to avoid showing any overt feelings.

We were thirteen. It was so awkward.

Finally, Athrun took his robotic bird, appropriately named "Tori", the Japanese word for 'bird', and cupped it in his hands. The bird chirped in a confused manner, but then its head swiveled to look at me, and it seemed to realize something I wasn't.

"I . . . I want to give you something to remember me by," Athrun said, his cheeks flushing even more than before, if that was possible.

"You're giving me Tori?" I asked.

"Yeah. You've always wanted a robotic pet, and I think it's about time you had one." Athrun looked at Tori, and said "There's your new master, right over there."

Tori's head turned at me, and then it took off from Athrun's hands, and flew in a couple of circles above our heads, before it rested on my left shoulder.

Now I was blushing. "Thank you."

Athrun nodded. He turned, and I looked in the same direction. All of our friends were already with their parents, and preparing to leave the student grounds. Athrun's father was nowhere to be seen, but that could change at any moment.

Athrun bit his lip. "I . . . I've wanted to say something to you for a long time."

"Yeah?" I asked.

"I . . . I like you. I really like you."

I didn't quite know how to answer that. "Uh . . . thank you? I mean, we're friends, but . . ."

Suddenly, I heard Athrun's father. "Athrun, what are you doing? We need to leave! I have a meeting in three hours and we're four hours away from getting to the nearest PLANT!"

Athrun shook his head. "I can't believe I'm doing this."

He ran forward and kissed me.

Tori took off from my shoulder, and flew all around us. I thought about punching him, which is what I usually did when boys messed with me, but I realized I didn't want to do that. Not to Athrun.

I felt so uncomfortable in that instance, but it didn't feel _wrong_, either.

I had no idea how to react. I had never been kissed by a boy before.

He separated, and then shook his head. "I . . . I'm sorry. I just . . ."

"It's okay. I think," I replied.

His eyes seemed to moisten just a little bit. "I hope we can see each other soon . . . Cagalli."

"Yeah. Me too."

And then he took off in the direction of his father, who had a most amusing expression on his face. After all, he had just witnessed his son kissing a girl on the mouth. I'm sure Athrun's father hadn't exactly envisioned his son kissing _anybody_ for a couple more years.

As usual, I was left waiting in the park, waiting for my parents to come get me. They were always so slow, because they had to clear roughly a zillion levels of ZAFT security just to gain access to the academy. I was almost always the last child to be picked up at the end of any given semester at the academy because of that.

But this time, it felt different than usual. I had the uncanny feeling that Athrun was leaving me behind.

It turned out that the feeling was true. Horribly true, in ways I could never imagine.

Because it was the day we were destined to be on different sides.

* * *

It was five years later when the beginning happened in force. One thing hadn't changed: I was always shipped off to an Academy, except Orb didn't strip-search my parents five or six times before letting them into a colony. The result was that I was picked up like any normal kid at the end of the semester. That went for being dropped off, too.

In the end, I was happy when I finally became a college student and could control my own destiny.

Orb liked the emulate the ZAFT education system, which meant you entered college as a sixteen year old. The idea was that you would graduate and be ready for adult life once you left your teens. Theoretically, the immaturity would be beaten out of you as more and more responsibility and pressures were placed upon you. You could not be a "party animal" and survive in an Orb college, at least not for long.

Orb's education system was considered more difficult than either the Earth Alliance's or the ZAFT's, because Naturals were being put through a regimen made for Coordinators. For me, I felt comfortable, comfortable enough that I was a rare double major, in both language and political science. For the Naturals that surrounded me . . . not so much.

Let's put it this way, athletics, especially at industrial colleges, were not on the priority list. Orb was regularly blown out whenever their college teams faced EA schools. It didn't help that EA schools had a two year age difference too, our students were playing twenty-somethings.

Of course, Coordinators were disallowed from competing in athletics, and I didn't make a deal of it. I didn't want people to know I was a Coordinator, and so did my best to hide it. The result was that I came off as an unusual prodigy, and while there were rumbles that I had to be a Coordinator, no one really investigated, because I wasn't doing anything wrong. And it wasn't like Coordinators could be turned away from Orb classes. After all, it is based on the ZAFT system. Practically the same education.

At the same time, I was filled with so much pent-up energy that I ran and worked out on a daily basis. I had been a great athlete at Coordinator academies, and being denied that opportunity drove me insane. So I ran, lifted weights, even experimented in parkour (and broke a bone more than a few times attempting something stupid even by Coordinator standards).

It was my first year of college, my second semester actually. The colony of Heliopolis was considered a haven for the weapons corporations Morgenroete, they loved to pull students out of Heliopolis colleges. Heliopolis had a beautiful interior, but unlike the PLANTs, it was obvious that you lived in the colony. Distant skylights were visible above. If you dug too deep into soil you hit metal. Oftentimes, you would spot workers trying to fix up a mild issue in the plating or circulation, a rare, and heavily disguised, occurrence in the PLANTs.

It was just a reminder that I was with a generation of people whose nationalities were from the Earth.

I had finished my homework early that morning, and spent the remaining time jogging. It felt more productive to me than sitting down and watching TV.

I collapsed on a park bench near the college, wiped my blonde bangs away from my eyes, and Tori, like always, landed on my shoulder. I just stared at it. "Oh sure. You never get tired."

Tori chirped.

"Stop rubbing it in, why don't ya?" I looked up and stared at the artificial sky.

No sign of the simulated rain that was going to begin later today. I almost wished it would start early so I could cool off.

I then heard a familiar voice. "Cagalli! Hey, Cagalli!"

"Tolle." I got up just in time to catch him as he embraced me. Tolle Koenig happened to be my boyfriend.

He separated pretty fast. "Oh man, you're sweaty!"

"I took a run this morning."

"I keep forgetting you're a health nut."

"Well, I keep forgetting that you like to hug me." I turned and saw Miriallia Haw, a girl about my age with blue eyes and caramel-blonde hair, standing right behind Tolle. "Hey, what's up?"

"I have a question for you, political-science major."

"Oh yeah?"

"Take a look at this."

She was bringing over her tablet, and I sighed. Miriallia was paranoid over Orb being attacked by ZAFT even though Orb was neutral. Given that Orb was governed by Naturals, the Coordinators' enemy, I didn't blame her.

Tolle just sighed and rubbed the back of his brown hair. "Miri, do you have to keep shoving that stuff in Cagalli's face? I mean, we're already dragging her to the lab on Professor Kato's orders."

"What, Kato wants me again?"

"You make his papers readable," Tolle said with a laugh.

"I'm sick of him leaning on me like a crutch," I said.

"You're the one who made human genomes sound exciting. You did it to yourself," Tolle said.

Professor Kato had a reputation of being a brilliant mind but also being a horrendous writer. Dull prose, misplaced modifiers, atrocious grammar, you name a writing flaw, he had it. It made him a bit of a laughingstock until he hired me to edit and fix his papers. It was good money, but highly stressful considering he gave me really short deadlines.

I wasn't looking forward to spending half a day fixing yet another paper for the guy.

"Yeah, I guess I did," I said.

Miriallia got her tablet turned on, and shoved it in front of my face. "Seriously, look at this!"

I stared at the news anchor. She looked professional, trim, young, and soulless. News anchors had to look so perfect that you couldn't see the humanity in them. They looked almost like machines.

_"ZAFT forces have invaded the island of Taiwan, after it was leaked that the neutral nation had secret dealings with the Republic of East Asia and the North American Federation last week. The ZAFT promised retribution for breaking neutrality rules, and currently Taiwan's forces are fighting a losing battle. Both the REA and NAF are promising reinforcements but as of right now Taipei in under siege and the entire southern half of the island is in ZAFT country." _

"Look at how close Taiwan is to the Orb mainland," Miriallia said.

I sighed. "Don't worry about it. I doubt Lord Uzumi would be stupid enough to provoke the ZAFT."

"You sure?" Miriallia asked.

"Look, we have nothing here the ZAFT would want."

"What if there's something secret?" Miriallia asked.

"Then we're screwed. But I doubt either Lord Izumi or Morgenroete would be stupid enough to provoke the ZAFT. And if they are, well . . . what happens, happens."

Miriallia's face looked like she was about to be hit by falling sky. Tolle stepped in.

"What Cagalli means is that the war isn't coming to Orb, okay? Don't worry about it."

"Y-Yeah, Tolle. Right," Miriallia said.

"So," I said, "Does Kato want me _now_ or can he afford for me to go to the dorm for a quick shower?"

"Uh, I think you have time for a shower if we drive you," Tolle said.

"Deal."

* * *

I felt refreshed as Tolle drove us through the Heliopolis suburbs. Ready to face the day, and Kato giving me extracurricular activities.

Though the music Tolle was playing was driving me insane.

"Do we _have_ to listen to this?"

"What?" Tolle asked. "Lacus Clyne is awesome!"

"Oh please. She's all 'Oh, look at me, I love peace and understanding and fluffy bunnies, pay no attention to my father's army nuking you all, ha-ha'!" And yes, I said this in a high-pitched voice mimicking Lacus, and the result was grating almost beyond belief. I have a husky voice for my age, so any attempt to raise my pitch gives the impression of metal being scraped across concrete.

Miriallia just laughed. "After your demonstration I think I'll take Lacus."

"Oh, _sure_," I said.

It was joking among friends, nothing more. Tolle and Miriallia were the first Natural friends I've ever had. They, without meaning to, taught me that Naturals were humans too, just as human as I was.

We parked Tolle's car, and Tolle stretched his arms. "Come on, Cagalli. get with it. At least Lacus throws strings behind her music instead of electronics."

"That's supposed to make me feel better? It gives the impression of an orchestra being wasted behind a toothless, milquetoast pseudo-singer."

I had a thing about Lacus Clyne, driven more by politics than by dislike for her music. Her father was the Chairman of the ZAFT Supreme Council, which was conducting the war, and authorized decisions like shooting Earth with a neutron jammer to disrupt long-range communications. Damage that will not go away for centuries was approved by this council.

Of course, the EA wasn't much better, but Lacus was a more visible target. Nobody in the EA top had children who wanted to be pop singers.

What can I say? I was cynical. Considering everyone seemed to love Lacus' lavish hope-tinged music except me, I was the anomaly. The crazy one.

Before our argument over the merits of Lacus Clyne could continue, we saw someone very familiar approach us.

"I told you, it's not like that!"

That was Flay Allster, a 'draft dodger' of sorts. Her father was a bigwig in the Earth Alliance, and when relations with the ZAFT deteriorated he sent her to Orb to keep the military from drafting her. Considering the high casualties the EA was taking, I don't really blame him.

She was beautiful in every sense of the word. Her red hair was tied back in an elegant ponytail. Her face was angular, with high cheekbones that emphasized a striking face. She also had certain other features, like filling out her clothing well, no matter what she was wearing. Here, she was wearing a pink two-piece dress, clearly tailored and carefully made.

She was desired by every boy. Even Tolle, despite being my boyfriend, still had some obvious, if brief, pangs for her.

One of her friends, a girl whose name I can't recall, ran up to us. "Guess what?"

"Oh no," Flay said, a mortified expression on her face.

"Sai Argyle just gave a love letter to Flay!" said blue-haired girl.

"From Sai?" Miriallia asked.

"That's right!"

Sai Argyle was kinda like a male Flay in how he was desired. And he was handsome, and had a wild but superb taste in fashion. He wore glasses, but he made them look impeccably cool.

Flay stepped in. "This doesn't have anything to do with them! Miriallia isn't involved in this and Cagalli's like from another planet! Stop talking to them!"

Her friend put on a pouty face. "Come on, Flay. Stop freaking out about it. He's not that bad."

"I said _enough_ already!"

I broke in. "Excuse me, but I have to go save my professor's ass, so . . ."

Flay glared at me. "I swear to God you're some kind of alien, Cagalli Yamato."

"She'd just be even more cool if she was an alien," Tolle said, chuckling.

Flay shook her head. "What do you see in her, Tolle? She's like a man!"

"A man, am I?" I put on a false smile, and got ready to show Flay that while I'm not a man, I hit like one. Thankfully, Miriallia got between us before I disturbed Flay's makeup, and nose, and lips, and teeth . . . you get the idea..

"Cagalli, come on," Miriallia said.

"Yeah," I said. "You're right."

The conversation broke off and we went walking our separate directions. Tolle sighed. "You know, Cagalli, for a language _and_ political-science major, you do way too much talking with your fists."

"It's Flay and nothing else. I just want to hit her," I replied, not being fully serious.

"That doesn't make it right," Miriallia said.

"You're right," I said, with total seriousness.

"Why does she drive you so crazy? It's worse than Lacus Clyne," Tolle asked.

"I don't know. I just don't like her. That's the truth. I see her and she automatically makes me want to hit her. She's just so . . . arrrgh."

"If you can't explain why you hate her so much then stop hating her," Miriallia said.

"Yeah, I'll try that." But thinking of Flay's image in my head just made me infuriated and I forced the thought of her out of my brain.

My dislike for Flay was totally irrational, just like with Lacus Clyne. She never deserved the abuse I wished upon her. She was just an ordinary girl in the end, with all of the flaws of a normal human being.

Thankfully, the thought of Flay vanished from my mind, as we approached the laboratory, where my appointment with Kato was waiting.

* * *

It turned out Kato had gone out to an early lunch, leaving me hanging around in his facility with his two student assistants, Kuzzey Buskirk and Sai Argyle, the ladykiller himself.

Kuzzey was just an unassuming young man with dark eyes and hair. Perfectly average, with nothing extraordinary about him. And he knew it, he seemed to have a bit of an inferiority complex about him.

Sai, unlike him, had a cool, confident exterior. He wasn't an intentional ladykiller, but his attitude and handsome looks, with a short yet stylish haircut and trendy clothing, made him the object of a lot of girls' desires.

Sai greeted us all with smiles. "Hey, you gave in to the prof again!"

"Kinda had to," I said.

"Uh, I thought it was just kinda supposed to be Cagalli," Kuzzey said.

"What's the matter, got a problem with us being here, Kuzzey?" Tolle asked.

"Uh, no," Kuzzey said, fidgeting with his hands as he spoke.

"What are you guys working on?" I asked as I approached their latest project.

"Virtual reality simulator thingamabob, and it's not ours," Sai said. "Morgenroete's thinking of branching into training simulators. It's got a ton of bugs. Some other prof asked us to store it for him until he can pick it up."

"Cool!" Tolle said, and he ran up to the simulator and sat down in the cockpit chair. "Le'ts try it!"

"I don't think this is a good idea," Kuzzey said, and I personally agreed with him.

"You know, this is military equipment," I said. "Last thing I need is my boyfriend in jail."

"What's one little trial? They wanna find bugs, I say we help the military guys find them," Tolle said. 'Now how do I turn this thingie on . . ."

He started pressing random buttons. Miriallia walked up to us with a bemused expression. "Tolle, seriously, I don't know about this."

"What's the harm in taking it for a spin? Sai, find the manual, won't ya? Lemme figure out how to turn this thing-"

The lights went out all of a sudden, and we were drowned in darkness.

Nobody spoke for a second. Then Miriallia finally said "Nice one, Tolle."

"It wasn't me!"

"Cagalli and I _told_ you not to touch it!"

"I'm telling you I didn't do anything!"

"Actually, it was unplugged," Sai said. "I just wanted to watch Tolle struggle with it for a while."

"Very funny, Sai. Now turn the lights back on," Tolle said.

"Uh, _that_ wasn't me."

"Not me either," I said.

A brief pause. Then everyone asked "Kuzzey?"

"Hey, hey, hey! Come on, guys! It wasn't-"

The emergency lights came into being then, shrouding the room with eerie, intermittent soft green light.

"Okay, emergency lights mean something really bad just happened," Sai said. "This isn't a joke."

"What, a joke means we stay in darkness forever?" Tolle asked.

Sai just gave him a look. Before anyone could say anything else, the room suddenly seemed to jump into the air. Loud crashing, exploding noises erupted, and caused all of the equipment to crash into the floor. Sai and Kuzzey fell to the ground, and I futilely tried to hold onto the laboratory sink before doing the same. Mirialli crashed into Tolle and they wound up a tangled mess.

"Okay, what the heck was that?" Kuzzey asked.

I got up to my feet, and I looked around the room. The emergency lights remained on, but it occurred to me we had no contact with the outside world. I walked up to the nearest wall, by the emergency exit, and tried to listen. I could hear faint crowd chatter, and a couple of low rumbles.

Sai got up to his feet. "Was it some kinda accident?"

"No," I said.

Everyone looked at me.

"I think we're under attack."


	2. Blue Monday

Lipana: I apologize for Cagalli being a Natural, but the point of this story is Kira being a Natural and Cagalli being a Coordinator. I hope you enjoy the story anyway.

Jodeist: You get a look at Athrun in this is not the focus though.

I decided to post this chapter much earlier than schedule so people can get a look at the different direction. This isn't going to follow the SEED plot ad nauseum, though things will be familiar until after Artemis.

* * *

**Chapter Two: Blue Monday**

"Under attack? You gotta be kidding me," Kuzzey said. "Probably some idiot decided to have some fun with power lines and it blew up in his face."

"I don't think so," Sai said. "Putting this building under emergency lights would take serious firepower. I think Cagalli is right on this one."

I felt a brief flash of vindication before I realized how wrong that emotion was. There was nothing to feel vindicated for. If I was right, that meant Heliopolis was in serious trouble. And so was everyone on here.

What should we do?" Tolle asked.

"Obviously take the emergency exit," I said. "It's the fastest way to get to the shelters, and the last thing we need is them all filling up before we're safe. Morgenroete and the industrial college are surrounded by people, and they're all gonna come flooding here."

"Then the answer's obvious, we go _now_," Miriallia said. She moved up beside me, right in front of the door. "Let's hope we're not gonna die."

She pushed the door open, and suddenly we were standing in a metallic hallway, with a pair of armed guards nervously directing people inside a nearby shelter.

Tolle scratched the back of his head. "Well, that was easy."

Suddenly an explosion happened from above, knocking everyone to the ground. The support beams hanging over the shelter entrance gave way and crashed down, crushing multiple people underneath, including the guards. Dust filled the room, making everyone cough and sneeze, including me.

Tolle sighed after he finished his coughing fit. "I gotta learn when to shut up."

I looked at Sai. "Is there another way out of here?"

"Uh, yeah. Down this way. It leads to a restricted area, though. Full of secret Morgenroete stuff," Sai said.

I could hear the room getting louder as people were beginning to panic. "Can you hack into there?"

"Uh, yeah, I think so," Sai said.

"Then that's what we're gonna do," I said. I immediately raised my voice. "Everyone, listen up!"

The furor seemed to merely get louder. I responded by shouting at the top of my lungs. "Everyone, shut up and listen to me!"

That got enough silence in the room to make me satisfied. "All right, listen. We're not dead yet. My friend here knows a way to get into a restricted area shelter. That's where we're going. Now, does anyone have a clue as to what's going on out there?"

I heard an all-too-familiar voice. "It was ZAFT!"

"ZAFT?" I repeated.

I saw Flay Allster emerge from the crowd. "Yes! There were ZAFT Mobile Suits outside!"

That got everybody panicking again, and I screamed again. "We're not gonna die, okay? Now everyone follow my friend and I, we'll get you out of here!"

At first, I thought I hadn't made headway, but a guy said "That boy's got the right idea. Let's follow him."

_They think I'm a boy?_ I was about to blow all of the goodwill I had won when Tolle placed a hand on my shoulder.

"It's all right, Cagalli. Look, you got everyone paying attention to you. To us. Let's get them out of here before they panick again."

I sighed. "Thanks, Tolle. I needed that."

"No problem," he said.

I raised my voice to command the ground. "Okay, follow me. And by the way, I'm a _girl_."

I followed Sai, who had taken the lead down the hall. "You know how to navigate this place?"

"Enough," Sai said. "I explore my work area wherever I can go. I think I can hack my way in, given a few minutes."

"If the ZAFT's attacking we may not have a few minutes," I said.

"I know. I'll do the best I can," Sai said.

"What was the grade Professor Busch gave you in International Relations?" Miriallia asked.

"An A. Why?"

"I am _so_ asking her to drop you a grade after this is over."

I remembered my prediction earlier that morning. "Oh, give me a break. Like anyone was expecting the ZAFT to go psycho."

"She's got a point, Miri," Tolle said.

Sai interjected. "All right, we're here. Give me a sec." He yanked out some kind of machine and began typing away on it the moment he hooked it up to the entry pad.

Flay fought her way through the crowd. "Where are you taking us, Cagalli Yamato?"

"A restricted area."

"Who says they're gonna let us in?"

"They'll have to. Military personnel are not allowed to turn away civilians unless the shelters are full," I said.

"What if they still say no? It's not like you're the princess of Orb or something."

"Maybe not, but I don't think they can turn away families and children," I said. "If it means anything-"

The door shafted open before I could finish. Sai grinned as he pocketed his hacking device. "Got it. Let's go."

"All right, everyone, follow us!" I ordered, and I followd Sai down the hall.

"This better work," Flay grumbled as she ran.

I was hoping the same thing, but I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of responding so I kept quiet as we ran down the hallway. Eventually a bright light appeared at the end of the hallway, and the emergency lights and cramped space gave way to some kind of balcony.

"What is this place?" I asked.

"Cell block D-13," Sai said. "It's usually restricted because we're no longer in the college. We're in Morgenroete proper now. And they like to keep stuff secret."

I walked out to the railing, and got the surprise of my life as I looked down. "Are those?"

"What?" Sai asked, and he looked down with me.

There was silence. "Mobile Suits," Sai finally said.

"You sure?" Tolle asked. "They don't look like any kind of Mobile Suits I've ever seen."

"You think they're ZAFT machines?" Miriallia asked.

"The ZAFT was attacking us," Flay said. "Why would we build stuff for somebody attacking us?"

"Maybe they belong to Orb," Sai said. "Maybe Orb's making their own Mobile Suits."

One of the people who came with us, a middle-aged man who was starting to bald, came forward. "Listen, I know you kids love your giant robots and all, but you led us here. Get us to the shelters."

"Right," I said, and I fought my way through the crowd, trying to find something that made it worth traveling through a restricted military block. I finally found a shelter door at the end, and I pointed towards it for the man, who had followed me. "That's where we're going. Come on, get everyone with us."

"You got it," the man said, and before long the entire crowd was right outside the shelter door.

The man guarding the shelter, was, judging by his tone of voice, and choice of words, less than thrilled. "What the hell are you civilians doing here? This is a restricted area!"

"Our shelter got blocked off!" I exclaimed.

""What shelter?"

"Uh . . . C-11," I said, taking a wild guess.

There was a pause on the other end, and the man finally sighed. "Fine. News is getting bad anyway, we're getting our asses kicked. I'll take until capacity."

The giant shelter door slid open, and quickly everyone pushed past me, filing their way inside.

Tolle smiled. "Good job, Cagalli."

"It's what I had to do." It suddenly occurred to me that I was hearing firecracker-esque noises in the background. I walked past the crowd as they charged into the shelter, and as I did so, Tori landed on my shoulder. Tori had a tendency to do that, to fly around almost out of sight but then land on me when it felt it was needed.

In the distance, I saw Morgenroete personnel trading fire with some kind of attacking force. I couldn't tell who the side was, but the uniforms didn't look EA-esque. They were most likely ZAFT, just like flay said.

I heard Miriallia behind me. "Cagalli, Tolle, come on! The shelter's almost full already! Hurry up!"

Tolle grabbed my shoulder. "Come on, before we lose our spots."

I nodded. "You're right."

But as we charged towards the door, the invisible voice stopped us. "Wait. We can only take one more person."

"You're kidding," Tolle said. "One more person?"

Miriallia stared. "Does that include me?"

"No. You're technically inside the shelter. Besides you, girl, we can only take one more person. So one of the lovebirds will have to stay."

Miriallia frowned. "Then I'll-"

I almost didn't interrupt then. I wanted to be safe. I wanted no part of the war. And I didn't want to go rush out into imminent death.

But I could not let Miriallia face that. As tiny as my chances were, Miriallia's, Tolle's, and everyone else's were minute. I was the only one out of all of us with any ability to survive a war situation, and that was merely because of my genetics, and nothing more.

So I knew what I had to do. "Miriallia, no. I'm not letting you sacrifice yourself."

Tolle stared at me. "Cagalli, I'm not going to-"

I kissed him on the mouth, and then made him freeze. While he was still trying to process the kiss, I shoved him into the shelter and handed him Tori. "Take care of Tori until we meet up, okay? I'll find another shelter."

The first door slid shut, the holes giving me a brief glimpse of both Miriallia and Tolle as they stared at me. Tori chirped in confusion and surprise.

We knew that, most likely, we would never see each other again, because I was going to be running into a war zone. But I had to put a brave face on. "I'll be okay. You guys stay together, got it? Stay together."

The second, inner door slammed, leaving solid steel between us, cutting off any reply from Miriallia and Tolle. I sighed, and turned back towards the war zone.

_This is the worst Monday of my life. And my stupidest. I turned down safety and I'm walking into a battlefield. This is what I get for being altruistic._

I walked down the balcony, hoping no sniper would notice me. I was unarmed, and clearly wearing street clothes, so I was hoping that I would escape notice as I tried to make it to another shelter.

However, within ten steps I was already being shot at and I dove and hit the deck.

It didn't matter whether I was a civilian or not. I was a target.

I heard a young, nasal voice from below me. "What are you doing up there?"

I crawled over to the edge and I saw a young man, with brown hair, violet eyes, and a boyish face. He had hidden himself behind a bunch of military trucks. He was wearing the standard orange-and-white Morgenroete uniform, but was missing a weapon. I was thinking he had to be some kind of rookie who had been unable to get his weapon. But he looked familiar at the same time, like I should know him, but didn't. It was like I had seen him in one of my classes, not as a fellow student, but as the subject of a lecture.

I shook the thought out of my head. "I'm trying to get to a shelter," I replied.

"All the shelters that way got bombed," the young man said. "You're pretty much stuck."

I sighed. "So I have no choice but to come down."

"I think there's a way we can sneak past the ZAFT attackers if we move," the young man said. "There's a stairwell on the other end of the hallway. Think you can make it?"

"I won't have to," I said, and I stood up, got on the railing, and jumped on top of the military truck, and I jumped down from there again, right next to him.

He gaped. "How'd you do that? Are you a Coordinator?"

"Yeah," I said. "But I'm not with the ZAFT."

He nodded. "Well, I believe you. You led those civilians out of harm's way, I don't think a ZAFT person would've done that."

"I guess." I leaned out from the front end of the truck, and tried to take a peek. It looked like the Morgenroete security guards were making their last stand. A woman with long brown hair was giving commands, but the ZAFT commandos were frankly doing too much damage. The last machine-gun nest held by the Morgenroete was hit by a grenade, leaving the woman and a couple of remaining guards against the ZAFT.

"Actually," I said, "The battle's almost over. Maybe we should wait until they kill each other."

"You serious? Wait until the ZAFT take it over?" the young man asked.

"They don't have a lot of soldiers left either, I think there was only three or four."

"They only _need_ three or four," the young man said. "They're after the Mobile Suits. I heard right before this position came under attack that they got three of the five already."

"Mobile Suits?" I asked.

"Yeah. They've got some kind of new designation, don't remember what it is exactly," the young man replied.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a ZAFT soldier running up the stairwell. Clearly checking up on me.

The brown-haired woman had backed up significantly, she was right next to us, though she hadn't noticed that yet. In frustration, she threw down her machine-gun when it ran out of ammunition and drew her sidearm, still shooting at the unseen ZAFT soldiers.

"Lady, turn around!" I shouted.

The woman stared at me, and then turned around, right as the ZAFT soldier was about to take aim. She fired six or seven shots rapid-fire and one of them struck the ZAFT soldier in the head. He slumped over the railing and plummeted to the ground below. Unlike me, there was no truck to break his fall. The sickening cracking noises of bones breaking were audible even with the gunfire everywhere.

"Thanks," she said, and then her eyes widened as she looked past me. "You didn't get out of here?" she asked.

"Uh, no," the young man said.

The woman did a facepalm and ran over to us. "Why the hell not? Seriously, your father's gonna kill you for this!"

"Uh, what's going on?" I asked.

Both the young man and the woman looked at me, as if I had suddenly come into existence. Finally, the woman said "This is Prince Kira Yeley Athha of Orb. I am Lieutenant Murrue Ramius of the Earth Alliance. And who are you, boy?"

"I am not a boy!" I snarled. "Does this look like a masculine haircut to you guys? Do I have any facial hair?"

"Wait, you're a girl?" Kira asked.

"What did you think I was?"

Murrue facepalmed again. "Sorry. Now, what's your name?"

"Cagalli Yamato. I'm a student at the college," I replied.

Murrue nodded. "Thank you, Cagalli."

"Who's bright idea was it to bring the prince here?" I asked.

"The prince politely asked for a tour of the facility and his request was granted. He is the son of the Lion of Orb, no one wanted to turn him away," Murrue replied.

A sheepish grin crossed Kira's face. "Didn't exactly expect war to happen today."

I scoffed and stomped back both of them to look behind the truck again. "How're we gonna get out of here?"

"See that Mobile Suit in front of us?" Murrue asked.

Instead of peeking around to watch the firefight, I looked straight from my position. I realized it was one of the Mobile Suits I had seen from the balcony just moments before.

"We're gonna fly that thing?" I asked.

"Hopefully. I'm not a trained pilot," Murrue said, "But I think I can at least get that thing to walk. Foot soldiers can't do much against a Mobile Suit, not unless they thought to bring rocket launchers."

She came up beside me, and took a deep breath. "Come on, both of you. While we still have covering fire. The cockpit will have trouble holding three of us but we'll have to manage."

I saw the lieutenant's needs brace to run, and I quickly did the same. Kira, for his part, looked somewhat confused. "Wait, we're seriously gonna-"

"_Go_!" Murrue barked, and I quickly grabbed Kira by the hand and dragged him after us.

He screamed the whole way in terror until we reached the machine.

I saw one of the two remaining security guards get shot in the head, leaving just one left. He wasn't going to last much longer

Kira's face was filled with disgust and terror. "I didn't imagine war to be like this."

Murrue sighed. "I'm sorry, Prince Kira. I'll try to get you out of here. I'm not from your nation but I think I can at least give your father his only son back."

"What's an EA person doing here?" I asked.

Kira's face fell. "Well-"

Suddenly, a ZAFT soldier in a red uniform appeared above us. Murrue immediately blasted him and he fell off the Mobile Suit, hitting multiple obstacles before he laid to rest to the left of the Mobile Suit.

I immediately heard a masculine scream of grief and anger, and I saw another red ZAFT soldier make a charge up the Mobile Suit. He blasted the last security guard with a bullet burst, and came right at us. Murrue fired, but she was out of ammunition, leaving her helpless as she was shot in the arm.

Murrue fell down in front of us, grabbing her arm, and we were in the ZAFT soldier's mercy.

Then the ZAFT soldier hesitated, and his arms began to shake. Finally, I heard him whisper "Cagalli?"

The voice was older, teenaged, broken, but I recognized it. It had just enough similarity to my best friend's voice that I knew so well that I recognized the voice in an instant.

"Athrun? Is that you?"

Finally, I got a good look at his face. It was unmistakably Athrun's. I could even see the hints of his blue hair, soaked in sweat.

His eyes were filled with surprise and horror. "I . . ."

He lowered his rifle. "I'm sorry."

And then he activated his rocket pack and shot away from us. Murrue had managed to reload her pistol in the meantime, and took a few futile shots at him before throwing her pistol down in anger.

"Damn it . . . come on. Both of you, get in," she said.

She got down on her hands and knees and entered something into a keypad, and the chest cockpit opened up.

Both Kira and I had hesitated, and Murrue growled as she walked over to us. "Let's go!"

She pushed both of us into the cockpit and jumped in after us, shutting the cockpit behind her. "Both of you, get behind my seat! Don't touch anything! I should get this thing moving at least!"

She switched it on, and I saw lights flashing all over the console as the Mobile Suit came to life. On the display screen, I saw an acronym appear. "General Unilateral Neuro-Link Dispersive Autonomic Maneuver". GUNDAM.

_I see the Earth Alliance is taking lessons from the ZAFT in nonsensical designations,_ I thought.

The Mobile Suit shook violently as it first sat up, and then clumsily rose to his feet, as the Morgenroete factory behind us exploded into flames. The shockwave was so much that Murrue could barely keep the GUNDAM from falling on its face, which surely would have killed both Kira and I.

In front of us, I saw another GUNDAM rise. It looked different, bulkier, than the model I was stuck in.

I quickly realized that Athrun had to be the pilot of that one.

"They took the Aegis," Murrue said, her words sissing a bit as she was working through her pain.

"The Aegis? What's the one we have?" I asked.

"The Strike," Murrue replied.

The Aegis rose to its feet, and seemed to stare at us in the eye.

"Oh man," Kira said. "Lieutenant Ramius, ma'am, please tell me you know what you're doing."

"I hope I do," Murrue said, as she made the GUNDAM take an awkward step towards the aegis.

The shaking in the cockpit told me she didn't have a clue how to operate this thing.

"Are we going to fight it?" Kira asked.

"If we have to," Murrue said, as she struggled to make the GUNDAM take another step.

The Aegis just stayed in place, as if patiently waiting for us to move.

_Athrun_ was waiting for us.

I braced myself for Athrun's inevitable attack. He probably had a better idea of how to operate a GUNDAM than the three of us did. He could, no, he _would_ kill all three of us at any time if he chose to attack.

We were at my best friend's mercy.


	3. Eruption

Thank you all for reading. :) Here's Chapter Three. And I will fix the "the ZAFT" issue in the future, when I have time to go back and edit. It's a common mistake I make when writing GS fanfiction.

And no, some things never change no matter what the universe. XD But some things do. Here, though . . . nothing much changes. Chapters 4 and 5 you will get to see some alternate events, though.

* * *

**Chapter Three: Eruption**

The Aegis still didn't move. I realized Athrun had to be in shock to see me, like I was stunned to see him. And he couldn't quite bring himself to attack us, knowing I could be inside.

No, he _knew_ I was inside. I knew Athrun from prep school. He would never attack a friend, even if he didn't know for sure that his friend would be endangered. He erred on the side of caution.

But moreover, he knew _me_. He knew I would be foolhardy enough to climb in here.

But before any words could be said, another Mobile Suit landed near Athrun. A GINN.

"Can you listen in?" Kira asked.

"They're not talking on a public channel," Murrue said, fighting with buttons. The O.S. even to my eyes, looked particularly clumsy. I was no ace with mechanics and computers but even I knew enough to see that the O.S. was cumbersome and slow.

"You got any weapons?" Kira asked.

"I have Igelstellung machine-guns. They can do some damage," Murrue said.

"That's it?" Kira asked in disbelief.

"We're weren't expecting this machine to go into battle, Prince Kira!"

Suddenly, the Aegis blasted off. And with Athrun went every hope I had of coming out of this alive. The GINN pilot had probably ordered Athrun away, and Athrun had to obey orders, he was a soldier.

The GINN faced us, and drew its melee weapon, a heavy sword.

"Lieutenant, he's gonna skewer us," Kira said, his voice becoming higher-pitched and squeakier with each word.

"You don't say!" Murrue snapped. She immediately fired the machine-guns, but the GINN easily dodged her volley and rocketed right at us.

Murrue gave up shooting at the last second and instead hit a button on the console. A brief flashing light appeared around the Strike, and the sword failed to penetrate the Strike's armor. It was like it had magically transformed into a blunt instrument, a club. The blow knocked all three of us around, and Kira hit his head, but other than that, it didn't do a lot of damage.

"What did you do?" I asked.

"I activated the Phase Shift Armor," Murrue said. "It'll offer us some protection, but its lifespan is limited."

The GINN backed up a few steps, as if sizing us up. Clearly, it hadn't expected Murrue's trick, and was now wondering what to do.

Kira moaned "You're not gonna win with that kind of O.S."

"What do you suggest, then?" Murrue asked.

"Cagalli, do you have any experience in this?" Kira asked as he rubbed the left side of his head.

"Some. I got Bs in my electronic science classes and a C in code."

"Good enough. Take the keyboard out," Kira said.

I did. Murrue looked at both of us with puzzlement. "What the hell are you kids doing?"

"Saving our lives," Kira said.

I took the keyboard out. "Okay, what do I do?"

"Now listen, Cagalli. First, calibrate the zero moment point. Then reconfigure the CPG. Link the control module to the artificial cortex molecular ion pump. Finally, reformat the neural image network."

Judging by the look on Murrue's face, she was baffled. And if I wasn't a Coordinator, I wouldn't have kept up with Kira's instructions. I wasn't the greatest with interface systems and electronics, but I knew what Kira was asking for. And I typed as fast as I could. The GINN seemed to be preparing itself for another charge.

It occurred to me that the pilot wasn't trying to destroy the Mobile Suit. The pilot was trying to take the Mobile Suit intact. He was intending on stealing it away from us. So he wasn't going to pull out a gun and blow the Strike to smithereens. He wanted to fly this thing back to the ZAFT, he wanted this to be their shiny new trophy.

"All right," Kira said. "The O.S. should be more efficient, but you're not gonna be able to fly it, Lieutenant."

"Why not?" Murrue asked.

"It's configured for a Coordinator now," Kira said. He grinned at me, I could see signs of a shiner already appearing around his left eye. "And we got a Coordinator onboard."

Murrue stared at me. "You . . . You are a . . ."

"Yes," I said.

I stared at the controls. "You sure this is a good idea?"

"You're the only one who can fly it now. I've studied ZAFT interfaces. This is a pretty good facsimile of one," Kira replied. "Now hurry, before he charges us again."

Murrue and I looked at each other. She sighed and threw up her hands. "We're dead if I keep trying to move this thing. Go ahead."

_Thanks for the responsibility._ Murrue and I swapped seats just in time to see the GINN charge right at us.

"What do I do?" I shrieked.

"Dodge it!" Kira yelled, but it was too late. The GINN led with its unarmed left shoulder, and slammed us into a nearby building, causing it to crumble behind us into thousands of pieces. I hoped no one was inside when that had happened.

"He's got us pinned!" Murrue shouted.

The Phase Shift Armor was starting to crack as the sword attempted to slice through the Strike's left arm. It was like a knife slowly slicing through butter.

"Punch him!" Kira shouted.

"How?" I asked.

"Just do something!"

I took a wild guess as to how the controls worked and moved a lever forward. Somehow, I had guessed right, and the Strike raised its right fist and punched the GINN in the gut. The GINN backed up again, and a sizable dent could be seen in the Mobile Suit's torso.

"Good guess," Kira said, sighing with relief.

"Does this thing have any more weapons?" I asked.

"There's a pair of Armor Schneider knives. That's it," Murrue said.

"Come on!" I growled.

"I told you, we weren't expecting the Strike to actually fight yet!"

I fumbled with my system until I figured out how to draw the knives, and put them in a defensive position. The GINN continued to sit and wait, like it was studying us.

But then Murrue said "He's waiting for the Phase Shift to run out of energy. Cagalli, you're going to have to rush him."

"Are you serious?" I asked.

"Dead serious. We're finished the moment our Phase Shift Armor is down," Murrue said. "Rush him. We have to take him down before we run out of time."

I sighed, and quickly accelerated the Strike. It seemed easier with the new interface and controls that Kira had suggested, but it still didn't feel quite natural. I was going to have to do a lot of fixing with Kira later to make the machine more to my liking.

The GINN barely reacted in time to block us, and I kept going on the offensive, slashing away with the knives, but I couldn't get a death blow. We knocked over another office building as we battled, and destroyed an elevated expressway in the process too.

Finally, the GINN backed off, and then rocketed right at me. It was trying to retake the initiative, to catch me off balance.

I had no intention of letting that happen.

I let the moment get the better of me, and I yelled something unintelligible as I got my knives in the right position to stab the ZAFT machine in the torso, causing sparks to erupt. Immediately, the ZAFT pilot ejected, I saw his seat rocket into the air and blast out of sight.

Suddenly, Murrue shouted "Get away from the GINN! It's gonna blow!"

"It's going to _what_?"

Then the GINN exploded.

The Phase Shift Armor saved us, but it knocked us incredibly off balance and sent the Strike staggering backwards multiple steps before I got control of it. Immediately, the Phase Shift armor died, and I suddenly felt a lot more vulnerable than I had.

"It ran out of energy," Kira said.

"Like I said . . ." Murrue trailed off.

I finished for her. "Let me guess. You weren't planning on sending this into combat yet."

"Yeah," Murrue said. "There's a park nearby. Walk us over there. I need to patch up my wound, and we need to wait for some kind of help. There isn't any choice."

I saw what Murrue was talking about, and steadily guided the Mobile Suit over there. It had seemed so sleek with the Phase Shift armor, but now it was just a lumbering beast, and difficult to keep control of.

I could not wait until I was out of the cockpit.

* * *

After we set down, Kira and I bandaged Murrue's shoulder injury. She sighed wistfully. "Cagalli, I assume you know that since you've witnessed a military secret, you're stuck with us until further notice."

I had figured as much. "Yeah."

Kira's eyes widened. "You're not even going to argue it?"

"_You_ can argue it. You're the prince," I said.

"Oh." Kira's eyes widened in realization. "Oh yeah. Lieutenant Ramius, as prince of my nation, I demand you release this citizen immediately!"

He looked at me with a sheepish look. "Like that?"

"Good enough," I said with a sigh.

Murrue just gave Kira a look. "Prince Kira, while you theoretically could do that, there is a strong possibility the ZAFT could destroy Heliopolis at any moment. Do you want to risk Cagalli's life as well as your own?"

"Uh . . ."

"If we have to, we can shelter inside the Strike's cockpit, though the air won't last for long."

"Um . . ."

"Also, all of the shelters in the immediate vicinity are either full or destroyed. You and Cagalli would need a vehicle in order to reach a shelter with openings in a half-hour. You really think the colony has that long to live?"

Kira scratched the back of his head, and I sighed in dismay. An ordinary lieutenant had just outsmarted the prince of my nation, and I was not pleased by that.

_Some son of the Lion of Orb. He would be lucky to be compared to a house cat,_ I thought.

"Okay, you win," Kira said.

"Good," Murrue said. She sighed and then looked at me. "Cagalli Yamato, what is a Coordinator like you doing here? Nearly all of the Coordinators who lived in the EA and neutral nations emigrated to the ZAFT in the wake of the Bloody Valentine to show solidarity. But you didn't. Why?"

I tried to crack a joke. "Would you believe I'm a pacifist?"

Murrue's eyes narrowed. She was not in a joking mood.

The Bloody Valentine was just over eleven months ago. A PLANT called Junius Seven had been nuked without warning by Earth Alliance ships. Over a million Coordinators perished, and it automatically ignited the current war.

It was debatable whether it was a sanctioned EA operation, a rogue element, or simply terrorists. Whatever the case, the EA was blamed, despite denials from the Eurasian Federation and the North American Federation. The Republic of East Asia remained curiously silent, offering no comment other than they were "investigating".

"I stayed for my parents," I finally answered. "And for my friends. My parents wanted me to get an education, not join a military. And I have some friends in Orb, and I didn't want to leave them behind. I've already left a set of friends behind in the ZAFT. I didn't want to leave my Orb friends behind too."

"So you _were_ part of the ZAFT," Murrue said.

"Until high school, yes." I could tell Murrue was suspicious of me, just judging by the look in her eyes. "What are you gonna do, shoot me for it?"

"No," Murrue said after a brief pause. "No, I'm not. In fact, I need you."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes. I think I, and any Earth Alliance personnel that's left, are going to need you if we want to live," Murrue said.

Suddenly, a distant explosion erupted in the distance, and I saw a ZAFT Mobile Suit emerge from it, closely followed by some kind of Mobile Armor.

"It's not over yet?" Kira cried.

"No," Murrue said. "I guess not."

The Mobile Armor and the ZAFT machine continued to battle each other, until the ZAFT machine, which was a CGUE by the looks of it, suddenly got behind the Mobile Armor by coming to a complete halt. The Mobile Armor was left exposed and was shot multiple times in the rear, and went spiraling away, smoking.

"That's not good," Murrue said.

The CGUE immediately flew right towards us. Kira's eyes widened and he tried to back away. "Oh crap! What do we do?"

"Prince Kira, we'll hide. Cagalli, try to do what you can," Murrue said.

"_What_?" I asked.

"It's our only chance-"

Suddenly, a massive cannon burst came out of nowhere. The CGUE pilot barely saw the beam coming in time and swerved to avoid it, but one of its arms was vaporized. The giant blue beam of light flashed onward, out of sight, and only a distant rumble hinted it had finally impacted a target big enough to stop it.

"What was that?" Kira asked.

"The _Archangel_," Murrue yelled, a wide grin appearing across her face. "It survived!"

"The _Archangel_?" I asked.

"It's a brand-new ship, it practically finished construction yesterday," Murrue said. "I had lost contact with it right before Morgenroete came under attack. I was wondering if it had been destroyed."

"Clearly not," Kira said.

Suddenly, Murrue slapped herself on the head. "Oh God, I'm a moron."

She ran into the Strike's cockpit and turned something on. "_Archangel_? _Archangel_, do you read me?"

Somebody answered. "_This is Petty Officier Pal onboard the _Archangel_. Who is this?_"

"This is Lieutenant Murrue Ramius. I have the Prince of Orb and the Strike GUNDAM. I request immediate extraction."

Pal answered instantly. "_You got it, ma''re on our way, we found a landing spot right next to your position._"

Murrue sighed with relief. "Thank you, Petty Officer. Over and out."

She leaned against the cockpit seat. "What a day. What a day."

The _Archangel's_ engines roared louder as it approached us, but it was surprisingly quiet for such a big ship. It seemed to have legs outstretched in front of it, giving it a unique, odd appearance. Very difficult to describe in words.

Murrue's smile changed from joy to something more relaxed, relieved. "We're safe. That's what matters. We're safe."

I personally doubted it.

* * *

When the _Archangel_ landed, immediately personnel ran out to loud the Strike into the hangar bay at the rear of the ship. It was while we were at the rear when an officer, followed by group of noncommissioned officers, ran towards us. I heard the officer yell "Lieutenant Ramius! You're all right!"

"Ensign Badgiruel," Murrue said.

Ensign Badgiruel was a woman who seemed to be around Murrue's age, but she had a more severe appearance, and her raven-colored hair was cropped much shorter than Murrue's.

She stopped in front of us. "I recognize the prince, but I don't recognize the civilian girl. Who's she?" Badgiruel asked.

"Oh," Murrue said. "She is Cagalli Yamato. She took control of the Strike and defeated an enemy GINN opposing us."

"That's impossible! No ordinary civilian could do that!" Badgiruel exclaimed.

"You're wrong," said a male voice to our left. "_Nothing_ is impossible."

Out from the hangar bay appeared a man who seemed slightly older than a woman, with blonde hair parted in a professional manner. I could already tell he fashioned himself as a confident, swaggering ladies' man.

"Oh! Lieutenant Ramius . . ." Badgiruel paused.

The man chuckled. "It's all right, I can introduce myself. I am Lieutenant Mu La Flaga of the Earth Forces 7th Orbital Fleet. At your service."

"I am Lieutenant Murrue Ramius of the 5th Special Division," Murrue said.

"And for the convenience of the prince and the civilian, I am Ensign Natarle Badgiruel, also of the 5th Special Division." Poof, there went 'Badgiruel', now I had a first name to remember her by.

The man stood in front of me and seemed to study me for a second. "What?" I finally asked.

Mu sighed. "There is a reason why the civilian accomplished such a feat, beating a GINN while piloting a new Mobile Suit she has never seen before. Not to mention said Mobile Suit is underpowered because it wasn't combat ready, and the controls are cumbersome due to a flawed O.S. When I saw the test pilots move them into the Morgenroete factory, just getting them to walk was no easy feat."

"What are you saying?" Natarle asked.

I saw the crewmen starting to stare at me, and I realized what Mu La Flaga was leading up towards.

Murrue tried to step in. "Lieutenant La Flaga, this isn't the right time for an interrogation. Please, wait."

Mu looked at her. "I am not interrogating her, but I think this is for the relief of everyone on board."

He looked back at me.

"You are a Coordinator, aren't you?"

There was the magic word. _Coordinator_. Just by the look on everyone's faces, it was like the word would open up a rift into hell and send demons scurrying everywhere around them.

The accusation meant there was no point in lying or bluffing my way out of this.

I took a deep breath, and exhaled. "Yes."

I closed my eyes, and waited for all hell to break loose.


	4. Points of Authority

Merry Christmas, everybody. Here's your prize. :)

Thank you for all of the comments so far. You guys have been inspiring. :)

**

* * *

Chapter Four: Points of Authority**

When I didn't hear an impromptu firing squad shoot me, I dared to re-open my eyes, and I saw, indeed, a squad of troopers appear among the crewmen. They were all talking to themselves.

"She's with ZAFT."

"A Coordinator? Here?"

"Damn it, she's gonna lead the ZAFT right to us."

The whispering finally got on my nerves so much, and their faces, so stoic and serious and afraid, that finally I snapped somewhere inside. I wanted to show them that I was a human, not some genetic freak they had to terminate like in a movie.

"Boo," I said, and made a face at them.

That got all of the troopers pointing their guns at me. Not exactly the reaction I had been hoping for.

Kira stepped in front of me. "I am the Prince of Orb, and she is one of my citizens! Lower your weapons."

"We are not Orb soldiers," said one of the troopers. "We don't gotta follow your orders."

"But you have to follow mine," Murrue said. She stepped forward in front of Kira. "Lower the guns. That's a direct order from your superior officer."

The troopers stared, and, one by one, they reluctantly lowered their weapons.

"Now," Murrue said, "Do something more beneficial with your time. Like making sure no one sabotages the Strike."

"Uh, yes ma'am." The armed troopers immediately ran off, leaving me surrounded by nervous noncoms and the three naval officers.

Lieutenant La Flaga clapped his hands. "There we go."

"What?" Murrue snapped.

"Testing you. I'm the superior officer onboard this ship unless I give up the responsibility. I had to make sure you were up to it, Lieutenant Ramius."

Murrue leered at him. "That was a dirty trick."

"If it means anything, I wouldn't have let anything happen to her," Mu said.

Kira's face turned pale. "God, I thought I was gonna die there."

"Why'd you do it, then?" I asked him.

He gave me a shaky smile. "I'm the son of the Lion of Orb. Gotta show a backbone somewhere."

Natarle sighed. "Who are you, girl? Why are you here, and not with the ZAFT? Are you a draft dodger or something?"

"No," I said. "I stayed in the Orb at the request of my parents, and I didn't want to leave my Orb friends behind. I had already left one set of friends behind at the ZAFT to move to Orb. I didn't want to do that again."

"So you've lived in Orb for a few years," Natarle said.

"Yes. In fact, I am an Orb citizen. I was adopted by my parents as a baby. I am a first-generation Coordinator."

Natarle's face fell. "Oh."

I immediately knew what they were thinking. _Natural parents wanted a Coordinator child but freaked out upon having one and abandoned her._ It was not uncommon for Natural parents to change their minds, much too late, about having a Coordinator child. Thus, a common decision was putting them up for adoption. There were a lot of first-generation Coordinators living in foster care or in orphanages, I was one of the lucky ones to get a family, permanently.

Murrue said "We shouldn't discuss this outside. We need to come up with a plan, especially as we're sitting ducks."

'Yes," Natarle said, her face returning to her normal stoic, severe expression. "The self-perpetuating spin is is slowing down on Heliopolis and there are multiple air leaks. This colony is on its last legs, ma'am, and there's no guarantee that there'll be any type of gravity for much longer."

"Can I attend the meeting?" Kira asked.

Murrue smiled at him. "I see no reason to refuse the prince of Orb."

"Can Cagalli attend as well?" Kira asked, which stunned me.

Murrue nodded. "Considering she saved our lives, I feel it is right. She's been exposed to too many military secrets anyway."

"Are you sure about this?" Natarle asked.

"Dead sure," Murrue said. "Come on, all of you. To the bridge."

* * *

An hour later, Mu La Flaga and Murrue Ramius were in their white Earth Alliance officer clothing.

They both looked a lot better and healthier cleaned-up and in new clothes, but both of their faces paled when Natarle opened the conversation with a bombshell.

"Lieutenant Ramius, you do know why Lieutenant La Flaga had to cede authority to you," Natarle said.

Murrue looked like she was going to be sick. "Y-Yes . . ."

"All of the highest-ranking officers are dead. Until you and Lieutenant La Flaga arrived, I was the ranking officer on this ship. We have a skeleton crew as well. The majority of our personnel was caught in the port when it was attacked. Those who weren't killed immediately were sucked into space to a man."

Murrue's face got even paler. "O-Okay . . . so . . . so I'm really in command."

"Since I ceded authority, yes, you are," Mu replied. "I am a pilot anyway, I'm not cut out for commanding an entire ship. Problem is, my Moebius Zero got shot down."

"Was that you in the sky, right before the _Archangel_ appeared?" I asked.

Mu nodded, and smiled. "That's right. That was me. Not my greatest showing, but Rau Le Creuset is _the_ toughest opponent I've ever faced. I've never been able to get the best of him."

"Rau Le Creuset?" I asked.

"He commands his own special-forces unit. I wouldn't be surprised if he masterminded this Heliopolis operation from the beginning," Mu replied. "And right now, they are outside, waiting for us. It may not look like it but we're under siege."

"It's be one thing if they were regular forces . . ." Natarle trailed off.

Mu said "My Zero is being repaired, it's out of commission."

"Then that means we have to use the Strike GUNDAM," Natarle replied.

Mu looked at me. "And that's why I'm grateful the prince decided to bring the civilian in here. I think I speak for everyone when I say I want _you_ to pilot the Strike, Cagalli Yamato."

My heart felt like it was going to explode inside me. One fight had been bad enough. But at the same time, there was an aura of inevitability about it. I knew that no matter what I said, at the end of the day I was going to wind up inside the Strike GUNDAM cockpit and fighting for my life.

Natarle exploded. "You're kidding! We can't let a civilian, much less a Coordinator _child_, behind the controls of the last GUNDAM we have!"

"I can't use it," Mu said. "I took a look at the O.S. No ordinary human can fly that thing!"

Murrue nodded. "She is the only one who can handle the Strike."

Kira spoke up. "I helped her reprogram it. I can help her switch it back so Mu can fly it."

Mu raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

Kira looked embarrassed. "I have a talent with code and computers. I helped design the GUNDAM O.S., actually, though I don't think it's my finest work. All I did was order Cagalli to change the settings to suit a Coordinator."

Mu looked tempted, but he finally shook his head. "Not happening."

"Why not?" Natarle asked.

"Like I said outside, the test pilots for the GUNDAMs had trouble just _moving_ them. I wouldn't do much better in the Strike than they did."

Murrue said "If the _Archangel_ and Strike are destroyed, there won't be anything left to protect. Like it or not, Natarle, but we're gonna have to put Cagalli in the Strike GUNDAM."

"Don't I have a say in this?" I grumbled.

Murrue turned to me. "Of course. You are a civilian, you're not obliged to follow our orders. But I also get the feeling that you're practical. You know you hold our survival in your hands."

"Gee, no pressure," I replied sarcastically.

I just shook my head. I knew what had to be done. I just had to hope that when the fighting did start, it would be over with really fast. I had relied a bit too much on luck and guesswork the previous time I had fought a GINN. And I had an advantage because it seemed the pilot was trying to take the Strike intact. I had doubts that was going to happen again.

"Fine," I said. "I'll do it. But I'm not a soldier, got it? The moment Prince Kira heads back to Orb, I'm going with him."

Murrue nodded. "That's fair." She stuck out her hand. "Handshake agreement."

"Yeah, sure." I gripped her hand for a few seconds and then let go.

Murrue smiled at me sympathetically. "I'll make sure everyone onboard this ship knows you can be trusted."

Kira looked at me. "You sure about this, Cagalli? You don't need to. I ordered you to make the O.S. that way. I'm sure I can change it back."

"No," I said. "I'm going to take responsibility. That Strike GUNDAM is something else, and the best pilot for it should fly it. I may not be trained, but if I'm the only one who can operate the O.S. . . ."

A thought occurred to me. "How can you design an O.S. you can't use?"

A sheepish grin crossed Kira's face. "The same way video game creators suck at their own creations. Also, the design isn't entirely my own, I had help from an engineer named Erica Simmons, and the O.S. is based off a ZAFT design. We're basically trying to dumb down a ZAFT O.S."

He paused, and looked at the other Naturals in the room. "Uh, no offense to everyone here, but . . . um, you know what I mean."

"None taken," Mu said, and that relaxed the room.

"Ah, whatever," I said.

Kira looked at me firmly. "Cagalli, we should get to the hangar as soon as possible. I'll help you streamline the O.S. to make it easier for you to use. If there's any weapons available, I'll launch compatibility checks and installations. I have a feeling that the Strike is going to need more than knives and machine-guns."

Natarle wore a small grin. "We have three different types of weapon packs on board. Try 'em all."

Kira looked uncomfortable looking at Natarle. I had a feeling Natarle freaked Kira out, big time. "Uh, okay, thanks."

That was when I had the uncomfortable realization that I was floating out of my seat.

Murrue noticed that immediately. "I guess we've made it into the center of the colony, gravity doesn't have much meaning anymore."

"No duh," I said, as I had the sickening feeling of my stomach rising up to my heart.

"Are you okay?" Mu asked. "You don't look so good."

"I . . . I get spacesick," I said, as my heart and stomach seemed to travel from my chest to my head, and my intestines were coiling around where my stomach should be.

"Wonderful," Natarle said. "Our last hope gets _spacesick._"

"I get over it in . . . in . . . in like an hour," I said. I didn't want to talk anymore as I wound up floating upside down, I could already feel vomit rising in the back of my throat.

Kira floated up to me. "I think Cagalli needs some personal space until she feels better. Do any of you know where a zero-g . . . you know . . ."

"I'll lead," Natarle said with a sigh. "Come on. The sooner you get over this, the better off we'll be."

As sick as I felt, I wondered if it would be better if I stayed sick forever.

After all, the moment I recovered, I would be sent out into war.

* * *

An hour later, I was well enough to make it into the Strike cockpit to help Kira. I still felt a little dizzy and felt like I had the remnants of stomach flu, but this discomfort was close to meaningless compared to how I had felt when I originally went weightless. I had also downed a few cups of water along with a couple of anti-spacesickness pills to try to get the recovery to work faster.

Kira smiled at me. "How're you feeling?"

"Better," I said.

"That's good. This will go a lot faster with your help." Kira sighed. "No one besides me knows how to reprogram this thing properly. But you type faster than anyone I've ever seen."

"Most Coordinators type really fast," I said. "One of the genetic improvements is improved dexterity."

"That makes sense," Kira said. "All right, sit down. I streamlined the O.S. for you, and I'm almost done installing the Sword Pack."

"Sword Pack?" I asked.

"I watched the way you fight. I think you'd work best with melee weapons. Basically, the Sword Pack gives the Strike a massive beam sword to fight with and places emphasis on quick, rapid bursts of speed to propel yourself at enemies."

"All I had were machine-guns and knives," I said. "That's not a good indicator."

Kira smiled. "It is. Once you took over, you never tried to fire the machine-guns. You just stayed with the knives."

I realized he was right. "Oh."

"Just follow my instructions. You're not as bad with tech as you think," Kira said.

"Okay."

It took about ten minutes for the Sword Pack to be installed. Suddenly, it was removed. "Why did you remove it?" I asked.

"As long as this Creuset Team is sitting on their hands, I'm going to give you as many options as possible," Kira replied. "We're going to install the Aile Pack. It's meant for medium-range combat, and emphasizes mobility over speed."

"What kind of name is 'Aile'?" I asked.

Kira shrugged. "I dunno the symbolism of it. Symbolism doesn't interest me. I've always been interested in tech, not names of the past."

"What made you so interested in technology?" I asked.

Kira's eyes shimmered for a second. He sighed finally. "I . . . I've always had a deep interest in technology. Operating systems, computers, machines, you name it. And I had a talent for it. I put a virus into the government computers at nine."

"What did your father do to you?" I asked.

"My father recognized my talent and made me tutor under Erica Simmons when I entered high school."

"That's a punishment?" I asked in disbelief.

"You've never met Erica. She puts on a kind face, but she's the toughest teacher I've ever had. She's the education equilvalent of a drill sergeant. But she made get better with tech . . . and also made me more responsible. I never tried to pull a prank like that virus again."

"There's that name again. Erica Simmons," I said.

Kira smiled. "I owe her a lot. She says she doesn't deserve as much credit as I give her, but whatever."

"What kinda prank did you pull?" I asked.

Kira's smile became a wide grin. "A cartoon lion with my voice saying something stupid and then doing a crappy imitation of a lion's roar, and it was put in an endless loop. It didn't infect the government that deeply, just the public portals."

I suddenly remembered what he was talking about. "That was _you_?"

"Yeah. God, I don't even know what I said anymore," Kira said. "That's something to ask my father. Now c'mon, before we run out of time."

Kira made me adjust a few more systems, and I tried my best to memorize how he did it. There would come a time when I wouldn't have him around to help me. He was the Prince of Orb. Eventually, he was going to be taken out of the battle zone. I had to know how to do this myself.

Finally, Kira asked "What do you do, Cagalli?"

"I, uh, am a double-major. Language and political science."

"How many languages?" Kira asked.

"Seven so far. English, Spanish, Russian, Japanese, Latin, Chinese, and Korean."

Kira's eyes widened. "Holy crap."

"I was learning Arabic this semester too," I said. "I was aiming to become a translator, and translators need a lot of versatility these days. I mean, you gotta know how to speak every significant language under the sun, _and_ provide a perfect analysis of the speaker's intentions, or they'll just use a robo-translator. You gotta make the extra expense of a live human worth it."

"That sounds like a lot of work," Kira said.

"I have a natural ability with language, it's not that hard for me," I said. "Though, the language we're using right now is the one I'm most comfortable with."

Kira laughed. "Why does that not surprise me? But that's why you're majoring in political science too, right? So you can offer versatility."

"You got it." I typed something in, and I sighed with relief. "All right, that's the Aile Pack down. What's left?"

"Uh, just the Launcher Pack. It's used for long-range artillery fire," Kira said. "I was saving that one for last because this isn't the proper time or place to use it. Any shot you take with the Launcher Pack will damage a colony wall, guaranteed."

"You wanna install it now?" I asked.

"Yeah," Kira said. "Might as well get it over with since we're on a roll. Now-"

Natarle's voice blared on the com. _"There has been a explosion in the Tannenbaum district! Mobile Suits approaching breach in wall! Kids, I don't care what you haven't finished! Cagalli has to get out there!"_

Kira looked at me. "Where's the Tannenbaum District?"

"The opposite end of the colony. But considering how fast Mobile Suits are . . ."

"Yeah," Kira said. "Not enough time to install the Launcher and then switch to something else. All right, you want the Sword or the Aile?"

I smiled at him. "The Sword."

Kira nodded knowingly. "Why am I not surprised? All right, you think you can handle this part or do you need my help?"

"Uh . . ." I tried to start the process myself, and much to my surprise it was easier than I expected. Kira's attempt to streamline the O.S. had succeeded, I felt like I could use it a lot more efficiently.

"I think I can do it," I said.

Kira gave me a thumbs up. "All right. Good luck out there."

"Just stay safe, Prince Kira," I said.

Kira's face flushed a bit. "Uh . . . at this point, I think you can just call me 'Kira'. Really," he said.

"Okay, Kira," I replied. "I'm going to head out there."

Kira nodded. "You be safe too. I'll see you later."

He left the cockpit, and suddenly, I wanted him to come back. I bit my lip though, and forced myself not to call out to him.

But I suddenly felt vulnerable. The first time I had fought, I had both Murrue and Kira in the cockpit with me. Even though I had been the one at the controls at the end, I felt safer with them there. Now, there was the realization I was going to go out and fight alone.

I installed the Sword Pack, and I heard a gruff voice on the com. I opened up the visual, and I saw a tall man in a mechanic's uniform, and he looked at like he had a three-day beard going. _"You got it okay?" _

"I'm fine," I said. "I'm going to load this onto the catapult now."

_"All right. Good luck. And just so you know, I respect your courage. I don't know what the other guys are saying, but you got a lot of guts to go out there and fight for us."_

"Thank you, uh . . .:"

_"Petty Officer Murdoch," he said. "Now kick some ass."_

"I will," I said, as I guided the Mobile Suit into the catapult.

I heard Petty Officer Pal's voice as the Strike GUNDAM fit snugly into the launcher. I took a deep breath. Any second now, I was going to be literally thrown out into the battle.

_I don't wanna die,_ I thought. I already felt ill, and it was not spacesickness this time. It's the time of ill that you get when you're about to do something incredibly dangerous. It fills you with adrenaline, but also raw terror. So I'm energetic and on the borderline of panic.

_Please don't let me die,_ I asked whatever deity existed in this world. _I don't want to blow up out there._

I heard Pal's voice. _"Starting launch sequence."_

I saw lights coming on inside the cockpit. _Damn it, I'm so gonna die._

The moment the final light lit, I braced myself, but nothing happened.

I heard Pal. _"You have to hit the Strike's engines! That'll trigger the launcher and send you out there!"_

"Uh, right. This is Cagalli Yamato. Launching Strike GUNDAM!"

I hit the acceleration, and suddenly I was driven back into my seat _hard_ by the G-Forces. The launcher worked faster than I had dreamed of, and suddenly I was hurled out of the _Archangel_, and heading straight for the ZAFT Mobile Suits.

I was about to start the first _real_ battle of my war.

My war for survival.


	5. Learn to Fly

Lipana: I am aware of that, but Cagalli, as she'll soon reveal, considers the PLANTs to be ruled by a military dictatorship in all but name, so she thinks of ZAFT and PLANT as one and the same. If any character seems to think the same way it's a mistake, I'm pushing Cagalli's POV on them which shouldn't be happening. I'll make sure that's not happening. ^^;

Peloponsee: Thank you for the corrections on Heliopolis. I don't have a sourcebook on me for quick consultation so mistakes like that happen. ^^; I'll try to implement them ASAP.

As for Kira being involved, one thing he kept is his ability with technology. Lord Uzumi noticed that. Kira is also far less rebellious than Cagalli is, so Kira would actually voice his concerns to Uzumi and ask for permission for investigating and stuff instead of going behind Uzumi's back like Cagalli did. I thought about how the trading places would affect Kira just as much as it would affect Cagalli.

littlemssstrawberry: I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far. I'll try to keep updating once a week. ^^

There won't be any "bonus" chapters from here on out (unless there's a reason). I'll try to update on Monday but due to personal circumstances a chapter may not show up until Tuesday or Wednesday.

I hope the story remains enjoyable.

* * *

**Chapter Five: Learn to Fly**

I activated the Phase Shift Armor, and hit the acceleration. This was going to be a really rough battle, as it was three on one. I had the GUNDAM, but they had the numbers. If I wasn't careful, I could be overwhelmed at a moment's notice.

Suddenly, my console beeped. One of the ZAFT Mobile Suits was hailing me.

_Do I dare bite?_

I decided I should, as much as I didn't want to see the face of a pilot I was going to have to kill. Maybe I could find some kind of weakness for the pilot and his group if I answered. Or maybe it was Athrun, even though he was likely still with the Aegis. Maybe he had come back, I couldn't give up hope.

I turned on the visual, and suddenly I saw a handsome ZAFT pilot. His eyes widened immediately. _"God damn it, I was beaten by a Natural _civilian_?"_

An evil smirk cut its way across my face, and the terror in me left a bit. I knew exactly how to play this.

"That's right. A Natural who's never flown a Mobile Suit before beat your ass. And here I thought Coordinators were supposed to be tough. What kinda screw-ups did they do on _your_ genetics, huh?"

_"Shut up!"_ Immediately, the Mobile Suit started shooting at me. Unfortunately for him, I was so far away I could easily dodge the shots.

"Maybe they forgot to modify your eyes. You couldn't hit a barn with that barrage."

_"Enough of your insolence, Natural! Face me!"_

"So you have so little confidence in yourself that you can't charge me, you need _me_ to charge _you_? Wow, just . . . wow."

_"Can you just shut up?"_ He fired several wild barrages as he began chasing me around the colony.

A new male voice entered the channel. _"Miguel, the pilot is clearly taunting you. Now fall back into formation, Matthew and I need your help in facing the legged ship."_

_Legged ship_? I quickly realized they meant the _Archangel_. The ship was their primary target, not me.

Miguel, for his part, said _"Let me kill the Natural, Olor. Then I'll assist." _

_"That's a direct order, Miguel_."

I knew the _Archangel_ would have an easier time which just two Mobile Suits instead of three. Plus, it would be easier on me too. I needed Miguel all by his lonesome, and then pick off Olor and Matthew.

So I taunted him again. "Aw, the whiddle Coordinator needs his big bwother to tell him what to do. How adorable!"

_"For God's sake, _enough_!"_

Miguel fired at me wildly again, and his shots were easy dodges. We flew in a general circle around the _Archangel_ with Miguel firing in my general direction but scoring no hits.

"Wow," I said. "Your parents must've paid the lowest bidder for your so-called enhancement."

_"Stop it!"_

"Seriously, what are you trying to do? Bite my kneecaps off?"

"_What the hell does that even mean?_"

"There's this concept called 'banter'. I'm joking with you. Did they forget to install your funny bone too?"

"_I . . .uh . . . arrrgh!_"

"Cool! I made a Coordinator devolve into a caveman!"

"_EEEEEEAAAAARRRRRAAAAAGGGGGGH HHHH!_"

Miguel discarded his rifle after one final spray of wild shots. He drew his heavy sword, and charged me, bellowing all kinds of unintelligible noises as he took futile swings at the Strike.

I heard Mu's voice then. "_Uh, princess, while that conversation was _mildly_ diverting, your opponent's wild firing has done damage to the support shaft._"

That was actually a bad thing. The support shaft was what held Heliopolis together. It could take some abuse, but if it crumbled, the whole colony would collapse on itself, if it weren't for an emergency disintegration feature. But who knew if the disintegration would work?

"Well, he's drawn his sword. That any better?" I asked, as I turned the Strike to the right to avoid another lunge.

_"We can't afford to have you waste your time with him all day. We could use some backup in front of the bridge, the other two GINNs are getting too close. Take care of your opponent and give us some help._"

"Give me a second. He's rushing me again," I said. I was filled with all kinds of confidence then, but the moment I actually attempted to block Miguel, I realized a big flaw in my plan.

Taunting him had made him lose his cool, which was what I wanted, but had worked him into a frenzy, which I hadn't. His movements were so fast they were almost a blur. I could barely block each blow he gave me, and out of the corner of my eye, I realized my energy level had already dipped to eighty percent.

Suddenly, much to my amazement, his sword arm sparked, and suddenly fell limp. He had pushed his GINN beyond the machine's limits, and some wire had snapped in the GINN's right arm. The GINN was practically helpless.

His face was still displayed on my screen, and he looked at me with a helpless glance.

I just smiled. "Looks like they just don't make Mobile Suits like they used to."

"_Do you ever shut up, boy?_" he asked me, completely exasperated.

The irrational anger re-emerged again. "Did you just call me a boy?"

Miguel just _stared_ at me. "_What, you'd prefer 'young man'?_"

"I'm a _girl_, dumbass!"

Miguel made a growling noise. "_Oh, I don't give a damn who or what you are! You're dead, kid!_"

And then with his GINN's sole working arm, he ripped the sword out of the dead hand and charged right at me.

Seeing a clear opening, I rushed him, easily dodging his swipe in the process.

I won't forget his scream as the sword cut the GINN, and likely the pilot himself, in half.

Even as I connected I was already regretting my decision to go for the kill. My irrational, immature rage had subsided enough for me to realize I was about to kill him. Which was something I didn't necessarily want to do. I had already beaten him, his machine was crippled. I could've easily let him fly away.

But it was too late. Much too late.

I'm not going to type out his scream. It's not really describable. It's this mixture of horror and pain and pleading and . . .

My actions have consequences. It was something not really driven home until I was in control of a sixty-something-ton behemoth that could level a building without any effort.

Go figure.

Up until that point, the anger I felt when someone called me a boy or a man had never done anything other than cause a few fights and, ironically, spread the tomboy reputation I had. No matter what I did, no matter what moisturizer I applied to my face, no matter how long I grew my hair, no matter what clothes I wore, I was always mistaken for a boy. And I never understood why, and still can't understand why.

Maybe I'll never understand. And maybe I'll never gain complete control over my immature anger.

But the consequences of such irrational anger were here. I killed a man over it. Disproportionate retribution at its finest.

The Mobile Suit exploded behind me, and Miguel's horrible scream did not stop until it was suddenly cut off. It replayed in my mind immediately for the next few seconds, over and over, echoing faster and slower all at once as it burned itself into my mind.

It took me a few seconds for me to realize what I had done. I wondered if it had been real. That I had really killed someone, especially as the reason why was because of a mistake many people made.

My adrenaline was so high, though, that the memory was hazy, faint. I kinda wish it would've stayed that way, lost in a murky fog like a lot of memories both bad and good.

I noticed the battle with the _Archangel_, and I saw that the _Archangel_ was severely undermanned in the anti-aircraft department. In any normal encounter, the ship could've fended off two GINNs fairly easily. But this was different. There just wasn't enough firepower. The GINNs could dodge the _Archangel_ the same way I had dodged Miguel.

"I need the Aile Pack," I said.

I heard Kira's voice, surprisingly. _"I'm sending it right now, Cagalli."_

"Kira? What are you doing?"

_"The battle will be more efficient if I took over Mobile Suit duties. Pal has his own job, he can't take care of you and his own duty,"_ Kira said. _"The Pack's on its way. I'll inform the crew to get the Sword recharged ASAP." _

"Thank you," I said, and I disengaged the Phase Shift armor to switch. The Aile Pack launched from the _Archangel_ and reached me in seconds, and I performed the switch. Kira's O.S. was really working nicely, I was able to get the Aile installed with ease.

I flew over towards the front of the ship, where these "Matthew" and "Olor" people were still engaged in battle. They didn't seem to notice me. Maybe they were so absorbed in their own battle they hadn't noticed that I had killed Miguel.

I took aim at one of the GINNs and fired.

I realized, much too late, that my aim had been off.

Instead of killing the GINN, I blew off both of its legs instead.

The GINN immediately turned around and took aim at me. Completely panicking, I fired a wild barrage at the GINN. Somehow, one of the shots hit it and the GINN exploded in midair.

Problem was, the other GINN knew I was there now.

He drew his sword and came after me the moment after I had shot down the second GINN. I immediately flew away and fired at it, but either I was a bad shot or my calibration was off because I wasn't scoring any hits.

Even though he couldn't hear me, I screamed "Stay away from me!"

My confidence I had gained from fighting Miguel had evaporated. Now I was scared. I could not score a hit on him and he rushed me at will. The more I missed, the more overwhelmed I felt. I had beaten Miguel through a combination of my mouth and his bad luck. The other guy I had killed through surprise. This fight, though, was fair.

He was not talking to me, he wasn't playing any games with me. He was just focused on his task, which was killing me. Like a true professional.

I heard Kira's voice. _"Cagalli, calm down! You've already wasted half of your energy pack! You lose your Phase Shift here, you're done for!"_

"What do I do then?" I wailed.

Murrue entered the conversation. _"I'm getting all of the gunners to aim at the Mobile Suit. Just concentrate on evasion. We have your back, Cagalli."_

"A demonstration would be nice!" I shouted.

The GINN came right at me again and I barely got the Strike out of the way in time. The GINN wound up slicing the support shaft, and did some heavy damage to it. However, the GINN had also rammed the support shaft to an extent, and it had been knocked off balance. I realized it was momentarily vulnerable.

"Damn it, die!"

That's what I think I said. There's varying accounts of that. Kira and Mu said I just screamed. Murrue told me I said something much saltier. Natarle, when I asked, just smiled coyly and said she wasn't listening to me "bellow like a dinosaur", in her words.

I yelled _something_, in any case, and let loose another barrage right at the Mobile Suit as it tried to turn around to face me. At this close range, there was no time to evade.

I hit the Mobile Suit multiple times and it exploded . . . right next to the damaged support shaft.

Immediately, the support shaft began to buckle, and explosions continued down the shaft as it started to fall apart.

I heard Natarle's voice. _"The GUNDAM Aegis is approaching our sector! Watch out!"_

"What?" I raised my rifle. My energy was down to thirty-eight percent. I could not hold it off for long.

Murrue interjected._ "Why are they sending the Aegis out already? They've barely had it for a few hours!" _

_"It doesn't matter,"_ Mu said. _"Cagalli, get your weapon ready. I'll try to see if the Zero is repaired enough for me to give you backup." _

The Aegis, however, flew right in front of me. "Too late," I said.

The Aegis froze, however, and did not shoot.

Explosions were continuing all along the shaft. I heard Murrue's voice. _"Cagalli, get back here! Heliopolis is at alert level ten! That means they're starting the disintegration procedure! This whole area is going to become a debris field!" _

Before I could answer, the Aegis hailed me. I knew full well who was trying to speak to me, and I didn't want to answer.

"Just a minute, Lieutenant," I said, and finally, I activated the public channel.

The visual came up, and there was Athrun, suited up just the way he had been down on the ground.

Athrun's eyes widened as he saw me. "I didn't want it . . . to be you. I nearly didn't come out here because I was afraid of this being the truth."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked.

Explosions were happening all over the colony as the disintegration procedure began. All over the colony, lifeboats were being launched, sending them all towards Orb waters and land on Earth. In seconds, Heliopolis would cease to exist.

Athrun did not answer me directly. "Those were my friends, Cagalli. Miguel, Matthew, Olor . . . they were my friends. And you killed them."

"I'm sorry, but it wasn't like they gave me a choice," I replied.

Athrun again didn't directly answer. He just bit his lip and asked "Cagalli, why? Why are you inside that thing?"

He would have understood if I had said it was to protect Prince Kira. It was an understandable answer. A good one. The first one that popped into my head. But then I had second thoughts.

Like I mentioned, I was a political-science major. And I was smart enough to know I could not divulge that Kira was on the _Archangel_.

As far as I knew, Orb was still neutral, and the only forces the ZAFT had attempted to outright kill were Earth Alliance forces. This was going to become a major diplomatic crisis, but Lord Uzumi was notoriously skilled at political maneuvering. He would find a way to keep Orb neutral, as long as the ZAFT didn't know the EA had Kira in their possession.

If they knew Kira was on-board the _Archangel_, it would send precisely the wrong signals. Assumptions could be made that Orb was full-on collaborating with the Earth Alliance instead of an independent company like Morgenroete. That would mean Orb was no longer neutral and had chosen a side. Even Lord Uzumi would not be able to keep Orb from becoming yet another target of the ZAFT.

Even though Athrun had been a childhood friend, and my first kiss, I could not tell him that Kira was on-board. He could have changed greatly in five years, he had already changed enough to be a ZAFT special-forces soldier. I could not trust him. And even if he were to keep damning information a secret, who knew who could be listening in on his conversations?

So I said something else. Something selfish, but something that I hoped would still be convincing to anyone on the ZAFT who could be listening.

"I am fighting for my survival, Athrun," I said.

"Survival?" Athrun asked, completely dumbfounded.

"That's right. Survival. I need shelter. All of the other lucky citizens got to make it to a lifeboat. I ran to the Earth Alliance to find shelter. And guess what? I have to protect my shelter. That's why I'm in here, Athrun," I said.

Athrun's eyes shimmered from behind that visor. "Cagalli, the ZAFT could give you shelter. I promise, I'll vouch for you. I still care-"

Before he could finish, Heliopolis' destruction entered its most brutal phase.

The entire colony separated into dozens of pieces, large and small, all at once.

Air rushed out of the center of the colony, where Athrun and I were. Immediately, the vacuum became so powerful both Athrun and I got pulled away in opposite directions.

I screamed as I was pulled away from Athrun, pulled away from the _Archangel_.

I heard Athrun wail my name as he was pulled away into the debris field being created.

All around me, little lights flashed as lifeboats disconnected from the crumbling colony. It left the impression of so many lightning bugs flying away after their home had been disturbed, and they were taking off into the night sky.

It was surreal, dream-like, mesmerizing . . . or it would have been if I wasn't so completely terrified of what was happening to me. Nothing I could do would keep the Strike near Athrun or the _Archangel_.

Miguel's tortured scream entered my mind again as I floated completely out of control into deep space. I closed my eyes, and tried to forget it, but the scream just seemed to become louder the longer my eyes were shut.

It became clear to me that I would never forget that scream as long as I lived.

Control slowly returned to me, and thankfully, the shattering of the colony meant I didn't hit a piece of debris big enough to cripple the GUNDAM. That would've been really bad because I was not wearing a space suit.

My home since high school was crumbling apart. And nothing would stop it.

And now Athrun was gone, yet again, haunting me like a ghost. Now I see him, now I don't.

But that wasn't my main thought at the time.

I thought about my taunts at Miguel, which had caused considerable damage to the shaft. Miguel's wild firing had started the shaft's destruction, but it wasn't the end. Even that other GINN damaging the shaft with a sword strike hadn't been the final blow. The colony was still holding up even after the GINN's energy sword abuse.

The end was me.

I had provoked Miguel into firing so wildly he had damaged the shaft and colony walls in a rampage.

But that paled in comparison to what I had done.

In the end, it had been me who destroyed the support shaft.

I was responsible for Heliopolis' destruction.


	6. Escalates

littlemssstrawberry: Cagalli's not going into depression, she's too strong for that. She does brood, though. Most teenagers do. It's only natural, especially if you're a Gundam pilot. ^^;

Jodeist: Cagalli and Kira are much alike in how they shoulder the blames for what's happened to them and the people around them. I think it's the first (and really, only) hint we get that they're brother and sister before the big reveal. I think it shows their character as people that they will shoulder the blame for what they did wrong.

Cagalli's way too street-smart to be manipulated by someone. That's a big difference between her and Kira.

You will get your answer to the Athrun/Lacus equation soon. I don't want to spoil it publicly right now.

Lipana: I did a poor job of having the Strike get in front of the hangar bay, but I felt that to keep the action consistent, I had to give the Aile Pack, well, wings. XD I was already made aware of the Aile Pack, though luckily there's an out because Cagalli doesn't know French and neither does Kira.

mffz: Due to plot-sensitive information I answered you privately.

Sawagi-chan: I'm glad you're interested! I hope you enjoy what comes next. :)

Update is now! I hope you enjoy it! :) I am aware I am fudging the "gravity" thing on the _Archangel_, but considering how inconsistently gravity was portrayed in the show I decided to acknowledge and dance around it at the same time.

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Chapter Six: Escalates

I floated, completely inert, in the rubble for what seemed to be forever.

I wanted to believe this was all a dream. I would wake up, and I'd be in my dorm, and everything would be okay. I would just shake it off with a morning run, then take a shower, check my tablet for the new assignments of the day, and run to class.

No war. No battle. No military people forcing me to fight.

I pinched myself. I admit it. I pinched myself multiple times until I just punched the side of the cockpit in frustration. This was real, and I didn't want to realize that.

And that made hitting the cockpit extraordinarily stupid. If I had hit the wrong button, I would've ejected myself into space.

There were so many horror stories of what happened to exposed people that . . . no matter how despairing I could get, I could never picture myself dying that way. I don't want to freeze to death, or burn up as the sun's unprotected rays fry me. Every way to die in space is horrific, prolonged, graphic.

I looked as the little lights of the lifeboats' engines as they shrank into nothingness as they all turned in their preprogrammed courses.

_My home, it's gone._

I hoped everyone in Heliopolis had gotten to a shelter in time. I didn't want to . . . well . . .

Of course, it was then that I saw the bodies of a young family and what I assumed to be their dog float by my cockpit. People who never made it to a lifeboat in time, or assumed their homes would be safe enough during this emergency.

I felt bile rise in my throat as I saw them, caked with ice already, float aimlessly around me.

I put my hand to my mouth and forced myself not to look. Miguel's scream was still in the back of my mind. I didn't want to memorize the dead family and their pet either.

But, as I've written this down, I think it's pretty clear the imagery's stayed in my mind.

I shook my head violently. "Stay out of my head. Stay out. Get out of my head."

But it was no use, and just like Miguel's scream, the dead, frozen family, their faces contorted in surprise and horror, stayed with me.

I heard static on my radio. _"X-105 Strike Gundam . . . Cagalli Yamato . . . read . . . 105 Strike Gundam . . ."_

I faintly recognized the voice as Natarle's. The visual wasn't coming through clearly, the debris field was interfering so much already that all I could get was woefully inconsistent audio.

"Yeah?" I asked. My voice sounded like it was coming from another person. It sounded so vulnerable, exhausted, and tired. Nothing like how I usually sound.

"Is the Strike damaged?" Natarle asked.

_Figures. She's worried about the machine more than me,_ I thought. I very briefly considered telling Natarle that my situation was critical, but that suicidal thought was quickly expunged from my mind. What the recent terror of war had taught me was that I was not ready to die. Not by a long shot.

"No," I finally said.

Natarle sighed. _"Then return to the ship at once, Cagalli. Do you have our location?"_

I tried to work the sensors, and I finally saw the _Archangel_ show up on my display, though it flickered in and out at irregular intervals. That would be enough, though.

"Yeah. I have you guys," I said.

_"Good. Don't stay out there. The only oxygen you have right now is in your cockpit. That's not a lot."_

At least Natarle had remembered that I wasn't wearing a spacesuit, and without it I had no supply of air to draw from in here. My saving grace was that the cockpit was sealed airtight. No leaks.

As I adjusted my sensors to try to get a better fix on the _Archangel_, I noticed a peculiar flashing signal from the display. I flipped through the public channels, but I couldn't get anything just suggested the source of the signal, just static, and general chaos from the lifeboats.

I thought about ignoring the distress signal, but my conscience wouldn't let me. What if it was a lifeboat? Or Athrun had gotten hit by debris and was floating helplessly?

I knew what I had to do, lack of air or not.

My power was less than twenty percent. I was going to have to be really conservative, with both breathing and power, if I was going to pull this off. I steadily powered the Strike over to the distress signal, and used my eyes to try to locate the source.

And then I saw it.

It wasn't Athrun. It was a lifeboat.

I already knew what I had to do.

I heard static pop up on the public channel I was on. _"Heavy . . . engine failure . . . vicinity, need immediate . . . leak . . ."_

I recognized the voice immediately. It was the same man I had spoken to just hours before, when trying to get all of the civilians inside. The same shelter where I had put Tolle, Miriallia, and the others.

_Out of all the lifeboats, why this one?_

That solidified my decision right then and there. I was going to bring that lifeboat to the _Archangel_. I was still a civilian, so I technically didn't have to follow military orders if I didn't want to. And my friends were, in all likelihood, onboard.

I didn't try to talk to the man. Number one, I didn't want to speak to him. Number two, the reception was clearly so bad anything I could have said would have just confused the guy. If I could barely hear him, how could I expect him to hear me?

So I just reached, grabbed the lifeboat, and accelerated towards the _Archangel_, betting I could get there before my power ran out or my air.

* * *

I doubt you're surprised that I made it. You wouldn't be reading this right now if I had died.

But I had cut it close. My Phase Shift gave out just as I entered with the lifeboat inside the hangar bay, and I discovered I couldn't breathe just seconds before they closed the doors. I was beginning to clutch my throat when they announced that the hangar had been pressurized, and I quickly threw my cockpit door open and gulped down as much air as I could.

That had been _really_ stupid. I had nearly killed myself getting that lifeboat onboard. I couldn't take that risk again, not without a space suit so I had more air.

But it had worked out in the end. I had brought the lifeboat inside the ship, and my friends, if they hadn't been pulled out in the 'leak' that had been mentioned, were going to be okay.

An announcement rang out through loudspeakers. _"Commence Strike maintenance immediately! It may have to launch at any moment!"_

I saw Petty Officer Murdoch approach me. "Good job, kid!"

"Are you being sarcastic?" I asked.

Murdoch looked baffled. "Uh, no."

"I don't think I did that good of a job at all," I said. "Heliopolis exploded because of me, I killed three people, and I nearly died lugging that lifeboat in here. And I know I just pissed off my commanders by bringing the lifeboat onboard."

Murdoch blinked, and then sighed. "Look at it this way. Most of the lifeboats launched safely and they'll be back in Orb soon enough. Plus you just saved fifty-something Orb civilians in that lifeboat of yours. And you kept all of us alive. Despite what happened I'd have to say you did pretty well."

I thought of the frozen family with those horrific expressions forever etched on their faces.

"Not good enough," I said.

I floated past him and directed myself towards the lifeboat.

The crew forced the doors open, and guess who was the first person to get out of there?

Flay Allster.

"God, I couldn't stay one more second in there!" She hugged the first crewman she met. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

She then noticed me. "Uh . . . how the heck did you make it here?"

"What, no 'oh wow, you're alive'?" I asked.

Flay frowned. "Geez, what's up with you?"

Before I could answer, I heard "Cagalli!"

And there was Tolle Koenig.

"Tolle!"

He floated towards me and we embraced . . . and kinda went upside down. "Whoa! Not used to this weightless thing!"

"Neither am I," I said.

He put my hand against my face. "I knew you'd make it, Cagalli. I knew you would. You're too tough to die."

"Yeah," I said.

His smile faded, just a bit. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. It can wait," I said.

Miriallia escaped from the lifeboat then, and then stared at me in shock, like I was a zombie. "Cagalli . . ."

Tolle laughed. "Told ya, Miri! Told ya Cagalli would make it!"

Miriallia lost her stunned expression, and then smiled. "I shouldn't have doubted you."

I soon found myself surrounded by people I knew. Sai and Kuzzey joined in, and I felt good again. Like everything I had done earlier in the day were distant memories, or even dreams. I was no longer a pilot, I was just an ordinary college student again, surrounded by friends who were grateful I was alive.

It was a marked contrast from the military personnel, who seemed to think about how to use me the most.

While I was surrounded, I noticed Flay floating away alone. I'm not evil. It didn't take me very long to realize that while I had my friends, Flay had none of hers.

"Flay? Are you okay?" I asked.

Flay hesitated. "Yeah, I'm okay. Go enjoy hanging around."

Sai floated over to her. "It's okay, Flay. Really."

Flay's lips trembled. "Sai . . . my friends . . . we got separated. I don't even know if they're okay."

She shivered, and then looked up at the ceiling. "What is this place?"

"This is the _Archangel_," said a new voice. We all turned, and there was Kira.

I immediately questioned him exposing himself, where people could recognize him, but I realized that was the point. He wanted to show his citizens solidarity. That was something the Lion of Orb himself had probably drilled into his head. He had to identify with ordinary people, and in this case, why not show everyone that you're in the exact same position they're in, prince or not?

Sai recognized. "You can't be . . ."

Kira nodded. "I am. I'm Prince Kira."

People immediately began to crowd around us. More than one person pulled something and I heard digital shutter sounds as they snapped pictures of him. Somebody yelled "Yeah, it's him! It's really him!"

A young woman ran up to Kira. "Can I have your autograph?"

"When I have a pen," he said, blushing.

Mu La Flaga entered the scene, and he yelled "Enough! This is a military facility! Civilians are to be assigned quarters and boundaries. Leave the hangar bay in a organized fashion!"

I tried to sneak with my friends, but Mu caught that immediately. "Not you, Cagalli. You're heading back to the bridge with the prince and I."

"Why?" I asked.

"You're in this for the long haul, kid. The prince isn't getting off this vessel for a long time unless we get incredibly lucky. That means you're still flying the Strike until further notice."

I looked up at the Strike. _Oh great._

"Uh, Cagalli, what does he mean?" Tolle asked, a confused glance on his face.

Miriallia looked up at the Strike. "Did you have to fly that thing?"

Sai frowned. "No Natural can fly a Mobile Suit. Unless . . ."

Flay being Flay, she shrieked "She's a Coordinator!"

Cue bedlam.

* * *

It took the combined efforts of Mu, his troopers, and virtually every mechanic in the hangar bay to get the prince, I, and my friends out of the hangar bay and into a private room. This included Flay, unfortunately. The fact she couldn't shut up about me being a Coordinator didn't help matters one bit. Eventually, Natarle Badgiruel got involved in the near-riot, and one look from her shut Flay up in an instant.

After that, the crowd got noticeably calmer, and we were planted in a private room, the officer's cafeteria to be exact. There, Natarle, Murrue, and Mu looked at all of us with bemused glances.

"Okay," Murrue said, "Which one of you shouted 'Coordinator'?"

"_She_ did." Everyone pointed at Flay.

Murrue walked up to Flay. "That was highly irresponsible, Ms. Allster."

"You know her?" Tolle asked.

"Her father's Vice Minister of Defense in the North American Federation, among other things. A lot of people know the Allster family. I see enough of a family resemblance to know who she is."

Flay looked away. "She's a Coordinator. They're the enemy. They bombed Edinburgh, my hometown. Razed it to the ground."

One of the early ZAFT campaigns involved a raid at Edinburgh. The ZAFT who raided the place were all killed or captured in the end, but they caused hundreds of thousands of civilian deaths, and the historic city was ultimately ruined. They were just now starting to rebuild it, and progress was slow because of war consuming resources.

Tolle looked at her. "Cagalli is not the enemy! She saved our lives!"

"Who says she isn't spying for them?" Flay asked.

"If I was spying for them, don't you think I would've joined them instead of fighting them? I killed three Coordinators today!" I asked.

Tolle's eyes widened. "Really? You killed three of them?"

"They gave me no choice," I said. It was a lie, _two_ of them gave me no choice. There was no way out of killing those two. But Miguel . . .

My friends and Flay all looked at me in amazement. Mu just shook his head. "Look, I think we've all figured out that Cagalli is on _our_ side, okay? So let's let bygones be bygones."

"I'm not on your side either," I said. "I'm on Orb's side. And that means I'm neutral in this war. Don't think you military types own me."

Natarle frowned. "Remember, Cagalli, you are the only line of defense until the Moebius Zero is fixed. I think you'll find it recommended that you follow our orders. Bringing the civilians in here was a reckless act."

"It was also a noble one," Murrue said. "Problem is, the ship isn't fully supplied. And all of these civilians onboard means that our limited supplies will be used up quicker."

Natarle looked at Murrue. "Are you sure it is wise to say this in front of civilians?"

"We were going to have this conversation in front of Cagalli anyway. What's a few more civilians at this point?" Murrue asked.

Natarle just shook her head. "If you say so, Lieutenant Ramius."

Murrue looked at all of us. "I'm going to dismiss all of you except for Cagalli. Let the other civilians know this. They are guests, but that doesn't mean that they run the ship. They must acquiescence to military orders. We're all in this together now."

"Uh, okay," Tolle said.

"Also, let everyone know that the Coordinator onboard is to be treated with respect, or at the very least, politeness. She is the reason why they're alive right now. That's the least they can give her."

"No, the least they can give me is to bow down and kiss my feet," I said.

Everyone looked at me.

"It's a joke," I said, as I felt my face heat up.

"And on _that_ awkward note," Mu said, "You civilians are dismissed. Shoo."

After moving them out of the officer's cafeteria, Mu sighed. "Thank God that's over with."

"You have some good friends," Kira said.

"I guess," I replied.

Murrue looked at me. "Cagalli, we're going to need you out there multiple times in all likelihood. Can you do this for us?"

"Yeah," I said.

"While you were bringing the lifepod onboard, Mu, Natarle and I were considering our next move. The debris field is masking our position from the ZAFT ship. We have limited fuel, food, and water," Murrue said.

"What Lieutenant Ramius, Lieutenant La Flaga, and I decided was that it's best to break out towards Artemis," Natarle said. "It is the closest Earth Alliance base, actually, it's the only base we can make it to with our current amount of fuel. We're going to have to either ram through or sneak past the ZAFT in order to make it."

"What about ammunition?" I asked.

Natarle chuckled sardonically. "One thing our late superiors, in all their wisdom, was to fully load the _Archangel_ with ammunition. That's the one thing we've got in plenty. We have a manpower issue, a food issue, a water issue, a fuel issue . . . but no ammunition issue."

Murrue folded her hands and looked at me in the eyes. "Cagalli, I want you to find a pilot suit that fits you and be on standby as soon as possible."

"I understand," I said. I knew there was no other option, but that didn't mean I had to like it. I just had to make do with my subtle digs at them every now and then to show I wasn't their lapdog.

Murrue smiled. "You'll make it through this. We all will. Now, you're dismissed. Please be ready to fight at a moment's notice."

"What about sleep?" I asked. "Do I have permission to sleep?"

Murrue laughed. "Of course. I'm not going to-"

Suddenly, I felt extraordinarily heavy, and slammed onto the floor. "Ow."

"Hey," Mu said, "They finally fixed the artificial gravity."

"This ship has artificial gravity?" I asked.

"Except for the hallways," Murrue said. "To maximize efficiency, you're weightless in hallways, but once you enter a room like this one, you have normal Earth gravity."

"Oh great," I said. "I'm going to be spacesick forever."

Natarle tossed a bottle of anti-spacesickness pills at me. "Then this is your new best friend."

I just looked at her. "Gee, thanks."

A wry smile crossed Natarle's face. "You're welcome."

* * *

The anti-spacesickness pills helped me only feel mildly ill as I floated down the hallway towards my assigned room. I had changed to my pilot suit, after nearly an hour of digging through a locker room's worth of clothing. I hadn't yet found a normal uniform that fit me, though.

In a way, I was glad I hadn't. It just would've solidified the impression that I had become a soldier, an Earth Alliance dog.

I was not the type who took orders very well. But I also knew what I had to do. And I knew I had to follow orders if I wanted to live, along with everyone else.

As I opened the door to my room, I saw Miriallia and Tolle both there. "Oh wow," Miriallia said.

"You really _are_ flying that thing," Tolle said.

"I don't have a choice," I said. "There's no sense complaining or whining about it. It's what I have to do."

Miriallia raised an eyebrow. "You sure you're cool with this? You could get killed."

"Yeah, I know. You don't have a ton of confidence in me," I said, reminding her of Tolle's comment made in the hangar bay. That had hurt that Miriallia hadn't thought I would come back.

Miriallia's eyes widened. "Well, I mean . . . you're up against professional soldiers! But, I, well . . . if you can defeat three professional soldiers already, who says you can't beat more?"

"That's right," Tolle said. "You got that new Mobile Suit thingie. What's it called again?"

"GUNDAM," I said. "Well, the Strike GUNDAM."

"GUNDAM," Miriallia repeated. "That's kind of a funny name for a Mobile Suit."

"You don't say," I replied. "Anyway, what's going on with you guys?"

Miriallia said "They're already asking the civilians to help undermanned parts of the ship. I'm surprised how many are actually agreeing."

"We don't know what we're doing yet," Tolle said.

"Go ahead and help if you guys want to," I said. "Lieutenant Ramius says that there's a bad manpower issue going on. They need help everywhere."

"Maybe they'll let me take over a gun," Tolle said with a grin. "Bang, bang, bang!"

"There's no sound in space, Tolle," Miriallia said.

"Oh yeah. Damn," Tolle replied.

"Also," Miriallia added, "I wouldn't let you take over a gun even if you paid me. You'd run out of ammunition after the first battle and maybe have one kill to show for it."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Tolle grumbled. Miriallia just laughed.

"What about Sai and Kuzzey? And I guess Flay too?" I asked.

"Sai's being all brave and stuff, he's volunteering for bridge duty. Kuzzey did the same thing right after Sai did. Flay says that the reason why her father sent her to Orb was to avoid fighting and she doesn't want to go against his wishes or some junk like that," Miriallia replied.

That didn't surprise me about Flay. This was far from the first Natural/Coordinator conflict in our lifetimes. Flay had spent so much time in Orb territory that she didn't sound British. She sounded like a native Orb citizen.

Again, though, as much as I wanted to hate her, I couldn't. I understood her reasons for not fighting, if her father _was_ the reason. But I didn't think that was the reason.

Flay occasionally acted like an airhead but she was smart. And she knew as much as anyone she didn't have anything to offer the _Archangel_. She had nothing resembling combat training and lacked the athleticism you need in a soldier. And she didn't function so well under pressure.

She'd actually be a liability if she fought. And I think she knew it and didn't want to admit it, so she was taking the high road and saying stuff about her father.

"I guess that makes sense. You guys should volunteer for bridge duty too. The more friends I have there the better I'll feel," I said.

Tolle looked surprised. "Why do you want us at the bridge?"

I froze for a second, as I didn't want to say why. But finally, I did.

"I don't want you guys being killed in some random corner of the ship if it gets hit by enemy fire. I want you guys in a position I can recognize and protect at a moment's notice. I may not be able to do that if you're in some random turret," I replied.

Miriallia's eyes widened. "Cagalli, you don't need to worry about us. We'll be okay, no matter where we go."

"I just want you all in the same spot," I said. "The exact same, recognizable spot, so I can defend it."

Tolle looked at me sympathetically and placed a hand on my shoulder. "I understand, Cagalli."

I hugged him. "Thank you."

Miriallia sighed. "I'll just leave you guys alone."

"No," I said. "Please stay. You're my best friend, Miri."

Miriallia looked at me in surprise. "You really mean it."

"Of course I do."

Miriallia walked over. "Oh fine, I'll make this a group hug. You act so tough, Cagalli, but you're soft on the inside, aren't you?"

"Yeah," I said with a smile. "I guess I am."

War is boredom spliced with moments of sheer terror. I needed them in that room with me. I still hadn't gotten over the terror I had already experienced, and would experience again. I needed to know why I was going out there, into situation that could kill me.

Tolle and Miriallia were why.

Sai and Kuzzey were why.

Kira was why.

Oh, hell, I'll even throw in Flay.

I was fighting for everybody.

And that's what allowed me to accept flying the Strike again. And fly the Strike many more times.

I knew exactly what I was fighting for.


	7. Empty Spaces

littlemssstrawberry: Ahmed and Kisaka will show up eventually. But "eventually" isn't for a while. XD

Jodeist: Some things never change. Problem is, Flay is without someone to manipulate so she's in a bit of a spot. XD

nisey610: Thank you for your kind words, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.

mffz: I'm glad you understand everything better. ^^ The differences in the story stem from the mere fact that Cagalli and Kira are different people. It's already changed the story. Cagalli being in Kira's position has changed Athrun's thought process, and changed the circle of friends, etc. So even though we're currently following the SEED path, the way they're getting there is different just because of Cagalli's actions.

Here's the next chapter!

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Chapter Seven: Empty Spaces

Miriallia and I shared a room together for the night, and, much to my surprise, I went out like a light. You would think I would be too nervous, too energetic, too scared, to fall asleep, but once I put the covers over myself, I realized that all of your emotions and rampant thoughts give way to sheer biological impulse.

Which, in this case, is sleep.

The artificial gravity system extended to sleeping quarters, which was a lucky break. In an emergency, there were these tight cots pretty much nailed to the walls we were supposed to get in, they were supposed to keep people from floating away while asleep. I looked at one out of sheer curiosity, and I could already tell that it was something I would never want to experience for myself. And if _I_ don't want to sleep in these cots, I can't imagine how the rest of the civilians would think.

They gave out military uniforms to all of the civilians who volunteered. The way you could tell the difference was that the civilians all wore plain uniforms. No decorations, no ranks. Just plain blue uniforms signifying the rank-and-file, only without even a private's lone chevron.

I woke up to discover Tori sitting on my nose.

"Oh great," I murmured. "You always pick the worst moments to pop in."

Tori chirped.

"Yeah, that's what you always say," I replied.

Miriallia laughed from the bunk above me. "Tori took off during all of the chaos in the hangar bay yesterday. The military guy who handed it to me said that the bird drove everybody nuts while they were maintaining the Strike. Sounds to me like Tori was looking for you."

"He could've found me faster," I said.

"Yeah, most likely," Miriallia said.

I looked at the clock. Time meant nothing in space, but people still set clocks. They were set to Greenwich Mean Time in Earth Forces vessels.

In other words, the exact opposite from Orb. Orb citizens always set their clocks to Tokyo. Greenwich was halfway across the world. Thus, instead of waking up in the morning, it was actually night according to the Earth Forces.

I noted sardonically that meant my day of hell technically wasn't over yet.

Tori got off my nose and fluttered around the cabin and sat down on a random table. It chirped again, and then its eyes darkened to black. Now that it was woken me up, it expected to sleep. Or whatever passed for "sleep" in its little robotic brain.

How . . . pet-like of it.

The top bunk had been taken by Miriallia. I didn't complain about it, Miriallia, along with every other Orb civilian onboard, was having a rough go of it too. Even those who hadn't volunteered to fight still had to make do with reduced supplies and facilities.

I guess that because I was the pilot of the Strike, I could've demanded the top bunk, but I wanted to be nice to Miriallia. She was my best friend. I knew she liked Tolle and the fact that I had pretty much stolen him away from her had to hurt. I just wanted her to know that I cared about her. That I would always appreciate her continued friendship despite what could have torn us apart.

The alarm went off then. Murrue's voice came over the loudspeaker. "All authorized personnel, report to battle stations. I repeat, all authorized personnel, report to battle stations. This is not a drill. ZAFT cruisers are in the immediate vicinity."

Miriallia sighed, and then jumped off the top bunk, skipping the ladder entirely. "I'm going to head to the bridge, Cagalli."

"You and Tolle managed to get bridge duty?" I asked, pleasantly surprised.

"Yeah. In fact Sai and I have Mobile Suit duty. So I'm coordinating _you_, Coordinator."

I sighed. "You just _had_ to say that."

"If I didn't, Tolle would. Now I have to tell him I beat him to it first," Miriallia said, as she took off for the outside. "Good luck, Cagalli."

"Thanks. I'll be ready to go really soon," I replied.

I popped a couple more anti-spacesickness pills and floated down the hallway. I hoped that eventually my body would get used to being weightless and I wouldn't have to keep taking these. Of course, preferably, I wanted to be on Earth as soon as possible, but considering how crappy the last twenty-four hours or so had been, I wasn't counting on such a lucky break.

As I made it to the hangar, I bumped into Lieutenant La Flaga. He seemed to be waiting for me. "Yo."

"Yo yourself."

"I get that a lot. Anyway, Cagalli, you're not going out there alone. The Moebius Zero's been repaired enough to deploy too."

"That's your Mobile Armor, right?"

"Good guess. You're right. What happened is that our attempt to trick the ZAFT by firing a decoy and then floating to Artemis by inertia didn't go according to plan."

"You did say this are ZAFT special forces."

"Had to try. Anyway, here's the plan. You're going to distract them by flying around and acting all GUNDAM-y."

"That sounded wrong."

"I'm aware of that." Mu cleared his throat. "Anyway, I'm going to go after the lead ship, a _Nazca_-class called the _Vesalius_. I'm going to destroy it, or at least disable it. That'll hopefully strand all of the Mobile Suits who go after you and the _Archangel_. Then it's just a matter of outlasting them until we either get to Artemis or they run out of power, whichever comes first."

"Sounds excessively risky. To me."

"We're all risking our lives out there, princess."

"I'm not a princess."

Mu facepalmed. "Also, lighten up when things are directed at you. I noticed you had great fun mocking that one pilot but didn't take it so well when he insulted you."

I couldn't meet his gaze then. I knew what he was saying, and I couldn't argue the point. "I . . . I know."

"You have to learn how to take things in stride, princess."

"I'm not a princess."

"What, you prefer being called a boy instead?"

I gritted my teeth, and bit back my inevitably immature retort. My facial expression had to give away my feelings, though, because Mu said "That's what I thought. You can't let every little thing affect you, especially out there in combat."

"Let's just get this over with," I said.

Mu sighed. "Right. I'll see you soon."

As he floated away, I went up towards the Strike, where, unsurprisingly, Kira was there still messing with the systems.

"You know, prince, unless you feel like being a frozen corpse, you might want to get out of here. I'm launching really soon and they're going to have to let the air out," I said.

Kira nodded. "I know. But I'm just about finished."

"With what?"

"You now have the Launcher Pack installed so you have long-range capability, though I doubt that'll work in this battle. Also, I've tried to make the interface as close to a ZAFT model as much as I can. I'm trying to make this as simple for you to pilot as well."

"Thank you," I said.

Kira smiled. 'Also, I managed to extend your battery life with all three packs just a little bit. It's not much, though. Phase Shift isn't going to last forever."

"I know. I'll be more careful with it this time," I said. "No more panicking and firing like I'm crazy."

"That'll be helpful," Kira said with a smile.

I heard Mu yell from down the hangar. "Look, princess, either marry him or get ready to launch! You're going first!"

Kira sighed. "He's right, you do have to go first. You're the decoy if I remember correctly."

"You're aware of the plan?" I asked.

"I was there when they planned it, so yeah," Kira said. "But I know you'll make it back. You're a good pilot and hopefully everything at your disposal will be enough for you to keep coming back."

"Thank you. I promise."

Kira left the cockpit then, and I sighed as I put the helmet on and activated the systems.

I was not looking forward to this.

One thing Kira did successfully was make launching the GUNDAM much easier. Controls still felt a little wonky but they were also an improvement. It didn't feel like it took as many buttons to get what I wanted ready to go. Miriallia also made sure I got the Aile Pack right away, I had a feeling I was going to need this more than the Sword Pack.

The _Archangel_ was firing barrage after barrage at the enemy, which I couldn't quite see. Then Miriallia came on the line again, and it turned out I preferred not knowing what the enemy was.

_"Cagalli, they've sent all four GUNDAMs out. It's going to be four on one."_

"What? Me against four GUNDAMs?"

_"That's right. They are the Duel, Buster, Aegis, and Blitz. Blitz in particular looks nasty, it's got a stealth capability."_

"Thanks, Miri. I'll try not to die."

_"Just trying to give you a heads-up, Cagalli. I've got your back. By the way, Moebius Zero's launched. Just get their attention so they don't notice Mu sneaking up on them."_

"Right. Get their attention." I looked up ahead, and the GUNDAMs were getting really close to the _Archangel_. That was something I couldn't allow to happen. "Oh, what the hell."

I fired a few random shots at the distant shapes, and suddenly two of them came a lot closer really fast.

Yeah, I had definitely caught their attention.

And guess who was in the lead but the Aegis? And I was being hailed yet again.

There was no hesitation in picking it up this time. I figured that if Athrun was going to talk to me, he wouldn't want his buddies shooting at me any more than I did. After all, he was going to try to recruit me like he did last time.

And yes, there was Athrun. _"You're still in that thing."_

"I have to be," I said.

_"If it's shelter you're looking for, we can provide it, Cagalli. I sitll care about you. I don't want to fight you."_

"Good, neither do I. You and your friends get out of here and we'll pretend we're not flying these things," I said.

Athrun sighed. _"Cagalli, if you're going to die for shelter you can have with ZAFT . . ."_

"I picked up an escape pod, Athrun."

_"A what?"_

"I picked up an escape pod from Heliopolis. It had my friends inside. I have to protect them, Athrun. They don't deserve to die out here."

_"That's an excuse!"_

"I don't consider my friends to be an excuse, Athrun! I will protect them and that's final!"

Athrun fell silent. Then I heard a harsh voice pop up on his com. _"Athrun, stop talking to your fake Natural-loving girlfriend and get out of the way."_

Suddenly, I saw the Duel charge past the Aegis. That must be "Yzak".

I heard Athrun shout "_Yzak, wait!"_

I had no choice. I opened fire on the Duel as it charged me, and I forced it to back off. But then I found myself being surrounded by the other two GUNDAMs, Blitz and Buster. They had left the Archangel and had decided to join in on the fun of knocking Athrun's "Natural-loving fake girlfriend" around.

I was already becoming surrounded.

But here came the Aegis. It had transformed into a Mobile Armor, and I uncomfortably noted that it looked like a massive pincer now.

I was in trouble.  
_  
_I shot at them all over and over as I forced them to keep away from me. I heard Athrun shout at me _"Cagalli, please! I don't want you to get killed! Stop shooting at us!"_

"Forget it, Athrun!"  
_  
"I still remember the park, Cagalli! I still remember it!"_

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" __

"I am not losing my best friend to this war! Not now!" Athrun yelled.  
_  
_I was so sick and tired of him yelling at me that I just shot at the Aegis out of annoyance. Athrun yelped in surprise, and I got a small hint of satisfaction out of that.

Buster fired at me, and I barely got out of the way in time. I nearly shot at it next, but the Duel was making another saber charge. I shot at "Yzak" again and the Duel had to back off, lest he eat a barrage.

The targeting system was a lot better than before. I was shooting with accuracy, and it was only the skill of the pilots that were preventing me from causing any real damage. Kira really had been working hard on this thing for me. I made a mental note to myself that if I survived this, this required more than a simple "thank you". This was entering "give him a gift" territory.

I heard Mu on the com._ "Got 'em, Cagalli! The Vesalius has been hit! I'm on my way back, just try to hold out!"_

"Easier said than done," I growled, and opened fire on them all, even Athrun.

I didn't want to shoot at Athrun. But I was uncomfortably realizing that the pincer was just big enough to grab a GUNDAM. I had the feeling that Athrun's plan was to carry me away from the Archangel and back towards his ship.

The Blitz turned invisible then. The stealth technology, which I learned later was called "Mirage Celloid", was doing a good job at hiding the Blitz's presence, it looked like any other part of the starry surroundings. I fired madly where the Blitz had vanished, and, much to my surprise, the Blitz reappeared into view, smoking, and the Phase Shift Armor only now turning on. __

"Good job, Cagalli!" Miriallia yelled. _"Natarle says that the Blitz can't use Phase Shift in stealth mode! Good thinking!"_

The truth was that I wasn't thinking, I was already on the edge of outright panic. But the Blitz seemed to want to retreat, which had to be a good sign. Making things three-on-one would greatly increase my odds of survival.

I was down to less than fifty percent in energy after just ten minutes of fighting. I couldn't keep this up all day.

Suddenly, Athrun slammed into me from behind, and I was indeed enveloped by the Aegis' pincers. I tried to struggle, but Athrun would not let go.

Athrun spoke then._ "Cagalli, stop fighting. This way, you don't have to worry about your friends at all. You can surrender with dignity."_

"You think me being carried away from you is dignified? What the hell did your father do to your brain?" I snapped. __

"I still remember the park, Cagalli."

"Oh yeah?" __

"You remember it too, don't you?"

I bit my lip. "I do."  
_  
"Then you must understand why I can't let you do this. We can fight together, Cagalli. I will vouch for you. You will be happy here. I promise."_

I wanted to believe him. He had been my friend since kindergarten. But I thought about Tolle, and Miriallia, and every single Orb citizen onboard the Archangel, and I knew I could not abandon them.

"Miri, can the Phase Shift take the Aile Pack blowing up?" __

"What?" Miriallia cried.  
_  
_Natarle stepped in then._ "It theoretically can but it'll falter really fast afterwards. Disconnect from the Aile Pack the moment you set it to blow."_

"Get the Sword Pack ready to launch. I'm going to blow the Aile Pack and try to get out of here. It's my only chance."

I heard a brief pause, and then Natarle said _"If it's the only way. Do it."_

I was about to hit it when the Moebius Zero blasted Athrun from behind.

He cried out, and the jolt sent me spiraling out of the Aegis' grasp. The Strike's warning systems were going off, I had taken damage, but it was still operable. More importantly, I had damaged the Blitz and now the Aegis was damaged too. But the cost of that was that my battery was close to toast, I had wasted so much power struggling in the Aegis' grasp that I was down to five percent.

I flew for my life, the Buster shooting at me wildly and the Duel in rapid pursuit, as the Aegis smoked wildly. I saw the Blitz power towards the Aegis, presumably to check on Athrun.

I heard Athrun whisper to me then._ "Cagalli, nothing will make me stop caring."_

That made me freeze_. "What?"_

That's when Buster hit me. And took out the rest of my Phase Shift with it.

The Duel was coming right for me. And my heart stopped.

I was going to die.

This wasn't how I wanted to die. I wanted to die of old age in some bed somewhere, not getting impaled and melting or god-knows what happens to people who get skewered by a GUNDAM sword.

Then the Duel was hit hard by a barrage. And I heard Mu's voice._ "You all right, princess?"_

"I'm fine, and I'm not a princess," I whispered.

Mu sighed._ "You know, a 'thank you' could suffice."_

Murrue spoke then._ "Cagalli, we've launched a Sword Pack. Install your battery, hurry!"_

I saw the Sword Pack coming, and accelerated my dying Mobile Suit right towards it. The Duel recovered from Mu's barrage enough to try to rush me again. It knew what I was doing and wanted to prevent it by all means. Mu, for his part, kept Buster and Blitz from interfering by being a general nuisance. The Aegis, for its part, seemed to be retreating out of the battle. __

I installed the Sword Pack right as the Duel was aout to cleave me in half.  
_  
_"Go _away!"_

I sliced the Duel's left arm off in one swift motion.

The Duel froze, as if stunned by what I had done.

I had no choice. Athrun's wingman or not, I had to kill "Yzak" or "Isaac" or whatever his name was in order to survive. But as I aimed to stab him in the torso, the Blitz had managed to get by Mu and took a few shots at me. The Phase Shift absorbed them, but the Blitz had distracted me enough for the Duel to pull back.

Then the Blitz retreated as well, acting as rearguard while the other GUNDAMs blasted away. It occurred to me that they had to have limited battery lives as well. I wasn't the only one running with limited energy. They could use theirs up just as quickly as I could.

I was going to live.

All at once, it felt like I had rejoined reality. I was gasping for air, like I had held my breath for that entire battle without realizing it. I noticed my face was soaked in sweat, so much so that it was dripping on my helmet. It was all stress, not because of work. I'm in zero gravity, so my arms and legs weren't tired at all. But the sheer stress had left me feeling like I had run a marathon.

I heard Mu's voice. _"We did good work, kid. Now let's head back. I don't think Le Creuset is going to be in any mood for a round two." _

I didn't like being called "kid" that much but it was better than "princess". "Right, Lieutenant."

I hoped he was right. I wasn't in the mood for a "round two" either.

The first thing I did after landing the damaged Strike was to march (and float) to my sleeping quarters and collapse. The first two fights I had were mere warm-ups. That had been the real thing. War in all of its ambiguity and horror.

Who knew how badly I had hurt Athrun. Who knew how long it would be before ZAFT attacked us again?

I just wanted to sleep. Sleep and forget everything I had done.

But it was impossible. I had nearly made another a big mistake. One that could've killed Athrun. I had been about to blow the Aile Pack right in Athrun's face. That could've killed him.

And his last words to me hinted that he still loved me.

If this was calculated to make me conflicted, he had a good plan. I was conflicted. Realizing you're loved by a friend-turned-enemy does that to you. At least, that was my impression of Athrun. It seemed he had never quite let me go when we went our separate ways back at the academy.

For a girl so often called a boy, whether by genuine accident or by harmful teasing, why was I attractive to two actual boys? Why was Athrun so obsessed with getting me back? And why did Tolle care for me when the more feminine Miriallia Haw was right there? She was a normal girl. It was becoming rapidly clear that I wasn't.

Miriallia entered the room then. "Oh, so there you are. You kinda took off on us."

"I'm tired. Close the door."

Miriallia sighed as she closed it. "Tolle's worried about you, you know. He doesn't understand why you'd just take off."

"I'll tell him I'm sorry later," I promised. "I just need to crash for a little bit. I'm tired, exhausted, and terrified."

"You, terrified?"

"You would be too if you were in my position," I said.

Miriallia chuckled. "Yeah, most likely. Everybody's shaken up even though the Archangel didn't do a ton of fighting. You and Mu took care of all of the fighting, but everyone's a bunch of nerves. Especially civilians like us who volunteered."

"That doesn't surprise me," I said. "I doubt any of the civilians have military experience. This is new to them."

There was a brief silence. "I think you got through to the skeptics, though. A lot of civilians were talking about you. They know how brave you're being."

"That's nice. Now they won't actively despise my existence," I replied.

Miriallia sighed. "There you go. You're old Cagalli already."

"Sorry."

The ship rocked briefly. "What's going on?" I asked.

"Must be getting pretty close to Artemis," Miriallia said. "We weren't far away from it when we escaped. Maybe we're docking with the base already."

"Good. So maybe the base can figure out a way to let all of us go," I said.

"That would be nice," Miriallia said. "I think all of the volunteers have had enough of the military for a lifetime."

I heard cloth flaps then, and I finally turned to look at Miriallia. She smiled as she showed off an Earth Alliance women's uniform in her hands. It was violet, as per standard for a noncommissioned female in the fleet, but had a normal skirt akin to Murrue's and Natarle's in that it went down to the knees. This was opposed to the black miniskirt Miriallia was wearing.

"Found a uniform for you to wear, finally," she said.

"Thank you," I said, relieved. I quickly changed out of my pilot's uniform to the normal uniform and promptly collapsed onto the bed again. "God, now I definitely feel like a soldier."

"We all do," Miriallia said. "We're bored out of our minds until something happens."

"And we prefer boredom over something happening," I said.

"True."

There was a knock on the door, and a male voice I've never heard before shouted, in a German accent, "Is anyone in there? Open up? This is Earth Alliance Artemis personnel!"

"No point in hiding," Miriallia said. "Besides, they said they're from Artemis, right?"

"Yeah, go ahead," I said.

Miriallia walked right up to the door, and let it slide open.

And promptly got a gun pointed directly at her face.


	8. Indestructible

Pelponnese: I'll modify chapter five as soon as possible with a more logical explanation. I think the "take-off" method would work because that's how it worked in actual canon and I didn't quite comprehend that when I actually wrote the chapter. Thank you again for your intelligent observations regarding the science, which fixed my ignorance on the subject. I hope you enjoy where the story goes from where, there's still some familiar turf to go . . .

littlemssstrawberry: Yes, there's a cliffhanger. Expect a lot of those. XD Hope you enjoy the next chapter!

Jodeist: Yes, there is AsuCaga. XD And Tolle's feelings are more than a crush, and Cagalli feels the same way as you'll soon see. Oddly enough, I was a Kira/Cagalli shipper before the revelation that they're siblings came out so I might still throw something like that in just for fun. As for Kira and Lacus winding up together . . . who knows? The eventual shift in direction might change things, including how relationships develop . . .

Hope you enjoy the new chapter!

mffz: Who knows? *evil smirk* Anyway, here's the new update, enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Eight: Indestructible**

Miriallia flung up her hands instantly. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm on your side!"

The German-accented trooper cocked an eyebrow. "Oh? Then what's your rank, _fraulein_? Where your decorations?"

"Uh . . . fine. My friend and I are Orb-"

"Don't care, _fraulein_. Move it, both of you. Cafeteria."

Miriallia looked at me helplessly, and I shrugged my shoulders. "Guess Artemis feels cranky today."

The German-accented trooper made sure we went exactly where he wanted to go. I tried to distract him, though, by attempting my own German. And in case it isn't obvious, I've translated what was said into the language you're reading.

"What's going on, uh, sergeant?"

"Oh? You speak German?"

"I speak it pretty well."

"Standard security measures, girl. That's all you need to know," he said haughtily.

"Standard security measures?" I repeated.

He frowned at me. "Stupid girl, of course these are standard security measures! Artemis is the most invincible base in orbit around the Earth! We can't let it be captured by infiltration from within! Now cooperate without complaining!"

"I'm not complaining, I'm just asking questions."

"And I'm sick of answering your questions. Now keep moving. We're almost there."

Miriallia gave me an odd look. "You actually paid attention in German class?"

"Yes. Glad to know I can still speak it okay."

"Not like it was any help," Miriallia said.

"Yeah, I know," I sighed.

* * *

We wound up in the cafeteria, and much to my surprise, a lot of people were crammed inside. It looked like every enlisted man, along with most of the civilians, were all stuck in here, and there were guards everywhere.

"Inside," the sergeant said. "Now."

"Yes," I said, and both Miriallia and I entered the cafeteria and moved towards our small circle of friends and Flay.

Tolle gave me a lopsided smile. "I was wondering when they were gonna catch you."

"Wasn't even trying to hide," I said as I sat down in the seat in front of Tolle.

"What's going on?" Miriallia asked.

Sai folded his hands. "The guy in command of Artemis is basically making sure we are who we say we are. He thinks there's a chance that we're an infiltration team sent by ZAFT to undermine Artemis' defenses."

"Is he nuts?" I asked. "Artemis had to have seen us fight the ZAFT forces just hours ago."

"If they did," Sai said grimly, "I don't think they don't care either way."

"Why?" I asked.

"Something seems wrong about these guys," Tolle said. "They're acting like we're the enemy."

One of the petty officers spoke, I recognized his voice immediately. "The problem is that we don't have an identification code. We weren't meant to launch yet so we never got one. If we had one, this mess would've been cleaned up pretty fast."

"You're Petty Officer Pal," I said.

"Petty Officer Romero Pal," he said. "This guy next to me is Petty Officer Jackie Tonomura. Both 2nd Class, by the way. We serve on the bridge crew."

Kuzzey looked around. "They got us all herded together, except for the two officer women and that pilot guy."

"You mean Lieutenant Ramius, Ensign Badgiruel, and Lieutenant La Flaga, respectively," I said.

"Yeah, them," Kuzzey said. "You notice they're not here either? Wonder where they took them."

"We got separated from them," Romero Pal said. "I don't know where they went. They could be anywhere for all I know."

"They were taken off the ship," Kira said.

"Oh, you're here too?" I asked.

"They didn't recognize me," Kira said. "And I'd prefer if things stayed that way."

He handed me a small sheet of paper then. He whispered "Memorize it and destroy it."

"You know where they were taken?" Jackie Tonomura asked, his face skeptical.

"Yeah," Kira said. "They're being taken off the ship to some room inside the base. The commanding officer of Artemis is going to be interviewing them. Make sure they check out."

"Oh, so this might be only temporary," Sai said.

"Yeah. Key word is 'might'," Kira said. "You guys are right when you're saying something's off about this base. They're too confident in its protections, and are too paranoid of outsiders to be of any real use to the Earth Alliance. Artemis just kind of sits here, doing absolutely nothing besides being an impregnable fortress."

"How impregnable is it?" Kuzzey asked.

Kira shook his head. "I have no clue. Now, I'm going to head over to the rest of the civilians and try to blend in with them. Don't blow my cover. The last thing we need is them knowing they have an Orb prince on-board. Who knows what they'll do then?"

He walked away towards the other side of the room, where the civilians were.

"He's kinda cute," Flay said suddenly.

"How can you be thinking about boys at a time like this?" Miriallia asked.

"I'm just saying he's cute! Is that a crime?" Flay asked.

Romero Pal gave her a look. "You are aware we're in a life-and-death situation, possibly."

Flay looked down. "I just . . . I just don't want to think about that, okay?"

"What? You want to think everything's just roses and butterflies?" Kuzzey asked.

"Hey, leave her alone," Sai said. "I think we want all things to be normal again, don't we all agree with that?"

"I guess," Kuzzey said.

I took a moment to read the paper Kira had handed me. It was frantic scribbling, scarcely legible, I guess penmanship was something Kira hadn't received tutoring in. But I understood after a couple of read-throughs.

_Cagalli, as we approached Artemis Lt. La Flaga suggested that you and I put a lock on the O.S. so that way only you can use it. I couldn't find you so I placed a fifty-character lock on it by myself. It's displayed below. Memorize the lock and then destroy it once you do._

I wondered if Kira thought I was some kind of machine. Did he really think I could memorize all of this? I read it over and over and finally managed to memorize half of it before something caught my attention.

I looked over to where the civilians were, and I saw a young girl crying by herself. She wasn't making any noise, just trembling and struggling to hold in tears.

I hesitated, but it seemed everyone else was caught up in their own conversations to notice. Or were looking at the guards nervously, as if the guards would aim their guns at any second and kill every single person in the room at a moment's notice.

I sighed softly. Miriallia looked at me. "Is something wrong, Cagalli?"

"I need to go for a little bit," I said, and I left the table and walked over to the civilians. Out of the corner of my right eye, I saw the guards' eyes following my movements. I had a feeling that if I did the wrong thing, whatever it was, I'd be in a lot of trouble. A lot of trouble. As in "imminent death" trouble.

Kira was wrong. The worst thing that could happen was me being revealed as a Coordinator. How well would these paranoid fanatics take _that_ revelation? Would they kill me? Or try to use me until I had nothing left to give?

At the same time, I had survived one act of altruism so far. Even though it involved piloting a giant robot to survive me letting Tolle and Miriallia take my seat, I had survived it. Why not push my luck again?

I knelt down by the little girl, who was still being ignored by the crowd. "Are you okay?"

She had brown hair trussed up into twin ponytails on the side of her head. She couldn't be older than six or seven. Her teary eyes looked at me. "I-I guess."

"Do you have a mom?"

"My mom's somewhere on this ship. They haven't found her yet," the child said.

"Why?" I asked.

"She volunteered for a tur, a turrat, a-"

"A turret?"

"Yeah. That's what it's called. A missile turret right after the battle. She was inspired to fight by the girl who flew that GUNDAM thing. The girl who-"

She looked at me, and her eyes widened. "You're the girl who's protecting us."

I smiled. "I am. But I don't want to let the guards know, okay? They're kinda creepy-looking."

"I hope they didn't kill my mom," the girl said.

"I know they didn't," I said. "They're on our side. They're not going to hurt your mom, I promise."

"Then why don't you want them to know you've been protecting us?" the girl asked.

I chuckled softly, nervously. "Because I'm a Coordinator, remember?"

"Oh yeah. Coordinators are the bad guys." She paused. "Except you. You're nice."

I sighed. "Thanks."

"What's your name?"

"Cagalli. Yours?"

"Elle."

"I'm not the only nice Coordinator, you know. There's many nice Coordinators."

"I don't get it."

"You'll understand when you get older," I said with a sigh. The concept of "shades of gray" are beyond most little kids' minds at this time. It's not until they're at least nine when they finally understand that good people can be on the enemy's side. Until they get older, they don't quite realize that the "bad guys" aren't always "bad guys".

"That's what my mom always says," Elle said.

"She's telling you the truth. You _will_ understand," I said. "Your mom's job is to help you understand, along with a _lot_ of other things. "

"I thought that was school's job," Elle said innocently.

"School doesn't always explain everything right."

"Like math?"

"Unfortunately, math is one thing school tells you right," I replied.

"Dang."

"I know. I felt the same way."

"Then what is Mom supposed to help me understand?"

I paused. "Not everything's in black and white."

"What's that mean?"

"Not everything's good and evil. 'Black' is often used as an 'evil' color, and 'white' is used as a 'good' color. It's a metaphor."

"What's a metaphor?"

It dawned on me that I was not ready to raise a child. "A saying. An example. Good and evil colors don't apply to people. It's just an example of what's good and what's evil."

"Oh." Elle's face scrunched up in thought. "I don't get it."

"You'll understand when you're older."

"Old people are confusing."

"Yes, they are. Wait, are you calling me old?"

"You sound almost as old as Mom."

I'm turning seventeen in three months."

"You sound old."

"Thanks, Elle."

She did understand sarcasm. She looked down, and I could see she was still hurting. "Sorry."

Now I felt self-conscious. I know my voice is husky, there's no getting around that. I don't smoke or drink, my voice just turned out that way. But I had never been told that my voice sounded "old" before. But I could not bring myself to yell at the kid. She was so young. If I were a couple of years older, she'd be young enough to be my daughter. Why should I yell at her for her saying I sounded old?

I wrapped my arm around her. "It's all right. I'm not angry at you. Just . . . I'm not old, okay?"

"When is someone old?"

"That's for you to decide."

"Well, I think you're old."

I sighed. "Thanks again, Elle."

This time she smiled. I could not hate that smile. It was too cute.

"Are you going to keep protecting us?" she asked all of a sudden.

"Yeah. As long as we're stuck on this ship I'll keep protecting us. I'll protect everyone. It's what I have to do. I have friends onboard, and I promised the military people I would."

"Are you going to get killed?"

"I won't."

"Promise?"

"Of course I promise." I knew I was gambling here, but Elle needed reassurance. Doesn't every small child? It didn't help she seemed to be the only child onboard in the crowd of adults. Didn't anybody have children anymore? Or did they send the children to their own escape pods? Or, more worryingly, did they take seats and leave their children to fend for themselves?

It was paranoia motivating me, but all of a sudden I wanted to protect this girl.

Suddenly, three more people were shoved inside, one of them was a woman. Melanie immediately stood up. "Mommy!"

"Elle!" The woman ran over, and I quietly stepped aside to let them have their reunion.

I put my hands in my uniform pockets and prepared to walk away when I heard Ellie say "Of course I'm okay! Cagalli kept me company!"

"Cagalli?" the woman asked. I turned around, and I saw her. She was a pretty young woman, her hair much longer than Elle's, and she struck me as a schoolteacher-type. Very conservative and kind-looking.

Her eyes widened. "You're the . . ." She bit her lip as she knew better than to say it out loud. "Thank you."

"No problem," I said. "She's a good girl. I think I might've confused her about a few things, though."

"It's all right," she said. "It's the thought that counts."

Before she could continue, someone else entered the room. I saw all of the decorations and medals across his chest, and I realized he was a higher-up in the Earth Alliance. Someone very important.

I carefully walked over to the table where my friends and Flay were waiting. I could see his eyes scanning the room, and I made sure to make myself invisible by sitting by Miriallia. I was in the back of the room, hidden by many people, so hopefully he wouldn't notice me.

He announced himself. His voice was harsh, deep. Very commanding and intimidating, but also a little smarmy. I could tell something was wrong already with the guy, and that none of us could trust him. "I am Rear-Admiral Garcia, Commandant of the Eurasian Federation Artemis Base. I would like to reassure you all of this base's security. The umbrella shield is impenetrable from enemy attack. You all will be safe here."

Garcia paused. "I have spoken to your commanding officers. They are safe. However, I have noticed an important personnel member is missing. Strike's pilot. I'd like to take a look at the Strike GUNDAM and I need the pilot _and_ the mechanic to do it."

My heart began to pound against my chest. _Please don't notice me, please don't notice me,_ I kept thinking.

One of the hangar bay crew, Murdoch, walked over by us. I could tell he was going to make sure I didn't reveal myself. The look in his eyes suggested that revealing myself would be a very bad idea.

Garcia scanned the room. Then he finally approached the chief petty officer, the helmsman, whose name was Arnold Neumann. "Well? Who's the Strike Pilot, chief petty officer?"

"Mu La Flaga is the pilot of the Strike GUNDAM, sir," Neumann said. His dark eyes did not waver and his voice was controlled. The man was a good liar.

Garcia didn't buy it. "Video footage shows the Moebius Zero in combat, Chief Petty Officer. The Zero's movements are something only the Hawk of Endymion himself is capable of. So that means the Strike's pilot is_not_ him, and the pilot is in this room hiding among the noncommissioned and civilians."

"Then you have no business here," Neumann said. "We're supposed to be allies here. We are all noncommissioned, civilians, and volunteers here."

"I have no interest in obstructionism." Garcia shoved him out of the way. "Well? Stand up, Strike pilot? Where are you?"

I actually began to shake, and Tolle reached under the table to hold my hands. I looked at him, and he nodded solemnly. I relaxed, and tried to breathe. It was hard for me not to panic in this situation, when I could be outed at any moment by any person here.

Clearly, something was wrong.

Suddenly, Garcia got an evil grin, and walked right up to our table. "Well, since the captain's a woman, maybe the pilot is a woman too! Who says feminism is dead?"

And he grabbed Miriallia and pulled her to her feet. Murdoch grabbed my shoulder but I shook him off.

Garcia leered at Miriallia. "Well? Are you the-"

I punched him in the face.

The room fell silent as Garcia laid on the floor, his right hand holding his cheek. He spat, and I took satisfaction in seeing a couple of teeth come out with some blood. I had hit him with every amount of strength I had, hard enough that the knuckles in my left hand were stinging. Punching bone did that.

Miriallia just stared at me in shock. I said "No one touches my best friend. That's final."

Garcia pointed at me. "Rough her up. I don't tolerate insolence."

Two guards approached me. One of them smiled maliciously. "I don't like hitting girls, but I'll make an exception. You're almost a man anyway."

"Well, I like hitting girls," I said. "How about we make this more fun for me? Let's both be girls."

I think you know where I kicked him.

The next guard just gawked at me before I threw him to the floor. I calmly disarmed him, but before I could so much as aim the weapon I heard a pistol's hammer being cocked, and I heard Garcia.

"That's it. You've made a fool out of us long enough. You so much as make a _movement_ I don't like, this is going through your head. Now drop the gun."

I did.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"A Coordinator," Flay said. "She's a Coordinator."

Every Artemis soldier in the room gasped, and I could feel my face turn red as I spun towards her. "You stupid bitch-"

Before I could move, Garcia grabbed my shoulder. I almost hit him again, but more guards were by him, and all of them were aiming their guns at me. I stood no chance in hell.

"A Coordinator? What's a Coordinator doing here on the _Archangel_? If it weren't for you manhandling my soldiers I almost wouldn't believe it."

"What do you want?" I asked.

Garcia chuckled. "I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot. Are you Strike's pilot, girl?"

"Yes. My name is Cagalli Yamato."

"Huh. You don't look like a 'Yamato' to me. You don't look Asian enough."

I very nearly punched him again, my immedate death be damned. Instead, I swallowed my aggression and said, through clenched teeth, "I was adopted."

"Oh. _Now_ it makes sense. Turn around," Garcia said.

I did. Garcia nodded as he looked at me up and down. "A Coordinator who's betrayed her own kind. You don't see that every day. You are quite the unique catch, Cagalli Yamato."

"I believe the PLANTs are ruled by a military dictatorship, or close enough," I said. "I have no interest in fighting for a military-ruled government."

Garcia laughed. "_Everyone_ is ruled by a military government these days."

"And like I said, I have no interest in fighting for a military government," I replied.

"But you do fight for it. You're flying the Strike."

"I am fighting for my friends and all of the civilians onboard," I said.

"How noble." Garcia took his pistol and shot Tolle in the shoulder.

Tolle screamed, and I spun to see blood erupting from his wound. "Tolle!"

"That's for embarrassing me and my soldiers," Garcia said. "A worse fate will happen to you if you disobey my instructions. Have I made myself clear?"

It took every bit of self-control I had not to deck Garcia and try to kill him at the cost of my own life. Tolle meant the world to me. After so many years of being called a boy, a man, a tomboy, a spitfire, and a dike, having an actual _boy_ take interest in me was heartening. Tolle had a reputation for liking tomboys but I didn't care. With Tolle, I felt like I could be myself. I could be proud of myself and who I was. I was Cagalli Yamato and happy to be Cagalli Yamato.

When I looked at Garcia, I wanted to kill him. I thought of ten ways to break his neck, or, hell, rip his bulldog-like face off. I wanted to set him on fire, to drown him, to throw him into the vacuum of outer space. As sudden hot tears blurred my vision, my wish for him to die seemed to be coming true because he seemed to be dissolving before my eyes. But as I blinked, the illusion of him melting into nothingness faded, and there he was, as cocky and confident as ever.

Reason fought its way into my head before I did to him what I did to Miguel. What would I get from punching Garcia a few more times before I was gunned down? What would happen to everyone else? I couldn't think about myself only. I had the responsibility of everyone onboard this ship.

And if they knew Tolle was my biggest weak point instead of just being _a_ weak point . . .

Everything would just get worse. Not just for him, but for me. I couldn't accept that.

"Yes," I said, making sure that Garcia heard the trembling, boiling anger in my voice. I wanted him to know how hurt and angry I was, and at a moment's notice I would bring my wrath upon him.

But it seemed to have the opposite effect of what I wanted. He seemed to relish how angry and pained I was over Tolle being shot. He was on a power trip. He thought he had me under his heel and he could crush me like an insect. He seemed to think he was every bit of indestructible as his base, his missing teeth nonwithstanding. "Good. Now, I need you to take at the Strike's O.S. for me. My technicians can't quite figure it out. Maybe you can."

I thought about looking for Kira for help, but the Rear-Admiral hadn't noticed him yet, and Kira left the impression of making himself scarce in this room. My eyes couldn't find him anywhere. Whether he was hiding or was strategically placing himself behind taller people I couldn't be sure, but I just plain could not find him. I gave up after a few glances, if I looked at the civilians for too long Garcia would get suspicious, and then he would find Kira.

And things would just get from bad to worse.

"Sure," I said.

Garcia's dark smile got even wider. "Excellent. We will have quite the mutually beneficial relationship, Cagalli Yamato."

_I'm sure we will. Only the 'mutually beneficial' part applies to you._

But I reluctantly walked out of the cafeteria, leaving Tolle, Miriallia, and everyone else behind . . . at the mercy of someone willing to shoot my friends.

What was going to happen to me?

I couldn't help but feel that I wasn't going to like it.


	9. Stupefy

FraserMage: It actually kinda plays out like that. XD Thank you for your reply and I hope you continue to enjoy the story!

fate-star: Yeah, it's getting interesting . . . hope it stays that way. XD

littlemssstrawberry: If you have any familiarity with Gundam SEED canon, you should be aware of Garcia's inevitable fate. XD

Jodeist: You know that Tolle was Kira's best friend in canon, and this is me playing with the concept by placing Cagalli in the situation. It's inevitable that romantic feelings would appear. Cagalli's not being a slut, she just moved on from Athrun as she adjusted to her new surroundings, the same way Kira did in canon before stuff started exploding.

animefan29: I'm really glad you've paid so much attention to the story. I've replied to you in private due to some sensitive stuff I told you, but chapter 8 I can reply in public. I'm glad I got Garcia down pretty well, I've been worried that I made him too jerk-ish and too womanizing, but that's something I keep seeing in him in canon.

The little girl is the little girl Kira spoke with a couple of times in canon. Take that for what you will.

I hope you continue to enjoy the story! Here's the next installment, which concludes Artemis. **Chapter Nine: Stupefy**

* * *

It wasn't very long until I saw the Strike. Garcia smiled knowingly as he looked up at it. "It's a magnificent machine. You should feel honored to use it."

"I killed three people using that thing," I replied. "I'm not proud of it at all."

"You were proud of knocking two of my teeth out," he said pointedly. "I saw the smug look on your face. You like being dominant. You like resorting to violence. You make high-minded speeches about not fighting for military governments and putting up a pacifistic exterior. The truth is, you are a natural soldier. A little more battle-hardening and you'd be damn close to perfect."

"Am I supposed to be proud of that analysis?" I asked him.

Garcia smiled knowingly, though he didn't show any teeth. "You have no idea how valuable you are, Ms. Yamato. You are a Coordinator who has sided with the Earth Alliance. The Eurasian Federation will set you up for life if you fly this machine for the EF. I even guarantee it."

"I'm not interested," I said.

"Is that about that boy I shot?" he asked.

My lips trembled as I bit back the venomous words I wanted to scream. My body trembled as I forced myself not to move against him. I was making it obvious it _was_ about Tolle, but I knew I couldn't fight Garcia. Not with all of these men with guns on me.

Knowing how obvious I had made my feelings, I said "I really wish we were alone, Commandant. Then I'd show you how much it is about 'that boy you shot'."

Garcia just chuckled. "You _are_ a spitfire, aren't you? That's all right. A little aggression is excellent in young pilots." He was not taking me seriously at all. He felt invincible with his gun-toting men surrounding him, the same way everyone in Artemis felt they were safe because of the umbrella shield.

I thought about Kira's lock code, hidden inside a uniform pocket. I could not even indicate that I had something like that. The moment I unlocked the O.S. they would no longer need me, despite what Garcia was saying. No one was going to trust a Coordinator, just because Coordinators were the enemy.

"I don't plan on being a pilot," I said.

Garcia just gave me a look. "Of course not. You can be a military contractor."

"I don't want to be that either."

"You can design dozens of these operating systems. Or these Mobile Suits. You could jump-start your own factory in the Eurasian Federation. Become a subsidy of Adukov."

"I told you, I have no interest in any of that. I'm just trying to get back home to Orb," I said.

Garcia sighed. "Fine. You have plenty of time to change your mind, _after_ you unlock the O.S. Get to it, and after I pay the base dentist a visit, I'll put your . . . _transgression_ behind me."

"Uh huh." I paused, and then an evil thought came to my mind. I decided to screw with Garcia's head one more time before I went up to the cockpit. I had to use stalling tactics anyway, and this would work as one.

"How safe do you think Artemis is?"

"Quite safe, with the umbrella shield."

"Is the shield always on?"

"It automatically switches off when all enemy ships is beyond a certain point, to conserve power."

"Oh, so it switches off."

Garcia leered at me. "What are you telling me, civilian?"

"Too bad it can't stay on forever. Then this place would truly be impregnable. But it can switch off. Any long-range weapon or a stealth craft could cause an incalculable amount of damage in a short time while the shield is on."

Garcia stared.

I smiled ever so innocently. "I have a feeling that the only reason ZAFT hasn't already tried to wipe you guys out is because this base has never been strategically important. I mean, what harm is there in letting a tiny out-of-the-way base persist if it is a purely defensive weapon? But guess what? This base _has_ become strategically important. And ZAFT _will_ attack, by either waiting until there is no power remaining for the shield, or while you guys have relaxed your defenses. And considering what they did to my colony with a handful of soldiers, they _will_ kick your ass."

Garcia looked like he wanted to throttle me, but he held back. He knew what I had done to him already.

I waved at him nonchalantly. "Pleasant dreams tonight, Commandant."

He just turned around, mouthing my words to himself sarcastically. He loved me, I could tell.

I was out of stalling tactics, though, so all I could do was climb up to the GUNDAM and climb inside the cockpit and pretend to be busy. They quickly posted a guard by the cockpit, and when I tried to close the hatch, the guard pointed his gun at me. "Bad idea, princess."

"I'm not a princess."

"You get the point!"

I sighed. "Yeah, I guess so."

I pretended to forget my unlock code, and so ran a scanner to pick up the numbers and letters. As the unlocking scanner would take hours, if not entire days, to capture every digit, I had bought myself at least some time to come up with a plan. I could tell by Garcia's face, though, that I was really pushing my luck. A couple of hours of being "insolent", as he and others have called me, and he would come up here and find out what I was up to.

And eventually, they would search me and discover the unlock code. And no amount of pretending to be stupid would save me.

Not only that, but the writing wasn't mine. It was Kira's. All they needed was to make me write something by hand and they'd discover that someone else had written the code down. And then they'd search for Kira, and, most likely, find him.

How bad could things get if Kira, a prince of Orb, was found hiding onboard this ship? It was already a lucky break that someone hadn't either outed him or recognized him.

What I needed was a distraction. I needed something to get their attention off of me and onto something else. But there was no way for me to create a distraction. If I tried to knock the guard away and close the cockpit, there was a strong chance I could get shot. And who knew what would happen to everyone else on the _Archangel_? I had limited power, and limited weaponry. I'd be handing everyone over to ZAFT on a platter.

I had counted on Garcia leaving to check up on the umbrella shield. Despite being rattled by my words, he wasn't budging from this spot. I needed him to leave so everyone would settle down and fall into complacency. But, again, what could I do? If I rose up, I'd have nowhere to go but ZAFT and everyone here would be screwed over.

That was when what seemed to be an earthquake rattled the entire base around us, sending stuff crashing to the ground and leaving everyone struggling to stay on their feet.

The guard spun around to look at what everyone was doing. I nearly kicked him out of the way right then and there, but I needed to be sure. I realized that if this was an enemy attack I'd have my opportunity to get out of this mess.

I had never been so eager to go to war in my life.

I could hear Garcia. "This is the Commandant! What the hell's going on? I demand to know the cause of these tremors!"

I couldn't hear the reply, but Garcia shouted "Obviously this is a long-range bombardment! Turn the shield on!"

The explosions just seemed to get worse. I realized this had to be the GUNDAM Blitz. The one who had turned invisible in my fight. Single-handedly he was exposing Artemis' true weakness: an inability to defend against an infiltrator with stealth technology.

When Garcia bellowed "What do you mean the shield's destroyed?" I knew I had my only chance. I had my excuse to deny him the Strike, to deny him the intricate knowledge of this brand new Mobile Suit.

To deny him any sort of reward for shooting Tolle.

I kicked the guard out of the way and immediately slammed the cockpit shut. I now had a limited supply of air, which meant I had to clear the way for the _Archangel_ quickly before I died of asphyxiation. I yanked out Kira's sheet of paper, stopped the scanner-unlocking, and yanked out the keyboard and imputed Kira's unlock code.

He was right, it needed to be more complicated. The scanner had already discovered twenty of the fifty digits.

The guard was pounding on my door, but it was too late. I turned the Strike on and manually ordered the Sword Pack to attach to the Strike.

I marched on, secretly hoping I'd trample Garcia, but no such luck, he was bellowing within seconds through some kind of intercom. _"What the hell do you think you're doing?"_

I turned on the Strike's loudspeaker. "We are under enemy attack! I don't have time for this crap!"

I activated the Phase Shift and launched the Strike out of the _Archangel_ and into the port. I needed to find whatever enemy existed, whether it was Blitz, the Duel, Buster, or even Athrun, and get them out of the way.

As I flew off, I knew Garcia had to be shouting the order to stop me, unless he was smart enough to realize that the Strike was his only chance of saving Artemis. I saw Mobile Armors taking off all over the port, but they hardly made it more than a few feet before they were blasted out of existence by rifle shots.

I turned, and there was Blitz.

_Oh, great._

And just like that, I was being hailed. They were never going to stop until they recruited me.

I answered. I saw a young man with innocent brown eyes and green hair. His eyes widened. _"So you're Athrun's girlfriend."_

"I'm not his girlfriend. I was his best friend years ago, but never his girlfriend," I replied. "Who're you?"

_"I am Nicol Amalfi. Athrun asked me to try to bring you around again. He cares for you quite deeply, Cagalli. More than his supposed fiance, I think."_

"He has a _fiance_ now?" I asked.

_"It's an arranged marriage purely for political reasons. Athrun's not happy about it and I doubt the bride's thrilled about it either. But that's not the point. The point is that Athrun is not here, so I'm to try to convince you to join us in his place." _

"What's Athrun doing?"

Nicol gave me a slight, knowing smile._ "Classified." _

"Uh huh." I brandished the sword. The more I talked to this guy, the more likely I was going to run out of air before I could get out of this base and land on the _Archangel_.

"I'm sorry, but I have friends onboard this ship, and fellow citizens of Orb. I must protect them."

Nicol nodded. _"Fair enough. I'll let you and the _Archangel_ go for now. Athrun's a friend of mine, and I don't want to betray his friendship by killing you if I can help it. Yzak and Dearka don't feel the same way, though. They are on the way and should be here in a few minutes. If you encounter them, you will not be receiving any mercy."_

"And what will you be doing?" I asked.

Nicol sighed. _"I'm going to destroy Artemis. And if you interfere in that I will have no choice but to fight you."_

I just laughed, which stunned Nicol Amalfi. _"Why are you laughing?"_

"Blow it all to hell," I said. "The commandant shot someone very dear to me. I'd like him to suffer in hell for a few decades before I join him."

Nicol blinked, and then sighed. _"I understand. What Athrun sees in you I'll never know, but I am grateful that you are not in the Earth Alliance's pocket as much as Yzak and Dearka think."_

And then he was gone.

Behind me, the _Archangel_ was launching. I heard Arnold Neumann's voice. _"Cagalli, we've re-captured the ship, and we have everyone on-board. Clear the way out for us."_

"Including Lieutenant Ramius?"

_"She just got on board. Same with Lieutenant La Flaga and Ensign Badgiruel,"_ Neumann said. _"The base is falling apart. We have no time to waste."_

"You got it." I started flying away when I heard Garcia's voice.

_"This is Commandant Gerard Garcia. Stop the _Archangel _and Strike GUNDAM immediately! They are traitors for fleeing during our-AAAAAAAGH!_"

A small smile crept across my face. Nicol had certainly blown Garcia to hell for me. But as I looked at my reflection on the display, I saw how demented I looked. I was taking joy in someone getting killed, and I was terrified of the result. I was in control of a sixty-ton behemoth armed to the teeth with horrible, powerful weapons, and I was beginning to go crazy. Wonderful combination.

I stared at myself as the crazed grin vanished, and my eyes widened with horror. I _was_ going crazy. I was filled with bloodlust, I wanted everyone in Artemis to die just because of one gunshot. Was that really all it took to make me battle-hungry warrior, a vengeful valkyrie seeking souls to send to hell or heaven or Valhalla or wherever people go when they die?

I rubbed my forehead and forced myself to snap back to reality. My revenge quest was over. The base was clearly about to blow. And I had to get the _Archangel_ out of here before that happened.

But then I heard a pilot screaming on the intercom., and it made me realize that the _Archangel_ wasn't my only responsibility. _"Someone help me! There's other GUNDAMs here! Please help me!"_

I commed the _Archangel_. "I'm going back inside. I'm going to try to get any remaining Mobile Armors out of Artemis. I think La Flaga and I are going to need backup."

Murrue Ramius had taken control of the bridge, it was her voice that spoke. _"You sure about this? You're not wearing a pilot suit."_

"I'll only be a minute." I powered up the Strike and launched back inside the port, where I saw six Mobile Armors desperately blasting away against the _Duel_.

Make that _five_, one exploded as the Duel cleaved one in two with its sword.

It had a quick replacement arm, reminiscent of a GINN. They hadn't managed to build a reasonable facsimile of the original left arm yet. I found this darkly amusing for some reason.

I charged and the Duel was barely able to block me in time before I would've sliced the Duel in two.

I got on a public channel. "All remaining Mobile Armors, this is the Strike. Artemis is lost. Fall back to the _Archangel_. I'll buy you some time!"

I slashed at the Duel, trying to distract him while the Mobile Armors fled. The Duel did not hail me, instead, he tried to strike back, but I refused to let myself be defeated by him.

Explosion rocked the base as the Duel and I continued battling at the edge of the port. I saw more Mobile Armors attempting to leave but various explosions blew them out of existence. The whole port was beginning to implode.

It looked like only the five I had personally rescued were going to get out of here. That, and real fact that my air wasn't going to hold out for much longer, made me rush my movements as I battled the Duel. I could've killed the Duel, and the pilot inside, "Yzak", if I had been focused and not as panicky about my air supply.

But I could not focus. In the back of my head, I kept thinking about my lack of air. I kept thinking about how the port was steadily exploding left and right. I missed multiple chances at stabbing the Duel in some kind of weak point, like the torso or the head, and ending the battle.

I heard Murrue. _"Cagalli, the Buster is outside and is attacking us. We need assistance. Get out of there!"_

I was only too glad to oblige.

"Got it, ma'am!" I kicked the Duel deeper into the port, as explosions wrecked both docking sides. I spun the Strike around and flew full blast out of the port, and there I saw Buster, harassing the _Archangel_ and the five Mobile Armors I had rescued.

Make that four, Buster's rifle fired and practically vaporized it in a single shot.

I charged forward, screaming. I slammed into Buster and knocked it out of control. It spiraled away somewhere into space, and I took the satisfaction that "Dearka" and "Yzak", who both apparently hated me, had been humiliated by me. I hadn't killed either of them, but humiliation would do for now.

I heard Murrue again. _"Cagalli, the battle's over. We have to go full speed if we have any chance of losing the enemy."_

Translation: get back inside the launch bay.

I realized I couldn't breathe again. I had used up all of my limited air. In panic, I accelerated the Strike right into the launch bay and sent the Mobile Suit crashing at the bottom of the bay.

I grabbed my throat. No air. Still no air. I gagged and wheezed and struggled to breathe. I was dying. I was going to die in this cockpit.

In my panic, I opened the cockpit. Thankfully, it was right that moment when they pressurized the launch bay. If I had opened it one second sooner I would have still had to deal with an airless vacuum, one that could've killed me or had done some serious mental damage.

I spent the next several minutes gulping down air. My head felt like it was going to explode, and my throat screamed for water, but I didn't care. Despite the place smelling vaguely like a greasy hi-tech garage it seemed like the sweetest, purest air I had ever breathed in my life. And I reveled in my regained ability to breathe and smell and taste this vaguely putrid air.

Murdoch was right there. He ran over and patted me on the back. "You okay?"

"I . . . just need . . . some air," I said. I tried to smile, but it was so clearly pathetic that Murdoch averted his gaze.

"You did great. You saved the lives of four Eurasian Federation pilots. We have half a squadron onboard the _Archangel_ now thanks to you," Murdoch said.

"Wonderful," I gasped.

He laughed and patted me on the back again. "Though next time remember to bring your pilot suit. I think everyone's had enough of these scares."

"I've . . . had enough of these scares too." I was suddenly aware I was floating upside down, and a great pressure filled my head and my stomach.

_Not here. Not after I just started breathing. Not here. Please not here._

But then I remembered something that almost made me forget I was about to throw up all over Murdoch. "Tolle."

Murdoch scrunched his face in confusion. "Tolle? Oh wait, you mean the kid who got shot?"

"Tolle!" I shoved Murdoch out of the way and floated through the hangar, heading right through the exit.

I held my hand to my mouth, and forced myself to swallow every bit of bile that rose through my mouth. I was not going to be defeated by my spacesickness. Not here. Not now. Not when I needed to know Tolle was okay. I pushed myself down the hall by moving my hand on the railing. I had a vague idea of where sick bay was, and I kept pushing in the bay's general direction.

I was not going to be defeated by my own weakness. Not by my inability to tolerate being weightless. Not after all of the terror I had experienced, the hatred I had felt for the man who shot him, not after everything I had dealt with in the last day and a half or so.

I had to see him, or collapse trying.

As I made it to sick bay, I clutched my stomach, as if that would single-handedly stop the churning acids within. I took a deep breath, and ignored my pounding headache, a side-effect of nearly dying of asphyxiation, lack of fluid, and being weightless all at once.

I opened up the first door. "Tolle?" Empty. I slammed it shut.

I did this three or four more times until I finally found a lit room.

There was Tolle, laying in a bed, and Miriallia sitting beside him.

"Tolle," I whispered softly as I looked at him. He sat up in the bed, looking at me in total surprise. His chest was bare, and on his shoulder was a tightly wrapped white bandage, with red blood visible. His bandage would need to be changed soon.

"Cagalli, you made it," Tolle said in surprise.

I couldn't speak. There were so many things I wanted to say and I couldn't speak a single word. I wanted to tell him about the anger I felt and how I almost went crazy and if he was doing okay and whether he blamed me for what happened to him and how bad the wound was and that I didn't want to fight anymore and . . .

I did the only thing I could think of to express how I felt. I ran forward, hugged him, and began crying.

"Whoa, Cagalli! Watch the shoulder! I . . ." He slowly, softly embraced me. "Cagalli, it's . . . it's okay. Calm down. It's okay."

"I'm sorry," I whispered through my tears. "I'm so sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for. He could've shot any of us," Tolle said. "Don't blame yourself."

I looked him directly in his blue eyes. "He shot you because of what I did to him. I punched him in the face. I was so _stupid_. Tolle, I'm sorry. I . . ." Words failed me yet again, and I couldn't meet his gaze any longer. Guilt was wracking me so thoroughly I couldn't think about anything else besides my failure to save Tolle from getting shot.

"I said, it's all right. Besides, it didn't kill me," Tolle said cheerfully.

"That's not the point," I said.

Instead of replying to me, Tolle looked beyond me. "Uh, Miri, where are you going?"

I turned, and I saw Miriallia at the entrance to the room. She partially turned around towards us, and offered us a sad smile. "I think it's best you two be alone for a while. You guys don't need me making things complicated in here. I'll talk to you both later."

"Wait, Miri-" I stopped talking once Miriallia shut the door on the both of us.

Tolle sighed. "I guess . . . I guess she isn't taking stuff very well right now."

"I don't think any of us are," I said.

"True," Tolle said. He rubbed my shoulder. "But we're all strong. Especially you, Cagalli. Seriously, are you okay?"

I rubbed my eyes, and no fresh tears replaced the old ones. "Better."

Tolle smiled. "That's good. What happened there . . . is just randomness, nothing more. Don't worry about it. It's not that big of a deal."

"You getting shot _is_ a big deal," I said.

"It just hurts, unlike someone getting shot in a film," Tolle said. "I'll live. I just want to make sure you're still gonna live. You're doing something incredibly dangerous, Cagalli. I don't want to lose you because you're inexperienced in this Mobile Suit, the Strike."

I looked at him, and tried so hard to smile reassuringly. "I'm not going to die, Tolle. I already promised a little girl that. I can't break a promise to a young girl."

Tolle laughed. "Well, neither can I. I don't think either of us can."

"What's your promise?" I asked.

Tolle gave me a knowing grin. "Not telling."

I sighed. "Right."

We just held each other for a long time, until I finally dozed off from sheer exhaustion. But, for the first time all day, I felt marginally safe, like I was among friends.

I wished the war was over. But the moment I woke up, I realized something.

I was never going to stop fighting.


	10. Fallen Angels

fate-star: Miri's in a bit of a spot right now, a spot that wasn't there when it was Kira. This is one of the hopefully more interesting aspects of the story. Miri is trying her best to be friendly but she doesn't like that Tolle's attention is elsewhere. And you honestly can't blame her.

animefan29: Wow . . . so detailed. _ Thank you for taking so much of your time!

Anyway, I haven't read Astray meaningfully and wasn't even aware there was an Astray X. XD Thank you for all the background information on Garcia, it makes a lot of his actions and behaviors make a lot more sense now. And yeah, Artemis' fleet got blown up in a heartbeat just like it did in canon, because the crews got lax and they didn't make it to their posts in time to make a difference. I felt it was too unrealistic for there to be a 100% casualty rate like in the canon so I allowed twenty-four survivors, pretty damn close to a 100% casualty rate but it stops just short.

Thank you for your comments on Nicol. It's so hard to give any of the ZAFT pilots screentime because of the story format but at least Nicol sounds good, right? And I thought I had gotten the umbrella shield details right, though I had forgotten the name. ^^;

Jodeist: Cagalli doesn't have much good sense, she ran out of air again by doing what she did. XD She has her own flaws in combat, just different ones than Kira. Those flaws will show themselves soon.

littlemsstrawberry: Chapters 8 and 9 are the equilvalent to Phase 6 in Gundam SEED canon. Chapter 10 is equilvalent to Phase 7. And here's an update, on Monday just like usual. XD

* * *

**Chapter Ten: Fallen Angels**

Garcia came to me in the night, in a world of pitch-black.

He smiled, but his teeth were missing. He spoke perfectly, as if he had all of its teeth anyway. "You had great fun at my expense, didn't you?"

The world was becoming hot. I tried to speak, but I discovered I had no voice.

"Well," he said, ever so nonchalantly, "Let me show you your reward for such fun. Such crazed, gleeful fun, taking joy in letting your allies, your comrades, getting murdered by a single ZAFT soldier. This is what waits for you when you die, Cagalli Yamato. This is what you will suffer the moment you are killed. You get to suffer it every day, every hour, with me. You got your five minutes of fun tormenting me in life, well, I get five lifetimes of tormenting you after life. What do you think? Fair trade? How about we find out?"

I tried to reach for him, but then I fell. He stayed above me, floating in mid-air, just laughing at me as I fell.

Suddenly, I was wreathed by flames.

I was on fire. My body disintergrated all around me.

It was then I found my voice. And I screamed.

* * *

I woke up to find my hand trying to strangle Miriallia.

"It's a nightmare, Cagalli! Stop it! You're okay!"

As I stared into her frightened blue eyes, her hands frantically trying to rip my right hand away from her, I realized that I had not fallen into hell, a volcano, or whatever afterlife horror I had dreamt of.

My right hand rubbed my pounding head, and I struggled to breathe. My body was absolutely covered in sweat, and my headache had remained, surging throughout my head with a vengeance.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, wondering if Miriallia had already run out of the room in a panic. But she was still here, and still close to the bed, albeit highly nervous, as if I would lash out at her like a snake. She finally visibly relaxed her hands and yanked out a nearby chair and sat in it, still trembling, but reassured I wasn't going to kill her.

"What happened?" she finally asked.

"Garcia," I said.

"Him?" Miriallia asked, surprised.

"He tried to pull me into hell. He wanted me to suffer in hell for what I had done to him, because I . . . I didn't protect Artemis." I admit that I was sugarcoating things, but how could I explain to Miriallia that I had let Nicol go on and destroy the base?

But Miriallia knew what I was saying anyway. "You're talking about letting the Blitz go scot-free."

I stared at her, then I looked away. "I . . . I hated Garcia so much for what he did to Tolle. I wanted him to die. I wanted him to suffer."

"If it means anything, I would've done the same thing. It doesn't make it right, but I understand," Miriallia said finally. "Probably a good number of people on-board would agree with you there. Garcia treated us all like caged animals to restrain."

"But like you said, it wasn't right. I should've fought the Blitz. Maybe more than four Mobile Armors would've escaped if I had."

"Or maybe none would've," Miriallia said. "You would've been so busy fighting the Blitz that you wouldn't have been able to protect them from the Duel and Buster."

"Yeah, sure," I said, skeptical.

Miriallia shrugged. "There's no point in second-guessing at this point. You did what you did. You kept us alive, we have twenty Artemis personnel still on-board, not including the four pilots you saved."

She sighed. "We've got quite a crew now. Fifty-something Orb civilians, a skeleton Atlantic Federation crew, and now twenty-four people from Artemis. And none of us completely trust each other."

"I thought there had been more people from Artemis on-board," I said.

"Apparently a lot of people decided to take their chances on Artemis' transports than risk our wrath when we took the ship back," Miriallia said.

I stared at her again. "You guys took the ship back by force?"

"Yeah," Miriallia said. "Neumann and Murdoch led the charge and we quickly took it back. About half of the Artemis personnel we have are locked up in the brig, they were guards taken prisoner. The others are the pilots you saved and people who opted to voluntarily surrender to us instead of trying to make it to an Artemis transport . . . and none of those made it out of the base."

I chuckled softly. This was darkly hilarious. What a ship. What a crew. We were nothing more than a bunch of glorified refugees just trying to find safety, and we could never find it. And all we did was wind up picking up _more_ refugees, refugees that couldn't be trusted because they had locked everyone up. Not to mention had a clear language barrier.

I looked at Miriallia. "Did we at least get some new supplies?"

Miriallia shook her head. "Garcia didn't resupply us. He didn't think there was a point, considering ZAFT was besieging us. The _Archangel_ wouldn't be able to leave without getting into a fight. At least that's what Lieutenant Ramius said when I asked."

"So we have more mouths to feed on the same crappy amount of supplies we had," I said.

Miriallia smiled sardonically. "Yeah, pretty much. Now, if you're not going to choke anybody else, it's time you got up."

"Ha ha ha," I said.

"I'm serious. Don't do that again. I don't want to think my best friend is going crazy," Miriallia said.

I nodded solemnly. "I understand."

* * *

We floated down the hallway when I noticed something odd at the windows. "Hey, Miri, look outside."

"What?" She squints as she looks. "Oh."

There were debris everywhere by our window, just casually floating on by. A lot of debris. For a second, I thought that we had wound up flying back into Heliopolis, but then I realized that this was far too random to be Heliopolis' remnants. This was something else. A ruin of a non-Orb nature. A ruin that's been around for a long time.

"We gotta be in the debris belt," I finally said.

"I heard the captain say we might try to hide in it so the _Gamow_ doesn't catch us."

"The _Gamow_?"

"That's the name of the ship that deployed near Artemis. It's not the ship Le Creuset is based on. I guess they brought in reinforcements to keep an eye on us."

I thought about Athrun, who hadn't participated in the Artemis battle at all. I wondered where he had been the whole battle, and why he hadn't participated. Did it have anything to do with his "fiance", as that Nicol guy had said?

Who was Athrun becoming engaged to? Which political dynasty did Athrun's father need to consolidate support?

I suddenly remembered the Supreme Chairman was Siegel Clyne, Lacus Clyne's father.

I felt disgusted. What if Athrun's fiance was none other than that pop princess _bimbo_ who sang about hope and kittens and pretty things while the real world was full of carnage? He had to marry _that_ girl? I wasn't sure whether to despise him or pity him, especially as Nicol strongly implied it was against Athrun's will.

I wondered why I cared who Athrun was engaged to. Didn't I have a boyfriend already? I had moved on, didn't I? So why did it feel like I hadn't?

I looked at Miriallia. "These are ZAFT special forces. Three Mobile Suits and one cruiser wiped out a supposedly impregnable base with hardly any casualties. Does the captain seriously think we can hide from them in a bunch of debris?"

Miriallia shrugged. "What do you expect her to do, Cagalli?"

"I don't know. It's just . . . I don't think we're going to be able to hide from them for very long, if at all."

"You're probably right. We're running low on supplies. I've heard we're gonna start rationing water today. Even if we manage to hide from the _Gamow_ we're not going to hold together without supplies." She shook her head and sighed. "Anyway, I'm gonna head for the bridge. I don't know what you're doing, so . . ."

"Yeah, I know. I figured I'd go see how the Strike's maintenance is coming along. I've been letting Prince Kira do most of the work, which isn't fair. I'm the one flying the thing, I should be trying to do it myself."

Miriallia chuckled knowingly. "The prince is working for _you_?"

I wasn't amused. "Yes, I am."

Miriallia sighed. "Lighten up, Cagalli."

"I will once we're back in Orb," I said.

Miriallia just started floating away. "You keep brooding about this, Cagalli, you're not going to like your life. That's the honest truth."

"I'm not going to cut myself or something, Miri."

"The last thing Tolle needs is you getting all depressed and pitying yourself. I don't want you to be a weight on his shoulders."

"I thought this was about _me_, not Tolle."

Miriallia just sighed and floated down the hallway, and, frustrated and filled with pent-up energy I couldn't channel anywhere, I just stared out the window, and punched the wall next to it. Naturally, the blowback made me float away from the window and it took a lot of effort to get my hands back on the railing.

Stupid weightlessness. Even while taking three pills, the sensation of floating in unnatural positions was still making me feel slightly sick to my stomach. How many pills did I have to take? Was this going to become an addiction?

And now Miriallia was acting all strange. I was confiding in her and she wasn't trying to make me feel better. Talking with her just made me feel worse. What had I done to set Miriallia off? Did this, in the end, all have to do with Tolle? I knew she and Tolle had been getting close before I walked into their lives.

Was Miriallia jealous of me? The more I thought about it, the more obvious it seemed.

Did she hate me? That was something I wasn't willing to consider yet. Miriallia had been with me just as long as Tolle. If she hated me, she would've made it obvious long before now. I didn't want to believe that someone I counted on, my own roommate onboard this ship, hated me. I just couldn't consider it. If she did hate me, I was far lonelier than I thought.

I hoped it was just jealousy, or stress, or something else. Not hatred. Anything but hatred.

I was about to head for the bridge when I heard familiar adult voice. "Cagalli? Is that you, Cagalli?"

I turned to my left and I saw the woman with her daughter, Elle. I put on a calm smile. "Hi there, uh . . ."

"Oh yeah, I didn't give my name. My name is Dorothy Eliarez. You've already met Elle."

Elle nodded, and she smiled at me.

"Nice to meet you," I said. "My full name is Cagalli Yamato."

Dorothy smiled. "Can I make a request?"

"Yeah, sure."

"I'm going in for gun turret training this morning. Can you watch Elle for a while?"

"You mean babysit."

"I'm not a baby," Elle grumbled.

Dorothy chuckled awkwardly. "Elle doesn't like that word, babysit."

I smiled. "Well, now I know. How long do you think you'll be?"

"Uh, three or four hours. I don't know for sure. It depends on long it takes for me to know what I'm doing."

"Okay." I looked down at Elle, who was busy trying to float upside down. The unnatural sight nearly made me sick, but I shook it off. Last thing either Eliarez wanted to see was my stomach contents.

I turned my attention to the elder Eliarez, and tried to pretend I hadn't just seen Elle floating around. "Yeah, sure, I'll watch her. I can put off servicing the Strike for just a while longer."

Dorothy smiled. "Thank you very much, Cagalli. I'll try not to take too long. You're an angel."

"Uh, thanks," I said, as I felt my face heat up.

Dorothy floated away, and there was Elle, her feet on the glass window. "Hey, Cagalli! Look at me!"

I know a little girl's feet isn't enough to break the glass, but seeing her do that gave me what felt like a mild heart attack. "Elle, not a good idea. Come down from there, please."

"Aww."

I pulled Elle away from the glass. "I'm serious. Last thing we need is to be pulled out into space."

"Oh yeah. That would be bad."

"_Really_ bad. Your mom would kill me."

"Wouldn't we already be dead?"

I sighed. "Yeah."

"Then how would Mom kill you?"

I decided to change the subject matter right then. "Come on, let's just go."

We floated down the hallway, towards whatever I could come up with to keep Melanie occupied.

* * *

It turned out we were going to be playing with her cat, which did not appreciate zero gravity as much as humans did. Its claws were always outstretched, and after both of us getting scratched, we decided to bring the cat into Elle and her mother's room where the cat would be more comfortable. Of course, _I_ got tasked with bringing this freaked-out orange tabby into said room, so that meant I got scratched everywhere. Even the fabric of my uniform at the shoulders and forearms got frayed.

It calmed down significantly after it returned to gravity, but I kept my distance away from it. Getting scratched has a tendency to make humans wary of cats. I did consider getting Tori and using the poor thing to keep the cat occupied, but even though Tori's a robot I couldn't quite bring myself to do it.

As I placed a bandage on one of my bleeding scratches on the back of my hand, Elle laughed. "The cat hurts you more than bad guys."

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yeah. You always come back unhurt from fighting. I bet the bad guys would be even worse than you with my cat!"

Ah, the innocence of children. They don't realize that there are always wounded from battles, it's just that the wounds aren't always visible.

I tried to make her understand that, as futile as it seemed. "I'm not invincible, Elle."

"Mom says you are. You're like our guardian angel."

I barely held back a snort. "I'm not an angel."

"You even have golden hair, just like an angel!"

"I'm not an angel, Elle! I . . . I'm just not," I said. It was hard to keep from blowing up at her, but children just plain believe things that adults don't. I forced myself to understand that.

Melanie's eyes moistened, just a little. "But that's what Mom says. She says you're our guardian angel, and that no one can beat you. You just say you're a Coordinator so people don't think you're something else."

What kind of crazy junk was Dorothy Eliarez stuffing into her daughter's head? Maybe Dorothy Eliarez wasn't even aware of how crazy she was. Not everyone in Orb was tolerant of Coordinators. Maybe she was one of them. Maybe thinking I was something unearthly, something supernatural, was her way of coping with the fact that her survival depended on a Coordinator. And she believed the lie so fervently she had spread it to her own daughter.

Or she didn't know how to explain the naunces of the Natural/Coordinator conflict and just made up a bunch of junk that Elle would understand. In other words, she was just as tongue-tied as me about the whole situation. I hoped this was the case, because if it was the former, Dorothy Eliarez was short a few marbles.

I remembered Dorothy's comment to me. _"You're an angel"_. That wasn't a term of endearment. It was an _instruction_. An instruction to pretend to be something else in front of her daughter.

It's not something I wanted to do. I'm not an actress, and I'm definitely no angel. I'm just me.

But how could I say that to Elle, who wanted to believe that something like an angel existed and one of those beings was right in front of her?

In the end, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't pull off the act. It's just not who I am. Not to mention I'm missing an important accessory: the wings.

"Elle," I said softly, "I'm a Coordinator. I'm a human being. I'm not an angel or anything else. I'm doing this to protect everyone onboard this ship."

I turned around and went down on one knee so I'd be at her level. "I don't have any wings or stuff like that. I'm human. But I'll do the best I can, Melanie. I promise."

I put my hand on her face. She was starting to cry. I was shattering her illusion, but she needed this. She needed to know the truth.

"I will protect you. Nobody is ever going to harm you, your mother, or anyone else on this ship. I promise. You're going to get home safe and sound and you'll be able to attend school again and make friends. Orb's a peaceful country. It's a wonderful place to live. And you will be so . . . so happy there."

I embraced her. "Elle, I'm so sorry. I'm not perfect. Please don't hate me. Please."

"Cagalli, it's okay."

"Huh?"

"I know my mom is just saying that because she likes believing in stuff like that, but . . . could you just pretend with me? Pretend you're an angel? Just this once?"

Her blue eyes stared right into mine. "I need to pretend. It's only this once. It'll make my mom happy if you pretended with me."

I suddenly realized I was starting to cry. "Okay, I'll try. I . . . I will . . ."

My hands were shaking too much. I just gripped Melanie tightly and began crying, and I couldn't understand why.

Why? Why was I crying for such a small thing?

"Cagalli, it's okay. It's okay. I'm sorry. You don't have to pretend. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

It wasn't a small thing. It was people asking me to become something I'm not. It was the realization of how people were putting so much pressure on me, hope in me. They all wanted to believe I was greater than I was. And I'm plainly not a great person. I lash out too much, I've killed people, and my own lack of compassion and my lust for vengeance got way more people killed at Artemis than there had to be.

Coupled with the memory of my nightmare with Garcia, of being burned alive in hell, it was just too much.

I don't know how long I had held Elle in her room like that. She stopped talking after a while, and just gently rubbed my back the best she could with her short arms and small hands.

I just didn't feel worthy of the responsibility placed on my shoulders.

* * *

A half-hour later, Kira Yeley Athha, the prince himself, entered the room. Thankfully, by that time, I had stopped crying. I self-consciously stared at a nearby mirror, and the only sign of my weakness was a small amount of red around my eyes. I hoped Kira wouldn't notice.

Elle, for her part, was amazed the prince himself would step into the room of a commoner. She was completely speechless, and her eyes were indecisive, stunned, like she had no idea what to say.

Kira smiled as he saw me. "Cagalli, great to see you. Ms. Eliarez told me you were babysitting her daughter."

Elle was still so in awe of the prince being in her room that she didn't even object to the word "babysitting".

"Uh, yeah, I'm watching her while Ms. Eliarez is, uh, practicing on one of the turrets," I replied.

"Well, I kinda need you in the hangar bay. We need to go over some things regarding the Strike."

"I promised I would watch her daughter and stuff . . ."

Kira smiled gently. "You can bring Elle along. Wouldn't that be a good idea, Elle? You want to see the Strike?"

Elle was star-crossed. "You know my name-I mean, yes, of course, Mr. Prince Kira, sir!"

Kira laughed. "Just 'Kira' is fine, Elle. And yes, I know your name, your mother told it to me."

"Uh, okay, Mr. Prin-I mean, Kira."

Kira turned his attention back to me. "Well?"

I offered him the best smile I could manage. "Yeah."

* * *

When we made it into the hangar, I was surprised by how busy it was. I was left wondering when these poor maintenance guys got any rest. Either that or they were machines in disguise. But considering androids weren't exactly in vogue, hadn't been since the end of the Anno Domini era when they were reportedly quite numerous, I doubted it.

Wonder what happened to all of the robots and androids, and why they'd all vanish. None of the histories I've read of Anno Domini have given me a straight answer.

Whatever. Considering the Anno Domini movies I've seen that still exist, featuring long-dead actors whose names mean next to nothing nowadays, there was probably a robot rebellion of some kind. I mean, those movies had to have been made for a _reason_, right?

I looked up at the Strike, and wondered what would happen if it was sentient, like a real robot, instead of something that required a pilot. Mobile Suits are frequently misconstrued as robots for some reason when they aren't anything of the sort. They're their own unique type of machine. They are not airplanes or Mobile Armors, but they aren't actual robots either. Being a robot means it has to operate independently of a human controlling it.

Considering the insane amount of firepower the Strike had, it was probably for the best that it had no sentience.

I saw Kojiro Murdoch just _stare_ at us. "Hey, why're you guys bringing a girl in here?"

Kira smiled cheerfully. "Oh, we're just going to show her the Strike! Cagalli's babysitting her, after all!"

Kojiro's face looked like it was going to droop to the floor. "This is _your_ idea of babysitting, Cagalli? I'd hate to see what you'd call an actual date."

"Hey, I'm not being babysat!" Elle yelled. "I'm not a baby!"

Kojiro facepalmed. "Oh God . . ." He just floated away then, shaking his head.

Kira looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you didn't like that word, 'babysit'."

Elle's face flushed. "Uh, um, I don't mind if you say it, uh, Mr. Prince Kira, sir."

Kira just chuckled softly and shook his head. "It's all right, Elle."

We floated up to the Strike cockpit, and Kira opened it up. Elle peered inside. "Whoa, this is where you fly it, right, Cagalli?"

"Yeah," I said. Elle tried to crawl inside, but Kira stopped her.

"Uh, Elle, no offense, but the Strike's lock isn't activated, which means anyone can try to use it. We don't want the thing to accidentally turn on right now," Kira said.

"Oh. That would be bad," Elle said.

"Yes, very bad," Kira said.

"Aww." Elle reluctantly stepped away from the Strike cockpit and I just _looked_ at Kira.

Kira just winked in response. The puzzling response just had me shaking my head in dismay. Kira was having way too much fun with this. Then again, he left me the impression of being quite a gearhead. Getting to tinker with the Strike was probably like a dream come true for him.

I sat down in the cockpit, and I promptly discovered that Kira had told the truth, he hadn't turned the lock on at all. It made me sweat nervously. What if I felt like pretending to shoot something with the Igelstellung machine-guns? I could've opened fire in the hangar and gotten somebody hurt or killed just because of goofing around.

But I think Kira knew I wasn't going to do that. After everything I had been through, if I hadn't developed respect for this great machine, I never will.

I did a quick simulation with both Kira and Elle watching, and I discovered the thing turned on a dime. Kira had done his homework, this thing was manuevering like something much smaller, like a Mobile Armor.

I paused the simulation and stared at Kira. "How did you do that?"

Kira flushed. "Uh, I just improved the O.S. It's like a ZAFT version, only better. I've been tinkering with ways to make the ZAFT O.S. even better to use, and this is one prototype O.S. I've been considering. You like it?"

"Yes, a lot."

Kira smiled. "That's good. You want to try the other prototypes, or is this one fine?"

I considered it, just out of curiosity. But I knew I had found an O.S. I really liked. It felt custom-built for me, even though that may not have been Kira's intention, if he had made multiple prototype operating systems. I was so fast and agile with the Sword Pack that no GINN would have a chance against me, not unless he managed to land a few hits before I got there. But the improved agility, which came from the O.S. reacting faster and more efficiently with my reflexes, would make me really difficult to hit.

But there was no guarantee I'd be able to defeat the GUNDAM machines. Aegis, Buster, Duel, and Blitz. Athrun, Dearka, Yzak, and Nicol.

Even if the O.S. was absolutely perfect, it didn't change the fact I was fighting a four-on-one battle there. As much as I wanted to include Mu La Flaga, he was at a technical disadvantage. He had shot down several GINNs in a famous battle called Endymion, but such a feat was considered miraculous. How could I expect him to fight GUNDAM machines?

And the Artemis pilots that I had rescued would be close to powerless.

No matter how I looked at it, it was a war being felt by my own lonesome.

I needed the best O.S. I could get. And I knew I had found it, instinctively.

"This one's good. Thank you very much," I said.

Kira looked surprised. "Really? You don't want to try the others?"

I shook my head. "No. This one's perfect. I mean it."

Kira blinked a couple of times. "Oh, wow. I didn't expect you to like that one so much. That's why I had you try that one first. Shows how much I know, huh?"

"No, you know me better than you think," I said, trying to reassure him. "This one's exactly what I want. I think I could even shoot down one of the GUNDAMs with this O.S."

"Well, if you did that, that would greatly help," Kira said, laughing.

Elle peered inside. "Can you run the simulation again? That was amazing. The graphics looked so real!"

"They are, aren't they?" I said. I motioned for her to come inside. "Come on, you deserve a good view. Let me turn off the shaking so you don't go flying around the cockpit."

"You mean it?" Elle asked.

"Yeah, come on. I'll show you what it's like to fly this thing," I said. I looked at Kira, who looked like he was going to have a heart attack. "I promise I won't accidentally turn the machine on."

Kira finally nodded. "Okay. But Elle touches _nothing_, got it? Absolutely, positively, _nothing_."

"I promise," I said.

Kira sighed. "Okay. Elle, go on in. You have twenty minutes, that's all. I don't think the captain will approve of you being in the cockpit of a machine that technically is still on standby."

"Okay," Elle said. "I promise."

She got inside, and I closed the cockpit and activated the simulation. Elle gasped in shock. "Oh wow, I had no idea the Earth Alliance fleet was so big!"

"This is a simulation of the Eighth Fleet, it's commanded by some Admiral Halberton guy," I replied. "Maybe we'll get to see him someday."

"He must be cool to command such a big fleet," Elle said.

"No, he's just good at his job," I said. _And responsible too_, I silently added, knowing that Elle wouldn't completely understand that last bit. But that was fine. Why bore the girl with explanations of supplies and morale and ammunition and all of that? Melanie just wanted to see how you flew this Mobile Suit?

I launched out of the simulated hangar bay of Halberton's flagship, the _Menelaos_. I took Elle for a quick spin around the massive Eighth Fleet. I wondered what it would be like to command such a large group, and hold it together for so long against the ZAFT.

Admiral Halberton had to be good.

Elle was in total awe, she placed her hand on the screen multiple times, like she could reach out and grasp each ship in her hand. I couldn't help but smile at I saw her look around in amazement. Kids can be so difficult to please, but when you do please them, they are possessed by so much wonder that . . . the feeling you get is indescribably warm and wonderful.

We wound up being inside for forty minutes, twice as long as I promised. But I didn't mind that at all.

It was worth it just to see Elle's amazed, wide smile.


	11. Laid to Rest

littlemsstrawberry: There will be romance, but most of that's going to happen in the desert. That's not to say there won't be a kiss or two along the way, though. XD

JC: Oh, the April Fool's crisis will be mentioned soon enough. *evil smirk* Just wait.

Rob DS Zeta: I know you! Where'd you come from? XD

Flutter: Thank you for your comments and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.

I'm sorry about this chapter taking a while. Here it is.

* * *

**Chapter Eleven: Laid to Rest**

The next morning was the first one that seemed remotely uneventful all week. After explosions, death, explosions, Heliopolis falling apart, explosions, GUNDAMs, explosions, my childhood best friend appearing and reappearing out of nowhere, and yes, more explosions, an uneventful morning was heavenly.

Tolle was still nursing his gunshot when I checked on him but he was expected to resume his usual duties in a couple of days. Knowing that he was going to be okay for sure put me in a good mood when I entered the bridge to check up on my other friends.

It was then when I saw a massive structure before us. A dead PLANT.

"Whoa," I said.

"Whoa indeed," Mu La Flaga said from behind me. I turned to him. "We just found that thing right now. Biggest piece of anything we've seen in the debris belt so far."

"Can anyone tell me why we're still in the debris belt, other than to hide?" I asked.

Murrue got up from the captain's chair and smiled at me. "Mu La Flaga himself pointed out something to me yesterday. The debris belt is potentially a treasure trove. Leftover supplies and parts are all over this place. Right now, we haven't found anything substantial enough to hold leftover supplies and parts, though . . . not until now."

I looked ahead at it. It looked familiar to me for some reason. I thought I had seen that PLANT from somewhere before.

Then I realized where.

Athrun's room at the Academy contained a picture of Junius Seven, taken by Athrun himself as they passed by it on a slingshot route towards the moon. And it looked exactly like the dead colony we were staring at right now . . . except Junius Seven then was brimming with life and beauty.

This Junius Seven was nothing but death. Gray. Debris. Destruction.

"Are we really going to stop here?" I asked.

Murrue raised an eyebrow. "This is the first substantial structure we've found so far, Cagalli."

Mu knew. He had realized it just as I had spoken. "Cagalli, wait-"

I would not be stopped from pointing something inconvenient. "You people do realize that is Junius Seven, right?"

I was greeted with silence for several seconds, before Murrue finally spoke. "I should have guessed. It did look suspicious to me."

Mu sighed. "I heard wreckage from Junius Seven drifted into the debris belt, but I didn't think that included the main structure. Look at it, it's like a grave marker in space."

"Are we really going to take supplies from there? It's barbaric!" I shouted.

I wasn't raised in Junius Seven, but I could not see any benefits from raiding such a place. A place of odious atrocity, for no apparent reason than to start this violent, never-ending war. Then coming here, like grave robbers, moving the dead aside like they were nothing more than sandbags or something while stealing what remained? It was depravity. I didn't want to go in here, it felt like spitting on those who died just because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

My imagination went haywire, and I briefly imagined a zombie apocalypse, ghosts possessing everyone, or some insane crew member killing anybody who ventured inside one by one . . . until he found a way to get onboard the _Archangel_ and do the same to everyone in here. It took me ten seconds or so to get these ridiculous yet terrifying nightmares out of my head so I could refocus. I did just in time to hear Murrue.

"We are not going to be grave robbers, Cagalli. But we have a water shortage, and we need parts to repair the various malfunctions and damaged areas of the ship. We absolutely must have both of these things. Anything else is secondary, and that includes ammunition . . . which I doubt any ammunition we'd find would be compatable with the _Archangel_ anyway," Murrue said.

"You're just justifying stealing from the dead," I said.

Miriallia stood up. "Cagalli, the water shortage is getting really bad. I was talking with Flay earlier, the civilians' water ration is being cut drastically. Flay doesn't even have enough to shower with."

"I don't care about Flay," I said.

"You should. The military's water ration is going to be cut next," Miriallia said. "Unless we take the water from Junius Seven, soon there won't be any water period."

"I can't believe you're saying that," I replied.

"You can't always do what's pretty," Mu said. "We need to survive, and that's how we're going to survive. Or would you rather keep your hands clean and join Junius Seven as a permanent part of the debris belt?"

He pointed at the wrecked colony, and I knew what he, Murrue, and Miriallia were all saying was right in that we needed to survive. But this . . . this wasn't _living_. No matter the justification, stealing from the dead is the wrong thing to do in my opinion.

But I knew there wasn't any choice. If water was that short, there was no guarantee we'd find anything else in the debris belt. We had to go in.

"Fine," I said. "But I'm not taking part in stealing the supplies."

"That wasn't the plan for you anyway," Natarle Badgiruel said, as she emerged from behind Murrue. "You're going to be running patrols outside with Mu and the Artemis pilots you rescued. In the event of enemy attack, you will have to hold any ZAFT forces off until everyone's back onboard. Not to mention there is a possibility the ZAFT may keep a small guard around here."

That just pissed me off. "Oh great, we murder soldiers just to steal from the dead. This gets better."

Murrue spoke so calmly that I had to take notice of her words. "There is no guarantee that there's soldiers in there, Cagalli. It's just something we have to take as it comes. Like everything else. Now, will you help or not?"

I looked at the others. I could see, whether they were friends, or just acquaintances, that there would be no changing their minds. I was in the minority, the fringe minority.

Survival trumped all.

"Yes, I'll help," I finally said.

Murrue smiled. "Thank you, Cagalli. I know this has to be hard on you, but please understand. There's no guarantee we'll find anything else out here. We don't have much of a choice."

"I understand." I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes. I did my best to collect myself. _It has to be done, there's no choice, it has to be done, there's no choice_, I kept telling myself.

But in the back of my mind, I wished that there was a better choice, that we had another option besides running out of water.

But the cold, stark fact was that we didn't.

I opened my eyes. "When do we get started?"

* * *

The answer turned out to be "as soon as possible". In a half-hour, I was in my piloting suit, and standing out in the hangar bay. I was surprised at the size of the search team going inside. It looked like a small army, at least to my untrained, civilian eyes. And I even saw Tolle among those donning space suits.

I floated towards him. "You're really going, Tolle?"

"I can make one trip before I need to change the bandages," Tolle said. "Junius Seven is the size of an entire city. They need as many people as possible to go inside. They're even stripping the bridge crew. I gotta go, Cagalli, even if it's only for one trip. They need people to carry the equipment, we're expecting to be melting a ton of ice."

"But . . ."

"It's not like I know enough about this ship to repair it," Tolle said. "We have mechanics for that. But they need go-fers, most of all. And if I can at least help melt some water or find a part the mechanic guys are really desperate for, that means I'm still useful."

I could not argue with Tolle the way I could argue with anyone else. Especially as I knew he was right. "Just be careful, okay?"

Tolle smiled broadly. "Don't worry, I will. No psycho base commanders with pistols waiting for us over there!"

He quickly realized his mistake. After all, there wouldn't be _anyone_ around to meet him when he went over there, 'cause they were all _dead_, lest we forget. "Uh . . . sorry. I, uh . . ."

"It's okay." I tried to smile. "What kind of girlfriend am I if I can't even forgive one bad joke?"

My smile must have looked like the sickest thing in the solar system becaue Tolle couldn't quite meet my gaze. "Seriously, sorry."

"I said it's okay," I said. "Just do your thing and get back over here. And don't do anything to aggravate your wound. It hasn't been very long since you were shot. I don't need you bleeding in zero-G."

"Trust me, I know. I've bled enough already," Tolle said. He kissed me on the cheek. "I'll be safe, Cagalli. I promise. Kuzzey, Sai, and Miriallia are all coming with me, and I know you're hanging around outside the base to shoot any bad guys down. I know i'll be okay with all of you guys around."

"Thanks." I kissed him back. "I'll see you soon, okay?"

"I will," Tolle promised, and we traded an embrace before we went our separate ways.

As I went over to Mu La Flaga, I saw him standing around four people I had never seen before. Three men, and one woman. I realized quickly that they were the people I had rescued from Artemis' destruction.

Mu waved at me as I approached. "Hey, princess! I need you to take two of these fine pilots under your command."

"I'm not a princess," I said, almost by force of habit.

Mu sighed. "This is Vasili Federov and Natalya Trotsky. They're Russian, and I can't speak Russian, so . . . can you make do?"

I looked at the two of them. Vasili was tall and late-twenties, and Natalya was petite and early-twenties. Both had blonde hair and brown eyes, and if it weren't for their different facial structures they could be almost mistaken for siblings. It was actually kind of eerie to look at them.

I tried to be professional, and extended my hand. "I am Cagalli Yamato, pilot of the Strike Gundam. I look forward to working with the both of you," I said in Russian.

The Russians looked dumbstruck that I could speak their language. The man, Vasili, actually ran up and kissed me on the cheek in that passionate Russian way that disturbs everyone but other Russians. This would include me, even though I kinda saw it coming. Why Russians kiss people they never know will forever be a mystery to me.

After Vasili separated from me, I looked at the equally-dumbstruck Mu La Flaga and gave him a thumbs up. "I think I can manage."

Mu nodded. "I suppose so."

* * *

When it was my turn to fly out into the void, I felt sick. It wasn't my spacesickness, it goes away after enough time being weightless. It was the knowledge I was trepassing on the dead. I just hoped that the crew was living up to their promise, their orders, to only take what they needed, and not steal any possessions or valuables. Those things belonged with the dead, with the bodies.

They had been able to repair the _Archangel_ while I was waiting for my turn to head outside. The engines were back up to full capacity and the small amount of battle scars were being patched up by a combination of suitable debris and what the extraction crews had been able to bring back. Water, however, was proving a scarce find, in the four or five hours that took up Mu's shift, they had only been able to find enough water for two more days at the current personnel level. Murrue wanted at least two weeks' worth.

Natarle Badgiruel had personally taken charge of the extraction team, and was now probing deeper in the colony with Miriallia and a few others, searching for something that stored water. Anything. That's what we needed the most.

And, just for the record, no survivors had been found. So, for right now, we weren't getting transported into a horror story involving monsters, mutants, ghosts, or crazed serial killers. Though Natarle was insistent on everyone staying in groups, just to be safe.

I ordered Vasili and Natalya to watch one side of the thinly defined "corridor" in-between the _Archangel_ and Junius Seven and I would handle the other on my own. I thought it was strategically the smart thing to do, that my firepower would make up for being on my own, but it was hell on my nerves. I felt vulnerable, and surrounded by unseen, malignant spirits seeking to possess me, corrupt me, destroy me at every turn.

It had to be my imagination, but every few minutes, I would see a pale, nearly-invisible figure out of the corner of my eye. I would turn in the direction, and it would be gone.

"I'm sorry," I whispered softly after the fifth or sixth time that happened. "We're only here for water. We're not after your possessions. Please. I'm sorry."

It was another sign that my sanity was not at its peak. First was nearly laughing maniacally at Artemis' destruction, and now I was seeing things. Not good. Not good at all.

I cabled the _Archangel_. "Murrue, is Kira there, or did he go with the extraction team?"

_"I believe he's still here, Cagalli. Why?"_ Murrue asked.

"I need to talk to someone or I'm going to lose it out here," I said. "And I'm not going to have my new wingmates think I'm going crazy. Please, just send someone to find him and bring him on the line."

A pause. Then Murrue said _"I understand. He'll be here soon."_

As I waited, I saw what seemed to be another ghostly figure out of the corner of my right eye. I spun the Strike in the direction, aiming the Launcher Pack's artillery where I had seen it, but it was gone. I was chasing phantoms, figments of my imagination. But they seemed so real, so plausible, out here by myself.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "Please don't hurt me. Don't hurt anybody. We're not going to stay here. Don't hurt us."

It was foolish, but in my mind, it seemed like words were the only things I could use to defend myself. Like some invisible shield was rising around me, preventing the phantoms from reaching in and spiriting me away to their reality, where there was no such thing as eternal peace or being laid to rest.

I didn't want to see their horrible, painful world, their purgatory, their hellish realm of undeserved pain and suffering. I wanted to stay here. I wanted to live. And there was no charm, no pendant, that shielded me from these spirits. I wished I had a cross, a Star of David, a crescent, _anything_. Something that would ward these beings away.

And the trouble was, these spirits lived in one area: my imagination, and I could not tell my imagination to shut down. My imagination was completely out of control and feeding me nightmares while I was wide awake. That is not good for your state of mind, let me tell you. You start hating your imagination and your creativity after a while.

Kira came on the line. _"Cagalli, you all right? Murrue says you need to talk to me."_

Now that I had him, I realized I had no clue what to discuss with him. After some quick soul-searching, I grasped at the first straw I could find. "About Heliopolis. What made you want to investigate Morgenroete?"

A brief pause. _"Oh, that. Um, I wasn't happy with the rumors I was hearing about Morgenroete building Mobile Suits for the Earth Alliance, and I asked my father to investigate the Heliopolis facility. My father gave me permission. Not like there's anything I could have done to stop Morgenroete from producing the machines at that point, all five were pretty close to being done as you know pretty well."_

"And then you just walked in."

_"Nobody shuts the door on the prince of Orb,"_ Kira said with a short laugh. _"Being a royal causes a lot of doors to open. After all, after my father dies, I'm going to be their leader. I'm going to find out about their activities one way or another, might as well be now, you know?"_

"I wish I was in your position."

_"You'd probably drive my father crazy,"_ Kira replied.

I laughed. "Yeah, I would. I don't think I'm the 'royal' type at all."

Kira changed the subject. _"Seriously, Cagalli, you doing okay out there? Lieutenant Ramius is concerned about you."_

"Just stressed out, that's all."

Kira's voice turned skeptical. _"You sure that's all there is?"_

I paused, wondering what to say. Finally, I decided to tell him the truth, even though I would look stupid. "Kira, do you believe in ghosts?"

Kira realized what was going on immediately. _"You think you're seeing things out there, flying around."_

"Yeah," I admitted softly.

_"I understand. You're not the only one who's thinking about ghosts. That red-haired girl you seem to know . . . Flay, right? She's all freaked out right now, she thought she saw a ghost too."_

"Yeah, but she's _Flay_. I'd almost expect her to do that."

_"Anyone can get spooked, Cagalli. You're not the only person. Even an atheist can suddenly find himself believing in the supernatural, in what comes after, given the right circumstances. It's only human. Now calm down out there, okay? The Strike has plenty of power left since you haven't been shooting anything. Do a short patrol around, take a look around."_

"Like I want to see any more of this lovely scenery," I replied.

Kira sighed. _"It'll help, Cagalli. Trust me. And remember, you're not alone out there. We're all in the same boat right now."_

"Thank you, Kira."

_"I'll stay on the line. It's kind of cool to be on the bridge right now, anyway. There's so many buttons for Lieutenant Ramius to tell me not to push."_

I admit it, that made me laugh. "What, _her_ buttons or the _Archangel_'s buttons?"

_"Both. And I think I'm pushing Lieutenant Ramius' buttons right now by joking about her,"_ Kira said, a sheepish tone creeping into his voice. _"Let's drop the subject. Just fly around. Everything's okay, Cagalli."_

"Okay." I slowly accelerated the Strike, and began navigating my way through the debris.

The Launcher Pack, meant for long-range, was a curious choice to bring into the middle of a debris field. The advantage, however, was that the Launcher's weaponry could shoot through entire pieces of debris, vaporize them, and still hit its target. The thought was that the sheer power would give me an advantage, especially if I gained the element of surprise.

Personally, I found it a bit of a risk, but I needed to improve with the Launcher Pack anyway, and now was as good of a time as any to give it a spin.

That was when my console beeped.

I immediately stopped the Strike. I looked at my sensors, and realized that the Strike had managed to detect an enemy. I immediately pulled up close to the nearest significant piece of debris I could find and hid. and slowly poked the Strike above the debris so I could get a visual.

I saw a civilian ship in the distance, it seemed to have little, if any, armaments. And it was damaged. Badly damaged. Inoperable. It hadn't been completely blown apart, but it didn't look like it could run or even support life. It also looked too _new_ to be part of the Junius Seven wreckage, which made me think it had to be some kind of ceremonial group who had gotten caught up in something. Whether they had been unable to avoid debris or had been attacked was immaterial, but they were in serious trouble, if not already dead.

My sensors beeped again as something else was detected. I zoomed in using my rifle's scope.

A GINN.

A long-range reconnaissance GINN, to be exact. And it wasn't moving either, but showed no signs of battle damage.

Then I saw something. A lone figure, emerging from the wrecked civilian ship.

The pilot, wearing the standard green ZAFT uniform.

Not good. This was not far from the _Archangel_ at all, and dumb luck was the only reason why it, me, or anybody else hadn't been picked up by the GINN's sensors yet. It was only a matter of time before it did, though, especially at this close range. One move in the wrong direction, and it would find us. And the _Archangel_ was in an exceedingly vulnerable position right now. If reinforcements got called while we were so vulnerable . . .

There was no choice.

The pilot entered the GINN and shut the hatch. It was too late to blow up the GINN and save the pilot. Any second, an extraction team would launch either form Junius Seven or the _Archangel_, and it could alert the GINN's sensors.

No choice. No choice at all. It was still sitting right there, an easy mark, and by destroying it, and the pilot, the _Archangel_ would still have a few hours to grab what we needed before we'd have to vacate the area.

Or not even that much. All ZAFT knew was that we were somewhere in the debris belt, and they knew that a long-range GINN was in the debris belt. They didn't know where we were, and how would they know where the GINN was?

I aimed right at the torso of the GINN and fired.

The GINN was ripped in half as the torso, and presumably the pilot, was vaporized. The remaining two pieces of the GINN both exploded seconds later, obliterating the Mobile Suit completely. The GINN had no time to react, or sound an alarm, or _anything_.

It was an efficient, cold-blooded kill.

And it was terrifying to realize I was capable of that. No, not just capable. I _had_ done that. And now that I had, I could do it again.

And again.

It was easier this time, too. Compared to the previous three pilots I had killed, this one was professional, cold, calculated. I had planned it like a soldier, and had gotten my kill.

I was turning into a soldier a little more every time I stepped into this cockpit.

I heard Murrue's voice almost immediately after I shot the GINN down. _"Cagalli, we've detected a shot fired. What happened?"_

"There was a long-range GINN near the Junius Seven entry point," I said. "I had to shoot it down."

Silence. Then Murrue asked _"How could a GINN get this close to us?"_

"The debris is interfering with everything. It could be hours, even days, before ZAFT has any idea of what happened to it," I said. "I'll keep an eye out for reinforcements."

As if on cue, my console beeped again, and I immediately raised the Strike's artillery, ready to fire at any arriving backup. But I didn't see any GINNs. It took me a moment to realize the object I'm detecting wasn't any Mobile Suit, it's a _lifepod_.

I brought it up on the screen. It's a tiny, one-man lifepod, and it was not functioning very well, the engines seemed to be damaged. But some lights were still working, suggesting that whoever was onboard still had to be alive.

It was close to the civilian ship that had been destroyed. The pieces came together in my head. The civilian ship had carried some important ZAFT person, and a GINN had come all this way into the middle of the debris belt in search of that all likelihood, this important ZAFT person had been shoved into a lifepod and launched, but its engines had been damaged by debris or something shortly after leaving the civilian vessel.

I knew what I had to do.

* * *

By the time I had brought the lifepod onboard, the extraction teams were taking a break from their work, and most of the personnel had returned, including Natarle Badgiruel. She was not happy with me.

She did not raise her voice, but the look in her eyes suggested I was on the verge of crossing a line. "You need to stop putting yourself at risk over lifepods. This is becoming a bad habit, Cagalli Yamato. One of these days you are not going to be safe while you're off being a hero."

"Like you would expect any of us to let this guy rot in space," Mu said curtly. "Anyway, look at it this way. We just got ourselves a P.O.W. Some important ZAFT guy's now out of the war."

Natarle pursed her lips. "True, I suppose."

Kojiro Murdoch had been busy cracking the unlock codes. The ZAFT person inside hadn't been inclined to open the door, perhaps the person literally couldn't open the door. There was no radio communication either, the receiver appeared to be damaged. Natarle summed it up as "he might be able to hear us, but we can't hear him . . . or her."

A beeping noise echoed throughout the hangar bay. Then Murdoch sighed. "Opening . . ."

The door hissed, and flew open. I peered inside, and then got attacked by a hopping pink ball.

Not joking.

"Haro! Haro!" the mechanical doofus-thing yelped as it jumped up and down and bounded over my head. I recognized it from somewhere, but I was so surprised I couldn't recall _where_ exactly.

And then it occurred to me. And I felt like I was going to collapse. I spun around, and tried to keep myself from staying conscious.

I saw the person emerge from the lifepod, and it was one of the last people I ever wanted to see.

Ms. Hypocrite herself, the daughter of the Supreme Chairman whose warmongering was helping prolong the war while she sang pop songs of hope and idealism.

"No," I whispered, so softly no one else seemed to hear me. "Not _you_."

But it was true, and no amount of denial was going to change that.

She smiled so gently, so innocently. "Hello there, thank you for saving me. My name is Lacus Clyne."

She paused as she looked around at all of our collectively stunned faces. "Uh, this _is_ a ZAFT ship, right?"

Heaven help me.


	12. Special

Happy Valentine's Day! My gift is a new chapter.

animefan29: Due to discussing mild spoilers, my reply was private. Thanks for reading. ^^

Jodeist: Cagalli and Lacus meet up in this chapter. It is something to behold. XD Thanks for reading!

littlemssstrawberry: The story's hardly gotten started, and right now I don't think Cagalli's inclined to switch to the ZAFT to be with Athrun. Not yet anyway. Thanks for reading.

Light-Sakura: That's the point, you have to believe that's Cagalli talking. If you can't believe it's Cagalli, then this fic is going nowhere. XD I hope Cagalli is convincing, anyway . . . Thanks for reading!

Flutter: You have a good assumption . . . . *evil smirk*

Here we go, chapter 12.

* * *

**Chapter Twelve: Special**

I am not a big fan of pop music in general, I find the genre full of insufferable, shameless fluff built around the concept of easily replaceable "singles" over a whole body of work that rarely exists these days, an "album". What albums get released these days tend to be five or six of the more popular singles released with five or six other songs seemingly for the hell of it.

I should at least respect the singers and musicians for their work ethics. The singles model means they consistently have to churn out music and hits every three or four months at a time and build up to that album release twelve, eighteen, or even twenty-four months in advance. Lacus Clyne was new to this business, but her opening singles had caught fire in the Earth Alliance, ZAFT, Orb, you name it. Her first album was eagerly anticipated openly by Coordinators and privately, shamefully, by everybody else.

And of course, it helped that her father was famous, and that she had top-of-the-line songwriters tailoring lyrics to her soft, yet elegantly mature singing voice. And the arrangements that were put together for her involved elite musicians that surrounded her vocals with walls of sound, whether guitars, electronics, percussion, strings, you name it. After her first single rocketed to number one and stayed there, she could have any arrangement she wanted, and there was no musician whose services were too expensive.

And I absolutely despised her for it. She got her break because of her name, and she had gotten a rare kind of luck that most people never have. She represented everything that was wrong in pop music, from the glamour to having everything she could have wanted. And here she was, right in front of me, as if taunting me for wasting my time saving her life instead of someone more valuable, more human, than she was.

Her kind was better off not existing.

And her comment, speaking in such a ditzy manner . . . only someone spoiled rotten like her would have the gall to ask whether this was a ZAFT ship. Either that or she was truly stupid.

The anger was churning deep inside me as Natarle asked, stunned, "You're related to Siegal Clyne of the Supreme Council."

Lacus nodded. "Siegal Clyne is my father."

The annoying pink bouncing thing with eyes jumped around her, yelling "Haro" over and over until it was drummed into my skull with the subtlety of a sledgehammer. Lacus giggled as she took it in her hands. "This is my friend Haro. Say hi to everybody, Haro!"

The airy voice. The innocent, snobbish smile on her face. The idealistic, wide-eyed look in her eyes. The long, lavishly cared-for pink hair. And, perhaps the final nail in the coffin I so wanted to prepare for her, was her useless, inane robotic pet-thing that bounced around and made random noises.

I could not stand the sight of such a unnaturally innocent person.

I marched up to her and punched her in the face.

Let's just say nobody took it that well.

* * *

I was thrown into the brig immediately. Natarle gave me one look after unceremoniously dumping me in there. "She is the daughter of the Supreme Chairman, Cagalli Yamato! We can't afford for her to be hurt in any way or this war will further escalate! Now stay here until you cool off . . . and when we come back for you, you better have one helluva good reason for your actions."

"I already have one," I snapped. "I hate her sniveling, self-righteous guts."

Natarle rolled her eyes. "I don't like her either, believe me. But punching her in the face could cause wide-reaching consequences. Remember who she is the daughter of. And also remember this: you technically abused a captive, submissive prisoner. That breaks so many humane treatment laws that I don't know where to begin . . ."

She rubbed her forehead. "I'd throw the book at you, but Lieutenant Ramius is in charge, and she'll likely be lenient with you. Now cool the hell off, or stew in your stupid anger, or whatever. We _will_ be back for you."

And then she was gone, leaving me completely alone to focus on my bruises.

I had caused a bit of a scuffle when I had punched Lacus in the face. I think quite a few of the crew members were looking for an excuse to punch me for some time, repressed anger over being protected by a Coordinator. Granted, I had done something incredibly stupid by punching Lacus but you would think your average enlisted EA soldier would cheer such a development more than anything else.

After all, Lacus is the daughter of their enemy's leader, right?

Hours went by, and not so much as a guard walked outside my cell. I guess I was receiving the "isolation" treatment for what I had done. Not even my friends were stopping by for a visit. I'd figure at least _Tolle _would show up, but maybe they were letting no one pass.

They were probably fussing over Lacus, apologizing profusely. Babying her. The thought of that just pissed me off more than before I punched her. She was probably relishing the attention. Gratified that the Earth Alliance would trip over themselves trying to make her comfortable. All because she is a stupid pop idol and the daughter of the Supreme Chairman, so she absolutely, positively, must not come to harm.

I waited for so long I was beginning to wonder if everyone had forgotten about me. Maybe this was my punishment for taking part in raiding Junius Seven, this imprisonment. Maybe the ghosts had already taken me into their realm, and I was dead, drifting in space, and this was some kind of purgatory. I started feeling the walls, seeing if I could phase through them, or they would warp and bend in impossible ways.

My imagination runs wild when I'm alone. I can't help it. That's the way I am.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps. I ran over to the bars that kept me in my cell and peered through the gaps. I saw two guards, a shorter, stouter one in front, and a tall, lankier one in back, and they seemed to be in-between someone. The shorter guard looked at me funny. I must have seemed like a feral animal locked up for him. Considering my various mental issues and visions over the last couple of days, I don't think I looked fully sane to anybody.

The guard turned around, and behind him, I caught a small amount of very familiar pink hair. "Um, are you _sure_ you want to do this?"

The voice. That godawful voice. "Yes."

"Oh no. Not _you_," I groaned. Now I wasn't thinking I was in purgatory, I was wondering if I wound up in hell.

Lacus Clyne walked past the shorter guard and looked at me, with strangely sympathetic eyes. "Your captain has granted me permission to meet with you for a short while until I am kept in permanent quarters. I would like to make the most of it, considering she did not have to do that."

"Oh yeah? Why do you want to talk to the girl who punched you?" I asked.

"Because I want to know _why_ you punched me." Lacus' eyes seemed to darken, just a little. I suddenly realized that maybe the ditz act she had was precisely that, an act, and underneath was someone far more intelligent and worldly.

It made me freeze, just for a second, and I finally stepped back. "Fine. Go on."

Lacus nodded. "Thank you very much."

The guards both looked at us weirdly. The tall one said "Uh, ten minutes. That's all you get."

"I will make the most of it, then," Lacus said. The door opened, and I made sure that I didn't look like I was going to pounce on her.

There was a slight red mark on her left cheek, where I had hit her. It seemed indecisive whether to develop into a bruise or not.

She sat on the other side of my cell, and stared at me. "What is your name, soldier?"

I thought about lying, but considering Lacus was a P.O.W. for all practical purposes, I was thinking she would never get to head back to ZAFT and blab about who punched her in the face. A stupid assumption, considering the _Archangel_ was practically behind enemy lines, if such things existed in space, as Artemis no longer existed to protect Earth forces in this sector.

So I told her my real name. "It's Cagalli Yamato, and I'm from the Orb Union's Heliopolis colony. I volunteered to help protect the _Archangel_ until we make it to safety in the wake of Heliopolis' destruction. Destruction _you_ people instigated."

Lacus gave me a sad smile. "I had no knowledge of the operation."

"You're the daughter of the Supreme Chairman. You had to know."

"My father would prefer if I'm not involved and for now, I'm going to respect his wishes." She sighed. "So you are Cagalli Yamato. I shouldn't be surprised. You look like the kind of girl Athrun truly desires."

Seeing Lacus speak so frankly nearly fried my brain. Once I got over it, I managed to form a response. "Athrun's talked about me?"

Lacus nodded solemnly. "He considers you a close friend. In fact, I think he cares about you more than he cares about me."

I could tell that was a sore point with her, just by looking at her face. She wasn't angry or anything, just . . . _sad_. She had this look that suggested she felt she wasn't good enough, in some unfathomable way, and she didn't want to accept that but had no choice but to.

Hearing Lacus' admission was stunning. I had no idea one simple kiss could have made Athrun long for me so much. It felt kind of creepy, like I had a interplanetary stalker who would follow me everywhere, whether I went to Mars, Jupiter, or as far out as Neptune. Did Athrun know how to let anything go?

I wanted to feel flattered, but in the end I was more unnerved by Lacus' statement than anything else. It made me truly think Athrun was becoming a stalker. And unlike most stalking cases, I wasn't going to be able to file a restraining order to make him go away.

"Really," I finally said, unable to come up with anything that seemed proper.

Lacus nodded. "It's all right. It's a marriage for political convenience. Our fathers are trying to unite the hard-liners and the moderates behind one solid way to conduct the war."

I remembered that Patrick Zala, Athrun's father, was a renowned conservative. Siegel Clyne, ostenibly, was a moderate, but any "moderate" who warmongered as much as his government did was subject for re-interpretation. "I didn't know the ZAFT had anything resembling politics, much less something as antiquated as political marriages."

"We are governed by PLANT," Lacus said. "ZAFT is our military arm."

There it was again, denial of the truth. And I could not stop myself from lashing out. "It's smoke and mirrors, pop princess. ZAFT pretty much governs the PLANTs now, whether you want to admit it or not. The war's turned the government into a military dictatorship in all but name. Your politicians are just figureheads for what the military wants done."

Lacus' solemn smile made me stop. It just had this power, like she understands me better than I understand myself. Like Athrun's overtures towards me, it was creepy. "As long as my father retains the Chairman position, PLANT will never become a shell for a shadow military government. I can promise you that."

"But your father has ordered so many things! What about what you people did on April Fools' Day, remember?"

What I was referencing was the "April Fools' Crisis", as inane as it sounds. On that day, the ZAFT fired a massive neutron jammer into the Earth. It worked like an EMP, shattering communications, but also disabled nuclear power for the most part. Earth has managed to get some communications working, but long-distance phone calls remain a thing of the past, at least for the near future. Nuclear power remains touch and go as well.

Lacus kept that solemn smile. I so wanted to believe she was mocking me, but her eyes were powerful, resonant. It was like she was gazing deep inside me. Not like I was being violated, but like she was trying to make contact with something.

"My father was placating the hard-liners with that move," Lacus said. "It was supposed to show he was in charge, that he is willing to take aggressive steps to end the war. The fact that Earth's casualties would be minimal compared to other methods was a major selling point. But the move didn't help my father at all, it just made the hard-liners hunger for more battle, for more destruction. Some even talk about conquering the Earth, now."

"So you say," I replied.

"You don't have to believe me if you don't want to, Cagalli Yamato. I fully understand your distrust. What happened to your colony must've hurt deeply."

"It was my _home_," I said. "I was going to college there, and your people ruined my life."

Lacus nodded. "I know. Many lives were ruined. Ended. I noticed you are not the only civilian onboard this ship, either. It seems everyone is working together to keep this ship alive, and strong. I wish my father was able to inspire such unity."

"Isn't that what the marriage is for?" I asked.

"I have no idea if that'll work. It might be just a cynical ploy by Athrun's father to usurp my father. Not that I blame Athrun for it if that turns out to be true. He and his father are _very_ different people."

"Oh yeah?" I asked.

Lacus gave me what seemed to be the first joyful smile since she had stepped onboard the _Archangel_. "Athrun is an honorable young man, and he treats me well whenever he sees me. He is trying his best to make our relationship work, even with his feelings for you, even with pressure from his father. All he wants to do is the right thing. Just like you."

"How can you assume that about me?" I asked.

Lacus chuckled softly. "You are the only Coordinator onboard this ship, unless I'm mistaken. That means that the Strike GUNDAM that's been giving Athrun's special forces unit so many headaches is being piloted by _you_."

"Nice deduction," I said.

Lacus' smile turned solemn again. "You are just protecting this ship because you're a good person who knows what you have to do. These civilians, these soldiers, they all need you here. Trust me, anyone who will step into the cockpit of those GUNDAM monsters is a brave person. Athrun's brave, his friends are brave, and _you_are brave."

"Thanks," I replied, trying to sound as noncommittal as I could.

Lacus stood up. "I believe our time is about up. I would like you to walk me to my room, please."

"Why me?" I asked.

"I feel that I understand you, Cagalli Yamato. Do you understand me? I tried to make my thoughts as clear as I could."

She reached her hand out towards me. "I don't think you want to be locked in this cell anymore, do you?"

I admit it, I didn't hesitate before I took her hand and shook it. "No, I don't."

Lacus nodded. "Good. Thank you for understanding, Cagalli."

The truth was, I was more confused about her than anything else. But I didn't let her know that. I just wanted out of that holding cell, and regardless, I was no longer in the mood to punch Lacus anymore.

Isolation, and Lacus' honesty, has a way of disabling aggression that is something to behold.

* * *

When Lacus made it to her room, there was Haro, waiting for her. It bounced up and down. "Lacus, you're back! Lacus, you're back!"

"Yes, Haro. I'm back. And I think I made a new friend," Lacus said, and she picked up Haro and shoved it in front of me.

"You punched Lacus. You punched Lacus. You're mean, you're mean," Haro said.

I felt like turning the robot thing into a metallic baseball, but Lacus just laughed and set the robot down. "Oh, Haro, you always see things so simply."

I would disagree. I don't think Haro sees things at all. He's just a stupid robot pet. But I can't hate him completely. It would be insulting to Tori. Who am I one to talk about robotic pets, I own one myself.

Lacus sighed as she watched Haro jump and down. "You're probably wondering how the daughter of the Supreme Chairman can be captured so easily."

I actually wasn't. "You're not part of the military. If you're floating around in outer space unprotected, and you got attacked or something, that's your own fault."

"So you do know I was attacked."

"Logical deduction. Some Earth Alliance ship probably decided to pick on you."

"Earth ships did," Lacus did, sighing. "We were supposed to be a simple memorial service. But we got damaged and chased into the debris belt. I was put into an escape pod right before the air was completely gone. I don't know if anyone else got on a pod before it was too late."

She looked at me sadly. "I assume that since you didn't collect any more pods, there weren't any to get, were there?"

"I would've detected them," I replied.

"What about the ZAFT pilot who was talking to me? She said she was going to rescue me. That's part of the reason why I thought I was placed onboard a ZAFT ship."

I knew my eyes betrayed me instantly. There's no forgetting something like that, killing someone in cold blood. And this was the first _woman_ I have killed, the first three were men. Four people already, and it hasn't even been a week since this whole ordeal began. And that's not including Commandant Garcia, who I _let_ die, by my own choice.

"I killed her," I said. "She was too close to the ship, to my people. I had to take the shot. If she detected us . . ."

Lacus nodded slowly, sadly. "I see. You made a soldier's decision, then."

"Yes, I did."

"She was a nice person. Professional, but nice. She genuinely cared about my survival. That's all I can ever ask from whoever rescues me," Lacus said softly.

I did not want to know any more about a person who I've killed, so I quickly changed the subject. "I did what I had to do, okay? And that's final."

I walked over to the intercom. "Hit the green button if you want to buzz the bridge, like if you need any food or need to use the restroom. You are _not_ allowed outside. In the meantime, I'm going to protect this ship. And that means I will have to kill more of you people."

Lacus sighed. "You have no interest in joining PLANT?"

"I have given you my position on PLANT. I want to see your father prove that PLANT is more than a front for ZAFT before I believe there's any good about your government at all." I realized I hadn't answered her question directly. "So no, I am not interested. I'm going to head back to Orb, and that's final. Once I've done my duty onboard this ship, I mean."

"I'm glad to hear you say that," Lacus said. "You don't enjoy war, like some of the people I've met. Coordinators are prone to enjoying war, I've noticed. Many of the people have a sense that they're invincible against Naturals, and so view this as a game, an adventure, even a glorified shooting gallery. They sincerely don't think they're killing people. To them, Naturals are little more than scraps of the past, scraps to be eliminated, the modern-day equilvalent to Neanderthals."

"Who are these people?" I asked.

Lacus shook her head. "It doesn't concern you."

"What do you mean, it doesn't concern me?"

"This is an internal PLANT affair and you're wearing an Earth uniform, Cagalli Yamato."

I looked down at my uniform, and realized Lacus' point. I was definitely the enemy, even though she seemed to like me, in some odd way.

"Right," I managed.

"Please, you should leave before people think you're conspiring with me," Lacus said with a slight smile.

"That's crap."

"Some people are willing to believe anything as long as it satisfies their own prejudices," Lacus said.

Lacus' ditzy persona wasn't what was bothering me anymore. It was this sense that she was always right. Why did she have to bring up these points? Everything was simpler when I thought she was stupid. But she was proving a match for my political science education. In hindsight, I shouldn't have been surprised, she is the daughter of the Supreme Chairman, after all. What kind of politician wouldn't thoroughly school his child in, well, political science?

"Yeah," I finally said, and I turned towards the door. "See you later, I guess."

Lacus' voice sounded just a little happier. "Thank you for talking with me. With you, I finally feel like I can be myself. Please stay safe, Cagalli."

"I'll try, I guess," I said, and I opened the door and walked out into the hallway, making sure it was locked from the outside as I exited.

I rested my head against the wall, lost in thought. That was Lacus Clyne, pop idol, and surprisingly adept at political science, a match for me.

I wanted to hate her. She had everything to succeed in life, and she didn't have to deal with prejudice like I did. It made thoughts of defecting to the ZAFT tempting, just for a short moment in time.

But the promises I had made, the friends I had here, they kept me straight. I have to do what I said I will do. Without me, everybody's lives onboard this vessel are forfeit. They _will_ die.

Innocent civilians will die. My friends will die. The soldiers will die. Melanie will die.

Their lives laid in my hands, and I could either protect them or crush them, by the decisions I made.

I made up my mind, then. I was not going back to Athrun. I knew my place, and it was here, prejudice and all.

If Athrun wanted me, he was going to have to come to me, and betray his friends, his father.

And that, like a lot of other things, was final.


	13. All Mixed Up

Thank you all for your responses. Unfortunately, I don't have time to respond to all of you individually (blame a heavy work schedule). But I'm glad you guys enjoyed the events that occurred (though I admit I'm surprised by how many people enjoyed Lacus getting punched in the face when it was supposed to be clear that Cagalli was in the wrong).

Anyway, I hope the new chapter doesn't disappoint, and I will try to respond to all of you guys next time.

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen: All Mixed Up**

I was playing with Elle again when the P.A. blared with those infamous, hated words. _"All hands, primary battle stations! All civilians should remain in their quarters!"_

After saving Lacus Clyne's life, it didn't shock me that ZAFT had found us. They were likely frantically searching for Lacus and found us . . . and, inadvertedly, found Lacus too, though how would they know that?

Elle looked up at me. "You're going to have to fight again, Cagalli?"

"Yes," I said. "I have to. Please stay here."

"Mommy's on the Gottfred, Kotfryed, whasit?"

"The Gottfried?"

"Yeah, that." Elle's eyes shimmered. "I don't know where it is. Do you know where it is?"

I didn't. I honestly hadn't paid any attention to the position of the Gottfried, or any of the _Archangel_'s powerful weaponry. All that had mattered to me was where the bridge was. The point was that everyone I wanted to protect was in one place, a place I recognized. But now, by becoming close to Elle, I now had to protect her mother as well, and she was not anywhere close to the bridge knowing my luck.

"No, but I'll find out right away, before I deploy," I promised. "She'll stay safe."

Elle nodded. "Thank you very much. Please don't die."

"That's something I guarantee," I said, and I rubbed her forehead. "Just stay right here. I'll be back soon."

I went into the hallway and let the door slide shut behind me.

The terror was still there, but it was masked somehow, like there was this feeling of ruthlessness and inevitability. The Cagalli I had been was a distant ghost, whose vestiges I could use when I needed to appear more normal. But fighting, and killing, had already changed me.

And it was getting easier. Could I have killed that ZAFT pilot in cold blood if she was the first opponent I was going to kill? Probably not. I would have let her get away. But I had already killed people, already knew what that felt like. And it truly did not feel like a tragedy to do it. Just something I had to do, something to ensure everyone's survival.

I was thinking like a soldier, not a civilian. And that was not the most horrifying part of it.

More and more, Commandant Garcia's observations seemed to apply to me. That's the terrifying part. I was, too easily, getting used to fighting, getting used to killing. Justifying it, for the most basic of all reasons: survival. That's all that this was for, nothing but survival. Not even living.

I was really starting to feel like a monster. I was adapting too well to this, the life of a soldier, the life of someone always in conflict.

I heard a voice then, a familiar voice that I wasn't particularly fond of. "Cagalli! Cagalli!"

It was Flay Allster's voice. While not as high-pitched as Lacus Clyne's, there's something about it that sounds annoying. Maybe "prissy" is the best word to describe it.

I turned towards her. "I kinda have to rush to the hangar bay, Flay. Some other time."

"You don't understand!" Flay shouted.

"Don't yell in my face," I replied.

"Sai says we're going into battle, and one of the ships has my daddy on it!"

Okay, this was news. "Which ship?"

"The flagship!"

"What's the name of it?"

"I, uh, I don't know!"

Great. I was going to have to ask Mu La Flaga for something else, besides the location of the blasted Gottfried. Now I needed to know where Flay's father was.

Why does everyone expect me to be a hero and save everyone? I can't do everything all at once.

"I'll try," I said.

"Cagalli, please! Save my daddy! If you do I'll take back everything I've said about you, like you being manly and a Coordinator and a bitch and stuff."

"Thanks for the reminder," I replied. At least I still had some sarcasm not beaten out of me yet, as bitter as said sarcasm was.

"_Please_, Cagalli." I seem to have an inability to say "no". "Fine."

"You promise?"

"I guess."

"_Cagalli_-"

"I promise I'll try, okay? I can't guarantee something like that. All I can promise is that I'll try my hardest, that I'll even make it my first priority, but I can't promise I can save him, I don't even know what I'm up against," I said.

Flay sighed, and her eyes became teary, her voice bitter. "You suck, you know that? I wish Tolle, or Sai, or even Prince Kira was in your position. They would tell me Daddy would be okay."

"Flay-"

"Just leave me alone, _C__oordinator_!"

She started floating away, and I moved to stop her, but then I realized someone was behind me.

It was Mu La Flaga, already in his pilot suit. "Princess, what are you doing?"

"Uh, having a productive conversation?" I asked.

Mu buried his forehead in his palm. "We don't have time for this, princess. We have a three ship group under heavy attack directly in front of, the _Bernard Law Montgomery_ group. If we don't move now we're not going to be able to help them."

"But-" I turned to try to drag Flay back into this conversation, but she was gone, like lightning. I guess Mu scared her or something. Maybe there was a good reason, a lot of the military personnel weren't looking too kindly on the remaining civilians who weren't volunteering to help. Mu didn't seem to be one of them, but I guess Flay had decided that it was better being safe than sorry.

"Never mind," I said. "Which one's the flagship?"

"The _Montgomery_," Mu said. He cocked an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Just wanted to know," I said. We went down the hallway another few feet before something occurred to me.

"And for the last time, I'm not a princess!"

Mu groaned.

* * *

Flay's bitterness was weighing on my mind heavily as the launch sequence again, and I was propelled into outer space. I could've made the promise. It would have made her feel better. But I'm not that kind of person, who makes stupid promises.

Okay, I made stupid promises to Elle. But she's a little girl, and the promises I made were that I wouldn't get shot down, and that the _Archangel_ wouldn't be destroyed.

Oh wait, I kinda-sorta promised I'd protect Elle's mother too.

I'm just a hypocrite, making promises to people I like and driving the hopes of people I don't like into the ground. Flay's eyes were bitter and angry, not just sad. Perhaps even dangerous-looking. Was she going to try something onboard the _Archangel_? Maybe she was going to volunteer for a gun or something, maybe she was finally going to be useful.

I could only hope.

Mu and the Artemis Mobile Armor pilots quickly followed me, and we launched towards the battle zone. It did _not_ look good.

"Did we make it in time?" I asked.

_"I don't know,"_ Mu said. _"There's only one ship left, and it's nearly demolished."_

I turned on my sensors, and saw there were only four enemy craft. Maybe this was a Pyrrhic victory of sorts for the ZAFT to have only four Mobile Suits left, that this was going to be easy.

Then one of the signatures came up as the Aegis, and my heart sank.

Athrun was here. And if Athrun was here, that meant . . .

"Le Creuset," I said softly.

_"It's like you read my mind,"_ Mu said. _"Princess, go back and tighten defenses around the _Archangel."

That strategy made sense. There was no sign of Le Creuset's ship. It could easily be in ambush somewhere. While the debris belt was lighter where we were at, there was still enough to provide cover for a vessel, as long as the vessel stayed inert.

But before I obeyed, there was something I had to know, before I could follow those orders. "Miriallia, Kuzzey, or whoever's in charge of this thing, what's the last ship standing?"

It was Kuzzey who answered. "_Uh, I think it's the _Montgomery_, Cagalli._"

That meant I could _not_ follow those orders.

It was guilt motivating me, guilt over not promising Flay I'd protect her father. Granted, such a promise looked hopeless right now, perhaps even justifying my decision, but that just made me feel worse. Cold, callous.

If there was a tiny chance he was still alive on that flaming hunk of slag . . .

I had no choice.

"I can't follow those orders," I said. "I'm going after the GINNs circling the _Montgomery_. You and the MAs keep the Aegis busy. There's people still alive on there, I'm not letting them die."

"_Wait, you stupid kid! If we're both shot down . . ._" Mu shouted, but I had already hit the acceleration, and was charging straight towards the battle.

"Keep the Aegis busy! I'll only need a couple of minutes!" I shouted to him.

I realized, after a moment, that Vasili and Natalya, my wingmates, couldn't understand a word I was saying. I quickly switched to Russian. "Vasili, Natalya, I need the both of you to join La Flaga and distract the Aegis. That's all you two have to do, fly around and annoy it. I'll take care of the GINNs, come back around, and shoot the Aegis down myself."

Vasili's voice was full of trepidation, for good reason. How would you take being ordered to attack a GUNDAM? "_Understood, princess. We're on our way_."

Great. Mu's habit of calling me "princess" was spreading around the crew like a virus. Now I was getting called "princess" in _Russian_.

"Thank you, both of you." I was almost at the battle, and got off the com. I was using the Sword Pack, which was the weapon package I was the most comfortable with anyway. I was going to use the Strike's speed and mobility and lodge this sword right down the throats of those GINNs.

As I approached the _Montgomery_, Athrun forced his way into my com. _"Cagalli, what are you doing?"_

_Damn it Mu, attack him already!_ "Stay away from me, Athrun!"

_"I can't-AAAAGH!_" For a split second, I wondered if Athrun had been shot down, but my sensors indicated the Aegis was still intact, that the shooter had managed a glancing blow at best.

Mu and the Mobile Armors _had_ elected to follow my strategy. Not like there was any choice now. Mu was going to have my head after this battle was over.

I charged towards the GINNs, who were circling the _Montgomery_ like a ring of sharks around a sinking boat. They had no clue I was coming, they were so focused on firing their cannons on the glorified slag that the _Montgomery_ had become.

The first kill, then, was the easiest. I just charged forward and cleaved the GINN at the torso, slicing it, and likely the pilot, in half. I didn't stop my momentum, killing was fully on my mind now.

I could take it. I could take killing in cold blood if it was to save somebody. If I saved Flay's father, maybe she wouldn't hate me as much. If I saved more personnel, more soldiers, people who were reduced to just trying to survive now, I could deal with killing. Maybe I'd get a medal. Something to show that what I had done was worth it all.

Nothing's going to change the fact that I am a killer. Nothing will make me forget what I've done. All I could do, all I _can_ do, is, in the heat of battle, is kill. Kill so others can live. That's war. Protect your buddies by killing your enemies.

Don't die for your country, make the other bastard die for his.

The GINNs knew I was coming the moment I destroyed the first one, they immediately backed off from the _Montgomery_ and started shooting at me instead. Which was what I had wanted.

I heard Natalya scream on the com, which was suddenly cut off by static. Athrun got her.

One of my wingmates had already given her life so I could save the _Montgomery_. I had to work faster. Much faster.

I kept charging, and even let the lasers hit the Strike a couple of times, causing the cockpit to rock violently. But I did not let my momentum or speed abate as I launched towards a second GINN.

He had no time to get out of the way. I cleaved him in half too.

The third one rushed me, just as I heard Vasili scream in a gut-wrenching way before his scream was also cut off. Both of my wingmates were gone now.

I got pissed.

I sliced the GINN more than I needed to. I carved it into little pieces, slicing every appendage and significant section over and over and over until nothing was left but tiny pieces of metal.

They were dead, killed by my orders, killed by Athrun. I had hardly taken the opportunity to know them, those brave pilots who owed me their lives, and threw their lives away to save a glorified piece of slag on my orders.

I wanted to cry over the uselessness of my orders, of my objective. But I had to try. The ship was burning, but it was still intact. Somebody still had to be alive, right?

"_Montgomery_, this is Cagalli Yamato of the Strike GUNDAM. Do you read me?" I asked.

Silence.

I forced myself to repeat. "_Montgomery_, this is the Strike GUNDAM. Do you read me?"

Still silence. It was creepy, like I was trying to communicate with the dead inside a coffin.

My voice was choked up, begging. "_Montgomery_, please, if there's anybody still alive on there-"

The ship suddenly exploded.

I stared.

A massive fireball ripped the ship into two burning pieces, which were both quickly enveloped in flame and exploded as well. Nothing could have survived that. No signs of escape pods. Total obliteration.

I had done this for nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Killed three ZAFT pilots, and sent my wingmates to their deaths, for absolutely _nothing_.

Flay was not going to get her father back, and I was not going to get my wingmates back.

This had all been for _nothing_.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

That word floated in my head incessantly. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

_NOTHING_!

I pounded my cockpit door in rage, in despair, in some strange concoction of emotion I can't describe. I punched it over and over and screamed and cried and finally just leaned back in my seat and wondered what I had done to deserve this. To deserve this reward for all of this death: nothing.

Mu snapped me back to reality. _"Princess, stop screaming wherever you are and give me help! The Mobile Armors have all been shot down and-dammit, I've been hit!_"

_Not him too._ I accelerated immediately. "I'm coming, Lieutenant! I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!"

I saw the Aegis. The Moebius Zero was smoking, and Athrun was about to finish Mu off. Athrun _was_ a good pilot, to put Mu on the brink of death, to fight five enemies at once and beat them all.

And he had been the one who had been caught by surprise.

I charged frantically, knowing Athrun would likely notice me coming from a long while away but knowing there was no other way to distract Athrun. If anything, my presence was _always_ a distraction to him. He should turn his eyes off Mu and onto me immediately the moment his sensors caught me.

And the Aegis did turn towards me. "_Cagalli_?"

Part of me wanted to kill him, and part of me didn't. I was, however, completely and utterly pissed off at him. "Damn you Athrun!"

_"Cagalli, wait, stop!"_

I rushed him, and and made him dodge and run away from me, allowing Mu to pull back. He fired a few shots, but they were half-hearted, and sloppy, I didn't even need to dodge to miss them.

"Damn you, damn you, damn you! Those were my people you killed!"

"_You killed my people too!_" Athrun shouted back.

"I was trying to save the people onboard that ship!"

"_There was no one left to save, Cagalli! Didn't you see that?"_

Being reminded of my worthlessness didn't do anything but make me angrier. "_You're_ the reason why they're all dead! It's all on _you_, you bastard!"

I kept slashing at him, trying to cleave something off. If Athrun had been a worse pilot, I could've done some damage, but Athrun was no ordinary pilot. He dodged me well, in fact, pretty easily. He could have shot me down if he wanted to, but he was in no mood to do that. His fantasies of getting me back were probably filling his brain.

Or something.

I suddenly heard Murrue shout "_Cagalli, emergency retreat! The enemy's main guns are locked onto us!"_

"What?" I asked.

_"They were hiding in the wreckage of an escort vessel! We need to get out of-"_ Natarle Badgiruel shouted. I could hear her fumbling with the com, taking it away from a surprised Murrue Ramius.

"There's no time for that!"

Her voice came in on an open channel. "_Attention to all ZAFT combatants! This is the _Archangel_, we are currently holding Ms. Lacus Clyne captive onboard this ship! And by that I mean the daughter of Siegel Clyne, the Chairman of the Supreme Council!"_

I could not believe Natarle was playing this game, using Lacus like a bargaining chip, but at the same time, I could understood. Only now did I see where the _Vesalius_ was, and it definitely had the _Archangel_ in its sights.

Natarle continued to speak. _"By chance, we discovered her lifepod and took her in for humantarian purposes. If you persist in attacking this ship, Lacus Clyne's safety will not be guaranteed."_

Just like that, cold, brutal, and direct. Making it damn clear that Lacus would come to harm some way, some how, if the battle continued. Whether the ZAFT killed her by blowing the _Archangel_ apart or if the Earth Alliance did something inhumane to her, she would come to harm. And Natarle was vicious enough to do the harm personally.

Her words about Lacus haunted me. She didn't like Lacus Clyne either . . .

Would she enjoy that, tormenting, torturing Lacus?

I got the horrifying thought that maybe Natarle was harboring a complete monster inside her stoic yet rough military shell.

Athrun screamed at me, breaking my reverie. _"Is this what you're fighting for, Cagalli? These are the people who you want to protect? People who would hold an innocent girl hostage?_"

I had no clue how to answer that.

I heard a man's voice then. It was smooth, calculated. I wondered if it was Le Creuset. "_Our military does not submit to threats! If she is the daughter of the Supreme Chairman, she should be prepared to die an honorable death in battle rather than go on living as a prisoner._"

The cruelty of his words trumped even Natarle's. I nearly laughed as Athrun's point became meaningless. "Oh yes, like your side's any better, Athrun."

This time he was the one who didn't answer.

Natarle replied back, this time clearly taken aback by the man's total lack of concern for Lacus Clyne. "_We are not pirates! We will hand Ms. Clyne over in exchange for a temporary cease-fire." _

A pause. I wondered if the man would simply decide to let God sort everything out and kill us all. He definitely sounded like the type of cold-blooded individual who would decide such a thing.

And here I thought I was turning into a monster. I didn't know what a monster was.

But, finally, he said "_Very well. I will defer to your sensible proposal_."

Just like that, the battle was over, and I leaned back against my seat.

Now all of this carnage meant something, albeit something very little.

We had battled for the right for a brief respite from battle.

It was something crappy, something almost meaningless, but it was better than fighting for absolutely nothing, right?

Right?

It didn't feel any better at all.

It didn't change the fact that all of these people had gotten slaughtered, for reasons I couldn't even begin to try to figure out.

In that respect, they truly did die for nothing.

Nothing at all.


	14. Extraordinary Girl

animefan29: Cagalli doesn't feel that way. She has no clue that Rau has his own agenda right now (how would she) so as far as she knows she just hurled a bunch of soldiers to their deaths for nothing. She doesn't know or care about the ZAFT strategy, all she knows is that she put her two wingmen in a suicide mission. It's something more personal, and Cagalli isn't well-versed in military matters (she was trying to be a translator/diplomat, after all) so she isn't aware of the strategic implications. But yeah, in the big picture, there was a purpose to this carnage, but to Cagalli, not only as she was writing this, but what she felt at the time, as far as she knows, it was for nothing.

littlemssstrawberry: I do my best to update every week. ^^ Hope you enjoy the new chapter.

Jodeist: Athrun isn't willing to be as aggressive towards Cagalli, because their relationship is more personal than Athrun and Kira's was in canon. That's why he isn't yelling at her as much, Cagalli's yelling at _him_. It helps that Cagalli is naturally a more aggressive and emotional personality than Athrun to begin with.

Light-Sakura: Well, that's what I'm trying for anyway. Glad to know that you think I'm succeeding. ^^

Flutter: Well, you get to find out. ^^

cagallifangurl: You can't have GUNDAM without war plotlines IMO but I'm glad you're enjoying a fic that has war plotlines. XD

All right, here we go, new chapter. I'm almost out of my chapter buffer, though, I have not decided whether chapter 15 will have a brief delay or will post it. It depends if I can get chapter 16 done before next Monday (work has really delayed my writing, and that's caused my buffer to evaporate).

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen: Extraordinary Girl****  
**

I returned to the _Archangel_, my arms sore, my head soaked in sweat, and afflicted with a mild headache. My engineers immediately got to work with changing my battery pack, they started shouting that they didn't have time to do anything else. I guess getting Lacus off of the ship took first priority. Probably had something to do with the fact that the man had expressed a willingness to blow us away with Lacus onboard. Nobody wanted to give him an excuse to do so.

It had to be Rau Le Creuset. Athrun's commander. Mu La Flaga's rival. No wonder Mu hated him so much, and how Athrun had gotten as weird as he was. Le Creuset just did not seem human, from his voice to his words.

_That_ was our enemy? It's a miracle we weren't already dead.

Every few seconds that passed, I wondered whether I would suddenly see this bright flash of light, then a moment of total chaos . . . and then nothing.

But nothing happened.

Murrue came on my com. _"Cagalli, you doing okay in there?"_

"Yeah," I said softly.

_"You did everything you could. There's nothing for you to regret," _Murrue said.

Somehow, that made me feel even worse about my failures out there, but I couldn't let her know that. There's a time and place where you have to lie about how you feel so someone who means well but doesn't get it will continue to mean well. That way, when you truly need that person's words, he or she will still be there.

"I guess," I said. "I wish it didn't have to come to taking hostages."

_"That was Badgiruel's idea, not mine,"_ Murrue said, slightly defensive. _"I don't approve of taking hostages like this, but Badgiruel brought up a good point to me, if we didn't do this we'd likely all be dead right now."_

"Uh huh," I said.

Murrue sighed. _"Cagalli, I know you're not feeling well, but I insist. You did everything you could. You were aggressive, yes, but if the ship hadn't been so badly damaged you could have said everyone. Don't-"_

"Liar!" screamed a voice on the com.

The figure shoved Murrue out of the way roughly. "_You stupid goddamn liar!"_

There was Flay all of a sudden, completely tear-stricken. "_God damn you, Cagalli! No wonder you didn't promise to save Daddy! You had no intention of saving him at all!"_

Not a single word came to mind to say to Flay at all. I could only stare at her as she seemed to suddenly possess inhuman strength as she wrestled with a pair of soldiers, continuing to scream at me in a wretched shriek.

"_You let the Coordinators kill my daddy! You let them do it! Damn you, you stupid, stupid bitch! If you're not going to save anybody than just die! Die, die, die, you piece of Coordinator-"_

Her words, mercifully, became incomprehensible as the soldiers wrestled her away from the camera, and its speakers. Murrue, noticeably discomposed, reappeared, and she nervously brushed her hair from her eyes._"Cagalli, don't listen to her. Please come back the moment you return Lacus Clyne to ZAFT, understood?"_

_"Uh huh," I said. "When's Lacus Clyne supposed to arrive?"_

_"Any second now,"_ Murrue offered. _"I'll talk to you later, Cagalli. Stay brave."_

She killed the communications, leaving me to sit in the cockpit all by myself.

I had been too aggressive again. I should've known the ship was doomed, I should've stayed by the _Archangel_. My wingmates could still be alive if I had. Maybe Athrun would've shot them down anyway. Who could possibly know anymore?

I had to try. Just like with rescuing my friends and Flay, just like rescuing the Artemis soldiers, just like with rescuing Lacus. I could not bear the thought of letting people die out here in space. I had to try to save the _Montgomery_'s crew, no matter how hopeless the situation looked for them. I did everything I had to do, and I was still too late, and my wingmates were both dead. Killed because of my orders.

Mu La Flaga was considered a hero because he downed five GINNs in some battle called Endymion. I can kill three without breaking any sort of sweat, with my genetic abilities, and with this highly advanced machine. Who could've taken those GINNs on but me? But, at the same time, who else stood a chance against the Aegis but me?

Mu could easily have been killed along with the other Mobile Armor pilots. I had barely made it to him in time. If Mu had gotten killed too, I'd be all that's left to defend the _Archangel_.

How could I fight off entire squadrons of GINNs by myself?

This situation was so close to bordering hopelessness. Everything was just barely hanging together, if one thread unraveled so went the rest of the ship. When were we going to reach safety, already? I wanted to go back home to Orb, to my parents.

This mismatched crew, with all of its inexperience, reluctance, language barriers, jealousy, hatred, and whatnot, was only going to hold together for so long. And who knew how long the supplies taken from Junius Seven would last.

We needed protection behind a big strong fleet, and I needed a ticket home.

I never understood why my parents adopted me, a Coordinator, when Coordinators made them nervous. They loved me, of course, but they didn't embrace my kind, staying off to the side, and quiet, whenever they were at public gatherings for the parents, or even things like school plays. It was like they felt they were inferior to the people around them, just because of their genetics.

I wanted to see them so bad. I don't look the least bit like them, that's why I know I'm adopted, but I knew they were worried for me like I was their real daughter.

It would really suck to die out here without telling them "I love you" one last time. Just so they knew, forever, what I felt.

How long had it been? A week? Longer? Did they assume I was lost? What about the rest of the civilians onboard? Were we all considered lost, along with the actual dead of Heliopolis? Or are we on some list that basically states "hope is dwindling", in which we're not confirmed lost but chances are we'll never be found?

There was no way to talk to them, either, to let them know I was still alive. To tell anyone we were still alive.

We really were stranded out here.

Someone knocked on the cockpit door, and I opened the hatch. There was Lacus Clyne, wearing a white spacesuit. "Hello, Cagalli."

Her Haro chirped its name out loud, and I made a mental note to pretend it did not exist, for the same of my sanity.

"Get behind me," I said curtly.

"Okay." Lacus shifted until she got behind my seat as much as she could.

Kojiro Murdoch peeked inside. "You all set to go? The ZAFT commander just made . . . let's just say a _veiled_threat towards us."

"What kind of veiled threat?" I asked.

"You know, the 'I mustn't be kept waiting' pretentious crap," he said.

"Sounds like a ZAFT officer to me," I said softly. "I'm ready to launch anytime. Let 'em know."

Murdoch saluted. "You got it, princess."

"I'm not a princess," I started, but he was already gone by the time I spoke.

Lacus chuckled. "What?" I snapped.

"Nothing. It just amuses me for some reason."

"Glad to entertain you." I shut the cockpit door. "Now get ready, we're getting out of here."

Lacus' smile turned solemn again. "I assume I'm being turned over to Athrun himself."

"Most likely. You are due to marry him," I replied.

"I apologize for the awkwardness."

"No need to apologize. Not like this was supposed to happen, anyway. Like so many things, this sort of just fell together. You should be happy, though, you get to go back home," I said.

The Mobile Suit rocked as it got shifted onto the launcher. I hoped that a bazillion GINNs weren't waiting to ambush me. I didn't want any part of another battle, not this soon after surviving one.

"This is a really impressive weapon," Lacus finally said as we were positioned to launch.

"It is, I guess," I said.

"It never ceases to amaze me, on how we come up with new, horrible ways to kill each other. Eventually, we'll find the one way, the ultimate weapon, and we'll all be dead."

Thanks for the cheery thought, Lacus. Not. "Save your preaching for someone who isn't in the choir," I said, and I blasted the Strike out of the launch bay, and accelerated in the direction of the ZAFT ship.

Somewhere out there was the Aegis . . . and Athrun Zala, waiting for the girl who was supposed to marry him. And me, the girl who he was apparently still infatuated with after just one kiss, a kiss I didn't even initiate.

This was going to be awkward beyond belief.

"It's so sad," Lacus said softly. "Both you and he are good people. You two shouldn't be fighting each other."

"Well, guess what, we are," I said. "Deal with it."

"You don't need to talk like that, Cagalli."

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't," I said. "I just want to get this over with so I can head back to the ship."

The Aegis appeared on my sensors, and I accelerated in the Aegis' direction until it appeared in plain sight. I slowed the Strike down and parked it right in front of the Aegis, which had also powered down.

And there we both were, floating in space, and helpless.

I opened the cockpit. Lacus sighed as she looked ahead to the Aegis, which was doing the exact same thing. "I'm sorry for the trouble I caused, Cagalli Yamato. I hope you have a safe journey."

"Yeah, good luck with that," I replied.

Lacus frowned at me, and I sighed. "You stay safe too, Lacus Clyne. Keep making those smash pop hits that incredulously captivate people other than me."

Lacus chuckled. "I will. And I'll do my best to show you that PLANT is not an evil place."

She jumped away then, floating towards the Aegis, her Haro in her arms. The Haro seemed to want to say something, but obviously since there's no sound in space any response it could give was muted. And I was thankful for that, the Haro's incessant, infantile chatter would have ruined the moment.

Lacus landed right in Athrun's arms, and they stayed together for a second, just for a second. I was close enough to hear their communications.

_"I'm sorry, Lacus,"_ Athrun said.

_"It's all right, it's my fault,"_ Lacus replied calmly. _"It's great to see you again, finally."_

_"Yeah."_

I was about to close my cockpit and fly away when Athrun suddenly noticed me. _"Cagalli, what are you doing?"_

I stopped moving. "What is it now, Athrun?"

_"This is your best chance, maybe your last chance! Cagalli, come with us! You shouldn't be in the Earth forces!"_

This again. This argument repeated ad nauseum, when I had made it emphatically clear that wasn't an option. "Are you deaf, Athrun? For the last time, there's people I have to protect onboard that ship! I'm not leaving them!"

_"I can't keep you protected, Cagalli,"_ Athrun said. _"My teammates are getting impatient and my commander is sick and tired of this. You don't need to devote yourself to a cause that's losing this war. You keep fighting for them, I'll have no choice but to shoot you down!"_

The thought of Athrun shooting me down was so laughable I just started chuckling. "_You_, shoot me down? You'd never do that, not in a million years. You're content with stalking me all over this debris belt! You get your kicks off of tormenting me like this?"

_"No, Cagalli, I-"_

I didn't let him finish. "You think that one kiss, one measly surprise kiss, from back in prep school, is enough to make me want to be with you, want to fight with you, live with you? You think that seals our friendship forever? I've got news for you, pretty boy! I have new friends, a new life, and I've moved on!"

_"Cagalli, what are you saying?"_

"You attack this ship again, I'll shoot at you at will, Athrun! I've got too many promises to keep, and I have no interest in serving a military dictatorship that _your_ father is a proponent of!"

_"Don't talk about my father that way!"_ Athrun shouted, finally riled up a bit.

"Move on with your goddamn life, Athrun! The past is the past! After all, you got a hot young pop princess as your girlfriend now! You want to be faithful to her, right? Or is that considered too old-fashioned for the new and improved Coordinator society?"

Athrun didn't answer, I could see him turn towards Lacus, as if asking for guidance. Lacus just placed a hand on his shoulder.

"You don't want to fight me, then stay the hell away from me, Athrun! This ship is under my protection and it's gonna stay that way! Now take your blue-haired _ass_ and get out of here! And don't come back!"

I slammed the cockpit shut and powered up the Strike, turned the machine around, and blasted away.

I knew what I had said hadn't gotten through to him. I deliberately had tried to push him away by taunting him, threatening him, berating him, and it hadn't fully registered with him. He was just going to keep stalking me across the entire Earth's orbit as long as he wanted.

He was never going to leave me alone. Never.

* * *

When I returned, I saw so exhausted I thought about collapsing right into bed and never waking up. But as I floated down one of the hallways, en route to my room, I saw Tolle. He waved towards me as I approached him. "Cagalli," he said softly.

"Tolle. How's the wound?"

"Getting better." He fell silent then, and seemed to be lost in thought, a fairly rare occurance for Tolle.

"What is it?" I asked.

Tolle smiled. "A lot of people were thinking you weren't going to come back. They thought you were gonna abandon us."

"Did you?"

"Of course not. I knew you'd come back. You're not the kind of person who runs away from her responsibilities. That's part of the reason why I love you."

"Tolle, please-"

He embraced me. "Thank you for staying, Cagalli. Really. We all need you here. After what just happened, I . . . "

I returned the embrace slowly, softly. "What else happened besides me turning Lacus over?"

I could hear the surprise in Tolle's voice even though his tone was so soft. "No one's told you?"

Now I was nervous. "Told me what?"

"Flay kinda went nuts and tried to force the captain to kill Lacus Clyne while you were fighting out there."

This was news. I knew Flay didn't like Coordinators that much but I had never expected her to pull such a stunt. Worse, I knew why.

Her angry, bitter eyes right before I left to fight that battle. Now I knew what she had been planning inside her head. I had not reached out to help her, to reassure her, and so instead of her becoming heartened and steadier, she instead committed a rash, stupid action that could have gotten everybody killed.

"How did she get Lacus?" I asked. "Weren't we smart enough to leave a guard outside her door at least?"

Tolle scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, some guy from Orb, he looked like a tough, intimidating guy. He got it good downstairs."

I wish Tolle would realize he doesn't have to dance around delicate subjects with me. "You're serious, Flay kicked a guy in the balls to get Lacus Clyne?"

Tolle laughed nervously. "Actually, she _kneed_ him in the balls, but yeah, that's what she did."

Huh. Flay was more of a fighter than I expected, for her to do something like _that_. Now, granted, she probably tricked the guy into letting his guard down by being perfectly innocent and sweet, and then when she got close she made her move. For making such a rash decision, Flay had planned her move pretty well.

It's amazing how calculated stupidity can be sometimes.

"If we stay on this ship for much longer, we're going to need to find Flay something to do. Especially now."

Tolle gave me a confused look. "Huh?"

"Tolle, she just lost her father. The thing she needs now is something to do rather than mope around all day. Talk to her about putting on a uniform and try to _do_ something for the next few days until we're safe. Even if it's just cafeteria duty. Anything's better her doing nothing, especially after what she just did."

Tolle snapped his fingers as he understood. "Oh yeah, the 'idle hands' thing."

"Yeah. Flay's shown how stupid and reckless she can be with idle hands. So let's make sure she always has something to do, especially _now_."

"Yeah, good idea. I'll talk about it with Sai first, though. Sai until now's been wanting Flay to stay out of the fighting, but if I can convince him maybe Flay will be more willing to help."

"Don't bring it up that I suggested it. Flay's probably really pissed off at me over failing to save her father."

Tolle whistled. "Yeah, she was _not_ happy when the _Montgomery_ exploded."

Oh no. "What did she say or do?"

"Freaked out, screamed about you a couple of times, and then fainted." Tolle gave me an uneasy smile. "I doubt she's going to be that happy when she gets up, if she hasn't already."

"Then don't let them know I'm involved with the suggestion at all. They're not going to listen to me, especially Flay. I don't think Sai's happy with me either."

"Cagalli, you don't need to think you're an outcast or something, stop it."

"I am an outcast, now that the truth is out. Admit it, you feel weird knowing who I am, _what_ I am."

"I don't, I swear."

"Tolle-"

"Cagalli, it doesn't matter whether you're Natural, Coordinator, or something in-between, or even an alien. It really doesn't."

I gave him a look. "Alien, huh?"

"You know what I mean!"

I smiled, and put my hands on his shoulders. "Stop talking before you blow this."

We kissed right in the middle of the hallway, and I for once believed that we had to be getting close to safety. That maybe there was an ending waiting for us.

It had already been over a week. We couldn't be _that_ far away from friendlies, right?

I just hoped I had seen my final battle.


	15. Ill Communication

I apologize for the delay. I did decide to use the brief hiatus, as I could not get chapter 16 to work right. Battle chapters are more difficult for me than quieter chapters like this one. I can come up with an infinite amount of conversations, but can only come up with so many ways to blow things up, I guess.

JC: We'll see what happens with Tolle and Caglli soon enough. But yes, their feelings are real.

animefan29: Athrun may get it. Someday, sometime . . . or maybe never. And I understand your point. It furthered Rau's aims, but it certainly didn't further the _Archangel's _aims or Cagalli at all. It is just a demoralizing near-defeat.

Light-Sakura: That's actually by accident because these posts are modified versions of posts I put up on a Gundam site. Certain words get filtered as "ZOINKS" there. I have removed the filtered words from chapter 14 so you can see what Cagalli's _really_ saying.

I'm really trying to drive the point home that all that needs to happen is Cagalli and Kira's position being switched and suddenly Athrun's overtures get eerie. You can understand why Cagalli wasn't defect here, but I was also looking to justify Kira being reluctant to side with Athrun as well. The point is, Athrun just seems creepy. You don't know if you can trust him.

cagallifangurl: I believe Kira + Athrun X island = slash fiction paradise. XD

littlemssstrawberry: You'll get an idea of why Flay's, well, Flay in this chapter. I hope Flay comes across as a little more sympathetic here.

Here we go!

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen: Ill Communication**

"You did a good job trying to avoid me, but that's over with, princess! You and I need to have a serious discussion over who's following the orders and who's giving them!"

I couldn't dodge the inevitable harsh lecture from Lieutenant Mu La Flaga forever. As it was, I was lucky to avoid Mu after the battle the day previous, and even managed to dodge him all morning until he finally caught me by the mess hall.

"I don't need to hear it," I said softly. I knew full well what he was going to say, and he, of course, was gonna be right.

Mu just shook his head. "Yes, you do. We're not safe yet. We don't know how long it'll be until we're safe. Until we're safe, and you civilians can go, you need to follow the chain of command. You are a civilian, and I have fought through this entire war."

"I know that," I said.

Mu sighed. "I know it's been a rough two weeks. It's February 8th. This whole debacle started on January 25th. We had Lacus Clyne onboard for three or four days, don't remember which. We had to search Junius Seven. There was Artemis. You've had to kill people. And I know the deaths of the Russians are weighing on you. But you need to hear this, Cagalli."

I knew what kind of lecture he was going to give me, and I wanted to snap at him, tell him I didn't want to hear it. But at the same time, if I just let him talk, the lecture, that would tell me everything I already knew, it would be over with, and I could go on with my life, and continue to feel guilty forever and ever.

"You can't let the battle become any more personal than the matter of your own life and death. That is already a lot to bear. Trying to put someone else's problems on top of yours is a recipe for disaster. I know why you tried to rush to the _Montgomery_, why you tried to save it. I know you were trying to save the Allster girl's father. It's a heroic thing to do. But it got four pilots killed, four pilots we desperately _needed_, and even including the GINNs you terminated that is an unfavorable casualty rate."

Mu sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Now it's just the two of us again. If either one of us goes down, that leaves just one of us on his or her own. How long do you think the lone survivor can keep fighting out there, with everything the ZAFT has swarming him or her?"

"Not very long," I said.

"Probably even less time than that. I saw what happened when you were swarmed the first time, one of those Mobile Suits was going to try to carry you away. Unless you want to become a ZAFT P.O.W., where your only escape would likely be volunteering for the ZAFT and fighting until you're shot down, you need to follow the orders of people who've actually seen battle, who know what we're up against. Subverting the chain of command is just going to get everyone killed, princess."

"Why do you keep calling me 'princess'? It's driving me crazy!"

Mu facepalmed. "Not the point, princ-erm, Cagalli. Has anything I said gotten through to you?"

"Yes, I must follow orders, or we all die in the vacuum of space."

Mu sighed again. "I suppose that's close enough. You need to get a better attitude about this, princess."

I decided not to bite his head off over the "princess" thing at the last second. That was just going to make this lecture even longer, and probably even more aggravating.

"Yes, sir."

"At the same time, you're still a civilian, so I'm not going to say anything more. If you were a soldier, you'd be liable for a court-martial. Plus, nothing changes the fact that we still need you in the Strike. But you need to understand that your actions have consequences, and if the Aegis had managed to shoot me down as well, you'd be defending the _Archangel_ by yourself. How would that work out in the end?"

"Not very well," I said, knowing there was no other answer to give.

"That's an understatement." Mu sighed. "Just follow our orders. We know what we're doing, and we're going to get everybody home." "Yes, sir," I said.

"Don't pull a stunt like that again," Mu said, and he left me, and just as I expected, he had said everything I had expected him to say.

I had screwed up, rushed into a battle I had no business being in, all in a futile attempt to save someone's life. That battle could have come out even worse than it did. What if Creuset had managed to destroy the _Archangel_? What would have happened to me then?

I would've been taken prisoner by that man. And he did not seem like the kind of man who put welfare of prisoners high on the priority list. After all, he had seemed tempted to kill Lacus Clyne to kill the rest of us. What kind of man would consider killing the daughter of his nation's leader just to take out a ship? Did the man have any kind of humanity, or, failing that, any sense of self-preservation or of the long-term consequences of his actions?

He had destroyed Heliopolis, and ended the lives of anyne not prudent enough to make it to a lifeboat, just to take the GUNDAM machines. It was an action that could have dragged Orb into this war. Maybe Orb no longer existed for all I knew. We hadn't had communication with anybody since Heliopolis. We were still completely cut off.

Orb had to know their prince was out here somewhere. Had they already given up on him, on all of us, as lost?

It seemed more likely now. Maybe Mom and Dad were already planning my funeral service, or even had hosted it by now. Everyone had to be losing hope back home, if they hadn't lost it already.

Had my name been moved to the "Missing, Presumed Dead" list? Or maybe they just moved me straight to the "Confirmed Dead" list because any remaining survivors from Heliopolis surely would have stopped streaming in by now.

I couldn't imagine how my parents felt right now.

Suddenly Mu popped in around the corner. "Wait, I just thought of a suitable punishment for you."

"Huh?" I asked stupidly.

"Toilet duty for the entire week." Mu handed me an empty bucket and dry mop. "Get to it, kid."

"Thanks, sir," I said. Okay, this had been something I hadn't predicted.

On one hand, it was nice to know I wasn't always right. On the other . . .

Toilet duty. Just . . . toilet duty.

Argh.

* * *

I was comforted to know that I was n't alone in my suffering. Miriallia and Sai had been dumped to toilet duty with me. And surprisingly, so was Flay, though she should have been exempt considering she had opted to stay a civilian. She glared at me angrily and then started scrubbing one of the toilets, grumbling about something or other, likely about me.

Miriallia edged up towards me. "She's not happy. Tolle suggested that she should volunteer to keep busy, and Natarle overheard. She thought it would be a _great_ idea and 'volunteered' Flay on the spot."

"Sounds fun. She hates us even more now," I said.

Miriallia shrugged. "Sai volunteered so Flay wouldn't work alone, and I volunteered for toilet duty so you wouldn't have to work alone with these two glaring at you all of the time."

I smiled at her. "Thanks. That means a lot."

Miriallia smiled back, though it was a tad enigmatic. "No problem. That's what friends are for."

I was developing suspicions whether Miriallia was a true friend or just pretending to be so she could compete for Tolle. I shoved them aside here, of course. Why would anyone want _toilet duty_? Miriallia didn't seem to be calculating person, someone who would strategize her moves. She had to be a real friend, didn't she?

At the third bathroom, Flay did a freak-out and started banging her mop on top of one of the toilet heads while yelling gibberish until it broke, and then she broke down sobbing in Sai's arms. It almost was hilarious to witness. Almost.

Flay, in her purple naval uniform, undecorated just like all of the other Orb civilians who had volunteered, with her hair tied back messily, crying and sobbing and looking like the world had crashed upon her, didn't seem like the old Flay anymore. She was different. The superficial issues that she focused upon didn't seem to matter anymore. Her old life had vanished with the death of her father. The innocence she had was no longer permitted.

What made any vestige of a smile appear on my face when Flay broke down was gone when she collapsed into Sai's arms, crying. There had to be so much anger, so much sadness, so many feelings of helplessness churning inside of her that there was no release. She had nowhere to channel it, and clearly she could not suppress it. Her pain is the kind of pain that clutches you from the inside out, crushing you inside an incessant pressure until you just burst open.

It was then when I realized, irrevocably, that Flay was truly a human being, not a physical embodiment of torment directed towards yours truly.

After Flay was done crying, Sai went to get a replacement mop, leaving just Miriallia and I working by ourselves, as Flay just sat there, a hollow look in her eyes. She stared at me then, and the look of her eyes, while not necessarily hostile, was so eerie and soulless that I had to look away from her and concentrate on my work.

A few minutes passed, and Sai still hadn't returned. Flay continued to sit on the floor, staring at the wall, or staring at us whenever we happened to work in front of her. Finally, she spoke, which both relieved some of the stress in the room.

"This is all your fault," Flay said softly.

Miriallia sighed. "Flay, you and I both know Cagalli did her best. I mean, she's in trouble for trying to save your father. You have to realize that, right?"

"She didn't try hard enough," Flay grumbled.

"I did everything I could," I said. "When I tried to contact the ship, there was no answer. Finally, it just exploded in front of me. They were all dead before we got there, Flay."

"That's not true!" Flay stood up and grabbed me and shoved me against the wall. I could have resisted, but in this situation, it's better not to retaliate. Flay wanted to start a fight, I could see it in her eyes. And if I beat her up it would only justify her anger towards me. "That's not true! Daddy wouldn't die so easily He's not that kind of person!"

Miriallia tried to shove herself between us and only partially succeeded. "Flay, there's no point to this! Please, Flay, you have to calm down!"

"We should never have trusted her, Miriallia!" Flay yelled. "Even if she's trying to kill her fellow Coordinators, she's only in this for herself! She isn't worried about anyone else!"

That struck a nerve with me. I had made multiple promises to protect people. To say I wasn't worried about anyone else hurt as much as a slap to the face, possibly even more.

But again, I can't fully blame Flay for saying those things. As far as she knew, Coordinators were the enemy. How could any of them have the best interests of a ship full of Naturals at heart?

I was really regretting that everyone had found out I was the Strike's pilot, causing the logical deduction that I was a Coordinator. Not that there could've been any way to hide that fact for long. Eventually, my secret would've been out and I'd be in this situation, where I am an outcast on the ship I'm trying to protect.

Miriallia, thankfully, chose to speak for me. "Have you seen Cagalli fight, Flay? She's doing everything she can! Now leave her alone! You can sit there and mope if you want but these bathrooms aren't going to clean themselves."

Flay glared at her, and then looked back at me with her furious, tear-stricken eyes. "I want my daddy back. Those Coordinators took him away from me. Give him back to me."

"I can't do that," I said. "You know that. I'm sorry."

"You're not sorry," Flay said. "I know your type, Cagalli Yamato. I know you hate me. It must feel good to you to know I have no parents anymore . . . no family waiting for me when we finally get back to Orb, _if_ we get back to Orb."

I had forgotten that Flay's mother had died before the current conflict had broken out.

Sai, mercifully, showed up then with a new mop. "Whoa, what the hell's going on here?"

Flay finally separated from me with a growl and stomped towards Sai. "Just give me the stupid mop."

She yanked it out of his hands and starting washing the floor with a vigor I had never expected out of Flay. She could not keep it up and started grabbing her back behind long, and finally her arms, and finally she dropped the mop, leaned against the wall, and just rested her head against it, pounding her fist against the wall a couple of times.

No one seemed to know what to say. Despite being pinned against the wall by the girl just moments before, and that I could hurt more than help, I knew the onus was on _me_ to try to help Flay.

The girl was clearly devestated, and if something wasn't done she was going to go crazy, and that meant more stuff like Lacus being taken hostage.

"Look," I said, "I'm sorry I couldn't save your father. I did everything I could. I got both of my wingmates killed trying to save him. I killed three Coordinators to save him. There was nobody alive on that ship when we got here."

"You're lying," Flay whispered.

"You want someone to blame? Blame the ZAFT pilots who killed your father, who _I_ happened to kill! Blame the Aegis! Blame the captain for not arriving here fast enough! Blame me for not killing them fast enough! It's not going to solve anything and all you're doing is beating yourself up!" I shouted.

Sai went to Flay, and softly gripped her shoulders, and Flay seemed to melt in his arms. Sai looked towards me. His eyes weren't hateful, but they weren't sympathetic either. "Cagalli, I know you're trying to help, but . . ."

"Yeah," I said, knowing Sai didn't need to say anything more.

* * *

After toilet duty came to an end, we all went our separate ways. Miriallia went up to the bridge, Sai and Flay went off somewhere together. Flay didn't look like she was completely in this reality, like something was trying to pull her soul elsewhere. She had drifted in and out of the job, sometimes putting in a fast, furious effort, other times going through the motions, and the majority of the time just standing around, staring into space.

Look, you can say whatever you want about Flay. She's a snarky, cutting bitch. Whatever. It was very clear she loved her father, and he was the world to her, and without him she was devestated and directionless. I hoped Sai would be able to steer her in a good direction, where she could find something resembling happiness.

I wasn't going to be able to take her in a good direction. I was just a reminder of her loss, of the failure to prevent her father's death. I realized it would be best to avoid her for the rest of our stay onboard the _Archangel_. Let her grieve without giving her any sharp, painful reminders. I would still have to interact with her on toilet duty, but every other hour, I could try to leave her alone.

Since Flay had no reason to head into the hangar, that's where I chose to go. I figured Prince Kira would be hanging around in there, tinkering with the O.S. like it was his own personal pet project. Hell, at this point it pretty much _had_ become his pet project.

And there he was, sitting in the cockpit like always, running some random algorithm. He looked up from his work when I opened the hatch from the outside. "Oh, hi."

"Hi yourself," I said. I leaned in, and looked at the seemingly incomprehensible code. "What the heck is that?"

"I'm trying to make the battery more efficient. Trying to squeeze a few more minutes out of it. The captain was emphatic on that. You're running the Strike too close to empty."

"Well, gee, I have to, like, shoot things. Of course I'm gonna drain it!"

Kira chuckled. "Yeah, but you have a tendency to waste too much power. You accelerate off and on instead of moving at a steady pace, which kills the battery, and when you have a rifle you have a tendency to use a gaming tactic: 'spray 'n' pray'."

"'Spray 'n' pray'?"

"Yeah. You just do this rapid-fire thing and pray you hit the bad guy," Kira said. "Militaries _strongly_ discourage this tactic for obvious reasons. You're wasting ammunition, and a lot of energy on your part, and it's more likely you'll hit nothing or a friendly than the bad guy. You're getting away with it because the only friendly you've had most of the time is Mu La Flaga. Once we have dozens of friendlies around us, spray 'n' pray isn't going to go over too well."

"For a civilian prince you know your military tactics," I said.

Kira smiled. "My teacher used to be a soldier, she taught me a few things."

"Oh yeah, Erica Simmons, right?"

"Yeah, that's her." Kira shuddered. "Her military lessons were worse than her programming lessons. God."

"They were _that_ traumatic?"

Kira just gave me a look.

Something tells me I'm not going to enjoy meeting her."

Kira just started laughing and left me to stare at him in disbelief.

Kira finally stopped. "You'll wind up meeting her, trust me on this. After what you've been doing, Ms. Simmons will move heaven and earth and the whole solar system to get ahold of you. She's going to want to know how a pilot adjusts to the O.S., how . . . I could go on for hours and just scratch the surface. It's best that I don't explain."

I wasn't sure whether to be happy Kira was stopping there, or be extremely nervous. No matter what, the image of Erica Simmons grew more frightening.

I admit it, I was envisioning this musclebound woman in an overly-strict business suit, with cruel glasses on a steely face, and this deep voice bellowing orders and instructions into poor Kira's face.

I started shaking slightly at the thought of this hopefully-fictitious depiction and thought of something, _anything_, to get the image out of my head. "Uh, has the captain given you any updates?"

"Huh?" Kira asked.

"You are the Prince of Orb. I thought you were privy to what Murrue and the others have planned."

"Oh yeah. Lieutenant Ramius gave me a report this morning."

Kira scratched his head as he struggled to remember. "Well . . . I don't know whether to tell you this, but we've managed to find an allied fleet beyond the debris belt. Communications were patchy, we're still in the belt so there's interference, but we managed to get in touch with the Sixth Fleet for a moment."

"The Sixth? Isn't that Admiral Halberton's fleet?" I asked.

Kira nodded. "Yes. We didn't get to speak to him personally, though, and what we were able to get only lasted a few minutes. We're trying to take the fastest way out of the belt so we can work out a rendezvous point. But the Sixth Fleet knows we're alive and we're on the way."

A gleeful thought went through my head. "That means people are gonna know we're not dead!"

Kira smiled. "Yeah. Ramius did drop a mention that there are Orb civilians onboard, along with some Artemis personnel. Hopefully that'll get passed on."

"Your father's going to be so happy," I said.

Kira's eyes grew more distant. "He'll be happy I'm alive, but he's going to be angry, too."

"Why?" I asked.

"I should never have gotten involved in this. I'm risking a major diplomatic incident that could affect Orb's neutrality. I've spent weeks in danger, and could have easily gotten killed on Heliopolis. I'm definitely going to get a lecture out of this, from my father, and then from Ms. Simmons."

"You had no choice, though," I said. "The shelters were all full up there, at least, I think they were. You made the right decision to come with us. I mean, you're still alive, right?"

Kira's smile grew shaky. "That can change at any time. Lieutenant La Flaga made sure to point this out to me: that if we are indeed approaching the Eighth Fleet, ZAFT will make at least one more go at us before we're safe."

That made my heart sank. Here I was, thinking I was done with the fighting, that all I needed to do was hold on to my precarious situation with Flay and I was going to get through this safe and sound. Heady thoughts of seeing my parents again rushed through my head. I had never missed them so much as I did right that second.

"So, I'm going to have to make one more sortie."

"Definitely one, in Lieutenant La Flaga's opinion. Possibly two if we're unlucky or if ZAFT concentrate their forces."

Kira sighed. "Look, ZAFT is running out of opportunities to catch us, and they have to know it. It won't be long before they know we're coming up to the Sixth Fleet, if they didn't already. They will make one last go at it. Might even try it twice. Can you do that, Cagalli? Fight in this thing again? I know the last battle was hard on you."

I already knew the answer to his question before he finished talking. "Look, it's just nice knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel, all right? And it's not a train coming to squish me. That's all I need to know. Fight them one last time, kick their asses, link up with the fleet, we go home."

Kira's smile grew more warm. "Yeah, that sounds about right."

"I can handle one more fight," I said. "I don't care if it's Athrun or his three stooges that come after me for the last fight, or if they all try. I'm not letting everyone die, not when we're so close."

Kira placed his hand on my left shoulder. "That's good. You stay strong. We're going to make it through this."

The sensation of his hand on my shoulder felt strange. It was like I had known him, or should have, for years. I wanted him to be closer, and yet I wanted to push him away. It was undescribable.

"Yeah," I said. "We will."

But saying you'll do something and actually doing it are two entirely different things.

Words are words. They're easy to say. Actions are a lot harder to do.

Actions have consequences.

And if I committ the wrong actions, there will be horrific consequences.

I was not ready to see what those horrific consequences were.

I think that's why I lost myself in the next battle.


	16. Shut Up and Explode

littlemssstrawberry: What happens in the next battle ain't that different from canon. Some changes though. ^^

Toby: I don't get Flay bashing either. I don't think she was written as well as she could've been but I think she developed really well over the course of the story. Her action aren't justifiable but they are understandable.

animefan29: I corrected the 8th Fleet mistake. And I hope you do enjoy this chapter, it took a lot of work to write! XD

Light-Sakura: Hehe, that was precisely the point of that moment right there.

Gazer-Blitz: Hope you enjoy not only this chapter, but the rest of them!

An anecdote that I made on the MAHQ forums: over the course of writing this fic, Cagalli's voice to me has changed. It used to be Vanessa Morley's (the English dub VA) but starting with chapter 3, her voice started turning into Jennifer Hale's. I dunno why. By chapter 8 the voice pretty much was Hale. There's just something bitter in Cagalli's voice as I write her that turned her from Vanessa Morley into Jennifer Hale. I don't know if it's affected the fic all that much, but it's definitely affected how I approach writing the character.

Do you guys think Ms. Hale would make a good Cagalli?

Eh, whatever. Time for explosions and whatnot. Whee!

EDIT: Fixed the words stuck together too. Double whee. Thanks Light-Sakura.

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen: Shut Up and Explode**

Kira's words haunted me into the next day. I had been so sure, at the time of the conversation, that I could handle one more fight. One last battle to protect the _Archangel_. I had the best weapon, well, one of the _five _best, anyway, on either side of the conflict. I could annihilate GINNs at will instead of struggling for every kill like an ordinary Mobile Armor pilot. And I had the best tech support I could ask for.

Rumors had spread across the ship that we were close to linking up with the Eighth Fleet. The cafeteria was filled with discussions over finally getting off of this ship, over finally being able to come home.

Most of the Orb civilians were smiling. Their suffering, their struggles, their chafing under the strict orders of a foreign military, it was coming to an end. They were done playing soldier. They wanted to go home, live in peace, pretend this never happened. They wanted to see their families again.

One civilian wasn't smiling: Flay. Unlike everyone else, she wasn't going to regain what she lost just by going home. There was no one waiting for her, and I was sure Flay was not looking forward to seeing her friends. I wondered if those friends, shallow and perky and self-absorbed in their superficial lives, meant anything to Flay now. I doubted it. One snappy comment and those friends would abandon Flay.

The soldiers had more mixed emotions, especially the Artemis personnel, identifiable because of their different flags on their uniforms and their foreign languages. There was no escaping the war for them. Most of them wouldn't be staying on the _Archangel_, unless they were dedicated crew like Natarle Badgiruel. Murrue Ramius had been in charge of the GUNDAMs, and Mu La Flaga was a pilot, they would be deployed elsewhere.

As for the Artemis soldiers, they looked nervous. The pilots I had saved were, of course, _dead_, but the remaining twenty or so had to be pondering their futures. How would they be able to explain what they did at Artemis, trying to take control of the _Archangel_ and attempting to take the crew hostage? The Atlantic Federation wasn't going to be real happy about that. They were going to be taken off the career path at the very least, and see court-martials at the worst.

I guess that leaves me.

Garcia's words again mean something. I am unique. I am a rare Coordinator who chose to fight against her own kind. It doesn't matter what my reasons are. What matters is that I did. Not only then, but I'm really good at killing my own kind. That makes me even more valuable. The Earth Alliance will do anything to have me, or, perhaps, even make sure that if they can't have me, no one can.

I'm not naive enough to think that the Earth Alliance are the "good guys" in this war. Even if I did, Artemis was a hell of a wake-up call anyway.

Who knew what was going to happen to me. I was finally going to see my parents again, though, and I already had made up my mind on what I was going to do.

I had spent the last several years at a school far away from them. The Coordinator academy on the moon was done because I wanted to challenge myself, and I wanted to show I was just as good, if not better, than your average Coordinator. Just because I was from Orb didn't mean I was a stupid or inferior Coordinator like a lot of Coordinators think. I was determined to make my parents proud of me, make my kind take notice of me, and perhaps most important, accomplish a goal for myself.

Even when I started attending Orb schools, I was away from my parents. Heliopolis isn't exactly across the street, you know. It's still in orbit, and it's still expensive to fly from orbit down to Earth and vice versa.

I was thinking I had enough of that. I was going to find a college close by and live with my parents again. They were going to be so happy to see me, when I finally made it to them.

I was thinking it was time the three of us lived like a family again.

As I ate the cafeteria food, possibly pilfered from the ruins of Junius Seven, I felt somebody tugging on my left side. I turned and there was Elle, looking as childishly adorable as ever.

"Hi, Elle. What's up?"

"Mom says we're almost safe," she said.

"She's right. We are. Might have one more battle to get through but we're almost safe," I said. I smiled at her. "We can make it through one more battle, right?"

Elle averted her gaze for a second. "I don't want there to be another battle. I just want this over _now_."

"Well, hopefully ZAFT is too stupid to figure out where we are," I replied. "Maybe they got lost in the debris belt."

Elle smiled. "That would be great."

"Yeah." _Too bad I doubt it._

"My Mom's been in the Gottfried this whole time. It's so exposed, I kept thinking during the last battle that someone was gonna shoot at it."

"My goal is to make people focus on _me_. I am in the most powerful Mobile Suit out there. ZAFT is going to focus on me, because I'm more of a danger than the Gottfried to them. That simple, Elle. Your mom is not ZAFT's primary enemy out there. I am."

Elle's eyes shimmered. "I see."

"Elle, your mom's going to make it through this, and so will you. Now stay strong. Hopefully nothing will happen and-"

But the alarm rang out, and I felt like chucking my food across the room. Talk about rotten timing.

_"All hands, level one battle stations! All civilians, get to your assigned quarters! We have encountered a ZAFT vessel, I repeat, we have encountered a ZAFT vessel! Preparing to engage!"_

Murrue's words of doom seemed to echo even more than usual through the loudspeaker in the cafeteria. Immediately, people got up from their tables and tried to hustle out. I knew I had to follow, and not only that, but had to make time. I needed to get my pilot's suit on and be ready to launch within minutes before the ZAFT got a free run at the bridge.

I looked at Elle. "Go to your room. I'll handle this, okay?"

Elle nodded. "Okay. Just don't die."

"I won't. I've come too far to die now. We all have."

I left her then, and went straight for the hangar.

* * *

"Cagalli Yamato, Strike GUNDAM, launching!"

I accelerated the Strike out of the hangar bay and propelled it in the general direction of three bogeys. They were quickly identified on my screen as I accelerated away from the _Archangel_.

It was the Blitz, the Buster, and the Duel. No sign of the Aegis.

_So it _is_ Athrun's three stooges._

I had launched in the Aile Pack, which meant I was equipped for medium-range combat. No big melee weapon, though, other than a beam sword. I was going to have to rely on my shooting skills, or lack thereof, for this one.

Not like I had much of a choice. I couldn't take three GUNDAMs with only melee weaponry. I wasn't good enough of a pilot to pull _that_ off.

I remembered Kira's words. I had to avoid "spray 'n' pray". If I ran out of battery charge I was going to be completely, totally screwed. I had taken so many risks already, who knew what would be the risk that would kill me at last.

Speed and hit-and-run tactics. I was really good at manuevering the Strike, that wasn't going to be the primary problem. I had to choose my shots wisely, stop shooting when it was going to be clear I wasn't going to hit anything, and never relax. I could not let my guard down even for a tenth of a second, not against these three.

They weren't Athrun. They would shoot to kill.

In a way, I wished it was Athrun who was facing me here. He I'd be able to distract. If I could tie him up, there would be no real danger facing the _Archangel_, other than enemy ships. We'd escape easily.

But no. Things didn't work out that way. And now, here came "Nicol", "Yzak", and "Dearka", all eyeing to kill me. Except maybe Nicol. He seemed to be a nice guy and he didn't seem to want to kill me. But he was outvoted here by Yzak and Dearka. And he seemed more practical than Athrun did. And, even though he seemed to have a conscience, Nicol was more than willing to go and murder Garcia and everyone at Artemis.

How good was a person if he was willing to slaughter an entire military base?

Mu joined me then. His Zero had been repaired following the battle with Athrun, there hadn't been any unrepairable damage done to his signature machine. The crew, like the rest of the ship, was a patchwork of Orb refugees and professional soldiers, it was amazing they were able to work together as well as they were.

They wouldn't be able to get Mu off of the ship so soon if there wasn't some real teamwork here.

Even with all of our problems and differences, the mismatched crew of the ship, at least for now, was functioning as a unit. As a team.

The _Gamow_ was in the distance, and starting to take potshots at the _Archangel_. I cabled Mu. "What should we do about the ship?"

_"Nothing,"_, Mu replied. _"Our mission are the GUNDAMs and the GUNDAMs alone. We take them out, we annihilate the ZAFT advantage in high-powered Mobile Suits. The Earth Alliance and ZAFT will be even if we take those three out."_

"Yes, sir."

Suddenly, somebody called me on the public channel. It was the Duel.

I thought that Athrun had put them up to contacting me one last time, but that wasn't the case when I accepted the call.

_"You,"_ the Duel's pilot said as he appeared on my screen.

"What is it?" I asked.

_"You humiliated me at Artemis. I will not be taken lightly by a treacherous Natural-loving bitch like you!"_

His words were so predictable, so generic, that I could barely keep from laughing out loud. In this situation, as we were about to fight, why would this guy be so _stupid_ to hail the enemy? Just to issue a crappy challenge like that?

I did the mature thing. I blew a raspberry at him.

His face crinkled in bewilderment. _"What the hell is that supposed to be mean?"_

"Stop compensating for your lack of manliness. I'm _so_ not impressed."

I could hear laughing on the com. _"She got ya there, Yzak."_

The angry Duel pilot punched the side of the cockpit. _"Shut up, Dearka!"_

I saw the Duel was locked on. I smiled as I aimed directly at the cockpit. "Hey, Yzak or whatever your name is! Have you eaten today?"

Yzak, again, looked completely confused? _"Huh? Not since breakfast."_

"Hope you enjoyed it, because tonight you're dining in _hell_." I opened fire.

Yzak helped and barely managed to get his machine out of the way in time. Wisely, he killed the communications, and it became a comical game of cat and mouse as I chased the Duel all over space, shooting at it and even scratching the Phase Shift Armor a few times.

I heard Mu then. _"Never announce your intentions to the enemy, princess. You could have killed him right there and it would be two-on-two."_

He was right, of course. I didn't want to admit it, but he was.

_"And, in case it wasn't obvious, stop chatting with the enemy, too."_

"Yes, sir."

Miriallia entered the com. _"Cagalli, Lieutenant La Flaga. We've gotten in contact with the Eighth Fleet, they're closer than we thought. They're rushing to our position, forward elements will make it in ten minutes. You two must keep the GUNDAMs away for ten minutes-AAH!"_

"Miriallia, what's wrong?" I shouted, as I struggled to keep my bearings on the Duel's position. The Duel was recovering from my assault, and starting to shoot back. I wasn't going to have the advantage for much longer.

_"The _Gamow _just hit us!"_

"Should we go after the _Gamow_ then?"

Murrue Ramius' voice, strong and sure, spoke instead of Miriallia. _"Worry about the GUNDAMs, we'll handle the ship. That's an order."_

Mu spoke then. _"Princess, Blitz has activated Mirage Celloid. I have no visual, repeat, no visual."_

Great. That meant that Blitz was going to be sneaking up on the _Archangel_ any second to wreak havoc.

Mu had his hands full keeping Buster busy, and I was engaged with the Duel. The Blitz had made itself scarce, and it likely wasn't retreating. No, it was probably aiming to loop around and attack the _Archangel_'s engines. It was the logical place to strike, as the damage could cripple or destroy the ship immediately, causing more damage than the _Gamow_ could.

With Mu and Buster trading shots, I was going to have to take two GUNDAMs at once. At least Athrun wasn't here. Perhaps he and Creuset had pulled back to get Lacus to safety. If he and Rau Le Creuset had been here, the situation would've changed from difficult to untenable.

The Duel managed to graze me with a shot, giving me a warning that my free reign blasting him was over. I took the opportunity to thrust the Strike away from him and start looking for the Blitz. I took off towards the _Archangel_, banking that the Duel would shoot at me instead. It was a risky gamble but considering how angry the pilot had seemed . . .

Well, it didn't hurt to make sure. "Hey, Duel. Maybe if you got your girly hair away from your eyes you'd be able to hit something."

_"Shut up!"_

Okay, he was pissed off. Good . . . and bad.

He started firing at me as we closed in on the _Archangel_, and the anti-air turrets opened up, though the fire was inaccurate as they were trying to shoot around me to try and hit the Duel. The result was wasted ammunition, none of it hit me but none of it hit the Duel either, and in fact was barely a nuisance to it. The Duel, thankfully, ignored the _Archangel_ and kept its focus on me. I was going to have to trap it where it was vulnerable to the _Archangel_'s fire, and then finish it off for good.

But then a brief signal suggested there was a flaw in my strategy.

I still hadn't accounted for the Blitz. And, as the random flak blasted around, one shot, by dumb luck, grazed the Blitz.

It couldn't use Phase Shift and Mirage Celloid at the same time. The result was the Blitz briefly showing up on radar as it was jolted by the shot. I saw it, and realized I had to take care of Blitz first while keeping the Duel off of my tail.

But most horrifyingly, the Blitz's position being revealed didn't matter.

It was right on top of the _Archangel_.

As I turned towards it, the pilot seemed to realize his cover had been blown, and set the Blitz down on one of the _Archangel_'s "legs", and activated its Phase Shift. Immediately, it raised its weapons and prepared to fire right at the bridge.

Miriallia noticed too. _"The Blitz is on top of us! Someone get it off!"_

Everyone was at risk. The captain, my friends, Melanie, Prince Kira, everybody.

Just a few minutes away from rescue, and we were going to die just like that?

What a joke.

What a cruel, odious joke.

There was no time to line up a shot, I was going much too fast. I was going to have to do this the hard way.

I raised the Strike's shield and hit the acceleration.

The Blitz saw me coming quickly enough to not take a direct hit. I managed to clip it, though, and send it spiraling away from the _Archange_, briefly out of control. Relieved, I forgot about the Duel, which proved to be a horrible mistake.

The Duel finally shot me.

It was like an earthquake had erupted in the cockpit, and I screamed as I struggled to keep control. I struggled to turn the Strike around, but barely turned it around in time to get bodyslammed by the Duel and we crashed on top of the _Archangel's_ left leg, where the Blitz had positioned itself just moments before.

The Duel drew its saber and raised it to stab me. I was going to die, just like that.

Then time stood still.

* * *

It hovered before me, wrapped in a bright brown aura. I couldn't grasp quite what I was seeing, but thoughts were crashing through my head so rapidly that I couldn't focus on anything other than _I can't die_.

They were all counting on me. Everyone onboard. They needed me one last time and I was going to fail them _now_ after getting them so far? After so many battles, after all of the shortages and hardships and death? I was going to die to some punk flying a stolen Mobile Suit?

The faces of my friends, of my colleagues, flashed before me, rapidly. Something powerful, glorious, horrific built up inside me with each passing face. I saw glimpses of my failures, like Heliopolis, Artemis, the _Montgomery_, interwoven with the faces of all of the people that needed me, that were reliant on me.

They would die if I died.

No one was innocent. Not even Elle, the little girl. She would die just like everyone else.

I had promised her that I would not die.

And what about Tolle? Hadn't I made that promise to him, too? I had told him I was never going to abandon the _Archangle_.

Dying was the same as abandonment.

_Damn it, I'm not going to die._

_I'm not going to die!_

_I can't!_

My body burned as the thing I was picturing started to crack. My whole body and mind felt like it was starting to go into some kind of overdrive. I couldn't comprehend the speed of what was happening to me, just that it was. Like I was accelerating beyond human boundaries.

I realized, a split second before it broke, what I was seeing.

A seed.

A little brown seed, the same color as my eyes.

And as it broke, my humanity went with it, as it was absorbed and disintegrated by the power inside me.

_I am not going to die._

Everything was on sheer instinct. Everything I did was solely to protect my own survival. No other considerations were at mind.

_I have to live._

The Duel's pilot had made a big mistake. He had forgotten to pin me down. I saw that, as my eyes flashed open. My body felt the fastest and strongest it had ever been, and everything seemed to be moving slower than usual. Not the slow-motion you're thinking of, but something slower than normal speed. And I could see everything the Duel had done, and every vulnerability of its current position.

I took my shield arm and slammed it right into the Duel's torso just as it was about to stab me. It being a machine, the saber didn't fly out of its hand like a sword would have fallen out of a human's, but it didn't matter. I had hit the Duel with such vicious force that I had knocked the machine, and the pilot, completely off balance and away from me.

I saw the Blitz to my right, recovering from my previous attack. I fired several shots at it, and the majority of them connected, sending the Blitz fleeing for its life, smoke pouring out of it.

There was no reason left in me. My intention was to kill. I didn't understand what killing meant anymore. Killing was a means to an end. I could not die, and no one on that ship could die. The only way to prevent either was to kill my enemies. There was no regret, no emotion, just instinct and intention.

I was lining up the kill shot when the Duel charged right at me, its saber aiming for a wide slash that would cleave me in half. Like the Blitz, it had taken a decent amount of damage, but it was more operable. I could see, in that split second, that the chest part of the machine was damaged. I could kill the pilot.

Logic dictated that instead of continuing to shoot at the fleeing Blitz, it would make more sense to kill the Duel and _then_ finish the Blitz off.

I followed that logic.

I turned and aimed right at the chest compartment and fired.

A massive explosion erupted from the Duel, and I realized, faintly, that my aim had been slightly off. I hadn't hit the damaged part of the chest, just damaged a whole new section of the chest. It caused fire to erupt from the cockpit for a brief second, and metal and electronics to float out of it, but I hadn't made the kill shot. Even in this berserk mode I was still not an elite shot, I was definitely better than the other pilots, but still wasn't at the level of, say, Athrun.

Still, one shot was one shot. I had to take another, and that would finish the Duel off for good. I aimed again at the damaged chest cavity. It didn't matter whether the pilot was alive or dead at this point. Logic and instinct dictated that it was best not to take the chance. I could not let that machine return to ZAFT one way or another.

But as I was about to shoot I felt myself lose control of the machine as an explosion erupted under me.

I was startled out of my hypnosis.

* * *

I don't forget what it's like being in this berserker mode, this combat hypnosis, whatever it is. I see it all in hyper clarity. The images are burned into my memory for me to remember when I'm idle and alone.

As I returned to my normal senses, I was spiraling away, out of control. My machine had taken mild damage, though it would have been kill damage if Phase Shift hadn't been turned on. The Phase Shift had to work _hard_, though, I had lost a lot of energy while taking what damage I had. I grabbed the control stick with both hands, slammed the brakes, and managed to rotate the Strike around, to see who and what had hit me.

I saw one of the legs of the _Archangel_ smoking, among a couple of other sections. The _Gamow_ had fired again, and the damage was more serious this time. The _Archangel_ couldn't absorb hits like this forever.

To my horror, I saw one of the Gottfrieds smoking. I knew that Elle's mother was on a Gottfried. Was it _her_ Gottfried that had been hit? I couldn't see any bodies flying out of the smoke, so at least there weren't any guaranteed deaths, unless everybody was vaporized, anyway.

With that lovely thought in mind, I realized that there were two people I had been trying to kill who I had forgotten about in my moment of total loss of control.

The Blitz and Duel. I had caused serious damage to the both of them, and now I didn't know where they were.

I raced towards the battle site. Now that I was normal again, I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't want to kill, but at the same time, I was pragmatic enough to know what had to be done. The _Archangel_ would be much safer if I killed the two of them off. So would the Eighth Fleet, which would be showing up any second.

I searched my sensors, and finally found them. Surprisingly, they were together. I looked towards them, and saw the Blitz dragging the badly damaged Duel away from the battlefield. Of course, since there's no gravity or ground in space, the Blitz could drag the Duel away at a really high speed.

Nicol Amalfi had reacted quickly to me being blasted away like that, and he had done a heroic thing by rushing to the Duel and pulling it away from the battlefield.

There was no point in pursuing. The Buster had adjusted its battle patterns as well, and was doing nothing more than spraying fire to cover the retreat. The Moebius Zero had already backed off, and considering the damage I had taken, it wasn't worth the risk of pursuit. Especially when the possibility was strong that I could lose Phase Shift in the middle of the battle.

What an anti-climactic end. Just like that, the battle was over. We had fought to a stalemate, there had been no victors. Pretty much just like the last battle, though I guess you could say the ZAFT won that one considering we had been at Rau Le Creuset's mercy at the end.

Forward elements of the Eighth Fleet entered the outskirts of the battle area, and knowing it was outgunned, the _Gamow_ had already stopped shooting.

I heard Mu's voice then. _"Good job, princess. That's more like it. You did well out here."_

Did I? I wondered about what I had seen, and how it had changed me in an instant. Was what I had become really the right person for this war, for this situation?

It didn't feel right. Not even close.

That me that had emerged . . . was both animal and machine, driven by logic and instinct and nothing more than that.

It was not human.

But, being a human, I knew I had to respond to Mu. "Thanks."

That's all I could say without lying to him, or anyone else what had happened.

I decided to keep what I had seen a secret from everyone. Even Tolle. I was the freak onboard the _Archangel_already. What would happen if they learned about this too? Soon the word that described me would change from a mere "freak" to an outright "monster".

I didn't want to be a monster.

I couldn't be a monster.

So I stayed quiet, and hoped that what I had decided was my inner monster would never emerge again.

After all, the war was over for me, right? I'd never wind up in a situation that could cause the monster to emerge, right?

That still didn't change the fact that there _was_ a monster inside me.

And knowing it was there meant that I would be afraid for the rest of my life, fearful of what would happen if it escaped again . . .

If I let it out again.


	17. Miss Murder

I'd like to thank those of you who have read and reviewed this story. I've had a busy life lately and so haven't been able to keep up with the writing/ However, chapter seventeen is finished and is posted right now.

So I hope you enjoy the return of this story (and yes, this includes the troll. Yay, I'm big enough to get a troll! XD)

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen: Miss Murder**

The end of the battle did not relieve the stress and worry that was filling my heart. The only consolation was that I had finally gotten used to zero-G enough to not get spacesick, I didn't need the pills anymore. But I was in a panic. Desperate.

I had to make sure Dorothy Eliarez was okay. I had promised Elle she'd be fine. I hadn't protected the ship well enough.

It didn't matter that we had managed to win. Everyone had wanted to make it to the fleet completely intact, with no casualties. So the people who started the journey with us at the wreckage of Heliopolis could see their homes again.

I wish we could say we had become a band, forged by fire, but we really weren't. We were just out for the same goal: safety. As long as that goal was in sight, we could make it. Sure, we volunteered for things and for the most part tolerated people we didn't like, but it wasn't like any civilians were going to stick around to become soldiers, and that the soldiers of Artemis weren't going to land in hot water for what they tried to do to us.

If something happened to remove that safety, I wasn't sure what would happen. But we were a powder keg that would become ready to blow the moment something resembling a fire broke out.

But first and foremost I had to check on Dorothy Eliarez for the sake of her daughter. As I made it to the medical bay, I found a soldier entering something into a datapad. I figured he was as good of a potential source as any and I approached him.

He looked at me. "Hey, ain't you the-"

"Yes, I'm the GUNDAM pilot. Do you have the casualty list?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Say wha?"

"The casualty list. There's someone important to me who was in the Gottfried that got hit and I need to know that she's okay."

"Oh." He cycled through his datapad, highlighting something I couldn't see with his tiny plastic stick. "Uh, I got eleven casualties plus one MIA. Four KIA, seven WIA."

"Just give me the names. I know who I'm looking for."

He nodded. "Uh, okay. Um, do you want the wounded first or the-"

"Just start with the dead and unaccounted for," I said. I could barely keep myself from yanking the datapad out of his hands and look through the list myself. Already, I could feel my breathing bordering on the frantic, and I could audibly hear my heartbeat.

I was on the verge of completely freaking out in front of this guy.

"Uh, Seaman First Class Jorge Ramirez, Seaman First Class Jacqueline Vermor, Seaman Second Class Kolei Carmelson, and civilian Hans Cooper. MIA is civilian Seamus Kucinich. No one's seen him since the Gottfried got hit."

So at least Dorothy wasn't dead. That made me feel a lot happier inside. "Okay, it's none of them."

He ran down the list of wounded. Just as I thought Dorothy wasn't going to be mentioned, on the fifth name he said "Civilian Dorothy Eliarez."

So, she had been hurt. I stopped him just as he began reciting the sixth name. "That's who I'm looking for. How hurt is she?"

"Uh, burns, mostly. Nothing serious. Why? She a relative of yours?"

"I'm her daughter's babysitter."

He just gave me a _look _but I didn't care. I moved past him and went as fast as I could through the medical bay. It seemed pretty well-organized, but the medical bay looked like it could hold a lot more than seven wounded. Even with the manpower issue it looked like they could capably take care of seven wounded.

There's nothing I could do for the dead, and I figured what had happened to Seamus Kucinich was that he got sucked into space or something. Crappy way to go but there's nothing that could be done about that. I was sure he'd be "presumed KIA" very soon.

When I finally made it to Dorothy Eliarez's room, she was not only conscious, but wide awake, her left arm draped in burn bandages but nothing else seemed amiss.

Her nurse looked up at me and asked "May I help you?"

Thankfully, I didn't have to answer, because Dorothy spoke next. "It's my daughter's babysitter. It's all right, she can come in. She's been a big help."

The nurse looked at Dorothy, then back to me, and then did a double take. "Wait, _you _are the-"

"Yes," I said, "I am the Coordinator, and I babysit your patient's daughter. Is that such a big deal?"

The nurse couldn't come up with a response to that, and Dorothy mercifully spoke. "It's all right. Leave us alone for a few minutes, please."

The nurse, whose face was beet-red, looked grateful for the opportunity. "Uh, yes, ma'am."

She left the room without saying a word or even looking at me. I went to Ms. Eliarez's bedside, and she looked at me and smiled. "Why're you here?"

"I failed to protect the ship. I'm sorry," I said. My voice was strong and clear. I had no clue whether that was a good thing or not. I wasn't normally the type to choke up unless things got really bad, but you would think my voice would at least weaken a little bit in this kind of situation, show some inner vulnerability.

"Don't be stupid. What hit us was a shot from a ship, not from a Mobile Suit. That's not your fault."

"Maybe-"

"There's no maybes, Ms. Yamato. That ship was too far away to fly to. I don't even think Lieutenant La Flaga, as good as he is, could've handled all of those GUNDAM-things all at once. You made the right decision. And, anyway, I'm still alive, right?"

"Not everyone's all right," I pointed out, thinking about the dead and other wounded.

Ms. Eliarez shook her head. "Look, not everything's your fault. You did what you had to do. I-"

"_Mommy_!" That was undoubtedly Elle, and there she charged, into her mother's free arm, which quickly wrapped itself around her.

The nurse I had encountered earlier dutifully followed Elle in here. "Please, she's wounded, there's . . ." She looked at me again, and her face flushed once more. She turned around and left as quickly as she came in. I couldn't tell whether she was angry at me or simply embarrassed.

Elle was wailing, and there was nothing I could say. It was clear that this wasn't my moment. I was not a member of their family. I was an intruder upon them, a guest, an acquaintance. Nothing more than that.

The fact that Elle had just charged past me without saying a single word spoke volumes as to who meant more to her.

I had gotten my confirmation as to how badly Ms. Eliarez was injured. There was no other reason for me to be here, I would just be getting in the way. So I left, and silently floated down the hallway, hoping that in the end Elle wouldn't completely hate me for her mother being hurt.

Even though Ms. Eliarez herself said that I wasn't to blame for the injury, I couldn't help but feel that it was. In the end, my effort to protect the ship hadn't been perfect, and after the end of this horrific journey, it would've been really something for all of the military personnel and civilians to make it to the end.

But I guess that such a thought is unrealistic in the end.

Still . . .

It really would've been something. Something truly special.

* * *

That night, I settled down with Miriallia on what I was hoping would be our last night onboard the ship. We were still en route to Haliberton's main force. It wouldn't be until tomorrow morning, Greenwich Mean Time, that we'd make it to the main force and be able to disembark. That would be February 12th.

Two days from the anniversary of the Bloody Valentine. My God, and I would spending it up here, in space, rather than in the comfortable, warm home of my parents.

I still feel a kind of kinship with the Coordinators. I went to Coordinator academies for years. I was one of them. I may not have lost anybody dear to me in the Bloody Valentine but still, it was a massacre of _my _kind. My people.

At the same time, though, these were my people too, even though they were all Naturals. Tolle, Miri, Kira, Badgiruel, Ramius, La Flaga . . . they were people too.

In the end, I think that we're all humans. We may be different genetically but there's no hiding the real fact that Coordinators and Naturals are both human beings, despite such a genetic difference.

So why do we feel the need to kill the other just because we're different? Seeing this war shows that both Naturals and Coordinators have the same emotions, the same fears, the same flaws, and unfortunately, the same hatred.

This is such a disgusting war.

Thankfully, I was going to see the end of my participation in it. Or so I thought.

Miriallia laughed softly from above me. "Hard to believe it's the last night, isn't it? We're going back into our civilian clothes, we'll be going home, back to Orb."

"I'm looking forward to it," I said. "Which island do you live on again?"

"New Guinea."

"Oh. I live on Onogoro."

Miriallia chuckled again, but this time with a hint of sadness. "Yeah, kinda makes seeing each other difficult. Tolle lives on New Guinea too."

After everything I had been through, that fact did not surprise me at all. "I see."

"Of course," Miriallia said, "That's if Prince Kira even lets us get off."

This was new. "What?"

"Kuzzey says that he heard that Kira's trying to prevent us from getting off this ship," Miriallia said. "He's really arguing with his father personally."

"You mean . . ."

"Yeah, the Lion of Orb himself. 'Course, this is just what Kuzzey's saying, I don't know how much to buy."

"Why would Kira not want us to leave? I don't think he wants to be here anymore than we do. I mean, he said to me best, that he's a diplomatic incident waiting to happen."

"I don't know. Again, this is just what Kuzzey's saying. He's not so good as explaining motivations and crap."

Now this was making me ill. The thought of remaining stuck on this ship fighting ZAFT forces . . . no way in hell. I wanted to go home. I had served my time, now it was time to let me go. Let me be a civilian again.

But would the Earth Alliance forces just so amicably let me go?

After all, Orb was neutral. I could fly anywhere in the Earth Alliance, or indeed right into the ZAFT. Conceivably, I could wind up shooting at the Earth Alliance. I would never do that, I was going to stay neutral, but how would the EA know that? Or care if they did? I was of the same kind as the enemy.

Natarle Badgiruel, by far the creepiest of the _Archangel _personnel, loomed in my mind like a demon. I could see the dark manipulations she was planning behind those violet eyes. She had already gone against Murrue Ramius' orders before. Who said she wouldn't go rogue completely in order to get me?

Thankfully, stealing my attention away from possible Badgiruel manipulations was Melanie.

The door shuttered open softly, and I asked "Who's there?"

Elle. "My mom told me to sleep with you tonight."

I could hear Miriallia groan from up above. "Come on. Isn't your mom aware that someone besides Cagalli sleeps in this room?"

"I-I'm sorry. Just doing what Mom told me to do."

I sighed. "Elle, it's all right. You can share the bed with me."

"Thank you," she said, and I let her crawl into bed right beside me. I could tell she was nervous. Why wouldn't she? Her mom had just gotten badly hurt.

"You're taking responsibility for her, including if she wets the bed," Miriallia said.

"I don't wet the bed," Elle said, a defensive tone creeping into her voice.

"Just sayin'," Miriallia said, and I decided to let that one slide. Miriallia had a right to be cranky just like the rest of us.

I wrapped my left arm around Elle and tucked the covers around her just enough so most of her body was underneath. "It's okay. You'll be safe here tonight. There's me _and _cranky old Miriallia up there."

"_Who's _cranky and old?" Miriallia snapped.

"You are. You're a cranky old woman even though you're younger than me," I said.

"Gee, thanks. Remind me to sic some cats on you. If I'm gonna be old I might as well be the crazy old cat lady," Miriallia grumbled. That made Elle chuckle a little, which was what I wanted. Anything to keep her mind off her mother.

After a brief period of silence, where I thought Elle would just go to sleep, she said "I tried to stay with Mom but the nurses insisted I go sleep somewhere else."

"The nurses are being smart," I said. "They don't want you to get hurt accidentally. It's been crazy on this ship."

"Probably gonna get crazier," Miriallia unhelpfully added from up above.

"Yeah, I know, but . . . I just feel weird about leaving Mom alone. I don't know why," Elle said.

Now she was beginning to creep me out. "Your mom's gonna be fine, Elle."

"That's what she said too, but . . ."

"If your mom says she's gonna be okay, then that's how it's gonna be," I replied, this time trying to sound final.

"I guess," Elle said, and this time, I heard a small sigh from her. She was finally ready to sleep.

And frankly, so was I.

I wasn't going to deal with any trouble until the morning.

And, it turned out, there was gonna be a _ton _of trouble.

* * *

Picture this avalanche of bricks crashing upon your house, crushing it underneath the immense weight. Picture yourself in said house as it crumbles right on your head.

That's what happens to a child who loses a parent.

Everything is crushed by death and there's no escape from it.

The moment Elle and I stepped outside to face the new morning, that's the news I got to hear.

The soldier pulled me aside, away from Melanie. "What's going on?" I asked as we were separated. Another soldier, a woman, was bending down and whispering to Elle, whose eyes were increasingly widening in horror, and her hands were rising in front of her mouth.

"We've been looking everywhere for Elle Eliarez," the soldier said. "Somebody said she'd be with you because you're her babysitter."

"Yeah, so? Can't you tell me what's going on?" I asked.

The soldier looked away from me. "Dorothy Eliarez was murdered last night."

_"What?"_ I shouted. That startled both Elle and the woman, who both looked at me for a moment before the woman began speaking to Melanie again.

The soldier just shook his head. "Her throat was slashed open. We don't know who did it. Just . . . just come with us. You're the closest thing that girl has to a guardian onboard this ship . . . you have to."

He then led me down the hall, away from Elle, who looked increasingly fearful and helpless as I turned the corner, away from her.

My place wasn't by the corpse, it was by _her_.

But I'm a soldier, at the same time. So my place is by a corpse, ironically enough.

Which one was I, the soldier or the college student?

When I did make it to the hospital room, I dreaded seeing the cover being lifted up to reveal Dorothy Eliarez's face. I hoped against hope that it was a case of mistaken identity, that someone would burst into the room claiming that the _real _Dorothy Eliarez was still alive and this person was a lookalike or something.

But no, when the cover was lifted up, I saw Dorothy's face. It was pale, and her eyes were still open, staring at some unknown enemy with terror still evident.

I just stared. I could barely even fathom the sight. Finally, I tore my eyes away from it. Murrue Ramius was in the room now, looking vaguely melancholy. "Who . . . who did this?"

"I don't know," Murrue said softly. Her brown eyes looked at me then, now with tinges of faint suspicion. "Do you have an alibi, Cagalli?"

"I was _sleeping _in my bunk last night," I said. "Both Miriallia and Elle herself can vouch for that. In fact Elle was in the-"

"I had to ask," Murrue said. "There's no telling who of us is the suspect. So far everyone has an alibi."

This was just great. Now not only were there rumors that everybody on this ship was gonna be stuck on it, but now there was a murderer on board too! Only thing that would make this better was a surprise ZAFT attack.

Knowing my luck, Rau Le Creuset was planning a surprise attack right now.

Murrue placed her hand on my shoulder. "You knew Ms. Eliarez better than most people on this ship. We're questioning everybody who knew her, including everyone who worked with her that survived. We need to know anyone who might've had a grudge against her. Please, come with me."

"Who's doing the questioning?" I asked.

"Natarle Badgiruel," Murrue said, confirming my worst nightmares.

As she led me out of the room, I saw a brief flash of red hair to my left. I turned, and saw Flay Allster for the briefest second.

My glimpse of her wasn't very long, and I didn't get a good look at her face as she rounded the corner, but I thought I saw the slightest smile cross her face as she vanished.

Was it her? Could it really have been her?

Why?

Murrue tugged on my arm, this time just a bit forcefully. "Cagalli, please. I want you cleared as a suspect as soon as possible so you can get back in the Strike if something happens today."

"I thought I was done with the Strike," I said.

"That's up to the prince and his father," Murrue replied cryptically.

So, the rumors were true that Kira was trying to keep the Orb civilians onboard. Why the hell would Kira do that?

No, the greater mystery was the murder of Dorothy Eliarez.

And I had a feeling I had just seen not only the primary suspect, but the perpetrator.

Flay Allster.


	18. The Missing Frame

I apologize for taking so long. I was unhappy with Kira's initial characterization in this chapter and had to redo it.

In case it wasn't obvious, Melanie Eliarez is supposed to be the character "Elle" as seen in a couple choice episodes of Gundam SEED. I had forgotten the girl's name and instead of searching it out (aka the smart thing to do) I opted to make up my own name for her (aka the dumb thing to do). I apologize about that.

I hope the twists and turns keep coming. I'm glad there's so many readers right now. I hope you all continue to enjoy the story as it unfolds, and I hope the posting schedule returns to normal fairly soon.

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen: The Missing Frame**

Natarle Badgiruel is not the kind of woman you want to meet in any kind of enclosed space alone. Around other people, she blends in just well enough that you think she's at least a semi-normal person. But when it's just one on one with her, you become aware that her eyes are ice cold, that you are just a body to be used and discarded when you are no longer useful.

This case was a needless distraction to her. She wanted it cleared and out of the way so she could concentrate on other things. Like speaking to Admiral Halberton, most likely.

Her violet eyes gazed into my brown ones, and I knew that I was guilty until proven innocent. It was nothing personal with her. That was the way she operated. Probably had to operate that way her entire military career. Feminism is not what it was back in Anno Domini. It's much more difficult for women to move up in any of the three militaries, including Orb, creating a cutthroat atmosphere for them.

You can see the sexism in just some of the outfits that some of the women wear. Including on this very ship, actually. Flay and Miriallia's skirts are definitely not of the practical kind, they show off more than they probably should on a military vessel. Probably because I'm a GUNDAM pilot and thus in a "give her respect or we die" situation, I don't have to wear those. I wear normal-length skirts like Badgiruel and Captain Ramius. But among the rank and file, the sexism is there.

When you think about that, it makes Badgiruel's ruthlessness all the more understandable. That is, if that is the root cause of it. A couple of weeks stranded with her on a ship does not make me Badgiruel's shrink or anything like that.

Badgiruel just sighed when she saw me. "C'mon, let's get this over with. We've got better things to do right now."

Hearing her dismiss her own investigation was so bewildering I was too surprised to get angry. "What do you mean? A woman just got murdered onboard this ship!"

Badgiruel shook her head. "That's the tip of the iceberg. There's rumors of a ZAFT fleet approaching the Eighth Fleet, which we're about to link to. And then there is the civilian situation. Your precious prince won't obey his father's instructions to get the civilians off of this ship and onto a shuttle that's supposed to be prepared by the _Menelaos_."

The _Menelaos _was Admiral Halberton's flagship, that was the ship I was launching out of when doing training simulations on the Strike. It was one of the most powerful ships in the EA arsenal, but it could be beaten by the ZAFT. Any ship could.

Badgiruel leaned back in her chair, not to show carelessness but something resembling restlessness and frustration. "I have to keep the soldiers on full alert in case some of the more _impulsive _among you decide to start a riot. This murder investigation prevents me from keeping consistent contact with my troops. Plus, who knows when the ZAFT decide to attack us? The sooner this is over, the better off we will be."

I had my doubts about that, but I was in no position to argue that with her. I was on the wrong side of the table to be starting arguments.

Badgiruel looked at me then, her eyes cold once more. "Cagalli Yamato, where were you last night?"

"I was in bed in my room. Miriallia had the top bunk, and in the night Elle Eliarez, Dorothy Eliarez's daughter, came into the room and asked to sleep with me, and I said yes."

Badgiruel nodded slowly. "Well, that matches up with Elle Eliarez's account _and _Miriallia Haw's."

"You already asked her?"

"I'm the one asking the questions, Yamato, before you forget."

I guess none of my considerable questions were worth Badgiruel's precious time then.

Badgiruel sighed again. "In all honesty, Yamato, there's no way in hell you did it. You couldn't have done it without waking the daughter in the middle of the night."

I thought about Flay, about what I had thought was a small smile on her face. I could not shake the thought that it was her. But was Flay really capable of killing that woman? And why would she? There was no motive. Okay, she hated my guts and I was close to the Eliarez woman but . . .

Really, was that enough to make her kill someone? Just to get back at me? Seemed to be a little overboard.

But nothing else made any sense to me.

Badgiruel continued on. "But that fails to exempt the majority of the crew. Including your friend Miriallia, who _could _have left that room without awakening you or the girl."

I found the idea of Miriallia killing Dorothy Eliarez completely ludicrous. "Right, and who saw Miriallia leave the room?"

"Flay Allster claims she did."

Of course Flay would claim that my best friend committed the murder. That just pointed the finger more in her direction.

But before I could talk, Badgiruel spoke. And, hauntingly, it felt like she had read my mind. "Flay Allster has an alibi, she was with one of your friends, Sai Argyle. He confirmed Allster's alibi, as does another of your friends, Kuzzey Buskirk."

If it had just been Sai, I'd be willing to think he was covering for Flay. He and Flay seemed to be getting pretty close. After all, they did have an arranged marriage of sorts going on, though how likely it would be after the death of Flay's father . . . yeah.

But Kuzzey too? Maybe it wasn't Flay. I don't think Kuzzey particularly liked or disliked Flay. Why would he lie?

My thoughts turned to Miriallia. Could it really have been her?

I just couldn't think of my best friend as a murderer.

Badgiruel sighed. "Actually, it wasn't just Allster. Multiple people saw Miriallia skulking around the ship by herself, though no one actually saw her in sick bay. But right now your friend is a suspect, and probably the closest to a primary one at that."

"She's not that kind of person. There's no motive, even," I said.

"It doesn't change the fact that she was spotted by multiple people, alone, and close to sick bay. Now, granted, many of those accounts are people who are under suspicion themselves so they're being taken with a grain of salt. But Miriallia did herself admit she was alone on the ship last night, claiming to be getting a drink of water."

"Did anyone see her get water?"

"No," Badgiruel said, with finalty. "So that just shines the spotlight on her more."

"Why are you telling me this?"

Badgiruel's eyes narrowed. "Tell me _everything _you know about Miriallia Haw. Every single scrap of information you've kept in that pristine Coordinator brain of yours."

I could tell there was no way I'd be able to sneak anything past her. Badgiruel was too smart, and too "bad cop" to be messed with.

Problem is, I didn't know as much about Miriallia as I thought. I mean, I didn't even know until yesterday that she lived on New Guinea, which was pretty much the western edge of Orb territory.

The dark part of my mind said that Miriallia told me so I could have something to tell Badgiruel. But I couldn't believe it. If I did I'd lose hope in just about everyone I knew, because it meant that I had no friends, just people using me and then stabbing me in the back.

After I told Badgiruel what I knew, she nodded and told me to leave. As I left, I felt incredibly sick, overwhelmed by a nausea that wanted to make my head explode and my stomach erupt all at once. And it wasn't from spacesickness.

It was the thought, however unlikely, that my best friend was anything but.

* * *

I got desperate as the hours went by. Elle was too distraught to see anyone, or so the nurses told me, and the closer we got to the _Menelaos _the more restless the civilians were getting. By now the rumors were widespread and everyone wanted to confront Prince Kira over his apparent rebellion against his own father.

I needed to take my mind off of Miriallia and the murder, and as Elle wasn't available, that meant Kira had to serve as my stress relief.

Poor bastard.

Problem is, when a significant portion of the ship is furious with somebody it's hard to find that somebody. After all, who wants to face an angry mob? But at least searching for him kept my mind and body occupied.

It didn't take as long to find Kira as I expected. After a few minutes aimlessly wandering the corridors, I realized there was a spot that civilians weren't allowed to access. The _Archangel_'s launch bay crew was composed entirely of Earth Alliance military personnel. Most of the civilians were helping in auxiliary or medical positions, or in the guns and cannons.

So the safest and most isolated place Kira would be was most likely the cockpit of the Strike GUNDAM.

I wondered how long it would be before some of the other civilians came up with that logical deduction. It wouldn't be long, though it would help that Kira's habits of maintaining the Strike GUNDAM weren't common knowledge. But how long before someone who did know about Kira's trips to the launch bay wound up blabbing about it?

I could have anywhere from the entire day to a matter of minutes before all hell breaks loose.

Again, not like I blame people for being angry at their prince. They want to go home, and so do I. But would they really start a riot or something onboard the ship just to force Kira to give in? Orb is supposed to be a pacifistic nation, as are its citizens.

How would violence solve anything?

Just as I expected, I found Kira sitting in my cockpit, he was holding some kind of device that was plugged into the Strike's main console.

"What are you doing?"

"Relieving stress," Kira replied.

"Seriously."

Kira sighed. "I'm making a copy of the O.S. you're using. The console's going to need to be wiped because Naturals can't use it, but I'm hoping that I can modify this copy to ultimately make an improved O.S. that Naturals can use."

"What, this isn't the ZAFT O.S. anymore?" I asked.

"No. I think this could be even better than theirs," Kira said as his eyes moved back and forth, watching the screen.

I peeked at the long lines of code, as well as the progress bar. This was a _big _program, taking everything from the simulations to simple operating mechanisms and copying them all to the external drive Kira was using. And the external drive, for such a small, diminutive thing smaller than my thumb, had a ton of space. Roughly 500 GB of it, actually.

And even a drive of 500 GB could barely contain the Strike's O.S. I could scarcely imagine how much of a nightmare it was to modify this bloated program.

Kira had to be _very _good at what he did in order to keep everything straight, much less change it.

Unfortunately, one thing he _wasn't _good at was people, apparently. Otherwise, his citizens onboard this ship wouldn't be on the verge of rioting.

I tried to be tactful. "Kira, there's been rumors you're arguing with your father over the civilians. Is this true?"

Kira sighed. "Yes, they're true, Cagalli."

"Why?"

Kira couldn't quite meet my gaze. "My father's a good man. In most situations his decision would be the right one. But he isn't up here. He and the rest of the staff aren't aware what it is like to deal with a foe like Rau Le Creuset. They only know that ZAFT is coming, and the perception is there that the Earth Alliance is using Orb civilians as human shields."

"That's not true," I said. "If it weren't for the civilians the _Archangel _would hardly be functioning. We'd be dead if the civilians weren't here to help with so much."

"Most likely ZAFT operatives are putting pressure on my father and the council," Kira said. "My father wouldn't say it, but I say there's a decent change that PLANT has become aware I'm onboard the _Archangel_. The hawks have been eyeing Orb for a while, we hold a strategic location. Killing me will either draw Orb into the conflict, or if that fails, at least create the pretense for a ZAFT strike."

Patrick Zala, Athrun's father, came to mind. He was the leader of the hawks. Was he aware that I'm on this ship, too? Athrun _had _to have told him by now, wouldn't he?

Or was that just wishful thinking?

Kira yanked the drive then, and pocketed it. "I think chances are incredibly strong that Le Creuset's forces will launch an attack on Admiral Halberton to get at us."

I wanted to agree, but Le Creuset only had three ships that I knew of. I just couldn't believe that Le Creuset would have the audacity to attack an entire fleet with just three ships, though if anyone could pull it off I wouldn't be surprised if it was Le Creuset. After everything else the man already did, like lead a strike on Heliopolis and destroy it with merely a small task force.

"But Le Creuset's outnumbered. Even with superior equipment and troops they couldn't beat the EA . . . could they?" I asked.

"Le Creuset will most likely get some reinforcements, but yeah, he would still be outnumbered." But then Kira shook his head. "But it doesn't matter. He holds the game breakers, four of the five GUNDAMs. Those four GUNDAMs will cause a lot of damage and more than equalize the battle . . . they'd probably shift the battle in favor of Le Creuset. I hate to say this, but I think Admiral Halberton is a dead man."

I had never expected to hear such strong, stark words by Kira in any situation, ever. This was a young man who had been shaking like it was below zero when he had stepped in front of me to protect me from the _Archangel _guards, right when this all began.

"You can't be serious," I said.

"I am serious. And launching a defenseless shuttle when Admiral Halberton's a sitting duck is asking for a humanitarian disaster," Kira said. "I don't want the civilians released until we land in Alaska. Then I can make arrangements for a shuttle to come, pick us all up, and fly us back to Orb."

"Land in Alaska?" I asked.

"There's a fortified Earth Alliance base there," Kira said. "Good place to land as any. I think Halberton will be meeting with the officers soon to hash it out officially but that's what Lieutenant Ramius seems to be leaning towards, or so she told me, anyway."

Kira's words made sense. But they came with a horrifying undertone. Not only did it mean that we were going to be stuck on this military vessel for longer than we all thought, but . . .

"I'm going to have to fight again, aren't I?" I asked.

Kira smiled. "I hope not. I hope we'll escape before Le Creuset tears his way through the fleet."

"Then why aren't you letting us get onboard the shuttles and get out of here?" I asked.

"Because I don't think we will escape in time. Le Creuset has to know this is his last, best chance to get us. And if I'm wrong . . . then I lose a few popularity points. What matters is that we get home the safest way possible. And a defenseless shuttle is not it."

"Then instead of telling me this, why don't you tell your people?" I asked.

Kira blinked.

"Tell your people why you want them to stay on the ship for a little longer, to head down to Earth in the _Archangel _instead of in the shuttle."

Kira made a "tch" noise and shook his head. "I already know what they're thinking. They're mad as hell. They won't listen to me."

"Who says they won't? They'll ignore you only if you ignore them, which is what you're doing," I said. "Look, the situation's going to boil over before we descend into the atmosphere. Tell everyone why you're making this decision. You have to do this. You're a politician, not just a mechanic. Talk to your people."

"But-"

"_I'm _the political science major, Kira. You are committing a basic fundamental blunder by not communicating with your people. Now tell your people that you want to meet them somewhere, even if it's right here in the launch bay, and you'll explain your decision to them and answer all of their questions and concerns."

"Uh . . ."

"You know I'm right, Kira."

Kira gave me an uneasy smile. "Remind me to hire you as my political adviser once you graduate."

That just made me laugh. "I wish. Good luck to me in that area. I don't think I'm going back home."

Kira raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"You really think the Earth Alliance is going to let me, a Coordinator, slip through? What if I use Orb as a waypoint to get to ZAFT so I can fight them? They don't trust me at all."

Kira put a hand on my shoulder. "That will not happen. You're one of my citizens too. I'll make sure you get home."

"You sure about that?"

Kira smiled. "Yeah. I'll make the big speech and make sure you come home with us, but only if you promise to graduate so you can become my adviser."

"Do I get a choice?"

"I'm the son of the Lion of Orb. You decide that for yourself. You think there is a choice?"

I peered into his violet eyes, and I realized I truly could not read this guy. "I have no idea if you're joking or being serious."

Kira laughed. "So, I finally got you at something!"

"Oh, shut up."

He just laughed again.

* * *

I didn't hang around while Kira made his big speech towards all of the Orb civilians onboard. I knew people weren't going to be happy and he was going to be bombarded with hostile, accusatory questions and comments. At this point, I wanted to be alone, and try to think.

I managed to get a brief encounter with Mu La Flaga, who seemed to be in a rush. He said "We're linked with Halberton's main force. He's boarding his ship to meet with us privately. I'm sorry, I can't really say anything more."

I let him go, but now I felt oddly alone.

Would Kira's authority really be enough to keep me from the Earth Alliance's grasp? It wasn't Ramius who was the problem, or La Flaga, or even Admiral Halberton. Halberton had a reputation of being an honorable, upstanding individual, though that could be just a persona he put on. But I couldn't find anything to contradict that reputation.

The person I was worried about was Natarle Badgiruel. She was the cold, calculating one. She's the one who practically directed me into the GUNDAM's seat in the first place. And she had shown that she would directly rebel against her commander's orders to do what she felt was the sensible thing, regardless of personal feelings or emotions.

I was nothing but a weapon to her. A weapon slipping from her grasp. She had practically made that clear to me during her quick interrogation. She didn't give a damn about me personally, she just wanted me cleared so I could fight again. She wants me in the EA military for the long haul.

I didn't want to believe that. But that perception haunted me. I wanted to find out where the meeting was being held so I could try to eavesdrop, but I had no clue where that was.

I became so bored and nervous at the same time that I decided I was going to set out and try to find the meeting room. I retraced La Flaga's path, and took wild guesses where to go.

Ramius was not a traditional commander. During our meetings on the bridge she never had guards posted outside to block people. I guess by making people assemble in unguarded areas she assumed people would skip the area and go elsewhere. I found it an unresponsible, rookie mistake, but then again what do I know? I'm not majoring in military affairs and operations. I'm not a soldier.

But as I floated through the hallways, my hand firmly on the railing, I saw a figure that was all too familiar to me.

Next to a kind-looking female officer was the little girl I had spent the night with. Elle Eliarez, the daughter of the recently deceased Dorothy Eliarez.

I thought about turning away and trying to hide, but I chose not to. That would be the cowardly thing to do. Why hide in shame, and act like I'm guilty? I did not kill her mother and there was no way for me to prevent her death. If someone onboard truly did want to kill her, there was nothing I could have done to stop her. There was no way I could have known she was in danger.

How would I?

Why would someone hate her so much that they would kill her? Or was it because that someone hated _me_?

Whatever the cause, that someone had ripped Elle's life to shreds. The girl, for all practical purposes, was an orphan, unless her father was somewhere. I had never asked if she had a father.

But if she did have a father, he was not onboard this ship.

Then who would take responsibility for this child?

I knew the answer to that before I even finished asking the question. Melanie was already partially my responsibility. Now I had to take full responsibility. I stood no chance of replacing her mother and filling that void, but she needed some kind of guidance. Someone watching over her so she wasn't alone.

So, after my brief moment of indecision, I approached the female officer and Melanie in the hallway.

The female officer smiled sadly at me. "Elle here's been looking for you for a while now. No one knew where you ran off too, Cagalli."

I felt weird that she knew my name but I didn't know hers. "Uh, thanks. I was . . . just in the launch bay."

"No wonder we couldn't find you." The female officer rubbed Melanie's shoulder softly. "Here's Cagalli, Elle. Is there anything you want to say, or are you okay?"

"I'm okay," Melanie said softly.

I bent down in front of her. Her head was down, her eyes hidden by her bangs. I couldn't tell whether she was going to break down and cry or attack me. The fact that I couldn't tell the difference was unnerving. I closed my eyes and braced myself for Melanie slapping me, pulling my hair, punching me somewhere . . . anything that resembled physical abuse.

But none of that happened.

Elle quietly, gently, put her arms around me and leaned against my shoulder. She began to sniff, began to cry softly. I realized that Elle wasn't going to do anything to hurt me, and it took me a moment to return her embrace.

"I'm here," I whispered, having no idea what else to say. "I'm here."

"Don't leave me too," Elle quietly sobbed. "Please."

"I won't," I said. "I won't. I'll bring you home, Elle."

She didn't answer me. In a way, I felt guilty, Elle just seemed incredibly, impossibly, forgiving for what had happened to her mother. She was just a child. How could she know enough not to blame me for what happened to her?

Maybe she just didn't want to be alone and was afraid that if she blamed me that would be her fate.

I knew then my place wasn't eavesdropping on the meeting with Admiral Halberton, wherever it was. I had taken on responsibility, and now I had to see it through. My own desires and questions needed to be set aside in favor of this young girl.

But that didn't mean that I wasn't unhappy. I needed my questions answered. I needed to know what Badgiruel truly thought of me. I needed to know if I was thought of as a person, or as a _thing_, by the Earth Alliance.

It was small comfort that Elle Eliarez thought of me as a person.

But it was comforting nevertheless.

I did not let myself leave her side as the ship came to rest in lower Earth orbit.


	19. Vessels

JC: Actually, I was wondering if I've been too pro-_Earth Alliance_ so far. I guess judging by your comment I haven't been. :p Seriously, I don't see how I've been pro-PLANTs. Do you want to elaborate on that?

shadowrose12: In the words of one of my writing idols, Greg Weisman: "SPOILER REQUEST. NO COMMENT". XD

animefan29: Thank you, I'm glad you liked it. I think I go a little bit too much into Cagalli's ramblings at times. For some reason she's a rambler in my head. Dunno why.

star12: Rinse and repeat "SPOILER REQUEST. NO COMMENT". Seriously, I can't spoil things for you guys, not if you want to stay interested! XD

Light-Sakura: I will correct the issue in the previous chapter as well as making sure it doesn't arise in this one. I have no clue why it's been happening.

DevilGirl101: Cagalli's meeting with Athrun will happen sooner than you may think. ;)

This is the penultimate chapter of part 1. Chapter 20, which has already been completed, will conclude part 1. It will be a doozy, I promise you. ^^

Chapter 20 will come next Monday. Please be patient until then.

* * *

**Chapter Nineteen: Vessels**

This was a day of good news and bad news. The good news was that no riot broke out onboard, Kira was able to diffuse the situation before it got any worse.

And . . . I can't think of much else. I think it might've been the only bit of good news the entire day.

I guess this means the day pretty much sucked.

It started in the cafeteria. Some of the civilians were in there, and they were talking about Kira's speech. They were not happy, but they were reluctantly accepting. After all, they were going to go home eventually anyway? They just had to wind up in cold, bitter Alaska first.

As I tried to eat the lackluster grub passing as a meal, Badgiruel approached me. She was holding a large stack of papers and put one at my place at the table.

"What's this?" I asked.

"You hold onto that. You're going to need to sign that the moment we land in Alaska," Badgiruel replied.

I took a look, and it took me all of five seconds to figure it out. "Discharge papers?"

"It's illegal for civilians to participate in military action in all circumstances," Badgiruel replied. "Because of the necessity, however . . . we arranged to have every Orb civilian who participated in the fighting, however minor, to have retroactively enlisted in the Earth Alliance military before the destruction of Heliopolis."

"_Every _civilian?" I asked.

"Yes. Including your Prince Kira. He had quite an unpleasant look on his face when he got handed his papers." I saw a small wisp of a smile subtly cross Badgiruel's face. It was a stunning sight, I had never seen her smile at anything, much less have what appeared to be a small amount of amusement.

"Wow," was all I could think of to say.

"Don't sign it until we land. Just store it in a safe place where you can find it quickly. We don't have enough copies to have backup papers for everybody," Badgiruel said, and just like that, she left.

I looked at the discharge papers. I had never considered myself part of the military, but they thought differently.

I wondered how difficult it had been for Badgiruel to hand me this sheet of paper, knowing full well I was going to slip away.

Maybe Halberton or Ramius gave Badgiruel this duty on purpose, just to remind her she wasn't in charge.

At that moment, though, Elle began choking her food and I had to help her spit it out.

One thing at a time, I guess. One thing at a time.

But I pocketed my discharge papers. No matter what happened, I was keeping them on me. There was no way I was going to stay on this ship after Alaska, no matter what. The moment I was on Alaskan soil these papers were being signed and I was getting the hell off this ship, Elle in tow. Hopefully my parents wouldn't mind me picking up a little sister along the way. At least poor Elle would have a home of some kind, now.

Now my job was to bring Elle there.

That meant I couldn't die. How the hell else would Elle make it there?

As we left the cafeteria, though, I didn't go far before bumping into an older man who I had never seen before on this ship.

He was taller than me, looked to be in his late thirties. He had blue eyes, blond hair, a fair, gentle face that suggested something fatherly and intelligent.

It occurred to me that I was staring at Lewis Halberton.

It took me a moment to break out of my shock and salute him. "Admiral Halberton, sir! I'm sorry for getting in your-"

He raised his hand, and a small smile crossed his face. "It's all right. Accidents happen."

He looked at me, and then at the little girl. He sighed wistfully. "I never thought I would see the day a young girl like her would be on a military ship."

Elle responded to that by cowering behind me. She seemed to be doing that a lot. Just seemed to be afraid of people in general.

"It wasn't her idea," I said.

"I would hope not," Halberton said. He looked back at me, a slightly uncomfortable look on his face. "You are Cagalli Yamato, correct?"

"Uh, yes, sir."

He nodded. "Lieutenant Ramius told me you were young."

He paused for a little bit, clearly searching for the right words to say. "A lot of people would call me a fool for not forcing you to remain the pilot of the Strike GUNDAM and send you in military operations. But you are just a child. You shouldn't be forced to experience war."

He paused again. "Then again, judging by Lieutenant Ramius' account, you have experienced war. Plenty of it. Am I correct?"

"Yes, sir," I said.

"Did you have any questions about what you were fighting for, Cagalli Yamato?"

That was a strange question to ask me, but as I thought about how to reply, it occurred to me that despite my questions about Athrun and everything else, I knew what I had to do. I never considered betraying the _Archangel _at all.

"No. I was fighting to protect this ship and everyone onboard. Until we land in Alaska that will remain my objective, sir. I've made a lot of promises to people, I'm not going to break them."

He smiled. "That's good. You've heard the old saying of the 'fog of war', I'm glad you have some clarity about what you are doing. There isn't enough of that in war."

"What do you mean, sir?"

"It must be difficult for you to fight against your own kind. If the first thing you did upon returning to Orb was take the first flight to the PLANTs to enlist in the ZAFT forces I would not blame you at all."

"I can't do that. Again, I've made promises. I have too many friends here, too many people who need me. Also, frankly, the reason I'm in Orb was to stay out of the war. I have no interest in fighting for either side," I said.

"You have strong convictions . . ." Halberton sighed. "I wish I could continue this conversation, but I must return to my own ship. I am glad I was able to speak with you, however briefly."

He paused, and then he smiled. "If it means anything, I have arranged for all of the volunteering Orb civilians be given a military rank until your landing in Alaska. As you are a pilot, that makes you an officer, _Ensign _Yamato. Handle your responsibility well."

It took me a moment to realize I needed to thank him and fast. "Uh, thank you very much, sir! It's an honor."

"Good luck to you, Ensign."

And then he left, moving past me and down the hallway, presumably heading for the launch bay in order to return to the _Menelaos_.

_I'm an officer._

I found that so difficult to believe.

* * *

I left Elle in my room for a little while, as I wanted to see my friends and I wasn't allowed to bring a civilian onto the bridge with me. Just as I expected, they were indeed at the bridge. Tolle was there, along with Sai, Kuzzey, and Miriallia. Only Murrue Ramius was there out of the senior officers, the others were apparently on break other than the helmsman, Arnold Neumann.

There wasn't a lot going on, apparently, so no one really cared when I showed up. I did notice that my friends had military rank markings on their uniforms now.

Ramius smiled at me. "Oh, Cagalli. I was told to give this to you."

She handed me a pair of yellow stripes. "Put these on the collars of your uniform. Congratulations on your new promotion."

"Hey," Tolle protested. "How come Cagalli gets something on her collar while the rest of us don't?"

"Cagalli's a pilot. Pilots have to be commissioned officers, it's always been that way," Murrue said, as she pinned the small strips to my collar. It felt embarrassing but I didn't protest. Better her doing than me, when I could wind up struggling to put those things on for hours.

"Wait, that means Cagalli outranks us," Kuzzey said.

There was a brief silence before Ramius spoke. "That's right, she's an Ensign. The lowest rank for an officer but still an officer."

"Aw man," Tolle whined from the front of the ship. "I only made Seaman Second Class."

"I made Seaman First Class," Miriallia said proudly.

"That was my rank too," Kuzzey said.

I looked at Sai. "Yours?"

"Seaman Second Class," Sai said softly. "Same as Tolle and Flay."

"Wait, _Flay _got a rank too?" I asked.

Ramius sighed. "When Lt. Commander Badgiruel put her into that uniform, that made her a volunteer too."

"But she doesn't fight," I said.

Ramius looked at me evenly. "It is not every soldier's responsibility to fight. Many do important work behind the lines, supporting those who do fight. Even with modern technology handling much of the support work, there still needs to be a human element to that network. Flay Allster is best suited to being part of that network."

_Aka, that means she's scrubbing toilets for the rest of her stay here, _I thought. At least, if Badgiruel was still in charge of handing out duties to everyone.

But then, something in Ramius' words made a light turn on in my brain. "Wait . . . you just said _Lieutenant Commander _Badgiruel. I thought she was an Ensign."

Ramius smiled. "Admiral Halberton promoted _everyone_. I am officially a Captain. Mu La Flaga is now a Lieutenant Commander like Badgiruel, though pilots' ranks work differently than ship ranks, Badgiruel actually outranks La Flaga now. Most everyone else got promoted at least one rank to go with their increased responsibilities, and Halberton was able to arrange a small transfer of additional personnel. The ship's going to need it when the Orb civilians finally leave."

"Wow," I just said. "Admiral Halberton must be amazing to pull all of that off."

Ramius just laughed. "Admirals can promote whoever they want, it's not that big of a deal, _Ensign _Yamato."

She was already beginning to address me by my rank. I hoped it wouldn't be that way for long. I didn't want to think or feel like a soldier. Getting an actual rank put me one step closer to being an official soldier, fighting for the Earth Alliance instead of being an Orb civilian.

How long before my Orb civilian identity was gone?

"How many people are coming?" I asked.

"Halberton was able to free up twenty noncommissioned to assist with maintenance, security, and supplies," Ramius said. "Some airborne Skygrasper fighters were delivered to us too, but we have nobody to fly them except La Flaga. We're going to need to wait at least one more day for pilots, and that's time none of us are sure we have. "

"Skygraspers?" I asked, sounding dumber than I intended.

"They're the most advanced version of a classic airborne fighter plane," Ramius said. "They're armed enough to be classified as Mobile Armors, and have air-to-air and air-to-ground capabilities. Pretty decent equipment, but they can't be operated in outer space."

"I've always liked those old fighter planes," Tolle said. "If they're anything like those old planes I'd like a chance to fly them."

That was a big _no _according to me. I was stressed enough by the battles I had already fought. I didn't want the weight of Tolle being out there on my back. Granted, we were just heading to Alaska and going home, but if anything went wrong, if the ship just went a little off course . . .

"Aren't you doing a good job here?" I asked, trying to be as diplomatic as possible.

"Apparently no," Tolle said. "Not if I'm Second Class."

Ramius turned towards Tolle and smiled. "Part of it was that you were shot on Artemis. You didn't have much of an opportunity to show what you can do, and your shoulder is still sore, I'm sure."

Tolle looked down, and I could see in his eyes that he knew Ramius was right.

Ramius said "The pay between Seaman First and Second Classes isn't that much different. I wouldn't worry too much about it."

"Yeah, but Cagalli's like going to be rolling in cash," Kuzzey said.

"Ensigns don't make a lot of money either by officer standards. Also, you need to remember that this pay is coming from the day before Heliopolis to the moment you sign those discharge papers. That's only for a couple of weeks. Your paychecks will be quite small."

"Well, when you put it that way . . ." Kuzzey said, clearly disappointed.

"You kids did well. You helped us survive out there behind enemy lines, in an environment when our own allies turned against us. You all should be proud of what you've done."

"Thank you, ma'am," Miriallia said.

I eyed her for just a second. Was this girl really the primary suspect in a murder case? Why was she being left on the bridge, serving right under Badgiruel's nose? Maybe it was so Badgiruel could keep a better eye on her? Or was this some convoluted plan by Badgiruel to use Miriallia as bait to find the _real _killer?

So many questions that I might never get the chance to answer.

Suddenly, the alarm sounded. It was like a switch flipped inside Ramius, that turned her from this motherly figure into someone firm, projecting authority and command. She looked at Kuzzey. "Why is the proximity alarm going off?"

"Uh, um . . ." Kuzzey paused. "It looks like we got ZAFT vessels approaching! Enough for a fleet!"

_Rau Le Creuset_, I thought. It had to be him. It figured he would strike now. This was his last chance to get us. And he had brought enough ships to do it, unless Kuzzey was exaggerating.

"Understood," Ramius said, and she got on the com. "We have enemy ships approaching! All hands, assume primary battle stations!"

"We have an emergency transmission from the _Menelaos_!" Kuzzey shouted.

"Bring it onscreen," Ramius said.

Seconds later, the familiar, paternal mug of Admiral Halberton appeared onscreen. Like Ramius, he was projecting authority now, there was no questioning his command. _"Captain Ramius, head to the rear of the fleet. You will not be participating in this battle. Instead, you will prepare for re-entry. That's an order."_

"But sir!" Ramius was cut off as she began her protest.

_"It is not your responsibility to engage the enemy! We will not let them pass! Just concentrate on re-entry and making it to Alaska! Over and out!"_

Just like that, he was gone, leaving us with a static-filled screen.

Arnold Neumann looked at Ramius. "What should we do?"

Ramius bit her lip, and then took a deep breath. "We follow his orders. Pilot the ship to the rear, and prepare the re-entry sequence."

She looked at me. "You get on standby with the Strike, Ensign Yamato. Hopefully we won't have to launch you but if something happens before we enter the Earth's atmosphere . . ."

I got her implications. "I'm on my way. Good luck, everyone."

I left them there, and I suddenly had the weird feeling that I was just a little bit heavier than I was before.

Maybe we were being affected by Earth's gravity already, or maybe it was just my imagination.

Or maybe it was just the realization that, once again, everyone's lives rested with me.

What a cross to bear.

My necessary albatross.

* * *

The launch bay was bustling back and forth, but I was really surprised to see Kira sitting inside the Strike's cockpit yet again, messing around with something.

"What are you doing?" I asked. "We don't have time for this!"

"I was calibrating the Strike's specs to fight an atmospheric battle," Kira said. "As it is, I wouldn't recommend using anything other than the Sword Pack. The rifles will burn up in the atmosphere for sure, or at least melt. But you can put the swords away, which will protect them."

"Lovely," I said. I realized how rude I was sounding and said "Sorry. I'm just thinking about me descending into the atmosphere and the _guns _are what you're worried about."

"Actually, theoretically, the Strike is supposed to be able to handle re-entry," Kira said as he stepped out of the cockpit.

I tossed my helmet into the cockpit and turned around at him. "You're serious? It can survive entering the atmosphere?"

"_Theoretically_," Kira repeated. "It hasn't been tested yet. We don't know if it actually can."

_That's reassuring_, I almost said sarcastically and just barely bit back. Instead, I said "So, what do I do if the _Archangel _and I get separated?"

Kira sighed. "I honestly don't know. This is completely new to me. I never thought the Strike would have its re-entry capabilities tested so soon. Again, it's supposed to be able to make a solo landing, unlike the Moebius Zero and all the other Mobile Armors. But the Strike isn't what I'm worried about. It's _you_."

"Me?" I asked.

Kira nodded. "The heat and turbulence of re-entry will be a lot more severe in the Strike than it is in the _Archangel_. The cockpit has some insulation but I don't know if it's enough to keep you from being cooked. If you have to make a solo landing I would _highly _recommend you falling back-first and turning off the engines. That'll keep the engines from exploding and not expose you to as much friction. But I don't know if that'll be enough."

"So, basically, my best way of surviving re-entry is not actually re-entering," I said.

Kira gave me a nervous grin. "Yeah, pretty much."

"You're a big help."

Kira looked hurt, and not in a joking way either. "I'm sorry. I'm doing the best that I can do."

Again, I felt guilty over snapping at him. "No, no, you're right. I'm just stressed out. I don't want to burn up in the atmosphere."

"Well, if things go well, you might not even have to launch," Kira said. He reached and patted me on the shoulder as I sat down in the chair. "If you have to launch, good luck. If it means anything, I don't think it's your destiny to die right here."

"I sure hope not." I paused. I didn't want Kira to go away just yet, even though I knew he had to. I liked having someone to talk to right now, and there was this peculiar sense of familiarity that made me want to stay by him.

"Out of curiosity, what's your rank?"

"My rank?" Kira asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Admiral Halberton gave all of the Orb citizens military ranks until we make it to Alaska. You got a rank too, didn't you?"

Kira blinked, and then he looked away, his face flushed. "Petty Officer."

"Not bad, but not good enough. I'm an Ensign. And you know what that means?"

Kira looked mortified. "Aw, no."

"I get to give orders to the Prince of Orb."

Kira, judging from the look on his face, couldn't decide whether to be embarrassed, to laugh, or to be afraid. It looked like a draw, which gave his face a really amusing expression. "Oh, boy."

"And my first order is this," I began. By that point, I had dropped the joking sound in my voice. Something occurred to me as I started joking about my authority, and it wasn't good.

"Please go to my room. There's a girl there, Elle Eliarez. Keep an eye on her until I come back, okay?"

Kira blinked again, and then he nodded. "Oh wait, the girl. Yeah, I'll do that, Cagalli."

"Thank you," I said. "Now you should probably get out of here."

Kira nodded. "I will. Again, good luck. I hope you won't have to launch. See you soon."

"See ya."

Kira slammed the cockpit shut, and that left me alone in my little cage. I put my helmet on and stared at my console. Any moment now, I could be ordered to go out and fight despite us trying to re-enter the atmosphere.

That was nerve-wracking, even more than my previous battles. Kira's words hadn't reassured me at all. I didn't want to die, especially not by burning up in the atmosphere. There's much quicker, less painful ways to go than that. Dying that way would just be . . .

Just be a dumb joke by God, by Haumea, or by whatever god or gods there is or are.

I turned on my radio communications, and brought Miriallia onto the screen. I couldn't stand not knowing what's going on. "Miri, what's happening up there?"

_"The battle's just begun. Badgiruel says the fleet is forming a phalanx formation to meet ZAFT head-on. Don't ask me what that means."_

I knew what a phalanx was. "The phalanx is a-"

Badgiruel interrupted. _"They're basically forming in close order to force ZAFT to run through them to get to us. It's a high-risk formation. Right now, just from my observation, it doesn't look to be paying off. The phalanx doesn't take GUNDAMs into account, unfortunately."_

That wasn't what I wanted to hear. "How bad is it getting?"

_"That's something I don't have concrete information on yet,"_ Badgiruel said. _"Stay on standby. Hopefully we won't have to send you and La Flaga out."_

I didn't like that answer either. That just made me more nervous. I wanted to know, one way or another, whether I was going to be heading out there. It would be less terrifying in a way to know for sure that I had to go. That would take the suspense out of it. Then I'd just have to survive.

But still, staying in here for the ride down to Earth was preferable to fighting. _Please Admiral Halberton, hold on. Keep them back._

But my hopes were ultimately dashed. Badgiruel came back on the line. _"We've lost approximately half the fleet. The GUNDAMs are breaking through the final defensive line, supported by what we believe to be the _Gamow_. La Flaga, Yamato, we need to launch both of you and hold off the GUNDAM machines before we reach the atmospheric entry threshold."_

"Uh, what's an atmospheric entry threshold?" I asked.

La Flaga answered me. _"It's the limit as to how close we can get to Earth before its gravity becomes so strong that we can't break free of it. The moment we cross the threshold, we better be ready to start the re-entry process or we're in serious trouble."_

_"The plan is simple,"_ Badgiruel said. _"The two of you go out with five minutes to go before the threshold and hold the enemy back. At one minute to go, retreat to us and get inside the launch bay at all costs. I don't know if the GUNDAM can tolerate re-entry for a while, but I know for the fact that the Zero can't."_

"Prince Kira told me the Strike can handle a solo landing," I said.

Badgiruel raised an eyebrow. _"Uh huh. I bet they haven't tested it, Ensign."_

I couldn't help but grin sheepishly. "He admitted it to my face that there's been no tests."

_"Then you're coming in with La Flaga. No ifs, ands, or buts. Got it?"_

"Yes, ma'am," I said. Not like I wanted to try re-entry anyway. I made a mental note to start a stopwatch on the console. I was no programmer but surely I could get a timer going.

After what seemed to be an eternity, I did get a timer set. I breathed a sigh of relief and looked at the unmoving 5:00:00. Five minutes, zero seconds, zero tenths and hundredths of seconds.

That was all I was going to get.

Miriallia this time. "_"They've broken through the final defensive line. It looks like the Duel and Buster are taking the lead, with Aegis and Blitz not far behind."_

I thought I had badly damaged the Duel. How could they have repaired it so quickly? And I heard the pilot scream in agony, I had wounded _him_, too. How had he recovered so quickly? PLANT technology could accelerate the healing process but I don't think that it could heal the pilot's injuries in just two days or so.

Unless, of course, this was a different pilot. But my gut was telling me it wasn't.

Badgiruel leaned over Miriallia's shoulder. _"La Flaga, Yamato, both of you going out. Strike takes the lead, followed by the Zero. Ensign Yamato, take your spot and prepare for launch."_

"Yes, ma'am," I managed, despite my stomach suddenly feeling sick.

I positioned the Strike on the catapult, and took a deep breath as the launch bay depressurized and opened.

_I'm so gonna die._

I prepared the acceleration. "This is Cagalli Yamato. Well, I mean, _Ensign _Cagalli Yamato, piloting the Strike GUNDAM."

I paused, as I suddenly saw something I never saw before. I could see the thin outline of the blue skies of Earth, right below the endless sea of stars I had seen for such a long time when launching the Strike before. It was breathtaking.

I shook my head and forced myself not to think about it. The Earth could very well wind up killing me. This was the worst possible time to admire the beautiful world who was home to my nation.

I activated the timer. Five minutes. I only needed to be out there for five minutes. I can manage that surely, right?

I hit the accelerator. "I'm sorry. This is Cagalli Yamato, launching! See you soon!"

The Strike GUNDAM rushed out of the launch bay and I found myself suspended in outer space once again, but this time right above the Earth.

If everything went well, this was going to be my final flight.

If everything went badly, this was going to be my final flight.

Either way, this was the end of my time in the Strike.

Five minutes. That's all. I can surely fight for five minutes and then go home and pretend this horrible experience never happened, right?

But as I looked out, and saw the Duel and Buster approaching, something occurred to me.

Time flies when you're having fun.

This was going to be the exact opposite of fun.

This was going to be the longest five minutes of my life.


	20. War

animefan29: I agree with you. Cagalli's concern isn't really to redeem herself, and in canon that was never her intention. Her concern is the present, the right-now. This approach has its own flaws but it makes her mentally a better fighter (even if she lacks Kira's skill).

Rycr: Thank you for your review. I'm glad you're enjoying the differences between this and canon, though they are about to become magnified. Hopefully the story will remain enjoyable anyway . . .

Light-Sakura: . . . Man, something else I have to fix. I don't know why my transfers from Microsoft Word to FF always go awry, and I always miss something . . . glad you enjoyed the chapter though!

372259: Whoa that's a mouthful. XD Glad you like things so far!

Achilles101: Wow, what an amazing review. Thank you so much! I'm really trying to get inside Cagalli's head and hint at things that might come in subtle ways, while also showing that yeah, Cagalli may or not be suppressing something or another. It's really hard to pull off in the first person and I hope things stay executed well. Glad you're enjoying things so far!

* * *

**Chapter Twenty: War**

I couldn't believe that the Duel and Buster had gotten through Halberton's fleet so easily. They just swatted all of those ships away like they were oversize insects. Nothing the ships had could match the GUNDAMs' maneuverabilities. They could dodge the flak like it wasn't even there.

These pilots were the ones I would be fighting for less than five minutes. The ones named Dearka and, if he was in there, Yzak. They seemed to be the most bloodthirsty of Athrun's little thieving group, at least judging by my short impressions on them. This was going to be anything _but_fun.

I didn't have my rifle. All I had were my swords. I ignited them and charged right at the Duel, who did the exact same thing I did, draw swords.

I got interrupted on the public channel right away. I had a feeling that it was the Duel's pilot, but curiosity won out and suddenly, I was staring at the face of a bandaged, clearly-in-pain young man.

_"You _bitch_, I swear I'm going to kill you, right here, right now, or die trying!" _the young man I only knew as "Yzak" shouted.

He aimed his rifle at me and began shooting. I raised the Strike's shield and absorbed the blows, and he came shooting past me, probably faster than he intended. He cursed and struggled to turn his machine around, and I realized how much of a benefit Kira's adjustments had been.

The Strike was already feeling heavier and heavier. I felt gravity, _real _gravity, assert itself slowly, gradually, over me. It was a strange sensation, and made me feel like I was twice as heavy than normal. This was going to affect me too, but Kira had made sure it wouldn't hamper me as much as the other side.

Thirty seconds had gone by. Mu La Flaga had launched in the Moebius Zero, and my sensors said he was engaged with the Buster. This left the Duel to me. Neither Athrun or his friend, the Blitz pilot, were close enough to be factors yet.

But I knew they would be. Athrun at least. This was his last chance to try to get me as well. If I went down to Earth, there'd be no way for him to try to convince me to go with him, go to the ZAFT.

I hadn't fulfilled my promise yet, and I had no interest in being further involved in the war. I was staying in Orb until this thing was over. I had played my tiny role, and it was ending within the next four minutes as far as I knew.

I heard Mu La Flaga. _"Princess, you may not need to destroy the machines. Just disable them. If you can knock out power to their engines, they'll be helpless. If you can't kill them do that, it's basically the same thing at this point."_

"Yes, sir. And for the absolute final time, don't call me-"

My reply was cut off by another bloodthirsty scream by "Yzak". I had forgotten I was still connected to the public channel even though I was communicating with La Flaga.

_"I will not be toyed with, Strike!"_He came charging at me, firing wildly, but I could see he had slowed down. It was becoming more difficult for him to accelerate out of the Earth's gravity. Soon, it would become impossible.

_He's making this way too easy. _I raised the Strike's sword as Yzak accelerated the Duel right at me, and he barely corrected himself in time to avoid getting sliced in half. I was, however, able to cut right through the Duel's rifle, and it exploded in the Duel's hands, knocking him off balance.

Actually, _Kira _had made this way too easy. While I had beaten the Duel before, "Yzak" was a good enough pilot to make it a challenge. But Kira's mechanical adjustments had compensated for the increasingly heavy gravity. The adjustments wouldn't hold out forever before the gravity would become too strong, but for now, I had a definitive advantage. And ZAFT had forgotten to make the same adjustments to the Duel.

Why, I didn't know. Maybe they figured that the Duel wouldn't be in action right now. After all, who in their right minds would let a pilot fly with just one eye? Maybe this was against orders, an act of insubordination, and as a result "Yzak" was fighting with a GUNDAM ill-prepared for these conditions.

I charged after him. I was going to knock him out of the battle right here and now. If he kept fighting when he was down to three limbs, maybe even two . . . then there'd be nothing anyone could do for him. He'd be too far gone.

The Duel spun around, its sword in the process of being drawn. But it was much too slow. I could kill the Duel if I wanted to. Slice it right in the middle, through the cockpit, cleave the machine and its pilot in half.

It was tempting, but I forced myself not to give in and kill him. The war was _over _for me. I had killed enough people already. The war didn't need yet another casualty.

But as I prepared for the wounding strike, several shots came between me and "Yzak", and I forced the Strike to spin to the right.

It was the Aegis, in its Mobile Armor mode. And it was _fast_.

_"Cagalli, what the hell are you doing out here?"_

"Athrun, the _Archangel _is still under my protection. You shouldn't be surprised at all!"

_"My father promised me . . ." _He trailed off.

"Promised you what, Athrun?"

_"Will you two damn lovebirds shut up already!"_

_"Yzak, wait!" _Athrun cried, but here was the Duel charging right at me. I was still facing Athrun, being able to launch a counter-strike against the Duel was impossible, even with Kira's adjustments the Strike felt slow, bloated. It was like I was in slow-motion and the Duel was in lethargic-motion.

Controlling the Strike hadn't been this difficult since my first battle on the ground, fighting that lone GINN.

I barely got my sword up in time to deflect the Duel's strike, and then we began falling closer and closer to Earth, slashing at each other, but I could not get a kill strike.

In the distance, two ships were falling into the atmosphere. One didn't look Earth Alliance, while the other did. I couldn't focus on either of them, but both ships were blasting the hell out of each other, and both were turning a scintillating red that was almost the color of blood as they began to hit the atmosphere.

I briefly wondered what those two ships were before "Yzak" came right at me again.

His machine was beginning to glow red as well. I was pretty sure mine was doing the same. The cockpit was also beginning to get hot. We were definitely hitting the atmosphere now.

I looked at my timer. Less than two minutes. I was really starting to cut it close before I had to fall back.

Athrun flew around us, clearly indecisive as to what to do. I couldn't get a read on either the Blitz or Buster, my sensors beyond the immediate area were becoming increasingly fried, though it looked like the ZAFT had managed to overwhelm the Eighth fleet, though at a cost, a cost dear enough to almost be a Pyrrhic victory.

The two ships falling into the atmosphere continued to shoot, until the one that looked ZAFT-ish suddenly crumbled and exploded. For a second, I felt elated, the other ship had won! The good guys had emerged victorious!

Then, in a sight not altogether different from the _Montgomery_, the Earth Alliance ship split in half and began burning into a crisp, disintegrating at a pace faster and faster by the second. Then I saw the bridge, wrapped in flame, and I knew who the ship was.

I recognized it from the simulators I had flown.

The _Menelaos_.

It was dying in front of my eyes, and I was helpless to stop it, helpless to save Admiral Halberton, helpless to save anyone.

I heard another vicious scream from "Yzak" and I deflected him yet again. The momentum sent him spiraling away, and I got a good look at the flaming _Menelaos _just before it finally exploded, and the remaining shards quickly shriveled into dust.

The Eighth Fleet had been slaughtered to a man to protect one single ship, and one single Mobile Suit.

Were we really so valuable that our survival equalled the loss of an entire fleet? That this hodge-podge group of soldiers and civilians from all over the world could somehow make up for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of professional soldiers?

Were we really worth all of their deaths?

All I knew was that if their deaths were to mean anything at all, we had to land in Alaska. I could worry about living up my debt to them later.

I looked at my clock. One minute, seven seconds. I had to head back.

"Athrun," I said, "I don't know if you're listening, but we're approaching the threshold. Unless you and your buddy want to be dragged along with us you better get out of here."

Silence.

I heard Mu La Flaga then. _"Princess, the Buster ain't returning home. I'm heading back to the _Archangel_ right now!"_

My sensors suggested that Buster was still alive, but I realized that La Flaga was saying that the Buster was beyond the threshold. Earth's gravity had a firm grip on it, and there was no escaping it now. And I was getting awfully close to that point, and so were Athrun and the Duel's pilot.

Whether the Buster would burn up or not was largely up to fate, and if the GUNDAMs were as sturdy as Kira thought.

"I'm on it, sir." I turned and accelerated towards the _Archangel_. With the Earth's gravity pulling me in, the Strike was moving faster than I thought possible. The G forces had me pressed against my seat so hard I could barely keep my hand on the control stick. Realizing I was going to have to brake, I slowed down quickly, before I wound up doing an unintentional kamakaze on the ship I was trying to save.

My sensors beeped. I was beyond the threshold, there was no going back to space for me. And a good thing too, after the last two weeks or so I had no desire to ever see space again.

But then I heard a different beeping, one that suggested danger beyond burning up in the atmosphere. And it was coming _fast_.

The Duel was coming right at me full speed, its acceleration assisted by the Earth's gravity.

The pilot's words were so angry and bitter I could almost see the emotions radiating off of him. _"I'm not letting you get away, Strike! If I'm dying here, you're coming with me!"_

He crashed into me and we rocketed into the atmosphere. It felt like my cockpit temperature had shot up forty degrees at once. I felt like I was going to drown inside my sweat.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the clock ticking down. Thirty-two seconds.

I had to defeat the Duel _now_.

To my relief, Athrun seemed to have decided that discretion meant more than me. He was hovering just beyond the edge of the threshold, in a holding pattern, clearly deciding whether I was worth possibly dying for.

"It's over!" I screamed. "There's nothing you can do anymore!"

_"Yes, there is!"_ he screamed back. _"Killing you!"_

I could barely keep control of the Strike as we continued to fall into the atmosphere. It felt like my body was going to bloat up and burst. I _had_ to get to the _Archangel _and do it now.

I realized that while I barely had control, the Duel didn't have control _period_. It just had not been modified for atmospheric battle. As I moved the Duel's sword out of the way, I saw my chance for a strike.

I cut straight down and sliced the Duel's right arm clean off.

It should not come as a surprise that "Yzak" screamed bloody murder at me as he realized his machine was without an arm.

"I told you there's nothing you can do," I said. I spun the Strike around awkwardly, and managed to kick him away from me.

I could see the _Archangel _to my left, its launch bay still open. They were going to wait for me until the last second. The ship's heavier weight meant it was descending much faster than I was, it was going to be right below me in a matter of seconds.

Timer was twelve seconds. I hit the acceleration and blasted right towards the _Archangel_. I would just make it. But only just. They'd have to slam the doors the second I got inside.

But then I heard Yzak's voice, a condemning tone I had never heard before. It was fatalistic, depressed, infuriated, all at once.

_"You forgot there's one _more_ thing I can do."_

And then the Duel right towards the _Archangel_, at a pace faster than mine. Every inch of its power was being devoted to this GUNDAM's acceleration, it was more like a rocket now than anything else.

For a second, I wondered why "Yzak" would be so stupid as to rush the _Archangel_. I had destroyed the rifle _and_ the sword. Duel was out of weapons. What could it do against the _Archangel _at this point?

But then I knew.

"Oh no." My voice was a whisper, filled with the sudden onset of total bewilderment and horror all at once. This whole time, I had never considered the possibility that maybe, just _maybe_, that one of the pilots I had fought would become so desperate that they'd . . .

_"You had to ruin everything, didn't you, Strike? Well guess what, you ruin me, I ruin you!" _"Yzak" screamed as he was about to rocket past me.

I could see his trajectory. He was aiming right for the bridge. That was one of the most vulnerable parts of the ship. He hit there, or even _near _there, nobody was going to make it home.

There was a chance he would miss, of course. There's always that chance. But was it one I wanted to take just to get in the launch bay? Why would I head into a launch bay that could no longer exist in the next five seconds?

The _Archangel_ knew he was coming. They were already shooting at him, but their shots only did structural damage and did nothing to blunt his charge. "Yzak" was clearly going to put it all on the line to put an end to the _Archangel_, and allow ZAFT the pleasure of total victory . . . and giving his parents, whoever they were, the knowledge that they had raised a martyr.

As he passed parallel to me, I knew that there was really only one choice I could make. I had _just _enough steering left to alter my course. Kira's modifications, even now, could grant me that much.

But by doing that I would not be able to get onboard. I would be left on my own out here, to take the brunt of falling into the atmosphere.

I already felt like I was going to boil over. But my survival meant nothing. If the _Archangel _was destroyed, if the Strike didn't hold, I was good as dead anyway.

The Duel, by doing this, had forced my hand.

I was going to suffer the same fate as the Duel, or as the Buster.

I ignited my sword and spun to the left just as he began passing me by.

I had no communications left with the _Archangel_. I could only imagine the looks on their faces as they saw me deviate from my course, sentencing myself to what could be a slow, excruciating death by incineration or by literally having my bodily fluids boil over.

I could hear the Duel's pilot, though. His breathing was ragged, as if he was psyching himself up mentally and physically to do what he was doing. This was not a choice he was making lightly.

_"Mother, sister . . ." _I heard him whisper as I managed to get right above him.

It almost made me hesitate.

Almost.

I stabbed downwards, right into where the cockpit would be. I felt the Duel violently vibrate as the sword pierced into the control center, where the pilot would be.

Suddenly, I could no longer hear the Duel pilot's breaths.

All I could hear was a tumultous, wild explosion.

I can scarcely remember what happened. I took the explosion full force, and it sent me spiraling out of control, away from the _Archangel_, away from Alaska, away from everyone I had striven to protect.

My friends. Those soldiers. The little girl.

I had lost them all in order to save them.

My fall could no longer be controlled. The explosion had done something to the Strike's controls. As the cockpit shook and shook and _shook _as if the world was going to come apart, as the heat came so tantalizingly close to making me feel that I was going to burn just by sitting in here . . .

I felt like I was barely there.

It was like I was a ghost, floating above the burning Strike, watching myself fall farther and farther away from my salvation.

Faster and faster I fell, spiraling downward, my Mobile Suit wreathed in flame much like the _Menelaos _in its dying moments.

_I'm going to die. I found a way to screw up after all._

Tolle's image appeared in front of me. Either my gloved hand inside the cockpit or the ghostly bare hand reached towards the image, as if this transparent apparation would suddenly become alive and take my hand. I could find no words to say to this motionless memory. My feelings were beyond such fleeting things.

All I could do was cry. Tears poured out of my eyes, mixing with the seemingly billions of sweat droplets all over my face and visor, turning into steam as they evaporated. My helmet was rapidly becoming a sauna for my head.

Beyond the transparent visage, I could see small bits of the Strike breaking off, falling away.

_I'm really going to die. Oh my God I'm going to die!_

I tried so hard to grab Tolle, and the other people who seemed to pop up all around him. Everyone from the rest of my friends to Elle to even Natarle Badgiruel all seemed to flash in front of me, vanishing and being replaced with someone else with every blink of my eyes.

Last of all were my mother and father, who, despite not looking a bit like me, despite "merely" adopting me, were my parents in heart and spirit. They were going to be absolutely heartbroken to learn I had made it so far just to fall now.

In stopping a suicide run, I had made my own suicide run. There was no way I could take an explosion like that and expect to survive a descent through the atmosphere. The Phase Shift wasn't going to hold.

Had I known that, somewhere in the back of my mind, when I had chosen to strike rather than gamble on "Yzak" missing his target?

I closed my eyes then. I pictured myself slowly but steadily going on fire, becoming a momentary flare in the sky before I was utterly destroyed.

_Whoever's listening, just let this happen fast. Please let it happen fast. I don't want to feel a thing._

_Please!_

And then, I heard a voice. And it sounded far too mortal, and far too young, to be a god or something beyond this plane.

_"Cagalli!"_

I opened my eyes, and suddenly I saw the Aegis, wreathed in flame much like I was, its claws slowly trying to wrap themselves around me.

"Athrun?" I asked softly. My throat was so dry I could barely manage a coherent sound.

I could hear Athrun cry out as more turbulence hit us, nearly knocking us off course. _"Damn it, you're heavier than I expected." _

I could not help but chuckle so raspily and brokenly. It was just too perfectly cruel. "My God, Athrun. We're going to burn up in the atmosphere together and all you can say is an insult about my weight?"

_"That's not what I'm doing! I'm trying to save you!"_

I had so much pressure inside my head. The world was becoming increasingly blurry, an incoherent mess of color.

"Well, try harder then," I replied.

_"What do you think I'm doing, Cagalli?"_

"Why?" I asked then.

_"Why what?"_

"I just killed your friend. Why are you trying to save me?"

A brief moment of silence. _"Because you weren't supposed to be here. You don't deserve to die here with the soldiers."_

I closed my eyes, in a futile effort to remove the pressure from my head. I realized, faintly, I had made a big mistake, that all that would happen was that I would lose consciousness. But it was too late. I could already feel myself fall from reality as my final words slurred their way out of my mouth.

"Ha. And here I thought . . . "

Thought.

Thought.

Thought what?

I didn't know anymore.

I couldn't even hear Athrun. Just static. My communications were gone completely.

I had no reason to hold onto even the sliver of consciousness I had left.

And so I let myself fall.

And let the comforting darkness engulf me completely, and shield me away from the crushing heat, the throbbing pressure . . . and all of the burdens of living in reality.

I let myself fall forever.

**PART 1: INVOKE FINIS**

* * *

NOTE: I dunno how many of you noticed this, but I was naming my chapters after songs or albums by musical artists. For your convenience, I am providing a list of the artist whose song proved to be an inspiration for a chapter title:

1. "We Were So Close Together" is a common translation of Gundam SEED's 1st ED theme by See-Saw.

2. "Blue Monday" is a song by New Order.

3. "Eruption" is the famous guitar solo by Van Halen.

4. "Points of Authority" is a song by Linkin Park.

5. "Learn to Fly" is a song by Foo Fighters.

6. "Escalates" is a song by Falling Up.

7. "Empty Spaces" is a song by Fuel.

8. "Indestructible" is a song by Disturbed.

9. "Stupefy" is another song by Disturbed.

10. "Fallen Angels" is a song by Ra.

11. "Laid to Rest" is a song by Lamb of God.

12. "Special" is a song by Garbage.

13. "All Mixed Up" is a song by 311.

14. "Extraordinary Girl" is a song by Green Day.

15. "Ill Communication" is an album by The Beastie Boys.

16. "Shut Up and Explode" is a song by Boom Boom Satellites.

17. "Miss Murder" is a song by AFI.

18. "The Missing Frame" is another song by AFI.

19. "Vessels" is an album by Ivoryline.

And 20 . . . 20 is named for the final battle theme in the movie "Avatar", composed by James Horner.


	21. Where One Road Ends

Okay, here's the beginning of part 2. No time for individual responses this time. Thank you for enjoying part 1. However, I will say a few random things.

1. Dearka is still alive, just like in canon.

2. The Waltfeld arc will be much different than in canon, if this chapter doesn't make it clear enough.

3. The second Skygrasper pilot, who was Cagalli in canon, will not be who you expect.

Now . . . we begin part 2.

* * *

_**Part 2: Moment**_

**Chapter Twenty-One: Where One Road Ends**

As I open my eyes, I realize it's all dead.

The Strike was dark. No lights were on. I faintly saw cracks on my monitors and screens. The Strike must've crashed hard, wherever I was.

I touched a few buttons, just to see if something would turn on, but nothing did. The Strike was truly dead, it wasn't even running on emergency power.

Could I even get out?

I nudged the cockpit, softly, quietly. It moved with a soft _creak_.

No wonder why I hadn't suffocated. The latch was busted, air's been coming inside this entire time.

But I was still wearing my helmet, so _that _didn't make sense either. How would I still be breathing if . . .?

Wait. The cracks I was seeing weren't on my monitors. They're cracks on my _helmet_. I touch my visor faintly and the cracks grow widespread. The helmet was totally busted.

I take it off and carefully set it down. It's dark and almost impossible to see in here. Only the faint glimmer of light coming from the busted hatch allow me to see anything at all.

There's no way to tell where I was, or when. All I knew was that I was on Earth somewhere. And considering I wasn't half-frozen, it couldn't be Alaska. I was off course.

I faintly remembered Athrun grabbing my Mobile Suit. Where did he wind up steering me?

I was about to find out.

I had a pounding headache and my throat was so dry it felt like a miniature desert had appeared inside it. I tried swallowing, to try to force saliva down my throat, and the pain was enormous. I forced myself to keep swallowing, to allow my gel-like saliva to coat my throat, so it wouldn't be so dry, so it wouldn't hurt. Eventually, the pain went down, but it never went away.

I was too dehydrated and too tired to shake it off completely.

I tried to think past my headache and discern what had happened. Obviously, I had crash-landed. The Strike wouldn't be in so much trouble if I had landed the thing properly. In fact, there was a good chance I had been out of control the whole descent. That meant sixty tons or so had plowed into the ground full stop.

At least I wasn't underwater. So much of Earth is covered in ocean. I was extremely lucky, or Athrun was a really good pilot, in order for me not to have drowned.

But Athrun wasn't here. He either lost consciousness himself and lost control of me, or had underestimated our combined weight and had plowed into the ground with me. He was either a good distance away, or maybe he was right next to me, and I had beaten him in regaining consciousness. One thing was clear: he had not come to pull me out of the Strike's wreckage.

That meant the only person I could rely on was myself.

I reached into the sides of my seat. There were emergency supplies to the right, and a pistol with a small amount of ammunition to the left. They were in packages meant to withstand extreme heat and cold, but I had no idea how exteme the heat had been. For all I knew, it all had been cooked and was useless.

I pulled the pistol out of the package. It still looked usable to me. I loaded it and pulled the hammer back, it was ready to fire. I wasn't in the mood to test that theory, though. Who knew where I was. Who knew if enemies were nearby. If ZAFT troopers were nearby, scoping the wreckage, I did not want to alert them. I had no chance in a gun battle, and I didn't want to find out what they did to Coordinator traitors ... I doubt they'd grant me any mercy, especially the zealots. I was a blood traitor.

Where was I, anyway?

No way to tell unless I opened that hatch and got out.

I gingerly touched the hatch. My headache was making it difficult to think, a steel wall felt like it was erected in my mind, preventing most coherent thoughts and strategies from forming in my head. But enough common sense stayed that I knew I had to be quiet, just in case. I had no idea how a GUNDAM crash-landing wouldn't cause a disturbance, but apparently it hadn't been significant enough for anyone to find me yet.

I pushed, softly, carefully. I did not want anyone nearby to hear me.

But as I opened the door, I realized that all of my precautions meant nothing.

A rifle barrel was directly in front of my face.

The voice was steely. "Drop the gun, hands behind your head."

I looked from the rifle barrel, then directly into the soldier's young eyes. "Um . . ."

"No 'um'. Drop everything you have and put your hands behind your head," the soldier replied.

There was no talking my way out of this one. I dropped the gun and my supplies and put both of my hands behind my head. The soldier immediately grabbed me by the shoulder and moved me away from the GUNDAM. I wound up in the custody of two other soldiers. It was becoming dark, it was apparently evening and overcast where I was, but I could see the ZAFT emblem.

Worst case scenario. I had been captured by ZAFT ground forces.

My aching, dense mind struggled to decipher what new information I had just gotten. Obviously, I was now a P.O.W., but where on Earth did ZAFT have a strong ground presence?

Australia was a place. Africa was another. South America was the third and final landmass where ZAFT had a significant presence. ZAFT also had various scattered islands all over the world for rapid-reaction and raids upon Earth Alliance territories.

I didn't think Athrun would've crashed us onto an island, too risky. So that meant Africa, Australia, or South America.

'Course, that didn't help me much, but it whittled things down a little bit. And it also told me I was a long ways away from Alaska.

One of the soldier tapped my shoulder with his rifle barrel and I realized he wanted me to kneel down. So I did, rested on both of my knees, while the ZAFT soldier who had seen me first searched my cockpit.

I was outside. I tried to use my peripheral vision to see where my GUNDAM had crashed, and could barely make the outline of part of a building. So I had crashed somewhere in a city.

One of the soldiers began talking. "I think this girl's a traitor."

"I _know _this is a traitor, man. No one can fly a Mobile Suit other than us."

"Traitor?" I dared to ask.

One of the ZAFT soldiers knelt down by me. He had a scraggly three-day beard on him. I immediately thought of him as Beard, and the other soldier next to me as Shave.

Lame, I know, but my mind was not completely there.

"Yes," Beard said. "We've been hearin' stories about a traitor who's been fighting our space forces this whole time."

"Cool," I said. "Treachery in ZAFT. I love political intrigue, it's so _exciting_."

Beard did not take that very well. Immediately I felt a sharp pain in my head. He was pulling on my hair. "Damn you! You killed a lot of our pilots, traitor!"

Shave shoved Beard. "Dude, DeCosta's not gonna like you picking on a prisoner! You know how he is."

"Yeah, he's a stupid by-the-book officer. He don't got any idea about real war, or how to deal with traitors," Beard growled.

"I can't be a traitor if I wasn't on your side to begin with," I said through clenched teeth. I was pissed off over my hair being used as a torture device. I wanted a fight, even though I'd probably die.

"What the hell do you mean?" Beard asked.

"I'm from Orb. I fought for the Earth Alliance for reasons you probably wouldn't understand."

"Oh, I understand all right. You're a draft dodger and then you chose to kill your own kind. You're even worse than a traitor!" Beard spat.

"Dude, we don't even know if she really is a Coordinator," Shave said.

"She basically admitted it to us!" Beard shouted. "Are you some kind of idiot?"

"Enough!" shouted the soldier standing by my cockpit. He was taller than all of us, so he became Tall Guy. He walked over to us, and shook his head.

"Look, we went through hell to get here. Right now, it's just the three of us watching over this prisoner and this GUNDAM until somebody manages to break through Desert Dawn."

"Desert Dawn?" I asked.

"Natives," Beard spat.

Tall Guy was more diplomatic, to a point. "They're guerrilla fighters from the Middle East and North Africa. They cling to their precious Allah and their guns like insane people."

Okay, that solidified where I was. Since the Middle East was still mostly in Earth Alliance hands, that meant I was in North Africa. I was not sure whether to be relieved by that, though.

"Why do these people cling to their religion? The Coptics ain't much better," Shave grumbled. "Ain't there proof that there is no God?"

"If you guys believe that," I said, "Then why are you guys saying 'damn' and 'hell' all the time?"

I was asking for it, and I realized that too late as Beard punched me right in the face and I collapsed into the dirt, feeling like my cheek was nothing but a stem of pain. "Shut your mouth or I'll tear it off!"

He kicked me in the stomach and I rolled onto my side, clutching it. Beard was strong. He could kick a lot of ass, and in my weakened state, that definitely included me.

Tall Guy grabbed Beard by the shoulder. "Enough. We need to get under cover before some sniper decides that we make easy marks. Grab the prisoner and take her-"

He stopped then, as we all heard the sounds of an approaching vehicle. I turned behind me and I saw an off-road vehicle pull up in front of us. An officer was in the back, and he looked young. His red hair was close-cropped and his blue eyes looked fairly human and fresh, they didn't have a thousand-yard stare or any of the exhaustion the three troopers were displaying.

"Aw crap, it's DeCosta," Beard growled.

DeCosta walked out of the jeep and ran up to us. "You three all right? A chopper reported that a few of us were at the Strike crash site."

"Yes, sir," Tall Guy said. "Area's quiet, at least for now."

As DeCosta replied, I realized I could hear the distinct sounds of gunfire. They sounded almost like firecrackers. A battle was going on, far away from me. "It's not going to stay that way. We really angered the locals."

"Screw the locals," Beard said. "Burn them all."

DeCosta shook his head. "We're not even supposed to be here right now. General Waltfeld is _not_happy. Do you at least have the pilot?"

"Right here," Tall Guy said, pointing at me.

DeCosta bent down to look at me. "You seem bruised up, boy."

I was almost too tired to be angry that he was yet another person who had mistaken me for a boy. But only almost. I could muster up just enough anger to make my feelings known. "I'm a _girl_, you dumbass."

I felt a sharp, painful blow in my backside and I crumpled face-forward. Beard shouted "We don't care! Shut up!"

"Enough, Private!" DeCosta barked. "We don't abuse our prisoners! It's already bad enough we've created a meat grinder here in Tassill. Now get the prisoner into the jeep before-"

I heard a loud _whoosh _from up ahead. I looked up just in time to see the jeep explode in a giant fireball, metal debris showering everywhere.

Gunfire from the right. I could see several gun flashes from behind windows in the building in front of the crash site. That must be Desert Dawn.

Tall Guy was dead, he had been shot in the head. Beard was also down, wheezing, clearly in great pain. Shave and DeCosta had hit the dirt, and they were scrambling to get behind anything resembling cover. I realized that now was my chance. I needed to escape _now_.

A helicopter flew over my head and began strafing the building. Missiles and machine-gun bullets showered the apartment, sending stone debris flying off with each blast. I could faintly hear people scream as they were assaulted. A lone rocket shot off from somewhere and struck the helicopter in the tail. The helicopter spun around repeatedly until it crashed into the building it was strafing, causing debris and smoke to fly everywhere.

More gunfire, all of it, everywhere. I was a sitting duck in the open.

I ran over by Tall Guy's corpse. There was my pistol and my emergency supplies, laying right by him, he never had any time to pocket them or secure them. I grabbed them both, but as I tried to grab his rifle, I heard an odd mechanical noise from straight ahead.

I looked up. I immediately wished I hadn't.

What seemed to be a colossal mechanical, one-eyed _wolf _seemed to be staring at me.

Several rockets slammed into it, but they only seemed to be causing minor impacts, without creating any crippling damage. The giant metal wolf fired several missiles everywhere from the top of its back, and they blasted over my head.

Staying here meant death or imprisonment. Even though it looked like Desert Dawn was getting its ass kicked, I had to make it over to them somehow. The enemy of my enemy was my friend.

At least Desert Dawn wasn't going to throw me around.

I ran as the missiles and bullets flew everywhere. I don't know how I avoided being hit as I ran for the nearest alleyway and kept running. Maybe I wasn't anyone's concern. Desert Dawn was obviously shooting at the giant wolf and the wolf was shooting back at them. I meant nothing in the overall scheme of things, I was almost like a civilian.

I had no idea if Shave or DeCosta were following me. I didn't want to find that out. I kept running through the maze, looking for some corner where I could stop and collapse for a while and collect myself.

Finally, I thought I found a corner partially shielded by debris that looked promising.

I ducked behind there and collapsed, and prayed the war would go away.

* * *

As the hours passed by, the guns refused to completely die. Desert Dawn and the ZAFT were having a really intense fight for this town. It looked like my little corner didn't mean anything in the larger scheme of things, though, because no one from either side was coming over to check it out.

Night was falling, and quickly. Dusk's remaining light faded gradually but noticeably, which was accelerated by the firm overcast sky, one that seemed to be not your ordinary cloud system. In fact, they almost looked like rain clouds. The desert didn't get a lot of rain, but maybe this was the wet season? It _was _February, after all.

And who knew how close we were to the Mediterranean Sea. Storm systems happened on the coast a lot. Maybe something was coming over here to dump some water on us.

I dug into my emergency supplies and greedily sucked down one of my two water bottles. The water was anything but cold but I didn't care. I devoured a protein bar and just let the wrapper lay down on the ground next to me. Littering was the least of my concerns at that moment.

Underneath the consistent soundtrack of missiles and guns was a more symphonic sound. Something deeper, louder, something greater than anything man could build. Thunder. A deep, powerful sound not created by war.

Rain _was _coming.

I was still thirsty, even after drinking an entire water bottle, but my throat no longer felt like it was part of the desert. That helped my well-being significantly. I was surprised by how cold the night felt. Maybe it was the impending rain, partially, but I had always heard the desert was _hot_. What happened to the endless waves of baking desert heat?

In a way, I was glad I was still alive to be asking those questions. Sure, my pilot uniform felt a bit ratty, and I had lost the Strike, and I was stuck in the middle of intense urban warfare. But I was still alive. Who knew what would happen to me in the end, but as long as I lived I still had a chance of returning home.

I thought of my parents, who had to be thinking I was dead. Wait until they saw me, whenever it was that I finally returned. I wanted to see them smile at me, cry for me, embrace me. And I would return their affections twofold. I wanted nothing more than to be with them.

And then Elle, and Tolle, and everyone else. I just wanted to be with _them_.

But none of them were here. Not a single one. I was alive, but I was alone.

They had to be alive, and well, safe in Alaska probably. But they had no way of knowing I was still alive. They probably assumed I was dead. Why wouldn't they? How would they know that I lived?

Tears appeared in my eyes as I thought about the funeral service they had to be planning for me. I wondered who would be giving my elegy on the _Archangel_. Who? Tolle, maybe, but he wasn't the greatest with words. Maybe it would be Murrue Ramius herself.

I wanted to sleep, but I forced myself not to. It was much too dangerous, and I had no one watching my back. War was going on all around me. I could not afford to be taken prisoner by the ZAFT again. Maybe if I wound up in Desert Dawn's hands I could finally collapse and have some rest.

I don't know how long I sat there, staring at the wall in front of me, trying to contemplate my new reality. It was a reality deeper in war than ever, but I had no GUNDAM, no friends, no nothing.

At least I had gravity on a consistent basis again. Sure, I felt like a sack of bricks, but maybe I'd be back to normal in a few hours or days or something, right? I couldn't remember how long it took to recover from a couple of weeks with inconsistent zero gravity.

I thought back to the _Archangel _and the seemingly physics-defying rooms that did have some gravity. I had no idea how the ship designers pulled that off, but I felt better because of it. There was no way I wouldn't been able to run away like that if I had been in zero gravity consistently.

Speaking of running, what should my strategy be?

Should I try to escape into the desert into the east somewhere? Or should I stay here and try to find a pocket of Desert Dawn resistance? As long as I was wearing this Earth Alliance pilot's outfit they'd have to assume I wasn't out to kill them. And although going into the desert would get me out of the battle, there was no guarantee I'd find shelter before sunrise. Sleep deprivation plus heat stroke would definitely kill me.

I didn't want to admit it, but I was stuck in Tassill until someone gave me a ride out of here.

I waited for the sky to get just a little darker, for the thunder to be a little louder. Then, as I saw lightning crackle its way across the sky. I stood up.

No more running away. I was going to run with a purpose: getting out of this town, and getting out of this war.

I moved into the street, and began my self-imposed mission just as the first droplets of rain hit the ground.


	22. Rain

Apologies about the wait. I was NOT happy with this chapter and I kept rewriting it. I think this one measures up to my standards but I don't know. I guess you be the judge.

FraserMage: Sounds like as good of a theory as any. SEED laughs in the face of science! XD

372259: I think that double meaning was unintentional, I've noticed that a lot that I write seemingly deep things by accident. XD But yeah, I was shooting for surprise with chapter 21, a shake-up of the status quo for a little while, giving Cagalli a rougher return to Earth than Kira had in canon.

Light-Sakura: Thank you. I hope you enjoy the continuation of part 2.

Duskification: This took a LOT of thought. I don't think Cagalli would grow up polite and semi-meek just because of being in Kira's position, and I don't think Kira would suddenly turn into fiery rebellious teen either. Cagalli and Kira have vastly different opinions and views on everything. Kira's more willing to work within Uzumi's system or challenge it directly, for example, instead of completely circumventing/ignoring it like Cagalli did in canon. And Cagalli, being Cagalli, is a heck of a lot more aggressive in combat though this is a flaw as much as a strength. At the same time, I tried to strengthen Kira a bit (he IS Uzumi's child in this go-around), while letting Cagalli feel a little bit of self-doubt and isolation.

In general, I'm trying to balance their general natures on one hand but also keeping in mind the environments they were raised in. This causes many changes, including with how they just plain interact with people.

animefan29: Will she? ;) Hope you enjoy the next chapter.

Achilles1011: Mmm . . . I admit that I had a bit of trouble with DeCosta but I don't think it showed. Anyway, it won't be the last you see of him. And yeah, I made a personal goal that part 2 will have as few errors as possible.

Anyway, here's chapter 22. Here's hoping chapter 23 will be released on schedule . . .

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Two: Rain**

It wasn't long before the rain became a steady downpour. It wasn't heavy, but it wasn't light either. The ground turned into muddy clay, sticking to my boots and gunking up my feet and my calves. My pilot's suit was soon completely soaked, and I found myself sheltering among as many buildings as possible as I wandered the streets on my own.

The gunfire had settled down as the rain began falling. Both sides must've decided they were done killing each other for the day, or maybe fighting in the rain was one discomfort too many. Or there was something else going on, something I couldn't quite fathom.

Maybe all either side was doing was taking a quick, collective break while they strategized how to kill each other.

I stopped around a corner near what looked to be the remnants of a market to catch my breath. I started calming down when lightning struck nearby, illuminating everything for just a brief moment, and sending nightmarish shadows skittering across the ground. I jumped back behind my cover, my heart racing. I told myself that what I had seen were just illusions, but I still hadn't shaken off some of the haze in my mind. That hazy part, tired and addled, was implying that something not of this earth was at work here.

I closed my eyes, counted to five, and re-opened them, just to see bright light as more lightning struck, and I saw even more crazed shadows out of a Lovecraft novel for a brief moment, before all was shrouded in darkness once again.

As the thunder cracked and rumbled, I closed my eyes again. _It's not real you stupid idiot. Worry about what is real. Like ZAFT. Like Desert Dawn._

I peeked around the corner again, and forced myself to not look at any shadows when lightning flashed once more. I didn't see _anybody_. No civilians, no soldiers, no nothing. Only a couple of stray cats wandering the street, and I was of no concern to them.

_It's like a ghost town._That was precisely the wrong thing to think because it got my imagination rushing through my head.

_Maybe aliens just struck. Wouldn't that end the war really fast? Or maybe there's a zombie apocalypse going on. My God, what if there are zombies? Would they be the fast ones or the slow ones?_

I drummed them out. God, I was so stupid. Getting distracted by momentary and horrific fantasies. I could not worry about the impossible . . . or at least the highly doubtful.

_Focus, Cagalli. Focus. You've dead-ended yourself, unless you want to go back the way you came, the only way through is that market. You have no choice._

I bent to the ground. I felt disgusting, wallowing in the wet clay, but I had no choice. I had no idea if snipers were surveying the open streets. Most likely there were. And with every flash of lightning, I would be visible. The only way to stay _invisible _was to practically become a part of the ground . . . and hope no vehicles came by to squish me.

That would unquestionably suck.

I crawled forward the best I could, praying no one would notice me. Midway through, I realized that I was making a really dumb mistake. If I had just run for it, I'd be on the other side by now. I'd already be safe from sniper fire. And here I was, crawling through the dirt like an animal, an easy mark for anybody who looked down at the ground.

I was new to ground combat, I had no idea how the rules worked. But here I was, in battle school, where a failing grade meant death.

When I crawled behind a wagon, I stopped for a moment, and sat up just a bit, but not enough to let my head be visible. I wasn't going to crawl on the ground again. Damn, that was stupid. Stupid, stupid, _stupid_!

At least the rain was washing some of the clay off of me. But only some.

Was my pistol okay? Was it calibrated to handle the rain? Could it fire even when wet? I studied it, and I took a wild guess and thought it could. I didn't want to test that theory out though. It was best to remain invisible and hope I'd never have to use it.

After another flash of lightning, I ran for it as thunder shook the ground. I made it behind another solid building and I caught my breath. I had successfully traversed _one _road. But only one.

I found a spot with a thin layer of cloth, the remnants of a fruit stand by the looks of it. I searched the spot for anything edible, but what looked to be melons were either spoiled or filled with bullet remnants. A fight had broken out here, and I smelled the sickening scent of corpses near me. For my own sake, I didn't stick around here, and kept walking, not looking around to see where those corpses could be.

This whole city had become a graveyard, and I was its only living denizen. This was no place for me. This city belonged to the dead, much like Junius Seven. It was for the dead or for those who were going to die.

I was just about to let my guard down when I heard voices of the living. They were speaking the universal business language, English, not Arabic, so I immediately knew they were ZAFT. I ducked behind a corner and listened in to these intruders entering the dead city.

"God damn, Mike. What the hell are we doing here? The one time it rains in the desert and we're doing a patrol."

"I don't know. It's DeCosta's orders. He's trying to get the town secured for the general so he can look good. Apparently we weren't supposed to be here yet,we're stretching the front line," said who I assumed to be "Mike". "I heard that we got two GUNDAMs crashing in town. Never seen any of them, though I heard we got one of the pilots."

Athrun. They were talking about Athrun. It made sense that he wound up in the same town I did.

"Is he alive?"

"Yeah, I think so. Heard the other pilot was a girl."

"A girl, _really_?"

"Yeah. A Coordinator, the rumor is. But she's working for the Earth Alliance."

"God damn, Mike. I mean it."

"Yeah, I know. Why the hell would a Coordinator girl work for the Alliance? It makes no sense."

"We supposed to be catching her, Mike?"

"I haven't heard any orders 'bout it."

A third voice piped up. "Shut the hell up, both of you. Desert Dawn could be anywhere. You're making us easy marks."

"Sorry, Sarge," said Mike. The second voice didn't say a word.

By that point they had passed me and were moving on down the street, their voices now mere whispers as they moved down the street. There were a couple of other soldiers with them, but they weren't chatty, they just marched in silence, looking every direction they could. I briefly peeked and saw green neon lights, tiny and scarcely visible, move around. Night-vision goggles. I quickly ducked back the moment I realized that. They'd see me easily if I stepped out.

Great. Just what I needed. ZAFT had night-vision and I didn't. This made things infinitely more dangerous.

I had to be even more careful with my movements. A single mistake and I'd be back in their hands again. And I doubted that DeCosta or this "general" would be pleased to see me. After all, I had escaped capture once already.

I highly doubted they would let me escape again.

I looked behind me. A gap in the wall. Looked big enough for me to fit through.

Part of me questioned whether it was a smart idea to go inside. It would be even darker in there than out here. Plus the downpour and thunder was masking my movements.

At the same time, I was exhausted. There was no other way to describe it. Exhausted and stressed out was not a good combination.

If I was going to go inside, it would be to hunker down for the night. Hide in some secluded corner, and hope no one would find me until daylight, where I was on even footing with the patrols.

Was this a good place to hide for the night?

I moved towards it, just a little bit. I aimed my pistol at the opening, and forced my aching eyes to focus. I could not screw this up. If anyone was inside, I needed to get the hell out and in a hurry before I was caught.

This place was only safe if abandoned, or nearly so. Or occupied by people who didn't give a damn that a pilot wearing an Earth uniform was in their midst.

I looked back around, toward the street. Finally, I made up my mind.

I was going inside. I was going to get some rest, and then get moving in the morning. Maybe if I found a burqa or something I would be able to disguise myself and move around fairly freely. I wasn't fully fluent in Arabic yet but maybe I could be just convincing enough for ZAFT soldiers to pay me no mind. Hopefully they hadn't enough time to force women to show papers and stuff too.

Also, it helped that I was _really _sick of being rained on. I was soaked to the point where there wasn't a single dry spot left on me.

I wasn't going to dry off quickly and my body would itch like hell, but minor discomforts didn't mean anything.

They truly didn't.

Not in the big picture of survival.

My mind made up, I went inside, pistol raised and ready to fire.

* * *

Killing someone with my gun wasn't on my mind as I stumbled through the hallways and rooms, looking for somewhere perfect for me to hide. Sure, I was thinking that someone could be around the corner, and I needed to be ready for him, but I wasn't thinking about _killing_. My only thoughts were _You can't get caught, you mustn't get caught._

It was pitch-black in here, and the only sounds were my sloshy footsteps, my soft, nervous breathing, and the storm outside. Lightning would briefly illuminate the hallways I wandered through, giving the impression of monsters and phantoms lurking in the shadows, surrounding me.

But they never struck. I kept reasoning with my exhausted mind, telling myself that there were only humans to be afraid of here. Not the supernatural.

It's just like how I was at Junius Seven. Me being alone, with only my imagination, was a self-destructing phenomenon, where I have to keep fighting myself in addition to everyone and everything around me.

I wish I had a radio com with Kira, with _anybody_. My helmet had been busted which made my radio useless, but I still wished that I had it. I could've at least tried to make it work, try some form of improvisation to mess with it until it did.

But I had nothing. And, most likely, the only thing I would find were ZAFT channels anyway. And those could be tapped.

Finally, after so much senseless wandering, I finally picked a random room with its door half-open. I was three stories up, and much of the outer wall was blown out, leaving me exposed to the storm. Thankfully, the wind was blowing the rain away from the room, so the room was stone dry but had a bird's eye view of the storm and below.

I softly, silently shut the door. My thought process was that if it was opened, it would give me some time to hide. That was exactly the wrong thing to think, but I didn't know that yet.

I found a corner whose outer wall wasn't blown out, it was inside a closet, with clothes lying everywhere. No corpses.

I was too tired to think of trying anywhere else. I buried myself in the clothes, not caring how dusty they were. I pondered eating my last meal bar, but I opted not to. Even though I was already starving, I knew I couldn't eat right now. If I ate the bar, I would have nothing for tomorrow. Who knew how long it would take before I would find anything I could eat, much less friendlies who had a supply line?

The formless gruel I had eaten so much in the _Archangel _cafeteria suddenly seemed appetizing.

I forced myself to relax. I had found a building that ZAFT hadn't occupied. Neither side had occupied it, actually. It was all mine. My private little multi-story apartment.

I was already making plans in my head. When it was light out I was going to scope the building out, look for anything edible in any cupboards or refridgerators or something. I also needed to find a burqa. As much as the feminist in me despised those things, I knew one was necessary. ZAFT couldn't be _that_ignorant of this archaic tactic that they'd strip-search every woman with a burqa on, would they?

Plus, it would completely disguise me. And if my rather marginal Arabic sounded convincing enough to ZAFT soldiers' ears, my disguise would be complete. Then I could wander around until I found rebel lines or get out of the city.

A few booms shook me out of my stupor. I could hear something like aircraft flying over head, and explosions in the sky and on the ground. None struck nearby.

Great. An air raid or something. Just what I needed. But who was doing the raiding, ZAFT or the Earth Alliance? Something told me that it was Earth Alliance. A counterattack against ZAFT's offensive in Tassill. Probably wouldn't do a whole lot against ZAFT, though, and it probably would hurt or kill some Desert Dawn members, too.

As long as bombs didn't drop on me, I wasn't sure I cared. Still, for an air raid, there were a surprising lack of bombs hitting the ground. Sure, it sounded like a _fe w_fell, but it seemed pretty light for an air raid.

I forced myself to stop thinking about it. I'm not a soldier. I'm just guessing.

_Relax, you idiot. Just relax. You're as safe as you can be, _I told myself.

But as I was about to fade away, and finally enjoy some sleep with my makeshift blankets, I heard a distant male voice, one that was _not _speaking Arabic.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Just keep going, I'll catch up. Gotta take a leak."

My eyes shot open and suddenly I was wide awake.

Sheer fright makes a pretty good replacement for an espresso dose. But I don't recommend it. Fright makes the heart feel like it's going to explode in your chest, and your stomach feel like it's upside down. And do I need to mention the sweaty forehead, the strained breathing, and every single muscle tensing up?

The door I had shut opened, and my heart literally did skip a beat.

I gripped the pistol and my trembling hands fumbled with it, trying to turn the safety off. I know a bullet was already loaded into the chamber, so I wouldn't need to reveal my position by pulling the hammer back. But that didn't help my nerves. Even something as simple as flicking a switch nearly made me drop the gun.

I waited.

I kept thinking he was suddenly going to emanate around the corner, look into the closet, and see me. But his face never showed. Several seconds passed and soon I wondered if he was ever going to show up.

I slowly peeked my head out of the closet. Maybe he knew I was here, and was playing some kind of demented game with me. And the moment I exposed myself he would put the barrel of his gun at my head, let the moment sink in, and then make my brains shower all over the room.

But that didn't happen either.

Much to my amazement, the soldier really _did _have to take a leak.

_Oh gross, _I thought, as the man was perched right outside the shell hole.

I went back behind the wall and tried to relax, even if it was only a little. He wasn't here looking for me. He was just looking for a discreet place to relieve himself. That wasn't such a big deal, right? As long as I stayed quiet there would be no problem.

I heard the radio buzz softly again, and the soldier began talking. "Look, Sarge, I'll be out in a sec. Yeah, I know, the missing pilot, I get it. No, I'm not neglecting that part of the mission. Huh? What do you mean I have to conduct a sweep of the floor by myself? Are you serious? Yeah, I know, the place is deserted . . . fine, fine, I'll do it, Sarge. Just gimme a sec."

I heard the static buzz, and the soldier grumbled "Damn it, they punish me for taking a piss. God, who makes a soldier sweep a floor on his own? Do they _want _me to get killed?"

Now I was in full-on panic mode. I had just heard the soldier get orders to sweep the floor. Obviously, he would start by searching through the entire room.

And then he'd find me. It was going to be pretty damn obvious if someone was hiding in a pile of clothes.

He was going to be finished any second now. And as my heart seemed to want to eject itself out of my chest, I knew I only had one choice.

I had to ambush him. I didn't have the Strike's armor, nor its weaponry, but I had to ambush him.

I leaned out, my pistol in both of my hands. I could see the soldier messing with his fly, he was done. It was now or never. I pop him now and run for it, or I get captured.

I tried to aim for his head, but I quickly noticed how unsteady my grip was. I was so nervous that I was going to be lucky to make him feel the wind as the bullet passed by. So I aimed for the chest.

_I can't believe I'm doing this._

I waited. He finished, and he seemed to pause for a second as he picked his rifle back up. Then he turned, directly at me.

It was sheer impulse. Even in this darkness, I knew he had seen me the moment he had turned around. I could hear a brief cry of surprise escape his lips, and his rifle quickly being aimed at me, carefully yet expediently by his arms.

I fired.

_Bang_. _Spak_.

The soldier immediately reached up and grabbed his throat. I had gotten lucky. Instead of hitting him in the chest or missing him quickly, I had ripped apart his windpipe, his throat. There was no way anyone was going to save him in time.

The soldier collapsed against the wall and slumped down, coming to a rest in a sitting position, his legs sprawled in front of him, both of his hands continuing to clutch his throat. I just stood there, mesmerized by this man dying in front of my eyes.

I was his executioner. There was no excuse for it. I had aimed, and I had shot him, and now he was going to die.

I forced myself to keep functioning. I told myself that this wasn't real. It couldn't be. I didn't have the guts to shoot someone.

But I had. I could see the results of my work as the soldier continued to struggle in a futile effort to breathe. His eyes were wide in pain and terror, and I knew he was suffering. I approached him, slowly and gingerly. I felt like I was not of this world, that I was an invader, and had used the man as mere sport.

He was fading. His eyes were beginning to close, his gasps becoming more pitiful and wheezy. I reached down to pick his rifle up, vaguely aware I was going to need more firepower.

"I'm sorry," I told him. "So sorry."

He didn't seem to register a word I said. He just continued his impossible struggle against death.

Then I heard new voices. "Wilson? Private Wilson! What the hell's going on over there?"

_Oh no!_

There was no escape for me here. Other than . . .

Jumping out of a third-story shellhole. What a brilliant idea!

I looked down. There was a cart of some kind. Maybe if it had anything resembling a cushion maybe I wouldn't break my neck from the fall.

Anything would be better than being caught by ZAFT soldiers after murdering one of their own.

Fear was my motivator. Fear of what would happen to me, a blood traitor, for killing a ZAFT soldier. The soldier was still fighting on, but his gasps were becoming softer and fewer. I wanted to be able to lie to myself, that he would be rescued and saved by his squad.

This wasn't like killing someone in a Mobile Suit. Up in space it was almost impersonal, like destroying a machine. Here? No machines, no protection. Bullets were all that mattered down here, bullets and missiles and rockets.

I jumped, aiming for the cart, hoping the sound of the rain and thunder would mask the crashing noises and any grunts of pain. I was instantly soaked, but that was the last thing on my mind as I fell to the ground and crashed into the cart.

Turned out there were melons of some kind inside. Spoiled melons, I could tell by the rather rank smell, but melons. I broke the cart, and I felt like my entire backside was a gigantic bruise, but as I scrambled off of the wreckage, it didn't feel like I had broken anything.

I could hear sounds of surprise and alarm inside the building. I scrambled to my feet and ran out of the lot and into the nearest alley and just plain _did not stop_ until I could run no further. I collapsed on my knees and stared at the nearest wall, still feeling like I was not completely _here_.

As I regained control of myself, I realized I had maintained a death grip on the soldier's rifle. I was already trying to convince myself that I had experienced nothing but a bad dream, but the rifle told me the truth. I nearly dropped it, but forced myself to hang on.

I knew I couldn't run from what I had done. I had killed people up in space, and now I killed someone on Earth.

But it was different in space. I was protecting my friends, Orb civilians, shorthanded soldiers. Here, I had killed to protect no one but myself.

Was my life really worth so much?

I forced myself to think that I had no choice. That he was going to spot me. If I hadn't taken the shot I would be a prisoner right now, and considering the previous group's treatment of me, I could expect lots of abuse, maybe even death if they hated me enough. After all, I had escaped them once already.

And now, after killing a soldier in their midst, I could expect no mercy, period.

I was definitely going to be considered a blood traitor now. I could've just surrendered, but I had chosen to kill.

I thought about that soldier as I leaned my head on the alleyway, looking down on the soaked, cracked asphalt below. That poor soldier, who couldn't have been much older than me. Killed because he had to take a piss in the same room I was in.

What a stupid, pointless way to go, even in war.

Some mother, some father, was going to be getting a "KIA" message very soon about their child.

And I was responsible for that.

I collapsed to my knees and put my hands to my face. I couldn't help myself anymore. I was a murderer. A true murderer. How could I hope to ever become an ordinary civilian again? How could I ever look my parents in the eye?

Now, more than ever, war had touched my life, and left burning scars in its wake.

How could I ever hope to escape war?

How could I ever repay the lives I had taken?

The answers were _no_ and _no_.

I began sobbing, and let the rain wash all over me, washing my tears off of my face and into the ground.


	23. Pounding the Pavement

Sorry for the long wait, guys. I needed to take a break from this story for a loooooooooooooong time. But I hope it's worth the wait. I hope to begin regular updates momentarily, I don't have a "posting day" set up and I'm still trying to build a buffer. But I hope that there will be another long string of posts before I get burned out again. XD

Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter ****Twenty-Three: ****Pounding ****the ****Pavement**

The rain lightened up a little bit, as did the lightning and thunder. I was totally drenched which made the relief moot. Combined with my general soreness my discomfort was the worse it had been since my ordeal had begun all the way back on Heliopolis.

It was actually kinda amazing I had no broken bones. Yeah, I smelled a little funny and was soaked, and probably had bruises for my bruises too. Then general sleep deprivation and fatigue. But nothing was broken. Maybe I had strained something somewhere but I couldn't tell. Finally, all I needed to do was look up at the sky and open my mouth for a little bit to get some water.

Basically, I needed sleep. And food. Both things looked like they were going to be impossible to come by.

I finally sat down in an alleyway, which had some kind of retractable roof covering over my head so I could get some shelter from the rain. The temperature felt surprisingly cold, and my eyes were aching. I so badly wanted sleep. But my fear was still keeping me awake.

I didn't even manage to get a disguise. I was still stuck in my pilot's outfit.

I had nothing to reward me for my trouble other than a ZAFT assault rifle that had an unknown number of shots in it. I didn't have any extra clips, I had no clue how to accurately fire the thing, and this was not the time or place to figure that out.

The rifle was more of a burden than a relief.

Finally, I could stay awake no longer and finally nodded off. I couldn't think anymore, couldn't act, couldn't function in any way minor or major.

It was stupid to fall asleep. I know that. But even though I seemed to be transforming into a soldier, I didn't have any basic training. No abuse from drill sergeants. No 5 a.m. wakeups. I was trying to transition from civilian to soldier without the six weeks in a camp somewhere. I just could not keep going like a soldier could. I can't function without sleep, without food, without water. No amount of reason or judgement could overrule my body.

Two hours would pass by before I woke up. And when I did wake up, it was not by under my own power.

Someone found me.

* * *

Something really strong washed through my sinuses all of a sudden and it jolted me from a murky dreamland back into the dark, harsh, wet reality. It shot my eyes open, and I saw myself staring into human eyes.

Before I could cry out, the man put his finger in front of his lips. "Ssh. Friendlies."

"Friendlies?" I repeated dumbly.

The man positioned his left shoulder in front of my face and pulled down on a piece of velcroed fabric, revealing the flag of the North American Federation. "Special forces. We're here to get you and recover the Strike."

"What?" I asked.

There was another voice, a woman's. "ZAFT patrols are beginning to move out. Looks like they're starting a sweep of the area. Desert Dawn's not doing so hot."

"They gotta hold out long enough for us to get this girl and the Strike out of Tassil," the man said.

"What are you talking about?" I asked. "The Strike's dead."

The man shrugged. "As far as we know ZAFT hasn't been able to move it yet. We have a transport on the way from the _Archangel_. Desert Dawn is to create a diversion to keep the ZAFT occupied while we get you and the Strike out of town."

As audacious as the plan was, what stunned me the most was a single word. "The _Archangel _is here?"

"Yeah," the man said. "They tried to get to you but couldn't make it. They wound up landing somewhere near here."

That, for some reason, made me feel like I was a part of the world again. Tears came to my eyes, not because of pain or sadness, but because of a sudden rush of hope that made my body come to life.

_They __haven't __abandoned __me. __They're __trying __to __save __me._

This is not a small thing despite what an outsider might think. Here I was, thinking that the _Archangel _was off in Alaska somewhere and suddenly they were right next door. They had sacrificed their safety in order to find me. That meant that my friends, the Orb civilians, Melanie . . .

They were all waiting for me.

I knew right away that I could not die. For them to have given up their right on safety to land in Africa, just for me . . . even if the Strike was a motivation, I had to be part of it too. Someone had to pilot the dumb, overweight thing.

Plus, they needed protection if they were going to try to make it to Alaska, or wherever they were going, the hard way. That would mean _me _again. So if I died here, who was going to keep them safe?

_Flay?_

No, it had to be me.

Something else popped in my head then. While the _Archangel_ made an effort to get me, what about Athrun? The person who actually _did _get me and prevented me from burning up in the atmosphere? He was important too, even though he gave me the impression of being a stalker before that heroic act. Would a stalker really risk his own life to save a girl?

Maybe, maybe not. I've never been stalked before. I don't know what typical "stalker" behavior is.

"The Aegis," I said. "What about the Aegis?"

"The Aegis crashed in a different part of the town. ZAFT has it locked down pretty well," the soldier said. "They're secondary objectives, targets of opportunity, nothing more."

He signaled something to his compatriot, and I realized that they were the only two Earth soldiers around. "Uh, what happened to the rest of the squad?"

"We're it," said the woman. "We got scattered due to the anti-aircraft fire and the storm. I don't know how the others are doing. Radio coms are a total mess."

"Cut the chatter, Noriko," the man said. "We've moving, _now_."

He turned his attention back to me. "Can you keep up with us?"

"Uh, yeah," I said.

"Then come on. We're going to take you to the rendezvous point and wait there for extraction," the man said.

I knew there was no point in trying to stay sitting down. It was time to leave. No matter how tired I was, no matter how miniscule the relief of my brief collapse was, the only way I was going to get a lasting rest was by getting to this rendezvous. I could doze off on the way to the _Archangel_.

I followed the unnamed man through the alleyways, while the woman named Noriko backpedaled behind us, her back to me. Clearly, Noriko thought that ZAFT was right on top of us.

At the edge of one of the ways out lay a public square. There was nothing but wreckage and a few bodies . . . and a distant ZAFT patrol. There was no way any of us could try to get through that way, not without causing attention.

Or so I thought.

The man looked at Noriko and I. "You think we can sneak past them?"

Noriko shook her head. "Wait for them to pass. Get behind something."

We ducked behind the nearest piece of cover. The ZAFT patrol was not leisurely walking around. They were actively searching all around, their rifles aimed at every window in every building around them.

"They know you're here," I said.

"I'd be surprised if they didn't. I know at least a few of us made contact with the enemy. They know something's going on," the man said.

Noriko looked up. "We need to go, _now_. They going in the opposite direction, around a corner."

"Let's go." The man got up and took off and I only just managed to keep up as we ran across the square and into a shattered storefront. We take cover in there, and face the buildings across from us. Nothing is heard or seen moving, not even a stray animal.

At least in here it's dry. I'm sick and tired of rain at this point.

The man sighed. "Radio's still a no-go. Too much interference."

"We're not too far from a Desert Dawn pocket," Noriko says. "If we can make it there, that'll be as good of a place for Ensign Yamato as any."

"You know my rank?" I asked dumbly.

Noriko smiled. "We were notified of Halberton's promotion before we deployed, Ensign."

"And we outrank you," the man says. "Follow our orders and you will survive this city. Tassil isn't going to last much longer but there's some mountain redoubts not very far from here. Desert Dawn's busy making them their new hideout and the _Archangel _is hiding there as well. Just do as we say and you'll be on your way there."

While their orders and their reasoning were clear, I still had questions. A lot of them. I wanted to know _everything _that was going on. I had been cut off from everything and now that I kind of-sort of wasn't, I didn't care what I found out as long as I did. Does that make any sense?

In the distance to my left, where the square was, I could see the sky beginning to lighten up. It was still dark, as the rain remained unrelenting, but now I could see the clouds. And they were beginning to break up. The rain was not going to last much longer, and would fade as the sun rose in the sky.

After getting drenched repeatedly and mercilessly, some desert sun sounded appealing.

Noriko gave the man a look. "Out the back or down the street?"

"Out the back if it'll open."

Noriko moved, and she tried the back door. "It won't budge."

"No point kicking it down and making a noise," the man said. "Through the street."

"We're more exposed there," Noriko said.

"No time to argue. We have a primary objective, we need to get her to extraction," he said.

He motions Noriko out the front, and she takes the lead, and I follow her, the man right behind me. An uncomfortable realization hits me, that these soldiers were acting as shields for me, blocking any bullets bursts that may come from front or back. They _really _didn't want me to die, even if it was at the cost of their own lives.

Why would people sacrifice themselves just for me? I had never claimed I was going to keep fighting for the Earth Alliance. I never _was_ fighting for the Earth Alliance. I was fighting for the _Archangel_alone! Why were they insisting on treating me like I was one of their soldiers?

Was I really that valuable? Or were they trying to foster some sense of comradery to make me feel as if I belonged in the EA? So I would _want _to fight for them?

The thought was surprising and mildly frightening. If the Earth Alliance was going to risk their finest special ops soldiers just for a girl who had not guaranteed her involvement in this war until she got on Orb soil, they must be hurting for a pilot capable of shooting Coordinators down. I guess Mu La Flaga isn't good enough on his own. A Coordinator girl, no matter what her inexperience, in a GUNDAM machine, had proven herself valuable in the fighting she did in space.

Of course they would want her to stick around and kill more people!

As we moved down the street, I hoped I wouldn't have to kill any more Coordinators. At least not right now. At least until I could have the cold, impersonal way of a Mobile Suit. That was, of course, considering the possibility that the Strike was even operable. That thing had to have taken a hell of a beating.

But then, suddenly, things stopped going according the plan.

A ZAFT patrol emanated from around the corner. They spotted us immediately and began shouting alarms right as Noriko opened fire. Two ZAFT soldiers fell backwards, their guns firing wildly, and crashed into the ground.

I felt a force grab me by the shoulders and send me down the nearest alleyway. I heard the man's voice. "Move it! Hurry!"

I took off running.

I heard Noriko cry out, and I spun around just to see her collapse at the beginning of the alleyway. She was clearly dead or dying, the ZAFT must have shot her multiple times.

The man gets up in my face. "Go! We're not too far from the Desert Dawn pocket! Get there! I'll hold them off as long as I can!"

Behind him, I saw Noriko get shot a final time, and now she no longer moved.

The man cursed under his breath and raised his rifle. "Go, damn it! All of this is for nothing if you don't get out of here!"

"Y-Yes sir!" I didn't know how else to object, and I knew full well what he was planning to do, and there was no time to talk him out of it. When someone decides to make a brave sacrifice and become a dead man walking, it's best to make sure that sacrifice proves to be worth something. Like if it was for _my _life.

Once again, my life was more valuable than a pair of special-ops soldiers, who must've been trained and fighting for years, and had to be the best at what they did.

I took off running down the alleyway as gunfire roared behind me. I heard multiple people scream in pain and agony, and none of them sounded like the man. He was a good and efficient shot.

I rounded the corner and kept running. Being spotted meant nothing to me right now. All that mattered was getting as far away from the gun battle as possible.

When it felt like I couldn't keep going any longer, I found an open garage and collapsed inside it, and hugged the wall. I just could not keep running anymore, adrenaline wasn't good enough of a fuel alone. My reserves were completely gone, and my body felt like it wanted to shut down.

I just concentrated on trying to catch my breath so I could keep moving. No matter how badly my body wanted to collapse, like it had run an epic marathon, I was still too close to that ZAFT patrol, and probably to other patrols as well. A battle like _that _is going to get attention. Maybe the man would get some backup from his other soldiers in the area. Or maybe the ZAFT patrol would get other patrols to close in on the man and . . .

It occurred to me then that I didn't know the man's name.

That made me freeze for a second. It was almost if he had never existed, then. Just a nameless figure in my life, with me for maybe a half hour or an hour or so, and then he's gone, just like that. Same with the woman, Noriko.

Almost like phantoms.

That reminded me of Halberton talking about the "fog of war". Yeah, phantoms sound just right.

That's what people become when they're hidden in the fog of war.

Ephemeral phantoms, seen once, and never seen again.

* * *

I kept trudging down the streets and alleyways aimlessly. One thing was sure: I was completely lost.

The soldiers knew where they were taking me. They were moving with purpose, with direction. But I had none of that. The man had never given me an explicit idea where to go. He had merely told me that a Desert Dawn pocket wasn't very far.

It was beginning to lighten up around me, it was early in the morning. Darkness would not hide me for much longer. And my pilot's suit wasn't exactly meant for Earth camouflage. It was designed to be seen in the darkness of outer space so I could be rescued after being shot down in a battle.

I really needed some new clothing if I was going to keep running around.

However, the devestation to this city was becoming obvious. Nooks and crannies that never existed before now do. These created more hiding spots than ever. Of course, these things work both way, an enemy could come out of a shellhole or a collapsed building and either kill or capture me just like that.

As the day rose, so did the gunfire. It sounded like the ZAFT hadn't secured the city as much as it had appeared in the night. Desert Dawn might've just been probing around, and now that day was approaching and the ZAFT's advantage in night-vision was disappearing, Desert Dawn was eager to restart the battle on their own terms.

Tassil was not going to fall without a fight. And blood and death, for that matter.

How long before one of those battles erupted around _me_? Or _for _me?

I sat down in one of the corners and gobbled up my last protein bar. I was going to need the energy if I was going to get out of here, especially if I had to fight.

The distant gunfire gradually got more intense. I could hear explosions now. Even the _whooshes_of RPGs launching, followed quickly by additional explosions. No, these skirmishes weren't going to stay that way. They were becoming full-on battles. The entire city was going to become chaos in short order and I was still caught inside it.

At this point I didn't really care how I got out of this city as long as I got out.

I gave up on figuring out how to handle the rifle I had taken from the dying ZAFT soldier. I had slung it over my back and had my pistol out. The pistol I could figure out how to use and I still knew how much ammunition I had. The rifle was just too much of an unknown entity at this point.

I walked through the buildings slowly, cautiously, using any hole in the building or side or back door to manuever between them. There weren't any living civilians in any of them, unless they were hiding in corners I didn't wish to explore. Which was good. My goal was to avoid contact.

But, at the fifth or sixth building, contact became unavoidable.

I edged out the door, and stumbled right on a small ZAFT squad that had taken cover in the alleyway.

"What the-" a ZAFT soldier cried.

On pure reflex, I shot him in the chest.

I ducked back behind the door as a hail of bullets followed, riddling the back wall.

I heard the wounded ZAFT soldier groaning and yelling in pain and anger, and multiple yells for a medic by everyone around him. Above his din I heard a different soldier shout "Hey, that was the girl, wasn't she?"

"The Coordinator girl? The Strike's pilot?"

"Yeah, her! We gotta take her alive!"

"Then let's go! Take point!"

"_You _take point, wiseass!"

Ah, the brave, powerful ZAFT army, afraid of a civilian girl holding a pistol. It would be hilarious if this was a movie or a game or something. Unfortunately, in real life, when the bullets are real and so are the people, these kinds of situations aren't funny at all.

I didn't know whether to run or to try to fight it out. I backed away from the door, slowly, surely, all of my attention trained on that open doorway for the first sign of a ZAFT soldier breaking in.

Shooting that soldier had been easier than the last time. Like it almost wasn't a big deal. I felt like I could pull the trigger at _will _now. Like it was an extension of myself.

It wasn't much different than learning how to pilot the Strike.

It's just another way of learning how to kill.

_Com e__on_, I thought. _Come __on, __come __on. __I'm __not __scared! __Come __and __get __me! __I __dare __you!_

Of course, I was terrified, but adrenaline makes you think funny things no matter how scared you are. Without meaning to, I was psyching myself into a frenzy, and suddenly firing this pistol was nothing more than pure instinct.

But I didn't need to.

Suddenly, I heard an explosion go off, and multiple gunfire sounds. The cries of the ZAFT soldiers were quickly silenced.

My first inclination was that the ZAFT soldiers had been killed by either Desert Dawn or EA soldiers, but at this point doubting something was easier than trusting something. But I was nervous enough about getting shot by a so-called "friendly" that I made my presence known.

"Who's there?"

"Desert Dawn," shouted a young voice from beyond the door. "Who are you?"

Part of me felt liberated at the sound of that name, but enough of me remained suspicious to not let down my guard. "Ensign Cagalli Yamato, Earth Alliance forces."

Was I Atlantic Federation? Eurasian? East Asia? It occurred to me that I didn't know which Earth Alliance federation I was serving. Halberton was from North America, part of the Atlantic Federation, so I guess that? Did it really matter to anyone, though?

"Atlantic Federation," I finally added as an afterthought. "I'm really from Orb, but I'm serving-"

"Yeah, I get it. I heard you're from Orb."

Then he showed himself, and he was every bit as young as he sounded. He had medium-brown skin and his hair was the same shade. Most surprisingly, he had blue eyes, hinting at a mixed heritage.

"You're also speaking English, which I heard you're pretty good at," the young man said. "So, you're looking for a ride back to the _Archangel_, I assume?"

"Yeah," I said.

He grinned. At that point he looked like an ordinary teenage boy, not like someone who just helped kill a bunch of enemy soldiers. "Good for you. The Earth Alliance special forces and we just retook the Strike. Now you can pilot it and kill the Desert Tiger for us."

"Desert Tiger?" I asked, having no clue what the heck he was talking about.

"Ah, I can fill you in on that later. We need to get you out of here and underground. The underground still belongs to us. The ZAFT didn't search it well enough, they were caught completely off guard this morning, we have them on the run . . ."

The young man sighed. "Never mind. We can talk once we're underground."

"Uh, just one thing," I managed. I had made this mistake with the special forces soldiers, and I wasn't going to repeat it here.

"Yes?" the young man asked.

"What's your name?"

The young man smiled warmly. "My name's Ahmed."


	24. Guiding Hand

Thanks, everyone!

WritingKnightmare: Thank you! I'm glad to make you happy!

Drair: The reason why Tolle and Cagalli are a couple here is because I thought it was a natural way to show the differences of what would happen if Cagalli's in Kira's place. Tolle already likes a tomboy (Miriallia) in canon, and Cagalli is even more tomboyish so there's that . . . plus Tolle was Kira's best friend in canon, so it made sense that Cagalli and Tolle could develop an even closer relationship here. It just seemed to work even though it's crack pairing-esque.

Thank you for reading!

372259: The Asucaga interactions will start again soon. The point of this story is to have it viewed from one perspective, but you will see Athrun's side of things eventually.

animefan29: Keep in mind that what Cagalli's theories may or may not be true. This is just her perception, her conjecture. However, she has a pretty good read on things.

Here we go again! Hard at work on getting 25 ready to go already.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Guiding Hand  
**  
It wasn't very long before Ahmed led me to a building and we walked inside it. Inside were other Desert Dawn fighters, and most of them looked like they had been in war forever. They looked battle-hardened but exhausted, their eyes seeming to stare into blankness, with grim determination on their faces. Their qualms about war were stifled by their vows to continue fighting ZAFT . . . or, perhaps, their hatred of Coordinators. North Africa and the Middle East were notorious for being anti-Coordinator hotbeds.

How did these people feel about there being a Coordinator in their midst? Did they care? Or had they not been told that I was one? It occurred to me that Desert Dawn might not know. I hadn't told Ahmed that I was a Coordinator because of this fear that the Atlantic Federation might have deceived Desert Dawn in such a way, or misled them into thinking I was a Natural.

Unless the topic got brought up, I decided to keep that piece of information to myself. Something told me that Desert Dawn wouldn't be happy to discover that their men were getting killed over a Coordinator pilot.

"How long has the fight for Tassil been going on?" I asked finally, to break my own nervousness and get some kind of dialogue going with Ahmed. He seemed to be the only one capable of speaking a language I was fluent in.

Yeah, as I heard the fighters talk, I could make out some of the Arabic, but not enough to get more than a few words. It just confused me to listen to them more than helped.

"Only since yesterday," Ahmed said. "After you crashed."

So _I_ was the reason. That made me feel guilty, until I realized that Athrun had to have steered me right into town. The blood was on _his _hands. Unless he had lost control himself . . .

"You think you can hold the city?"

"Probably not. A couple of hours before I found you I heard the Desert Tiger himself was bringing his main force here. It seems that ZAFT wasn't ready to attack this town yet and you and another pilot crashing into it forced their hand."

There it was, that mention of the 'Desert Tiger' again. Why did he expect me to know what he was talking about?

"Who's this 'Tiger'?" I asked.

"Andrew Waltfeld," Ahmed said. "He is supposed to be the most brilliant Coordinator on the Earth right now. No matter what we do we haven't been able to score a victory against him."

Ahmed sighed. "Of course, things have gotten better the last few days. Eurasia and the Atlantic Federation have felt like providing air and special forces support. Probably over _you_ but I can't say I'm surprised. From what I heard about you, you've been able to kill the Coordinator bastards. That makes you important to them _and _to us."

That pretty much confirmed it without anything outright being said. Ahmed had no clue I was a Coordinator. So, I was going to need to play along until I was back in Earth Alliance hands, rather than Desert Dawn's. Ahmed and everyone else were potentially hostile.

"I would think so," I said. "Haven't fought any land battles yet though. I've just been up in space."

"What's space like?" Ahmed asked, his voice suggesting genuine curiousness.

"Weightless," I said, not really wanting to get into it. Not when I had so many more questions.

Ahmed turned to face me. "You think you're hilarious, don't you?"

"I've found that taunting my enemies can provoke them into making mistakes," I said. Quickly realizing my _own_mistake, I rectified, saying "Not that I'm implying _you're _an enemy. I . . . you know what I mean."

Ahmed shook his head. "Typical outsider."

That kind of made me feel bad, as we went down some stairs into a basement. I wasn't a typical outsider, but I had shown typical ignorance in my words.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I haven't gotten a lot of sleep or food or water or much else. I'm not thinking straight."

"Most of us haven't gotten a lot of sleep or food or water either," Ahmed said. "Consistent supply lines are nothing but a dream to us."

"I just want to help you," I said as we approached another door, which looked like it was tightly locked. Two of the men went over to unlock the door. "It's not like they're going to evacuate me. I don't think there's any way they can get me out of here, not without destroying this 'Desert Tiger' first."

"It's not that," Ahmed said. "Our collective enemy is the Tiger, but Sahib Ashman has always been hostile to the Earth Alliance. If he thinks you're going to walk on out of here, he'll destroy the Strike _and _you."

"Sahib Ashman?" I asked.

"The leader of Desert Dawn. Has fought in many wars, even before PLANT came unto its own. Before PLANT, he fought the Earth Alliance to hold onto what few remaining fossil fuels that remained. He has fought all of his life, and he does not trust you people. He _will _kill you if you try to leave, and most of us here will obey any command he gives no matter how reasonable or unreasonable it may seem."

"Sounds like a pleasant guy," I said, before I could stop myself.

Ahmed did not spin around and yell at me, but his voice was testier. "Don't mock him. He's held us all together single-handedly. He is the only one who inspires people to follow him. Who manages to get people to resist the Tiger rather than kowtow to him."

The men opened the door, and we walked into the underground. Surprisingly, it didn't smell that rank. Maybe no one had been using it for a while. Or perhaps this wasn't a sewer at all and instead was a truly elaborate underground passage. Or maybe I was just used to bad smells at this point, so inured that some new ones weren't making an effect on me.

"So if he does not trust the Earth Alliance, why is he working with them to help me? The 'enemy of my enemy is my friend' kind of situation?"

"Yes," Ahmed said. "Most of the people here would prefer an Earth Alliance victory, but that is choosing between bad and worse. At least bad is predictable. Worse is not."

It sounded like the Tiger was a really pleasant person too. I wondered if I was going to face him.

"How the heck are you guys going to get the Strike out of the city?" I asked.

"We're not," Ahmed said. "_You _are."

"Huh?" was all I managed to say.

"They're trying to power up the blasted thing for you, Ensign Yamato," Ahmed said. "You're going to be walking the thing out of the city."

Suddenly, what seemed to be a reasonable plan didn't seem like one anymore.

* * *

The Strike was still sitting where it was, looking like an absolute wreck.

"Is this thing even remotely flyable?" I asked no one in particular.

One of the soldiers by the Mobile Suit shook her head. "No. You're going to have to walk it back. I'm not joking."

I just stared at her, and then stared at the Strike. I had been through a night of hell in this city, walking around in circles, just to wind up where I had started, and learning that my salvation was _this_.

I almost felt like laughing.

The soldier sighed. "I think this can give you ten minutes of Phase Shift, plus five more minutes of unguarded power. That's enough to get out of Tassil. Once you're to the east of the city, you'll be beyond ZAFT's front line. The _Archangel _can take care of everything else from there. They're trying to get at least one Skygrasper fly-ready so some kind of air support can be provided for the ground units to get you back."

Fifteen minutes, five of which I was going to be completely vulnerable. That's all I had? Really?

A desperate plan clinging to a lot of things.

"This is not going to work," I said. "There's gotta be a way to transport this thing out of the city."

"Don't have the equipment and ZAFT has air superiority, they'd blow up any transport trucks we could bring here," the soldier said. "This is the only way."

Ahmed smiled. "We managed to chase off most of the BuCUES. That would be giving you the toughest fight around here. There might be a couple left but we'll handle them."

Was that supposed to make me feel better, Ahmed? I didn't even know what a BuCUE was at that time.

I remembered the robotic wolf-looking thing from yesterday. Had that been a BuCUE? The thing looked terrifying from the ground level, that was for sure. Would it look the same from a GUNDAM seat?

"So when is the Strike ready?" I asked.

"We just drained the last battery we could bring," the soldier said. "Get it out of here. Tassil is going to fall very soon, and ZAFT is trying to take the eastern side of the city, trying to cut us off and surround us inside the city. If you can manage it, cause some chaos. Make it easier for the rest of us to get out."

"Just don't hit the wrong side," Ahmed said. "Desert Dawn is fighting everywhere."

I could only wonder how easily I could keep that in mind, considering I was going to be entire stories above the Desert Dawn forces. How could I avoid stomping on a truck or a bunch of people if I had no clue they were there?

I was going to have to guess where I stepped. At least I could see where the buildings were. I could avoid those, that is, if something didn't plow me into one.

Those wolf-things looked like they could.

The Strike looked like it had seen better days, but it looked like there was no other plan. They were right, it would be extraordinarily difficult to just drive the Strike out of the city. It's best way out was when it was fully powered and armed. But with the Phase Shift rapidly draining what power there was, how far could I possibly get before the Strike would be doomed?

I decided the only way to find out was to try.

I could make vent air in from the outside, so I wouldn't suffocate the way I would in outer space. That was an advantage to fighting on Earth. I didn't need things to be completely sealed. If necessary I didn't need a helmet.

A convenience, of course, but not a necessity.

"Fine," I said. "I'm going to take the Strike out of here. You want me to head east, right?"

"To the east," the soldier confirmed. "I'm going to get everyone clear of the building to give you more room. We need to evac anyway, ZAFT is coming and fast. We can't keep them away from this place for much longer."

"Joy," I grumbled, I couldn't keep my mouth shut at that point.

The soldier frowned. "There's no need to be so sarcastic, Ensign. In subordination isn't tolerated."

I was about to point out that I was not a member of their military until the word "Ensign" resonated with me. Then I realized that the soldier was telling the truth. I _had _enlisted. Or, rather, had been "volunteered" by Natarle Badgiruel and promoted by Lewis Halberton personally.

So were my friends, and by this point, nearly every Orb civilian onboard the _Archangel_. They all had become soldiers. There was no one innocent left on that vessel anymore . . . other than Elle, and that was because she was just a kid. Not even Badgiruel would _dare _to enlist Elle, would she?

Just the thought of Elle sitting by a flak gun made me want to walk up to Badgiruel in the Strike and squish her flat.

I was under the Earth Alliance's authority until we made it to Orb. And even then, who said that the _Archangel _had to stop there? We were soldiers. We had to follow orders. If they wanted to, we could be stuck on that ship forever.

I wonder how many of us were actually looking forward to serving the Earth Alliance and wouldn't mind such a fate. After all, this could be seen as a once-in-a-lifetime adventure. None of _them _had to go out in the Strike, after all. No, they were safe behind their metal armor and gigantic engines. Except when they weren't, like what happened to that last battle before we entered the atmosphere, and several Orb civilians were killed over it.

No one really thought about what it's like for me to go out there, expose myself, and fight. The stress they had to deal with was nothing compared to my own. Every moment for me was terrifying and horrific. If I did my job, the _Archangel _may not see any action at all.

And yet, like I could just become a soldier again like clockwork, was the Strike, and I was expected to pilot it.

I couldn't even choose my weaponry. I was stuck with the Sword Pack, the same pack I had entered the atmosphere with. Out in the open, in the desert, it was borderline useless. Those wolf-things, with their cannons, they could shoot me at will.

And yet I was expected to just walk out of here.

What a plan. What an asinine, suicidal plan. And that was our only bullet. _My _only bullet.

"Fine," I said, after a long pause. "Get eveyrone out the building. I'll walk the Strike out. Give me as much cover as you can."

The soldier nodded. "Excellent, Ensign. Just so you know, you'll hopefully be within communication distance of the _Archangel _once you leave city limits. The buildings are interfering with radio communications in here."

The buildings would be nonfactors if it weren't for the fact that the N-jammers were interfering with communications. It was made incredibly clear about how the rules changed down on Earth. It's like all forms of communication had reverted back to where it was in Anno Domini. And when I mean Anno Domini, I'm talking about "lucky to exist in Anno Domini's 20th century".

"So what, I just call for help?" I asked.

"They're the ones who'll get you back the rest of the way," the soldier said.

I just shook my head. What a stupid plan. Desperate and reckless.

Ahmed, for his part, just gave me a thumbs-up. "Give the Tiger a headache."

I nearly flipped Ahmed off, but thought the better of it. I just simply said "Get your people out of here too," and walked towards the Strike.

Time for yet another battle.

* * *

The Strike, remarkably, was still operable. As I activated Phase Shift, I managed to turn on a power countdown, it told me I had fifteen minutes and 20 seconds of power, with about ten of those being under Phase Shift.

And the thing was clumsy as hell. I very nearly crashed the Strike into the left wall. If I had fallen, I would have brought the entire building down on me. I tried to blast out, but all I could manage was a pitiful lurch out of the building and into the middle of the street.

The rules _were _different. Down here on Earth, every bit of the Strike's sixty-ton weight was felt. The thing was an ungainly, slow metallic mess with a big sword.

Every step caused miniature craters in my wake. Nothing could support this monster. I could only imagine what was going to happen to me once I left asphalt and was in desert sand. I'd sink for sure.

I had no clue how to adjust the Strike so it could be more manueverable. I wished Kira was here with me multiple times, more fervently than I ever had. He'd know the proper settings. Why? Because he just plain _did_. I'd have never made it this far without his technical expertise. Without him, I felt lost trying to operate this behemoth.

I turned the Strike eastward and continued to stomp around. The Strike shook more than once, and it wasn't because of bad steps, but because every single ZAFT gun was now fixated on _me_. But the ammunition they were firing was nowhere near good enough to wipe out the Phase Shift. In fact, they were hardly even blips on the Phase Shift's radar. Even the rockets weren't making a dent in the Phase Shift. It represented an evolution in armor that made gunfire and rockets borderline worthless. Energy beams were the only things possible that could be threatening to me.

It wasn't long before I encountered my first enemy. It was just a helicopter, and considering the jerky movements it made the moment it saw me, it was just as surprised to encounter me as I was. I lifted the sword and swung it upwards, and cleaved the helicopter through the middle, and it fell to earth in two large, smoking chunks.

Why would ZAFT be so stupid as to send a _helicopter _to try and stop me? If I could obliterate GINNs almost at will, what made them think a helicopter would do any better?

Helicopters were a leftover of past wars, they were useless against the Strike, just like a lot of things.

It made me feel terrible about the pilots, though. Did they deserve to die because of their bad luck? No. But I had killed them anyway, because they were in my way. I had to escape, and if that meant killing another ZAFT soldier or two, that's what I had to do. I was a soldier, and I was following orders.

That's what I told myself as I worked through the city.

Finally, I stumbled on a clay wall and sliced _that _apart until all that remained in front of me was debris I could easily crush beneath this monster's girth. It was borderline impossible to trip over anything, the Strike's weight was just that massive. It would take a massive, momentous force to give the Strike pause on Earth, even if I couldn't take off.

Or so I thought.

The first step I made on desert sands told me an entirely different story.

I could only make it five steps into the sands before I realized something horrifying.

I was _sinking_.

The sands could not support the Strike at all, and instead seemed to turn almost into quicksand. It was more and more difficult to try to walk, and I realized I was a sitting duck with no way to shoot back.

What do I do? What do I do?

Was I far enough outside the city to try to reach the _Archangel_?

Kira, I needed Kira.

Kira would help me.

I found the _Archangel_'s frequency and as I continued to try to lurch forward, my colossus continuing to sink with each passing step, I began yelling.

"_Archangel_, are you there? This is Cagalli. Ensign Cagalli Yamato! Does anyone copy?"

No response, just static.

"_Archangel_, please respond! I'm just to the east of Tassil, and I'm down to eight minutes of Phase Shift! Please respond!"

Static.

"Someone help me! Kira, Tolle, La Flaga, any of you! Help me!"

I suddenly heard a faint voice. Miriallia's? "_Is that . . . Cagalli? This . . . _Archangel."

"I need help! I can't walk in the sands! Get Kira, I need help trying to operate this thing!"

The voice that replied was Natarle's. She was louder and clearer. "_This is _Archangel_. Ensign, try to proceed as east as you can. We'll launch La Flaga right away_."

"I can barely move, I'm sinking!" I wailed.

"_I'll have the prince on the line, now stop complaining and start walking_."

I heard multiple _beeps_, and I realized that three of the wolf-like BuCUEs and several helicopters were approaching my struggling machine.

"How about you get a trash compactor, huh? Because that'll all I'll need in a few minutes!" I shrieked as the first BuCUE opened fire.

The lasers hit a _lot _harder than any missile could. The Strike was nearly knocked on its back, and only by me scrambling with the controls could I keep the behemoth standing upright.

I looked in the sky, where the helicopters were circling. I got the bright idea to try to jump into the air and try to slash at one of them. I fired the boosters and rocketed into the air, but I couldn't get remotely close, they all saw me coming and flew out of the way, and I came down a _lot _faster than I had gotten up. I felt a hard impact as I came down and it put the Strike on its hands and knees, and I began sinking anew.

The settings were all wrong. There _had _to be a way to get this thing to operate better on Earth, but I couldn't find one. As I panicked and tried to look through the settings I realized that I had no skill with this language, only if someone told me exactly what to do. This was not something I could do on my own.

I had made it farther away from the city with that pathetic little leap, but it was not enough. Nowhere close.

"Help me!" I shouted.

Badgiruel's voice again. "_La Flaga will be launching a minute, Ensign. Stop panicking_."

"I don't have a minute!"

Mercifully, Captain Ramius was the next to speak. "_Ensign, you will be fine. We're coming to get you, understand? You've come too far to die now._"

"You think they give a damn about anything like that?" I yelled, and then I couldn't help but scream again as the wolf-like BuCUEs opened fire again, knocking the Strike over. I forced the Strike back up, and then it occurred to me that I was surrounding, and they were circling me like sharks.

Dying like this would be pathetic. I had survived a descent in the atmosphere and a night inside that hellish city, and for what? Dying out here?

Or were they trying to capture me all over again? I got the impression that they were trying to take the Strike intact. Perhaps that's why they hadn't already killed me? They knew I was floundering.

Damn it, I wasn't going to be a P.O.W! I was going to go home! I had to protect the _Archangel_and get everyone home! That was my job! No one else could do it!

Kira's voice, he sounded breathless. "_Cagalli, you have to reset the friction coefficient!_"

"What the hell is that?"

"_It's what will make the Strike stand on loose surfaces like sand! You need to set the sand's fluidity at negative 20! The Strike will take care of the rest!_"

I tried to find whatever Kira was talking about, but apparently he and his Morgenroete people had forgotten to create an easily navigated menu. "I can't find it!"

"_Cagalli, it's_-"

I could hear no more, because I was shot yet _again_.

No, multiple times. It was putting my Phase Shift on the brink. They were firing without holding back now. Had there been a change in orders? What if the Desert Tiger had personally taken command? Was he ruthless? Would he just kill me and not risk the casualties to his soldiers?

They _were _going for the kill. All of them. The helicopters, the BuCUEs. They were all shooting everything they had at the Strike. I was knocked on my back and promptly began sinking in the small sand dune I had wound up in.

I was at their mercy.

Damn it, if those BuCUEs could manhandle me like this, what could they do to the _Archangel_? The Desert Tiger could kill everyone in a single battle!

My friends, the soldiers, Elle . . .

No!

No, damn it!

Not _ever_!

* * *

It took me a bit to realize that the seed I saw wasn't just a reflex upgrade. It completely changed my thinking. I was a perfect soldier when I saw the seed shatter. And it is like every idea lost to me in panic appears to me immediately. I could _think _anything and act on it instantly.

When the seed reappeared and shattered in front of me, it was like a whole blank canvas had suddenly become a landscape with a clear, and stark image.

An image of death, of my triumph, at the cost of everyone who dared to oppose me.

My voice was a controlled instrument, firm and strong. "Kira, tell me the friction setting again."

"_Uh . . . negative 20_?"

"Thank you."

I found the setting in seconds. I realized I had seen Kira recalibrate these setting before. I just forgot how to navigate the menu because it was something I had only seen out of the corner of my eye, I had not given it full focus. But now, it was like I had. No, not just that. That I had spent weeks studying the interface and learning its naunces.

I changed the setting. "The pressure differential?"

"_Decrease it. You're no longer fighting in the vacuum of space. Set it almost to zero unless you're planning on flying anytime soon_."

"Got it."

I forced the Strike to stand up, and found it much easier. It wasn't perfect, but it would get the job done, until Kira could manage a more comprehensive upgrade.

Kira's voice sounded nervous. "_Cagalli, are you all right?_"

"I'm fine. Let me focus."

I saw the helicopters, and realized what to do.

I fired the boosters and shot in the air, heading right for one of the helicopters.

I swung my sword right at the cockpit and connected. It exploded moments after I had sliced through it.

I saw one of the BuCUEs within landing distance. I shifted the landing angle and came down right on the BuCUE, crushing it beneath my weight.

I aimed my sword and stabbed the wolf-like BuCUE right where the metallic beast's "neck" was. It sparked, and realizing it was going to explode as well, I jumped backwards and let it blow.

I didn't focus on that lovely demonstration of destruction. Another BuCUE had chosen to rush me. It was a dumb mistake, unless it was out of ammunition and had no other way to attack.

That didn't change the real fact that rushing me was dumb.

I took the sword and aimed it horizontally and to the ground, and the BuCUE could not readjust in time to keep itself from literally running through the beam. It slid into a small dune in two pieces, and one of them exploded.

One BuCUE and two helicopters. That was all that was left.

The two helicopters were turning to retreat. I wasn't going to let them run away. They weren't going to kill anyone else. Not while I was here. They had to die.

I realized I had the perfect shot. They were flying away to the west in almost perfect unison. I could kill them both with a single attack. But without a gun, all I could use was my sword.

But that was okay. The sword could become a projectile too.

I chucked the beam sword right at them, and the thing swished like a tomahawk until it went through both of them before it crashed into the ground.

I sprinted down towards the sword, slid to a stop, and picked the sword back up. One last BuCUE.

I felt glorious, invincible, exhilarated. This could not have gone better. They were dead-

The Phase Shift vanished, and I lost my seed the next moment.

No, I was wrong. For all of my struggling and fighting, and no matter how lethal I had been in that brief moment, I had overlooked something despite all of my thinking and reacting.

I just plain did not have enough power left.

No, the last person on this battlefield that was going to die was _me_.

And the BuCUE knew it. It fired one last salvo of missiles, and the Strike took heavy damage and was knocked backwards onto the sand.

But why was there no kill strike? Why? Was it out of ammunition as well?

It had a beam sword as well, and wielded it through its mouth. It ran up to me, and stood on top of me like a predator staring at its kill.

For all of that, despite giving it everything I had . . .

I could no longer save myself.

I had been so close.

_So _close.

But ultimately, I had been too far away.


	25. The Beauty of Gray

Merry Christmas!

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Five: The Beauty of Gray**

I couldn't feel its heat. Its energy. But I knew it was there. The moment it went through the cockpit I was going to be killed instantly. I mean, what would possibly happen to me other than being totally liquidified by the beam sword this wolf contraption has in its mouth? I mean, it's not like I know what being boiled alive feels like but it wouldn't last very long, would it?

There had to be _something _I could do. The monster was about to strike, and put that beam saber right through my cockpit. In a matter of seconds I was going to die.

What could I do, though? I had lost my Phase Shift and power to my energy sword.

But I couldn't just sit down and close my eyes and wait to die! As the BuCUE got into optimum striking position above me, its paws causing earthquakes in the cockpit as it stepped on the Strike, I realized that my acceptance of being liquidified was false. I was _not _going to let that happen to me, damn it! I had no weapons but I was going to fight anyway.

And then, I realized my only chance.

The BuCUE's bestial neck.

Just because I had lost Phase Shift didn't mean I still didn't have power. I forced the Strike's fists to move up and grab the BuCUE by the neck.

The wolf-thing was immediately halted, but immediately its right paw slammed against the cockpit, nearly making me lose control of the machine. And unlike a living, breathing being, I was not going to suffocate the BuCUE. The thing could hit me forever until the Strike was destroyed or out of power, whichever came first.

I did not need SEED mode to figure out what I had to do.

I forced the controls to respond and I wrestled the BuCUE to the ground to my left. Before the BuCUE could kick and thrash me off of it I forced the Strike's right fist to reach towards the BuCUE's mouth and literally snatch the beam saber from the BuCUE's jaws.

Immediately, the beam saber's power began draining. I had mere seconds before it ran out of power and became useless.

I was told later that I made the most horrific scream as I stabbed the BuCUE in its underbelly with its own beam saber. Like I was possessed, or had become a demonic monster masquerading inside a human skin. And in a way that was right. I had been possessed by the battle, by having to kill, and I had no mercy in me, just desperation and reflex.

The BuCUE sparked and thankfully did not explode. It just died. It did not have Phase Shift armor like the Strike so its armor plating did not turn gray, but it didn't need to. All that mattered was that I had won. I had managed to wipe out an entire BuCUE squad and accompanying helicopters with just a long sword and a Strike not optimized for desert warfare.

How powerful was the Strike? How well had Morgenroete designed this behemoth?

Apparently good enough for it to do its job, which was destroy ZAFT machines.

I wanted to try to move the Strike, but its power was so low that all I could do was move the Strike off of the BuCUE and put it to rest besides the dead, unmoving machine. It seemed I had killed the pilot rather than strike the power supply, which was why it hadn't exploded. In a way, I felt that it was good thing, one less threat to worry about. On the other . . .

Another life.

I was supposed to be _done _with killing. I was supposed to be in Alaska right now, maybe even on my way back home to Orb. To my parents.

Why did I have to be out here in these stupid sands having to kill people all over again? I even shot one guy in the neck in Tassil itself. Why could I not just go home and have the war mean nothing to me again besides the mild inconvenience of weak radio waves? Why?

Why did it have to be _me_?

But I knew the answer to that question already.

I had made the choice to sacrifice myself for the _Archangel_ and my friends. That's why I was here. I could have gambled that Yzak and his suicide run would have been stopped by the _Archangel _or he could have missed completely. But I had chosen not to take that chance and sacrificed. Because that was the right thing to do. That was the only way to protect everyone. My life meant nothing if my responsibility, which was that ship, the crew, my friends, were all destroyed.

I realized, right then and there, that I was no longer a civilian. I had lost that way of thinking.

I was a soldier.

I really was a soldier.

Despite the heat of the outside, I had no choice. I was going to suffocate for the _third _time if I did not open the cockpit. I opened it. I was a good distance away from the gates, the battle had kept me within sight of the town, but far enough away so a sniper couldn't get a good bead on me. Or so I thought. In hindsight, this was not one of my smarter decisions. My inexperience was showing once again.

I buried my face in my hands, but I forced myself not to cry. I told myself I had to accept this. That there would be no way to completely transition back into a civilian. To be my old self. This new me, the soldier me, was always going to be lingering. No matter what I did or where I went, my battles were going to follow me, and so would every single person I had killed, faceless, voiceless, or fully in the flesh.

The sooner I accepted this, the sooner I could fight again and keep protecting everyone.

I heard a voice on the radio then. "_Princess, are you all right? You look like you've seen better days!_"

I recognized that voice immediately. "Don't talk to me about 'better days', Lieutenant Commander."

I paused. "And, please, for the absolute last time, don't call me 'princess'."

"_Yeah, I should be calling you 'Ensign' anyway,_" Mu La Flaga replied.

"Ensign".

That really drove it even further home. I really was no longer a civilian. I was fair game.

I wasn't Cagalli Yamato, Orb college student.

I was Ensign Cagalli Yamato, Mobile Suit pilot for the Atlantic Federation.

And until I got home, that was who I was going to be.

Until I finally got home . . . and could be Cagalli Yamato, Orb college student again.

* * *

Tassil's fighting was terrible enough that ZAFT was still trying to pacify the city into the afternoon. Desert Dawn was fighting _hard_. To make the technologically superior ZAFT stop in their tracks in anything took either brilliance or grit. Brilliance was something I couldn't credit Desert Dawn for just yet, but one thing was sure, they had grit. And bravery. And they were going to fight to defend their homeland.

They put me into a jeep driven by the Dawn soldiers and they immediately shipped me back to the _Archangel _as they began preparing the Strike for transport. Multiple Skygraspers filled the skies, though I doubted they were all _Archangel_'s besides La Flaga. Cyprus was still in Earth hands, as were several nearby Greek islands. That's probably where the Skygraspers were coming from.

I turned on a radio to the Skygrasper channel to figure out what was going on, and it became clear that it was not fun up there. ZAFT was shooting at them with a vengeance. I couldn't take more than a minute of their panic and terror and pained cries as they were hit before I shut the radio off.

The driver was no other than the teenaged Ahmed. He had somehow made it out of Tassil. Apparently drove out himself. I wondered if he was going to become one of those storied soldiers, ones who would go neck-deep in a million battles and somehow come out unscathed. He didn't have a single scratch on him, his hair wasn't even that messed up.

He was respectful, though, just giving me a wave as I hopped into the passenger seat and he put the jeep into gear. He took a moment before speaking to me. "You did it. I can't believe it. You're as good as the rumors say."

"I was lucky," I said, not really wanting to talk about the battle. I was going to relive that battle for weeks, months, maybe even the rest of my life. Why did I need to remember it right _now_, right after I had fought it?

"That is not luck. You are amazing. _Amazing_. We finally have someone who can beat the ZAFT! Beat them easily! I can only imagine how easily you'd win with full power and ammunition."

"I don't want to think about it," I told him.

Ahmed sighed. "I know, I was just seeing if . . . you know what, never mind. I keep forgetting you're just like the rest of us. You're not different just because you're a pilot."

I could not help but wonder if Ahmed would say such a thing if he knew I was a Coordinator too.

Would he kill me if he knew?

Would I kill him if he tried to kill me? If Desert Dawn turned on me, tried to kill me, kill my friends, would I wipe out their whole resistance?

Weeks ago, the answer would be an obvious _no_. But now things weren't so sure. Everything was in shades of gray. No easy morality. Killing was the way to survive.

And I was beginning to scare myself. It was getting easier to kill.

I had killed all of those pilots without even thinking about what I was doing! The last one was without even seeing that seed!

As we went into a rocky crevasse, suddenly, I saw the _Archangel_. They _had _managed to find a good hiding spot, and suddenly, I felt heartened by seeing that. But a scary determination rose in me as I saw that ship.

My mission would not be over until we were in Orb and safe.

I remembered Artemis. Garcia. "_You like being dominant. You like resorting to violence. You make high-minded speeches about not fighting for military governments and putting up a pacifistic exterior. The truth is, you are a natural soldier. A little more battle-hardening and you'd be damn close to perfect._"

Was that true? Had Garcia read me perfectly?

After all, was this what I was becoming? A soldier? Ensign Cagalli Yamato?

No, I couldn't be a perfect soldier, could I?

I had let Garcia and everyone inside that base die to Nicol. I had chosen not to sacrifice for them and so everyone in that base died. That was going to happen to the _Archangel _the moment I stopped fighting.

No, not just the _Archangel_. Not now. Everyone fighting ZAFT was going to die if I stepped aside and refused to fight. Their lives were in my hands, and so was every ZAFT soldier who fought me.

I was going to need to separate them. Put everyone I wanted to protect in one hand and protect them, carry them with me, guide them to their goals. Then there was the hand carrying the ZAFT lives. I was going to have to _crush _every single life within it.

_Damn it_, I realized, as those thoughts popped into my head. _Damn it, damn it, damn it. What the hell is happening to me?_

"Are you all right?" Ahmed asked to my left.

I looked at him, and I suddenly realized I had begun crying. It wasn't super-obvious, just a couple of tears, but he had noticed.

"I'm just glad to see the ship again. I never thought I'd make it," I lied.

Well, sort of. I _was _happy to see the ship again for obvious reasons. But that was not what I was crying about. That makes it a lie, doesn't it?

"I understand," Ahmed said. "It is basically your home right now. You're lucky."

"No," I said. "The _Archangel _is not my home. Just my base. My home is . . . elsewhere."

"Until you get back to your real home, that ship _is _your home," Ahmed said. "You need to think of it that way. It'll make you want to fight for it, to protect everyone in there."

Thanks for stating the obvious, Ahmed. Ever thought that I wanted to be in denial?

I shook off the tears as we pulled up in front of the hangar bay. It wouldn't do for my friends to see me like this. I had to appear strong and defiant and ready to kick some more ass so they wouldn't worry about me.

I could pull that off, couldn't I?

* * *

It turned out I couldn't. Tolle was waiting for me and the waterworks restarted the moment I saw him.

I could barely speak as I saw him rush into the hangar bay, elbowing his way past a few of the stunned mechanics trying to fix a Skygrasper. "Cagalli?" he asked.

I bit my lip, and tried to speak, but only a choked whisper could escape my mouth. "Tolle."

I ran towards him and practically nearly tackled him. He grunted as I drove him back a couple of paces, but he managed to stand his gorund, and he embraced me, though nowhere near as tightly as I was embracing him.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I know I scared you, I'm sorry," I managed.

Tolle's voice was soft, warm. "I never gave up on you."

"Don't you _ever _give up on me," I said. "Never give up on me. I'm not dying out there. I'm dying of old age in a senior citizen's home. That's final."

"I know," Tolle said. "Do you want to talk about . . .?"

That was Tolle, trying to make sure I was okay. "Later."

"Okay."

We just stood there for a while, wrapped in each other's embrace. "I love you," I whispered to him. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

Tolle softly chuckled, and I could hear a hint of tears choking up in his voice as he responded. "It's okay, Cagalli. I love you too."

Why did I need to tell him that? At this point words weren't necessary to tell him how I felt.

No, I wasn't telling him that.

It was more to myself. I was reminding myself that I loved Tolle, not Athrun.

Athrun's action saving my life in the atmosphere was heroic and sacrificial if it had failed. But I could not choose Athrun. Choosing Athrun meant sacrificing my friends, including Tolle. Athrun's love was not worth the death of my friends.

I was reminding of myself of that. Why did I need to? Had Athrun's action affected me that much? I didn't even think of it that much while I was stuck in Tassil.

So why now? Why when I was in the arms of my actual boyfriend, did Athrun's action matter?

Was it because I never would have made it here if it wasn't for Athrun?

Damn it. I couldn't love Athrun. But now I was tempted to, because of what he did. His feelings were _real_. I don't think a stalker, even an interplanetary one, would sacrifice himself and his machine and go against his orders to save an enemy pilot. No, it wasn't like he wanted to possess me or anything else. Love had to have been his motivator.

But, again, loving Athrun meant that I would be abandoning my friends and this unlucky crew of various misfits working together. And I could not do that.

It just wasn't in me.

After a minute or so of being in his arms, I had calmed down enough that I was able to separate. I wiped my eyes with my sleeve. "I'm sorry. I should've _really _taken a shower before I did that."

Tolle smiled. "You need a lot, I think. You have raccoon eyes going on."

"Gee, thanks."

"I'm just glad you're okay. Your appearance doesn't mean anything. What matters is that you're all right. You're not even hurt. I just hope we can get out of here soon so we can go home. I have no clue what you've been through but it must've been really bad."

"We can talk about it tonight," I said. I knew I could not say _"later_". If I did that, I would never want to talk to him about my night of hell. I needed to trust Tolle and that meant that I needed to open up to him rather than cramming everything down inside me to the point where it would boil over and then I'd wind up alienating him . . . and possibly everyone else.

"Where's everyone else?" I asked.

"They're on the bridge. I can take you there. They're doing a lot of important stuff so Badgiruel wouldn't release them. The captain managed to get Badgiruel to let _me _leave though. The captain seems to be the only person left onboard who realizes we're still Orb civilians despite our military ranks."

"We're not civilians anymore," I said.

"Huh?" Tolle asked, his eyes widening in surprise.

"These military ranks are real. So are our enlistment papers. They're real. We're actual soldiers, Tolle. And now that we're stuck down here, you know what makes that time in space? Basic frickin' training."

"Cagalli, I . . ." Tolle looked down. "I-I guess."

What had made me say that? I didn't need to be so frank and brutal about it.

"I'm sorry," I quickly said. "I'm just . . . I'm just cynical right now. And tired. I really need a shower and a bed."

"That sounds like a good idea," said a familiar voice.

I turned and saw the prince. He wore his Earth Alliance uniform, displaying his "Petty Officer" rank, rather handsomely.

"Prince Kira," I said.

Kira just laughed. "My title right now is 'Petty Officer Kira Yeley Athha'," he said. "Until I'm off this ship the 'prince' title doesn't mean a whole lot."

He walked up to us. "Tolle, can you excuse us for a moment?"

"Uh, sure, why?" Tolle asked.

"I have to talk with Cagalli about something important. It's regarding the Strike."

"Oh . . . okay. No problem. I _would _like to take her to the bridge so she can talk to her friends. I'm sure Elle wants to see her too."

That's right. Elle! The girl I had promised to save! I had to see her as quickly as possible!

But before I could take off Kira kind of stepped forward in front of me, all while maintaining his eye contact with Tolle. "This won't take long, I promise."

"All right," Tolle said, and he walked over to some strange machine by the Skygrasper. It looked almost like the Morgenroete simulator at the . . .

Oh crap.

_Tolle, if you get any ideas in your head about trying to fly a Skygrasper so help me . . ._

But Kira jarred me out of my newest worry just by his darker tone. I had never heard Kira use so suspicious of a voice before. He had always sounded so kind.

"Cagalli, I know what I heard on the radio and I didn't like it."

"What do you mean?" I asked, even though I had a feeling what he was getting at.

"I heard your voice. It _changed_. You sounded older, almost robotic. You did not sound like yourself anymore."

Oh no. He's talking about the seed back in the battle. The realization that it was no longer my secret made my heart slam against my chest to the point where it started to ache. I wanted to get away from him but he was the son of the Lion of Orb. He would not let me walk away. He had too much strength in him to let this go.

"I . . . I . . ." I had no idea where to begin, so all I could do was stammer.

"I'm beginning to think you're starting to develop an alternate personality, Cagalli. And that is scaring me," Kira said.

"An alternate personality?" I repeated, not quite believing my ears.

"Yeah. My father told me about this once, a person who would be totally different once he got into battle. He called it a 'berserker'."

"A _what_?"

Kira's voice softened. "I'm worried about you, okay? I don't . . . I don't want to hear that voice again. It's already bad enough I heard you shrieking like some kind of demon when you made your last kill, but I can understand that. That was _you_. And considering your situation I don't blame you for screaming."

He paused. "But that voice, your other voice . . . it was more terrifying than any scream I could hear."

"Get to the point," I said, both from wanting to run away from him and yet also wanting to hear what he was trying to tell me.

"It sounded like . . . it sounded like you had lost your soul," Kira finally said.

I froze. Completely, utterly froze. I had no way to respond to that.

"You had no trace of humanity at all. There was nothing but this eerie . . ."

Kira, paused and bit his lip.

"Kira, please," I finally said.

Kira's eyes looked right at me, in what seemed to be this combination of fear and sympathy. "Cagalli, I felt like I was talking to a monster."

I could only stare.


	26. Just A Girl

Happy New Year!

Sorry, no time for individual replies, not if the post is going to happen today. But I will say that I chose the "Yeley" middle name for Kira because I felt that "Yula" sounded too feminine for a boy. At the same time, I wanted something fairly similar and found the name of a random NASCAR driver named J.J. Yeley. That worked out pretty well. All of this is an IMO though.

EDIT: A couple of minor errors fixed. Thanks for the catch WritingKnightmare.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Six: Just a Girl**

My stare must have been something searing, because after a couple of seconds Kira could not hold his gaze. His voice was soft, apologetic. "I've never heard anyone sound like that before. Not even Badgiruel at her worst comes close."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked. "We are right in front of Tolle. I don't want him to hear this."

"He's looking at the Skygrasper simulator, he's not paying attention to us," Kira replied. "And don't change the subject."

"I don't want to talk about this," I said, and I moved to get past him. "If we're going to discuss this, let's make it tomorrow. I need a shower and sleep."

Kira's words, however, proved more resonant than I expected, they made me stop in my tracks. "The war's changing you, Cagalli. I don't want it to change you more than it already has. You let this war transform you any further, you could become worse than the people you are fighting."

"Stop it," I said, barely remembering in time to keep my voice low so Tolle wouldn't hear me. The last thing I needed was him listening to this conversation. "Stop talking like this. I'm not a monster."

"I'm not saying you are," Kira said. "But I can see the look in your eyes. I've seen that look on many Orb veterans of previous wars. Whatever you went through in Tassil . . ."

"Enough," I said, having heard way too much. "We can talk about this _tomorrow_. I want a shower and sleep. Whatever look I have in my eyes, it's probably because I never got to sleep in Tassil."

"But-"

"Kira, I'm not going to listen to you. Just fix the Strike like you always do. We're all out here in the desert, now I have to keep doing my job. I have to protect _everyone_."

"I'm just worried about you," Kira said. "I'm at least thinking about what it is like for you to be out there fighting."

That made me _snap_. I was still aware enough to know not to yell, I didn't want anyone else's attention bearing down on me. I got up right in Kira's face, which startled him and actually made him back away a step.

"Don't, Kira. Just don't. You have no idea what it is like to be 'out there fighting'," I hissed. "No one will, no one other than another pilot. So keep your smart mouth shut and leave me alone. Save your sympathy and pity for someone who wants to hear it. Maybe Flay Allster would be interested."

I stomped away from him before he could try to answer.

Damn Kira. Why did he need to come up to me and say that? Say those words? As if I didn't have enough on my plate already! I was already terrified enough over seeing the seed a _second _time! Did Kira want me to stress out to the point where my hair would begin falling out?

The stress from using the Strike was already getting to me. I did not need any further stress to bother me outside the Strike. War is terror and boredom mixed in this unholy concoction and I had way too much terror and not enough boredom. I needed more boredom. I needed rest. I needed to sleep on this ship and not wake up for a while.

I needed to see the rest of my friends.

I did _not _need to hear that I could be turning into a monster.

Then all I would do is want to stay away from them, in case I wound up harming them.

Like hell I was going to do that! Isolating myself would just make everything worse!

So what if no one could understand what it was like to fly that thing! At least they cared! At least they didn't think I was a monster!

Stupid prince.

I nearly walked right past Tolle, who _was_trying to fly the Skygrasper simulator. I turned to my left and watched him try to complete a mission for a little bit. As I watched the mission unfold, I felt an ache rise in my chest as I saw Tolle try to get out of several dogfights and try to complete his primary objective: taking out a BuCUE squadron preparing to assault Earth Alliance forces near Panama.

Each missile and laser that was shot at Tolle made my heart ache even more, to the point where it felt like I was skipping beats. My imagination was taking control, I was seeing this as Tolle fighting for real. And Tolle's fairly clumsy reactions, and finally putting the Skygrasper into a stall, sent shivers down my spine and I covered up my mouth lest I distract him and have him get shot down.

I was witnessing a simulation of my boyfriend being shot down and killed.

Tolle could not pull out of a stall in time to dodge a flurry of missiles fired by a ZAFT ground battery. Multiple missiles slammed into his machine and the screen went dark for several seconds.

The screen blared "MISSION FAILED". Underneath that a "MISSION GRADE: F" emanated. All in flashing white and red.

Tolle leaned his head next to the headrest. "Aw, crap. I thought I had it that time."

I couldn't see this as a game where Tolle had merely failed and had to use up a life or a continue to retry. I saw this as an example of what would happen to Tolle if he actually passed the simulator and wound up flying a Skygrasper for real. He stood no chance, especially if he wound up against a GUNDAM! I had already gotten four pilots killed needlessly over having them try to take Athrun on.

I had to get Tolle out of this virtual cockpit before he wound up in a real one.

"Tolle, please, that's enough," I said. I was surprised by how shaken up I sounded. It wasn't just because of Kira, or merely because of what happened in the simulation. No, as I spoke, I realized why I sounded that way.

I was picturing Tolle being shot down for real.

No, not just by anyone. By _Athrun_.

Athrun cleaving Tolle's head clean off before the Skygrasper exploded into flames.

At that point, I never loved Tolle more or hated Athrun more. That image was enough to evoke a confused yet passionate plethora of emotions that I walked right next to Tolle and pulled him out of the seat and embraced him tightly.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Cagalli what's . . . oh."

"Please." I realized I was beginning to beg, and even though that felt pathetic there was no way for me to keep from sounding that way. "Don't do this anymore. Tolle, stay away from the simulator, _please_."

"Hey, it's not like it's for real," Tolle said.

"I don't care. I know you, Tolle. You'll get good enough that they're going to want to send you out there. I won't let that happen. You have to stay safe at the bridge."

"Are you serious?" Tolle asked. "This is just for-"

"Tolle, _please_!"

Tolle looked absolutely stunned for a moment.

"Please," I begged. I felt something hot and wet drip down my cheek and I knew I was beginning to cry again. Unlike meeting Tolle just minutes ago, these tears felt embarrassing, ridiculous, and I could not meet his gaze. I let go of him and turned around, and I felt like I wanted to go crawl in a corner and waste away because I felt so stupid.

"Please stay where I can protect you," I managed to say.

"Cagalli . . . probably by the time we get back home I still won't be good enough to fly," Tolle said. "This is just a time-waster."

"That's not it! We have no idea how long we're still going to be out here! We could be out here for _months_, Tolle!"

I looked at him, and realized he still didn't understand. He really couldn't fathom the consequences of what he was doing.

"I-If something happens, Tolle, and if t-they n-need people to fly the . . . the other Skygraspers, they'll . . . they'll, you know, call up the people who s-scored best on the simulator. And if that's you . . ."

I gave up on him trying to understand and turned back around, facing away from Tolle. "Whatever. Do what you want. I guess war is still a game to you."

I ran.

"Hey, Cagalli, wait!" Tolle yelled, but I didn't want to hear him.

The _Archangel _had suddenly become this impossible maze. I didn't know where I was going, nor did I care. I just wanted a corner far away from the idiot who wanted to fly.

Finally I stumbled into an empty bedroom and collapsed right behind the door. I leaned against the wall and hugged my knees and wished with everything I had that no one would find me, so I could just cry alone.

_Why?_ I asked myself endlessly. _Why does he not understand? He can't go out there! If he does he'll get killed for sure! Why doesn't he see that?_

I wanted to hit the floor, hit the wall, hit the beds besides me, hit myself. Anything to get the frustration out of my system, anything to take my mind off Tolle.

But guess who would come in other than Tolle himself?

He was breathless. "Geez, Cagalli!"

"Leave me alone!" I shouted, but I couldn't even bring myself to flinch when he sat down by me and he rubbed my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I won't fly the simulator. I had no idea it would freak you out so much. I'll stay away from it if it'll make you feel better, okay?"

That was only part of the point, and a minor one at that. Tolle still didn't get it. He still couldn't comprehend actually becoming good enough that he'd become a viable pilot candidate particularly if this ship got desperate. He could not make that leap from clowning around on the simulator to fighting for real.

I stammered a couple of times, then took a deep breath. I had to talk coherently. Blubbering wasn't going to help him understand. And blubbering wasn't like me either. I had cried way too many times that day as it was.

"I don't want you to fight. Not in the way I do," I said, barely managing to keep my voice from trembling out of control.

"I know, I know," Tolle said, and he held me close.

"I'm so tired. Tired of fighting. I just want a break," I said. I felt dizzy all of a sudden, or maybe drowsy? Maybe a combination of both? Maybe my freakout had taken the last remnant of my energy away and now my body wanted to shut down and collapse.

"Hopefully nothing will happen, Cagalli," Tolle said. He sounded so far away . . .

"I'm tired . . . tired of . . ."

Of . . .

I guess the best answer was that I was tired of _everything_.

But I didn't say that to Tolle. By the time the thought popped in my head, I was gone. The world had gone black.

And I fell into the tapestry of a nightmare.

* * *

I didn't remember the nightmare that I had. It wasn't like the Garcia nightmare. This one was far less vivid. It had been hazy, surreal, and seemed to involve spruce trees with knives for needles. Lastly, there had been blood, blood everywhere. On me, or someone else, I didn't know. But it was something that scared me, scared me to the point where I gasped awake and shot up in the bed I was in, nearly banging my head against the mattress above me.

I grabbed my head and forced myself to breathe. I had already forgotten whatever had scared me to death, but that was helpful. That meant that without an idea of what I had been scared of, it would be easier to get over myself and be able to live out my day.

A voice from my right. "Glad to see you're back."

I turned to the right, and I saw Miriallia sitting by my bed.

I moved part of the covers off of me. "How did I . . .?"

"Tolle carried you here. He spent hours watching you before I made him go to bed and said I'd watch you instead. Just in case you got up," Miriallia said.

Tolle had _carried _me? I suddenly felt weak and useless. I had never been carried by anyone since I had been a small girl! Why did he . . .

Oh wait. I had fallen asleep in his arms. Of course he'd move me. Tolle was a nice guy. He wasn't going to let me sleep on the floor.

Though I didn't think . . .

Wait a minute.

"He had help carrying me, didn't he?"

Miriallia smiled. "Yes. He begged me not to tell you though."

"Who?"

"Does it really matter, Cagalli? Don't you like need a shower or food or something?"

"Y-Yeah," I said. I wasn't happy about being reminded of that, because now I felt absolutely ravenous, even for typical _Archangel _slop.

"Yeah," I repeated, and got up from the bed with a sense of purpose. "Uh, do I have a . . ."

"Your uniform's right in the drawer."

"Thank you." I walked over and grabbed it. "I'll see you in the cafeteria."

"Yeah, will do."

I walked out of the room and walked right towards the showers. I had wanted to get away from Miriallia. It just felt creepy being watched by her. Was it because Badgiruel had admitted to me that Miriallia was the primary suspect for the murder of Elle's mother? Was it because I just had this feeling that my best friend was not so?

Or was it because I was afraid of the conversation going to places I didn't want it to go, like what had happened to me in Tassil?

Maybe it was both.

I just could not be sure anymore.

War was killing my trust.

* * *

I still could not find Elle, not before I wound up in the cafeteria and surrounded by my Orb friends. I listened to them regale me with the stories of re-entering the Earth's atmosphere, landing right here in the desert after they couldn't reach me, and then linking up with Desert Dawn.

Kuzzey in particular had admiration for Desert Dawn. "They just came in like badasses. A trio of BuCUEs came after us and they detonated mines and blew them all up. If that isn't a way to make an entrance I don't know what is."

"You are aware people died in those BuCUEs," I said.

Sai shook his head. "Better them than us. They're soldiers, they know what they're getting into. We're civilians just trying to go home."

"Are you saying you're fine with letting them die?" I asked.

"If I had to choose between them and you, I'd choose them," Sai said. "You die we're all screwed."

"I'm not that important," I said.

"The captain, La Flaga, and Badgiruel don't see it that way," Miriallia said. "They were desperate to find you. Especially Badgiruel."

The thought of Natarle Badgiruel being in a desperate panic proved to be an impossible visual. "Are you serious?"

"Badgiruel kept talking about calling in favors on the bridge," Kuzzey said. "I've been hearing Badgiruel may have been in special forces or something."

I was suddenly reminded of those special op soldiers in the streets of Tassil, sent specifically to find me. It made sense, except that Badgiruel wasn't of the rank where she could call in favors . . . unless she had impressed a particular superior officer.

Then again, a Coordinator fighting for the Earth Alliance would prove worthy of favors, wouldn't it?

"Is the Strike back?" I asked.

"It got loaded up a couple of hours ago," Sai said. "The prince's been practically living in it ever since."

That did not surprise me at all. After the way I had blown up at him, Kira probably needed to focus upon his work so he wouldn't snap at me the next time I saw him. Though Kira was hardly the kind to snap, perhaps the better word would be _brood_. That was something that was in Kira.

Tolle showed up then. "Cagalli! Are you feeling better?"

"Plenty," I said. While I wasn't completely rejuvenated, being back in normal gravity was helping my psyche, and having water and food made me feel human. I was still exhausted, my sleep had not been restful, but it had been better than nothing. But I was going to need another long night asleep, hopefully without another nightmare, before I would feel rested.

"Is what happened last night . . .?"

"Just stay away from the simulator, Tolle."

Tolle sighed. "I said I'll do it."

"How does the simulator work anyway?" Miriallia asked.

Tolle explained. "Basically you need to get five straight 'A' rankings in order to qualify for flying the Skygrasper for real. You're not supposed to be combat ready yet, but you're considered capable of going into _real _training. And in order to get an 'A' in the first place you pretty much have to be flawless. Just a minor mistake, even if you finish the mission and complete the objectives, can result in a 'B'."

"That sounds like a lot of work," Kuzzey moaned. He looked up at the ceiling. "I was considering seeing how far I could get, but if you have to do something like _that _. . ."

"I was told it's nearly impossible to qualify for training just by doing the simulator," Tolle said. "You pretty much have to be perfect."

"I bet even Cagalli couldn't pass the simulator immediately," Miriallia said.

"What's _that _supposed to mean?" I asked, surprised that Miriallia would say that. "If I can fly a GUNDAM I can fly a Skygrasper."

"Yeah, but I mean, you didn't set out to be a pilot," Miriallia said. "Even with your reflexes I think it would take a while."

"Probably," I said, knowing that Miriallia was probably right. My amateur mistakes piloting the Strike illustrated my flaws and inexperience. I'd probably fail the Skygrasper simulation if I tried it now, especially since the Strike was incredibly different from the Skygrasper. It'd be like learning to fly all over again.

I tried to smile. "But I'd pass eventually. If the Strike isn't repaired in time then I'll have to pass the simulator and fly a Skygrasper. Somebody's gotta go out there and it has to be me."

"Aren't you the martyr," Kuzzey sighed.

"Look, I don't want any of you to go out there fighting, I-"

"Cagalli!"

I could recognize that voice even from a mile off.

I spun around and got up from the table immediately. "Elle!"

She ran towards me and hugged my waist, and I held her the best I could despite standing up. It was enough to make me feel like I had suddenly been turned into Elle's mom.

That felt strange. Had I become so important to Elle that she needed me the way she needed a parent? Was it because I promised to protect her? Or spent all that time with her?

Or was it because I was the only person who was guaranteed to not have killed her mother?

"I knew you'd come back. I knew you'd come back. You're not done protecting us from the Coordinators yet."

"I _am _a Coordinator, Elle," I corrected as calmly as I could.

"Yeah but you're better than the others. Flay says so."

Instantly, alarm bells went off in my head and I looked up from the top of Elle's head and looked for Flay. And there she was, in uniform and with her fire-engine red hair, standing just a few feet away from the table.

"Oh, did she?" I asked, unable to keep all suspicion out of my voice.

"Yeah. She says that you're the good Coordinator and you're going to make sure the bad ones don't touch us. Like one must've touched Mommy."

It wasn't just alarm bells this time. Now it was an air-raid siren going off in my head.

_Damn it, Flay. You _have _to poison this kid's mind?_

Sai intervened. He knew me well enough to know I was ready to blow. "Look, Cagalli, Flay's just trying to-"

And I knew Sai well enough to know whatever explanation he came up with was not going to help. "Sai, do me a favor and shut up."

"Okay." Sai sighed and sat back down.

"What's wrong?" Elle asked.

"I'm going to have a nice long talk with Flay. Hang out with Tolle and Miriallia for a while, okay?" I asked.

"Uh, sure," Elle asked, her voice both concerned and confused. There was no time to explain to Elle, but now I was sure I was not going to let Flay near her anymore. Flay had made her prejudices known and I was not going to tolerate them anywhere around an impressionable and innocent girl.

Flay knew she was in trouble because she had already turned around and tried to slink away as my attention had shifted to Sai and Elle. But there was no escape. I marched right up to her at the edge of the cafeteria and she stopped.

"What? Here to tell me you own the place now?" Flay asked bitterly.

"No," I said.

"Then what is it? Are you going to try to preach peace, love, and understanding or some B.S.?"

"No," I repeated.

I wondered how to confront Flay. Just flat-out telling her to stay away from Elle wasn't going to help things. She _had _to be the one who killed Elle's mother, there was no one else! I couldn't come up with a motivation for her but she had hung around the crime scene like a killer admiring her work would! She had no right to hang around the kid!

As I was about to speak, I realized something important. _Flay has no role on this ship_. Other than being a custodian, and there were plenty of people who were doing that.

Flay's hands were idle. And idle hands . . . well, you know the saying.

I was going to need to find something for Flay to do. But what?

"Well?" Flay asked, her eyes narrowing.

Then it came to me. The thing that I didn't want Tolle to do . . . was _perfect_.

"Come with me," I said.

"Oh yeah? Where?" Flay asked, folding her arms.

"Do you want the Coordinators to die?" I ask.

"They killed my father, Cagalli," Flay growled. "And there's no one willing to avenge him."

I guess that could be taken as a "yes". As I listened to Flay, the rest of my plan formed in my head. I knew where to lead this conversation.

"You want the power to make a difference, don't you? You want to kill Coordinators. I can show you how to do that. And you won't be wasting time on this ship ever again."

Flay's eyes widened. "Wait, what?"

I had her. Now to make sure it stayed that way.

"There's something in the hangar that I want to show you . . ."

* * *

I led Flay right to the hangar. In the distance, the Strike GUNDAM was already here, being worked on by what seemed to be a small army of workers. It looked like Kira was in full control, instructing people around and having Kojiro Murdoch yell at people when things weren't going according to plan.

Flay stared, dumbstruck, at the Skygrasper simulator. "You _must _be joking."

"If you want to avenge your father so bad, take it into your own hands to do so because I can't and neither can Mu La Flaga," I said. "We have other things to do."

Flay glared at me. "I won't do this, Cagalli! I'll just get killed!"

"You're doing nothing on this ship other than cleaning toilets, Flay!" I said. "All you're doing is stewing in your anger and hatred. Use it rather than drown in it. Learn how to fly. Learn how to fight."

"This is a joke," Flay growled, but her eyes looked away from me. She knew I was right.

"I need help out there," I said. "Mu La Flaga and I can't protect the _Archangel_ from this 'Desert Tiger' without another pilot or two. We have the Skygraspers, but we don't have the pilots. But if you learn how to fly, you_will_make a difference."

Flay bit her lip. "But . . ."

She eyed the simulator. "Damn it. I just want the bastards who killed my father to die."

"Then learn how to kill them. Get stronger. Get smarter. I don't care. But I don't think you want to clean toilets for the rest of your stay here. We could be stuck in this desert for _months_, Flay. Perhaps even longer."

Flay looked at the simulator again. "Damn it!"

She stomped over to the simulator and turned it on. "Watch. I can't do it."

"I'd be surprised if you did the first time," I said.

Sure enough, Flay didn't even take off properly. The Skygrasper went into a spiral and plowed into the ground, exploding, and the flashing "MISSION FAILED" and "GRADE: F" flashed on the screen.

Flay punched the side of her seat. "See? I'll just get killed! I can't even take off!"

"The purpose of this simulator is to train you so you won't do stuff like that when you fly for real. Try again," I said.

Flay crashed again, but this time it took longer. Instead of spiraling into the ground, she wound up crashing right into a mountain.

"God!" Flay spat, and she held her head in her hands. "This is stupid!"

"Try again," I said. "You actually took off this time, you just forgot to compensate for the mountain."

"This is just stupid," Flay growled. But she gave it another go. The third time, she had the launch sequence memorized enough that she got a clumsy but decent enough launch and found herself flying.

"See? They've really made the Skygrasper an easy-to-pilot aircraft," I said. "It's almost like a video game in execution. Granted, you don't have the unlimited machine-gun ammunition and stuff, but you can-"

Flay shrieked. I looked at the screen and immediately saw ZAFT helicopters incoming.

"They're helicopters, Flay. You can outmanuever them. Try," I said.

"R-Right," Flay said, and she attempted an evasive manuevers as the helicopters fired their air-to-air missiles at her. She overdid her spin and wound up in a death spiral that resulted in her crashing into the ground.

Flay snarled at the screen and she punched the side of her seat again. "_Stupid_!"

"You're getting better each time Flay," I said. "I mean that."

Flay just looked at me. "You know I can't do this."

"Correction: _you think _you can't do this."

"I'm just a girl, Cagalli!"

"You don't have to be 'just a girl', Flay. Look at how much progress you made on just your third flight. I bet within a few days you might even start finishing missions."

Flay didn't answer. She just looked at the screen, which was patiently waiting to be used again.

"Give yourself the power to make a difference," I said. "And you won't be Flay Allster, 'just a girl'. You will be Ensign Flay Allster, a valued pilot on this ship and everyone will respect you and compliment you for being brave and rising above yourself. And those Coordinators? You can kill them. Or you can just keep cleaning toilets and drive everyone insane. Your call."

"Thanks," Flay growled, but she kept looking at that screen. There was something in her now, a determination to fly.

Just according to the plan.

"Now keep trying. You'll be amazed at the progress you can make. Just remember, you need to get five 'A' rankings in a row. That's your goal, Flay."

"Yeah," Flay said softly. She didn't move, just kept staring at the screen.

"Good luck," I said, and I turned to walk away from the hangar.

As I approached the entrance, I heard Flay growl again. I turned, and I could already tell she had either crashed or had been shot down. But she still didn't leave the machine. She was going to keep trying.

Which was what I wanted.

Flay had no piloting talent. She was panicking far too easily and overcompensating for everything that went remotely wrong. She stood no chance of qualifying for the Skygrasper training. She could try for weeks and months and still wouldn't be good enough to qualify because she just didn't have the right mindset to be a pilot. You needed nerves of steel and Flay didn't even have plastic.

_She'll never fly a Skygrasper or anything else_, I thought.

But now she would stay away from Elle, because there was now something to occupy her time. She now had something to do, something to strive for.

The plan was virtually foolproof, because there was _no way _Flay would become good enough to fly. She was hopeless! It couldn't be possible!

That's what I thought anyway, as I exited the hangar, hoping to keep Elle away from Flay forever.


	27. The Only

WritingKnightmare: I've fixed the error, thanks for pointing it out. Though I'm not sure Flay is being "taught" anything except how to kill . . .

Light-Sakura: I'm thinking you're probably right about this one. Cagalli seems to be underestimating Flay quite a bit. Not without good reason but Cagalli doesn't know Flay as well as she thinks she does.

Big-Babidi: We'll see won't we? XD

372259: Thanks for the compliments. I hope the story continues to be good in your eyes. I'm trying my best. ^^

One more thing: I'm finally on twitter! Look up **macattack50** sometime! I'm occasionally writing something about the fic there.

Now on with the chapter!

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Only**

There was one thing I had not accounted for in my master plan to keep Flay occupied and away from Elle. Sai Argyle.

I had royally pissed him off.

It wasn't until the next day that he confronted me over it. By that point, I had rested enough that I was able to keep my composure and not yell at him. I had to put my political science training to use in some way, and it should've mellowed me out more, but I guess I'm naturally more of a screaming commentator than a intelligent, layered diplomat. I guess that makes me more _exciting _but not someone to fix a particularly strained situation.

It was right in the hallway, and I was by myself. Elle was asleep in my room, taking the bunk across from Miriallia's and mine, and I was letting Elle sleep. Thank God.

"What the hell are you thinking?" Sai said the moment he saw me.

"It's not a big deal," I said as he stomped right up to me.

"Not a big deal? Really? You'd say that?" Sai yelled. "After the hissy fit you threw over Tolle in that thing you think it's okay to encourage the girl I love to jump in the simulator?"

"Big difference," I said. "Tolle's good enough to pass. Flay has no chance in hell."

"You're just assuming this!" Sai shouted. "Flay's addicted to that thing! She keeps trying to finish a mission! She almost did it last night before I pulled her away from it myself!"

"Look, getting five straight As in that simulator can't be easy," I said. "Otherwise we'd have a zillion Skygrasper pilots out there."

"Yet you freaked out over Tolle being in there," Sai said.

It was true. I had.

"Tolle is not like Flay," I said. "I think he could learn how to fly. I'm just looking for something to keep Flay away from Elle, that's all."

"That 'something' could get Flay killed too, you know!" Sai growled angrily and pounded his fist against the wall. "You don't think about anybody but yourself, don't you?"

That one finally set me off. "I am thinking about Elle, okay? What, is it wrong to be concerned about Elle when she's around Flay? You know what kind of crap Flay believes in."

Sai looked at me, and seemed to bite back a response before shaking his head. "She doesn't. She's just angry. You can understand that, can't you?"

"Yeah, but until she gets over it I don't want her anywhere near Melanie," I said. "I'm looking for something to occupy her time so she doesn't put bad ideas in Elle's head."

"It's all about the little girl," Sai said with a sigh. "Of course."

"Damn straight it is," I said. "Her mother is dead. She's my responsibility now."

Sai raised an eyebrow. "Really? It is?"

"Who else is going to do it?"

"Flay?" Sai said, his eyebrow still raised.

"No," I replied. "Not until Flay gets over herself and her petty hatred. I don't want Elle to grow up to be a member of some anti-Coordinator group because of Flay's crap."

Sai turned around. "I see there's no way to convince you that you're wrong."

"I am right," I said. "And you know it. You've had to have heard some of the things Flay's been saying, haven't you?"

"We'll see, Cagalli," Sai said, his voice so soft it seemed to be a wisp in the air. "We'll see."

He walked away, hands in his pockets.

I didn't know what to say to him other than what I already had. There was no _way _Flay could get five straight As on the Skygrasper simulator! She'd quit in a few days because she'd be sick of being shot down and by that point Elle will hopefully be detoxed of Flay's anger and hate. And, maybe eventually, Flay could work things out for herself. Maybe Sai, if he was so worried about her, could help Flay out with that.

It was odd. I didn't hate her as much as I had on Heliopolis, despite knowing more about Flay. But I could understand why Flay was saying the things she was, and why so much anger was inside her. She had lost her father to Coordinators from ZAFT, and a Coordinator, _me_, had failed to save him. To Flay right now, Coordinators were just scum, including me.

Okay, maybe I was one step above scum, like maybe a horsefly or something to Flay. Because I actually meant something as this ship's chief defender. But it didn't change the real fact that Coordinators had killed her father, killed him apparently mercilessly and so Flay was taking her anger out on all Coordinators.

She was just an ordinary girl filled with anger and no way to channel it or work it out of her system. After enough sessions in the simulator, maybe Flay would burn herself out. Grow sick of it and realize how stupid she was being. Or maybe she would keep smashing her head against the proverbial wall for weeks and months, still making little if any progress.

Whatever the case, Flay would never fly, but she would never spit her creed into Elle's ears ever again.

That was my goal with Flay, until she finally let go.

And she had to. All of that had to be a poison festering inside her. It's not good for someone to live with so much hate.

She _would _let go.

For her own sake, if no one else's.

* * *

I knew there was no way to dodge Prince Kira for much longer. If I kept avoiding him, Kira would bring the subject up with the captain, or Mu La Flaga, or, be still my heart, Natarle Badgiruel. I didn't need any of those scenarios to be happening, _especially _the one with Badgiruel.

The fewer who knew about this, the better.

It wasn't difficult to find Kira. As usual, he was in the hangar, sitting in the Strike cockpit, running some kind of program or making a modification to the O.S. Just like the good old days in space.

Even after I had yelled at him he was still willing to work on the Strike for me. That said something about Kira more than words could ever express. He had a compassionate and caring heart. It was nice that his ideals and his kindness were not getting beaten out of him by this war. If he never saw combat, and only witnessed it, it would be a triumph for me, and for this crew.

"Hi," I said as I leaned into the cockpit.

Kira sighed. "I'm going to need a new spot to hang out. You're finding me way too easily."

"I know you're not. This machine's pretty much your baby," I said.

Kira gave me a funny look. "That put the weirdest visual in my head. Thanks."

It took me a moment to realize what he meant, and then I saw what I thought Kira had pictured, the Strike GUNDAM in a baby's pajamas.

It made me blush slightly, I could feel the heat rushing to my cheeks. "Sorry."

"Nah, it's okay." Kira finished a typing spree right as he said that, and hit the ENTER key. He kicked back in the seat.

"All right," he said. "I've managed to optimize the Strike for its new surroundings. You're not going to be able to take off and fly, not without some serious booster attachments that we don't have, but you're going to be a lot more mobile and a lot more accurate."

"Will that be enough?" I asked.

Kira nodded. "I would hope so."

"_You _hope so? What about me?" I asked.

Kira sighed. "It's not exactly easy for me to send you out there with my adjustments, you know. If you get killed, that means that I screwed up. I didn't make the right adjustments to give you what you needed to win."

He had a point. I never considered what it was like for Kira when I was out there fighting. I wondered whether Kira truly meant he was thinking about me when I was fighting.

Did the prince of Orb actually _care _about me?

The thought made me freeze up for a second before I could shake it off. I couldn't have any flights of fancy. Not now.

"You've never screwed up," I said. "Not even when we first started this. You're not going to screw up now."

"Hopefully not," Kira said. "I know what the adjustments _should _be for the terrain and gravity but calculations and hypotheses are different than actually putting it into practice. I could be off."

"Let's just assume you're not," I said. "I mean, look. I was able to get the Strike out of Tassil without any adjustments whatsoever. It's on me if I get shot down, not you."

"You also kind of lost your mind," Kira said.

There we went. Back to the conversation from a couple of days ago. But now I was rested and ready to have it.

"I saw something, Kira. This is the second time I've seen it, actually," I said.

"Wait, this happened _before_?" Kira asked, clearly stunned.

"Yeah. Remember when the Duel pounded me into the _Archangel_? That's when it happened for the first time."

Kira shook his head. "And you told _no one_?"

"If I did everyone would believe I'm crazy for real," I said. "I doubt anyone's seen a brown seed explode in front of them and set off some kind of weird kill-everyone mode or whatever."

"Huh?" Kira asked.

"Both times, I've seen a seed the color of my eyes," I said. "It cracks and then shatters, and all of a sudden it's like everything I need to do to win the fight is right in front of me. Like I know exactly what to do and how to do it. The right manuevers, whether to shoot or slash or, I don't know, do cartwheels if I have to, it's all there in front of me, and I process it all in an instant and then act on the best one."

Kira stared at me blankly.

"That's how I was able to make your recommended adjustments with minimal instruction," I said. "I just _knew _where to put the settings even though there was no time to figure it out. In fact, I probably shouldn't have known the best settings. I have no clue how I did. My programming courses have all been pretty basic and none had to do with Mobile Suits."

"This is weird," Kira said.

"You don't believe me?" I asked.

"Oh no. That's just too strange not to be real. I've never heard of _that _happening, though. I know berserker attacks are real, as well as the 'dead man walking', but I've never known of some random seed appearing in your vision and exploding."

"Maybe it's something that only happens in Coordinators," I said. "Maybe we make a projection or something in our heads."

"Someone would've noticed it by now if every Coordinator could do it," Kira said. "And why would it be a seed? With your eye color?"

"You're asking _me _this? I have no clue," I said.

Kira rubbed his forehead. "Now I'm regretting asking. This is getting really weird."

"So I'm a freak?" I asked.

"That's not what I meant, Cagalli, and you know it," Kira said. "Have your parents ever told you about why they made you a Coordinator? Or who did the genetic adjustments?"

"My parents adopted me," I said.

Kira's face fell. "Oh."

"As far as I know, I was maybe two, three years old when my parents adopted me," I said. "They said they picked me up in an Orb orphanage one day and took me home."

I thought about what Mom had said to me about why they adopted me. "They said they hadn't been planning on adopting that day but when Mom saw me . . . she said she . . . she said there was something about me that made her decide she wanted to adopt me right away. She convinced my dad of it and within a week I was out of that orphanage and at their house."

Kira smiled. "I see. I never knew my mother, myself. It's always been my father in my life."

"Oh wow, really?" I asked.

"My father always said that my mother didn't live long after I was born . . . that's all he'd ever say about that," Kira said. "I've always took it as my mom died in childbirth."

"That's sad," I said.

Kira just shrugged and smiled sadly. "There's nothing I could've done about it."

"I know," I said. "I can't imagine how that feels, though."

"You get used to it, and eventually all of the other kids who have normal families stop being such a big deal. After all, complaining about it only draws attention to your own weirdness," Kira said. "Though I never got to know a lot of kids my age. I mean, my father runs Orb. I'm a security risk. I can't do a lot of things normal kids get to do."

"Well in this case it's a good thing. Because I would've died a long time ago if it wasn't for your work," I said.

Kira chuckled briefly. "I hope so."

Murdoch pounded on the side of the cockpit door then. "Yo, Cagalli!"

"What's up?" I asked, peeking out of the cockpit.

"The captain sent me to get you! You're needed on the bridge. Some kind of strategy thing."

"A strategy meeting?" I asked.

"Yeah. It involves the head of Desert Dawn himself," Murdoch said. "It's really important."

Kira nodded to me. "Get going. I'll finish up here."

"All right Kira," I said. "I'll be back soon."

"Yeah," Kira said softly, and I left him behind.

* * *

The bridge didn't have any of my friends on it, just the officers who had been running the show this whole time. I spotted Ahmed, though, who was hanging out by the entrance, his rifle relaxed. He gave me a smile as I entered the room but didn't say anything, and I didn't have time to say anything back.

"So, this is your pilot," said a bearded, middle-aged man who looked like he had actually gone through hell. He was muscular, and his beard was not large enough to disguise a distinctive scar on his cheek that suggested he had been in one serious knife fight. A bandanna that looked worn by sweat and dirt was wrapped around his head, and his bulletproof vest looked _just _big enough to wrap around his frame.

No wonder the man had kept a rebel organization together by force of will. He demanded respect just in his appearance.

The man who must have been Sahib Ashman seemed to size me up again before shaking his head. "Your chief protector is a girl who is clearly haunted and has yet to finish puberty. This doesn't inspire confidence."

I was not in the mood to be dissed by a man I barely knew. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? I've killed a lot of people in this war to protect this ship! What do you want from me?"

There were several audible gasps in the room, including all of Ashman's men in the room and Murrue Ramius herself. "Uh, Cagalli . . ."

Sahib Ashman just smiled. "Though her spirit isn't quite beaten down yet. She could have some use after all."

I was ready to tear into him again but Murrue got right in front of me. She placed her hands on my shoulders, and spoke firmly but soothingly. "Cagalli, this man is the leader of our only allies in this region. Please, I've heard you're a political science major, put it to use."

I wanted to kick Sahib Ashman's ass, but like with Garcia there was no benefit in trying to do so. Especially as, unlike Garcia, Ashman looked more than capable of handling me. He could break me like a twig and not lose sleep over it.

"You are clearly a civilian girl who has no business fighting this war," Sahib said. "Times must be desperate if a girl such as you is going to be pressed into combat service. But you are what you are. You're the pilot of the Strike GUNDAM, and we need you to do us a favor."

"A favor?" I asked.

"This is the strategy Ashman's outlined with us to destroy the Desert Tiger, otherwise known as Andrew Waltfeld," Natarle Badgiruel said. "We're going to start implementing it in the dead of night tonight."

"We're going to kill Waltfeld?" I asked.

"That's the ultimate goal, yes," Ashman said. "Our current enemy is the Tiger. I don't like how the Earth Alliance does things but you have the firepower and intangibles to help us kill him and free our people."

I could tell that no one was joking about this. They really did have a plan. Murrue looked at me again. "Cagalli, please have a seat."

"Fine," I growled and I sat down on the nearest chair facing Ashman. It figured that after two days of being on this ship and not interacting with any of the officers that the first thing they'd do is drag me into a room where I was going to learn who I was going to kill.

Ashman leaned over the holographic display, and pointed at Tassil. "Your crash-landing in Tassil changed a lot of things for the Tiger," he said.

"How?" I asked.

"Urban warfare isn't the Tiger's preference," Ashman said. "The Tiger has actively tried to avoid it, and hunt only the members of Desert Dawn down if possible. He seems to have some compassion for human life. I've been tempted to use that against him, but if I do so it will only enable the Tiger to annihilate everyone in sight."

But then Ashman smiled. "But the Tiger was not ready to attack Tassil. Your landing forced his hand, he had to try to get you and your machine and try to take Tassil violently. And he's taken a lot of casualties in the town. Our forces have managed to stall him, but they are low on ammunition and food and need to withdraw."

Ashman pointed at caves not far from where we were. "Our remaining forces in Tassil need to get _here_. From there they can use the underground network we have to escape completely. Your mission is to cover their escape, and inflict as much damage as you possibly can before you withdraw yourself."

"So I'm a distraction," I said.

"The best kind," Ashman said. "A lethal one."

Great, so I was going to be bait and take all of the attacks ZAFT could offer while Ashman's men got away scot-free. How was that fair?

We were being used and spat out, and this was going to be repeated until the Tiger was killed. I needed to find this guy and kill him quickly or we were either going to fight in this desert forever, or die in it.

Mu La Flaga joined in. "We have another pilot coming to join us, she was downed near Tassil and is en route to us. We have a Skygrasper ready to fly for her. She will help you and I in the distraction."

"Oh yeah? Who's she?" I asked.

"That's me," said a new voice. I turned and saw a tall woman with hair almost the color of flames and blue eyes standing at the entrance. She looked nearly as intimidating as Sahib Ashman did, even the fighters seemed to give her space and respect.

"_That _was fast," Natarle said, with a bit of surprise, and what sounded like suspicion, in her voice.

Ashman's eyes widened slightly. "Now if you told me that _she _was your Strike GUNDAM's pilot . . ."

"Thank you for the compliment, but I am not. I am an ordinary pilot. If I were extraordinary I wouldn't have already been shot down," the woman said. I looked at her shoulder and saw she was a First Lieutenant.

"What's your name?" I asked.

The woman looked at me, and I had the distinct realization that I was recognized somehow, even though there was no good reason she should. "My name is First Lieutenant Hilda Harken, Ensign Yamato."

I looked at her for a moment longer, and even though she turned her eyes back on Ashman, I sensed something was off. She recognized me. She knew who I was. And while she seemed to be pleasant there was this edge in her, like I was her enemy or something. Or, even worse, a _target_.

Why? Why was this woman giving me that impression? Especially as everything about her body language, eyes, or voice seemed perfectly normal?

She walked right up to Mu La Flaga and saluted. "It is a pleasure to fly with you, Lieutenant Commander. You are the Hawk of Endymion after all."

"Uh, thank you, Lieutenant," La Flaga said, clearly surprised by the formality.

"Endymion?" I asked dumbly. I had heard the name before but couldn't place it.

"That was a battle where Lieutenant Commander La Flaga single-handedly defended an Earth Alliance fleet from ZAFT forces," Natarle Badgiruel did. "Though he doesn't seem to display the medals he earned from that battle."

"There's a time and place to display them and that is not while we're still at war," La Flaga said.

"Back to business," Ashman said, as he took a sip of his coffee. "You, Ensign, will lead the distraction unit into the edge of Tassil. The town is still standing, but I don't want you to actually wander inside. Just draw the ZAFT forces out and fight them while the remaining fighters in town withdraw. We will launch a signal flare to let you know when to pull back."

"I have a limited power supply," I said. "How much time would you need?"

"Long enough. If you have to come back, recharge, and deploy again, so be it," Ashman said.

Wonderful. So basically I was going to keep getting thrown to the wolves so Ashman's own men would escape. Some plan.

Despite having all the weaponry, it was quite clear who had the power in this room. And that was Sahib Ashman. The man didn't have our weaponry, but he had something none of us had. He inspired fear and respect, and he was not afraid to use either to his advantage.

"I understand," I finally said, not wanting to make him ornery by not responding at all.

"Excellent. After my men are out of Tassil, we will begin operating to destroy the Tiger once and for all," Ashman said.

"That simple, huh?" La Flaga asked.

"Yes, that simple. You people arriving are a gift from Allah. You think I would be a fool and not use you?" Ashman asked. "I don't think so."

He got up after downing what remained of his coffee. "After my men escape, we will need supplies, munitions. I'm sure your group needs some as well. I have many contacts that will give us what we need. Be ready to start those operations once the Tassil evacuation is finished."

"I understand," Ramius said.

Ashman nodded and walked away, and his fighters, including young Ahmed, left with him, leaving us on the bridge.

Hilda Harken shook her head. "I can't believe you're just going to let him order us around, Captain Ramius."

"There's no choice. This is Ashman's territory," Ramius said. "Before you and Ensign Yamato arrived, Ashman made it pretty clear that if we did not fight him he would treat us like the 'Tiger'."

"His exact words were 'destroy you without hesitation'," La Flaga said. "I'm pretty sure we could fight off an attack by Desert Dawn, but even so, that will leave us alone and outgunned by Andrew Waltfeld."

"That doesn't excuse letting him intimidate us," Badgiruel said.

"I'm inclined to agree. I thought that commanders of a brand-new ship like this would be braver to use it," Harken added.

I didn't envy Ramius' position. Now she had two people, Badgiruel and Harken, openly questioning her authority. Knowing that two exceptionally important subordinates didn't trust her adjustment had to hurt. At least La Flaga seemed to be taking Ramius' side, but that still didn't bode well. That meant there could easily be a power struggle for this ship and _that _would royally suck for all of us.

I wanted to stay neutral, but at the same time, I much preferred to have Ramius in command instead of Badgiruel. Ramius actually had some compassion and at least she didn't want to shoot first and ask questions later. And she didn't view me as an asset either, she viewed me as a human life.

So I decided to support Ramius. "I think the captain's right," I said. "I don't like this situation any more than any of us do but the captain is making the right call. In an environment like this, it's best to keep our enemies to a minimum."

Ramius smiled at me. "Thank you, Ensign."

"No problem," I said.

"Hmmph." I turned at Harken's noncommittal grunt and saw the smallest little smile on her face. It was just for a second, then it was gone.

"Is something wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing, Ensign. Nothing at all. Just remember to watch your back out there. I'm not sure anyone has it."

And like that, she turned around and left the room.

"Damn, she's a piece of work," La Flaga said.

"I think we all are at this point," Badgiruel grumbled.

For once, I thought Badgiruel was right.


	28. Town of Fiction

Sorry about the long wait. I've been prepping my novel _Nanomancers_ for publication on the Kindle. It is a YA novel, very similar in tone and style to this work but it follows a 15-year-old boy's POV and doesn't center around GUNDAM-esque machines.

The novel will be released tomorrow on the Kindle. If you choose to read it I hope you enjoy it and tell your friends about it. :) I am seriously hurting financially and even the small amount of money that I can get would be helpful.

Mood music for _Nanomancers_, if you're the type who listens to music while you read, would .probably be Yuki Kajiura's Fate/ZERO score, easily findable on Youtube. I didn't write the novel to that score (how could I, I wrote it l_ast year,_ long before the show was even on the air) but that soundtrack fits what I'd like a theoretical movie soundtrack to sound like.

And yes, the enemy pilot in this chapter is an OC. Why she exists in this universe will be explained in time, just like why Cagalli is in Kira's place.

EDIT: Apparently this chapter got randomly deleted somehow for some reason. Fix'd.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: Town of Fiction**

The Strike GUNDAM was ready early the next morning. While it still looked a little bit beaten up, it at least didn't appear like a trash compactor had gotten ahold of it.

I was amazed to see the Strike so intact, actually. It had got through the wringer. How many machines could take a fall through the atmosphere and getting the crap kicked out of it and still be ready to fight? The answer is: not many. I guess the other GUNDAMs could qualify.

"You like your machine?" asked a voice from behind.

I turned around and saw Hilda Harken. She had snuck up behind me and I had not heard her. The realization sent a chill down my spine before I could even reply.

"Of course I do. It's why I'm still alive," I replied.

"That simple, huh?" Hilda asked as she walked up beside me and gazed at the Strike. She chuckled after a moment. "I'm not surprised. I've heard you and the Strike have been through a lot."

"Yes, and we're about to go through even more together," I said. "Why do you care?"

"Have you ever thought about handing the Strike over to someone else?"

She wasn't understanding how much a barrier Kira had put over the Strike. "I would if there was another Coordinator. The O.S. prevents a Natural from flying it."

"Oh. Now it makes sense," Hilda replied.

Was she really that stupid or just playing dumb? Whatever the case, she was making me nervous. Why was she going out of her way to unnerve me? What was she getting at with this?

"Look, I'm doing this to protect everyone on the ship, okay? That's all there is to it. Is this what I wanted? Of course not. But I promised everyone on this ship that I would protect them until we make it to Orb."

"Orb, huh?" Hilda asked, somewhat surprised.

"You haven't noticed that a lot of people here are Orb civilians?"

"They all look like soldiers to me," Hilda replied.

"Half of the crew on this ship are Orb civilians who have been retroactively enlisted in Atlantic Federation forces," I replied. "The moment we make it to Orb, their enlistment ends. The war is over for us. It _should _have been over already if it wasn't for me."

"Your fall," Hilda said.

"Yes. The captain decided that I was worth saving. And you know what, that means something to me, okay?"

"You shouldn't be so defensive," Hilda sighed, and she turned around and walked towards the nearest Skygrasper.

I couldn't get how weird she was out of my mind. There was no point for any of this but making me feel uneasy. Why would she do that? Did she hit her head when she had to eject?

Speaking of hitting, I heard Flay yell out in rage and slam her fist against the simulator. I turned, and saw her rubbing her hand, her blue eyes clearly determined and pissed off even from this distance. Her red hair, usually meticulously combed, was a sloppy mess that scarcely resembled her usual hairstyle.

At least Flay had determination. I couldn't take that away from her. She wasn't taking any of this anger out on anyone, just an inanimate object, so in that phase, my plan had worked. Really well. Better than I expected.

But that determination was worrying me. And a brief "what-if" popped into my mind.

What if she really did it? Passed the simulation? Became a pilot?

Was this crazy girl really who I wanted to watch my back?

Flay or Hilda? Potentially crazy bigot or the strangest, most eerie woman on the planet?

What a choice.

"Hey, princess, get your head out of the clouds, you gotta launch!" La Flaga yelled from his own Skygrasper.

"Uh, right!" I managed and threw on my helmet.

At least now I only had to contend with Hilda. At least she was being paired up with Mu.

For my own sanity, I hoped it would stay that way.

* * *

I couldn't get very far off the ground even when I was airborne. Earth's gravity was just too much and flying was annihilating my battery power.

Murrue Ramius' voice was coming in loud and clear. "_Just worry about providing cover. You're the decoy, Ensign. Draw their fire_."

That sounded comforting, _not_. However, the "Ensign" label reminded me that I didn't have the right to talk back, much to my dismay. I desperately wanted to be sarcastic and coarse. It felt like it was the only way I was going to make it through this without losing my mind. Eventually, I wasn't going to be able to bite back any sardonic remarks.

"Yes, ma'am," I said, in a tone that sounded dreading and rueful even to me.

"_You'll be fine. You have the firepower,_" Ramius said.

I landed the Strike on the ground and approached Tassil cautiously. Any second, the town would be in my sight and following that I was going to have to start a fight.

"Yeah, and Kira's adjusted everything really well," I said.

"_He's_ Petty Officer Athha _right now, Ensign_," replied Natarle Badgiruel.

Just because I was in the military now didn't mean I wanted to be reminded of that. Though Badgiruel seemed to be confident in the security of our communications considering she had blathered Kira's famous last name on our channel.

"Yes, of course, Lieutenant ma'am whatever," I grumbled, before I could stop myself.

Ramius thankfully spoke before Badgiruel could tear my head off. "_Prepare for battle, Ensign. You're approaching Tassil. La Flaga and Harken will begin their preliminary attack runs any moment._"

As if on cue, I saw both Skygraspers rocket over me and charge to Tassil directly ahead. One more sand dune and I'd be able to see the city.

"Just let me know what's happening," I said as I increased the Strike's running speed.

But as I neared the top of the dune, I heard La Flaga. "_Princess, it's a trap! Stop! We need to pull back immediately!_"

"A trap?" But I had already made it to the top of the dune, and what I saw was something I could never forget.

Tassil was gone.

All that stood were broken ruins not even two stories high. Not even a puff of smoke escaped them. It was total obliteration.

And then I saw _it_.

There was a Mobile Suit standing there. No. Not just a Mobile Suit.

A GUNDAM.

And it looked almost exactly like the Duel.

"H-How?"

Harken's voice. "_It's safe to say there aren't any survivors. We need to get back to base._"

Ramius. "_What's going on? What happened to Tassil?_"

"It's the Duel. It's right there," I managed to say.

"_The Duel?_" Badgiruel shouted. "_I thought you destroyed it, Ensign!_"

"I . . . I did," I said.

The Skygraspers shot past me again, heading back in the general direction of the _Archangel_. They knew better than to fight a GUNDAM head on.

And then the Duel shot towards me, blasting out of the shattered ruins and coming right towards me. It would be on top of me within thirty seconds.

Ramius began shouting to me. "_Ensign, if the Duel is moving toward you, fall back! We need to reassess the situation!_"

I wished it really was so simple. But the realization came that I had to stay and fight. The Duel was the one responsible for wiping Tassil off the map. What would stop it from charging right to where we were hiding if I ran? I'd lead it to the _Archangel_and ZAFT would know where we were hiding!

"I don't think I can do that," I said, and I readied my rifle. I had the Aile Pack, which at least gave me both melee and ranged options. Plus I probably had more power than the Duel anyway. I could outlast it.

I aimed and fired.

The Duel raised its shield and it deflected my shot into the sky.

Much to my surprise, it didn't shoot back. It took me a moment to realize that it didn't want to have a ranged fight. It wanted to kill me up close and personal.

That was fine with me. Everyone knew I was best with melee combat anyway.

I dropped the rifle and drew one of my pair of small swords. If this was how the Duel wanted to do it, then I was going to oblige.

I fired my Igelstellung machine-guns at it to give it a distraction, and the Duel raised its shield to block that salvo. Then I charged, holding down the machine-gun trigger while raising the sword for a strike.

I couldn't worry about how the Duel could have survived me destroying it. What mattered was that it had blown up Tassil. It had killed thousands upon thousands of people. For what? To draw me out? To piss me off? Or just because the pilot was a depraved psychopath and found this fun?

I didn't hit the Duel. The Duel got its own sword up in time and blocked me, and then rammed me with its shield and I was driven backwards.

I quickly repositioned myself, thank God for Kira's modifications. But the Duel didn't try to press the advantage, and instead, just stood there.

Why?

Did it want me to come after it again? Was it sizing me up? Or something else?

Then my coms beeped. The Duel was trying to message me.

Did I want to bite? La Flaga had lectured me time and time again about going on an open channel and talking to my enemies.

No. I wanted to know how exactly the Duel was standing in front of me when I had destroyed it! I had killed its pilot and annihilated the machine! How was it still here so it could do this atrocity? How was it still here so it could threaten the _Archangel_?

I answered, and I saw the face of a female pilot who looked uncomfortably similar to the face of Yzak, the Duel's pilot.

The resemblance was enough to make me briefly wonder if Yzak had gotten a sex change over the last few days.

"_So_," the Duel's pilot said, with her unquestionably female voice, "_You are the Strike's pilot. Cagalli Yamato, is that right_?"

"How do you know my name?" I asked.

The pilot chuckled darkly. "_Oh, hearsay from here and there. I just wanted to make sure I had your name right before I blew you all to pieces_."

Okay, she was mad too. Somehow I wasn't surprised.

The pilot smiled sickly at me. "_I bet you're wondering how the Duel is back, aren't you_?"

"The question did come to mind," I replied. It took me a moment to realize that I had begun backing the Strike away, slowly but surely. I conscious stopped the movement, but the fact that I had been doing that meant that the Duel was scaring me.

"_This isn't the Duel you blew up, and I'm not the pilot you killed. When we got it, we took a copy of its design. We made a new Duel. A better Duel. This is the Duel Assault Shroud. It's more advanced and capable than all of the other stupid GUNDAMs Morgenroete bothered to create_!"

Well, that explained a whole lot. I didn't exactly want to think about how ZAFT had been able to copy and improve upon the Duel's design so quickly, though. Production should've taken a lot longer than just a month or so! And I was no techie. It was just common sense!

"Why are you here? Why did you blow up Tassil?" I asked.

"_Oh, I didn't do that. I asked for a salvo from orbit. Boom_," the pilot said. "_Having connections to the Le Creuset team and a mother high up in the government has its advantages_."

Rau Le Creuset. It figured he'd be behind this. Did that mean that he had killed his own allies, though? The ZAFT had been patrolling the city just a couple of days ago!

The pilot chuckled. "_I know what you're thinking. I can read faces really well, Yamato. Don't worry about the ZAFT soldiers that were in here. We gave the 'Desert Tiger' plenty of warning to pull out. Pissed him off a ton too. But it doesn't matter. Wiping out Tassil gave me the opening I wanted. Now I have you exactly where I want you_."

"Who are you?" I asked.

The pilot cocked her head to the side, and her eyes widened just a little bit, and that sick smile widened just enough to show some teeth. "_My name is Asta Joule. You killed my little brother. Prepare to die_."

The picture vanished. And then the Duel charged without any further warning.

The new Duel was fast. Faster than any GUNDAM I had ever faced. It was a total blitzkrieg.

Her voice began shrieking wildly in my ears, so audio communications were still working even though the visual was off. "_Is that all you got, Yamato? Are you _really _the one who killed my little brother? You're nothing but a joke!_"

Her movements were so fast that I had to rely on my shield, not just my sword, to block her. She wasn't kidding about the improvements to the Duel. And she had clearly had everything calibrated for the desert. None of the problems her brother had in his final battle against me were present.

I tried, vainly to find an opening. But every time I could think to counter, the Duel would strike again and I would have to block yet another blow.

"_C'mon, you bitch! Fight back! Make me enjoy killing you!_"

Before the war, I was wondering if people really did say psychotic things like that. Guess it's true.

The Duel kicked me and I was knocked down the sand dune and slid all the way down. I managed to look up in time to see the Duel leap into the air and plunge right towards me. I quickly leapt backwards and the Duel pounded the ground, sending a small sand cloud into the air.

Finally, an opening! I lunged forward, looking to stab the Duel in the chest, where the cockpit was, and end the fight just like that.

The Duel got its shield in the way in time, but there was no way I was going to let it regain the initative.

I was going to make the Duel work to kill me.

I attacked it over and over, trying to find some way to catch the Duel off guard. But Asta was good at this. She wasn't like her brother, who had trouble with me whenever I turned the tables on him. She knew how to protect and block.

And, even worse, Asta could counterattack.

She lashed out with one of the Duel's legs and successfully knocked the Strike off balance, and I scrambled to get away as the Duel immediately picked off where it left off. It made no attempt to shoot at me. Apparently skewering me was the only thing on this woman's mind.

It took me a moment to realize that the way I had killed Yzak was by stabbing the cockpit. Was that what Asta was aiming for, to kill me in the exact same way?

If so, how could I turn that into my advantage?

Could I even think about stuff like that when Asta was trying to skewer me left and right?

Then rockets blasted the Duel from behind and I heard Asta cry out from shock. "_What the-_"

"_You okay, princess?_" Once again, Mu La Flaga was back to rescue me.

"Better now," I said, and then I attacked the Duel.

I heard Asta shout "_Damn it_!", but no exclaimation was going to be enough to stop me. Asta barely got the Duel's arm up in time to have it get sliced off instead of the cockpit and it bounced into the sand.

Asta growled something unintelligible and snarled "_I'm going to cut you into dozens of blood-spewing pieces, Cagalli Yamato! Just you wait! I'll avenge my baby brother!_"

As she said that, the Duel blasted up the sand dune and ran off. I prepared to engage engines to follow, but I heard Harken's voice. "_It looks like the Tiger's forces are entering the area. If we try to finish the Duel off we could be surrounded_."

La Flaga agreed. "_This is a battle for another day, princess. We need to retreat back to the _Archangel_, try to figure out what the hell is going on._"

"No, there's no need," I said.

"_What is it, then?_" asked Harken.

"The pilot flat-out said it to me. It's a modification of the Duel's design that ZAFT made. She's here to kill me because I killed her brother. That's all it is."

Silence on the coms. Then, finally, La Flaga. "_So we have someone out for revenge._"

"_We can discuss this later, we all should pull back before the Tiger winds up on top of us_," Harken replied.

"Good idea," I said, not exactly wanting to face Andrew Waltfeld with only half of my power remaining, approximately a third of which I was going to need to run back to the _Archangel_.

I turned the Strike around and shot towards the _Archangel_'s direction. This was the last thing I needed, someone out for revenge against me. Revenge solves nothing. All it does is briefly fill an emptiness when you finally get what you desire against the person who wronged you. Then you realize you've descended below your enemy's level in order to hurt or kill him, and you realize you're just a monster.

But, at the same time, it's so _easy_ to seek revenge out. Because that motivates you to live. It gives you something, something energizing, something _primal_that entices you with a glimpse of that satisfaction when you finally win.

Too bad I was never going to explain this to Yzak Joule's older sister.

Most likely, I was going to wind up killing her before this was over.

And that would be a bigger tragedy than her getting revenge against me.

Why?

Because all that would mean is that someone meaninglessly wasted her life to try to kill me and fail. She had lived only to die.

That is the worst way to die.

I hope I will never die like that.


	29. Fractured (Everything I Said Was True)

Hi guys. I've been busy lately and have had a ton of PC trouble which is why I haven't been posting. I still have trouble but I was able to get this one chapter in the queue. I'll work on making updates more frequent at the very least.

And maybe I can actually respond to everyone next time too. XD

Well, on another note, if you guys want to read something original by me, you can go here (I broke up the link so it can get through Fanfiction's anti-spam stuff, just piece the link back together): amazon dp/B007N61X4Q. It's my self-published novel and you can read it either with the Kindle or the free Kindle PC App. If you choose to do so please leave a review whether positive or negative please. ^^

Anyway, tally ho! New chapter time.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: Fractured (Everything I Said Was True)**

It took a while to sink in. Tassil was _gone_. The enemy pilot, this Asta Joule, had called in an orbital bombardment to destroy the place, to kill all of those civilians and resistance fighters. Nothing had been left, nothing was left standing other than her Duel GUNDAM, waiting for me to come so she can kill me.

All of those lives just for an attempt at vengeance?

How far would she go to kill me?

How many more people would have to die?

This wasn't just war anymore. This was a vendetta. Against _me_. I was the only target and everyone else were just obstacles or pawns.

When I returned to the _Archangel_, I didn't really speak to anyone about what had happened, other than what I had to. Ramius and Badgiruel, of course, were highly interested in the upgraded Duel, and I had to say my piece on that. But other than that, I didn't want to talk to anyone or get involved in anything. Even Flay, clearly exhausted but with this manic energy in her eyes, wasn't a concern to me.

I just wanted to be by myself and think.

That's what killing Yzak Joule had gotten me. A town full of dead people, the Orb civilians and hodgepodge Earth Alliance soldiers winding up in the middle of the desert, a night of hell, and an angry older sister out to murder me. What a penalty, what a price. It was not worth it.

Then again, what do I know? Yzak was trying to ram the _Archangel_'s bridge. If I hadn't done that, would there even be an _Archangel_? I'd be a ZAFT prisoner right now, most likely. Or even still inside Tassil, running for my life or perhaps fighting with Ashman's group all by myself, the Strike nothing more than a memory for me. Compared to _that_, this was an improvement, right?

But even that rationale wasn't good enough for me. All I could think about was that someone was living just to kill me. That was _frightening_. Every time I was out there, someone was gunning for me and exclusively me.

The only way to end this was to kill her too.

Also not something I was looking forward to. Another bad memory that would never leave my mind, and I was going to rob a mother of _another _child.

Then again, even if I killed _this_ Joule, who said that yet _another_ Joule kid wouldn't come crawling out of the woodwork? Or maybe one or both of the parents? What if I had to obliterate an entire family in this war? Or _after _it, long after I let my guard down?

I wasn't looking forward to the rest of my life, that was for sure.

I spent the night in a closet in the kitchen, well away from people, even away from Melanie. I didn't want to talk to anyone, or discuss the danger I had put everyone in. I knew they were looking for me and I didn't care. I couldn't face them. Or maybe not. Maybe what I couldn't face was myself in the mirror.

All those civilians . . . all those resistance fighters . . . they were all dead because of this vendetta against me.

Kira was right in that I was changing. But maybe not into a monster. I was withdrawing from the world, little by little. Maybe what I was becoming was a ghost. Maybe soon I would be invisible, except for when I was needed to go kill something.

I couldn't even bring myself to cry over the civilians and the fighters that were all dead. I felt isolated and cut off from everyone and everything that night. Like I wasn't even here. I was just a phantom everyone else was trying to find.

With that lovely thought haunting me throughout the night, I managed to get a little bit of sleep. But after waking up multiple times, I gave up at six a.m. and rested for a little while.

And got thoroughly pissed at myself.

Why? Why was I feeling sorry for myself and hiding away like a coward? I was running from my responsibility and running from the people I was protecting! How could did it look for the one person capable of flying the machine everyone depended on to run and hide after a battle just because she was rattled? Some hero I was! I wasn't any better than Flay! Maybe even worse. Cowardice is pathetic.

If I was going to survive this desert and survive this new Joule who somehow had a better Duel than her brother, I couldn't be a coward. I couldn't hide away. And I couldn't waste my time crying, even though I couldn't help a few tears sliding down my cheeks as I realized my mistakes.

I'm not built to hide away. I'm built to walk up to whoever's wronging me and kicking his or her ass.

I've killed people. Nothing will let me forget that. Killed pilots with the Strike, killed soldiers with a gun. But I wasn't going to let those deaths and the nightmares they were giving me defeat me. Even with the battles burned into my memory like scars, I couldn't just give up.

I rubbed my eyes and got up and marched right out of the closet, and walked out of the kitchen and into the hallway. My neck was killing me and so was my back from my highly uncomfortable sleeping position, and I had a headache from a cold hard floor without a pillow, but none of that mattered.

I wasn't going to run anymore.

Unfortunately, the last person I wanted to see wound up showing up right in the hallway, speaking behind me.

"Aren't _you _showing a little purpose in your step, Ensign?"

Hilda Harken's voice. Once again, she had snuck up behind me without me ever realizing it. I froze for a second, as a eerie chill was sent down my spine. Why? Why did I always tense up when she was near me? Whenever she would do this?

I turned around, slowly, carefully. I didn't know why I was nervous and scared and suspicious all at once, but I knew better than to doubt those feelings. "I'm sick of hiding from everybody. I've been through hell but that doesn't mean everyone here doesn't need me. They need me to keep functioning and keep living."

"Oh, I agree," Hilda said, a small smirk on her face. "They do need you."

Damn it, there was something in her voice, something about that thin little smirk, the knowing look in her eyes, that was really making me feel uneasy. I wasn't even sure if she was trying to do that on purpose. Maybe this woman was just oddly creepy, or perhaps she was terrible at acting natural or decent.

That was the thought that triggered the realization. _Acting_.

This woman had been doing nothing but _acting _funny ever since she had joined us . . .

"Is something wrong?" Hilda asked, her head cocking to the side just slightly.

"Nothing. I think I need to speak to the captain immediately. I never debriefed her," I said, feeling possessed more and more by this need to get away.

"Why? It's six in the morning. I highly doubt she needs to be bothered by you," Hilda said.

"Well, I am the Strike's pilot. She'll make an exception for me," I said.

"Oh, I bet she would. But maybe it's not the best idea," Hilda said.

The realization spread throughout my brain. Hilda was _acting_ because she's a _fake_. She was not who she said she was. She was a liar, an infiltrator.

An . . .

"I'm pretty sure it's a good idea," I said, trying to walk away without taking my full attention off of her. I was trying to walk backwards and forwards at the same time, and it came off as this weird sidestep movement. "If I wait any longer Badgiruel will kill me."

"Would she?" That damn smile widened across Hilda's face. "Maybe Badgiruel isn't the one you should be worried about. Maybe the one you should be worrying about is _me_."

And out came the gun in her right hand.

"Don't run, Cagalli Yamato," Hilda said firmly. "You run I will kill you right here and now."

I thought about running anyway. Was there any door I could try to make a break to? Run and hide or perhaps try to surprise her if she tried busting through the door?

While there were a few, there was no guarantee I could make any of them before she'd shoot me. Plus, Hilda was definitely a Coordinator if she was a ZAFT agent. She had quicker reflexes, and steadier control over that pistol than a Natural could. Hilda would hit her mark.

Hilda's voice suggested supreme confidence. "I need you alive for the Strike's passcode. Try as I could I couldn't get access to this "Kira" who keeps maintaining your Strike. A rather handsome young man, if I should say so. Bears an alarming similarity to the Prince of Orb."

She knew that too. This woman was not ordinary, though I shouldn't have expected her to. No spy would ever be ordinary.

I didn't run, but I realized something else was off. Well, something other than this whole situation to begin with. Killing me was not her primary objective. Her objective was the Strike. She was here to steal the Strike and the only way she could do that was to use me or Kira and our knowledge of the password.

"You're here to make sure the Strike isn't used against ZAFT," I said.

"One way or another," Hilda said.

I had to keep her talking. Buy time. Pray someone else passes by and sees this. "You put up a good facade, you know. You passed the captain's clearance."

"That's because everything I said was true," Hilda replied. "I actually was doing time in the Earth Forces. I've killed Coordinators to maintain my cover. I actually was shot down recently. And I just waited. Waited until it was time."

She began to approach me, slowly, carefully. "I'm not going to waste any more time telling you my orders or my strategy. I know you just want to keep me talking. It's not going to work."

It was pretty clear what my choices were. Either I give up and hand Hilda the Strike, or I sacrifice myself and keep the Strike on the _Archangel_. Neither choice was particularly appealing and both would leave the _Archangel _in dire circumstances, as the defenses were crippled either way.

But there was an intangible that made one choice more logical than the others.

Kira. And his programming skills.

He could probably redesign the Strike's operating system for a Natural, probably La Flaga. Any revision would be far less than perfect, but it would give the _Archangel _a fighting chance, far more if I lived but there was no Strike.

A shock went down my spine and my stomach felt like it was contracting into my lungs. The best way to protect the _Archangel_ was to _die_.

No. I couldn't just do that. I hadn't come all this way just to die. I couldn't sacrifice myself, could I? There had to be another option. A third way.

Hilda was almost on top of me. I had to make up my mind right then or Hilda was going to decide for me.

And then, as she was about on top of me, I realized my third option.

Resistance.

I pivoted my right foot and charged forward right into Hilda's chest, leading with my shoulder. Hilda grunted in surprise and in pain, and, my legs churning as fast as I could, I ran over her.

I couldn't stop running. I had to get back into the kitchen. Before-

_Bang. Bang. Bang._

The bullets smacked metal right by me as I frantically ran through the doors. Something seemed to pull at my side as I ran behind the nearest corner, and I opened up all of the drawers until I found the knives, and yanked out the first one that looked sharp.

I heard a distant, male voice. "What the hell was-_oh my God_-"

_Bang_.

A grunt, and then a _flop_. Definitely a kill shot.

I could hear Hilda. "You _had _to do this the hard way, Yamato? I'm not playing this game! You can die with the rest of-"

Before she could finish, a charging cry interrupted her. It was high-pitched, shrill, and desperate. The voice was cracking so much I could barely make out who it was, but, at the tail end, I realized it could only be . . .

_No way_.

I turned around the corner just as Hilda, standing in-between the doors, was attacked by Flay Allster.

Hilda had spun around just in time to see Flay coming, but Flay was working on pure adrenaline. As her left hand swung upwards, I realized Flay had a knife of her own. It was coming to slash upwards, right at Hilda's face.

At Hilda's right eye.

It wasn't like a movie or a cartoon with a dramatic "slash" sound followed by blood gushing out of Hilda like a geyser. I didn't even hear the noise from where I was standing. But Flay connected. The clue was Hilda's anguished scream.

Flay repositioned herself, clearly aiming to stab Hilda in the stomach, but Hilda, despite her obvious agony, kneed Flay in the gut, and then kicked Flay in the face, sending the girl to the ground.

I heard another male voice. "We got a man down-_UGH_!"

Hilda shot that man dead too. I peeked around, just in time to see Hilda vanish down the nearest hallway.

I waited. Was Hilda going to come back? Or was her only concern getting away? Could she do that? All by herself? With an obviously horrific wound?

But she didn't emerge, and I slowly walked towards the door, where Flay was still laying on the ground, clutching her face with her right hand. Her hair was a total mangled mess, and her clothes looked like they had been worn way too long without a wash.

"Flay," I dared to say.

Flay's eyes looked up to me, and they were so piercing I backed away a step. They were possessed by something feral, something hateful, something determined. The combination made her seem like some repressed beast was lurking beneath her human veneer, and was trying to get _out_.

But then her eyes calmed, just enough to seem human again. But when she spoke, it was with an edge, a slight undertone of a _need_for something I didn't want to know. "Cagalli. You're bleeding."

"Huh?" I remembered the pulling sensation on my right side. I looked down and pressed my hand against it, and realized there was blood.

Oh my God. I couldn't be . . .

No, I was fine. As I checked I realized it was just a scratch, nothing life-threatening. But now it _hurt_.

"It's just a scratch," I said. I stared at Flay for a second, and she never looked away from me, not even to adjust her disheveled hair.

"Thank you," I said finally, after a long pause. "We need to tell Captain Ramius about this. Before she gets away."

"I'm sure the entire ship is going to go on alert any second," Flay said. A slight grin spread across her face. "I'm just glad I finally got to hurt one of them."

"Flay?"

"You're right, I ought to be fighting, Cagalli. That's what I should be doing. Before all of this happened, I'd tell you that war is terrible. That it should hurry up and _end_. But now I don't want it to. Not until I get in the fight. This wasn't enough. Far from it."

"Flay, uh . . ." I tried to search for a way to tell her she was sounding insane and creepy without telling her she was sounding insane and creepy.

She finally stood up. "I couldn't let her kill you. You're the only reason why we're still here. Why I have a chance to get revenge for what they did to me. When I get out there in that Skygrasper, Cagalli, you can bet that I'll protect you. As long as you kill them I'll protect you no matter what they send against us."

"Look, Flay . . ." Number one, I was wounded, and needed to get my wound treated. Number two, the last thing I needed was to hear crazy. Number three, Flay was doing some serious jumping to conclusions. Number four, the terrifying and likely _real_thought that I had put Flay on a road to insanity was entering my mind and it was not good, to be concise.

But I couldn't get any of that out. Not before she spoke again. "I owe you _everything_, Cagalli. Don't you get it?"

"I think you need a nice long rest and think about your life," I said, before I finally got the courage to walk past her.

"Life," Flay said softly as I walked down the hallway, following the path that Hilda had taken. It was a dangerous route, but the medical bay was in this direction. At long last, a general alarm went off and a loudspeaker began proclaiming the presence of an infiltrator. Finally everyone was going to look for Hilda, and hopefully stop her.

"That's right, your life," I said. I didn't like the cryptic way she had spoken that word at all, and I was dreading her response.

Flay just chuckled bitterly. "What life? I don't have a life that's worth living. The only satisfaction I'm going to be able to get is to end other lives. That's all I can live for anymore."

I braced myself for an insane smile, but Flay didn't give me that. Instead, when she looked at me, I saw something else, an abyss of despair that was swallowing her up from the inside. Her eyes were filled with so much hurt and agony, and her voice was so hollow and broken, that I couldn't imagine how such a person could still be alive.

"I have nothing, Cagalli. I don't have anybody or anything. No one who loves me, no one who understands me. I don't mean anything meaningful to anybody. I could die tomorrow, and that's that."

"Sai," I said, almost without hesitation.

"Him?" She paused. "No. Not even him. I'm just a pretty face to him, a pretty face that's falling apart. He'll abandon me soon, I know it. No, he's already abandoned me, he's just not ready to go through the motions yet."

I _really_ didn't want to hear this right now, but a small part of me told me that I had to stay. Flay was actually_confiding_to me. Walking away from her when she was practically begging me for help would be an evil thing. Not even Flay deserved that. She was just a girl. A girl on the cusp of going psychotic, but still a girl.

"That's not true," I said, as I checked my side to make sure the bleeding wasn't getting worse.

"It's true. He doesn't understand at all. Why I have to keep doing the simulator. There's nothing else I can do."

"Flay-"

"I hate this. I wish that woman had killed me. I can't take it anymore."

There was a solemn, resigned sound in her voice, something that resonated far more than an anguished cry of despair would have. Well, that and Flay had sort of revealed she had a death wish, which, on top of her other problems, was just another thread waiting to unravel.

I couldn't take it anymore. I marched over and grabbed Flay by the hand and dragged her down the hallway.

"Cagalli!" Finally, Flay's voice had some strength in it, and she sounded a bit throatier than she usually did too. She halfheartedly tried to struggle but she was no athlete, she couldn't break free. "Let me go! What are you-"

"I need medical attention, and frankly so do you," I said. "We're marching right into the medical bay and we're staying there until the doctor says we can leave. Got it?"

Flay was silent. Then she grabbed me, and I nearly elbowed her, stopping just short as I realized she was hugging me, not trying to hurt or fight me.

"Please don't hate me anymore," Flay whispered. "If you don't want to be my friend I don't care but don't hate me anymore. Just help me get my revenge."

Just like Yzak's older sister, here was another person who desired vengeance above all else. I briefly visualized the gory results of Asta and Flay encountering each other, and then I refocused back on Flay.

"Flay, right now, you need to be locked at. Hilda hit you pretty hard. I wouldn't be surprised if she knocked out a few teeth."

"She did knock out a tooth," Flay said softly. "My mouth is bleeding and I have to keep swallowing it."

That explained the throaty sound in her voice a minute ago. "Do you still have it? They can get it back on like nothing happened."

"I think I swallowed it too."

Why did that _not _surprise me? "Okay, then I'm sure they have a false one that'll fit you. Now come on."

Flay didn't respond immediately again as I walked her down the hall. I didn't look back at her, so I didn't know what kind of expression she had on her face. Was she trying to manipulate me? Or was she genuinely expressing the emotions I thought she was. She seemed too honest to be lying or acting, at least to me. Flay, if this was all an act, had put on an Oscar-worthy performance.

But, finally, she said "Thank you for not hating me anymore."

"Huh?" was my intelligent response.

"If you hated me, you wouldn't have asked if I was okay," Flay said softly. "Thank you."

"Don't worry about it," I replied, not knowing what else to say. I pitied Flay more than hated her, ever since this whole incident started on Heliopolis.

But did Flay hate _me_? Why would she warm up to a Coordinator, someone she had shown explicit prejudice to?

I was going to need to find this out before I let Flay get too close, not just to me, but to my friends, and Melanie as well.

But first, medical bay. And catching Hilda, one way or another.

I had a feeling that Hilda wouldn't let herself be found until she wanted to be. She has already killed two people and had tried to kill Flay and me, and she wasn't going to stop until she either escaped or got what she wanted. And the moment she would reveal herself would probably be when I last expected it . . .


	30. In the Wake of Determination

I'm trying to finish Part Two before beginning regular postings so there can be a long string of chapters with zero interruptions. However, I do want to show you guys I'm still working hard on this so here's Chapter Thirty.

If writing Part Two takes forever I'll probably do a couple of irregular posts here and there just so there's still some story progress.

Anyway, hope you guys like!

* * *

**Chapter Thirty: In the Wake of Determination**

The medical bay wasn't crowded, and thankfully Hilda wasn't in it. Though, according to the nurse who took care of Flay and I, she _had _spotted Hilda stealing some bandages and other things. The orders of noncombatant personnel were basically to run in the opposite direction if they saw Hilda, and it was an order the nurse had been all too happy to follow.

Her name was Jacqueline Grumman. She was one of the Artemis personnel that had wound up staying on the _Archangel_. She spoke with a German accent but her command of the language of business, English, was good enough to be clearly understood. Although I could've spoken German, I knew I'd be locking Flay out of any conversation that way. That wouldn't be fair to her. Plus, considering Flay's clear damage, I wasn't in the mood to say or do anything that could set her off. Anything could, really.

Jacqueline sighed as she bandaged my side. "You're lucky this is just a scratch, Ensign. This could have been a lot worse."

She looked at both Flay and I. "You both are incredibly lucky, for that matter. She could have still killed you both."

"She panicked. After all her right eye got sliced open," I said.

Flay seemed to shrink just a little bit on the medical table she was sitting on.

Jacqueline sighed. "I suppose that would make sense."

She looked at Flay. "We're going to need to give you an emergency operation over your tooth. Mr. Drexler has dental training, he will help you."

"Okay," Flay said.

Jacqueline looked back at me then. "You are free to go, but be damned careful where you go. I would suggest going back to the dormitories and staying there. Hilda hasn't been spotted in that place to my knowledge. Please come back here in six hours so I can check on your wound."

"Got it, thank you," I said.

Jacqueline smiled. "Good. Nice to have patients who listen to me for a change."

She left then, leaving me with Flay alone. The girl had calmed somewhat, but she still had a wild look about her. It was likely because Flay's appearance was completely disheveled, but I couldn't help but think there was something else going on. Just too many things had happened. There was an edge in this girl that just wouldn't settle down.

"I want to get stronger," Flay said softly after a moment.

That was a totally random statement to make. But it made sense after a moment. "How so?"

"Mentally and physically. I need to get tougher. I won't pass the simulator if I don't get stronger."

This reminds me of bad cartoons from my childhood that had characters saying the exact same thing repeatedly. "Flay, right now I would just concentrate on getting your mouth fixed. _Literally_. And if you're afraid of Sai leaving you, just take a look in the mirror. You look like a total wreck."

"I haven't been able to sleep lately," Flay replied. "All I can think about is the simulator."

"Take a break from it," I said.

"Yeah, that's the obvious answer isn't it?" Flay asked with a sigh.

"Pretty much. You just need a day off from that thing and cool off a little. You're letting this eat at you and that's not going to end well for you or everyone else."

Flay's lips trembled a little, and her eyes seemed to shimmer as she looked at me. "Damn it. I just can't hate you anymore. Not even Sai talks to me the way you do."

"I-wha?" That had been a totally unexpected thing for Flay to say.

"It was so easy to call you a 'boy' and 'amazon' and everything else back on Heliopolis," Flay said, still keeping her gaze on me. "But that strength that I found stupid is why you haven't cracked. And why you still care."

"Well, I thought you were just a stupid bitch," I replied, trying to smile so Flay would think I wasn't being completely serious. "You're not."

Flay just chuckled. "That makes me feel better."

I wasn't sure what to say to that, but I didn't have to. Flay spoke again after a moment, wringing her hands.

"I need to take this into my own hands," Flay said. "You're right. You've been right all along. I shouldn't try to force people to do what I want them to. I need to take care of it myself."

The look in her eyes now resembled something steely and formidable, and it just made my misjudgment of Flay even clearer than it already was. Putting her in that Skygrasper sim had woken something deep within her. Something she probably had no clue she had. It was like a warrior was starting to peer out from her girlish shell, and it was terrifying, hateful, and determined.

Flay's shell was going to _crack_, I realized. In the days to come it was going to fall apart piece by piece and a totally new Flay was going to emerge.

No, I was wrong. It already had started coming apart. The old Flay _never _would have rushed Hilda with a knife. The warrior was already trying to break out of the shell and the shell wasn't taking it very well.

Flay's voice took on a deeper tenor as she continued to speak. "It's all _their_ fault. They didn't need to do _any _of this. Heliopolis, the neutron jammer, all of it. I wouldn't even be surprised if they bombed Junius Seven themselves so they could finally wipe out the Naturals and take their so-called 'rightful place' as the new humanity."

That was a theory passed around by radicals in the Earth Alliance, that PLANT had arranged for the Bloody Valentine in order to start a war against the Earth. I found it ludicrous, but Flay obviously didn't. It reminded me that Flay was still a radical and I needed to keep her away from Melanie.

"I'm going to kill them all before they do it to us," Flay said. "I can do it. I know I can do it."

Flay was really starting to creep me out and I wanted her to stop, so I interrupted her. "Look, just go wherever you need to go, and get your mouth fixed, okay?"

"Yeah, you're probably right," Flay said, her voice returning to something resembling her normal pitch. She got off her table and walked over to the door.

She smiled at me. "I owe you this, Cagalli."

And then she was gone. It took me a moment to realize I was shivering and it felt like something cold was shooting down my spine.

Flay shouldn't have scared me like that. How could she do that? Just her words? Or was it her voice?

Suddenly, I remembered Kira mentioning that I sounded soulless in our brief conversation when I was fleeing Tassil. Was that what I sounded like? Did Flay sound like I had?

Holy crap. No wonder Kira was scared.

There is no "what have I done" type of realization here. I know what I did. Putting Flay in the Skygrasper simulation was a big mistake. Even if she never gets good enough to fly it didn't do what I intended the simulator to do.

I just hope I don't pay for it later.

* * *

The moment I left the office, I was immediately approached by a pair of armed guards. Judging by their accents, they were Atlantic Federation. "Ensign Yamato, ma'am, you are to be escorted to your quarters immediately."

"Really?" I ask, somewhat surprised. It took me a moment before it hit me, and one of the guards explained it to me immediately.

"Captain Ramius want you locked down and under guard until Harken is either killed or otherwise subjugated, ma'am. I can bring her on the line if you wish."

"No, it isn't necessary . . . Sergeant," I said, noticing the pins on his collar as I spoke. "Just take me there."

"Understood, ma'am. Your line is active so if you need additional medical treatment we will send a doctor or nurse to you."

"Thank you, Sergeant."

The sergeant immediately took the lead and lead me down the corridors, with his underling following me. It took me a moment to see that they were trying to subtly shield me as much as they could, as if Harken could pop out from any space at any given moment. Which is understandable. I had no clue where she could be, and I doubted these guys knew either.

I tried asking anyway. "Does anyone have any idea where she went?"

"No. We just know she could be after high-profile targets. Petty Officer Athha is inside the hangar which is on full lockdown to prevent any sort of sabotage. The officers are all on the bridge which is also on lockdown. You are the only high-profile human target left who is not locked down."

Great. So if Harken is blundering around the ship with her one good eye looking to kill somebody, it'll wind up being me. Just what I needed.

"We are really vulnerable to attack like this, Sergeant," I say.

"That's why we have teams sweeping the entire ship, and guarding every possible exit," the sergeant said. "We'll most likely catch her before long."

The fact that she had evaded capture this long already despite have her eye slashed open by Flay told otherwise. Hilda Harken was really good at this, and she had probably spent time scoping the whole ship out in case something like this happened. That may have even been what she had been doing when she spotted me and decided to take matters into her own hands.

But that assumed that Hilda wanted to live. Who knew how much of a diehard she was?

Who said she wouldn't sacrifice herself to kill me?

As we walked down the hallway, I felt worse and worse as a pressure built up in my stomach, a pressure that reminded me of Tassill. A sense of feeling so vulnerable and scared that I was sweating just by the mere_thought _of sudden movement. But around each corner, nothing happened. The hallways were curiously empty except for occasionally another patrol of armed men and women.

I could imagine what would happen if the ZAFT chose to attack now. Total panic. And we'd lose. Easily.

But as we approached my room, I relaxed. Slightly. Sure, there was nothing reporting that Hilda had been found, but now I was in my lockdown area. Now I was going to be protected around the clock until Hilda was caught. Not ideal but I felt a lot better.

The guard in front of me went in front of my door and it slid open. I was about to follow him inside when I heard gunfire.

Oh my God.

I dove to the right as the guard was riddled with bullets, and the man behind me took cover to the left. I could hear a little girl's voice scream in terror and fear, and I realized who that voice belonged to.

Elle.

Oh, that _bitch_.

The guard in front of me fell backwards, his gun falling out of his hand backwards. The muzzle of the gun was just enough protected that I was able to grab it without risking getting shot. I shouldered his rifle, and realized his safety was off. A sickening feeling compounded the pressure in my stomach, making me want to throw up. If the guard had pulled the trigger, I would've been shot for sure.

Hilda's voice. "I don't want to hurt or kill anyone else! All I want is _you_, Cagalli Yamato! Give yourself up!"

Elle, sobbing and crying. She sounded like she was trying to say something, but she couldn't manage it.

The surviving guard was quick on the com. "All units, all units, Hilda's been found! Location: Ensign Yamato's room! Requesting reinforcements immediately! Repeat, requesting reinforcements immediately!"

Hilda began shouting again. "I know you're out there, Cagalli Yamato! Give yourself up! I want your hands in the air and approaching me in sixty seconds or this girl dies!"

She's really going there? Threatening to kill a little girl? _My _little girl? Who I've been taking care of since her mother was murdered? This woman was just going to march in here and murder this innocent little girl who just wants to go home?

"You're pathetic," I spat. "She's a _child_. Leave her out of this!"

"Aren't you a child as well, Cagalli Yamato?" Hilda asked. "And yet you kill my allies, my friends. Do you deserve the same consideration?"

"_She's not even ten years old_!"

"I doubt if she's even seven," Hilda says.

"Then let her go!"

"I am not getting captured or killed without accomplishing my objective!" Hilda shouted. "Either you sacrifice yourself for this girl's sake, or you sit and allow her to die! And you know how guilty you'll feel for letting this girl die! It'll eat at you steadily until you have nothing left but despair! How long will you be able to fight after this girl dies?"

"Cagalli, help me," Elle sobbed. Damn it, that sob was already eating at me.

"Please, it's not worth it," I said. I felt pathetic for already begging, but I didn't know what to say to her. We both knew I wouldn't let Elle die.

"I know how much this girl means to you," Hilda said. "I heard the whole sad story. I know you won't let her die. So stop this drama and give yourself to me so I'll let her live!"

The guard looks at me. "You know you can't do this-"

"_No one _speaks other than Cagalli and I!" Hilda shouted. "Any other words spoken, the girl dies now!"

Elle's cries grew louder, and then she screamed in sudden pain.

"Stop it!" I shouted. "What are you doing?"

"I just placed the gun muzzle onto her forehead. It just happened to be a _little _hot," Hilda says.

I wanted to kill her. I mean that. I felt this primal desire to take her head and smash it against the _Archangel_'s walls until there was nothing left but pulp. It was possessing me, and it was taking all of my self control to not lean into that room and shoot Hilda immediately.

More people, running down the hall, at long last.

"No one else interferes!" Hilda shouted. "Stop them _now _or she dies!"

Immediately, I yell "Stop! Everybody! Don't come any closer!"

There's grunts of confusion from everybody coming, but they're smart enough to stop.

"If you come any closer, there's a civilian who's going to die," I say. "Stop."

"Good. You can follow _one _instruction," Hilda says. "Now follow the main one. Surrender yourself."

How can I get out of this? Isn't there any way I can trick her into screwing up so I can kill or otherwise stop her and save Elle?

"Release her and I'll give up."

"I'm not falling for that trick!" Hilda shouted. Again, I heard Elle shriek in pain and the only thing I could do in response is punch the floor multiple times until my left fist began to bleed from the knuckles. There was so much raw aggression filling in me I felt more like an animal than a human.

But there wasn't a seed. That brown seed I had seen in the Strike's cockpit wasn't showing up. Why? Why wasn't it appearing?

"Cagalli, Cagalli, help me, please help me," Elle sobbed. "I don't want to die. I don't want to die like Mommy. Please."

That repressed my anger somewhat. Now I just felt like crying. What could I do? There was so much anger and sadness swirling inside me that I couldn't decide what to do. What to take all of this emotion out on. I needed to release it and there was no outlet.

I looked at the guard. The guard emphatically shook his head. _No_. The message was clear. Don't sacrifice myself.

"Ten seconds, Cagalli Yamato. I'm not giving you any more time to decide!" Hilda shouted.

"Nine, eight, seven, six."

Elle's screaming now. "Cagalli, please! Help me! Help me, please!"

"Shut up!" Hilda shouted, and Melanie screamed a third time.

Make it stop. Make it stop.

"Five, four, three, two-"

"Stop!" I finally shout.

"What?" Hilda yelled.

"I give up! Don't shoot her! I'm going to give up!"

The guard stared at me. "Don't do-"

"Silence or she dies!" Hilda yelled.

The guard looked in the direction of my room, then back to me. He shook his head, almost in a pleading manner.

"I can't do it," I said. "I can't do it. I can't let her die. She's my responsibility."

I must have sounded like the most broken woman in the whole planet right there, considering the way the guard stared at me. I got up, and stared at the rifle from the dead guard. Was there any way to shoot Hilda without harming Elle?

Hilda must've heard me get up because she began barking instructions. "I know you're armed, Cagalli Yamato! Leave the gun!"

"Release Elle, and I'll drop the gun!" I shout back.

"You're not in the position to negotiate!" Hilda yelled.

I knew she was right. In frustration, I threw the gun across the hall and it bounced off the wall and clattered to the ground. In hindsight, that was obscenely stupid, considering the safety was off. It could've gone off, easily, and harmed me or everyone else around here. I was lucky it didn't.

"I'm peeking inside! But I won't give myself up fully unless you let go of Elle!" I yell.

"I _said_-"

"Give me a break, Hilda! You can't seriously want to kill Elle!"

"The last thing I want to do is kill her!" Hilda yelled back. "But I have to do my duty. I'm a soldier, dammit! I was assigned a mission and I will complete it one way or another."

"And if you don't complete it, you're going to kill an innocent child?"

"If I have to." But Hilda's saying that with a bit less conviction in her voice.

"What can you possibly gain by killing a child and then being shot?" I asked. "What? All you're doing is securing yourself a place in hell!"

"We're a nation of atheists, we don't believe in a heaven and hell!" Hilda shouted. "This life is all we have! Death is equal!"

"And you want to end it right now, in this way?" I asked.

"What?"

I couldn't believe she had never thought of this. "You want your entire life to lead up to this final moment, when you murder an innocent child and then get gunned down? That's why you were born? That's why you're here? That's what you blew your cover for?"

Silence. She was wavering. I just knew. Her response sounded desperate and shaky. "Damn it, don't talk to me like that! This is the only option I have left!"

"No matter who wins this war, Hilda, life is going to go on. Do you just want to be yet another battlefield casualty, and drag a little girl down with you, or do you want to be a P.O.W. with a chance of restarting your life when this war ends?"

"_Shut up_!" Hilda shrieked.

"Put the gun down and end this! Everyone will be a lot better off if you just give up, you included! If this is the only life we have, and there's no afterlife, why do you want to throw it away? Life is never worth throwing away, Hilda!"

Hilda didn't respond, but then I heard Elle. "Cagalli! Cagalli!"

Much to my surprise, Elle rounded the corner and I barely relaxed in time to catch Elle as she embraced me.

"Cagalli, Cagalli," the girl sobbed.

"Elle," was all I could say, soft, surprised, barely able to fathom what just happened.

I peeked around the corner, and there was Hilda, her hands on her face, tears pouring out of her remaining eye, her sobs audible despite her mouth trying to cover up her mouth.

She just plain couldn't do it anymore. Somehow, some way, I had managed to break her without even peeking around the corner or threatening her at all.

Realizing something was off, both my remaining bodyguard and the reinforcements marched in there, and pulled Hilda away. She did not resist, she didn't even try to walk under her own power. She just rested, totally limp, as she was dragged away, presumably into the brig to be questioned.

All she did was turn her head to look at me, tears still pouring out of her only remaining eye. Her sobs were soft, almost silent, and she turned her head away from me, as of in shame.

Looking at her, I wonder if she would ever try to fight again, even if she was given an opportunity too. She just plain looked _done_.

"Cagalli," Elle sobbed.

I couldn't worry about Hilda then any longer. Just the little girl. That's all that mattered now. Somehow, I had managed to save her life without any violence.

"Did she hurt you?" I asked.

"She . . . s-he put her gun against my head. It hurt," Elle sobbed.

That's what Hilda said she did. "Did she do anything else to you?"

"N-No."

I breathed a big sigh of relief. "Good. You're all right now. Nobody will ever hurt you again, okay? Never again."

I held the girl there for a while, just let her try to breathe and calm down. She needed to go to the infirmary to have any burn injuries she had looked at, but she was clearly not up to moving. Not right now.

"Why?" she asked all of a sudden. "Why can't the Coordinators be like you?"

"What?" I asked, perplexed by the question.

"Why can't the other Coordinators just be _nice_?" Elle wailed.

What a loaded question. How to answer _that _one?

"Because . . . it's war. Nobody can be nice in war," I said. "Natural or Coordinator."

"War is stupid," Elle replied.

"Yeah . . ." I said softly. "War is stupid."


	31. Walk

I'm going to shoot for 4 weekly updates in September at the very least, but I'm hoping to make it to the end of the Waltfeld battle as possible.

The higher casualties of the battles in this arc so far is why there's fewer battles. Both sides are taking longer to lick their wounds, so to speak.

Anyway, enjoy! Plot's thickening.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-One: Walk**

Elle clung to me for the rest of the day, not that I was surprised by that. Even when she was being treated for the mild burn to her head by Hilda's gun, she didn't want me to let go of her hand.

_"No, don't let go of me! Don't leave me here alone! Cagalli, please!" _

Her voice was so heartbreaking that I stayed right there, holding her hand, as Elle was treated and eventually released.

What a poor girl. How much suffering could a young girl take before it was just too much? I had a feeling that the thing that would push Elle over was my own death. As long as I stayed alive, Elle would be okay. At least until we finally, somehow, got back to Orb.

I didn't know what would happen to Melanie after that. I assumed that she had relatives of some kind that had to still be alive. She would probably go live with them. But who knew? Maybe she'd demand to live with me and my parents. That wouldn't surprise me at all, though I doubt it would be possible if Elle didn't have extended family willing to take her in.

As we left Jacqueline Grumman's office again, Elle maintained her death grip on my left hand. She didn't say a word to me, but I knew what she felt like. And I, being her savior and basically her caretaker, was the only person left who could protect her.

"Feeling better?" I asked, finally.

"No," Elle replied. "Not inside."

"I know. It's-"

"Cagalli, please. I don't want to talk about it."

"I'm just trying to-"

"I don't want to talk about it!"

She would want to. In time, she would want to. She was just a little kid. But I knew better than to push her on this. After all, I didn't want to talk about things either.

"All right. It's okay, Elle. I won't let anything like this happen to you again."

"Please," was all Elle said to that.

I knew she wouldn't want to go back to our old room. Not after what just happened. I was going to need to see the captain about a new place to sleep. One, perhaps, closer to the bridge or to the hangar, if possible. Where there were more people around. Where Elle would always be surrounded by people even if I was not around.

I started walking towards the bridge, but then I saw Murrue Ramius herself.

She was glancing at a datapad, using a stylus to navigate some holographic display as we walked up to each other, but she wasn;'t so immersed that she forgot to look up. She spotted me as we were only a few feet apart and smiled. "Cagalli. I'm so glad you're safe."

"I've had a rough day," I managed.

Ramius pocketed the datapad and stylus. "I know. You and Elle there."

Elle's weight was shifting, and I realized she was hiding behind me, just a little. When even _Murrue Ramius _was scaring the girl, I knew this was not ordinary fear. This was trauma. And it was going to affect Elle for a long time.

Damn Hilda.

"I just . . . I just wish there wouldn't have to be any more fighting," I said. "I'm done with it all."

"Like it or not, the war's going to continue," Ramius replied. "Lieutenant Badgiruel was talking about going with the resistance fighters to purchase supplies off the black market so the _Archangel _as well as Desert Dawn stay supplied."

"Count me out of that mission," I said.

"I wasn't even going to ask you," Ramius replied.

I thought about Badgiruel and that made me chuckle out loud. "Badgiruel wouldn't let me come along even if I wanted to anyway. I'm too valuable. What happened today proves it. I'm a target."

"Probably _the _target," Ramius replied. "So yes, I would think you wouldn't participate in anything requiring stealth or infiltration. You're just too valuable to put at risk in those kinds of situations."

"Nice to know I still mean something," I said.

Ramius sighed. "Cagalli, I'm honestly amazed you haven't broken down after everything you've been through. Just try to stay positive if you can. We are the difference-makers in this conflict. If anyone can defeat the Desert Tiger, it's us."

"The only way I think we can beat him is force him into direct combat and blow him up," I say.

Ramius chuckled. "Easier said than done, I'm afraid."

"I don't want to hear this anymore," Elle said softly behind me.

Ramius sighed again. "I understand Elle's feelings. Just keep her by your friends for right now, Cagalli. We are in the process of re-arranging your sleeping quarters right now."

"Thank you," I said, gratified that I was finally going to have time for myself.

But as Ramius walked past me, she put an arm on my shoulder. "You are working incredibly hard, Cagalli. Trust me, I understand this. I understand what you've been through. Just don't give up. I'm here if you need to talk about something. _Anything_."

"Okay," I said, kind of surprised she would say something like that. Murrue Ramius was no ordinary captain.

"Thank you. For that and for everything you've done so far," Ramius replied, and she walked away.

We were alone in the hallway, with nothing but complete silence. Finally, Elle spoke. "She's a nice lady. Why can't more people be like her?"

How can I explain this to a little kid?

"Because every person is different," I finally say. "Some are like Captain Ramius, and other people are not. It's what makes the world the way it is."

"Okay," Elle says, with a tone that suggests she doesn't want me to talk about this anymore either. It's something I was happy to oblige.

But someday, I was not going to be able to avoid the tough discussions with Elle, or anyone else for that matter.

What would I say then?

* * *

The old phrase "war is boredom broken up by moments of terror" proved true for the next few days. The front quieted down, ZAFT wasn't making many moves, and we were all too happy to stand pat and try to figure out what to do next. Every time I was on the bridge, Ramius, La Flaga, and Badgiruel were all pouring over their battle plans with Sahib Ashman. There were not a lot of offensive plans being drawn up. Mostly, it was defensive, to try to find a way to trap the Desert Tiger and destroy him. I wasn't invited to take part, and honestly, I didn't want to. I didn't want to think of the war despite my uniform and environment, I was all too happy to take in these days of relative peace after all of the violence I had been through.

Flay continued to obsess over the training simulator, and I noticed she was starting to earn "C" ranks. She wasn't just getting the "D" rank for merely surviving a mission or completing an objective and getting shot down. She was starting to achieve mission objectives and landing her Mobile Armor successfully. She was developing her skills, and on one hand, that was admirable. On the other hand, it was scaring me. The old Flay, the facetious Flay, in all of her superfluous obsession over materialism and boys, was continuing to fade with each moment I saw her. It was getting to the point where she and Sai seemed to be spending more time apart than together.

My friends and I shared some small talk, but nothing truly involving. I must have seemed different to them, in some way. I wasn't the same person I was before this whole thing started. Kira was right. The Tassill fighting had changed me. I had some darker, edgier persona or something, or perhaps I had finally gotten the fabled "thousand-yard stare". I don't know. I couldn't see it on my face when I looked in the mirror. But maybe it's something that I was blind to, willingly or unwillingly.

Miriallia, for her part, was willing to keep an eye on Elle when I simply could not keep an eye on her anymore. Petty Officer Kojiro Murdoch made it clear he didn't want Elle running around the hangar with all of its machinery, and that meant whenever I needed to meet with Kira, Elle had to stay behind.

Kira, for his part, was mostly doing small adjustments. He had managed to configure the settings well enough that I was in a comfort zone when I did simulated missions. The young man was a miracle worker, in my honest opinion. I would have been lost without his help.

But after five days, I was growing restless. The boredom part of the battlefield lull was leaving, and I was only getting stress in place of the boredom. I knew this wasn't going to last forever. I knew that at some point the Desert Tiger and I were going to have to face each other. Likely personally. I had a strong feeling that I was goin gto have to be the pilot who took care of the Tiger once and for all.

But then, my thoughts began turning to a person. The person surprised even me.

Hilda.

I wanted to see Hilda.

I knew she was being interrogated. Why wouldn't she? She had to know what the Tiger's battle plans were. But Hilda was maintaining a stern silence. It was only a matter of time before the techniques were going to get coercive, and there was an easy target of opportunity: Hilda's right eye. She had to know it too.

I wanted to talk to her. I didn't know why. Maybe it was because she was the only Coordinator on this ship other than me. Maybe it was because she just seemed to _know_something that I didn't. Like, maybe about me. Her interest in me before she had tried to kill me had been creepy before, and now seemed to set off alarm bells now.

Why? Why had she been interested in me?

I ran over to Captain Ramius the moment this popped into my head. Thankfully, it was a moment of solitude on the bridge. She was just sitting in her seat, staring at the midday sky, looking like she was a million miles away mentally.

"Captain Ramius," I said.

She stood up and turned towards me, and smiled. "Ensign Yamato. You've been scarce lately."

"I, uh, needed to be scarce," I said, feeling my face heat up as I spoke. I immediately felt embarrassed, small, in comparison to this woman. And I knew why.

"You shouldn't be ashamed," Ramius said, a kind smile etching itself across her face. "I understand why."

"It doesn't make it right," I said. "But this isn't about me. It's about Hilda Harken."

The smile faded. "What about her?"

"I need to talk to her."

Ramius' eyes hardened. "I think that is a very risky idea, Ensign."

"I-I know. But . . . I think I can get her to say something. About why she was here. What the ZAFT's plans are. I'm a Coordinator, remember?"

Ramius sighs. "Cagalli, if there's one thing I know you're not capable of, it is maintaining a masquerade. You are not a good liar. Your emotions and intentions show on your face and voice far too easily. She will never buy it, not in a million years."

Oh boy, she used my first name. She did that on purpose. She was letting me know that she knew me all _too _well. And I knew it too.

"I'm not talking about deceiving her or trying to seem sympathetic," I say. "I'm talking about just being myself. Up close, direct, and personal. No games."

Ramius raises an eyebrow. "Okay?"

"I know it seems weird, but I think I might be able to get her to say something, even if it's just a token, by just talking to her directly and not doing typical interrogation tactics. Remember, I made Hilda give up, Captain."

"You did. I'm still amazed that you succeeded," Ramius said.

"I think I can do it again, Captain," I said. "Just by appealing to her emotions and morals and whatever, just like I did over Elle. It's not going to help that Sahib Ashman and his people are looming over her head."

Ramius sighs. "She has an almost irrational fear of them. I can understand up to the point. ZAFT has not won themselves many favors from Ashman's forces. The cultural differences don't help either."

"Then that's our ploy," I say. "Have the guards watching over her casually mention that some of Ashman's men are coming to interrogate her, give her a little while to sweat, but then I come in. She'll be nice and freaked out."

A smirk must have crossed my face, because Ramius' response wasn't what I was expecting. "Natarle Badgiruel would be proud, Ensign."

"Huh?"

Ramius' smile looked almost sad, as if I was some old friend about to walk away forever. "That's something like she would suggest. But in this case it would probably work, wouldn't it? I'll have the instructions passed down."

What was _that _supposed to mean? Before I could ask, Ramius sat back down in her chair. "You're excused, Ensign. Someone or I will let you know when it's time to execute your phase."

"Uh . . . yes, Captain Ramius." I couldn't help but feel like I had said or done something really wrong with my suggestion, but when I left the room, I realized why.

Badgiruel and Ramius did not get along. They were very different people. Ramius was honest, straightforward, and trustworthy. Badgiruel was ruthless, manipulative, and forceful. What I had done was suggest something out of Badgiruel's playbook to Ramius. Worse, I had said it so convincingly that Ramius couldn't come up with a good response to it.

I had studied human behavior extensively in my studies. It had never occurred to me how good of a manipulator I could be before.

And this was an example of how easily I could twist and bend people to suit my own plans.

For the first time since my initial space sickness, I felt bile rise in my throat and I nearly vomited right in front of the door to the bridge.

What was I turning into? Hilda . . . Hilda was a human being. What I had suggested doing to her was nothing more than torture. Psychological torture.

Badgiruel would be proud, all right.

_No_, I told myself. _No. You're not going to turn into this person. You can't_.

I wanted to march back onto that bridge and tell Ramius I had changed my mind, I didn't want to do it anymore. But my legs couldn't move.

The realization that what I had done was the only way to figure out why ZAFT wanted me so bad was stronger than the moral arguments.

_No more_, I thought. _No more. This is the only time I'm going to do this. Ever._

I walked away from the bridge, hoping that the idle chatter I had suggested would be interpreted by Hilda as idle chatter, and nothing more.

* * *

That night, I was summoned by a couple of the soldiers who had been on Artemis, judging by their accents and different insignia. I was brought down into the brig, which held just one person, Hilda Harken. The brig was not a large facility, but there being only one occupant made the place seem bigger, and more eerie, than it should have seemed.

One of the guards told me "We have a recording device installed above her cell. You don't need to wear a wire. Just go in, do what you can. She has no concept of time in there, and don't give her any. We'll decide when to pull you out if you don't pull out by your own decision."

"Okay," I say, feeling sick to my stomach. The only thing that was keeping me from wanting to throw up was my self-assurance that Hilda was a soldier. A special-forces type. She wouldn't be broken so easily, would she?

"Good luck."

I walked out into the brig, and made a beeline for Hilda's cell.

There she was, staring into space. Confirming my worst fears, despair was etched on her face, a solemn resignation that made it seem like she was ready to burst into tears at any moment. Her only good eye turned and looked at me, and her lips trembling as she saw me made me realize that my hopes were useless. Hilda was already broken, by _me_. Doing what I had done had just made it worse.

"Ensign Yamato," she said, her voice soft, distant.

"Hi," I said. That sounded lame even to myself. "At least they've managed to keep your bandages clean."

"Yes, they have," Hilda said. "Luckily, my retina was not cut. My eyesight can be restored if I have emergency surgery. Unfortunately, my eye has been damaged for so long that there's no way to restore it unless I wind up under PLANT care. They have the technology to save my eye, Earth doesn't."

"I'm glad," I say. "That means you have hope."

"Hope?" Hilda asked, her voice growing even more softer. "What hope? I have no hope here."

"Ashman?" I asked.

"ZAFT, before Waltfeld came in and knocked some order into the troops, did not treat the locals here with much respect. Disdain at best, utter loathing at worst. The troops don't understand the Islam religion these people follow, they fear it, but then most of PLANT is-"

"'A nation of atheists', right?" I interrupted.

"Yes," Hilda said with a soft sigh. "I . . . I wish that Waltfeld had been in command from the start. If he had, perhaps Northern Africa would have followed the rest of Africa in supporting PLANT."

Most of Africa had opted to ally itself with the Coordinators. The reason was simple: Power. Africa lacked it. The Coordinators promised it. Africa was finally looking forward to rising, while the Western and Eastern worlds were looking to take an epic fall if PLANT won the war.

"I don't think what happened to Tassil will help any," I say.

"No. I don't think so," Hilda replies.

"What's Waltfeld planning?" I ask. "He has to have something up this sleeve to put Tassil behind him."

Hilda sighs. "You have a wire on you, don't you?"

"I don't. I am just worried. Worried that-"

"Then you have something in the ceiling listening in," Hilda says.

Before I can reply, she chuckles. "But it's okay. I don't know what Waltfeld is planning. I was not part of his unit, and not acting on his orders. My orders came from the highest echelons of PLANT itself."

"Wait, _what_?" I ask. "That far up?"

"You have no idea how badly PLANT wants you out of this war. You have not only destroyed a _lot _of expensive vehicles and killed some top pilots, but you are a public relations disaster waiting to happen, Cagalli Yamato."

I briefly wondered how PLANT would know who I was, and then I remembered. _Athrun_. Even if he didn't intend to leak the information out, his wingmates definitely knew who I was, and neither Yzak or Dearka had seemed like nice people and could've done a report behind Athrun's back. Or even if they hadn't, either their commander Rau Le Creuset or someone associated with him could have done it. This all stemmed from Athrun knowing who I was and blabbing it on public channels. ZAFT basically controlled PLANT at this point so it would take little time and effort for anything ZAFT knew to reach what essentially is a puppet government at this point, no matter how Siegel Clyne tried to persuade people otherwise.

"I break their 'unifed front' message, don't I?" I asked.

"You do," Hilda says. "Patrick Zala is _really _not pleased."

"Patrick Zala?" He was on the PLANT Supreme Council, a rival to Siegel Clyne. And Athrun's father.

Hilda looks at me sympathetically. "He is . . . let's just say _unhappy _with his son."

Well, if I were Athrun's father, I wouldn't be happy either. Athrun had done a multitude of crazy, unprofessional things trying to bring me over to his side. If I were the father, I'd kick Athrun's ass! But at the same time, from my own perspective, Athrun's actions did have some merit. Who wanted to fight someone he so deeply cared about?

"But it's more than that," Hilda continued. "Patrick Zala is eyeing Chairmanship. He's trying to usurp Siegel Clyne right now. The fact that his son has been trying to romance you back is well-known on the Council. You can imagine how embarrassing that is for Patrick Zala, especially with him taking the lead in forcing the marriage between his son and Lacus Clyne."

What Hilda was seeming to imply hit me all at once. "You're saying that Patrick Zala _personally _is trying to have me killed?"

"Chances are pretty high," Hilda said. "Either him or an ally on the Council. You represent a crack in the hard-liners' narrative, of all Coordinators uniting as a whole against the Naturals. Even before Zala began trying to take over the Council, it was a powerful narrative, one that Siegel Clyne adapted himself. Even Coordinators who had lived on Earth their whole lives, served in the Earth Forces, they have gone to the PLANTs almost as one besides some anti-war neutrals. Blood is stronger than planet, I suppose."

But then Hilda leaned in, almost so she was touching the force field between her and I. "But it's not just your political consequences, Cagalli Yamato. Zala in particular is _scared _of you. You've pulled off some incredible feats. Especially in your escape from Tassil. You gave everyone on the Supreme Council a collective heart attack, rhetorically speaking."

"So what?" I asked.

"You have no idea how special you are, Cagalli Yamato," Hilda says. "But then, neither do I. I only have an inkling."

"How much do you know?" I asked. "What are you talking about? "

"I said, that's all I know," Hilda says. "But don't think I'll be the last one to try to remove you by subterfuge means. I would be _very _careful until this war is over, even if this ship makes it to Orb."

It was all hitting me all at once. All of Hilda's odd behavior and mannerisms around me before she revealed who she was. The way Athrun had seemed to be getting more desperate by the encounter to get me over onto ZAFT's side. I was a priority target. One of the greatest threats to ZAFT in the whole war. And Athrun knew it, but didn't want to tell me so. He liked me, even loved me, but wasn't at the point of martyring himself for me.

"This explains everything," I said. "You've been waiting to kill me ever since you got onboard this ship."

"Well, my orders were that if I could convince a betrayal out of you, or at least get you out of the Strike, that would take precedence over outright killing you," Hilda says. But she shakes her head. "But I saw immediately that you don't have an ounce of treachery in you. You're too fiercely loyal to your beliefs and your friendships, to what you believe are your responsibilities. I respect that. I honestly do."

Her remaining good eye shimmered for a second. "I wish I was like you, to be honest. I did not want to betray the Earth Forces, but I felt that our kind was going to ultimately win the war. I knew there would be nothing for a blood traitor in the new Coordinator-dominated world, the same way Neanderthals were gradually exterminated when the type of humans now known as Naturals took over the Earth. So I gave up everything to show our kind, our race, that I deserve a spot in the new world."

The admission was moving, in a way. But also infuriating. Here was a woman who had compromised her entire life for a belief she didn't wholeheartedly agree with. No wonder she failed!

It also helped me connect the dots even further. It was clear now how Hilda had managed to infiltrate the Atlantic Federation. She had been a member of it all along.

"So you tried to kill me instead," I said.

"Yes. Or try to get my hands on Prince Kira Yeley Athha," Hilda replied.

"Is the Supreme Council aware that he's on this ship?" I asked.

"No," Hilda said. "I was unable to report it to them."

She was telling the truth. There was nothing wavering or careful about her response. At least that was one bit of good news.

But it was clear I was not going to get anything out of her regarding Waltfeld. "So . . . this was all about me, wasn't it? What do you mean by 'special'?"

"I don't know. It was something offhand I heard during my debriefing. Something about your birth parents and how you were born."

This was the first time I had heard an inkling about my birth parents. Ever. They had been a total mystery to me my whole life. They gave me apparently nothing but my first name. Even my family name was based off of my adoptive parents'. I didn't know their names, what they looked like, what they did for a living, none of it.

All of a sudden, I wanted to know _everything_. It's natural, I guess, when you know you're adopted, to want to know where you come from.

"How much did you hear? What about my birth parents? How are they involved in this? Are they even still alive? Hilda!"

"I told you everything I know," Hilda said. "I'm sorry. I mean it when I say it's just an offhanded remark."

So PLANT was more aware of my past than I was. And that had unfortunate implications. Horrifying ones.

"They've been spying on me my whole life, haven't they?" I asked. "Watching me. Because I'm 'special', whatever the hell that's supposed to mean."

"I wouldn't be shocked," Hilda said. "That's what I mean when I say 'be careful'. I will likely not be the last infiltrator. I wouldn't even be shocked if PLANT has an agent who's been watching you the whole time, and is watching you right now."

The thought was sobering, and more realistic than you'd expect. ZAFT, after all, knew about what was going on at Heliopolis. The agent, or _agents_, they used to spy on Morgenroete's construction of the GUNDAM machines, and the manufacturing of the _Archangel_, could've been used on _me_too. Maybe one of them was on this ship too, just watching, waiting.

"What the hell am I?" I asked, not to anyone in particular.

"I don't know. You could be an ordinary Coordinator for all I know, but the Council sure seems to think you're not. Though it could all come down to your independent line in the end," Hilda said.

No. I'm not ordinary. I wish I was but I'm not. The seed was proof enough. It was not something anyone normal, whether Natural or Coordinator, could see. I was the only one.

Damn it, I just wanted to collapse in front of Hilda's cell. It took everything I had to turn and just start walking away.

"Thank you," I managed.

"Please . . . I hope it's enough to keep Ashman's men away from me," Hilda says.

"I hope it is," I say, not particularly caring that I was confirming Hilda's assumptions right then and there.

I forced myself to walk away, feeling worse than I had before this whole conversation started.

"Special". I was "special".

The seed. That had something to do with it, wasn't it? Was it some kind of program put into me? What if my birth parents weren't ordinary people, or had given me to people who were anything but? What if something was done to me?

The only gratifying part about all of this was that I was no ticking time bomb. If I was, I should've gone off by now. It only made sense.

But that was a small thing, that barely healed any of the wounds Hilda had just inflicted on me without meaning to.

Now all I was left with was questions about myself, about what I was.

Because, in the end . . .

There was no telling who or _what _I truly was.

But I knew one thing. I was going to find out eventually, whether I found out tomorrow or if it took decades. It was inevitable now.

And I had a feeling I was not going to like it.


	32. Smoke & Mirrors

We'll be entering a familiar part of the Gundam SEED story soon, but under very different circumstances. Read on to find out what familiar part and how . . . and most importantly why.

GLad you guys are still enjoying the story despite all the time that has passed between chapter postings.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Two: Smoke & Mirrors**

The next day started with the first battle in nearly a week. I barely had any time in the morning to shower and dress before the alarms sounded. Hunger is something quickly forgotten in battle situations, I've noticed.

"_There's four BuCUEs and a couple of squadrons of battle helicopters_," Miriallia said to me right before I launched. "_It looks like they're going to probe the southwest sector. Ashman's forces are going to join you, careful about friendly fire._"

"You mean 'don't step on them'," I replied.

"_Yeah, that_."

Murrue Ramius. "_Lieutenant-Commander La Flaga is going to ensure that there isn't a flanking manuever being made on us from other sector. Our anti-air will worry about the helicopters unless they get in your way. Just take out the BuCUEs, and let Ashman's forces engage any infantry or mechanized units until the BuCUEs are eliminated._"

"Sounds good, Captain. Ensign Yamato, launching."

It was amazing how casual I made this all sound. Like I was ordering a sandwich.

As I took the Strike out and flew it towards the battle zone, I said "How much you want to be this is some kind of probing manuever?"

Natarle Badgiruel. "_That's exactly what I think it is, unless it's setting up an ambush._"

"I don't see how it could be an ambush, we have all of the cover, they just have sand."

Badgiruel's voice came in sounding more severe than ever. "_You saw how fast that rebuilt Duel came at you, Ensign? I don't think that cover means anything with a GUNDAM that fast._"

I knew she was right. It was scaring me how often I was finding her right these days. "I get it."

With the _Archangel _tailing behind me, I saw the battle zone, and Ashman's forces seemed to have jumped the gun. They were neck-deep in a fight against a few mechanized tank-like vehicles and a squadron of helicopters.

Badgiruel confirmed my thoughts a few seconds later. _"Idiots! Don't they realize how difficult they've made it for us to engage now?_"

"I'll clear a path for us," I said, and I aimed my gun at one of the helicopters. It was flying close enough to two others that I could eliminate a quarter of the squadron in just a few seconds. That would at least get the helicopters off of Ashman's back and force them to engage _us_, where they were at more of a disadvantage than picking on Ashman's fairly underequipped forces.

I aimed and fired, and then fired rapidly at the two others. They all exploded, and then I aimed at another helicopter and blew that up too. After that, the helicopters began to scatter and do far more random maneuvers. I had scattered them and made them panic, and that was enough for me.

"All right, where's the BuCUEs?" I asked. "They don't seem to be here."

"_They're around here according to Ashman's communications_," Miriallia said. "_I think they're waiting for you_."

"Lovely."

As I said that, I emerged from the rocky side where we had been hiding, and immediately my radar screen lit up.

So it _was _an ambush. Of me.

"They're right at the edge of the mountains! Don't come out!" I shouted as I quickly ditched my rifle and yanked out the beam sword. The Aile Pack's versatility really came in handy for situations like these.

One BuCUE attempted to charge me from the left, but I got the sword out in time to cleave it in half. Before I could even register the kill, another BuCUE tried the same thing from my right. I gave it a similar lethal punishment and then tried to reset myself.

The other pair of BuCUEs weren't going to make the same mistake their comrades had. They immediately blasted around the sand, one of them making an Ashman jeep flip wildly in the air after a collision, and they shot at me.

They were nuisance shots, but were going to add up if I kept taking the abuse for too long. I had landed, and despite Kira's modifications, the Strike was not as fast as the BuCUEs. It just was not mobile enough on the ground to be able to match the BuCUEs in speed, so I was just a walking titan, an easy target.

I immediately ran back to my rifle and snatched it up from the ground. The Strike was not a quick draw, but I got it up fast enough to blast one of the two remaining BuCUEs and left it with a big gaping hole in its left side, and it collapsed to the ground unceremoniously.

Miriallia. "_Cagalli, the other squadron of helicopters is coming right for you_."

"Keep them off of me while I fight the last BuCUE. It's the only one left."

Badgiruel. "_We'll do what we can, but wipe out the last BuCUE quickly, our flak is not enough to keep them busy for very long_."

"I won't need long." I accelerated the Strike then and charged right at the BuCUE, blasting away. At the same time, I tried to move it away from Ashman's forces, to prevent any other vehicles being crushed or flipped into the air, but despite my efforts another one was slammed into and it did about a half-dozen flips in the air before it crashed to the ground and exploded.

Why did Ashman's forces feel like they had to take the lead on this? They just didn't have the size or power to do much against ZAFT. We were by far the strongest element in their force, so why weren't we the centerpiece of the battle plan, instead of the support?

"_The helicopters are making a beeline for you, Cagalli_!" Miriallia yelled. "_Hurry_!"

"I'm trying! This last pilot is pretty good!"

I grazed the rear of the machine once, and the BuCUE did one last circle around me before it suddenly blasted away from me, and away from the battle. The pilot had clearly decided that one close call was enough.

I took aim at the fleeing BuCUE, and contemplated shooting it, but before I could make up my mind the BuCUE vanished behind a sand dune, and I relaxed a bit. Even now, after all this fighting, I still couldn't pull the trigger on a fleeing enemy. I guess that meant I hadn't gone full soldier yet, despite it all. I was still willing to show a tiny amount of leniency.

The helicopters, seven of them, came right at me then, but they didn't stand a chance. Not against me. Without much of a sweat, I shot them all down, and as the _Archangel _moved in, the remaining ZAFT vehicles withdrew, and things quieted down within minutes.

"That easy, huh?" I asked.

"_Not easy at all_," Murrue Ramius said, sounding solemn. "_Take a look at what happened to that Ashman unit that engaged_."

I did, and quickly realized there was a lot more dead and destroyed than anything else. The desert sands looked more like an unorganized scrapyard more than anything else, and if ten percent of that unit remained, that was a small miracle.

"Damn it," I hissed. Even though I had won an easy victory for myself, with my power level not even below seventy percent, I had still lost.

I still could not protect these people.

* * *

Ashman, of course, was furious. But not necessarily at us. "I knew he was too impulsive, but he had a charisma about him, he was a leader," he said of that unit commander. "But that's the last time I put somebody younger than twenty-five in that kind of position. He was way too confident in what his forces could do."

"What was his name?" I asked.

Ashman sighs. "He's dead. It honestly doesn't matter."

"The dead have names," I said. "I'd like to know his name."

Ashman gave me a look. "You do not dictate to me. If you wish to know his name, we will give a funeral service to him and all of the men who died in the battle as soon as we can, if you want to attend."

Murrue Ramius looked at me. "Ensign, please."

I was getting pissed off, and I couldn't figure out why. "I think the initial battle plan was too risky to begin with. I think all that's happening is that Ashman's forces are going to get killed no matter who's in charge. They just don't have the weaponry."

Ashman looked furious, but Ramius stepped in immediately. "Ensign, please don't make me ask you to leave. Be respectful."

Ashman sighed. "I actually have a plan to obtain the weaponry and supplies we need for more engagements. We're going to need to go out into the black market. It's booming right now, lots of sellers. A lot of pure terrorists and black operations going on against the Desert Tiger and they get their stuff from the sellers. I'm not proud of using these dishonorable people, but I know that us and you all need more supplies."

"We'll need to infiltrate the front lines in order to pull it off," Natarle Badgiruel says, surprisingly not arguing. "We'll need a distraction in the meantime so some of us can get into the cities Waltfeld has occupied."

"Let me guess, I'll be the distraction?" I asked.

"You're the best one we have," Badgiruel says. "I don't agree with this on a personal level, but I don't see another way. We expended a lot of ammunition on those helicopters."

Mu La Flaga sighed. "Not to mention that every couple of days or so we have some Earth Alliance soldier or two filter in from somewhere. That's cutting into the supplies little by little and it adds up."

Ashman frowned. "That's more potential Harkens."

"We're being much more thorough on the background checks," Ramius replied. "No more Hilda Harkens. Also, none of them have been pilots. Just special-ops types."

Ashman grunted, like he was skeptical of the notion, but he ultimately didn't say anything.

"Most were part of the unit sent to try to bring Ensign Yamato back to us, I've been able to vouch for their legitimacy," Badgiruel says. "I'm amazed they were able to survive the destruction of Tassill and work their way over here the way they have. There's no telling how many more of them could still be alive."

That fact shocked me. The truth was that I hadn't been paying any attention in regards to new faces popping up in the ship. Yet again, the _Archangel _was getting an even more diverse crew. Now, I guess, we were slowly getting an actual security force put together.

I wondered how many of those guards that I was starting to see walk around the ship were actual special-ops types. Maybe the two guards who had been protecting me from Hilda had been among those dropped onto Tassil.

"I guess I should really speak to them, huh," I said.

"We can arrange for that to happen if you want," Badgiruel says. "But for right now, we need to focus on the task at hand. We need supplies, and we need to figure out what our next move should be."

Badgiruel sighed. "And we have to consider the possibility that the battle may not have been an attempt to destroy the _Archangel _or the Strike, but to wipe out as much of your forces as possible, Sahib Ashman."

Ashman's eyes widened, and La Flaga threw in his two cents. "That's what I was thinking too. They only deployed the helicopters and BuCUE machines to keep the Strike and _Archangel _busy, I think. Despite all of the destruction, ultimately your forces took more casualties than ZAFT did."

Ashman punched his fist onto the closest console. "Damn it. That _would _be a strategy deployed by the Tiger."

Just as he said that, somebody charged onto the bridge. It was Ahmed, the teenaged soldier who had driven me here to the _Archangel_. "Sir! We have a messenger from the ZAFT forces who came under the white flag! They want to negotiate a prisoner swap!"

"_What_?" Natarle asked, stunned.

I think everyone else's reactions were precisely the same.

* * *

I followed everyone else outside, and quickly regretted it. The person at the head of the tiny delegation was the soldier who had tried to capture me at Tassil: the young man named DeCosta.

Seeing him made me freeze, and I knew he saw me as well. I thought about hiding, but as Murrue Ramius walked down the steps and towards DeCosta, I knew there was no way I could do that. Not at this point. Not when I had already blown his cover.

He did not address me, though. He faced Ramius first. "I am Colonel Martin DeCosta of the ZAFT forces in this sector. I believe you are the commander of the Earth Forces in this sector?"

Ramius seemed almost embarrassed. "Technically, Sahib Ashman is."

"Desert Dawn is its own entity," DeCosta replied. "They are a paramilitary unit at best, terrorists at worst. I'm describing official, ranked forces."

"I suppose by _that _standard that would be me. I am Captain Murrue Ramius," Ramius replied.

DeCosta sighed. "I am surprised you are letting Desert Dawn control the war effort for you. Then again, I am sure they threatened you with mutually assured destruction if you did not assist."

Ashman had been looking ready to boil over since DeCosta had started speaking, and now he finally had enough. "Get to your point, Colonel, before you are glad you will return back to your base in one piece."

DeCosta sighed again. "General Waltfeld wants a forty-eight hour ceasefire so we can negotiate a prisoner swap between our forces."

"You know we have Hilda Harken, then," Ramius replied.

"Yes. I see our suspicions are confirmed," DeCosta says with a sigh. "The city of Banadiya has not been damaged in this war. Waltfeld has a mansion by the city, he would like to meet with the commander of the Earth forces in this sector, i.e., _you_, Captain Ramius, along with one other representative. Desert Dawn is free to send a representative if they'd like as long as _that _representative is unarmed."

"You insult us," Ashman growled.

"We have no reason to trust you," DeCosta replied.

"Yet you trust the woman," Ashman replied.

"Not necessarily, but I believe she will follow military decorum," DeCosta replied.

"If this is about honor, I have not authorized any of the suicide bombings against your forces. Those are from unaffiliated groups," Ashman replied.

"So you say, but we have no reason to believe that either," DeCosta replied.

Murrue Ramius stepped in before Ashman could reply. "He's right. There's probably dozens of groups fighting him. Yours might be the strongest and you fight as guerrillas rather than as terrorists, but I have noted that some of the bombers claim to be from Desert Dawn."

"They are not. Not if they throw their lives away and kill our own civilians to kill the Tiger's forces," Ashman spat. "They're no better than the dog you're speaking to."

"Regardless, my commander has made up his mind on these terms," DeCosta says.

"What would be in it for us if we agreed to your cease-fire terms?" Ramius asked.

"You are free to move as you like for the forty-eight hours as long as there is no hostile action against our forces," DeCosta replied. "Resupply, rest, manuever around, so be it. But the moment anyone, _including _from Dawn, fires a shot against us, it's over."

DeCosta looked at Ashman. "Desert Dawn prisoners are also on the table here for Hilda Harken, so I would think twice about causing a disruption if you want any of those men and women back, Sahib Ashman."

Ashman growled again but ultimately said nothing. He knew he had little respect from DeCosta, or perhaps DeCosta was just pretending to have no respect to rile Ashman and Desert Dawn up a little.

All of this for one woman. Desert Dawn and Earth Forces alike. How important was Hilda Harken to them? Especially regarding she was just a Lieutenant? Though, just because she was a lieutenant in _our_ forces didn't mean she wasn't of a higher rank in _ZAFT's _forces.

"What is the other representative that your commander officer wishes to meet?" Ramius asks.

DeCosta then eyed me, and my heart skipped a beat. I knew exactly what he was going to say. "General Waltfeld wishes to meet the pilot of the Strike."

Needless to say, that didn't go over very well.

* * *

"We are _not _putting Ensign Yamato in such obvious danger!" Natarle Badgiruel shouted.

"A two-day ceasefire _would _allow us to get supplies from those black market places Sahib Ashman spoke of," Murrue Ramius replied.

"You're considering this. I can't believe it," Badgiruel said, her eyes wide with shock and anger.

"I've been looking at the layout of Banadiya," Ramius replied, her voice surprisingly calm. "I think Desert Dawn has a decent chance of infiltrating the city. If something were to go down, they could get Ensign Yamato out of the city and out of harm's way quickly if we coordinate well enough."

"But what about you?" Badgiruel asked.

"Unlike Ensign Yamato," Ramius replied, "We have a capable backup for me. You are more than able to command this ship if something were to happen to me."

Badgiruel's eyes widened again, not from anger like before but total surprise. "R-Really?"

I had never seen Badgiruel flustered like this before. If the situation wasn't so serious I would have found it amusing, and wanted to take a picture.

"Yes," Ramius replied. "I believe you are more than capable of commanding a ship in the Earth Alliance, Lieutenant-Commander Badgiruel. As a result, Ensign Yamato will have higher priority than me if something is to happen."

Ramius fidgeted with the pistol at her side, a pistol I wasn't aware had been at her side this whole time. "I will give my life to make sure Ensign Yamato returns, if it comes to that. And I'll take as many of Waltfeld's forces with me as I can."

She sounded so sure of herself, and when she turned and smiled at me, I realized she meant every word. I gave me a funny feeling throughout my whole body to realize that I meant more to Murrue Ramius than her own life.

"T-Thank you, ma'am," I replied, not knowing what else to say.

"I guess there's no persuading you, is there?" Badgiruel replied, sighing.

"I guess I'm a trusting fool to the end, Lieutenant-Commander Badgiruel," Murrue said, a soft chuckle after her sentence.

Mu La Flaga simply sighed. "I noticed I'm not under consideration to take over the ship."

"You don't want the job," Ramius replied.

"It was a joke," La Flaga replied, his eyes looking away.

"Please," Ramius said to Badgiruel, "Inform Colonel DeCosta that we accept the terms of the cease-fire, and that we will meet with Waltfeld in Banadiya tomorrow afternoon, under the condition that we bring a small guard along to keep an eye on Harken during the negotiations."

"At least you're showing a tiny amount of reason," Badgiruel said, sighing. "Not much, but at least it's better than nothing."

"Again," Ramius said, "If I am taken as a fool, I will make sure Ensign Yamato returns to this ship."

"I'm surprised we're not considering the possibility that Waltfeld could order a strike on the _Archangel _while her captain and chief protector are away," La Flaga said.

"Remember that their commander is away too, and will be vulnerable. Either Ensign Yamato or I can kill Waltfeld if it becomes clear there's been a violation," Ramius replied.

"I suppose so," La Flaga sighed.

"Then it's settled. Let's make our arrangements so Hilda Harken can be brought to Banadiya with us. Lieutenant-Commander Badgiruel, you are in charge of the ship and the resupply operation while I am away. Do whatever it takes to make sure we have enough to face Waltfeld head-on. That will probably be what it takes to end this," Ramius said.

"I understand, ma'am," Badgiruel replied, shaking her head.

And I was left wondering about what my day was going to be like tomorrow.

"You meant every word you said, didn't you, Captain?" I asked her when we had a moment in private.

"Yes, Cagalli," Ramius said, surprisingly using my first name. "I dragged you into this war and it's my responsbility to make sure you live through it. You deserve to go home."

"Captain Ramius, I . . ."

"It's all right, Cagalli. And you can call me 'Murrue' in private, if you wish," Ramius replied.

"Really?" I asked.

"Really," Murrue replied, smiling warmly at me.

She hugged me then. "I feel like I have done so many cruel things to you. I know you've turned into a different person, especially after what you've been through in Tassil. But I hope enough of the old you is left to know that I sincerely care about you and that I will make sure you and all of your friends return to Orb, no matter what happens to me."

"I . . . thank you, Murrue," I managed, feeling like my throat was being choked shut. It took me a moment to realize that I was starting to cry.

Murrue smiled at me as she separated but kept her hands on my shoulders. "It's okay, Cagalli. Is there anything you need to say to me before we get ready for tomorrow?"

"No, I . . ." It was so hard to talk, or even think, at that moment. It felt like the words were at the tip of my tongue but the tip was refusing to respond. "I'm just glad that . . . you're the captain."

Murrue chuckled. "I'm glad you're the Strike's pilot. Now please, get some rest. We have a long day tomorrow, Cagalli."

_Possibly my last one_, seemed to be her unsaid conclusion.

"Yes, Captain . . . Murrue."

Murrue just chuckled again. "You'll get it right eventually. You're dismissed."

"Yes Ca . . . Murrue, ma'am." I felt like such a little girl in that instant.

"See you later." Murrue left the bridge then, and I was along, staring at the locked-down, half-active instruments, thinking about tomorrow.

Why? Why did Waltfeld want to meet me? Why was that a condition for a cease-fire and negotiating a prisoner swap? What was his plan?

Did he consider _me _a prisoner too? The thought literally popped into my mind, as Hilda's words about how rare I was came to mind. What if ZAFT considered me an Earth Alliance POW as well, like maybe I was being forced to fight against my will?

That didn't make sense. Not if they heard my conversations with Athrun, which I was sure they had at that point. But maybe someone or something had convinced them it was a ruse or something? Or was I just coming up with a crazy theory that had no basis in reality?

All I knew was that Waltfeld had to have _some _reason in wanting to see me. Whether it was using me as prisoner swap bait, or to encourage me to defect, or some kind of "honorable, worthy opponent" drivel, I was going to find out soon enough.

And I had a feeling Waltfeld was going to be more naunced than I was imagining him to be.

It just seemed to be the most accurate thing about him.


	33. Eye of the Tiger

Yes, I could not resist. I could not resist.

I had a bit of fun with this chapter. There's a reason why Waltfeld is a tad more into conspiracy theories this time. It all ties back into the one, solitary change that caused this to be a Gundam SEED AU. Let's put it this way, the change is all "for want of a nail" or "the butterfly effect", whichever one you want to pick, and that has caused mild background changes that will become more and more obvious as we progress. For example, Natarle Badgiruel having a special-forces background, or why Waltfeld goes into more detail on the fossil and Earth's past. It all ties into this solo change. I hope you guys enjoy it when it finally gets to that point.

EDIT: I fixed what a "Guest" had said about Mars being colonized or not. I willfully admit that I have not read any of the "Astray" manga lines, and I look at the official timeline and glossary when info not present in SEED is needed. I have gotten some details wrong because of this but I did fix it.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Three: Eye of the Tiger**

It was the most peculiar thing to see Murrue Ramius in street clothes. I was shocked we even had street clothes on board, though I guess we had some left over from the Orb civilians that by now were close to indistinguishable from the rest of the actual military personnel. No, they _were_indistinguishable. They all had military ranks at this point, just like everyone else. We were all soldiers.

Murrue seemed almost embarrassed when she saw me. "I haven't seen you wear those clothes since Heliopolis."

I was wearing the exact same outfit I had worn that fateful day. I hadn't even thought of that. "You want me to go get changed real fast?"

Murrue sighed. "No. We need to get outside and into one of Ashman's jeeps. His representative will be Ahmed."

"Ahmed?" I was shocked. The teenage boy, of all people? Why would Ashman put a kid at risk?

"Yes, I was surprised too," Murrue replied. "But it makes sense. No one could have survived Tassil if what I was told about it was true unless they were a serious fighter. I bet Ashman is thinking that Ahmed will look nonthreatening and unassuming to Waltfeld, so if Waltfeld pulls something, Ahmed will make him pay."

I hadn't thought of that. "I think that makes sense, that is, if Ahmed truly is a serious fighter."

"Let's hope so. We're both sticking our necks out here, seriously," Murrue says.

"I agree, and I think this is really risky," Kira's voice said from behind me.

I turned around. "Oh. Hi."

Kira sighed. "Both of you are not expendable in my opinion. I don't see why you need to travel all the way out to Banadiya and risk yourselves for a prisoner swap. Hilda has gathered valuable information about this ship. She knows I'm on it. I am sure that ZAFT has to know I'm onboard by this point anyway but in the off chance they don't we could have a major diplomatic incident."

"I actually have no plans on giving Hilda up," Murrue says.

Kira's eyes widened. "Really?"

"I am hoping to gather intelligence on Waltfeld. I am sure he wants to do the same with me and Ensign Yamato. Unless Waltfeld gives me a really favorable prisoner deal, which _is_ a possibility, I intend on returning to the _Archangel _with Hilda and her knowledge well away from ZAFT."

I was shocked by Murrue's admission. "I've never seen you so devious before," I said.

Murrue chuckled. "I don't know how successful any intelligence gathering could be, but it's worth a shot. It depends how good my negotiation skills are . . . and _yours_."

"Mine?" I asked.

"You _are_a political science major, correct?"

Oh boy. "Yes, but I haven't used those skills this entire time."

"Yes, I'm aware of that. For example, you knocking out two of Garcia's teeth on Artemis."

I am sure Murrue intended to be funny, but being reminded of that just made me think about me letting Nicol go by to destroy the base. And considering that I did not laugh, or even smile, at that comment, Murrue quickly realized she had trod on dark ground.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't be joking about those things, even in a graveyard way."

"You're right," I replied. "I'm not who I once was. I remember provoking Yzak Joule and the other pilots I faced by taunting them. If I had never crashed in Tassil, who knows? Maybe I'd find it funny. But I don't. I can't."

It was the closest I had come to talking about Tassil to anybody. "I killed people in Tassil, Murrue. Killed with a gun. I spent the whole time running and hiding in fear. I can't get it out of my mind, Murrue."

I felt a hand on my shoulder. Kira. "It's all right, Cagalli. You can talk about it with us."

I wanted to. So badly. But I knew I couldn't. "No. It has to wait until I come back. If I talk about it now I'll just fall apart. I can tell."

Murrue smiles at me gently. "I understand. C'mon, Ahmed is waiting at the jeep for us, he'll be driving us into town. Hilda is being transported by other Desert Dawn members who will keep an eye on her until we are done negotiating."

I was almost looking forward to meeting Waltfeld at this point. "All right. Goodbye, Kira."

Kira nods. "Goodbye. See you soon, all right?"

"I will, Kira," I said, and then I followed Murrue outside to where the jeep was. Ahmed gave me a casual wave, and I managed to wave back, but from the uncomfortable look Ahmed gave me, the smile I tried to show must have looked really fake and weird.

Not good. Not good at all.

It took me right until I was at the jeep before I realized something important.

I had never said goodbye to Tolle.

"Is something wrong, Cagalli? Did you forget something?" Murrue asked me as she got into the jeep.

"Yes," I said. "I forgot to say goodbye to someone. Tolle."

"Do you want to?" Murrue asked. "I know he should be up at the bridge right now, but I don't know for sure."

I thought about it. I really did. My heart pounded against my chest, and I realized that even if it risked the entire cease-fire and negotiations that I would regret it if I left without saying goodbye.

"I'll be right back," I managed, and I sprinted back inside the _Archangel _before Murrue could reply.

* * *

The extra fifteen minutes to say goodbye to not just Tolle, but to the rest of my friends and Elle as well, took a big weight off my chest and shoulders as we drove right for the city. It wasn't like anything fancy was said between any of us. But it was something that I needed to do. I could not lose my friends. Not a single one of them. This war was not going to cost me that.

The worrisome part was Sai Argyle's absence from that, he was nowhere to be found. Neither was Flay. That made me dread whether bad things were happening between them, or whether Flay's obsession with the simulator was making Sai depressed and pout everywhere. No matter what the case, it was clear something was wrong.

I couldn't worry about it though. I really couldn't. There was no time to. I had my own problems to worry about. At least I had the back of the jeep to myself so it was easy to get lost in thought.

Ahmed was driving. He seemed remarkably cheerful despite everything. "I wasn't sure what to think about the ceasefire, but Ashman and your Lieutenant-Commander Badgiruel are planning a serious resupply operation. We're talking about getting supplies from the middle of ZAFT territory. We needed those things desperately."

"So you're saying it's a good idea," Murrue replied.

"Hopefully, as long as ZAFT doesn't sneak anybody into the mountains," Ahmed replied.

"What's Banadiya like?" I asked.

"It's mostly escaped the war," Ahmed said. "But if you go down certain streets you'll see that Banadiya did have a taste of it. We're probably not going to go down those streets, though. We're going to worry about just making it to Waltfeld and hope this isn't some sort of elaborate trick."

"So far, it doesn't look like a trick," Murrue replied. "I know Lieutenant-Commander Badgiruel is making things absolutely certain before she leaves, though."

Ahmed sighed. "The Tiger seems to be somewhat honorable unlike the rest of his brethren. Sahib has been tempted to take advantage of that in the past, but he never goes through with it. He is nervous that the Tiger will discard his honorable ways of doing battle if Desert Dawn does something."

"'Something' being what?" I asked.

Ahmed sighed. "Sahib doesn't want our land and our citizens to be completely annihiliated. We've already had Tassil destroyed last week. No more beyond that."

The implications made sense. "Okay," I said. "But what is Desert Dawn's plans once the Tiger is taken out of the war? How will you manage to take control and hold onto it? It's not just ZAFT you'll be fighting. I know the majority of Africa has taken ZAFT's side."

"That is something we'll worry about when the Tiger is eliminated," Ahmed said, his voice firm. "It's that simple."

"I don't know about that," I said. "The war is not going to end because the Tiger is dead. They'll find a replacement for him. The _Archangel _will be gone."

"We'll do what we've been doing the whole war," Ahmed said. "Fight harder."

Murrue turned to me. "What can I say? The kid's got his objectives."

I could tell she was joking, but it didn't seem very amusing. "I'm just worried about the future once the immediate conflict is over."

"We have to take it one step at a time," Ahmed said. "Can't get ahead of ourselves. If we do we're going to die. The only way to win is to beat the Tiger, then beat any replacement commander that arrives, and keep repeating it all over and over."

It sounded like to me like a recipe for endless war. I couldn't bring myself to say that to Ahmed, though. He had sounded so confident in that moment. Not cocky, either. Just confident in what he was saying. It must have been something Sahib Ashman must have said.

But I couldn't say that to Ahmed. "Well, let's beat the Tiger first and see what happens."

"Sounds like a plan to me," Ahmed said, grinning as he hit the accelerator.

I spent the rest of the trip hoping that Ahmed wouldn't flip the jeep over as we blasted through the desert.

* * *

"Mansion" was not the right word to describe the building where we were to meet Waltfeld. "Palace" was a far more accurate description. It looked like something from a long-ago, lost empire from Anno Domini that had nevertheless created something beautiful, lasting, and permanent.

"This is a building left over from the Ottoman Empire era," Ahmed explained. "Suleiman the Magnificent, actually. This was where he housed his African administration."

"That was a _long _time ago," Murrue said, caught up in awe at the tall, gorgeous temple-like structure that seemed to stand taller than any office building, no matter how tall the office building could possibly be.

"It was," I said. "But when you get down to it, Cosmic Era is young. It's only seventy-one years old. The oldest people on this Earth were still born during Anno Domini."

"There's not many left, and most of them were too young to fight in the Reconstruction War," Ahmed said. "We have one man, an imam, who did fight. He's sickly and borderline senile. Something unleashed in that war caused a massive sickness among those who fought, apparently, and infected them all. The symptoms are weaker in others, though."

"I wonder what infected them," Murrue said softly.

"I don't know. Everything from biological warfare to aliens to killer robots, you name it," Ahmed said.

The mystery of what caused the end of Anno Domini remains a great mystery to this day, and a lot of information regarding it is either lost or sealed away. I have the feeling that the truth is out there but somebody doesn't want us to know. As paranoid as that sounds, it's a fairly mainstream thought. Anyone who does a moderate amount of research into Anno Domini finds fairly consistent records up to the year 2307. Then things get sketchy, scattered, nonsensical, incomplete.

But it's clear _something _happened.

"Come on," Ahmed said. "Might as well head inside. We know we have Hilda secure. They may not allow me to keep a gun inside, but they didn't say anything about a radio so my friends can't listen in and tell me what's up."

"Smart thinking," Murrue said. "Follow me. I'll lead."

Trying not to feel small and insignificant in front of this small palace/large mansion, I followed Murrue up the stairs and to the front door.

That's when something went wrong.

A shriek from behind. A very _familiar_ shriek. "It's _you_!"

I spun around to see the same girl who attacked me outside the ruins of Tassil.

There stood Asta Joule, and she was raising her pistol.

No time to react. No time to run. No time to do anything. I was helpless.

But just as she put her pistol in firing position, a woman with orange highlights in her dark hair and a stylish blue dress stepped in front of her, almost out of nowhere, and twisted Asta's right hand until the pistol fell to the ground.

"What's this?" Murrue asked, looking both shocked and confused as she had her own pistol out.

Asta was moaning in pain. "Aisha! Stop it! Stop it now! She has to die!"

"We are _not_breaking the cease-fire deal, Asta!" the woman replied.

"She killed my brother! She has to die! She has to-" All of a sudden, Asta began to cough into her left hand.

It sounded sick. Gooey. Like something seriously gross and substantial was behind it. The woman Asta had called "Aisha" backed away, as Asta covered her mouth as the violent coughs continued. Aisha stepped back, picked up the pistol, and nonchalantly ejected the clip and the bullet in the chamber as if it was a toy.

Finally, Asta's coughing fit ended, and she stared at her left hand for just a split second, before looking at Aisha. "Damn you, Aisha."

"This is why the general has not redeployed you on another mission," Aisha said. "Now, return to base. Immediately. Don't make me tell the general."

Asta glared at her, and glared at me. If looks would kill, I'd be hit with the force of a nuclear explosion. She was that enraged.

At the risk of speaking the obvious, negotiations with her weren't going to go anywhere.

Asta gave me a long, hard look. "You're dead, Cagalli Yamato. You just don't know it yet. You hear me? You're never getting out of this desert!"

"I can't wait to prove you wrong," I snapped back.

Asta looked ready to move right to starting a fistfight, but the moment she stepped forward, Aisha stepped inbetween her and the three of us. "Don't make me flip you like you made me do yesterday," Aisha said.

Asta scoffed. "You've made the general soft and that'll get you both killed."

Aisha chuckled briefly. "Hon, this is how the general has _always _been. Live with it."

Asta spun around and stomped away, her long silver hair swishing in the hot breeze. She _did _flip me off as she walked away. "This isn't over, Yamato! Believe it!"

After Asta crossed the street, and showed no intention of trying to get through Aisha, it was like a collective pressure had evaporated from around us. Even Aisha relaxed, and she sighed as she turned around to face us. "Go ahead, put your gun away, it's over. I'm sorry. She has been a handful, very difficult to keep in line."

Aisha looked mournfully down at her dress. "Unfortunately, I had to stop her, which means the dress I had carefully chosen for today's been ruined. Oh well."

It took me a moment to see that Aisha had torn a gash in her dress. I wondered how far she had to run to stop Asta before she violated the ceasefire . . . and killed _me_. This woman may have just saved my life.

"I owe you," I managed to say as Aisha walked past us.

"No. Andy owes me," Aisha laughs. "He's the one who wants to see you, after all!"

She paused. "Anyway, I'm Aisha. I'm essentially General Waltfeld's assistant, among _other_ things. I'll guide you to his room where the negotiations take place. I know who _you _are, Cagalli Yamato. An oddly feminine name for someone who looks so boyish."

_This_ again? I could not keep my teeth from clenching when I replied "My name is feminine because I'm a _girl_."

"Oh." Aisha blinked. "Awkward. Besides the whole screaming girl nearly killing you thing."

"You think?" I asked in turn.

Aisha sighed and turned to Murrue. "And you are . . .?"

"Captain Murrue Ramius of the _Archangel_, and I'd appreciate it if your soldiers showed more discipline. I was a couple seconds away from shooting your pilot," Murrue replied as she finally holstered her pistol.

"They all show discipline, besides Asta. I do not understand why we are stuck with her, unless the PLANT Supreme Council has a dark sense of humor," Aisha replied. She looked at Ahmed. "And I assume you are Desert Dawn's representative."

"That's right. I'm Ahmed."

"No last name?"

"I have family who live in occupied territory. You think I'd risk reprisals for my actions?" Ahmed asked.

Aisha sighed. "You think Andy and I far too cruel, though I understand your thought process."

"It's not about you and the Tiger. It's beyond that," Ahmed said.

"Confident little man, huh?" Aisha said, a knowing smile on her face. "I like that."

"I'm sure you would," Ahmed said, and I realized he was being dead serious. He didn't view this as an ordinary conversation. He views her as an enemy one-hundred-percent and doesn't want to waste time with pleasantries. Which is something I personally like. Cut through the bull and get to the point.

Perhaps sensing this, Aisha sighed and walked past us to the entrance and opened the door. "All right, come inside and follow me. Feel free to look around, but don't start wandering. You get lost, you're gonna be a P.O.W., no offense."

"None taken," Murrue replied. "We have no intention of straying from the path."

"That's good," Aisha said, and she began walking through the halls, and I followed her.

"What Asta's story?" I asked.

Aisha sighed. "She's a very sickly girl, though she's good at hiding it. Apparently she wasn't supposed to live past ten, but she's nineteen right now. Just has a weak body and immune system and a hideous cough from what I know."

"And you people let her fly," I replied.

Aisha shrugged. "Not my call. Apparently she passed all of the aptitude and fitness tests and there's nothing wrong with her eyes. I've seen her wash blood from her helmet visor, though. I think that whatever she was supposed to die from is catching up to her."

Now Asta's desperation to kill me was starting to make sense. This was beyond just avenging her brother. Asta was on a time limit. If she didn't kill me soon, she never would, and she would die and I could conceivably live for decades longer. I could imagine just how she felt, seeing a golden opportunity to kill me and having it be taken away by her own side.

"That explains why she wants to kill me so bad," I said.

"You don't know the half of it," Aisha replied. "The girl apparently promised her brother she would live to see him turn eighteen or something. Well, her brother's KIA all of a sudden. I don't like what she's doing, but I can understand it."

Great. Just great. Like I needed to be reminded that Yzak Joule is dead. He would've been dead regardless of destroying the _Archangel _or not, but I wound up killing him. And here was his sister, aiming to get revenge on me by destroying my machine in war.

So many, many ways she could try to kill me over the next few days. I was going to need to survive her somehow, survive this desert, and set off for home long before Asta Joule got her hands on me.

Aisha just shook her head. "Well, what can you do?"

Apparently, nothing other than killing her too. With _that_lovely thought echoing in my mind, we followed her, almost in silence.

We came upon a set of archaic wooden double doors, and Aisha knocked on them. "Andy? Your visitors are here!"

"Send them in! I've prepared kebabs and coffee," the strangely even, perhaps even affable, voice of what had to be Andrew Waltfeld, said from that room.

Aisha opened the doors and waved us inside. "Go on."

"I'll lead," Murrue said. I could see her arm getting somewhat close to that pistol she had. She was ready to shoot at the first sign of a trick. She meant it when she said she was ready to make sure I would get out of here one way or another.

Once I could finally move past Murrue and into the room, I saw a table with three plates and cups situated in front of us. And there, in surprisingly casual clothing, blue jeans and a red shirt with yellow short sleeves, was Andrew Waltfeld. Blue-eyed, brown-haired, undoubtedly handsome in a casual, almost slacker-ish type of way.

I admit it, I found him somewhat attractive.

"Ah, hello there," Waltfeld said, his voice still even and casual. "I assume you are my requested guests? You are Captain Murrue Ramius, correct?"

"Yes," Murrue said. "And you are the famous 'Desert Tiger'."

Waltfeld chuckled. "In the flesh."

He eyed me. "And you are Strike's pilot."

I felt serious deja vu going on. "Yes, I am."

"Your voice has a strange pitch. Sounds just a bit feminine. Not what I'd expect from a young man at all."

This time it was beyond clenched teeth, my fists were completely clenched shut as well. "That's because I am a _girl_, you dumbass!"

Murrue looked at me like the world was going to end. "Cagalli, please!"

But Waltfeld and Aisha's reactions were not anything normal. Instead, they just stared for a second, and they both started _laughing_. Uncontrollably. Like all of a sudden I was the most brilliant comedy act in the world.

"What? What's so funny?" I asked.

Waltfeld sighed and managed to get himself under control while Aisha was clutching her sides. "I can't believe it. It's true, just like the rumors say. There _is_a way to push your buttons."

"Huh?" I asked.

Waltfeld looked surprisingly devious the next second, and I realized that _this _was the real Desert Tiger. "Showing your weakness to an enemy is a grave mistake, Ensign Yamato. Like you just did right now. Unfortunately, I doubt this _specific_ weakness has any real application on the battlefield, but keep the concept in mind for future reference."

"How?" I asked. "How did you know?"

"Eh, just overheard something Lieutenant Zala said to someone else," Waltfeld said. "You know who he is, isn't you?"

I knew there wasn't any beating around the bush with that one. "Of course. He's okay, then?"

"Had some mild injuries but nothing dehabiliating," Waltfeld said. "I had to help him smooth things over with PLANT, though. I helped him make it seem that his goal was to recover the Strike more than rescue you. It worked, to put it succinctly."

"Wait a minute," Ahmed said, looked shocked. "You know a Coordinator?"

I realized that Ahmed and none of Desert Dawn had to know I was a Coordinator. And before I could reply, Waltfeld said "Kid, this girl, who is likely the only reason why Desert Dawn still exists at this point, _is _a Coordinator."

Ahmed looked at me, wide-eyed, and just sat down, looking like he was staring into space.

I realized immediately that Waltfeld had trapped us. Desert Dawn's trust in me could easily evaporate once word spread among them that I was a Coordinator. There was no way Ahmed would keep that a secret. If he went to Sahib Ashman first, there was a chance word wouldn't spread, Ashman seemed too practical to distrust me just because of my genetics. But if he went to someone else first? Possible total chaos.

"I will continue to fight for the _Archangel_," I said. Thoughts were spinning through my head as to how to minimize any damage. "Don't even waste your time trying to get me to defect. It's not happening."

"I'm aware of it. I didn't call you in here because I wanted to encourage a defection," Waltfeld said coolly.

"Oh yeah?" I asked, skeptical.

Waltfeld's eyes lit up, and it was a look I was quickly relating to his image as the Desert Tiger. "I wanted to see you because I wanted to get a good look at you. It's been a long time since a soldier as talented as you are faced my forces. You are my first worthy opponent since I knocked Eurasia out of the African front. That means something."

"I'm a 'worthy opponent', huh?" I asked.

"That's right. And now I have a confirmed way to get under your skin, _boy_," Waltfeld said, putting just a little bit of mocking venom underneath the last word.

Even when knowing that he was purposefully taunting me, I still had to fight an urge to deck him. But I forced myself to keep the violent emotions down. Not give him the satisfaction of knowing that he and Aisha combined had infuriated me for the _third _time in about ten minutes.

Murrue, perhaps sensing I was struggling not to blow, intervened. "We are here for business, General. It is time we began talking."

"Yes," Waltfeld said, and he sat down behind the table. "Here. The kebabs are finished, complete with delicious yogurt sauce, along with my special blend of coffee. We can-"

"Can you guarantee they're not drugged?" I asked.

Waltfeld stared.

"Prepare the food again, in front of us. There's no way to tell that the food's been drugged or poisoned or what," I said.

Waltfeld now almost looked like he was pouting. "You don't trust me?"

"You're the _enemy_, General," I said. "It would be the easiest way to remove Captain Ramius here and I from the war and violate the cease-fire and knock both Dawn and the _Archangel _out in no time flat. I'm sorry, but my trust level is rather low, all things considering."

Aisha whistled from behind me. "She's got ya there, Andy."

"These are cold times, aren't they?" Waltfeld asked wistfully. He sighed. "Fine. I'll start over _again_. Happy?"

"Yes," I said. "And I want chili sauce."

"You can't be serious, chili sauce?" Waltfeld asked, his face stricken.

So, I had found a button to push with him too. "Yes. Chili sauce. We're talking the spiciest you got here. Not of that crappy yogurt sauce with me."

"Damn it, you are missing some important taste buds," Waltfeld said, and for a moment, we didn't seem like enemy soldiers. Almost like we were at some party or something.

But it was just for a moment.

But I was shocked that I found myself wishing that the moment could last forever.

* * *

Waltfeld dutifully gave his food away to some of his guards, and restarted. It wasn't long, though, before I saw something on one of his shelves. "Isn't that the fossil that George Glenn, the first Coordinator, found all those years ago?"

Waltfeld chuckled. "It is. Proof of alien life. Incredible, isn't it?"

"It is," I said.

Murrue folded her arms. "I have always wondered why the fossil didn't trigger more interplanetary exploration."

Waltfeld shook his head. "It could be for anything. It's said, though, that there's a reason why we haven't gone back to Jupiter. I've been hearing a few things."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Did you know that the GUNDAM you're flying is not the first one ever made?" Waltfeld asked.

"What?" I replied.

"Well, that's one of the rumors. GUNDAMs, or something similar to them, have existed for a long time, or _did_, anyway. But they vanished. Or were destroyed. During that lost period from before the Reconstruction War or during it, they vanished. But like the cyclical creatures we are, we inevitably rebuilt from our old ideas."

"Those are rumors, theories," Murrue said. "There's a lot of them. They're conspiracy theories at best."

"Are they?" Waltfeld asked, presumably rhetorically. "There's a lot of what happened that we just plain don't know about ourselves anymore, Murrue. But let me ask you this. You know of the Type S2 influenza that broke out years ago, in the wake of George Glenn's assassination, correct?"

"Yes," Murrue said. "A lot of Naturals died. It could only infect Naturals, not Coordinators."

"But the Type S2 was not the first one of its kind. It's a mutant strain that infected Naturals and Naturals alone. There was an earlier influenza, the Type S. Who did the Type S infect?"

"I don't get your point," Murrue replied.

Waltfeld sighed. "Perhaps I am too bored sitting here in this mansion, but I have always wondered from the rumors about the Type S influenza that broke out during and after the Reconstruction War. If the Type S2 could only infect Naturals, who did the Type S infect? Why was the first Coordinator born so soon after the Type S influenza pandemic? And why have we never gone back to Jupiter?"

"You can't be going with the 'aliens' theory again," I said.

"There's rumors that we did come in extraterrestial contact of some kind," Waltfeld said. "And that something happened. That we became an 'innovative society'. But the 'innovative society' all of a sudden ceased to exist, and we slaughtered ourselves in a senseless war that concluded in nuclear warefare. I think that humanity was changing. That there was a precursor to Coordinators, based on this 'innovative society'. But something happened to them . . . perhaps the same thing that happened to this alien race that left this fossil behind on one of Jupiter's moons."

Waltfeld just chuckled. "But it's all theories when you get down to it, I agree."

I couldn't take any more of the gibberish. "Why do you buy into this stuff?"

"Just because I find it interesting doesn't mean I buy into it," Waltfeld said. "But it's fun to think about once in a while. And scary. When you think about it, I'm implying we're all being played like puppeteers right now."

"Well, how about this?" Murrue asked. "How about we get started on the negotiations, and we'll see who's playing whom here. I'm not worried about this theories you're spouting."

"I did not think you would," Waltfeld said. "Fine. Let's get it over with. As long as we have dinner."

Murrue proceeded to do exactly that.

* * *

It was over fairly quickly. Thirty people, ten Earth Alliance, twenty Desert Dawn, for Hilda. With the handshake deal, we prepared to depart, but Waltfeld had some parting words . . . and an action.

"You may think that what I said when I was remaking dinner to be wild conspiracy theories," he said. "And that's all they may be. My point was the never-ending cycle of war and destruction. We have already done something calamitous to ourselves, and that much is confirmed. Do we want to do it all over again?"

"You think this war may be as bad as the Reconstruction War?" Murrue asked.

"It potentially could, yes."

Waltfeld then pulled out a gun and aimed it right at Murrue. I nearly did the same but Murrue shouted "Wait!" and I stopped automatically, without thinking.

Waltfeld continued talking. "For example, I could make this war much worse by pulling the trigger right now. It would be following the military creed. Kill the enemy whenever you see him . . . or in this case, _her_."

There was a brief pause. Waltfeld's grip was strong, there was no sign of any wavering. He had shot and killed people before. There was experience in his eyes and in his stance.

Murrue sounded just a little nervous as she edged slowly in front of me. "But you're not."

"No. Sometimes I wonder if there's a better way," Waltfeld said. "That is my point."

He pulled the gun down. "Get out of here. I will honor my end of the agreement until the cease-fire expires. I have gotten what I aimed to do, and thirty prisoners are now free, and they will be transported to the edge of the location DeCosta spoke to you at. I will see the three of you on the battlefield, and it will be different there. That much I can promise you."

Murrue nodded, in this quick, edgy fashion. "I understand. Come on Cagalli, Ahmed."

"Okay, I said, and I followed her out the door. Ahmed, who had been silent the whole time, just listening, stayed so as he walked out behind us.

He could have taken us prisoner. He could have killed us. He could have done a multitude of things. But he had held up an honorable agreement and it gave us thirty people back on our combined side. He was a strange soldier.

There weren't many like him anymore.

And I had the feeling that there weren't going to be much more like him. Not if his implied prediction of this turning into another Reconstruction War panned out.

But he and his implied predictions were about to die, or I and my friends would die instead.

Given the choice of the known versus the unknown, I will choose the known. That's my friends, that's my GUNDAM, that's the _Archangel_and every living soul on that ship.

And that meant one thing: that the Desert Tiger was going to have to die.


	34. Overexposed

You know on birthdays, you get gifts? Well, you know what? Today's my 25th birthday and I'm going to give you guys the gift. Here's chapter 34.

Please don't judge me for naming the chapter after a Maroon 5 album please. ^^;

And SulliMike, you would be right, there's veiled Gundam 00 references in the previous chapter. Whether it actually means anything is another story, however. There is a possibility that Waltfeld is only spouting gibberish, as Murrue herself says here.

Glad you guys enjoyed the last chapter too. I'm sorry, I wish I had time to respond to everybody like the good old days. ^^;

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Four: Overexposed**

It was twilight when we returned to the _Archangel_. Tomorrow, the cease-fire was effectively over. I had a strong feeling that Waltfeld was going to want to finish the battle and quickly, before we could have a chance for our re-supplying operation and re-organization to have any kind of tangible effect. It would not surprise me at all if Waltfeld struck the minute after the cease-fire's expiration.

A few minutes out, our collective silence was broken all of a sudden by Murrue. "Ahmed, I'm going to need to ask you to keep silent about Cagalli being a Coordinator. I know there are heavy anti-Coordinator elements in Desert Dawn. But if Cagalli dies, that hurts our ability to both attack and defend."

"I'm going to tell Sahib," Ahmed said.

"Ahmed, please-"

"He has to know. I'm sure he's figured it out at this point anyway but he deserves to know for sure," Ahmed said firmly. "I won't tell anyone else but I have to tell Sahib."

As much as I hated to admit it, that seemed as good of a compromise as any. Sahib Ashman didn't seem to be that much of a radical when you got down to it. He was more interested in fighting a traditional guerrilla war, basing his ideals in lofty subjects like freedom and justice, not in hatred and genetic racism. He probably would do exactly nothing about me being a Coordinator. He could look at me differently and treat me differently, but fundamentally, he would do nothing. He knew I was too valuable.

Murrue, perhaps thinking the same thing I was, sighed in defeat. "I understand. But again-"

"Cagalli is too valuable, I know," Ahmed said. "I saw her fight. As much as Sahib would like to be the one to do it, I think Cagalli's the only person capable of defeating the Tiger."

"You mean face-to-face, not in strategy, I assume," I replied.

"Exactly. I have seen the Tiger fight personally. He uses a special machine called the LaGOWE. It is a terrifying machine, it slaughtered the Eurasian forces when they tried to assist us last year. I think you have a good chance at beating it though. But only you."

His grip on the steering wheel got tighter. "I know you're our best hope. You two are idiots if you think I would jeopardize that. I'm just saying that my commander, who has gotten us this far and has resisted and sacrificed so much, deserves to know."

"I get it, Ahmed," I said. "I get it. Just pay attention to where you're going. I don't want to flip over on a sand dune."

Ahmed chuckled softly. "Yeah, that _would _be bad, wouldn't it? What an anti-climactic way to go, wouldn't it?"

"'Anti-climactic' would be an understatement," I replied.

"I would prefer not to talk about our demises, anti-climactic or not, right now," Murrue said.

Ahmed sighed. "Yeah. Neither would I."

Murrue shook her head. "Waltfeld is very likely looking to sow some kind of discord in our ranks by saying what he did. That includes telling you, Ahmed, that Cagalli is a Coordinator. That includes the conspiracy theories too. Suggesting that the Earth Alliance was hiding the full extent of the Reconstruction War, and any previous existing GUNDAMs, from us . . ."

"For all we know, he could have been telling a story of pure fiction," I said.

"That's right. He's the enemy. Keep that in mind," Murrue said.

Ahmed looked down. "But he was telling the truth about Cagalli being a Coordinator, wasn't he?"

"He is, but he's hoping that you'll tell it to unsavory individuals who will want Cagalli dead in spite of her being their best hope for victory," Murrue said. "That's what I'm talking about here."

"I'll be careful," Ahmed said softly. "I promise."

I don't know whether Ahmed was telling the truth or not myself. All I could do was try and trust him. Trust that he'd do the right thing.

If I could not do that . . . what would that mean for me? For us?

Nothing good, that was for sure.

* * *

I was shocked to see Tolle in the hangar bay when we pulled up, and everyone was looking at the Skygrasper simulator, which had some dents in it that hadn't been there before.

"You're back!" Tolle said. "How'd it go?"

"We got thirty prisoners in exchange for Hilda," I said. "Not a bad haul, I think. They're all Eurasian and Desert Dawn though. I wouldn't be surprised if I have to play translator for the Eurasian prisoners."

"Well, that's good, I guess. I hope they can do important ship-type stuff," Tolle said, a goofy little smile crossing his lips.

"All I know is that they're not pilots," I said. "Waltfeld was adamant about not trading us pilots. He didn't care if they were other officers."

"So it's just you and La Flaga still, huh," Tolle said, looking past me for a second, at the Strike.

"Yeah, for now." I looked beyond Tolle then, and saw Kuzzey just _staring _at the dented simulator.

"Uh, what happened there?" I asked.

Kuzzey looked at me. "Oh. You're back."

"Have been for the last few minutes. What's up?" I asked.

"Well," Tolle started scratching the back of his head again.

Suddenly, it hit me. "It involves Flay, doesn't it?"

Kuzzey and Tolle both laughed uncomfortably, and Kuzzey spoke next. "Yeah. Flay got an "A" ranking on a mission, and when Sai heard about that he didn't take it very well. He came stomping to the simulator while Flay was still on the machine and started whacking it like a crazy dude."

"Oh geez," I said. So Sai and Flay had a pretty nasty breakup over a broken simulator. Why were Kuzzey and Tolle acting so funny? It's just a breakup, right?

Wrong. "Flay started screaming at Sai to stop, and Sai wouldn't stop, and then Flay tackled him and starting pounding the crap out of him. We're talking complete epic beatdown," Kuzzey said.

"Yeah. One-sided, I should add. She put Sai in the doctor's office," Tolle said. "Flay's been thrown into the brig, obviously."

"She's gotten really scary. It looks like she's been working out too, her arms have some definition," Kuzzey said, his voice trembling. It took me a moment to realize he was scared. Scared of _Flay_. "The old Flay wasn't able to just beat someone up."

"Yeah, she wouldn't even _think _about doing that before," Tolle added.

Okay. This was officially going out of control. This was far beyond anything I ever expected out of Flay. And Sai probably hated me beyond belief right now too. After all, I had done this to Flay. I was the one who put her in the simulator in the first place!

Damn it, all I wanted was to keep Elle away from Flay's dark, prejudiced words. And instead, I had _this_. Somehow, it was even worse.

"Are you all right?" Tolle asked me.

"No. This is all my fault. I put Flay on this stupid machine."

Tolle put a hand on my shoulder. "There's no way you could've known."

"It doesn't matter! I'm still the one who's responsible for this! I have to stop it _now_!" I said.

"Geez, don't meltdown too!" Kuzzey said, scurrying away from me a bit crab-walk style.

"Sorry," I managed, and I forced myself to take a deep breath and exhale. "All right . . . take me to Flay. Please."

"You're serious?" Tolle asked.

"I need to talk her out of this. This isn't the first time she's turned violent. I dunno if either of you know this, but you know about Hilda Harken? How she only had one eye after being outed as a traitor? Flay _slashed her other eye_."

Kuzzey gave me a frightened look. "Eee! Just keep her away from me, man!"

"You think you can stop her?" Tolle asked.

"I don't know. But I have to try. It's my fault," I said.

"Well, if it means anything, Flay's always struck me as like the first girl at college who'd go nuts if something big went down," Kuzzey said, with a weird little chuckle. "Maybe it was inevitable maybe sorta."

"I'm the one who put her in a position to fly a Skygrasper," I said. "And if she has an "A" ranking after just two weeks on that simulator, clearly she has potential to actually qualify for training. Do you want to someone who's 'nuts' flying a Skygrasper?"

"That wouldn't be cool," Kuzzey said, in yet another understatement of the day.

"No. It wouldn't." I turned back at Tolle. "Take me to the brig."

"Uh, okay?" Tolle said, looking mighty uncomfortable. I didn't blame him.

I was going to need to take him out on a date, even if that meant just lounging around the Strike eating meal bars. Anything to loosen the tension that had to be building.

Last thing I wanted was for me and Tolle to wind up like Sai and Flay.

Well, besides all of us dying, anyway.

* * *

"I am getting so _sick _of walking inside the brig," I said as Tolle and I came up on it.

"I'm just glad there's no guards around. They must be kinda busy doing something else."

"Just keep watch, and bang a bell or something if somebody's coming," I said. "Some way to give me a warning. I don't want to get in trouble with the captain or Badgiruel for doing this."

"Well, I don't want to get in trouble either, but I'll try," Tolle said.

"That's all I can ask for." Perhaps it was too calculated of me, but I kissed him on the cheek. I hadn't shown Tolle much affection since I had rejoined the crew a couple of weeks ago, and I knew I had to remind him where my heart was. That Athrun hadn't stolen it, and that Tassil hadn't corrupted it.

He was my boyfriend, and that couldn't change. Not for any reason.

"Thank you," I said, after my quick kiss, and I took off into the brig just as Tolle's face started turning red from embarrassment.

It didn't take me long to find Flay. Unlike Hilda, who looked disoriented and unnerved, Flay looked oddly calm, still. Almost at peace.

One of her uniform sleeves were torn completely off, and I saw what Kuzzey had seen. She _had_ built up her arms. It wasn't a dramatic change, but it was a noticeable difference from how she once was at borderline-skin-and-bones. Still, there was no way she should have made even _this _amount of development in just two weeks.

She had to have taken something. A drug. I don't know if it came from Dawn or somewhere on the ship. But that would explain it.

Flay looked at me, and her disheveled bangs covered up the eye closest to me as she cocked her head just a bit. She smiled ever so slightly. "Hello."

Okay. As far as "Hellos" go, that was_ moderately_ creepy. "Flay, what did you do? I've been hearing that you really beat Sai up."

"Sai?" Flay chuckled briefly. "He was trying to hold me back. Stop me from getting my revenge on the Coordinators. He could've just said something, but _no_, he just started attacking the machine ranting about god-knows-what. I had to stop him before he broke the machine, so that's what I did. I stopped him."

"You beat him up pretty bad," I said.

"He deserved it," Flay said. She got up and stared right at me. "He truly didn't understand. He didn't _want_ to understand. He wants to control me. He wants to manipulate me. I'm not going to let him do it, and I'm not going to let _you_do it either."

Not good. Not good at all. "Flay, please-"

"I know what you're going to say. 'Stop trying to train'. 'Stop what you're doing'. 'Just try to go back to normal'. Well, guess what, wonder girl? I _can't_!"

I could only stare as Flay began to scream at me from behind the bars, tears starting to roll down her face as she continued. "I can't go back to normal! I can't, I can't, I _can't_! This is all I have left to live for, Cagalli! Avenging my daddy! Avenging all of the Naturals those _monsters_ at ZAFT and PLANT have massacred for _forever_! You've given me the only way I can get justice for my daddy and now all of a sudden it's a _bad _thing? Tell me, tell me, how the _hell_does that make sense? Huh? What do you want from me?"

"Flay, calm down," I said. I actually backed away a step, even though there was no way Flay could reach out and grab me. But Flay was being so forceful that she was actually scaring _me_. "This isn't going to help you. But you need to take a break before-"

"I _can't_!" Flay shrieked. "I have to do this, Cagalli! I have to! There's no other way for me! I am _not _going to sit here and scrub toilets forever! I'm going to go out there and . . . and . . ."

She fell onto her hands and knees, and her voice lost a lot of strength. As tears continued to pour from her eyes, her words became increasingly difficult to understand. "P-Please, Cagalli . . . p-please . . . please . . . I have nothing left. Nothing. I-I don't even think I can . . . it's all . . . just absolutely . . . absolutely . . . _nothing_. T-There's no one . . . no one here . . . t-they all . . ."

I looked at the button that would open the door. Damn it. I knew what I was going to have to do.

Flay just put her hands to her face and began sobbing as she started to curl up into a ball.

There was no way I could let her do that. Not even Flay deserved to cry alone. I opened the brig doors, grabbed her, and hugged her.

"W-Wha?" was all Flay could say as I embraced her.

"You need to let it go," I said. "Please. Take a break from the stupid simulator and think about your life for a while. Look at what you just did. You put your _boyfriend _in the medical bay."

Flay's only response was to sob into my shoulder.

How the hell did _this_ happen? Since when would Flay cry to _me_, the girl she mocked so relentlessly on Heliopolis?

But I knew the answer, and I realized it as Flay continued to wordlessly cry. I _made _it happen. All of it.

Moments later, I heard footsteps. They did not sound like Tolle's. He was unable to give me a warning, then. Not that I could blame him.

I heard the guard's masculine, rumbling voice behind me. "Step away from her."

I looked, and while he didn't have his gun out, he sure looked ready to.

"She needs a shoulder to cry on. Do you mind?" I asked.

The guard gave me the weirdest look I've ever seen on a man's face.

* * *

"Unbelievable. Twenty minutes back on the ship and you're pulling stunts like this," Badgiruel said as she marched around Tolle and I.

"Look . . . you can't exactly blame Cagalli, can you?" Tolle asked.

"Yes, I can," Badgiruel snapped. "Ensign Yamato may have introduced Seaman Allster to the simulator, certainly. But Seaman Allster didn't need to turn Seaman Argyle into a human punching bag, either. That is _not _Ensign Yamato's fault. That was Seaman Allster's choice and her's alone."

"That's not the point, ma'am," I said. I wasn't comfortable with military protocol at all, but Badgiruel was a real stickler about it. I knew better than to speak informally to her. "What I did directly led to what Seaman Allster did. So it _is _my fault."

Badgiruel sighed. "Last I checked, Seaman Allster has free will. You haven't done any kind of brainwashing or direct mind control over her, have you?"

"Is that even possible, ma'am?" I asked.

"_No_," Badgiruel said. "So you know what, it is Seaman Allster's fault she has been thrown into the brig and could very well face a court-martial if the captain wills it. And the both of you ought to receive some kind of punishment for breaking into the brig and, even worse, disengaging the barrier that keeps the prisoners inside the cells without permission. If she had attempted to escape, the both of you would be aiding and abetting a fugitive even if that was not your intention."

Everything Badgiruel was saying was making my head feel like it was spinning.

I was able to clear my head enough to say "Look, I have to help Flay. I don't think we have any therapists onboard, do we?"

"What I think is that you're exposing yourself way too much risk lately," Badgiruel replied. "I don't know your full history with Seaman Allster, but from what I have seen you two don't get along so well. Then there's the whole meeting with Waltfeld earlier today, and I'm still half-amazed you returned from that. Then there's the potentially messy issue that could happen any day, a.k.a. if Desert Dawn finds out you are a Coordinator. It's too much all at once."

"In other words, you think I'm pushing my luck."

"_Finally_, you understand. Thank you!" Badgiruel exclaimed in this theatrical way I had not seen from her before. "Yes, that's exactly it! Ensign Yamato, you are the most valuable soldier we have onboard and you have not been conducting yourself that way. It's time you stopped pretending that you're some ordinary pilot. You're not."

"That doesn't mean I should just let Flay rot in a cell, ma'am!" I replied.

"Maybe once she cools off and realizes the flaws behind her actions, we'll let her out. Though the simulator is off-limits to her from this point onwards," Badgiruel said. "A shame, too. An "A" ranking so quickly . . . she could have been a brilliant pilot."

Something told me that Badgiruel was prepared to soften her stance if Flay actually proved she _could _fly. Badgiruel was by-the-book but she wasn't impractical, in the sense she was going to do what it took to win battles and eventually the war.

"I just didn't want to see her cry anymore. She's in a lot of pain and I felt that if . . ."

"Your sympathy is noted, Ensign Yamato." Badgiruel sighed, and looked at the both of us. "Damn it. If the situation wasn't so serious, I'd throw the book at both of you, metaphorically speaking. But I can't. We're in an emergency situation, even with the resupply op. We will be as long as we're stuck in this desert."

"So just a warning?" Tolle asked hopefully.

Badgiruel sighed again. "Yes."

"Whoo-hoo!" Tolle exclaimed jumping from his seat.

Badgiruel cocked an eyebrow. Tolle's grin turned embarrassed as he sat back down. "Oops."

"Yes," Badgiruel seemingly deadpanned. She looked away from us. "You both are dismissed. But I mean it, Ensign Yamato. You're overexposing yourself."

"I'll be careful, ma'am," I said as we both left.

But the truth was that overexposing myself was the last thing I was thinking about.

The one and only thing on my mind was surviving the upcoming battle that could happen any day now . . .

That and saving Flay from herself.

The latter seemed more difficult than the war, and that did not seem right. And yet, it was the reality.

And I was going to face it head-on.

It's the only way I knew how to live . . . at the risk of "overexposure" or not . . .

But that was my choice.

My one choice.

And no one was going to take that away from me, not when all of the lives onboard were at stake.

Unfortunately, Badgiruel, being the most important soldier onboard means I have to put myself at risk for everyone else. And I decided right then and there, in silence, that that's what I was going to have to do.

I didn't realize that I was already going to be tested on that belief tomorrow . . .


	35. Lost in the Echo

Thanks again for the feedback, everyone. Here's another chapter. We're about to enter the final battle against Waltfeld but there's a couple more incidents to get out of the way first.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Five: Lost in the Echo**

Waltfeld and his forces did not strike the next morning when the ceasefire expired, and as it became clear that enemy attack was not imminent, the _Archangel _and Desert Dawn slowly began to calm down visibly, but everyone was still on edge. It was all too obvious, in the way everyone was walking stiffly and seeming to keep everyone at arm's length.

I was not allowed to go in and talk to Flay again. Not after what had happened the previous day.

It didn't surprise me. Even though I could not just sit there and watch Flay cry, Badgiruel had been right. I had violated some serious protocol. I was sure Murrue had given me some leniency because in spite of my rank I had been a civilian up until a few weeks ago and had zero military training or any sense of military discipline. In general, the worst they had done to any of the Orb civilians were a few days in the brig or putting us on cleaning duty. No court-martials. And, thank God, no executions. Not that Murrue would ever execute anyone, but I had read Earth Alliance protocol and it did allow for it in "extreme" situations, and the captain did have the authority to carry it out.

Badgiruel, if _she_ were captain, however . . . not that she'd abuse the privilege, but I think she definitely _would _consider harsher punishments for people being out of line, Orb civilian or not.

However, what had happened to Flay made it feel if there was this vise-like grip around my whole body, squeezing it tightly and making it feel like I could barely breathe. You could dress it up any way you want to, but in the end, despite everything Badgiruel said, I could not escape the feeling that it was _my fault_. All of it.

I was fearful of meeting Sai again, because I knew he had to blame me. I began thinking that was the source of this invisible pressure I had to be feeling. That I was putting off something inevitable, something I absolutely had to do. It was either that or Ahmed blabbing about my genetic identity to the wrong people in Desert Dawn. It made me not want to leave the ship for any reason. Desert Dawn people could not come and go on the _Archangel _as they pleased, so as long as I stayed onboard, nothing would happen to me even if Dawn as a whole found out. That was my thought process.

Of course, Desert Dawn outnumbered us and we had very few people trained specifically for infantry combat. Not to mention that Dawn had enough firepower to severely damage the _Archangel_. So if they wanted to, they could assault us just to get me, if they really felt like it.

With those lovely thoughts swirling throughout my head, I managed to focus with enough clarity to go see Sai in the medical bay.

The bay didn't have many people in it this time. It had already been a few days since Hilda's rampage, and she had killed more people than wounded, so the bay was almost completely devoid of patients when I went to Sai's room. When I peeked inside, I saw that he was covered in white, wraparound bandages, mainly around his face. Flay _had _done a number on him.

I wondered momentarily if Flay had ripped Sai's wrench or whatever he had been hitting the machine with from his hands and smacked him with it. There's no way Flay's fists could've done this alone, could there?

If this had all been done by Flay, without any instruments or tools . . .

I slowly opened the door, hoping to not startle Sai so he wouldn't make his injuries more severe. I was careful with my voice too, keeping it even and gentle. "Sai, it's Cagalli."

Sai did not react violently, but he did make a growling noise as he turned his head towards me. "What do _you _want?"

"I wanted to see you, that's why."

"What, you're going to say you're sorry for turning my ex-girlfriend into a psycho?"

"Flay is _not _psychotic. I hope not, anyway," I said.

"But you're still going to say you're sorry."

"That's right, I am. What, you're not gonna accept it?"

"No, I'm not."

"Then get a frickin' life, Sai. It's my fault and I'm sorry this happened to you and I'm going to do what I can to get Flay back to normal as possible."

"Whatever. I don't even care."

He wasn't even looking at me anymore, he had turned his head so he was looking at the blank wall. And that was pissing me off.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you. At least give me eye contact."

"I don't even want to hear you right now."

"Sai, don't pull this crap on me."

"Go away!"

Okay. He was beyond pissing me off now. I marched right towards the bed and walked around so I was between him and the blank wall. Sai responded by turning his head back towards the door, and I immediately marched back to where I had been standing.

"I'll do this all day, Sai! I will! At least let me talk to you so I can tell you how I'm going to make this better!" I said.

"You've already done enough," Sai said, and his voice suggested that he was starting to choke up, he was struggling not to cry. "I don't want to know what brilliant ideas you're coming up with, okay?"

"I was trying to protect Elle from Flay, and now I have to protect Flay from herself. I'm trying to tell you that so you know that Flay isn't going to go back on that simulator anymore. I don't care if I have to be her therapist as long as we're on this ship. I'll do what it takes for your girlfriend to come back, Sai!"

"How many times do I have to tell you that it _doesn't matter_!" Sai screamed at me.

That was _not_ the reaction I wanted. I looked out the door, wondering if any doctors or nurses were going to come charging in here. It didn't sound like it. The place had been somewhat deserted when I had come here . . . it _was _lunch hour.

"It does matter! She's your-"

"She is _not_ my girlfriend! Not anymore! This stupid war took her away and then you finished her off! That _bitch_ who attacked me and beat me half to death is _not _Flay. Not the one I knew. She's someone else."

"Sai, please, I can-"

"And I don't want to see your stupid face, Cagalli, okay? No offense. You made this worse by sticking her in the stupid simulator. You want to go all half-cocked as a therapist or whatever to her, I don't care. It's over. It doesn't matter to me. Just go out and blow crap up. That's what you're good at."

I briefly entertained the thought of adding a few extra injuries on top of what Flay had done, but I suppressed those urges. "Sai, you're my friend, and I screwed up. I'm taking responsibility and I'm going to-"

"We're not friends, Cagalli. You're just some girl who fixed Professor Kato's papers. That's all you were," Sai interrupted.

"Dammit, Sai, don't lie to yourself! We saw each other almost every single damn day on Heliopolis! I consider you a friend and I'm going to make it up to you because this shouldn't have happened to you!"

"So you treat your friends like garbage and you kill your enemies. I hate to see what you'll do to Tolle," Sai snapped.

I knew he had said that just to rile me up so I'd have to leave or risk completely losing it. And, to make matters worse, it worked. I could not stand there anymore. "Screw you, Sai. I love Tolle. He's the only guy who has ever unconditionally accepted me as who I am. He means the world to me."

"Do you really believe that? I could've sworn you had something for that guy in ZAFT instead. Though, knowing you, I bet you'll find some way to get them _both _killed and then it won't matter," Sai replied.

That did it. Last straw. I stomped right out of the room after screaming "Go to hell!"

Jerk.

* * *

I didn't know where I was going on the _Archangel _and I didn't much care. I needed to blow off some serious steam after that little argument in the medical bay, and to make matters worse, I wanted to hurt something. I was, for a moment, glad Tori was nowhere near around. Nor that Haro that Lacus Clyne had. I would have strongly considered smashing them.

I knew Sai was angry for good reason. But he didn't need to be _that_ cruel, did he? Maybe he was so busy rolling around full of self-pity and self-loathing that he had yelled at me just so he could feel worse. I don't know how that works, _wanting _to be depressed. That just does not make a lick of sense to me.

After pacing all around the _Archangel_, I realized I was extremely thirsty for some reason. I had passed by the kitchen, and I turned around and peeked inside, and there was Miriallia and Elle. I was kind of surprised, then I realized that Miriallia kind of was taking care of Elle when I wasn't around. I had originally given that duty to Prince Kira, but Elle wasn't exactly supposed to hang around the hangar bay, and Miriallia _was _my roommate, so it made sense that backup caregiver had to be her.

I wondered how the investigation into the murder of Elle's mother was going. Was Miriallia still a suspect? Did I really want Dorothy Eliarez's possible murderer hanging around her child?

I forced myself to think that Miriallia wasn't capable of that. She couldn't be. She didn't have it in her. Not only that, she was my best friend. Other than Tolle, I could trust her with _anything_. That's how it should work, anyway.

When I peeked inside, Elle saw me right away. She smiled at me brightly. "Cagalli!"

I walked inside the kitchen, smiled, and bent down at Elle's level. "Hi there!"

She ran towards me and hugged me. "How are you?"

"Miriallia's showing me stuff! Where you've been?"

"Just walking around the ship, looking for something to do."

"That's weird."

"You'll understand someday."

Miriallia walked over to us, but remained standing. "I'm not showing her anything dangerous, Cagalli, I promise. I was just letting her have a quick look at how the kitchen works. We have some new food that's gotta be prepared differently, you know?"

"Oh really?" I asked.

"It seems the cuisine has been 'localized' to a degree," Miriallia replied. "It's better than the junk we've been swallowing."

"It's spicy, even with yogurt sauce," Elle chimed in.

That immediately made me think of Waltfeld, with his own obsession with yogurt sauce on the local cuisine. I was going to have to kill that man soon, and that uncomfortable reminder made me drift off for just a second.

But I forced myself to return to Earth. I was getting sick and tired of confusing Elle with all of my drifting. "I like chili sauce on the food, personally."

"That makes it even hotter!" Elle exclaimed, looking shocked.

"What can I say? I like hot and spicy food. Nothing's too hot for me. I'll even have habanero peppers on my food if I can have them. Hottest peppers humans can eat raw."

"Oh wow," Elle said softly, her eyes looking shocked.

Miriallia just sighed. "Seriously? I can't even stomach jalepenos much less _those_."

I chuckled. "What I can say? I'm hot stuff."

Miriallia just gave me a _look_. "I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that."

I laughed. "What, that remind you of Tolle?"

"_Remind_ me of Tolle? Cagalli, that basically _was _Tolle."

"I guess I have a terminal case of Tolle-ness going on right now."

"Among other things."

It was a simple moment, a funny moment, something I badly needed, especially after what had happened with Sai. I felt like my old self in that instance, despite the military uniform I had on and the metallic, drab surroundings on the kitchen. It reminded me of the life I once had, a life that was so far away but seemed so tantalizingly close now that I was reminded of it.

It was just like that little discussion with Waltfeld the previous day. A reminder of a simpler, friendlier time.

And moments like those were rapidly becoming all that I wanted.

* * *

"No way," Miriallia replied, when I pressed a certain point. "No. Flay is _not _moving in next to us or with us, no matter for any reason. I know you're in bleeding-heart mode, Cagalli, but I saw her go psycho on Sai too. I don't want her near me."

"I don't want her near me either," Elle said, confirming that I had managed to accomplish my goal of Elle not wanting anything to do with Flay. Unfortunately, it was something I had accomplished _too _well.

"I don't know what else I can do to keep Flay from going off the deep end. You have any better ideas?" I asked.

"Yeah. Keep her locked up so it won't matter if she goes 'off the deep end'," Miriallia replied.

It took me a moment to remember that Miriallia didn't like Flay either on Heliopolis, though Miriallia did have a tendency to get dragged into Flay's gossip. Appearances were deceiving, especially on Heliopolis. Tolle was the only person who hadn't revealed something odd since Heliopolis by that point. I'm a Coordinator, Miriallia may or may not be a murderer, Flay's potentially psychotic, Sai's emo, and Kuzzey . . . huh, I guess Kuzzey could be grouped with Tolle.

I pick my peers well. Yessiree.

"I want to take responsibility," I said. "I think that as long Flay has people around her, and she stays away from the simulator, she can be brought back to her old self . . . well, somewhat."

Miriallia raised an eyebrow. "I don't know about this, Cagalli. Seriously. You did _not _see her lose it when Sai decided to beat on the simulator."

"I got a pretty good idea when I saw her in the brig," I replied.

There was a brief pause, Miriallia seemed to be waiting for me to continue. "I just don't know," I finally added. "Everyone tells me to leave her alone, but I can tell she needs someone to help her. She's practically crying for help, Miri."

I looked at Elle. I smiled at her and rubbed her head a little. "I can't help but want to be there for people, Miri. Especially for Elle here."

Miriallia sighed. "I get it."

It reminded me, though, that there was something else I needed to do. "I haven't talked with Tolle since the brig incident. I'm going to go find him. Can you keep an eye on Elle for a while longer?"

"Yeah, I got another hour or so to kill before my shift on the bridge starts."

"Thank you," I said. "I'll be right back, Elle, okay?"

"Okay, Cagalli."

The way Melanie looked at me reminded me of the way she looked at her mother, a little. Somehow, I had proven myself to be the only person she could trust. That wasn't good. She needed other people. I was hoping Miriallia could be that person, but she was still a suspect in murdering Elle's mother in the first place. I just kept telling myself that it couldn't be Miriallia. It couldn't be.

Of course, those thoughts soon left my mind.

The moment I rounded the corner, just thirty or so seconds after I left my sleeping quarters, I bumped into a muscular man. He towered over me, and when I looked up, I saw a triumphant smile on his face.

Then it hit me. _Oh crap-_

Instantly, I felt the blow to the back of my head. Oddly, I couldn't think of anything other than Ahmed as darkness overcame me.

It was Badgiruel's warning come true . . . Desert Dawn had come for me. And they were ready for me.

* * *

When I woke up, I was in a dark cave with a few scattered wooden boxes strewn everywhere, some intact, some with pieces missing, and others smashed outright. It smelled terrible in here too. Smelled almost like death itself.

Then I realized I was smelling blood. And that there was a great big ache in the back of my head.

I panicked for a moment, looking frantically around both myself and around me, for any sign of where I was, and whether _I_was the one who was bleeding. As I looked left, I saw a young man, his face looking like it had slammed headfirst into brick, with bruises, cuts, and wlets all over his face.

Ahmed.

"Ahmed, Ahmed, are you okay? What happened?" I hissed to him.

But someone was here in this cave, and he overheard me, and understood my language. I heard his footsteps approach, in this cave, with its echoes, it sounded louder, gigantic, intimidating, that made me shiver just a little bit.

"He thought he could keep a secret from us, that's what happened," said a man in a fairly strong accent, though he was understandable.

I realized what it was in an instant. Ahmed _had _told Sahib Ashman. But, clearly, the talk hadn't been private. Not at all.

"Little Ahmed here forgot how far sound travels in caves," the man said, nudging Ahmed with his foot. Much to my horror, Ahmed's body fell over immediately, and the man sighed in dismay.

"He _still_ hasn't regained consciousness? I wonder what Sahib has so much faith in this _child_. He clearly doesn't have the strength to weather much of _anything_. He obviously doesn't have the guts to help create a pure, blue world."

I recognized those buzzwords in an instant. The Earth Alliance liked to pretend that it didn't exist, but every Coordinator, whether through experience or hearsay, knew all about that organization.

"You're from Blue Cosmos, huh?" I asked.

The man chuckled. "Yes, Coordinator infidel. I am. So are others in Desert Dawn."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because Blue Cosmos is the only organization still fighting for the world when it was pure!" the man shouted. I flinched for a second, thinking he was going to hit me, but he refrained. "_You_ are an impurity worse than the Zionists! You are a result of humans thinking they should do Allah's work! All of you should be exterminated and the world returned to what it should be!"

I heard him yank his gun from his holster, and while his visage wasn't clear in the darkness, I knew he had to be pointing it at me. "I am not alone in my thoughts. Sahib Ashman likes to pretend that we don't feel this way, but we do. Many of us would rather _die _than be protected by a Coordinator."

I could not stop myself from snapping back. Maybe it was adrenaline, or maybe I just wanted to get the whole "dying" thing over with. "I betcha you won't feel that way when the Tiger comes along and has one his BuCUEs stomp you flat. You'll just realize that maybe, just maybe, you _don't want to die_."

"Silence!" No gunshot, just a whack to the face. A whack that _hurt_. Badly. I immediately knew I was going to get a welt on my face over that one, that is, if I didn't die here.

"How can you know what we feel?" the man shouted. "That this whole time, we were being deceived by the Atlantic Federation over you! The entire ship will be destroyed for this, for bringing an impurity down to Earth!"

"The _Archangel _is what keeps you people alive too," I replied. "Killing them will just mean you'll die faster. That's why Sahib formed an alliance with us."

"Again, I'd rather die than be 'saved' by you," the man said.

"I'm sure Blue Cosmos would like you to die too," I replied. "Saves less clean-up work for them."

Before the man could respond, I heard shouts of surprise, and then a metallic _clink _as something rolled around the floor in front of me. A couple of gunshots went off in the distance as I stared at the canister as it stopped a few feet in front of me.

_Wait a minute, is that a flashbang-_

A loud noise, my vision being lost in white, and an incessant ringing confirmed my analysis.

* * *

It felt like forever before the white faded from my eyes, and the ringing began to fade like white noise being overtaken by life. As it did, I realized I was actually moving, that I was being supported by someone. I looked to my right, and I saw a familiar face.

"Badgiruel?" I asked.

"Took you long enough," Badgiruel said coolly.

"I can stand, you can let me go," I said.

"Just stop shouting in my ear," Badgiruel replied.

There was still a ringing in my ears as I separated from her. I was barely able to keep from falling down but I caught myself. It took me a moment to realize that we were at the entrance to the cave, that the desert was in front of us. It was gleaming brightly, and it looked like the most beautiful thing in the world to me at that instant.

"You saved me, huh?" I asked.

"I didn't work alone, I had a couple of those special-ops types who survived Tassil come and help," Badgiruel said. She sighed. "But you shouldn't be talking to me, I should be talking to _you_."

Uh oh.

"Remember how I told you that you're overexposed, Ensign?" she asked me.

"Yes," I said. "I wasn't going to leave the ship, but I was abducted while onboard. I have no idea how they snuck me out here to be honest."

"They stuffed you into a crate and got you out that way," Badgiruel replied. "And that's not my point."

"Yes, I know. I'm the most valuable soldier onboard and I should conduct myself that way," I said.

"If that man had been more willing to get to the point instead of rant his creed at you, you would have been dead long before we could've saved you. You could've been killed on the ship even," Badgiruel replied. "As it is, did he violate you?"

That sickening thought charged through my mind for about five seconds before I realized the truth.

"No, no one did. I'd know," I replied.

Badgiruel sighed with relief. "Well, _that _is good news. Though I suppose they didn't want to prostrate themselves on an 'impurity' like you."

"Yeah, lucky me," I replied sarcastically. "They only wanted to kill me."

"The man was hypocritical," Badgiruel said. "If he didn't truly care about his life, he would have killed you on the ship where you were and been gunned down. You read people surprisingly well, Ensign."

"I _am_a political science major," I replied. "Reading people is part of it."

Badgiruel sighed. "You keep reminding us of this and you keep . . . never mind. I'll chew you out tomorrow over this. Get back to the ship, back to your room, and _stay there_. That's an order, Ensign."

I realized that there was no arguing with Badgiruel here. "Yes, ma'am. I'm leaving."

"And don't listen to anything loud either," Badgiruel added as I began walking away. "I don't want you to have any permanent hearing damage. And I'm going to get you some ice packs for those blows to the head you took."

If the situation wasn't so serious I would have laughed at Badgiruel seeming to care for my well-being. But I knew why she did. She was a pragmatic person, always looking to use me because she knew I was her outlet for survival. If it wasn't for that I'd just be another soldier for her to chew out.

But, as I stopped briefly at the cave entrance and turned around to see Badgiruel vanish back into the cave's darkness, I wondered if her special-ops "connections", part of the reason why I remained alive, had been formed through networking . . . or through the _field_?

Yet another mysterious aspect of a person I was only just starting to know, lost in the echoes of everyone else's little skeletons and mysteries they never want people to see.

I was looking forward to be back on the _Archangel_ and deal with _those _secrets. Compared to the secrets of those Desert Dawn soldiers who were followers of Blue Cosmos; Flay going crazy, Sai going emo, and Miriallia possibly being a murderer seemed like bliss.

I was almost looking forward to dealing with all of that again.

Almost.


	36. Push It

You're going to notice a big change with this chapter as opposed to the last one if you've been following along chapter by chapter instead of reading everything all at once. You should notice that Cagalli is interacting with a girl named "Elle" instead of a girl named "Melanie". This is not an accident. Melanie has always been intended to be the young girl Kira meets on the _Archangel_. but I goofed on her name and called her "Melanie". Now, "Elle" is as she should be, and the preceding chapters in the FF version have been altered with the name "Elle" in place of the name "Melanie". I apologize for any inconvenience or confusion because of this.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter. Thank you for your replies and for reading as always.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Six: Push It**

I was surprised to hear the ship's engines firing when I woke up the next morning. In fact, it was the launching of the engines themselves that woke up me up. That and Elle noticing as I came to.

"Cagalli, we're moving." She was tugging at me. "We're moving, we're moving."

"We are?" That's when I heard the noise. We definitely were. And Miriallia was not here. She must have been already summoned to the bridge. Then why wasn't I woken up?

I stumbled out of the room to immediately see Mu La Flaga, just about to knock on the door. I felt kinda embarrassed for a moment to let him see me so disheveled, but I forced myself to ignore it. "Lieutenant-Commander, what's-"

"Slow down, princess!" La Flaga replied, looking kinda bemused. "You can take your time. We have an hour or so before you and I have to be ready to launch. I was just going to wake you up so you have enough time to shower and eat beforehand."

"Are you _ever_going to stop . . . wait, we're going out into battle?"

"The battle plan's being decided upon. We'll stop the ship briefly in about forty-five minutes so Sahib Ashman and his personnel onboard can exit so they can lead the Desert Dawn forces. If you hurry you can make the officers' meeting. You _are _allowed to participate, remember, 'Ensign'," La Flaga said.

"Oh . . . sure. Yeah, I'll be there ASAP," I replied.

"Sounds good. Also, I would do something about that hair of yours. It looks like it needs to be cut," La Flaga said.

"I'll keep that in mind," I replied. "Like maybe after I don't die in the middle of the desert."

La Flaga sighed. "Yeah, I figured you'd say that. I'll see you in the meeting room." He turned and walked away.

I growled as I stomped to the mirror in my room. My hair couldn't be interfering _that _much, could it? Then again, it had been over a month since this whole ordeal began, and I hadn't trimmed one strand of it.

I stared at myself. Yeah, my hair was starting to get on the long side. Ever since my last attempt to grow my hair out in middle school (which _still _didn't stop the "boy" jokes, I should add), I've never let my hair get to my shoulder blades. But now . . . the tips were starting to touch my shoulders, even when I wasn't looking up. And my bangs were definitely starting to fall in front of my eyes.

The hair _was _going to start bothering me if I let it go much further than this. I didn't want to admit it but La Flaga was probably right about this.

Elle spoke up then. I had momentarily forgotten she was still in the room. She had heard everything. "Cagalli, you're going to fight again, aren't you?"

"It's what I have to do," I replied. "It's how I protect everyone and this ship."

Elle looked away from me. "I wish we were in Orb so you wouldn't have to do this anymore."

"I wish that too, Elle, but it can't be helped." It was really hard to act kind and stuff towards Elle. She was just a young girl, but offering her reassurance, while knowing that was a good possibility that what I was saying could turn out to be a lie, was just as difficult as pulling the trigger in battle. Perhaps even more so, after all of the killing I've had to do, as hard as it might be to believe.

"Are you going to cut your hair too?" Elle asked.

Totally unexpected question, but on the other hand La Flaga had brought that up too in front of her, so . . . "Probably after this battle, yeah. Nothing drastic, like probably I'll make it like the way it was right before the Heliopolis attack, but I need it to not interfere with me when I have my helmet on."

"Once we make it back home . . . when you and I see your mom and Dad . . . could you grow it long? So I know you won't be fighting again?" Elle asked.

Oh boy. I knew I was going to regret my answer. "Yeah, sure, I will."

"I want it _really _long. All the way down your back."

Knew it. "O-Okay."

"I think you would look pretty and then you wouldn't have to fight anymore so we'll all be happy," Elle said, with a small, hopeful smile. She closed her eyes, and I realized a small tear was coming from her eye. Damn it, so much hope.

And I could say no to this kid's face. Heck, I couldn't even keep myself from rubbing her face softly with the tip of my hand. "A-All right, Elle. I'll do that for you."

"Promise?"

Knew that was coming too. "Y-Yeah, sure. I . . . I'll grow it long, just for you. I promise."

"Thank you." Then she hugged me. "Thank you, Cagalli."

I knew my face was turning pink right then from embarrassment. Me, with hair _that_ long? Even when I had experimented with growing my hair long it never had gone past my shoulders. And I had found _that_ too much of a pain in the ass to care for, much less what Elle was asking for. What was I getting myself into? I just had to hope Elle would forget about it. It was such a tiny thing, and little kids don't have the longest attention spans. She _would _forget, wouldn't she?

At the same time, I knew why Elle had asked me this. What La Flaga had inadvertedly told her was that the longer my hair was, the more difficult it would be to fly. So if my hair was _really_ long, like, say, down my back, maybe I couldn't fly at all. That's not how the world works, that's not how _anything _works, but Elle didn't understand that yet. To Elle, if I had long hair, that would mean peace.

I didn't want to take that away from her. I just plain couldn't.

* * *

The officer's room was understandably full, with Ashman, La Flaga, Murrue, and Badgiruel all inside. La Flaga gave me a curious look. "Well, at least you came in time to hear _your _role in this. What took you?"

_I was promising Elle that I'm going to grow my hair out _was probably not the answer he was looking for. I just said "I'm exhausted. I had a really long day yesterday."

"That's understandable," Murrue said, in a tone that suggested finality. "You _were _taken hostage yesterday, after all. I'd have to imagine you're not exactly thrilled about the prospect of fighting Waltfeld."

"No, I'm not. But it's something that has to be done," I replied.

"Glad to see you're willing to fight," Ashman said. "Many people would try to avoid battle at all cost in your position."

"I said, there's no other way. We need to win this battle or we're all dead or captured. If I don't fight, it just means Waltfeld has a much higher chance of victory. He has multiple GUNDAM machines after all."

"Actually, what we were going to discuss with you _are _the GUNDAMs," Ashman replied. "I sent a force up our left flank yesterday to scout it out for a possible escape route. It was mauled by the GUNDAM known as the Aegis."

_Athrun_. So he was definitely here at the front. "I assume you want me to engage him if he is involved in this battle as well, then."

"That's right," Badgiruel said. "The Aegis' ability to transform into a Mobile Armor lends it a strategic advantage over the other GUNDAM Mobile Suits. It doesn't need to adjust to desert settings because it can fly around like a Skygrasper or other Mobile Armors. Granted, this means it can't go into Mobile Suit mode without sinking into the sand dunes, but it can still cause catastrophic damage."

I had been on the receiving end of its Mobile Armor form in space. I had visions of Athrun ramming me and then using the Aegis' claws to imprison me and try to bring me back to ZAFT. I couldn't help but wonder if Athrun was going to try the same tactic. It had to be impossible, though. The Strike weighed nothing in space, but on Earth? Aegis surely couldn't have enough thrust to make the Strike budge, much less carry it.

Athrun's only shot was to destroy me, and I doubted he wanted to do that, especially after making sure I was going to live in the first place.

But then I was reminded of the _other _time Athrun had used the Aegis' Mobile Armor form on me. It had been to save me, as I was falling into the atmosphere. The Aegis was the only reason I was still alive, and now I'm being ordered to destroy it, and kill Athrun?

I couldn't show the deliberation inside my head. I couldn't. If I did, everyone else was going to wonder what's up. I had to be steely.

"I understand. My priority is to engage the Aegis, followed by any other GUNDAM Mobile Suits."

"Correct," Murrue said. "Of course, if the GUNDAMs do not engage, you are free to move as you like. Whatever it takes to make sure we can ram our way through Waltfeld's forces."

"What's the route we're taking?" I asked.

"There's a route by an abandoned factory," Ashman replied. "We're going to charge right through Waltfeld's forces and cut them into two pieces. It's the only way for us to have a chance of victory."

"It's a risky plan," I said. "We might outnumber Waltfeld but he has a lot more heavy equipment than we do. Everything is centered on the _Archangel_for us, but . . ."

"He has three ships," Badgiruel replied. "The flagship is the _Lesseps_."

"Three against one, huh?" I asked.

La Flaga looked at me, raising an eyebrow. "Nothing different than space, princess."

"Please, for the love of God, don't call me 'princess'. At least not in the middle of an _officer's meeting_," I snapped.

Murrue _and _Badgiruel were giving La Flaga the evil eye and, for his part, he just scratched the back of his head and chuckled softly.

"You're underestimating my forces' capabilities," Ashman replied, ignoring the awkwardness from us. "We are highly mobile. As long as the Aegis and this 'Duel Assault Shroud' is kept away from us, we should be able to hold our own with, of course, the _Archangel_'s support."

That still means you're reliant on us, Sahib Ashman. I knew better than to tell him that, though. I _did_say "You're lucky we are still willing to help you after what some of your men tried to do to me."

"Cagalli," Murrue said, raising her hands. I wasn't going to let her stop me. Not this time.

"Your men kidnapped me, put me unconscious, hit me in the face and were incredibly close to murdering me and I'd be dead right now if it wasn't for Lieutenant-Commander Badgiruel. I demand an apology from you for what happened or your forces won't get any help from me. I can't stop Captain Ramius from helping you but I certainly won't."

It was as if I had thrown a visible layer of stress and terror over everyone. Badgiruel's face was turning purple, Murrue and La Flaga's eyes were widened, and Ashman's face just turned _red_.

Finally, Ashman spoke. "You are a very . . . outspoken young woman. But I understand your emotions. My men _did_ kidnap you and I do apologize for that. But I won't apologize for having them in my unit. In this war, _my_ war, I can't afford to waste time on background checks, I can only ensure that my recruits are capable of _fighting_."

I didn't want to accept that answer, but now that I had gotten my point out there, I knew I had to let it go. Especially with Badgiruel looking like her head was going to explode volcano-style. "I accept your apology then. Consider it lucky that your men didn't violate me. If they had, I would not help at all, no matter what my orders."

With that, I left the room. I knew Badgiruel was going to give me a serious tongue-lashing for it, but I didn't care. There was no way I was going to let Ashman get off the hook before the battle, just in case he wound up dying. It was a nice little reminder to him to keep better control of his forces, and how lucky he was that certain things didn't transpire.

Lastly, it told him that I was not some pawn he could move whenever he felt like it. I was my own being, and there were some things I could not tolerate.

And what happened the previous night was one of them.

* * *

"Wow," La Flaga said, almost casually, as we were in the pilot's room getting suited up. "Pretty strong words there, princess."

I _really _was getting sick of being called that. It was like La Flaga's personal nickname for me and I didn't find it flattering. It was marginally better than being called a "boy" but it seemed to suggest something entitled or prissy about me, and that implication was driving me crazy.

"I had to say it," I said, biting back any insult or angry remark that could have come instead. "Ashman and his people could be dead after this battle. He had to know how I felt. I wasn't going to let him walk away without knowing."

La Flaga sighed. "You could've blown the whole alliance," he said. "Lieutenant-Commander Badgiruel especially was unhappy about it."

"She saw what happened first-hand when she came to rescue me," I said. "She's got no reason to be mad."

"Oh, Badgiruel is _pissed _about what happened to you. She doesn't like Desert Dawn very much, never did. But she's furious over your lack of tact. If Ashman was not as reasonable as he is, we could be in a situation where Dawn is as much an enemy as the Desert Tiger."

"I fail to see where Dawn regards us as allies on equal terms. They threatened to fight us if we did not help them," I replied. "We're effectively mercenaries cajoled into their service. I don't approve of that either."

La Flaga sighed. "I'm just saying, princess, more tact and thought of the consequences would be nice."

"Speak for yourself, calling me a 'princess' all the damn time," I replied.

La Flaga lightly chuckled. "You women are _not _letting me off easily, are you?"

I saw he had a kebab with him. "Going to eat that before we launch, I assume?"

"You can't go into battle on an empty stomach," La Flaga replied. "You need the energy. We've got just enough time for me to digest this before we go out there. Plus, I managed to get my hands on some yogurt sauce. Takes some of the kick off these local eats."

Yogurt sauce . . . why did La Flaga have to like yogurt sauce? He made me think of Waltfeld in that instance. In fact, La Flaga and Waltfeld were alike in a few ways, with their casual demeanors and friendly asides. And, I guess, they adored yogurt sauce on spicy food.

"Something wrong?" La Flaga asked as he stuffed about a quarter of the kebab into his mouth.

"General Waltfeld liked yogurt sauce on his kebabs as well," I replied.

"Oh." La Flaga chewed and swallowed. "I almost forgot that you met him personally. It's always more difficult to kill someone if you got to meet him face to face first. You know the guy, and you know that in the end one of you is going to have to die so the other can survive. I can't imagine it's easy for you."

"It's something I have to do," I replied. "It's something I accept. Waltfeld has to die, not just for my own survival, but everyone else's. If my friends and everyone else from Orb want to go home again, I need to make sure that Waltfeld is dead."

"And do you think the same of your old ZAFT boyfriend?" La Flaga asked me.

That was a much more difficult question to answer. And it had only gotten more difficult to think about considering Athrun had saved my life. I chose to brush it off. "What have I done this whole time but fight Athrun? There's no choice."

"Damn, you're cold," La Flaga chuckled as he continued eating.

"I am _not_ cold! You think I honestly want to kill people I know?" I shouted at him. "Of course not! But I've killed a lot of people in space _and _in this desert to make sure we get to Orb and that's something I absolutely have to do!"

"I was just joking, princess," La Flaga said, looking befuddled.

"Stop calling me 'princess', jackass! What the hell do you mean by that, anyway?"

"You just called your superior officer 'jackass'," La Flaga replied, almost singsong.

The realization I had done so brought nothing but waves of embarrassment. If that had been Badgiruel I had been insulting, I could have been toast in an instant. She had no problems with brig time regarding me. She had already done so over me punching Lacus Clyne in the face.

"And I don't have to answer that either," La Flaga replied. "I know you're going through a lot right now, but you need to calm down and relax. You can't blow up over the smallest things. If you do, you're going to overdo something. And if that's on the battlefield, you could get killed."

"I'm having troubles relaxing right now. I think I might wind up having to kill my childhood friend in order for us to live," I replied. "He saved me, Lieutenant-Commander. I was plunging into the atmosphere and he sacrificed an easy ticket back into space and onboard a ship in order to make sure I lived. You have no idea how hard it is knowing that I'm going to have to kill him, but . . ."

I lost my train of thought for a second. I searched for the right words to say. Whatever could get close to the meaning I was striving for.

"I know I'm going to have to. Not unless he stops confronting me, stops trying to bring me over to his side, whatever. It's not going to happen. I'm bringing my friends and the civilians back home to Orb. And if I have to kill him, so be it."

Saying those words out loud hurt much more than I had expected. Killing Athrun? All I could think about was that long-haired boy in prep school who was my best friend. All of those experiences, all of the times playing together, even that kiss he gave me right after graduation . . . I was going to kill him? Especially after saving his life too?

I could tell, just by how quickly my eyes were watering, that if I did it, I would spend hours, maybe even days, crying over it. But I knew I would, too. There was a part of me _just _hard enough that told me that I could kill him.

I forced my tears down, and sniffed and coughed a couple of times to cover it up. "Look, I'm going to head out towards the Strike and speak to Kira. I want to know of any more surprises Kira could've put into that machine."

"That boy is a genius," La Flaga said. "I can only imagine what kind of programming he'd be capable of if he was a Coordinator like you."

"We'd be better off," I replied. "Then the Strike would be a one-person job, not two."

"Now that I think about it, what would you be doing, if you were the Natural and Kira was the Coordinator?" La Flaga asked.

Part of me wanted to think about it, but I knew that so close to the battle . . .

"There's no point in thinking about it. I have no idea what I'd be if I was a Natural with birth parents. Especially if I were in Kira's position, and if he was in mine. I can't imagine what it's like being Kira, the prince of Orb, with a father like Kira's who is so famous and so important. I mean, the only thing I can think of without babbling is that Kira and my adoptive parents have some similarities so maybe Kira wouldn't realize that he was adopted. I look absolutely _nothing _like my adoptive parents so I figured it out pretty early in my life . . . and I think it's better that way, anyway. I know that my adoptive parents love me and my birth parents are dead or couldn't give a rat's ass. No mystery, no hidden tension."

"Well, other than your gender is apparently a mystery to a lot of people," La Flaga said.

I knew he was saying that to try and joke again. I sensed that what I had just laid into La Flaga was too heavy for his liking. He had probably expected a light answer in response, not something so personal, direct, and somewhat thought-provoking. I can joke sometimes, but not right then. Not right before a battle.

"Well, Elle wants me to grow my hair really long, so maybe with super-long hair people won't call me a boy anymore," I replied.

La Flaga raised an eyebrow.

"Once we get back to Orb, I mean," I replied, feeling a small amount of heat rushing to my cheeks. The embarrassment again. Damn Elle and her damn adorable-ness.

La Flaga sighed. "That sounds better." He walked over to the com.

"Just checking on whether you're getting a second Skygrasper ready to go," he said.

Murdoch's voice. "_You're really serious about this, huh?_"

"Damn it, Petty Officer Murdoch! How many times do I need to make this clear? If I run out of ammunition, it'll be much quicker to change aircraft than just sit around waiting for a reload!" La Flaga snapped back.

Petty Officer Kojiro Murdoch responded with an expletive-heavy rant. La Flaga put his hand over the speaker, as if censoring the expletives from me meant anything at this point. He gave me an awkwardly pleasant smile. "Might as well go to Prince Kira. I have a feeling this will take awhile."

Now _this _was funny. "Sounds good to me, have fun with that."

"Yeah . . . I will."

I left La Flaga to his expletive-heavy argument over the merits of preparing a second Skygrasper, and I went into the hangar to talk with possibly the last human I'd ever meet face to face.

* * *

"Geez, somebody set Murdoch off. He's saltier than the Indian Ocean," Kira said as I approached him.

"Yeah, it's Lieutenant-Commander La Flaga. He wants another Skygrasper prepared in case he runs out of ammunition."

"Or gets hit," Kira said.

I hadn't thought of that. "Yeah, that too."

I looked into Kira's violet eyes, and what La Flaga had asked me went through my mind. What if? I didn't know why it resonated with me so much, and why it seemed to matter. It was as if something really weird and surreal was pointed out to me, and if I scratched at the surface, maybe I would discover it.

"Speaking of La Flaga, he asked me an interesting question just now. What if you were the Coordinator and I was the Natural?"

Kira raised an eyebrow. "That's a weird question."

"I know, right? One thing's for sure, I'm useless with programming, so if our roles were reversed, the Strike would fall flat on its face."

"You're not useless, trust me," Kira said with a laugh.

Kira looked out at the hangar bay doors, which were closed but would open soon. "I feel that I'm missing some context here, but I think that wondering about this kind of thing is ultimately pointless. I mean, we could go on all day on what could have been, have you trade places with _everybody _on board. In the end, I think it's random and just doesn't do anyone any good."

"That simple, huh?" I asked him.

"Pretty much," Kira said with a smile.

I was getting used to that warm smile and I was going to regret it. I knew I was never going to see him again after we returned to Orb. He _was _the prince, after all. How far were we away from returning? Weeks? Months? After a while, it was just going to be crystal clear we would never see each other again.

If only this didn't come with the terror of fighting a war. If only.

"So, what would you recommend for the battle?" I asked him.

"The Aile Pack, which you used in the last one," Kira said without hesitation. "You're going to need a balanced attack for this battle. I don't see any other way to face the Aegis or the other GUNDAMs in this type of environment, plus the BuCUEs and whatever else Waltfeld has up his sleeve."

That reminded me of what Ahmed had said just a couple of days ago. Thinking about him made me wonder if he was okay, but it was far too late to ask that question. Kira wouldn't know.

"I was told that Waltfeld has a special BuCUE-like machine. The LaGOWE. Know anything about it?"

Kira sighed. "No, but if I were to guess it's probably some kind of super-BuCUE. Capable of a lot more damage, and probably was really expensive to make."

"Like a GUNDAM compared to a GINN."

"Basically."

Once again, I am completely reassured by Kira's counsel. Not. "Thanks. I'll keep that in mind when I face it."

"What makes you so sure?" Kira asked, visibly surprised.

"I'm his 'worthy opponent'," I replied. "He told me so himself. He thinks I'm the one person who can stop him, so I'm expecting him to come and face me personally before I can derail his chances of victory."

Murrue's voice over the intercom. "_All hands, Level One battle stations! We are approaching ZAFT forces! I repeat, all hands, Level One battle stations!"_

"Sounds like it's my cue to get out of the way," Kira said, and he stepped aside. "Good luck."

"I'm gonna need it, so thanks," I replied.

Within a minute, I was loaded and ready to launch, and Miriallia's face came up on my monitor. "All set, Caga-er, 'Ensign'?"

I was never going to get used to the military rank in front of my name. "As ready as I'll ever be. I'm ready to launch."

The countdown began.

Waltfeld, I know you're out there. I'm sorry, but I have no choice. My friends and everyone else is counting on me. I have a little girl who just wants to go home. You defeating me means none of us will ever see Orb again.

I was all set to fight Waltfeld. I knew what had to be done, no matter how likable he was. But Athrun . . . I could still see the Aegis reaching its claws out and grabbing me as we began falling through the atmosphere, Athrun risking it all just to save me.

Fighting him was going to be much, much tougher. Our first fight since space. Since he saved me.

But in the end, if I had to kill him . . .

I told myself I would. I just hoped it was the truth and not a lie. If it was a lie, then Athrun could destroy the_Archangel_, or capture it. I couldn't allow that either. So the truth, harsh as it was . . .

I had to kill Athrun too.

_Sorry_, I thought as the countdown approached zero. _But this is what I have to do, Athrun. I have no choice. Not until we get to Orb._

The countdown hit zero.

"This is Ensign Cagalli Yamato, Strike GUNDAM, launching!"

I accelerated and blasted out into the desert.


	37. Lights Out

Thanks again for all of your comments so far. I'm glad you guys are still enjoying it, despite the lack of action the last few chapters. Well, this entire chapter is nothing but fighting, so I hope that satisfies the action fans out there (including those wondering what happened to Green Lantern and Young Justice on Cartoon Network this morning XD).

I am sure this chapter has already been predicted by you guys, and it will turn out accurate to your predictions. I promise future developments won't be as obvious. ^^;

I am altering chapter five's battle with Miguel, to modify the Monty Python reference and some of the circumstances behind Miguel's death. It doesn't really change the story, it's mostly cosmetic, but I think it makes the story hold up better.

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Seven: Lights Out**

"All right, what's the current situation regarding enemy forces?" I said as I flew alongside the _Archangel_.

"_We have the enemy flagship, the _Lesseps_, right on our tail, and a large force of mechanized units coming from the right side_," Miriallia replied.

"The _Lesseps_?" I asked. "You want me to take care of them?"

"_The _Lesseps_ is my concern, princess, not yours,_" Mu La Flaga replied. "_You just make sure those BuCUEs don't attack the _Archangel_ or Desert Dawn_."

"So we get all of the hard stuff, that's how it is?" I asked. This was unfair, though not a total surprise. Desert Dawn had no way to wipe out any of those ships. We were their only real shot at doing so.

"_Yes, Ensign,_" Natarle Badgiruel said coolly. "_Desert Dawn only gets the _enviable_ assignment of leading the way for us. Now engage the BuCUE units. Sensors indicate there might be five of them. Seaman Haw will be guiding you from here, I need to make sure the _Lesseps_ doesn't get any closer to us._"

"Sounds good to me," I muttered as I turned to face the charging ZAFT units. Nothing like helicopters and wolf-like giant robots to start my day off right.

Miriallia. "_There's no sign of the Aegis or the Duel Assault Shroud. You're cleared to engage._"

It felt odd that neither one was charging us. What were they waiting for? Or were the BuCUEs some kind of trap, and if I bit, would one or both of the GUNDAMs suddenly spring out of nowhere and attack? Both were incredibly fast, and especially Athrun with that colossal cannon of his . . . the cannon that the Aegis had access to in Mobile Armor mode could cause serious damage to the _Archangel_. In space, that cannon was possibly lethal thanks to lovely side-effects such as depressurization.

I checked my sensors one more time. Still no sign of either GUNDAM coming into the picture. Was Waltfeld being conservative here, or was there another reason why neither GUNDAM was attacking?

I couldn't afford to sit around and think anymore. I accelerated right towards the BuCUE in the front, as it was about to engage a few jeeps and technicals from Desert Dawn. I could already tell the Dawn forces stood no chance.

I wondered briefly who the Dawn soldiers were as I moved in. Were any of them part of the group that had kidnapped me? There was no way to know for sure. I had to save them. For this battle, they were my allies.

I aimed my beam rifle at the BuCUE, which seemed unaware I was coming from above. Just as I locked on, the BuCUE's head turned and looked at me, but I already knew it was too late.

I fired and a shot went right through the BuCUE's head, and the machine collapsed in a heap just a few moments later, the head smoking.

One down, four to go. I slammed into the ground, right in front of the Dawn forces, to see another BuCUE charge straight at me, its beam saber in its mouth. I immediately aimed my rifle and fired it, and fired the Igelstellung machine-gun turrets from my GUNDAM's head as well for good measure. The rifle shots missed, but the machine-gun fire surprisingly didn't, and caused a few dents.

The BuCUE was still trying to charge me. Keeping up the machine-gun fire, I switched to my beam sword right as it made its lunge. I gave the BuCUE a forward kick and slammed it backwards, and then accelerated right towards it, jumping into the air at the last moment and stabbed it from above.

The BuCUE immediately began to spark and I jumped away just in time to see it explode into several pieces. Before I could take that kill in too a _third _BuCUE charged in from behind, firing lasers and also attempting to make a charge with its beam saber. I spun around and kicked the BuCUE in the head with the Strike's left leg, and then stabbed the BuCUE in the neck with the beam sword. Just like with the second BuCUE, I had to jump away to avoid damage as the BuCUE self-destructed.

I switched back to the rifle, and found myself gasping for air. I realized after a moment that I had held my breath the whole time during that exchange.

Miriallia. "_Cagalli, are you all right?_"

As she said that, here came two helicopters twelve o'clock. I blasted them both down in the next five seconds, and took the time to respond as their fiery remnants fell to earth. "Now I am."

"_Keep it up. We're making good progress so far. There's two remaining BuCUEs trying to attack us from the the right flank_."

"_Starboard_," Badgiruel interrupted.

"_R-Right. Starboard flank_," Miriallia corrected.

"Lieutenant-Commander La Flaga, how're you doing?" I asked.

"_Well, I found the Duel Assault Shroud _and_ the Buster. They're on top of the _Lesseps_ and they aren't moving. The Duel doesn't even have its launcher pack attached to it._"

"Why wouldn't they?" I wondered aloud. Maybe it was adrenaline, or just enough time with Kira, but I quickly realized a potential answer. "You think Waltfeld doesn't have the tech to recharge the Duel's launcher?"

"_It's possible, and right now I'll take it_," La Flaga replied. "_I can't get in very close though. Both the Duel and the Buster are putting up heavy flak. I need some help._"

The worrisome part of this whole deal was that La Flaga hadn't brought up the Aegis at all. That meant it had launched and was lurking around somewhere, waiting to attack when the time was right. Was Waltfeld planning some kind of ambush?

As I approached the two remaining BuCUE, I knew I had to voice it _now_. "Captain Ramius, I think they might be setting an ambush. The Aegis is not by La Flaga which means it's lying in wait somewhere."

"_We have no choice, Ensign,_" Murrue replied. "_If there's an ambush we need to plow right through it. Just finish off the BuCUEs_."

"I'm already on it," I said, right before I divebombed the next BuCUE in line. It saw me and jumped out of the way, but I quickly repositioned myself, and after having my shield eat a shot from its laser, I returned fire and blew a hole in the midsection. It collapsed and exploded.

The other BuCUE wasn't going to go down the way its partners did. It was moving quickly, almost in a circular pattern, trying to keep ahead of my machine and its targeting. I had to hide the Strike behind the shield before the Phase Shift could take too many blows, but even that was a stalling tactic that wasn't going to work for too long.

Suddenly, explosions erupted all over the northwest corner of my screen, right by the _Archangel_. "Murru-uh, Captain Ramius! What's going on?"

Miriallia, sounding extremely panicked. "_Cagalli, we have a minefield_!"

Murrue spoke up next. "_Desert Dawn ran right into a minefield. They can't move forward, and we're caught on something! We can't move either!_"

A brief pause. "_Ensign, we have the _Henry Carter_ coming right at us! And the Aegis is on radar! It's coming right for us!_"

Ambush. Just as I had thought. But it was worse than that. Waltfeld had put one of his three ships directly in front of the _Archangel_, and while it wasn't quite point-blank, it was damn close. The minefield and whatever was restraining the _Archangel_ meant that the _Archangel _couldn't move without receiving heavy damage to the engines that allowed it to hover in the air. And, as the coup de grace, there was Athrun, who was completely mobile, and ready to dive-bomb the bridge and end the fight as quickly as it had started.

There was no time to waste. I took my shield and chucked it right at the last BuCUE, and I cleaved it right in half. I had no time to go and fetch my shield, or even register what I had just done. All I could do was take off and charge right for the Aegis' position. I knew that if Athrun was on my sensors, I was on his. He had to know it was me.

The Aegis changed direction away from the _Archangel _in the next few seconds, and I immediately got a hail on the public channel. Yep, Athrun knew I was here. And I knew why he was hailing me too. He was going to try yet again to make me switch sides.

I had many too many promises to too many people to take him up on it. I wasn't even going to deal with that right now. I was going to rebuff him and just shoot him down, and let the battlefield chaos sort everything out from there. I was sure Athrun would have plenty of time to catch up with me while he was stuck in the brig.

"_Cagalli?_" was the first thing I heard him say.

"Athrun?" I immediately realized what a big mistake that was to say, so I quickly shook it off to get to my point.

"Look, Athrun, I'm glad you survived our fall through the Earth's atmosphere too. What you did to save me means a lot. Really."

No response. I wasn't sure how to interpret that. Athrun usually answered.

"But it's just like I told you before! I have people onboard the _Archangel _that I have to protect! I am not going to join with you no matter what you say!"

Athrun finally responded. His voice was soft but strong. "_I know._"

"Huh?" I'll admit, not my smartest response, but the only one I could come up with.

"_The only way to save you is to defeat you._"

"Athrun?" The realization slowly began to hit me that Athrun was every bit of determined to shoot me down as I was to shoot _him_ down. And it sent a chill down my spine.

"_I'm sorry_."

Suddenly, this colossal wave of light came charging right at me and I barely got out of the way in time. Crying out both from fright and exertion, I forced myself to keep from plowing into the sand as I tried to get some kind of angle on the Aegis.

Athrun began ranting then, his voice edgy and shaky. "_You've given me no choice, Cagalli! There's too much at stake here now!"_

I tried to shoot him, but he was just too fast. It didn't help that what he had said was completely, utterly confusing.

"What the hell are you talking about? "

"_It doesn't matter! You've made it pretty clear that my words don't matter!_"

Wonderful. I had pissed him off.

As that lovely thought crossed through my mind, another shot from his cannon came right at me, and I had to halt the Strike in mid-air and stall it in order for the shot to fly right in front of me. Of course, halting the Strike means that I have a zillion tons immediately falling right to Earth, and I barely managed to take back off and keep from crash-landing.

"Athrun, you almost hit me there! You mean it, don't you?" It was hard to believe. Athrun was actually attacking me with the intention to shoot me down. That had never happened before in all of our previous fights. And he sounded desperate. _Really _desperate.

"_You told me it yourself, in the park when we were kids, that I can't just sit around and feel sorry for myself. That I have to take action._"

I knew what he was talking about. That was the day before he kissed me. He had gotten some serious bullying over his long hair that day, and had been in tears, and I had been trying to motivate him. I had not known that I had inadvertently motivated him to kiss me. Who knew that telling Athrun to get off his ass and do something about his situation would result in my first kiss? Really, who would?

Athrun still. "_Well, I'm taking action right now, Cagalli! I'm sorry but there's no other choice!_"

He was looping right for me. No time to dodge. I was bracing myself for the inevitable collision. "Of course, _now _you finally grow a backbone," I growled as I tried to draw the beam sword in time.

No dice. He slammed right into me and drove me back several feet. I tried to use the Strike's hands to pry the vise-like grip the Aegis had with its claws, but I wasn't making any kind of progress. He had grabbed me right below the cockpit, around the Strike's torso, and I could tell there was nothing I could do to get free.

"_I won't let you die here! Not like this, not here, not _anywhere!"

_Dammit, Athrun_, I thought. _Don't even start with this right now. Please_.

"_You can't escape the Aegis when it's wrapped around you! The war ends for you right here!_"

It was right then when I noticed the cannon was beginning to charge, and when it opened fire, it would be right at my mid-section.

"Athrun!" I cried in alarm, in surprise, in fear. I couldn't believe it. He was really trying to destroy the Strike. He finally had summoned the courage to do it. To destroy this machine and knock me out of the war by force.

"_It's over. Forgive me, Cagalli,_" he said.

The cannon in the Aegis' midsection looked fully charged. It could shoot any second and annihiliate the Strike and end the war. So surreal.

"_I'm going to shoot the Scylla now!_" Athrun shouted. "_It's aimed at your waist, below the cockpit. The Strike will be blown in half but you'll survive._"

He was really going to do it. I could hear it in his voice. How long had he been psyching himself up to seriously try to shoot me down? What had given him the final push to go all-out on me?

"You can't mean this!" I shouted as I continued to try to pry the Aegis off of me in desperation. I wasn't making a lot of progress. The Aegis' grip was strong. Really strong.

I heard Miriallia. "_Cagalli, we just had a stolen Skygrasper launch out of the bay! It's coming right at you! Watch yourself, it's-_"

"Not now, Miri, I'm trying not to get a hole blasted through me," I growled back to Miriallia, but Athrun, as if he hadn't heard a thing, continued to rant at me.

"_Too much is riding on this, Cagalli! More than you know!_"

My intelligent response again. "Huh?"

But Athrun was through with words, through with talking, through with convincing me. He was going to bring me back to ZAFT and the PLANTs by force. "_See you soon, Cagalli_."

He was going to fire. He really was. There was no way for him to miss. Nothing.

But just as he was about to fire, came a flurry of missiles from my left, Athrun's right, where the _Archangel _was still struggling to progress.

I realized it was the second Skygrasper, and so did Athrun.

Athrun immediately let go of me and tried to blast off, but the missiles slammed into the Aegis just a few seconds later, before he could try any emergency maneuvers.

Athrun's cries as he was hit made it feel like my heart was taking a fist to it, and I realized right then and there that once again, Athrun had protected me. Those missiles could have hit me as well, at least from the explosion range, or, more sinisterly, Athrun could have tried to turn me into the missiles so I would become a shield.

But he had done neither. He had taken the path that would result in the most damage to him and the least to me.

"Athrun!" I couldn't help but cry.

The Aegis was smoking. Immediately, the Aegis blasted away from me, and Athrun would not answer. I yelled his name again, and there was still no answer. But at least he was still alive. If he was dead the Aegis would've crashed into the ground.

I switched back to the encrypted channel. "The Aegis was hit by the stolen Skygrasper, he's withdrawing. Miri, what's going on?"

"_We can't get free!_" Miriallia wailed in response.

I flew in the _Archangel_'s direction and saw that it was leaning in a peculiar way right next to the old factory. I realized immediately that this was yet another part of Waltfeld's trap. I couldn't see what had ensnared the_Archangel_, but it was enough to keep the _Archangel _from moving. And the ship was rapidly becoming surrounded, all three ships were rapidly closing in.

I had half of my power left, and no shield. I knew I had to do _something_, though.

Why wasn't the stolen Skygrasper operator responding? I sent out a generic hail towards the stolen Skygrasper. I was going to need this person's help in order to protect the _Archangel_.

When the channel opened up, I breathed a sigh of relief, and then got to work. "Skygrasper 2, identify yourself. This is Ensign Cagalli Yamato in the Strike GUNDAM."

A soft chuckle confirmed the person's identity before any words were said, and it made my heart pound as the person spoke. "_Seaman Second Class Flay Allster_."

_Dammit, Flay. _My worst nightmare, my ultimate unintended consequence of shoving Flay into the Skygrasper simulator. It had come to life.

Wait a minute, this shouldn't have even been possible in the first place. "How the heck did you escape from the brig?"

"_We lost power briefly when the _Archangel_ was caught,_" Flay replied. "_I escaped then. I have a pressure suit on so I can take the G forces. Just tell me what to do, Cagalli._"

Natarle Badgiruel. spoke before I could. "_Land the Skygrasper immediately, Seaman Allster! You are not authorized to fly that Mobile Armor! You are facing a-_"

Murrue. "_Natarle, enough. Seaman Allster, follow my orders to the letter or I will let the lieutenant-commander have her way with you. Clear?_"

A pause. Then a soft "_Clear_."

"_Good,_" Murrue said. "_Lieutenant-Commander La Flaga is trying to keep the _Lesseps_ from attacking us point blank. The _Henry Carter_ is directly in front of us, and we're stuck on something. Ensign Yamato, engage the _Carter_. Seaman Allster, cut us loose and then engage the Carter as well._"

Something beeped on my sensors. "What if Waltfeld is attacking us? I have a command-type BuCUE approaching, it must be his LaGOWE."

"_Waltfeld gets priority over the _Carter_, Ensign. Engage him. Allster, your orders are unchanged._"

"You got it, ma'am." I blasted right towards the command-type BuCUE, and I saw it within seconds. It was bright orange, and seemed highly advanced, almost prideful, in its appearance. I left the _Henry Carter_ alone, and the ship seemed content in letting me go as it engaged the _Archangel _directly.

As much as I wanted to worry about Flay, and what path I had put her on, I knew I had to concentrate on one thing and one thing only: fighting Waltfeld. I didn't have much time to beat him, not when my power was already getting low.

There was the LaGOWE, its twin saber in its mouth. I reactivated the public channel. "I assume we're having a duel of some kind considering the _Henry Carter _isn't trying to kill me."

I heard Andrew Waltfeld laugh. "_The truth is that the _Archangel_ is keeping the _Carter_'s hands full, Ensign Cagalli Yamato. But that's fine. I want it this way._"

"Is that why the Duel hasn't attacked?"

Another chuckle. "_I warned her that I didn't have the equipment to recharge that specialized pack she brought with her, and she wasted it attacking you outside the ruins of Tassil. That's all there is to it, kid. Again, you assume I am bound by some code of medieval honor when the truth is merely circumstances._"

Missile flurry, coming my direction. I forced myself to zigzag out of their way, and tried to get an angle on Waltfeld. The LaGOWE was surprisingly quick, quicker than the BuCUEs, and I was having a rough time trying to get the edge.

"I think we have the upper hand, Waltfeld," I said. "Are you sure you don't want to surrender?"

"_The battle isn't over with_!" Waltfeld replied. "_Never assume you've won the battle! After what you did with my BuCUEs and to the Aegis, I doubt you have much power left anyway! All I have to do is outlast you!_"

He had a point. My power was down to about forty percent at that point, and it was going down with each shot I fired at the LaGOWE. I had to end this and quickly before I ran out of power, or Phase Shift, or both.

I could hear Aisha chuckling as we continued to charge around each other, trading fire. "_You're not bad!_"

The sensors were going crazy around the _Henry Carter_'s location. I heard Flay laughing on the com. "_That's right! That's right! How does it feel to be the ones terrified and helpless, huh? Now you know how my daddy felt when he died! No, now you know how I feel! How I feel every single damn day!_"

Waltfeld sighed, and I realized he had heard Flay's rant. She probably wasn't tuned to the public channel, but I was. So I, and Waltfeld by extension, could hear her, but Flay probably couldn't hear Waltfeld. "_Sounds like you have another Asta Joule in your midst._"

Again with the pilot of the Duel Assault Shroud. "How does this have to matter with anything, Waltfeld?"

"_Her hatred will burn her out from the inside. She will become a symptom of this war and its harshest motivations unless you do something, kid . . . assuming you survive this battle of course._"

"If you're so critical about this war, why are you fighting me? Why are you risking your life? Answer me that!"

"_It's my duty! In war, you fire at the enemy no matter who he or she is! There can be no hesitation!_"

So, Waltfeld's "duty" was going to decide whether my friends, whether Elle, would live or die.

I knew that I had no choice.

"I guess this means that I have to kill you now," I said.

Waltfeld chuckled. "_Feeling's mutual, kid_."

I discarded the beam rifle. I was down to a quarter of my power left. I drew the beam sword, and here came Waltfeld, charging in.

Missile barrage coming from right in front of me. I immediately activated the thrusters and sent the Strike high into the air, as massive explosions erupted directly underneath, blowing up much of the sand. I moved the Strike forward, and then immediately plunged down.

Waltfeld saw it coming. He immediately got out of the way and I crashed into sand, causing a sand plume to erupt in my spot and temporarily blind my vision. I doubled back, trying to get out of it, when suddenly the LaGOWE lunged right at me, leaping in the air as part of its twin saber aimed for my cockpit.

In desperation, I sliced upwards.

I cleaved a gaping hole in the underside of the LaGOWE and, using my beam sword's momentum, I sent it crashing into the sand in a heap.

It sparked several times, and then died. All of it. The twin saber vanished, as did the glowing red eye on the LaGOWE's head. It was like roadkill at the side of the road, motionless, silent. Pointless.

I walked over to the fallen LaGOWE, and I switched my channel back to exclusively the _Archangel_. The battle was going well. The Duel and Buster were forced to abandon the _Lesseps_, or had chosen to, and now were floundering in the desert. La Flaga was causing a lot of damage, and so had Flay after she had freed the _Archangel_ from whatever had ensnared it. She still had not been shot down, and she was racking up the kills, mostly picking on the helicopters and the archaic Mobile Suits on top of the _Henry Carter_.

We were going to win.

Still no sign of Waltfeld or his lover Aisha. I marched right next to the fallen LaGOWE, and nothing was moving. I wondered if I had killed them.

The thought was unnerving. Although they hadn't saved my life in the same dramatic way Athrun had, Aisha had disarmed Asta Joule and prevented my death. And she was operating under Waltfeld's orders, making him my indirect savior as well. And this is how I repaid them? By killing them?

Battlefield or no battlefield, that just seemed horrifically wrong.

I switched off the Strike and lowered myself down on a hook, my pistol in my free hand as I got on the ground and ran towards the fallen, cracked LaGOWE.

Was this a preview of the end with Athrun? Where I would have no choice but to attack him this way? That I would have to risk killing him? Back up in space, when Athrun had just seemed to be like a stalker, the choice seemed easy. But down here, nowhere even close.

When I reached the fissure I had left in the LaGOWE, I could hear Aisha's soft, mildly husky voice. "Andy. Andy."

It was a lament, full of emotional pain, not physical pain. I crawled my way inside, and I saw Waltfeld's two-person cockpit, and there was Aisha, kneeling in front of Waltfeld, a sizable shard of metal or something else in Waltfeld's left leg.

He saw me, and managed a weak smile. "Not bad, kid."

Aisha spun around. "Cagalli."

I raised my pistol. "As of right now, you're both my prisoners."

Aisha stared at me, and then Waltfeld just chuckled. "Kid, it's just gonna be Aisha."

"Andy!" Aisha exclaimed.

"You know as well as I do that I've had an artery cut," Waltfeld said. "Nothing is going to save me."

I walked closer to where Aisha was kneeling, and where Waltfeld was sitting, and I could see dark liquid around where the metal shard had embedded in Waltfeld's leg. It looked like the cockpit had partically caved in, and the way the LaGOWE had crashed, along with the damage from the Strike, had caused the cockpit to invert itself, it was facing the rest of the LaGOWE's body.

Waltfeld groaned as he tried to straighten up in his seat. "Kid, I've already issued my forces the order to retreat . . . what you need to do is get Aisha out of here. Get her somewhere safe. She's had enough violence."

"Andy, don't say that! Please!" Aisha pleaded.

"Aisha, don't be stupid!" Waltfeld replied. "I won't let you die out here. It's better that your life is on hold than it being permanently over."

"Andy . . ." Aisha threw off her helmet, revealing her long hair in a bun, and she held Waltfeld's hands. "Andy, I . . . I'll do it . . . okay?"

"You . . . promise?" Waltfeld asked.

"Yes, of course. Of course I promise, Andy," Aisha replied.

She was starting to cry. "I love you."

"I know." Waltfeld was fading, his head was beginning to dip to the side, and his breathing was getting shallower.

"Goodbye," Aisha managed through her choked up voice, and she kissed Waltfeld on the mouth, still holding his hands. A couple of seconds later, Waltfeld's grip began to slack, and Aisha separated.

Tears pouring from her blue eyes, Aisha whispered "I love you. I always will."

Waltfeld did not respond.

It felt like to me like the man named "Wilson" I had killed in Tassil by shooting him with my pistol. It was one thing to kill pilots hiding inside gigantic machinery. But watching him die in front my eyes felt hollow and inhuman, like I had committed some savage act. Which I had. The was act was called murder.

Aisha whimpered a few times, and finally she let go of Waltfeld's slack hands. She raised her arms above her head. "T-The last thing that goes away . . . is people's hearing. He needed to hear me . . . one last time . . ."

"I didn't know that." Which was the truth. My path through college didn't involve many medical classes. "But I understand. Now please, I'm going to take you back to the _Archangel_. Don't force me to kill you too."

"I'm not breaking my promise to Andy," Aisha said through her tears, and then she walked back towards the gaping hole, and I followed her.

Some would think I would be feeling joy in what I had done. I had beaten a top-level ZAFT officer. Smashed his forces, sent them retreating in disarray, and killed the officer personally. I had struck a big blow in terms of ending the war and crippling ZAFT's forces.

But as I escorted Aisha out of the fallen LaGOWE, and directed her with my free hand towards the Strike, I didn't feel any sense of victory or jubiliation.

All I had done was do mercenary work for a rebel organization that ZAFT probably regarded as terrorists. That's all this was. Making matters worse, I had spoken with Waltfeld and Aisha. They had saved me from Asta Joule. I had gotten to know them both. And this was their reward for it all. Waltfeld was dead, and I had just made Aisha a P.O.W.

Something was not right with this picture.

But it made me feel like crying too. All this reminded me was that there were people inside all of the metal contraptions I had destroyed since Heliopolis. People who had lovers and families, all of whom would be broken forever because of me.

And Aisha was the first one I had not killed out of the people I had shot down. And she was still Waltfeld's lover or girlfriend or something, and she had to watch Waltfeld slowly die in front of her eyes.

What a horrific survival rate.

What a horrific war.

Athrun . . . there was no way I was going to beat him without killing him, was there? The chances were just too low.

And then I would just be like Aisha, crying in plain view but in reality all alone because there would be no one who would understand.

It made me realize something I had never thought about before.

All I had done was think about how I suffered from the war, and how I could not escape it. Even when thinking of Flay, Sai, or others that were struggling, it all revolved around me, from my perspective, from what I had done or not done. Not from their own perspectives or how their choices had resulted in their own suffering.

The truth was that war is this pandemic that affects every single person that's caught in it.

War is inescapable for everyone, no matter who is caught in it.

* * *

I remember saying at the beginning of this fic that Cagalli's personality alone would alter serious events. Unlike Kira, who tried desperately to avoid killing Waltfeld, Cagalli grimly accepted what she had to do and went ahead and did it. Waltfeld is dead.

If you've watched Gundam SEED, this means major ramifications for the second half of the story.

Things are only going to break more from the original story from here. Enjoy the ride.


	38. Winds of Change

This one's coming out a little early because I can't guarantee being able to post it tomorrow. So I'm posting it now.

I have avoided editing the TVTropes entry for this fic (I think it's insanely cool that it has one tho XD) because I don't feel it's right for the writer of the story to edit such a page, but I did make a subtle change. I just moved the "Take That Scrappy" entry to the YMMV tab where it belongs. Don't expect me to alter anything again unless something like that occurs again.

Anyway, enjoy. The separation between SEED and this fic continues,

* * *

**Chapter Thirty-Eight: Winds of Change**

I had beaten Waltfeld with enough power to take the Strike and fly it back to the _Archangel_. Aisha sat coolly by my side, and made no moves, and didn't say a word to me. She didn't need to. I knew how she felt. I had killed the person she loved, after all.

The temptation to try to kill me had to be pretty strong. Maybe that's why Waltfeld had said what he said. So Aisha wouldn't pull a stunt that would involve her own self-destruction. I didn't know if Aisha was the type of person to do such a thing, but a grieving person is capable of things they normally wouldn't do. Desperate, self-destructive things.

I couldn't come up with anything to say to her either. There was nothing that would alleviate her pain. Not from the person who had killed Andrew Waltfeld.

I only felt a wave of relief when I finally docked the Strike inside the _Archangel_, and a few guards came and led a still-silent Aisha away. It occurred to me that I didn't even know Aisha's last name, or whether she was even engaged or married to Andrew Waltfeld. Who knew how deep the connection could go?

I thought about just resting inside the Strike cockpit for a while, but I knew I couldn't do that. I needed to go inside the ship. It would be much more comfortable sleeping in my bunk than in here. I took my helmet off and walked outside, giving one last look at Aisha as she walked down the stairway towards ground floor, still being cooperative, but not giving her newfound captors any more attention than necessary.

Damn it, what had I done? It just didn't feel right. None of this. No wonder so many people can't take war. Not only the feeling of being killed, but knowing that you were murdering people just like you.

"Cagalli!" Kira shouted from behind me.

I turned around and saw him. He was gleaming brightly, and I knew why. I had to smile for him, as hollow as I felt. "Hi. Your advice worked well."

"Yeah, it did! I can't believe it, you did so great out there!" Kira peered inside the cockpit excitedly as he spoke, and then came back out. "Seriously, you were incredible out there! I mean, we're going to need to fish the shield out of the sands, but otherwise . . ."

"Thank you," I said.

Kira's smile faded just a bit. "I forgot. You got to know Andrew Waltfeld."

"He was an enemy, Kira, and he had to die. If he survived, you would probably be dead or captured right about now," I replied.

Kira's face finally fell completely. "I know. You have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. I'm sorry."

"No, you have every right to be happy. This stupid desert campaign is finally over. I killed the Desert Tiger. Now we can finally go home," I replied.

Kira scratched the back of his head and had an awkward expression on his face. That bugged me. "What?" I asked.

"Well, we gotta cross the Red Sea _and_ the Indian Ocean _and _pass by ZAFT's Carpentaria Base which is located in Australia. All before we make it to Orb waters. We're about three weeks away from home, Cagalli," Kira replied.

"Yeah. And the 'ZAFT Carpentaria Base' part doesn't sound too good," I replied.

"No. Even if we avoid battle in the Red Sea and Indian Ocean I bet that ZAFT will try to intercept us somewhere after the Strait of Malacca in Indonesia," Kira replied.

"Then I guess I'll enjoy the peace and quiet while I still can," I said, as I noticed that Flay's stolen Skygrasper was in the hangar. In fact, she had landed before I had, but it looked like she was still in the Skygrasper unit.

"What's up with Flay?" I asked.

"She'll probably disturb the peace and quiet before it even starts," Kira replied.

I glared at him.

Kira awkwardly chuckled. "Well . . . I think she's scared to come out, y'know . . . plus Murdoch is _really _embarrassed that he let Flay barge in here and take the Skygrasper on him too. Nobody's happy with Flay even though she brought it home intact."

"Yeah, I know. Badgiruel's going to have Flay's head," I replied. "C'mon. Let's see if Flay's gone crazy or not."

"You really think so?" Kira asked as he followed me.

"No, but I doubt she's doing well. You didn't hear the stuff she was spewing during the battle," I replied as I went towards the stairs. "She was venting. A lot."

"Oh boy," Kira sighed as he followed me to ground level.

We walked over to the Skygrasper. Yup, Flay was still in there. She had her helmet off and her eyes closed, as if she was sleeping or meditating.

Well, it was better than her laughing insanely or making some kind of creepy facial expression.

You can probably tell I wasn't asking for a whole lot.

"Do we dare open the cockpit from the outside?" Kira asked.

"It's not like she's been demonically possessed or anything," I replied.

"Yeah, but Skygraspers have a pistol inside. She could freak out and pull it on us," Kira replied.

"I highly doubt Flay's that far gone," I replied.

It was then that the cockpit's seal vanished with a hiss, and then a thin buzzing noise as a motor opened the canopy. Flay took her helmet off as the canopy opened completely, and she turned to look at us. Her face was impassive. "Cagalli. Prince Kira."

"Uh, hi," Kira managed with a nervous little smile on his face.

"I did it," she said, opening and closing her right fist. "I did it. I killed them. Killed the Coordinators. Avenged my daddy."

Tears began forming in her eyes. "Do you think . . . Daddy would be proud of me? Daddy would, right? I'm stronger, I fought his enemies, I killed them, you know? But then . . . then he . . . sent me to Orb . . . so I wouldn't fight . . . so . . . maybe he's angry wherever he is now. Maybe he hates me."

She put her hands to her face. "What have I done? Oh my God, what have I done? Daddy, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Flay's fall from emotionless to a total sobbing wreck was stunning to watch, and I found myself struggling for words. Just like with Waltfeld, all I could feel was responsibility for this. This was my fault. Flay's emotional damage was hers and hers alone, but I had turned her towards this path. I had put her in the simulator, and she had learned how to fly, how to kill.

I had sorely underestimated this girl in every way possible.

I slowly reached my hand out, ready to withdraw at the first indication that Flay would lash out. When she didn't seem to pay me any attention, I slowly placed my hand on her right shoulder. "Flay."

Her head didn't turn towards me, but her hands moved away from her eyes, and they looked right at me. "What do _you _want?"

My throat felt constricted. I truly had no idea what to say. I started to talk anyway, hoping I could improvise something out of thin air. "Flay, I-"

It didn't matter. "Why don't I feel better, Cagalli? Why don't I? I don't feel better at all! Just worse. All I feel is _worse_!"

Every response I thought of sounded worse and worse. All it would do would stun her, enrage her, drive her further into despair. And it would be because of me. Because I was the one ultimately responsible for this. I made her go into the Skygrasper.

"It's my fault," I finally said. "I did this to you. I put you into the Skygrasper simulator and started all of this."

A new voice from behind. "God damn it, Ensign! Enough with your guilt! You may have put her in the simulator but it was Seaman Allster's choice to do what she did afterwards!"

It was Natarle Badgiruel. Kira slowly, nervously, backed away as Natarle approached the Skygrasper. "And now, I need you to step away. Seaman Allster stole military equipment she was not qualified to operate. You know the term 'throw the book at you'? That's what Allster qualifies for after this stunt."

"B-But-"

"Step away. Now," Badgiruel said.

She meant it. I looked from her, and back to Flay, who looked like she was going to fall into pieces from both terror and despair.

What Badgiruel had said made sense. It _was _Flay's choice. But, I still was the one who put her on the path to make her choices. I couldn't help but feel but somehow this was ultimately my fault and something I had to own up to.

So I moved myself inbetween Badgiruel and Flay.

Kira's eyes widened. "Cagalli, please."

"I can't, Kira. I just can't sit here and let Flay be punished for something I ultimately pushed her to do. If she's going to be punished, I'll be punished with her."

Badgiruel's eyes narrowed, but before she could speak I heard Murrue's voice in the distance, breathless. "Stop, all of you, stop!"

"Captain Ramius," Badgiruel said, clearly surprised.

It looked like Ramius had run the whole way from the bridge. "We're settling this in the officer's room, Natarle. All of it. Now, _2nd Lieutenant _Yamato, step out of Lieutenant-Commander Badgiruel's way. That's an direct order."

"Wait, what?" I asked.

"You defeated the commander of the ZAFT forces in this theater, I think it warrants a battlefield promotion," Murrue replied. "But you need to follow orders. All five of us are going into the officer's room to settle this. You, Lieutenant-Commander La Flaga, Lieutenant-Commander Badgiruel and Seaman Second Class Allster. I will not tolerate rogue behavior of any kind, whether it's from you, 2nd Lieutenant, you, Seaman Allster, or _you_, Natarle. That's something all three of you are guilty of, and you all must see that."

Silence was all that greeted Murrue's remarks.

"Now come on. The sooner we get this settled, the sooner we can make preparations to depart. I'd like to leave within two or three days if we can manage it," Murrue said.

I didn't see any reason to argue with her, so I walked away from the Skygrasper. Badgiruel gave me a glare, but nothing other than that other than a scoff. She had calmed down enough to not lash out at me any further, probably because she knew she was just as guilty of rogue behavior as the rest of us.

As I began following Badgiruel and Murrue, I felt hands on my back. It took me a moment to realize they were Flay's, as she made a sort of weird half-hug. "Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you."

"Y-Yeah," I said. But it didn't make me feel any better, not even after getting a "good luck" nod from Kira as I left him in the hangar.

I could not help but feel that everything that had transpired was directly because of me. Like I was the root cause of everything that had gone wrong onboard this ship.

Like it truly was all my fault.

* * *

"Lieutenant-Commander Badgiruel is absolutely right that the book can be thrown at you for what you did, Seaman Second Class Allster," Murrue said as we were all sitting down at the table in the officer's room. "What you did constituted theft of military property, but also breaking out of the brig, which technically made you a fugitive as well."

"When the power went out, I thought we were all gonna die, so I made a break for it," Flay replied, her head down, her hands twitching and fidgeting. "When the power came back on, I was out of my cell, and the guards were disoriented, so I ran past them and ran straight to the hangar. I knew that there was some big battle going on. I could tell from what I was hearing all around me, and when I saw the second Skygrasper, fully-equipped and ready to go, I . . ."

She sighed and looked Murrue right in the eye. "I knew I could fly it. I knew I could fight them. All I could think about was what happened to my daddy in space and that happening again right here! That's why I suited up! That's why I took the Skygrasper! I didn't want my daddy's death to happen all over again!"

Flay sniffed and moaned as she tried desperately to keep from falling into a sobbing mess right in front of Murrue. I knew this was no act. Flay's emotion was real. Far too real.

Murrue folded her hands in front of her. "I understand your motivations. And . . ."

She took a long time to think. All of us stared at her intently. "My inclination is to throw you right back into the brig, because honestly the ends do not justify your means, Seaman Allster. But . . . I saw what you did out there. You helped turn the tide against the Tiger in that battle by your mere presence."

Murrue sighed again. "I am giving you a conditional battlefield commission, _Ensign _Flay Allster."

Flay gasped in surprise.

Mu looked dumbstruck.

I probably looked the same because I sure felt that way. I had never expected Murrue to give Flay so much slack, not in a million years.

Badgiruel's mouth fell open and was the only one who could speak. "_What_?"

Murrue held up her hand before Badgiruel could speak. "But I mean _conditional_, Ensign Allster. You are to follow your orders, to the letter, from your superior officers without question. That is part of the reason why I promoted 2nd Lieutenant Yamato, she is your superior officer now in addition to the three of us. If she gives you orders, you will follow them, just like you would from the three of us."

"I . . . I understand," Flay managed, her lips trembling, her eyes still wide in shock.

"If you disobey orders for any reason or you demonstrate poor behavior of any kind, your commission will be revoked, you will be busted all the way down to Seaman 2nd Class, you will _not _leave the brig and Lieutenant-Commander Badgiruel will be permitted to do what she feels is right regarding you," Murrue said. "Clear?"

"Clear," Flay said.

"Captain Ramius, I feel that this is a _huge _mistake," Badgiruel said, her eyes as wide as dinner plates.

"Your objection is noted, and like I said I agree with you on Ensign Allster's conduct. But the fact of the matter is that _we need pilots_," Murrue said.

"Even if Allster was a model soldier, she still hasn't completed the Skygrasper simulator. She only has _one _'A' ranking in a row," Badgiruel replied.

"We are going to leave the desert and go across the Indian Ocean and likely battle more than one ZAFT unit on our way to Orb," Murrue said. "La Flaga and Yamato can't do this alone. If Allster can reform her act, and consistently give us results like she did just hours ago, we will be in a much better position."

La Flaga scratched the back of his head. "I guess once we set off for the Red Sea I can begin training her. The simulator's busted anyway after what that Argyle kid did to it, we aren't getting any other pilot trainees until we can get it fixed. _If _we can get it fixed."

"You're _all _buying into this, aren't you?" Badgiruel moaned as she facepalmed.

"I won't screw up," Flay said, her voice shaky. "I won't. I promise."

"Good, because like I said, Lieutenant-Commander Badgiruel will have free reign with punishing you," Murrue replied.

"I won't disobey orders, ma'am. I won't. I won't mouth off, or whatever else. I just . . . I just don't want to be locked up anymore. I want to _do _something," Flay said. Her arms were visibly trembling, and I wanted to place a hand on her shoulder to calm her down.

"And you have your chance," Murrue said. "Please stand while I walk over to you."

Flay did so, as Murrue walked around the table. Murrue pinned a pair of yellow stripes on Flay's collar. "Here you go. Just remember your newfound responsibility, Ensign."

"Y-Yes . . ." Flay seemed to be completely frozen in time for just a few seconds, then, like she had returned to our plane of existence, managed a "Ma'am."

Murrue turned to me. "Normally, your promotion to 2nd Lieutenant means you'll get a white uniform like the three of us. But we don't have any other white officers' uniforms onboard. Unless you want to stick with the Atlantic Federation, you're stuck with your current uniform and you'll just receive a pair of silver bars. We _do_have those laying around."

"That's okay. I don't care that my uniform is still purple," I said.

Murrue smiled. "Sounds good, Lieutenant. Now you and Ensign Allster are dismissed."

"Actually, I have one more question," I said.

"Yes?" Murrue asked.

"There's a young man who was badly hurt by the people who captured me," I said. "I just want permission to leave the ship to tell him goodbye."

Murrue smiled. "That sounds acceptable to me. And would make a good first assignment for _you_, Ensign Allster. Protect 2nd Lieutenant Yamato while she gives her farewells."

"Uh, yes, ma'am," Flay replied.

"Good. Get to it immediately. The sooner you two are finished and back inside the ship, the better," Murrue said.

"We're on it, ma'am," I said, and the two of us left.

* * *

"We have the nicest captain in the world," Flay said as we walked outside. "I thought she was going to kill me, and after she killed me Daddy would kill me in heaven or wherever we go when we die."

This reminded me of that peculiar conversation with Ahmed after leaving Tassil. Not the same subject, but it was kinda eerie in its similarities. "How can you be killed if you're already dead?"

"I dunno. Maybe there's an after-afterlife," Flay said.

"That's a new concept," I said. The Desert Dawn camp was already in the phase of being dismantled, and the various stuff the _Archangel _crew had strewn about this place was being packaged up and being moved into the ship. It looked like some supplies were also being moved onto the ship, probably food and other provisions that we would need.

"I thought it was all over," Flay said. "All over. And instead I have an officer's stripes and she is even letting me carry a gun. Why? Why does it feel like I'm being rewarded for doing something wrong?"

"She's not rewarding you," I said. "Trust me. All she's done is put a crapload of responsibility on you. You've been empowered, sure, but you could lose it all in an instant. She told you so."

Flay bit her lip and didn't say anything more about the subject. Instead, she changed it. "Why do we need to say goodbye to this 'Ahmed' person, anyway? Isn't he the guy who opened his mouth and got you captured by the Blue Cosmos people in the first place?"

"I just wanted to show him that I'm okay," I replied. "That we're all okay. He helped me get out of Tassil, he was with me to meet Waltfeld. In a way, he's been with me ever since I got stuck in this desert. I think I should tell him goodbye."

"I see," Flay said softly. "You're not blaming him."

"There's no point. It all turned out well in the end," I replied.

"But you could've been killed."

"But I wasn't," I replied. "I'm not going to say anything more until we actually talk to Ahmed. You'll know why I feel this way then."

"O-kay," Flay said, clearly not convinced. But she didn't need to me. I knew I would convince her soon enough, and anyway she was still stunned by the recent turn of developments regarding her. It probably didn't seem real to her.

When I found Ahmed, he was conscious, though much of his body was either in bandages or casts. The rogue, Blue Cosmos-following soldiers had done a clear number to him. He even still needed an IV hooked up to him.

Only one eye, the right one, was exposed, the left eye was under a bandage. When Ahmed saw me, that right eye looked away from me. "Oh no."

"It's all right, Ahmed," I replied. "I just came here to tell you that I'm okay and I will be departing on the _Archangel_."

"It's my fault," Ahmed said softly. "I didn't make sure the coast was clear before I told Sahib. And I know you were really furious . . . Sahib was blustering about the way you snapped at him just an hour ago. He's kind of glad that you and the ship can depart now."

"Sahib's responsibility was to control his men," I replied. "The buck stops with him. If word did get out, his job was to make sure his men didn't do a self-destructive measure like that. Where they murder the person who gives them the best chance of victory and survival. He failed to do that, and it fell onto one of my superior officers to save me."

"So you forgive me?" Ahmed asked.

"Yes, I forgive you," I replied. "I just want to make sure you're all right before we leave. We have a lot of the more advanced medical technology, so if we need to leave anything behind for you to make sure you're okay, please let us know."

"I think I'm fine." Ahmed managed to smile. "I'm just glad that the Tiger's been beaten. Now all we have to do is take back our land, while ZAFT is reeling over the loss of their commander. I know I won't be participating in any more battles for a while, but . . ."

"But?" I asked.

"But I'm just glad we have hope finally. For so long, all we did was run and lose. But now . . . we can win. You gave us a chance to do that. Now we need to seize it and make the best out of it."

"I hope you will. Just don't die out here," I said.

"I don't think I will as long as I'm in these casts and bandages," Ahmed said. "By the time I'm back on my feet, this war will probably be over."

"I would hope so," I said. "I keep thinking that at some point it has to end."

"When it ends," Ahmed said, "I'm going to write about it. Write about all of the running, all of the ambushes, all of the great machines and robots deployed against us. How we, as mostly foot soldiers fought for survival until your ship and your GUNDAM came crashing down from the heavens and suddenly gave us a real shot to win. To give us freedom again. How one single ship changed the course of our cause and this war . . . and of course you, the girl who flew the GUNDAM machine that defeated the Tiger."

The thought of being used as an biographical piece felt both flattering and embarrassing, and it made me feel extremely awkward. "Thank you, Ahmed."

It gave me an idea though. "Maybe I'll do the same thing. About my ship's own journey."

"That would be amazing," Ahmed said. "I'd love to read about space, and what you guys did before you came to us . . . and what you people did after you left us."

"Yeah sure," I said. "Now I need to be going. Good luck, Ahmed."

"Good luck to you too, Cagalli." Ahmed held out his right arm, wrapped thickly in a cast, and I lightly shook it, careful to not squeeze too tightly or jerk his arm around. Ahmed, from his flat, semi-loopy tone, was high on painkillers, but if I did anything reckless he sure wouldn't feel that way for long.

Not a single grimace of pain came from his face as we shook hands.

* * *

When I returned to the ship, I thought about Ahmed. About how his optimism wasn't broken, and the ambition of what he wanted to do.

It's a hidden, forgotten story in this war. ZAFT didn't provide Waltfeld with the troops or machinery to decisively win the theater, other than the GUNDAMs and that was because of me. And Desert Dawn? When it is a worldwide war, a group like Dawn who isn't officially aligned with the Earth Alliance isn't going to make headlines. Somebody needed to write about them. Tell their story. Tell what they did during this war.

Was that our fate too? We were just one ship, a cutting-edge ship, natch, with a cutting-edge Mobile Suit onboard piloted by perhaps the one Coordinator willing to fight against ZAFT. That was a story. A big story. But compared to massive battles waging around the world and in space, it probably didn't matter a whole lot. A ship was a ship, a Mobile Suit was a Mobile Suit, and me was just . . . me.

And then there was Flay, who was seeming to change more and more, and show a deeper layer by the day.

Flay looked at me. "Now I see what you mean. Why you took responsibility for me even though I'm the one who did so many crazy things. You're looking at it from the big picture, as opposed to just the events by themselves."

"That's right," I said.

Flay chuckled softly. "You're so stubborn."

"I have to be. It's how I stay alive," I replied.

"I'm going to go and sleep forever," Flay said. "I'll just find one of the empty rooms somewhere on the ship."

"You sure you don't want to share a room?" I asked. "There's four beds in my room, but Elle almost always sleeps with me and Miriallia takes the top bunk above me. So that leaves two beds."

Flay shook her head. "I don't think anyone wants me to share a room with them. I'm crazy, remember?"

"Flay-"

"I think I want to be alone right now anyway," Flay said.

"Uh, all right. But let me know if you change your mind."

"I don't think I will. It's best for everybody that I'm alone," Flay said, almost mournfully. "No one's willing to be friends with me or even just say hi. Nobody visited me when I was thrown into the brig. All this shows is that I have no friends anymore. Maybe I never did."

Just when I thought Flay was mentally somewhere close to okay, this always seemed to happen. Self-loathing, strong emotion, a general sense of something being _off_. She was _not _okay.

"You shouldn't say that. What-"

"Cagalli, not right now. I just want to be alone." She started walking away, down a random corridor, but suddenly stopped after a few paces.

"You're seriously considering doing what Ahmed talked about, aren't you?" Flay asked. "Writing about our journey?"

"Yeah."

Flay sighed. "I thought so." Then she walked away.

What was _that _about? I couldn't guess what. Maybe she thought of writing her own account of what happened. But there was no way to know what she actually meant.

All I knew was that the more I got to know Flay, the more mysterious she became.

And as the mystery got deeper, the more I realized I didn't really know Flay at all.

And I still wasn't sure whether I wanted to.


	39. Broken Hearts, Torn Up Letters

**Chapter Thirty-Nine: Broken Hearts, Torn Up Letters, And The Story Of A Lonely Girl**

We left the desert in the middle of the next day. Murrue announced that the intention was indeed to try to make it to Orb to finally discharge and drop off the Orb citizens onboard before the remainder of the personnel take the _Archangel_ to the Alaska airbase. It was really nice for Murrue to do that, considering that we were virtually all enlisted in the Earth Forces at this point. She didn't _have _to let us go.

And me? I got a silver bar to pin on both of my collars, right on the yellow stripe. My reward for murder. While I felt a small amount of pride in getting the promotion at first, when I thought about what I had done to get it, the hollow feeling inside me just seemed to expand. It was like a whirlpool, a black hole, inside me, slowly sucking the rest of me down.

I was sick of it. Sick of the war, sick of the stress, sick of having to kill people.

The few times I saw Aisha, she was very calm and well-behaved in the brig. I was amazed in how she kept herself dignified, keeping herself presentable and pleasant no matter who came in to talk to her. She was a good person, I was glad I hadn't killed her too. But underneath the generic pleasantness, I knew she was hurting. And I didn't really hang around her, after all, I was responsible for where she was right now, and for the death of the man she loved. I knew she didn't want to see me. All it did was remind her of what happened even more.

Mu La Flaga took Flay and they began flying together around the _Archangel _for daily practice runs and mock dogfights, which La Flaga always won. The hope was that Flay, being schooled by one of the best pilots in the Earth Alliance, would be dramatically improved and be able to take on any ZAFT forces. Flay was just frustrated, I saw her break her helmet on her locker after one particularly brutal practice run. She was angry, and after her words from a few days before, I knew she felt lonely. But I couldn't come up with anything to really say to her that seemed remotely sympathetic. At least, anything that wouldn't accidentally hurt her feelings.

But mostly, I just felt restless. I wanted to be at Orb already. I wanted to be home. I wanted to be out of this war and return to my own life.

I knew Athrun was out there, ready to interfere. Where would they deploy him after what happened in North Africa? Would they keep him on our tail? Or would they put him elsewhere? Same with the other GUNDAM machines and their pilots.

You would think there would be other battles they could fight. And yet they seemed to collide with the _Archangel _over and over again.

I knew why. Me. Me and the Strike. But what made me so important that four GUNDAMs that could probably win ZAFT important battles all over various fronts needed to be sent after me? Who was I? And what was the full extent of the Strike's capabilities? What made me and the Strike worth it?

It haunted me those next few days.

It was a surprise, then, when Murrue announced that we were going to take rotating breaks while we were in the Indian Ocean.

"We've all been through a lot together," Murrue said. "It is probably difficult to believe, but it has been over a month since Heliopolis. While the Indian Ocean still has a significant ZAFT presence, I think that after the lengthy campaign we had in the desert, that we will take rotating breaks while in the Indian Ocean. We're not going to downgrade our alert status, but I think that R&R is frankly necessary for all of us."

She had a holographic display of the ship, and highlighted a few areas. "There's a few spots on the exterior of the _Archangel _that can work as observation decks. You can break here or anywhere in the ship. I know many of you have never been on Earth before or have never seen the ocean. If you want to have something unrelated to the war to take back home with you, now's the chance to experience it."

Natarle stepped in. "We've come up with a rotating break system. We're distributing copies of the list all over the ship, please look at it and memorize the dates and times so you know when you can take your R&R. Once we pass through the Strait of Malacca, the rest breaks will be over. We'll be too close to ZAFT's Carpentaria Base."

When I found out my first break was at the same time as my friends', I took the opportunity to join them on the top observation deck, Elle as usual tagging along beside me.

Tolle. "The air feels so good!"

Miriallia was smiling. "It does feel nice, doesn't it?"

Kuzzey. "The water looks deep."

"Duh, it's the ocean, of course it's gonna be deep!" Tolle replied.

"I've never been on Earth before," Kuzzey said defensively. "Much less have seen the ocean. I'm a little freaked out, okay?"

"The water _does _look deep," Elle said. "Looks like it can go down for miles and miles."

Kuzzey looked even sicker after hearing that. Somebody was afraid of falling into the drink.

"Should someone pretend to push Kuzzey or would that be going too far?" I asked.

Kuzzey responded to that by backing away from the railing and walking to the middle of the observation deck.

Tolle laughed. "Kuzzey, get a grip."

"I _am _getting a grip. By staying right here. Forever," Kuzzey replied.

"Geez," Miriallia sighed, and she looked down at the water. "Hard to believe there's so much water so close to the desert, isn't it?"

"Well, it _is _the Red Sea," Tolle replied. "I guess it's such a large body of water that no amount of sun can evaporate it all. Plus it's always getting water from the Indian Ocean or the Suez."

"Does it really matter how?" asked a voice from behind us.

I turned around. "Sai."

He still had a couple of bandages on his face, but in general his face looked like it was healing pretty well, though there was still some discoloration and obvious tenderness.

"We could've used you in the last battle, man," Tolle said. "We stuck some new guy in your spot and he totally panicked and couldn't figure out what he should be doing."

"Nice to know I'm important," Sai grumbled as he walked up to the railing.

He eyed me but didn't turn to look at me. "I find it kind of surprising you would be up here."

"Why?" I asked.

"Why are you here, Cagalli? Why are you still pretending that nothing has changed?"

"What are you talking about, Sai?" I asked. Elle moaned softly, and I realized I had begun squeezing her hand really tightly. Already, I was on the verge of blowing up, and I couldn't do that in front of Elle, or hurt her because of some immature, rash anger.

"He's just being a jerk," Miriallia said. "He says he thinks we're all keeping you at arm's length because of your thousand-yard stare. He's only been walking around for a day, I don't see how he knows anything."

Miriallia's words were probably meant for reassurance, but I heard that one specific part of her reply, and that resonated more than anything else. "Do I really have a thousand-yard stare, Miriallia?"

Miriallia blinked, and then her eyes widened, as if she had said something she shouldn't have said.

Tolle stepped in. "You . . . drift off a lot nowadays, Cagalli. You're not the same person you were before the desert. Before you came back."

I knew Elle was standing right next to me, hearing all of this. I wondered if she was thinking the same thing too, or whether she could comprehend it. "How am I different?"

"You act _depressed_, Cagalli. There's no other way to say it!" Miriallia replied.

"Depressed?" I asked, probably sounding like a dense moron in the process.

"Yes! You act like there's some part of you that isn't _here _anymore, Cagalli! Like maybe only seventy-five or eighty percent of you or something is here! Like you lost the rest or like it's elsewhere! You're always distant, your smiles look forced, you don't even crack a joke unless we practically force you to . . . you just don't act like our friend from Heliopolis anymore!"

The barrage from Miriallia was mind-numbing, but I knew she was right. All of it. She didn't even need to tell me, I knew I was different. I knew that Tassil had done something to me. No, it was more than just Tassil. It was the whole sequence, from the moment I killed Yzak to the moment Ahmed drove me to the _Archangel_. All of that, together, had changed me.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I don't know what you want me to do."

"You cry when you sleep," Elle said from beside me.

"I _what_?" I asked, turning to her.

Elle didn't look up at me. "You cry and keep saying you're sorry."

Hearing that was a total shock. I didn't remember my dreams, or if I did, only for a few seconds after I awoke, and I'd forget about them before long. Dreams, more than anything else, were ephemeral, practically mirages that were there one second and vanished the next.

I let go of Elle's hand, knowing full well there was no way I'd avoid clenching my fists. I wanted to blow up. Hearing all of this, all of this questioning and concern and horror, made me want to scream and collapse. Why? Why were they telling me this? Couldn't they understand? Why? Why wouldn't they understand?

"I have seen war from the ground level," I said. "I killed an enemy soldier with a gun. I saw Andrew Waltfeld bleed to death in front of me. I saw people die on both sides trying to capture me. And then there's everything else. All of the Mobile Suits I've destroyed. People were in all of them! How do you think that makes me feel?"

Nobody dared to respond.

"How do you think it makes me feel, knowing that people, who had loved ones, who had lived for who-knows-how-long, maybe even had kids of their own, were killed by me? People have to be told that some man or woman, who could be a son, or daughter, or husband, or wife, or mother, or father, or something else, was killed in action. And guess what? It was because of _me_!"

Nobody still dared to respond.

"And it gets _easier_ each and every time I do it! It gets easier to pull the trigger and kill them, and it hurts more and more after each battle because it's only then that I realize what I've done! It's even worse when it's someone I got to know, like Waltfeld! I don't want to kill anymore but when I fight I don't even think for a second about trying to find a way to disable my opponent without killing them! Because I just _can't_! There's no time, trying to disable could get me shot down, and those pilots will probably just hop into another Mobile Suit or Armor or whatever and try to kill us!

"That's right! _Us_! I made a promise to protect this ship and everyone onboard, okay? And the only way to do that is to kill the stupid bastards who keep coming after us! What do you expect me to do? And how do you expect me to feel? What do you people want from me?"

By that point I was in tears myself. Tolle walked up to me. "Cagalli, I-"

"Just leave me alone!"

I ran away.

* * *

The rear observation deck had a crappy view, but it was deserted. I sat there next to the door, crying into my knees.

It wasn't just the thought of all the people I killed, and how it was becoming increasingly clear I was becoming isolated from my friends, and possibly even from Elle. I felt _pathetic_.

But I couldn't keep the thoughts of all of the Mobile Suits, all of the BuCUEs and helicopters I had destroyed. Waltfeld, Yzak, everybody whose names I did not know, who had faces I had never seen, I had killed. And then there were Asta and Aisha, reminders of the aftershocks from what I had done.

Asta, possessed by this burning desire to kill me no matter what the cost because of her brother, and likely on borrowed time if Aisha's testimony at the palace was to be believed. She was _dying_, apparently. And she had been forcing herself to live for her brother, who was now gone. It was no wonder she was enraged.

And then Aisha, who, oddly, reminded me a lot of . . . _me_, with the way she stared off into space so much. The resemblance to me was so uncanny that every time that I couldn't bear to approach her when the guards would escort her around the ship so she didn't go crazy from being locked up. She would try to appear dignified and graceful, just like she did at the palace, but there was an obvious emptiness inside her now, just like with me.

And then there was when I saw the seed in my mind's eye shatter. In which I didn't care about my enemies' survival at all. Where I didn't care about anything at all, other than destroying my enemies as mercilessly as possible. In which I was basically a killing machine. What if that happened against Athrun? Would I even kill _him_?

And thinking of Athrun made me think of Tolle. I didn't want to think of the distance growing between us. And I'm sure he wasn't thrilled about hearing me shout Athrun's name the way I had when Flay attacked him, _if _he had heard me. I was afraid to ask if he had.

So all I could do was cry.

When I heard footsteps from behind me, I immediately felt embarrassed. Terrified. It was bad enough that people were saying, and likely gossiping, that I was growing distant from them. If I was found crying, how would they take _that_? They'd just think I was weak and breaking, that's what. How safe would they feel if I, their best protection, was falling apart?

I wiped my eyes with my sleeve frantically and ran over to the railing, getting as far from the door as possible. I heard Kira's voice, though, and I knew he would immediately notice something was wrong.

"Cagalli, you're here too? I thought I'd be by myself out here. Kinda odd that Elle wouldn't be by you," Kira asked.

"Everything's fine," I said, but as I spoke, I immediately heard the trembling in my voice, and I knew Kira was going to notice.

There was a brief pause. "You were crying, weren't you? What's wrong?"

"It doesn't matter," I said, and I tried to get away from him. The only thing I could think of now was to head back to my room.

Kira grabbed my arm. "Cagalli, wait!"

"Let go of me!" I shouted as I shook his hand off of me.

Kira responded by hugging me.

And it gave me the oddest feeling I had ever had. All I knew was that I didn't want him to let go of me.

"It's all right," Kira said. "It's all right. I'm here for you."

Hearing those words brought the tears right back to my eyes, and my throat choked up in an instant. I tried to say something, I don't know what, but it came out as a kind of pathetic, soft croak, and finally I just sobbed into his shoulder.

He didn't budge one bit.

* * *

Kira eventually led me to the wall by the door, and we both sat down by there. "I was held like that when I cried as a little kid," Kira said. "Somehow it always made me feel better."

"It did," I said. "Thanks."

He sighed. "I'm sorry. I know that part of this has to be my fault. I said that you sounded like a monster out there in the desert. I know that has to be weighing on you."

"It didn't help," I replied.

"Has the 'seed' thing happened again?" Kira asked.

"No. It didn't happen at all against Waltfeld. Though I killed him anyway."

"Now I get it," Kira replied. "You got to know him."

"I'm not fighting for any other reason other than to protect my friends and everyone onboard this ship. People I _brought _onboard, I should add."

"They would have died if you did not bring them here," Kira replied. "You shouldn't feel guilty for it. They had taken damage, their air was leaking, and their engines weren't working. If you hadn't done that, they would have died, Cagalli."

"I brought them into the war," I said. "If I don't fight, everyone here will die. My friends, all of the civilians, I have to protect them, Kira. And I still didn't save everyone. Elle's mother was murdered, and there was that time we took damage from a ZAFT ship and that got a couple of civilians killed too. I've spent all this time killing people to save them. It gets hard to take after a while."

"You're not fighting on your own, though," Kira replied. "Virtually all of those Orb civilians have Earth Alliance military ranks right now because they have become an integral part of what keeps this ship operating. Heck, look at me, I keep optimizing the Strike for you so you can use it to its full potential. If I wasn't around, the Strike would be much more difficult for you to operate."

"So?" I asked.

"You can't blame yourself for everything. You're not shouldering this alone. We are all fighting alongside you, Cagalli."

"It doesn't feel like it," I replied.

Kira sighed. "There's an old saying that for one front-line soldier, there are eight people who are working to supply and support that one soldier. Cagalli, you may be that front-line soldier, but you have an entire crew of people who maintain, recharge, and repair that Strike. You have people on the _Archangel _who direct you on your objectives and give you battle updates. You have people who are cooking what we all agree is slop but is still necessary for keeping you going each day. You're not alone in this war."

Kira's words made sense. They truly did. But Kira was missing the important difference between me and everyone else.

"We all may be soldiers, Kira, but I'm the one who does the killing. There's no escaping that."

"I've killed people too," said a new voice.

I looked to my left, past Kira, and there was Flay, standing in the doorway. "I've killed a whole bunch."

"Were you eavesdropping, Flay?" I asked.

"Not for very long," Flay said. "Just for what Kira told you, that's all."

I did not trust Flay at all. Some part of me said that she had been listening for much longer than that. She could've seen me cry, which was the worst thing of all. The last thing I wanted to show Flay was tears.

She sat down at the edge of the doorway, leaning against the edge. "It's nice to know I'm not wrong for feeling horrible about killing. I was wondering if something was wrong with me."

Unexpected words, especially from Flay. Kira seemed surprised too, he said "What do you mean?"

"I felt elated at first, when I attacked the _Henry Carter_ and the units protecting it. I've had this hate for Coordinators that I haven't been able to shake, not since Daddy's death when the _Montgomery _exploded. When I took that Skygrasper and attacked them, all I felt was this perverted joy knowing they were dying too, just like Daddy did. That I was avenging his death."

Flay paused, and then she folded her arms around her knees. "But then . . . I remembered why I was in Orb in the first place. Daddy wanted me to stay out of the war. And now I know why. I could've died out there. If Daddy was still alive he'd be so worried about me, and he'd be angry too, angry that I'm risking my life. Instead, I made other people die. And they have people who care about them, don't they, just like Daddy loved me."

Flay buried her head in her knees, and her voice sounded increasingly choked. "It's nice to know that . . . that I'm not alone in feeling bad . . . or crying . . ."

Kira rubbed Flay's shoulder. "You're being very brave, going out there to protect this ship."

"That should be my goal, shouldn't it?" Flay asked inbetween sniffs. "I shouldn't think about a-avenging my daddy. A-All that does . . . is make me feel worse. M-Maybe if I-I can . . . c-can just protect this ship . . ."

Kira just rubbed her right shoulder more, and Flay rubbed her eyes. "I don't want to be alone anymore. I can't stand it. It sucks! I don't have anybody I want to fight for!"

"You do have people to fight for. Every man, woman, or child on this ship," Kira said. "What you have done is become their front-line of defense so everyone onboard can make it home, Flay. They're all relying on _you_. That's why you're being brave. Not everyone is cut out to become that person who everyone needs to rely on."

Flay looked at Kira. "W-Wait a minute . . . you're the _prince_. Prince Kira!"

Flay's face turned red. "I-I'm sorry!"

Kira seemed flummoxed. "What do you have to be sorry for?"

"I-I don't know," Flay managed. Words failed to describe the combination of despair and yet girlish embarrassment on her face and body language. "I . . . I just . . . didn't recognize you right away . . . my prince."

"My prince"? Really, Flay? It's not like you're some kind of medieval knight here. Or in some really cheesy fantasy movie either.

Kira crossed the line from confusion to embarrassment at being called that. "You d-don't have to-"

"But you are. You _are _my prince," Flay said. She looked away from him, still blushing heavily, her lips trembling.

"I don't want to be alone anymore. My whole life, I've been sheltered, hidden away. I've just been shallow and . . . and stupid. I can't be that way anymore. My friends weren't really my friends, they were just a way for me to feel popular and cool and stuff. And Sai . . . Sai, if he _really _wanted to be my boyfriend, he w-would've made me feel better, or at least done something else rather than break the stupid simulator. I think I've been alone this entire time, my whole life, until now."

Flay, with tears still in her eyes, stood up and looked at both of us. "I'll fight for the both of you. My prince, and you, Cagalli, the only person willing to be my friend."

You can imagine how well that went over in my brain. _Me_, Flay's _friend _all of a sudden? What was this, had I suddenly plunged into some kind of bizarro-land?

But at the same time, in this cruel way, Flay was right. I _had_ been showing concern for her, showing some kind of understanding and comfort. Those _were_ signs of friendship. And now here she was, pledging to be stronger and better for _me_. Embarrassing, but if Flay was really done with being "shallow" as she had put it, I knew that being Flay's friend would not mean what it once did.

Kira seemed even more embarrassed than I was. "L-Look, it's flattering, but the 'my prince' talk isn't necessary, I promise."

"It is," Flay said with finality. "You don't have to take the time to help us because you're the prince, but here you are. Helping us. Helping Cagalli protect us. You're amazing and wonderful, my prince."

She hugged him, and Kira's eyes turned to me. _Help me _seemed to be the unsaid plea.

"Uh, Flay," I said. "If you're feeling better, my offer still stands."

Flay separated from Kira, who looked exceptionally embarrassed. "Yeah, I'll take you up on it, if your other roommates will let me. Like I said, I'm sick and tired of being alone."

"All right, go get your things. We'll talk with Miriallia and Elle as soon as possible, okay?"

"Sounds good, Cagalli. I'll see you later. And you two, my prince." Flay walked away then, a noticeable bounce of energy in her step.

"'My prince', huh?" I asked him.

Kira just blushed and mumbled something.

* * *

"I'm not going to cause any trouble or disturbances, I just don't want to sleep alone in a bunk anymore," Flay said to Miriallia when she made it to the room I shared.

"I said _no_," Miriallia said. "I don't need you freaking out one day, and doing to one of us what you did to Sai. That was scary, Flay. Beyond scary. I didn't know you were capable of doing that and I'd rather not be around you now that I know that you are."

"I'm not crazy," Flay replied. "Maybe I was at the time but I've gotten over it."

"_Sure _you have," Miriallia snapped back.

"I'm not out for revenge anymore. I'm going to fight to protect, just like Cagalli is right here. The least you can do is let me sleep in the room I'd like to sleep in, please," Flay said, her voice on the borderline of begging. "I'll take the bunks not being used right now on the other side of the room, I don't care which one. I just don't want to be alone anymore."

Miriallia just _looked _at me. "Why are you forcing this on me, Cagalli? Or on Elle? Haven't I made it pretty clear that I don't want Flay here?"

"I'm trying to help her," I replied. "I'm sorry. I should've told you before I extended the offer to Flay again."

"Please," Flay pleaded, her hands folded in front of her. "I promise there'll be no trouble. I just want to share a room. You can search my bags first, or search me, I don't care."

"Flay's different," Elle said softly.

Miriallia looked at Elle. "In what way?"

"She's not as scary now," Elle replied.

Miriallia facepalmed. "Fine. But you're taking the bunk on the other side of the room, and if you give me one hint of trouble, I don't care about Cagalli's sympathy for you, you're gone."

"It's not anything different from what Captain Ramius told me," Flay said. "That's fine with me."

"Go ahead," Miriallia said, waving Flay to the other bunk. As Flay walked over, Miriallia gave me the evil eye. "_One _incident, Cagalli, and I don't care how minor it is . . ."

"I get it, Miri. I swear!"

"You've got a lot of nerve, running away from me and Elle in tears like that and coming back here with Flay. You do something like that again I'll kick you out too. And I'll take custody of Elle. I don't think Elle's caregiver should be falling apart."

"No!" Elle cried. "I'd rather be with Cagalli, Miri. Cagalli's always there for me. And I know Cagalli didn't kill my mom. I trust her."

Miriallia sighed and closed her eyes, as if meditating.

"I promise there'll be no more trouble," I said. "Kira helped me get over myself, at least a little."

"Fine. If you say so, Cagalli. Now I'm going to flop on the top bunk and get some beauty rest. You do whatever you want."

Miriallia did exactly as she said, and Flay seemed to be preparing the top bunk on her side of the room for herself. What had I done to deserve the bottom bunk?

But when Elle walked up to me and hugged me, I knew why. Elle couldn't climb the ladder.

It was amazing as it was that Elle was still willing to be by my side, and treat me like I hadn't crumbled to pieces in front of her just hours ago. But it made sense, now that Elle had come out and said it. I was the only person on this ship guaranteed to not have killed her mom. I was the only person left to trust.

And I couldn't keep violating that trust by falling apart in front of Elle.

I hugged her and walked over to the bed. It was the end of a long day, and I was, for once, looking forward to sleeping.

I hoped I wouldn't cry in my sleep. I had cried enough that day. I was through with crying. At least for the moment . . .


	40. The Illusion of Safety

Well, this is the last chapter that follows the original Gundam SEED storyline. While some events from the original SEED may still be revisited, the circumstances and perspectives and conclusions will be different. We are, at long last, traveling into uncharted territory. I hope people enjoy the ride.

This chapter is going up a little early so I can concentrate on my NaNoWriMo writing project. However, for once in my life, I can reply to everybody who reviewed. Let's start:

mrs. zala: Cagalli's path through the SEED story has been harsher than Kira's was in the original version, and when you have the choices and consequences that she has, I think it's impossible for self-pity to not emerge. War does that to you.

I can say your other questions will be answered soon enough but elaborating will be spoilerific so . . . sorry. XD

Light-Sakura: Thank you, for both your comment and for sticking with this story for so long!

372259: As usual, your praise is always nice to read, and a little embarrassing in a flattering way. I'm glad you enjoyed the Kira/Cagalli moment (even if it's just a reversal of that moment from the original SEED) and Elle as well.

forthesakeofpeace: I think it's obvious that Cagalli and Tolle are drifting apart. Whether they can can back together or not is largely up to them.

tinylittlerobots: Haha, I think Kira was more embarrassed than creeped out. He's not the type to really enjoy the whole "prince" title thing. XD As for Flay, well, she's undergoing her own transformation. Flay seems to be heading towards a more heroic path than it originally seemed, though you never know, I could be fooling you all. XD

Thanks again!

* * *

**Chapter Forty: The Illusion of Safety**

I spent the first hour of the next morning playing with Elle and playing with Elle's cat, who I had somewhat forgotten about since our arrival in the desert, but Miriallia seemed to have taken care of it in the meantime. I guess Miriallia's prediction of being the "crazy cat lady" all the way back in space was turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Tori was still flying around all over the ship, annoying people. I had finally caught the blasted robo-bird and brought it into my room, and then I learned why Tori didn't want to be in my room anymore. Elle's cat thought Tori made the _perfect _toy. It took only a few minutes for me to let Tori fly out of the room and start wandering the ship all over again. It was better than the poor thing being bullied by a cat.

I felt better. I still didn't feel like my old self, but I felt closer to that person than I had since Tassil. And I would take that.

When Miriallia and I traded places being Elle's caretaker, I had specific plans in store. I hadn't been onboard the Strike since killing Waltfeld. I needed to get back in the cockpit, and run a simulation. Get some practice in. I was a Coordinator but even Coordinators needed practice. Letting my fear control me was not going to help anybody in this situation.

When I went to get my slop that passed for breakfast, I found myself unexpectedly bumping into Murrue. "Oh, hi Captain!" I managed after barely getting out of her way in time.

Murrue chuckled. "It's all right, Lieutenant. How are you this morning?"

"Just trying to get the courage to enjoy this absolutely _wonderful _mystery slop. Want some?"

Murrue chuckled again. "Nice to see your sense of humor's back as well. But it's okay. I'm going to get my own portion."

Murrue paused for a second before continuing. "We can eat in the officer's room if you like. I get the sense there's a lot you want to talk to me about. I know there's some things I'd like to say to you as well."

I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but Murrue's demeanor was comforting enough to make me feel I wasn't in trouble.

"Yes, ma'am," I said, still trying to process the various scenarios in my head as I spoke.

Murrue's smile stayed. "You're not in trouble. Just meet me there, okay? It won't take long."

"Uh, all right."

I watched Murrue walk towards the cafeteria to get served her regularly-scheduled slop, then turned and walked out the door, heading to the officers' room.

I could only wonder what possibly Murrue wanted to talk to me about.

* * *

Murrue chuckled. "Cagalli, there's nothing to be concerned about. You don't need to keep wearing that ridiculous facial expression that brings to mind a deer in headlights. I promise, you're not in trouble."

"I'm sorry ma-uh, Murrue," I said. It took me a moment to remember Murrue had given me permission to call her by first-name basis in private.

"You were busy yesterday," Murrue said. "I've heard you've been talking with Flay Allster a lot. I understand you have her sharing a room with you, Miriallia, and Elle now, if Miriallia is to be believed."

"I . . . I just want to help Flay. That's all," I replied. "I know Flay is doing better now. She's not as angry as she once was. She's trying to change. She's trying to be a better person. She needs to know that she's doing the right thing."

"I'm happy you're choosing to help Ensign Allster find her way," Murrue replied. "A lot of us had written Ensign Allster off as a lost cause in every sense of the term. But you've managed to get the ensign far enough along that she's back from the brink. That's a lot of faith on your part, and a lot of hard work. And because of that, we have another pilot onboard this ship. It's reassuring to know it's not just you and Lieutenant-Commander La Flaga anymore."

"Don't congratulate me yet, we don't know how the Flay-as-pilot experiment is going to end, Murrue," I replied. "The whole thing was an accident anyway, practically done on a whim, because Flay was poisoning Elle with her anti-Coordinator rants. I wanted to distract Flay, and have her channel her anger into the simulator. I never thought she would become good enough to fly the Skygrasper for real."

"If it means anything, Ensign Allster's been a model soldier since her promotion," Murrue said. "Do you think she's gotten over her prejudice at all?"

"I would hope so. She's acting like she has, or is trying to," I replied. "She didn't like how she felt after the battle. I don't blame her. Realizing that all your hatred won't get you anywhere is tough to take."

Murrue nodded solemnly. "I agree. It's something more people should realize. I wonder what made Flay realize it, though, when so many other people don't."

_Like Asta_, I thought upon hearing that. "It's her love for her father."

Murrue raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"When Kira and I approached her in the cockpit after that battle in the desert, she was thinking of her father. I think that made her wake up. I think that made her realize that all of us, whether ally or enemy, have loved ones, not just her."

Murrue nodded. "That makes sense. It's difficult to think about, and a lot of us just don't think about it because if we do, it makes it difficult to fight. At the same time, if we don't fight, we will die."

"You can count on me to keep fighting until we make it to Orb, Murrue," I said. "Maybe I'll even help you until Alaska if there's a way to keep me from being conscripted into the Earth Alliance forces permanently."

Murrue's eyes widened. "Would you really stay onboard until Alaska?"

"It might be the only way to keep the rest of you alive," I said. "Just because you're military doesn't mean I can just watch you leave Orb to meet certain death at the hands of those GUNDAM machines."

Part of me couldn't believe what I was saying. Staying onboard until Alaska? Keep fighting Athrun, ZAFT, my fellow Coordinators? Why would I want to keep doing that?

But Murrue was why. Mu La Flaga was why. All of the military personnel onboard this ship was why. They were a big part of the reason why I was still alive. Abandoning them after Orb just didn't sit right with me. They deserved to make it to safety too.

"If you do this, thank you, Cagalli," Murrue said with a warm smile. "I will do my very best to make sure you are flown to Orb instead of somewhere in the Atlantic Federation once we are safe in Alaska."

"I hope so. I'm already sick of this war. Part of the reason why I didn't join so many of the other Coordinators on Earth and join the fight as part of ZAFT is because I didn't want any part of this. But now I am, and I'm going to make sure as many people as possible make it to safety, whether it's here or Alaska."

It was then when the alarm blared. Murrue jumped out of her seat and ran to the intercom. "Bridge, this is Captain Ramius! What's going on?"

Romero Pal's voice. "_We have strange readings approaching us at high speed underwater! They're moving far too fast to be sea creatures, ma'am!_"

"I understand. I'm on my way," Murrue said.

"_Thank you. I'll try to get confirmation on the forces_," Pal said, and then Murrue clicked off the intercom.

"Cagalli, go," Murrue said firmly.

I knew what she meant without even thinking about it. "I'm on my way, ma'am!"

Murrue and I charged out of the room and ran in opposite directions.

* * *

Kira was still tinkering with the Strike when I ran up to him. "What are you doing now?"

"I'm trying to make adjustments to the Strike," Kira said.

"Well yeah, I know _that_, but-"

"Lieutenant-Commander La Flaga is taking the Launcher Pack with him. You're gonna be stuck on the ship. I'm trying to adjust the aim on this thing so you can fire on any targets underwater, but I can't get the setting right!"

"Wait, _what's_going on?" I nudged up against Kira and turned on the com. "Captain, what the hell's going on here?"

Murrue's voice. "_Lieutenant-Commander La Flaga is going after the flagship these underwater units have to be operating under, and Ensign Allster is going to escort him. La Flaga needs your Launcher Pack in order for this to work, Cagalli._"

"How does he even know where this 'flagship' is?" I asked.

"_We're using the wake of the enemy units to calculate the distance_," Murrue replied. "_In any case, your mission is to protect us from the edge of the launch bay. Effectively, you're the last line of defense_."

Great. I'm being assigned guard duty. "Why couldn't I be told about this while I was suiting up or something?"

Natarle Badgiruel. "_There was no time, Lieutenant. In any event, you aren't equipped to fight underwater. Beam weapons won't work, all you'll have are the Igelstellung machine-guns." _

"Can't I have some depth charges or something?" I shouted back.

"_The Strike can't be equipped with depth charges, Lieutenant,_" Badgiruel replied. "_We only have a few anyway. La Flaga and Allster are taking them all on their sortie._"

Being told this was so frustrating that I punched the side of the cockpit. "So effectively I'm useless, huh?"

"_I'm sorry, Lieutenant. Please, like I said, protect us from the edge of the launch bay and do what you can._"

Murrue's voice was even and should have been mollifying, but it still felt like an insult. I knew it wasn't intentional, they had to be right that the Strike couldn't fight underwater, but it didn't make me feel better. It didn't take away this feeling of uselessness.

"I understand, ma'am. I'll deploy, whatever much that means, once La Flaga and Allster launch," I replied, and I turned off the com.

Kira looked sympathetic. "I'm sorry."

"No. It's nice to not be the center of the action," I lied.

The truth was that I was so used to being the centerpiece of every battle plan that it was odd to basically be reduced to a small role. I should've relished it, but now all I felt was on edge. Like I should have been doing so much more. It made me want to punch a lot more than just the side of my cockpit.

Kira sighed. "If it means anything, beam weapons aren't necessarily useless underwater."

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

Kira's eyes turned serious, and his voice was firm. "If you do fall underwater, you'll be able to do damage with your beam sword. But the catch is that the beam sword is useless unless you have the sword connect with the ship's body and then turn it on."

That made sense in an odd way. "It sounds risky, though."

"Well, there's that and you can always try to steal the enemy's weapons and use it on them," Kira added, back to his usual, easygoing self.

"Sounds like I'm still useless," I grumbled.

I saw the two Skygraspers get in line to launch. "Kira, get going. It's time we all got set to launch."

Kira nodded, and he squeezed past me and out of the cockpit. "See you soon, okay?"

"It's not like I'm going very far, but I will," I said.

Kira chuckled. "There we go. That's a taste of the old you."

He shut the cockpit on me then, and I just sighed. I wasn't even _trying_to be funny there, but it didn't surprise me overall. Everybody had made it clear that they wanted the old me back. I guess saying that had unintentionally helped in some way.

"All right," I said. "Get the Skygraspers out of the way. Let's do this."

* * *

I marched the Strike to the edge of the launch bay, and I heard Mu La Flaga on the radio. "_I think we're up against the Marco Morassim unit. He's basically the Andrew Waltfeld of the sea, or at least that's who he's compared to. I would be careful and watch for any signs of trickery._"

"That sounds fun," I muttered.

_The plan for Allster and I are to use depth charges to force Morassim's flagship to surface and then I'm going to use the extra weaponry I have to blow it out of the water_," La Flaga said. "_No pun intended_."

"_I wish I could joke about this_," Flay said. "_These are all the depth charges we have? There's no margin for error_!"

"_It's simple. We don't screw up_," La Flaga said. "_Now follow me, Ensign_."

"_I'm right behind you, Lieutenant-Commander_."

"_And you, princess_," La Flaga said, "_Good luck_."

"If I ever get promoted higher than you," I replied. "I'm going to find out some way to get revenge for all the times you-"

Miriallia's voice. "_Cagalli! Something's coming right towards your position! I think it's going to rise from the water_!"

"What?" I shouted, but before I could say anything else, a plume of water erupted before my eyes, and I suddenly saw a hideous violet Mobile Suit emerge from the water, aiming a gun right at me.

I did the natural thing and fired right at the Mobile Suit's midsection.

It exploded and the smoking remnant fell right back into the water where it had come from.

"What the hell was that?" I shouted.

"_I think that was a DINN_," replied Romero Pal. "_It's a Mobile Suit configured for both naval and airborne warfare. Basically a GINN modified for use in the Earth's atmosphere though it can operate in limited capacity underwater_."

I saw targets on my radar, all circling below the _Archangel_. I tried to get a read on them, and tried firing a few shots, but they seemed to do absolutely nothing. "And what else is below us?"

"_GOOHNs, in all likelihood_," Pal replied. "_Think of them as Mobile Suits except they operate like submarines_."

Explosions rocked the ship, and for a moment, I felt like the Strike was going to topple over into the water. "Now what?"

"_The GOOHNs or whatever they are are firing at us from below the sea_!" Miriallia shouted.

I aimed at the water, and used my targeting computer to try to track the GOOHNs, but they were moving way too fast for me to be an accurate shot. They were dodging me far too easily.

"I don't think the GOOHNs will be stupid enough to surface like that DINN was," I replied.

"_Just do what you can! At least keep them busy!_" Murrue yelled.

"I'm trying!" I said, but I was basically firing blind, I was hardly being effective as covering fire, much less being an actual threat.

I leaned over the side, trying to hit one of the GOOHNs the best I could with the rifle. Even with the leverage, even with the targeting system, I still couldn't hit them. I might as well have been firing at absolutely nothing.

"Tell Allster and La Flaga to hurry up and kill Morassim's flagship, because I'm not doing a hell of a lot!" I shouted.

"_Just keep shooting! Do what you can, Lieutenant!_" Murrue yelled.

"I don't know if I-"

More explosions rocked the ship, and all of a sudden the water was a hell of a lot closer than it had been.

In fact, I was at a weird angle. The G forces were skyrocketing. I felt heavier than a mountain.

Then the realization hit, right as the water seemed closer than ever.

I had fallen off the _Archangel_.

All of a sudden, the entire world was nothing but water. The cockpit automatically activated its pressure seal so no water got inside, but that was small consolation. Immediately, I could see both of the GOOHN units leer at me, and all of a sudden, I realized I was the primary target right now.

"Uh, _Archangel_. Help. Please. Somehow."

"_Did you fall into the water?_" Badgiruel shouted.

"Yes," I managed as one of the GOOHNs immediately accelerated at me.

Whatever Badgiruel or Murrue or anyone else was gonna say was immediately cut off as the GOOHN rammed me hard and sent me out of control. It felt like the entire world was ending as I was jostled throughout the cockpit, and before I could reset myself, I was hit again.

I was hit two more times before I was able to get myself reset, and it was just in time to see one of the two GOOHNs bearing down at me again.

I was _not _in the mood to be rammed yet again.

I could hear Badgiruel. "_Lieutenant, I believe they're equipped with shotguns but they're not using them. I think they want to take the Strike intact. Use that against them_!"

"What do you think I'm doing?" I shouted through gritted teeth as I forced the Strike to face the GOOHN that was about to hit me. I could vaguely taste blood in my mouth, and my tongue was in a _lot _of pain, I had probably bitten it, but I didn't care.

I had lost my rifle after all of the ramming, but I reached out the Strike's hands and grabbed the GOOHN as it rammed me once more. The jostling was still borderline dizzying, but it was tolerable this time. I turned on the Igelstellungs, and basically "spray n' prayed", as Kira had once put my fighting style.

At first, it looked like the machine-guns were doing nothing, but then I saw bubbles rapidly shoot out of the GOOHN. I had depressurized the machine. I quickly backed off and watched as the GOOHN imploded on itself, its debris beginning to fall to the ocean floor below.

I saw the shotgun Badgiruel had mentioned in the midst of the destroyed GOOHN's debris, and quickly forced the Strike into the debris and grabbed the weapon. As I did so, some of the debris blocked a small missile barrage from the other GOOHN.

"It looks like taking me alive is no longer in their plans," I said as I got the Strike's hands in position to fire the shotgun. It was an awkward fit, I immediately saw that I could not aim the weapon to the right all the way, but it would have to do. I was just going to have to adjust how I aimed and fired, and hope that the GOOHN wouldn't notice my sort-of blind spot.

"_Lieutenant, please be careful. I don't know how far the Strike can sink in the ocean before you have trouble_," Murrue said.

"Then let's just hope I don't find out," I said as I accelerated towards the GOOHN, the stolen shotgun in hand.

It felt almost like being in outer space again, at least in how I could manuever the Strike. Unfortunately, that had a disadvantage. Kira had modified the Strike to fight in the atmosphere. Returning back to conditions somewhat reminiscent of space made the Strike feel awkward, though maybe it was just because I was fighting underwater which was an entirely new environment of its own.

"Come on," I whispered as I charged the GOOHN. "Accelerate and ram me again. I dare you."

At first, I thought I had gotten my wish. The GOOHN was charging right at me, and I readied the shotgun, putting myself at an angle so I could get a good shot.

Then I realized something.

The GOOHN had equipped its shotgun, too.

It wasn't going to ram me, it was going to shoot me.

If a Mobile Suit's shotgun worked in any way similar to a handheld shotgun . . .

I was going to die. Horrifically.

It aimed its own shotgun right at me, and I desperately pushed the controls to their maximum as I tried to avoid the incoming blast. The shotgun fired and it seemed to miss me by mere inches, heading to my left, just missing the Strike's torso.

The GOOHN was a much bigger target, and there was no way I would miss at this range. In fact, with the GOOHN still accelerating towards me, it was borderline point-blank.

I fired the shotgun right into its left side as it was going to start passing me by. Instant depressurization, and suddenly I felt a massive force blast me away.

The world no longer made any sense. It was all a blur, gyrating around at rapid speed.

It felt like I was hitting something. I didn't know what. But I was hitting something, or being grabbed by something.

By that point, I was so dizzy and sick I felt asleep and didn't care.

I needed a break from the nonsensical world, and despite my conscious efforts to stay awake, my body would no longer listen.

The body had beaten the mind.

* * *

I felt myself waking up, and I realized I was no longer under the sea. But this wasn't the friendly confines of the _Archangel_'s hangar either. Gazing out from my cockpit, it was clear that this place I had been dragged into was far too white, far too sterile, to be the _Archangel _and its lively hangar.

This didn't look like ZAFT territory either. It just felt like something else entirely. A total mystery.

Beeping. Coming from my right. With my right hand, I reached for my pistol. I didn't know where I was, but until I knew, I had to be safe. I was going to blast my way out of here if I had to. The only thing I could think of doing was turning the Strike on after I beat off this intruder and charge right out of here again.

The beeping stopped, and the cockpit opened up in front of my eyes, and suddenly I saw a young girl who looked like she could be my sister. She had brown eyes and blonde hair, just like me, but her hair was styled a little differently, it seemed wavy. She wore white clothes, as if she was a patient in a hospital, but that was not a surgical gown she had on. No, they looked like military fatigues, except in pure white.

And, in her right hand, was a knife.

"I'm scared of dying," she said softly.

Underneath the softness of her youthful voice, which sounded stuck between a child's and a teenager's, was an underlying intensity that seemed inhuman. Her eyes were wide, and seemed almost feral.

"I'm scared of dying too," I said, unsure of how quickly I should draw my pistol. It didn't help this girl couldn't be older than thirteen or fourteen. I couldn't quite come to grips with the idea of murdering a child to ensure my own survival.

"I don't want to die. But Doctor Malcolm says if I don't kill the Coordinators I'll die. Auel, Sting, me, everybody. Everybody will die."

Okay. This didn't sound like a ZAFT thing to me, but this wasn't typical Earth Alliance either. In fact, it sounded almost Blue Cosmos-ish.

Which was a death sentence for me anyway, I realized to my horror.

Out of all the places to wash up, it had to be a Blue Cosmos facility. And it had a psychotic kid waiting to gut me like a fish that had come up too far from the shallows.

"Kid, please, put the knife down. Put it down. Don't make me kill you," I said.

That was _exactly _the wrong thing to say. Her mud-brown irises seemed to widen upon hearing that. "You'll kill me?"

All of a sudden, those youthful eyes narrowed. Her voice became cold, merciless. "No. I'll kill you. I don't want to die. You will die instead."

She raised her knife, and I knew there was no way out of it. I wasn't going to let myself be murdered by this girl, uncomfortable similarities with me or not.

I aimed my pistol at her forehead as the knife went up in the air, and I put my finger on the trigger.

I was a second away from killing a girl.


	41. Someone, Somewhere

And now . . . we're in fanfic-only territory from this point onward. Enjoy.

Lord Edric: You don't say . . . XD

Light-Sakura: Things are going to be different from now on. There's going to be many more surprises from this point forward. This is when Bloodlines gets to be its own fic and doesn't follow what happened in canon. I'm glad you enjoy Stellar's debut, thought. I hope that she comes off well.

372259: Glad you're excited. I hope you stay excited. We've got a long way to go here but the familiarity is finally gone. It's time the fic became its own story.

mrs. zala: There's going to be some Gundam SEED Destiny characters either making cameos or playing supporting roles in this one. It's to provide a good bridge of sorts into a sequel if I ever write one. :)

tinylittlerobots: We will meet the druggies eventually, but not here. But we will, I promise. ;) As for Kira/Flay . . . well, if it does happen, it'll be different than canon, I think. Just because of circumstances. XD

DHWGDragonblade: Thank you for marathoning through this mega-fic. :) As for Kira showcasing his pilot skills . . . he'll probably do better than Cagalli did in Gundam SEED, though he would be at a disadvantage because of being a Natural here. As for Lacus and the Eternal and whether she becomes a pilot . . . SPOILER REQUEST. NO COMMENT, lol. ^^;

Here we go!

* * *

**Chapter Forty-One: Someone, Somewhere**

Just as my finger had started pushing the trigger, giving the young blonde girl a half-second to live, I heard a teenaged, feminine voice scream "_Stellar_! Stop, stop right now! That's an order!"

The girl's knife froze midway through the stabbing motion. "Joan. She's a Coordinator. Doctor Malcolm says we'll all die if she lives. I have to kill her first."

The cold, hollow tone seemed more horrifying than the knife she held in her right hand. I couldn't keep my eyes off it, and I couldn't relax my grip on my pistol, not even for a second. I had no clue if this "Joan" girl would accidentally say something that would set off the blonde girl who was apparently called "Stellar".

Another girl appeared behind Stellar. She was tall, and seemed as old as I was, with straight, red-gold hair and green eyes. Her voice was a little on the deep side, but was smooth, with none of the husky cracks that my voice had. "Stellar. Look at her uniform. Remember your training. What are you, a child or an Extended?"

Stellar's eyes widened just a little. "It's an Earth Alliance uniform. Atlantic Federation. Her rank is that of a 2nd Lieutenant."

"She is not here to kill you, Stellar. She is an ally."

"But she is flying a GUNDAM. Only Coordinators are flying GUNDAMs. We'll die because of the Coordinators, Joan."

This kid was _obsessed _with death. It would be the most uncomfortable thing about her, if it wasn't for that creepy voice she had put on, the knife in her hand, her resemblance to me, and her willingness to murder me.

"You won't die. You're safe, Stellar." Joan grabbed Stellar from behind and locked Stellar in a bear hug. "You're safe. Calm down. You know I'll keep you safe."

"I'm safe?" Stellar's voice softened, and all of a sudden her eyes turned into something resembling normalcy, with none of the cold intensity they had had when she was about to kill me. "I'm safe. I'm safe. We're all safe."

"That's right," Joan whispered. "You're safe."

Stellar's knees buckled then, and Joan maintained her grip on her. The knife fell out of Stellar's right hand. Stellar muttered "I'm safe," one more time, and, after a moment, she looked right at me.

And then she smiled, her eyes wide with awe.

"You're on our side. What's your name? My name is Stellar. Stellar Louissier. We don't get many visitors here."

"I can only wonder why," I snapped back.

Stellar cocked her head to the left, like a confused puppy. "I don't understand."

"What I don't understand is what you just tried to do," I replied.

Another voice. This one male, but judging from his pitch he sounded like he was Stellar's age. "Sarcasm is one of the things lost on Stellar."

I looked to my left, peering out of my cockpit just a little, and here came a boy with narrow eyes and sea-green hair. He was taller than Stellar, but not as tall as Joan, and he had a lanky body. "There's a lot of things that escapes Stellar's notice. She's not like Joan or myself."

"I don't understand," Stellar repeated, basically confirming the boy's comments right then and there.

"Sting, please don't insult Stellar," Joan said. "She can't help it. Her mind's been messed with, like Auel's."

"If she and Auel would obey orders naturally, their minds wouldn't need to be messed with, would they?" the boy named "Sting" snapped.

Before anyone could say anymore, I heard a jovical, medium-pitched male voice. "Well hello there, Earth Alliance pilot! Your name is Cagalli Yamato, correct?"

Joan had backed Stellar up a little bit, giving me room to step out. I did, but I kept my pistol at the ready. I wasn't ready to let my guard down. This place was too eerie, too messed-up, and seemed a _lot _like a place Blue Cosmos would have its fingers in. I wasn't going to let myself walk into a trap or allow myself to be disarmed.

"I apologize for Stellar's behavior," said the man. He seemed to be in his early forties, with a brunette hairline that was beginning to recede and a salt-and-pepper mustache. "She's a _little _too enthusiastic. She's also growing into an expert hacker. A true savant at her craft."

"And who are you?" I asked.

The man chuckled as he walked past Sting. "My name is Jarvis Malcolm. I run this facility. Unfortunately, 2nd Lieutenant, you have happened upon something _highly _classified."

"Well, jolly gee, I couldn't guess that. This place just looks absolutely _welcoming_. Makes me all warm and fuzzy and non-secretive," I snapped back. I couldn't keep the sarcasm from pouring out of my voice. I wished my friends who thought I was turning humorless could've heard me. They would've thought I was a riot.

Malcolm let out a soft, humorless chuckle. He clearly did not find me funny. "You are the pilot of the Strike GUNDAM. I was told you might pass by, but I never dreamed you would wash up inside my base. When I saw you drifting through the sea, I _had _to pull you in. My superiors will be pleased."

"Lovely," I said. "Now call the _Archangel_ so I can get the hell out of here. I don't give a damn what this place is, I just want out of here. Either that or I'm going to hop right back into the cockpit and blast out of here myself. I'll swim to the _Archangel _if I have to."

"Unfortunately for you, my superiors, as well as myself, give a damn what _you_are. I can't let that happen," Malcolm said.

All of a sudden, he yanked out a gun and he aimed it right at me.

Joan. "Doctor Malcolm, what are you doing?"

"Something that needs to be done," he said.

I should've figured he was going to shoot me. I raised my pistol right at him. "Like hell!"

But he pulled the trigger first.

Instantly, it felt like my body was falling limp. I looked down towards my chest, where he had shot me, and I saw a needle.

A dart.

That was all I could register before the gun fell out of my hand, before my legs buckled and all I could feel was the cold steel floor.

And then I felt nothing at all.

* * *

When I woke up, I was still in my pilot's uniform, and I was inside a small cell. "Wha?" I managed, and I sat up on a plain cot.

Then I remembered everything.

"Okay, what the hell!"

I marched up to the door and tried to open it, but it was locked. I started pounding on it. "What's going on here? Why are you locking me inside here? I'm a soldier for the Atlantic Federation, you morons!"

Through the door's thin window, I saw Malcolm's face. "Well, I figured I would know you were awake, but I wasn't expecting it to be so dramatic."

"What's going on, you bastard? Why are you doing this to me?"

"Why do you think?" Malcolm asked, his eyebrow raised. "You're a Coordinator who's stumbled onto a facility that is grooming people to kill your kind. You can't expect us to just let you go."

"What?" I asked. Wonderful, just wonderful. No wonder the kids here weren't all right. They were trained killers, all of them. Or at least killers-in-training. "If you had just let me go, I wouldn't have known what this place was!"

"I couldn't take the chance that Stellar, Joan, or Sting had said something revealing," Malcolm said. "And I can't have your friends over here either. Which is what would inevitably happen if you had escaped. You would lead the _Archangel_ right to here because of your conscience or whatnot. Which might happen anyway, but they'll be off balance if they arrive here. They'll be concerned about _you_, not about children being trained to kill your kind."

"How do you know I'm a Coordinator?" I asked. "I'm fighting for the Earth Alliance."

"You really don't think that Blue Cosmos wouldn't know?" Malcolm replied. "You were identified by some of our field operatives in the Sahara, after all. And the moment you became a commissioned officer, a file on you was created. Anyone in the right position in the Earth forces can open your file at any time."

Well, that explained a lot. And that explained the rude welcome, too. "Then why haven't you killed me? Your goal is to kill the Coordinators, isn't it?"

"My superior seems to want you alive," Malcolm replied. "He's beyond Blue Cosmos. Until he gives me clearance, I'm not allowed to kill you."

Well, that was a mild relief. At least I wasn't going to die yet. But now . . . the fact that Blue Cosmos, or some aspect of it, wanted me alive suggested something truly insidious. They likely wanted to _use _me.

I didn't want to say any of that, though, and tempt him into killing me anyway. All I said was a tentative, neutral "I see."

I wanted to change the subject. "Who were those kids? Why were they the first to 'greet' me when I woke up?"

Malcolm chuckled. "You really expect me to tell you that? Though I will explain why Stellar Louissier greeted you first. I and the other personnel were discussing what to do with you, and Stellar overheard that you were a Coordinator. She ran to the hangar and hacked her way through the hangar doors and through your GUNDAM machine. She is showing great skill with her hacking abilities, I could see her hijacking a GUNDAM or any other kind of Mobile Suit someday."

That didn't really help, it just added to the mystery of who those kids were.

"So what are you going to do about me?" I asked.

"I'm going to go find out right now. Sit tight in the meantime. Don't force us to kill you," Malcolm said, and he vanished from my sight in the next instant.

"You _really _expect me to just sit tight in a Blue Cosmos place?" I shouted, but he did not reply.

I leaned against the door for a moment, trying to figure out my options. I looked up at the vent. It looked just big enough for me to squeeze through, surprisingly enough. Why did they manufacture a vent large enough for a human to crawl through? Especially a human intended to be a prisoner?

Wait. This place was a _training _facility, wasn't it? Perhaps this cell was also a training room, training how to move around in vents or escaping stealthily from behind enemy lines or some junk.

This meant that this entire place was basically a battle school. And if I wasn't careful, I could become part of "classroom activities". The extracurricular kind.

I didn't have any other choice. The vent, however, was just a bit too high for me to reach, and the cot turned out to be bolted in place.

Of course it wouldn't be _that _easy.

I heard footsteps, and I immediately scrambled back to sitting on the cot. I saw a pair of green eyes appear from behind the door, and I recognized them.

"You're Joan," I said.

"Joan Memphis," the girl replied.

"Why are you standing outside my door?"

"I want to talk to you."

All of a sudden, the door opened, and Joan entered the room, but only partially, keeping her right foot in a spot to keep the door from closing.

"Why?" I asked.

"I've never seen a Coordinator before. I may never see one again until I'm put on a battlefield," Joan said softly.

"Well, I want to talk to somebody too. Who are you? What's with that schizo girl who wanted to stab me? What is this place?"

"This is the Extended Production Facility, Indian Ocean Branch," Joan replied. "I am what's called an Extended. We're being trained to kill your kind. I have been in nonstop training since I was five years old."

All of a sudden, Joan pulled out a knife. "I want to see if I'm ready. If I'm ready to finally go out into battle. Doctor Malcolm says we're the most ambitious and laborious anti-Coordinator project ever attempted. I must prove I'm worth it. I'm eighteen years old and haven't graduated to the main facility yet. If I don't prove myself, I'll be eliminated."

I didn't fully understand what she was talking about. What I _did _understand was that she was going to kill me.

In addition to the knife in her left hand was a Taser in a holster on her left hip. In an instant, I saw the only way I was going to get out of this alive.

Joan rushed me, the blade of the knife aimed right for my neck. I grabbed her left forearm and we crashed to the floor, her on top of me, the knife just inches away from my face.

"I . . . I must win . . . I must prove I'm a worthy Extended!" Joan managed through clenched teeth.

With my left hand barely keeping the knife from touching my face, I kneed Joan in the gut and she gagged. With her off balance, I reached with my right hand and yanked the Taser from the holster.

"Good luck proving it now," I said.

I Tased her in the chest and Joan let out a short scream, and then I kicked her so she would fall backwards instead of on top of me. She twitched all over the floor, a manic, soft "I-I-I-I-I-I" escaping her mouth as she thrashed about.

She had dropped her knife, which I pocketed, and I walked past her and tried the door. It seemed Joan's unlocking job had been permanent, I swung the door open with ease.

Joan was only going to be down for a few minutes. Just to buy myself a little bit of extra time, I zapped Joan again, and left her to twitch in my cell as I ran.

My only goal now was to get out.

* * *

The Taser was a repeater, about five shots, and I had wasted two of them on Joan. There was no sign of any alarm as I raced through the halls, and ducked inside the first vent I could find, but perhaps a silent alarm had been triggered instead. They would want me off balance, or assuming that they weren't on to me yet. Those were mistakes I could not afford to make.

The vent was _not_ a good fit, but I was able to make it work. Eventually, I wound up above a room, and I heard a _very _familiar voice.

"Lord Djibril." It was Doctor Malcolm's voice.

A deep, smooth, cultured voice answered. I assumed that was "Lord Djibril". "_Doctor Malcolm, I assume that Cagalli Yamato's condition is _still_ stable_?"

"Well . . . yes, Lord Djibril. However, one of my Extended candidates apparently decided to try and kill her, and Yamato instead defeated and disarmed her and is on the run. We haven't had the opportunity to chip Yamato yet, we don't know her whereabouts in the facility."

So, they knew I had escaped. I had already expected that, but it made my options much easier.

I stayed silent, scarcely dared to breathe as I remained in the vent.

"_Have you checked the ventilation systems_?" Djibril asked. "_That is a classic manuever_."

"I was going to begin that once we were finished with this conversation," Malcolm replied.

Djibril sighed. "_Good enough, I suppose_."

A pause. "_Doctor Malcolm, by all means, take Yamato alive. I'm going to need her for the 'For All' Project._"

"The 'For All' Project?" Doctor Malcolm asked. "A Coordinator like Yamato?"

"_The 'For All' Project is based off of Project 612, which, I shouldn't have to mention, was taken by the Coordinators twenty years ago_," Djibril replied. "_You have no idea how important Yamato is, and for right now, I'd prefer if you didn't know._

Once again, it's brought up that I'm really important. Hilda Harken had told me I was important. And now this "Djibril" was saying I was important as well. I was getting sick of people vastly more powerful than me knowing more about me than I did. It didn't help that I didn't know any of these people either.

"Well, what do you want me to do?" Malcolm asked.

"_Tell the guards and all the Extended that Yamato must be kept alive unless there is absolutely no choice_," Djibril said. "_In the meantime, Doctor, I need you to fashion out a life's worth of memories for Cagalli Yamato. I want her completely remade from the ground up. I _need_ her remade. I wouldn't even have invested in this additional facility if I didn't know people like her existed._"

Okay. Now they had crossed the line from mysterious to disturbing. It made me want to bust through the vent and kill Malcolm.

"We've never done brainwashing that extensive before!" Malcolm whined.

"_Well, you're going to have to. Muruta Azrael won't understand if there's failure, he's too simple of a man to understand something as layered as failure_," Djibril replied, his voice still even. "_I want Cagalli Yamato believing she is an Extended, and transferred to the main Extended facility at Lodonia in the Mediterranean once she settles down. She is going to be the pilot of the 'For All' Project and obliterate her own kind with it, and never be the wiser._"

"And then you'll just have her killed when it's convenient," Malcolm replied.

"_It goes without saying, Doctor. After the Coordinators are cleansed off this Earth, we won't have any need for the 'For All' Project, and certainly no need for the last remaining Coordinator. We can simply have controllable, _profitable_, brushfire wars from that point onward, as it should be . . . and as it always should've been. No innovative society, and no PLANTs_."

"Understood, Lord Djibril," Malcolm said.

"_Excellent. Now, keep Yamato confined until you have her new life ready for her. Sedate her if you must. Just keep her in the dark as long as possible, and keep the Extended from slitting her throat. Djibril out_."

I heard Malcolm sigh, and then he walked away. I knew what was going to happen next. He was going to have people searching the vents for me. I needed to get out of the vents and into the halls. Perhaps I would have to knock out a guard and steal a uniform in order to have any real chance of making it to the Strike and blasting out of here.

Whatever the case, I wasn't going to stay.

I was not going to be drugged up and then transformed into whatever monster this 'Djibril' wanted me to be.

I would die first.

But not without taking as many of these bastards with me as possible.

* * *

I crawled out of a vent, and began running down the hall. I knew there had to be security cameras everywhere, and they would immediately spot me, but as long as I kept moving, there was a chance I could stay ahead of the security patrols until I could either get a disguise or otherwise make it to the Strike.

The problem was that I didn't know where I was going.

I made a random right into lockers, and I realized I was in a female locker room, where there was white Extended clothing everywhere.

Well, if they planned on having me believe I was Extended anyway, I might as well pretend to be one. Irony.

I was going to need hair dye or something. Plus give my hair some kind of rushed restyling. Anything to sell the idea that I was not myself, and that I was just a random Extended.

But as I grabbed a bunch of random clothes that _looked_like they could fit me, as I began moving I saw a familiar girl appear in front of me. Like she had simply emanated into existence.

Stellar Louissier.

"You hurt Joan. You could have made Joan die," Stellar said.

She was back to being eerie and murderous. Wonderful. Something told me that orders to take me alive didn't matter much to Stellar right then and there. Something about the word "die" seemed to set her off.

"You could make Joan, Auel and Sting die. My friends. My unit. I have to protect my unit," Stellar said, and I saw that instead of a knife or a Taser, she had procured herself an _actual _pistol.

I had not come this far to be murdered by a psychotic girl only two or three years younger than I was!

"Damn it, don't you see that this is some kind of stupid battle school? They're making you people kill each other to find out who's the best! You stay here, you'll die!"

The moment I said that last word, I literally gasped. There I went, making the situation worse again. But instead of her eyes narrowing, Stellar's eyes, stunningly, began to soften. "I will die if I stay here?"

Suddenly, I saw an opening. Stellar was simpleminded in some odd ways, and she could be easily manipulated. I wondered if she had been manipulated from team to team her whole life based on people telling her about her chances of survival.

"Yes. Yes, you will die if you stay here. And so will Joan, and so will Sting, and so will Auel," I said. I had dropped the Extended clothes I intended to put on, but I didn't reach for my Taser or my knife. Doing either one would likely result in Stellar attacking me, and then there would be no reasoning with her even if I won.

"I'm scared of dying. I don't want to die. No. I don't," Stellar said. Tears were forming in her eyes. "I don't want to die, and I don't want my unit to die. I want to protect them."

Suddenly, Stellar didn't appear to be a vicious killer or a soldier, but just a scared girl. It didn't help that by sharing the same eye and hair colors as me, she looked almost like a theoretical little sister. Considering all that I heard, the idea popped into my head that Stellar could be a clone of some kind, but Stellar's facial structure was too different for that to be true.

Just like with Hilda, I was going to beat her with words. But maybe more. Maybe I could turn her towards _my_side, not just break her.

Maybe she would be my ticket out of there.

Maybe . . . all she needed was a hug. I doubted she had too many hugs in this place. Joan was able to calm Stellar down with a hug before, so . . .

So that's what I did. I hugged her. All the while thinking _Please don't shoot me please don't stab me please don't shoot me_.

"I can bring you and your friends to a place where you'll all be safe. It's called Orb. You won't have to fight anymore. You'll be safe, and you'll live in peace."

_Please don't shoot me_.

"S-Safe?" Stellar whispered.

"I can promise that you'll be safe," I said. "It's a beautiful, peaceful country. You will be safe."

It was the truth and nothing but the truth. Orb was a peaceful country. They were neutral. It would be the safest place for re-cooperating child soldiers.

"I . . . I want to be safe," Stellar said softly.

Boots. I looked up, and I saw a pair of security guards appear. One of them quickly marched up to Stellar and I. "What the hell are you doing, Extended Louissier? Out of the way! We need to-"

"_I want to be safe_!" Stellar shrieked, and she turned right around and opened fire.

The lead guard's head had blood briefly erupt from his skull, and before he fell to the ground Stellar had taken off towards the other guard. She aimed and popped the other guard in the head too, and he fell backwards, completely limp.

Two bullets, two headshots, two deaths, and my ears were ringing.

Stellar Louissier was terrifying.

Stellar waited a couple of seconds for anyone else to appear around the corner, then she relaxed. "Please. Bring me to where it is safe, Cagalli Yamato."

I nearly asked how she knew my name, but then again, she had probably heard it either in her orders or offhand or some other way. It would be difficult for her _not_to know.

I got up, and avoided looking at the dead guards so I wouldn't blanch. "Yes, I will. Show me the way to the hangar."

"Why?" Stellar asked.

"Because in there is how I got into this place," I replied. "And that is how we'll get out of here, and how you'll get to where it's safe."

A small smile came to Stellar's face. "I understand. Please follow me, Cagalli."

She began walking away, stopping only briefly to grab an ammunition belt and submachine-gun from one of the dead guards. She was ready for war to get to this place called "safety".

I just had to hope that she would be focused enough on that task that she couldn't be manipulated away from me.

Because if she was . . .

My fate would be the exact same as the guards she had just shot.

Just a random someone from somewhere, laying with my head split open on the floor.


	42. The Hero Dies In This One

I'm sorry, I'm not able to respond to everyone this time. But I hope people enjoy the chapter. It's evil. Majorly evil.

* * *

**Chapter Forty-Two: The Hero Dies In This One**

Stellar Louissier was fast. This facility was a total maze to me, but she moved across it like she had lived here her entire life. And she was an absolute professional with that submachine-gun. The moment she saw a guard, or even an opposing Extended, she would shoulder the gun and fire in a controlled burst, hitting the target in the chest, neck, or head every single time.

She had the skill of a special forces soldier at a much younger age than what you'd expect.

After the second of these mercifully brief, one-sided skirmishes, I had this weird thought we were going around in circles, or taking a really weird way to the hangar. "Where are we going, Stellar? I'm getting kind of confused here."

"I need to get my unit. I need to get Joan, Sting, and Auel. I have to protect my unit. My unit needs to be safe too," Stellar replied.

I wanted to tell her that she was being extremely stupid, but I immediately realized that doing so was a double-edged sword. It would be contradicting how I had won her over in the first place.

I had made my bed, and now I had to lie in it.

Damn it.

"Okay, but try not to get too long. We're going to have everyone in this place after us."

One thing I was getting used to was avoiding the use of "die" and "kill" around Stellar. I kept emphasizing the word "safe", or something related to it, like "safety" or "shelter" or "protect", to keep Stellar warming up to me, to make her want to be with me. Warm words, as opposed to cold words. Or, as perhaps Stellar would call it, life words versus death words.

"That will not happen," Stellar said, confidence in her voice. "We have more than one fight going on right now. People are trying to break in. They won't be after us so much."

"More than one fight?" I asked.

"Yes. A ship landed in the dock about double-oh fifteen ago. They started talking, and then they began arguing," Stellar replied. "After that they began shooting."

The _Archangel_. Just like with the desert, it had come after me. If things had progressed to violence in less than fifteen minutes after docking . . . Murrue was really determined to take me back no matter what the cost. I had never had anyone willing to fight for me like that before, other than my parents, obviously.

Murrue Ramius was the most amazing woman on the face of the planet in that moment. I knew immediately that the moment I saw her again I was going to give her the biggest hug she would ever receive in her life.

"That ship is called the _Archangel_," I replied. "It's where I launched from. It was taking me to Orb."

"I understand," Stellar said. "Then that's where we'll go."

She took off again, blasting a half-dressed guard stumbling out of a random door and continuing on like nothing had happened.

What a girl. Who knew that saving somebody would mean the deaths of so many more people?

It made me feel like I had made a deal with the devil.

That was a highly uncomfortable feeling. More uncomfortable than anything I had done involving Flay.

A couple of more lefts, and then Stellar stopped. "Joan, Sting, and Auel will be here in a few seconds. Don't expose yourself completely."

I wondered how the hell she knew that. She hadn't gotten on radio or anything. Did she have ESP or something similar going on, or did she just know her teammates that well?

A few seconds later, there they were. I recognized Joan and Sting immediately, and some kid with blue hair I assumed was Auel. It was interesting, seeing Naturals with such odd hair colors, but maybe whatever turned them into Extended messed with their hair, turning them unnatural colors reminiscent of Coordinators..

Why this had happened to Sting and Auel and not Joan or Stellar was something I couldn't figure out though.

Joan immediately aimed at me, and Stellar raised her hands. "No, Joan! Don't shoot!"

I ducked a little bit more behind cover, and I heard Joan ask "Why, Stellar?"

"Because she said she would make me safe!" Stellar replied. "The ship that's here . . . that's where she's from. The ship was taking her to a safe place! I want to go there. I don't want to die. Dying is bad."

I could hear Joan's growl even from where I was. "Damn it, Stellar! Why are you believing her? She's an absolute stranger! You really think she wants to help you?"

"She does!" Stellar replied. I was personally amazed to see, and hear, Stellar stand up to her commander just like that.

Judging by the looks on the two guys' faces, Sting and Auel, they were amazed as well.

"Why?" Joan asked.

"She hugged me," Stellar replied, her tone softer. "No one's ever hugged me like she did. Not even your hugs are like her's, Joan."

Joan was struggling not to laugh. "You can't be serious! You turned against your fellow Extended and Doctor Malcolm, and _me_, over one single hug?"

"She made me feel safe," Stellar replied. "I want that feeling again. I want to feel safe all the time."

I leaned out, and Stellar had her submachine-gun aimed right at Joan. "Please Joan. Let's all go to where it's safe. Let's go to Cagalli's ship."

The green-haired boy, Sting, made a growling sound and aimed his gun at Stellar. "You idiot! Didn't you imprint on Joan or some crap? Why are you so willing to kill her?"

"Dying is bad," Stellar replied. "But . . . I want to go to where there's no dying. I am sick of the dying! I want to be safe!"

The blue-haired boy then aimed his pistol at Sting. "No offense, but we've got a predicament here, and I'm siding with Stellar. I like the idea of being safe."

"Have you lost it, Auel?" Sting asked, his narrow eyes seeming much wider. "Do I need to remind you of-"

"You will _not _mention Auel's block word here!" Joan shouted. "It is far more dangerous than Stellar's."

"Stellar's block word isn't even working, Joan!" Sting replied.

"That's how determined Stellar is to follow through on what she's doing," Joan said. "I don't think any of us can talk her out of it."

She paused for a second, and then lowered her weapon. "Oh, to hell with it. The unit stays together. That's what we're trained to do. Sting, don't argue with me here."

Sting sighed. "Fine. Unit stays together."

Auel stopped aiming at Sting. "Good. I didn't want to spray your brains or lack thereof all over me."

Sting growled at that, and Joan interrupted. "Enough chatter."

Stellar lowered her own weapon. "Joan . . . thank you."

"I hope we don't regret this, Stellar," Joan said as she walked past Stellar and towards me.

Meeting Joan again was not something I was looking forward to doing. She had already tried to kill me once already. I did not take my eyes off of her as she approached.

"Come on, Lieutenant. Follow us. We're leaving," Joan said.

"You're really going to do this? Why?" I asked.

"My sense of self-preservation is too strong," Joan said. "Stellar Louissier is the best soldier out of the younger Extended. I'll take her against everybody here. Including myself."

Strong praise, but considering how unstoppable Stellar had been so far, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised at hearing that. "All right. Lead the way. Where's the _Archangel_?"

"Follow me. I know where it landed. It's not too far from where the Strike GUNDAM is," Joan replied.

She turned around and began walking away then, and then I followed my strange bedfellows.

It felt, in a way, like Tassil all over again.

But this time, it didn't feel anywhere near as desperate or hopeless.

Having allies, however uneasy they were, helped with that.

* * *

We eventually stopped in a room, an armory poached of a lot of stuff but there were still some ammunition and unused guns strewn all over the place. Joan sighed as she sat down on the bench and began reloading her rifle clips bullet by bullet. "I've never seen anyone convince Stellar so _permanently _before, not without the imprintment procedure."

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"All of us Extended are hooked onto drugs before long. The goal is to enhance us so we are physically and mentally on the levels of Coordinators, if not better," Joan replied. "I've been on the bottom rung of those who pass for years. Though I suppose my competition is being murdered right now, so that helps my chances."

I decided I would interpret that as gallows humor. "What's this 'imprintment'?"

"It's a bonding procedure with brilliant but troubled Extended, to ensure that these mentally deficient Extended stay loyal and follow their orders. The block words are another way to ensure control," Joan replied. "The bonding procedure is mental, and places me as a type of older sibling figure in Auel's and Stellar's minds. They automatically think of me as family and will do whatever I say as a result. Seeing Stellar resist that was absolutely incredible."

"So there _is _some level of ESP at work here," I replied, amazed. Even after so much scientific enhancement, I hadn't heard of anything regarding telepathy or anything similar before. This was incredible.

"It's sort of like that," Joan said. "The ESP connection was because of a side effect in the drugs we take. It's like a short, sharp needle in your brain when you connect with somebody for the first time. Still happens when you encounter another human that has hostile intent towards you, and you have this _sense _of life around you too. I think in the effort to improve Naturals, I think what the Blue Cosmos people did was create a new type of human being. Us."

Joan finished loading her clip and slammed it into her rifle. "But you connected with Stellar on some deep level, even though you are not an Extended. But I can sense why, being near you. I can sense your warmth, your honesty."

"Say what?" I asked. This went beyond telepathy now, and into something that seemed even more impossible.

"It's something special that they did to us here in this facility. It's something that no one who was sent directly to the main facility in the Mediterranean can do. We can sense your feelings, the feelings of everyone around us. Including when they die."

"That's just crazy," I replied.

"It's not crazy. It's real. And it's because of _you _that they made this extra facility, at least, that's what I've overheard Doctor Malcolm saying to the people he talks to, or vice versa. Your existence, Cagalli."

"That's even crazier! What the hell am I that makes me so special, huh? Why would some crazy anti-Coordinator organization spend so much money and do all of this to _children _just because of me?"

Joan sighed. "I believe Doctor Malcolm has just entered the armory. I believe he may have some of the answers."

"He's _what_?" I asked.

"You're perceptive, Joan," Malcolm said.

I got up, and there stood, Malcolm, armed with his own submachine-gun. Auel and Stellar, who had been talking to each other nearby, quickly ran over and aimed their guns at Malcolm, who stood impassively. Sting, for his part, didn't raise his weapon at anybody, he just stood there, like a cool observer, still debating what side he wanted to choose.

"You have heard of the first Coordinator, George Glenn, correct?" Malcolm asked.

"Who hasn't?" I replied. "He found that fossil at Jupiter. He went the farthest into space anyone has since the AD era."

"Oh, that's not all he did. He found other things," Malcolm said. "He found a machine, and he brought it back to Earth. We have yet to figure out how to run it, though perhaps the PLANTs have. Those Coordinator bastards stole the goddamn thing twenty years ago-"

All of a sudden, Stellar opened fire, and Malcolm's head went up in a red haze, and his body crumpled to the floor.

It was a stunning sight, and I couldn't believe Stellar had just done that. I turned to her. "Why did you do that? He was saying something important to us!"

"He's why this place is so unsafe," Stellar said, her voice surprisingly shaky, tears forming in her eyes. "There's so much . . . so much _hate _coming from him. I didn't want to hear his voice anymore."

Hearing Stellar's words, in the context that Joan had given me, made cruel sense. Despite the mystery of what Doctor Jarvis Malcolm was going to say, and as much as I wanted to get angry at Stellar for what she had done, I knew I couldn't. Who knew what had been done to Stellar here at this man's orders. Malcolm, personally or by proxy, could have rendered Stellar's life a living hell any time he wanted.

Auel whistled. "Now _that's _my kind of girl! Get right to the point! Bang!"

Sting sighed. "Can we just leave now? I've already got all of the ammo I need. We're not too far from where that ship docked."

"You're right," Joan said. "Everyone, follow me, staggered formation. Sting, watch the rear. Cagalli, you get in the middle between us. Stellar, you take point with me. Let's move it."

And that's what we did, leaving the corpse of Jarvis Malcolm behind, and all of the information the man could have given us.

I thought of searching the body for the info, but didn't. And neither did anyone else.

This comes off as wimpy, probably, but I didn't want to take an up-close look at the bullet holes in the man's head from Stellar's burst.

I had seen enough death. I didn't want to see the aftereffects yet again.

Perhaps, just like Stellar, all I wanted was to be safe.

To be in peace.

* * *

There was only one more firefight between us and the _Archangel_. I just stood aside and let Joan's team do the work, which they did, quickly and efficiently. None of the four Extended had a scratch on them as we moved towards where there was more gunfire, and I realized that we were approaching the front line. Where the _Archangel _personnel must've hit a roadblock with the facility personnel.

We crouched behind what looked like the facility personnel's defensive line. Joan looked at her team. "Sting, you and Auel cook some grenades. Frag 'em. Stellar, you and I clear the hall. Cagalli . . . after we clear, you lead the way towards the other line so your people don't shoot us too."

"Yeah. Get it started then," I replied.

Auel had a demented grin on his face. "This is gonna be the best part. They won't know what hit them."

"Stay focused, you idiot," Sting snapped.

"I _am _being focused," Auel replied haughtily. "I'm focused on turning those idiots into a bunch of bloody smithereens!"

With that, he pulled the pin from his grenade, and Sting did the same. They both froze for what seemed like an eternity but likely only for a second or two, then threw them right where the facility guards were taking cover. The guards noticed the grenades far too late, and they exploded, and I ducked away before the images of them being blown apart would be ingrained on my mind.

Joan and Stellar immediately moved in, and there was a bunch of machine-gun fire, then silence.

Then Joan. "Cagalli, get your ass out there so your people don't shoot us!"

"Uh, all right!" I replied.

I couldn't believe it. Just like that. It was over.

I walked out, my hands in the air. "I am 2nd Lieutenant Cagalli Yamato! Pilot of the Strike GUNDAM. I have four of the Extended child soldiers with me, they have chosen to fight with me! Don't shoot them!"

I walked forward with my hands in the air. "I repeat, I'm-"

"Cagalli?" I knew that voice anywhere.

"Murrue? Murrue!" I shouted.

I saw Murrue Ramius, with her brunette hair looking a bit sweaty and messy, lean out from behind one of the corners. "Cagalli! You're all right!"

Seeing Murrue standing there, a pistol in her hand and a grenade in her belt, joining the battle for me personally, made me feel I was not worthy of being saved. It made Murrue look like an angel. I ran forward. "Murrue!"

I dropped my gun and ran forward and hugged her. I didn't care about rank or anything else like that in that moment. All I cared about was Murrue, and what she represented.

"Thank you," I said, my voice muffled due to being buried in her shoulder. "Thank you, Murrue."

"There'll be time for thank yous and you're welcomes later," Murrue said. "But I'm glad to see you're safe."

Murrue looked out past me, and I turned towards Joan, Stellar, Sting, and Auel, who were approaching Murrue and I cautiously. "Are you the four Extended who've sided with Cagalli?"

Joan sighed. "Yes, we are. Dunno if we're gonna regret it, but we are."

"Then you're coming with us and out of this hellish place." Murrue pulled out her radio. "Natarle! Natarle, listen to me! We've acquired our primary objective! 2nd Lieutenant Yamato is safe and in my hands! We're withdrawing _immediately_!"

I didn't hear Badgiruel's response, but Murrue wasn't taking no for an answer. "I don't give a damn about documents or files or flash drives! That's not what we came here for! The most valuable thing is human life, and what's what we have! Take what you can carry if you want, but we're leaving the rest behind! We're withdrawing, Natarle, and that is a direct order! "

Murrue sighed. "The Lieutenant-Commander says that we've stumbled upon scandalous territory here regarding the Earth Alliance. She warned me that by confronting the facility like this we'll be a rogue ship, we'll never be able to go to Alaska without facing the death penalty . . . but I didn't care. Not when they were being so obstinate. Not when I saw one of those kids like you four over there. It was just so _wrong_."

Murrue's lips quivered, and then she sighed. "Come on. We need to hurry. The facility has plenty of reinforcements, we only have a temporary reprieve right now."

"You got it, Murrue," I replied.

"Everyone, fall back!" Murrue shouted, and she ran down the hallway, and I followed.

It was a relief. A pure, bona-fide relief.

There was one person I could believe in besides myself, and that was Murrue Ramius.

I felt ready to follow her into hell.

* * *

Badgiruel sighed. "We had La Flaga and Allster clear the airspace, not like the facility had much in the way of air defenses besides ground-to-air weaponry. I think their intention was to stay as under the radar as possible. That's why ZAFT hasn't already targeted this place, they didn't know about it."

"Well, they probably know about it now," Murrue said. "I wish them luck on getting this place evacuated before ZAFT blows it to hell."

"Let's get out of here first before ZAFT decides that would be a good idea," Badgiruel replied curtly.

We had withdrawn to the final defensive line, the top walkway, which led to the Strike GUNDAM and the _Archangel_. I knew which way I was getting out of here, I wasn't going to get on the ship. _Somebody _had to get the Strike out of here, and that was going to be me.

There was a hallway that extended to one of the _Archangel_'s doors, it was a few stories up, and below it was nothing but water. A vicious fall for sure.

"Get across, Natarle," Murrue said. "I want to make sure Cagalli can make it to the Strike before I cross. It's the captain's responsibility to make sure her crew is safe."

"You sure about this Captain?" Badgiruel asked.

"Yes, I am! Now go!" Murrue replied.

Badgiruel sighed, and she turned and ran down the tunnel.

I looked at Stellar. "You get onboard right now! You and the other Extended! You've all had enough fighting!"

"I'm staying," Joan said. "You need at least one elite soldier holding them off until everyone's going. I know you people have special-ops types here for some reason, it's not standard for a ship to have them, is there?"

"The special forces soldiers you saw were initially deployed in a town called Tassil, they were meant to extract Cagalli in a similar situation to this one," Murrue said. "They made it to the _Archangel_, and I'm glad they did."

"Are you sure, Cagalli?" Stellar asked.

"I ain't waiting for her permission! I'm outta here!" Auel shouted and he took off down the hallway.

Sting shrugged. "What can you do?" He followed Auel.

"Go," I said. "Get out of here. I'll head for the Strike and get out that way. Joan will be right behind you, got it?"

Stellar nodded. "Okay. When the Captain goes."

By this point, all that was left of us that hadn't evacuated were two spec-ops types with Joan, Murrue, Stellar, and I. As Stellar responded, one of the two spec-ops soldiers fell, shot in the head, and tumbled down the stairs.

"I think they're finally sending the Extended in full force on us," Joan said. "We're not going to hold them off."

"Let me help then so no one else has to-" Stellar was interrupted by Murrue, who grabbed Stellar's shoulder.

"We're leaving," Murrue said. She turned to me. "Get to the Strike. Get it out of here. Understand?"

"Yes, Murrue," I replied. It took me a second to realize something. "You've been calling me by my first name this whole time."

"Special circumstances," Murrue said with a smile. "I'll see you on the ship."

"You got it, Murrue," I replied.

Murrue and Stellar took off down the collapsible hallway, and I turned around. It was time to head to the Strike. It was time I escaped this nightmare. It was time I-

My thoughts were interrupted by a loud whistling sound.

And then Joan. "RPG!"

I had heard enough of those shouts, and enough of those sounds, to immediately know what that meant.

Rocket-propelled-grenade. And it didn't take a genius to know what the Extended would be targeting with that RPG.

And when the explosion erupted behind me, in the collapsible hallway that led to the _Archangel_, I instantly thought the worst.

I spun around. "Murrue! Murrue! Stellar!"

There was a huge gaping hole in the hallway. No human, not even a Coordinator like me, stood a chance of jumping that gap. Joan, myself, and the remaining special-ops soldier were all stuck here, our only escape being the Strike.

Through the smoke and the wreckage, was Stellar, laying prone on the other side of the gap, clearly knocked unconscious. Sting and Auel were running out to grab her and pull her inside the _Archangel_.

But Murrue. Where was Murrue?

I screamed her name and suddenly I saw her.

Her back was turned to me, and she was hanging onto the edge of a bent, snapped supporting railing with one of her hands. The midsection of her uniform was increasingly turning dark red.

_No_, I thought. _No, no, no._

Murrue Ramius, my guardian, the person who had guided me throughout my journey, who had come time and time again to rescue me. The person who reassured me. The one person I could unquestionably describe as my hero. The person who, by dragging me into the Strike GUNDAM in the first place, inadvertently gave me the right to survive.

She was hurt. She was dangling, hanging on to dear life with just one hand. And there was nothing I could do to help her.

_Please climb up. Please, somehow, some way, get the strength to climb up._

I screamed her name again.

It was as if the world was slowing down. It was surreal. Murrue's head turned towards me, and I saw a bleeding slash across her beautiful, reassuring face. She smiled at me briefly, and for a second, I dared to think everything would be okay. Because that's how everything always ended. No matter what went wrong, one thing was constant, and that was Murrue Ramius, her being captain of the _Archangel_, her being the crucial stabilizing, moderate force that guided us all.

She would be okay because her being okay was the clearest way we were still alive.

It would not be.

I saw a bullet strike her in the chest. A small amount of blood spewed out, and the momentum propelled Murrue away. Her hand let go and all of a sudden, she was falling.

She seemed to fall forever.

Then she was gone.


	43. Time After Time

Wow. I have never gotten so many responses to a chapter before. Lesson: kill more characters. XD Haha, kidding, kidding! Maybe. :p

I would try to respond to all, but there's so many responses that it's not really feasible, and everyone's talking about the major thing that happened anyway: Murrue's demise. It was one of the hardest decisions for me to do. I've always liked Murrue a lot and never thought she got enough screentime in the original SEED, and killing her around the halfway point of this story gives her even less time. But it was something that had to be done. Why Murrue would risk herself so openly and thus be in the position to get killed just to save Cagalli will be elaborated upon eventually. Not in this chapter though.

Everything in this fic happens for a reason. And that includes death.

That being said, I hope everyone enjoys the direction of the story from this point forward. It's different, surprising . . . and I hope, rewarding.

* * *

**Chapter Forty-Three: Time After Time**

The world seemed to stop when I saw Murrue vanish into the water. I could not accept the reality. I could not accept that Murrue Ramius had just been killed in front of my eyes. I refused to believe it. That literally did not just happen. I must have been seeing things. I must have been imagining it.

But I knew. I knew.

I screamed her name at the top of my lungs, shredding my vocal cords in the process, tears suppressed by adrenaline all of a sudden pouring out of my eyes.

She was not just my captain. She was a _friend_. It had not been until she had come to save me, _again_, from this wretched, hellish place, that I had realized it completely. That she was my friend. That she considered me her friend. That she considered the ship worth risking in order to save me.

And I never had the chance to tell her how much that meant to me.

I hoped against hope that I would see Murrue swim to the surface somewhere. Because she could not be dead. She had not been shot in the head. She had been shot above her right breast, almost clipped in the shoulder. That should not have killed her. The Murrue Ramius I knew would survive that shot because she was just that strong.

But she never reappeared.

I was shutting down and I did not care. Nothing meant anything to me anymore. How was I worth the death of this woman, who commanded an entire ship full of people, the woman who had guided this motley crew of people from a zillion nations? There was no way that I was worth it, no matter what these mysterious people from nefarious shadow organizations loved to overtly hint about me. There was no way.

Why? Why couldn't that have been me instead? Why couldn't I have died instead?

I felt a hand grab me and all of a sudden I was pulled from the edge. I looked up and there was Joan. "Snap out of it!"

She slapped me across the face.

And then things returned to reality and normal speed.

I was still in war. I was still in danger. There were still bullets flying everywhere.

And a little voice in the back of my head was telling me that the only way that Murrue's death could be remotely justified was if I survived.

I had to survive.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Joan shouted. "We're out of time! You need to go!"

"I'm sorry . . ." I literally couldn't come up with anything better to say. My voice sounded like a shadow of its usual self, so worn out it was the vocal version of sandpaper.

Joan shook her head. "You don't have to say anything. She was your captain. I get it. But she's _gone_. Now if you want to live we're getting your ass over to the Strike."

"Okay." I still did not feel completely _here_. I felt like a piece of me had been ripped out and had fallen into the water after Murrue Ramius. I felt empty, only partially connected to this pane of existence. It reminded me of how I felt when I was plummeting through Earth's atmosphere, when I started watching myself fall, like I had become an observer of my own demise. I wasn't quite at that point yet, but I felt really close.

We retreated to the edge of the walkway. Joan peeked out and fired a few more rounds. "We need to go_now_! They're realizing how few in numbers we really are!"

"Just run to the Strike right now?"

"We don't have much of a choice!" Joan took off at a run, running off the destroyed walkway and making a hard left, and I realized she was heading right for the Strike.

I knew immediately that I had to follow.

As I took off after her, I heard the dying grunt of the last soldier besides Joan and I as he was hit in the head. I couldn't turn around to look at him, not even pause. I knew the moment I stopped moving I would be dead.

Joan was incredibly fast, or I was just so exhausted physically and spiritually I was slower than usual.

Up another flight of stairs. I barely made it to the top as more bullets flew past me, I was just barely out of their range thanks to the height advantage. Joan was waiting for me, and she seemed to be setting up something.

"Get to the cockpit, I'm almost done with this!" It took me a moment to realize she was arranging a _tripwire_. That would definitely buy a few seconds to boot up the Strike and blast out of here.

So I kept running.

When I made it to the cockpit, entering it from the side with the most cover, the right, Joan caught up to me. "All right. That should be enough time."

"It's going to be a cramped fit," I said. "But it's workable. I've piloted the Strike with more than one person inside before."

"No, Cagalli. I'm here to give you some instructions. I'm staying."

"You're _what_?"

Just as I said that, the tripwire went off, and there was a lot of screaming and sounds of people falling off the stairs and crashing to the ground. If the blast didn't kill them, the fall would. Not all of the screams sounded like adults, which made me feel sick to my stomach.

"There's something I have to tell you. Sting, Auel, and Stellar are going to get _incredibly _sick. One of the things they use to control us, Cagalli, is to hook us on the drugs. We need them to survive."

"You must be joking!" I shouted. Immediately, all I could think of was that I had inadvertently killed those three kids. Stellar, Sting, and Auel. No wonder Sting had been so reluctant. He knew. He knew what was going to happen. And he went along with it anyway.

"I'm not joking, Cagalli! There's no way I'd survive if I came with you! But Sting, Stellar, and Auel? They have a chance! They're younger! Their bodies aren't as addicted as mine!"

"What are you talking about? This isn't making any sense!"

A gunshot ricocheted off of the Strike then, and Joan immediately leaned out and fired a couple more shots around the Strike, and I could hear the grunt of the bullets finding a target.

Joan then turned and shoved me into the cockpit. "Sting is self-sufficient! His willpower will be enough! But Auel, and Stellar? They're going to need someone to imprint on, Cagalli! Otherwise I don't think either one will be strong enough to survive withdrawal!"

"Imprinting? How is that supposed to work?"

"Someone needs to take my place in their minds, Cagalli! It can be you or someone else or two douchebags who guard crates all day, I don't care! But they each need somebody to live for!"

Joan leaned out again, and fired another burst, and then Joan shrieked and fell backwards in front of my vision, and I saw red spreading all over her right shoulder.

"Joan! C'mon, you can't-"

"Stop being stupid and get out of here! I can't hold them off for much longer!"

Just as she said that, I heard something roll on the walk, and Joan grunted as she kicked it away. The explosion told me all I needed to know; Joan had kicked a live grenade away.

"Why?" I asked. "Why did you do this, knowing that you'd die?"

Joan paused, and then she smiled. It bore an eerie resemblance to Murrue's smile just minutes before on the walkway. "Because I can't bet against my Extended. I'm just going to have to take my chances here, and try to kill everybody else, so no one else knows what happened here but me. Chances are slim to none that I'll survive, but it's better than no chance. I have too much self-preservation in me, Cagalli."

"You can't seriously believe a word you just said! You're crazy!"

Joan placed her hand on the cockpit door. In her other hand was that machine-gun she had on her. She looked like she was preparing for a last stand.

"Get out of here. Give my Extended unit the lives they want."

And then she slammed it shut.

I knew immediately that I didn't have any more time. When I imput my lock code on the Strike, the radar immediately displayed dozens upon dozens of people swarming around the GUNDAM. I didn't even have time to try to yank Joan from her position and pull her back in.

So I powered the Strike on.

The radar suggested total chaos outside. Now I knew why Joan figured she had a chance, even though it was just a slim one. The chaos of my takeoff around these people could give her an opportunity to either escape or wage a one-woman war on her fellow Extended, their guards, and the scientists.

I couldn't tell which human figure was Joan, and I guess it didn't matter. I was getting out of here, and it was too late to try to grab her and bring her into the cockpit by force. Not like she'd let me do it anyway.

So I marched the Strike out of its docking station, and turned on the Phase Shift. The Strike reverberated from multiple RPGs slamming into the giant machine, but they hardly did any damage. The GUNDAM wasn't quite immune to the handheld rockets, but it put up good resistance against that type of damage.

I took aim where most of the RPG fire was coming from and then let loose with the Igelstellungs. A few seconds of that spraying everywhere, and no one was shooting at me anymore.

That made me feel even more numb than I already did.

The Strike hadn't been recharged since I had ended up here. I had enough power to walk out of here and fly back to the _Archangel_, but that was it.

I opened communications as I walked right out of the docking station, entering the open air. "This is 2nd Lieutenant Cagalli Yamato. I have the Strike GUNDAM. Can someone fly me my launcher so I can take off and return to base?"

A pause. Then Miriallia. "_You're still alive, Cagalli_?"

"Yes, I am, whatever that's worth."

"_I'll tell Flay to fly you the launcher! Just hang on! Get to a zone that isn't as hot!_"

"Sounds good to me."

It didn't really matter. I was still breathing, but with Murrue dead, I couldn't bring myself to want to do_anything_. I was just on autopilot at this point, doing what my instincts said. I just could not bring myself to believe it. That Murrue was gone.

Not even the knowledge of Natarle Badgiruel's inevitable wrath meant anything to me even as it consciously hit me that she was going to kick my ass for this one.

I had never thought of Murrue Ramius as a friend, not until she had come to rescue me. And that had been a colossal mistake. She had been there for me the whole time and I had never realized it.

And now, my negligence, my failure as a pilot, had gotten her killed.

That was when I started to cry. When I finally told myself to stop denying the truth.

She was not going to be waiting for me on the _Archangel_or anywhere else. And she wasn't going to hear me say how much everything she had done, and all of the risks she had taken, ultimately meant to me.

The water inside the hangar might as well have been the barrier from Earth to heaven.

Murrue Ramius was dead.

* * *

The first thing I heard when I docked was that I was being summoned to the bridge. It was exactly what I had expected. Natarle was captain now, and she was going to give me what I deserved. Whether I was going to get busted down to Seaman, or be thrown in the brig, receive a tongue-lashing, or whatever else she had in mind for me, she was going to give it to me, right now, on the spot.

It hardly seemed to matter.

Everyone was staring at me as I walked out of the Strike. Flay stared at me as I changed into my regular uniform in the pilots' room. Various other people, some I knew, others I didn't, stared at me as I walked down the hallways towards the bridge.

Nobody said a word.

I don't think there was anything anyone could say to me.

Or maybe they _were _trying to talk to me and I was just ignoring them.

I was lost in my own little world.

When I finally made it to the bridge, it was only then that I felt an emotion besides this empty despair that had taken me over.

Fear.

I was not so completely gone that I wasn't afraid of Natarle Badgiruel.

Now the world truly did feel like it was about to end.

"Please. Come over here." Her voice was stern, no-nonsense, terse. She was clearly sitting in the captain's chair,_ Murrue Ramius_' chair, and I could not see her from my angle.

"Yes, ma'am." I walked over gingerly, as if Natarle would suddenly leap from the chair at any second, slam me into the ground, and put a pistol at my head.

I felt tears coming to my eyes again, and I bit back the urge to grovel. I would not grovel. It did not matter how pathetic I felt, I was not going to grovel to her. I was not going to beg for forgiveness or sob that I was sorry, or plead to keep my rank and GUNDAM privileges. I was not going to be that weak. Not in front of Badgiruel.

She finally stood up and looked at me with those cold violet eyes, just for a moment. Then she sighed and removed her officer's cap, wiping her brow. "God damn it, you look like a kicked puppy. Do I _really _scare you that much?"

"No. It's not that. It's . . . it's _everything_."

Badgiruel nodded. She walked over to me, and seemed to size me up. "You're not the only one who feels responsibility over what happened to Captain Ramius. I did everything short of seizing command to force her to stay on this ship but she wanted to find you personally. Perhaps that is what I should have done."

"I'm the one who fell into the stupid ocean. Everything that happened is my fault," I replied. I sniffed, and wiped my eyes before any tears could come from them. I was not going to cry. Not in front of _her_.

She hadn't earned the right to see me cry.

Badgiruel sighed again and walked a few pieces away, staring outside the windows, looking out at the clear blue sky and the ocean. "Time after time, Murrue Ramius made decisions I disagreed with. She was far too loose, in my opinion. But, time after time, what she did seemed to work, in some odd way. I didn't realize it until I became captain why her methods worked."

Badgiruel's hands clenched into fists and then they opened and relaxed again. "It's the only way to command this ship. When we have a language barrier with many of the people who were from Artemis. When we have so many civilians onboard who have gotten good at _pretending_ they're military but only that, pretending. When we rely on a _child _such as yourself to protect us all. This ship can't be commanded like a regular military vessel."

Another pause. "2nd Lieutenant, originally, I was going to scream at you. I was going to bust you down to Seaman and have you spend the night in the brig. But that wouldn't solve anything at all. You're still just a _child _and all I'd be doing is venting at you."

She walked back over to me. Despite her words, I didn't feel any relief at all, any loosening of the tension. I was just waiting for the ax to fall. I knew there had to be one. There was _always _one with her.

Badgiruel paused as she stood in front of me. "Are you going to keep standing there with that kicked-dog expression or are you going to say something?"

"I-I have nothing to say, ma'am," I replied.

Badgiruel just gave me a _look_. "God damn it, 2nd Lieutenant."

Then she walked up to me and embraced me.

The shock of such uncharacteristic behavior from Badgiruel was so much that the tears I had been trying to suppress spilled out in an instant. "I . . . wha?"

Badgiruel's words were in-character, at least, so it wasn't like I had dropped into a bizarro world. "Look, you need to cry. I get it. Let it out."

"B-But . . . uh . . ." My capability to talk was pretty much gone. I was still having trouble registering what had just happened.

"Look, you're a child, you need to cry, fine. Go ahead. Keeping it all in is just going to cause more problems later."

"I . . . I . . ." I finally couldn't keep it all in. I did.

What Badgiruel had given me was permission. Permission that I could falter for a few moments in her presence. I accepted it, and I cried into her shoulder for what seemed like forever.

After a while, Badgiruel started talking. "Now, 2nd Lieutenant, I need you to put yourself back together. We're not out of the woods yet."

I sniffed and rubbed my nose. "What do you mean?"

Badgiruel let go of me and looked at me right in the eye. "What Captain Ramius did was attack an Earth Alliance base. Right before you landed, I had already received a communication from the Earth Alliance demanding us to dock in the nearest port. You don't need to know the details, but essentially, we've committed treason. We're a rogue ship."

"What? Really? But what about everything that was going on there? Those experiments! Those kids! What they were going to do with _me_! They were going to _brainwash_me!"

"They don't care about any of that," Badgiruel said. "Essentially, we have five days to turn ourselves in to the nearest port, which is, incidentally, in Corregidor."

"Corregie-wha?"

"Corregidor. It's a small island in the Philippines, and a naval outpost for the Alliance that is the forefront of the Alliance's Pacific naval headquarters. Which, as you should know, is in the city of Manila, on the nearby, significantly _larger_, island of Luxon."

That information, useless and unknown to me, was dizzying by itself and I didn't want Badgiruel to continue. "Okay? What's your plan? Are we going there?"

Badgiruel sighed. "No. If I were to divert the ship away from Orb's direction, I'd face a mutiny. Also, committing treason in the Earth Alliance in wartime is considered worth the death penalty. We're not going there, I'm not stupid."

"The death penalty? I thought that the Earth Alliance outlawed the death penalty as part of its charter when it first formed. Everyone, the Atlantic Federation, East Asia, they had to sign it! That's part of the reason why Oceania never joined, because they refused to do away with the death penalty!"

"The death penalty can be reinstated in wartime if there is action considered treasonous, and Captain Ramius, because of her decision to open fire on the base in order to rescue you, committed a clearly treasonous action," Badgiruel replied. Her stern, serious, unwavering tone was getting on my nerves. I wanted Murrue's softer, more thoughtful inflection. Badgiruel always sounded like she was barking orders.

"This is stupid! She did that to save me!" I replied. "_They're _the ones committing the war crimes here! I don't see how-"

"They have the power," Badgiruel interrupted. "And that is what matters. Now you need to listen to me."

Great. More orders. Just what I wanted to hear. But I knew better than to show any sign of disobedience or questioning. Badgiruel was _not _Murrue. "Yes, ma'am?"

"We are going to pass through the Straight of Malacca in roughly two days," Badgiruel said. "We could come under assault not just from ZAFT forces from Carpentaria, but from the Alliance forces in the Philippines and what islands in the Indonesian islands that are still under Alliance control. I have terabytes of condemning, scandalous files in my possession and I _know _that Blue Cosmos or the Alliance under Blue Cosmos' orders will do everything possible to make sure the information is at the bottom of the ocean."

"What does this have to do with me, ma'am?" I asked.

"I need you to snap out of your doldrums, 2nd Lieutenant. You've had your cry, now you need to pull yourself together. You're the best hope we have of making it to the Orb Union. I know how strong you are, now show me some of that strength instead of your weakness. Got it?"

"I understand, ma'am." Part of it was knowing Badgiruel wouldn't accept "no" as an answer, and the other part was knowing she was right. In her cruel, upfront way, she was right.

"Good. You're dismissed. Get some rest. We'll hold a service for Captain Ramius tomorrow morning. After that, you'll be on full alert until we make it into Orb waters."

"All right. Thank you." I nearly turned to walk away, but then I remembered something Badgiruel had said earlier in the conversation.

"What about those files? What are you going to do with them?" I asked.

Badgiruel smiled, and it was the most devious smile I had ever seen in my life. "I'm going to leak them. Slowly but surely, in a deliberate attack pattern. The public is going to know what is seizing control of the Alliance, and they're not going to like it. Not one bit."

"And should I know anything about-"

"There is nothing in those files you should be concerned about, for your own good." Badgiruel had a good poker face _and_ poker voice, but she sounded just a _little_ defensive in her inflections. That pretty much confirmed that something involving _me _had been found in her files and she wasn't going to tell me what it could be.

Before I could reply, Badgiruel stopped me. "You're dismissed, 2nd Lieutenant. That's an order."

"All right, ma'am. See you later."

I walked out of the bridge, and into my new, Murrue Ramius-less reality.

My life more transformed and ever more mysterious than before.


	44. Awakening

Merry Christmas.

* * *

**Chapter Forty-Four: Awakening**

I don't remember any of the funeral service for Murrue Ramius. I know that sounds awful, but I really don't. I was completely lost in my own little world, staring into space. I just could not process what was happening, whether it was listening to Natarle Badgiruel eulogize my captain, or any of the honors or even just the recording of the trumpet playing some sad song that was likely "Taps", the Anno Domini "classic".

I just remember thinking about Murrue, and then trying _not _to think about her because that would just make me cry. Over and over and over, the cycle repeated itself, and I forced myself to forget only to recall something else. I can only regret that Murrue cared for me in a way that went deeper than captain and subordinate, and I never realized it until the day she was gone.

And now she was _dead _because of me. Badgiruel could volunteer to take responsibility as much as she wanted, but I couldn't let Badgiruel do that. If I hadn't gotten pulled onto that island in the first place, Murrue never would have needed to rescue me, and then she'd still be here. She'd still be alive.

Everything had changed.

After Murrue's funeral, I returned to my quarters and just sat down on my bed. Tori was in the room, and it flew to my shoulder, and I shooed it away with my hand. It just flapped to the dresser and sat down, looking at me quizzically. I didn't give it a second glance after I saw it cock its head to the side in confusion. A robotic pet didn't mean very much to me.

How long was the ship going to hold together under Badgiruel? Badgiruel, unlike Murrue, seemed to inspire only fear in everyone. When Murrue was here, people could act a little looser. But now?

And then there was the reality that we had become a rogue ship too. _Everyone _was going to come after us. The ZAFT would definitely launch an attack, they would view us as an easy mark since we had nowhere to run. And the Earth Alliance, if they could, would likely scramble who they could to try to kill us.

It was just an unsettling feeling.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Elle walked inside the room. "Cagalli?"

I didn't want to see her either. I didn't want to see anybody. But I couldn't lash out at Elle. Not her.

"Elle."

Elle walked to my bed and sat down next to me. "I heard . . . someone say Murrue died to save you, didn't she?"

"She did," I replied.

"She was . . . nice," Elle said.

"She was. Very nice," I replied.

"Are we going to be okay? Without her?" Elle asked.

I turned to look at her, and Elle's eyes were shimmering. She was scared, she was on the verge of crying, she was asking me for any kind of reassurance.

"Yes. We'll be okay," I replied.

"How?" Elle asked.

I felt something growing inside me in that moment. It felt like right before I saw the brown seed, but _different_. I was angry. I was sick and tired of the war. I was sick of killing people, and sick of seeing people die. I wanted the _Archangel _to make it to Orb so I could be done with this for good.

I didn't feel like crying anymore. All I could think about was how I had let Murrue down with my stupid mistakes and temper tantrums and ultimately failing to protect her and everyone else on this ship. I couldn't let that happen again. I had already almost died twice and had to be bailed out by someone else. And this second time, my rescuer had died in the process.

Damn it. I wasn't going to let that happen again. I wasn't going to lose anymore.

"I'll protect everyone," I said. "No one else dies."

I thought about Athrun and his squad of soldiers who seemed solely dedicated to destroying us. I didn't want to kill Athrun. He had saved my life when I was falling through the atmosphere. I would not be here if it wasn't for him.

But he and his squad were definitely going to make one more try at destroying us. I could not let him succeed. Even if it meant that he and the rest of his squad died to ensure that everyone else lived.

"No one else dies," I said.

I folded my hands to keep them from clenching up in front of Elle. She was just a kid. I didn't want to scare her.

But that effort wasn't enough. "Cagalli, don't talk like that, you're scaring me."

"I'm not trying to scare you. There's nothing to be scared _of_. We're all going to Orb. You're going to be safe. I don't care what gets in my way, or who tries to stop me, but this ship is making it to Orb without anyone else dying. I swear it."

"Cagalli, please! You're really scaring me!" Elle shook my shoulder hard and I turn to look at her.

That's when it hit me.

It was my voice. My voice had gotten low, dangerous. Of _course _that would scare her. And my choice of words. They suggested violence, anger, hatred. That would frighten her too.

I forced my voice to relax and soften despite how thin my nerves were. I did my very best to smile in the calmest, most gentle way I could. "I'm sorry, Elle."

I wrapped my arm around her and brought her close. "I'm sorry. I won't talk like that anymore."

"Please don't," Elle said.

"I won't."

After that, I forced myself to only think of gentle, beautiful things. They seemed so pointless to me, but it was the only way to keep that kind persona Elle needed to see from me.

And it just felt _wrong_. All of it.

I couldn't let myself believe that, though. If I let that happen, the Cagalli I had been would finally be eradicated and be replaced by this _soldier_. What would Elle, Tolle, or any of my friends think of me if I let that happen? They were scared of me already. I was already on the verge of losing them all.

I would be no better than Natarle Badgiruel if I let that happen to me. I didn't want to be like _her_. Friendless, calculating, brutal.

No. I couldn't let that happen.

Was I losing my capacity to care? Not from a holistic standpoint. Like how I wanted to get close to people, love them, laugh with them.

I couldn't figure out how to stop that from happening.

I spent the whole day with Elle, talking with her, smiling, playing some stupid games with Elle's cat. Elle looked up to me a lot, smiling, and I kept up that kind face. I think I even believed in it for a while. But it just wasn't me.

I had no idea what I was anymore.

I just knew what I didn't want to be, even though I kept edging in that direction.

I didn't want to be Natarle Badgiruel.

I was not going to wind up like _her_.

* * *

"They're getting pretty bad."

That's what Jacqueline told us in the lobby outside sick bay. The Extended had been kept isolated from all of the other wounded onboard, given their own rooms.

It had been just two days since I had escaped from the base. Just one day after Murrue Ramius' memorial service. I wasn't ready to face this. To watch the children I rescued start to die.

I had promised myself that no one else would die. How I was going to maintain it if Sting, Auel, and Stellar were all to die, with us helpless to stop it?

"What our their symptoms?" Natarle Badgiruel asked.

Jacqueline shakes her head. "It reminds me of drug addicts after they quit cold turkey. They're feverish, sweating. I think the blue-haired one has turned delusional, he's screaming all the time and he's convulsing on and off. Not quite like he's having seizures, but close. The girl is almost as bad. The only one who seems to have any hope of recovery is the green-haired boy."

Just like Joan had predicted. Sting was the only one capable of pulling through. Auel and Stellar were fading fast.

"What are they screaming about?" Badgiruel asked.

"With the blue-haired boy, it seems to happen every time I mention the word 'mother'," Jacqueline says. "He then begins thrashing around and we had to restrain him, and then we restrained the others just to be safe. The girl just seems to be crying for this 'Joan'. The blue-haired boy too, when he's calmer."

Also just like Joan had predicted. The accuracy of Joan's predictions were uncanny. It just made me wonder about the true nature of the Extended, and what they exactly were.

Badgiruel sighed and she looked at me. "You brought them here. You have any idea how to help? 'Cause if you don't, I don't want these kids to suffer for much longer."

"They had a leader," I replied. "Her name was Joan. She said that the two kids, Auel and Stellar, imprinted on her."

"Imprinted?" Jacqueline's eyes widen. "Like a baby bird does with its mother?"

"That's not what Joan said but at this point I wouldn't be surprised if it was like that," I said.

"Damn it," Badgiruel growled.

"Joan told me there was a way to change the imprintment," I said. "Someone needs to take Joan's place in their minds. Not Sting's, he wasn't imprinted on her or anyone."

Badgiruel scoffed. "How does that help exactly?"

"Joan said it might give Auel and Stellar enough will to pull through their pain from the drug withdrawal," I said. "The Extended are not like us, ma'am. Joan said they were a 'new type' of human being. I don't know what's different about them, but they seem to have some kind of ESP."

Badgiruel facepalmed. "Give me a goddamn break."

"I'm just going by what Joan told me," I said.

Badgiruel shook her head. "All right. It doesn't really contradict any of the information I've read so far. It's just difficult to believe. Doctor Grumman, is there any chance _you _could try to let one of the children imprint on you, however it's possible?"

Jacqueline's blue eyes stared blankly. "Really?"

"I don't have any better ideas. It's either that or we euthanize them," Badgiruel said, her voice sharp. "I will not have these children slowly die in agony on my ship, Doctor. Either do this 'imprintment' or-"

"I'll do it," I said, surprising myself in the process.

Badgiruel spun to look at me. "Ensign?"

"I'll have the girl, Stellar, imprint on me," I said. "She kind of looks like me anyway. If she starts looking up to me like a sister it wouldn't look strange to people who wouldn't know."

I didn't know what possessed me to say that. Maybe it was my promise? Or maybe it was Stellar's uncanny resemblance to me, with just enough differences in her face and body that she couldn't be my clone. Or, finally, it was just Joan entrusting the Extended to me. I'd be letting Joan down if I let Auel and Stellar die.

"Fine," Badgiruel sighed. "Grumman, have the boy imprint on you. He seems to want a mother anyway. There's a place to start."

"What do you mean, 'a place to start'?" Jacqueline asks, her eyes fearful and confused at the same time.

"I don't know! Act maternal or something to the stupid boy!" Badgiruel shouted.

Jacqueline just looked away. "I don't even know where to start with that."

"Well, figure it out. That's an order," Badgiruel said.

"M-Maybe we should ask the third child? S-Sting Oakley," Jacqueline says, clearly terrified. "He might have some idea of what to do."

"Then do that," Badgiruel says. "Ensign, if you don't figure out how to make the Stellar girl imprint on you within an hour, I'm finding a substitute. I still need you on full alert, I can't have you wasting your time in sick bay."

"Yes, ma'am," I replied.

Badgiruel scoffed and walked away shaking her head. She was clearly dismayed at what was happening, and had no idea how to stop it. She had to feel completely powerless.

"What the hell do _we _do?" Jacqueline asked me.

"Ask Sting. That's all I have," I replied.

Jacqueline just groaned.

* * *

Sting looked like hell, but he at least recognized us. "You know, brilliant idea on springing us out of there, Cagalli. No wait, that was _Stellar's_ idea. Remind me to kick her ass once I'm outta here. This . . . this whole thing just . . . just completely, totally, _sucks_."

"She won't be alive to have her ass kicked unless we can figure out how to help her," I replied.

Sting groaned, not from pain, but from dismay. "Damn it. It's not that hard! I've seen it happen myself!"

"We never saw 'it' happen, Sting," Jacqueline replies. "Both of your friends are fading fast. I'm sure they will begin going into seizures soon."

"Ah, seizures. Lovely things to see, aren't they," Sting growls. "Especially Stellar's. Girls moaning are hot."

I'm sure he was saying that just to piss me off because he felt miserable himself. I didn't care, though. I just whacked him on his sweaty head and made _him _moan for a second.

"Yeah, I deserved that," Sting groaned.

"How can we get them to imprint on us so they have a chance to live?" I asked as I wiped my hand on one of Sting's sheets.

Sting just shook his head. "You're going to have to convince them that you care for them. You need to make them think of you as family, and convince them to let go of Joan and latch onto _you _instead. Like a sister or mother. Shouldn't be too hard for Stellar, she got convinced like six or seven times at the base. Auel is the one who'll be tough. He was with Joan a lot longer than Stellar was."

"_Wunderbar_," Jacqueline grumbles.

"That simple, huh?" I ask.

"Pretty much," Sting groans.

"Then that's what I'm going to do. Thanks," I said as I stood up.

"You sure you're ready for this?" Sting asked as I was about to reach the door.

"Yes," I said.

Sting just chuckled. "Well then, there's nothing else to say. Good luck to the both of ya."

I should've stayed, and questioned Sting further, especially on the cryptic way he left off. If I had, I would've known what I was getting into. I could've had someone else, someone older, someone more prepared for the consequences, take my place. There is no way I would've let what did happen, well, _happen_to me if I had known.

Or, at least, I could've enjoyed a few more minutes of my life.

It just never occurred to me that when I would enter Stellar's room, I would exit the room _different_.

Why would it?

It was just supposed to be an imprintment procedure.

I never thought of the consequences to myself.

And the consequences were enormous. Far greater than I ever thought.

* * *

Stellar was restrained by three brown belts, wrapped around her chest, stomach, and legs. Two smaller brown belts were wrapped around her wrists. Like she was an insane mental patient. Her mouth was clenched, and she was trying her best to twist and turn, like she was caught in a horrific nightmare. She was sweating worse than Sting was, her hair and pillow were both soaked, and every breath she took came out as a low, pained moan, like it hurt just to breathe.

She was looked up to an IV, that was putting fluid into her so she wouldn't become completely dehydrated. But the fluid was a poor substitute for the zillions of drugs that had likely been pumped into her daily at the Blue Cosmos island base. It wasn't going to be enough to save her.

As I leaned over her bed, Stellar's eyes opened slowly. "J-Joan?"

"It's Cagalli," I said.

"C-Cagalli?" Stellar closed her eyes and let out a soft cry of a pain. "C-Cagalli, where . . ." She swallows. "Where is Joan?"

"Joan didn't make it," I said softly.

"No," Stellar moaned. "No. No. No. Not Joan. I need her."

She was starting to get more frantic. I reached over and grabbed her left hand. "Stellar. I need you to focus. Joan's not going to be here for you anymore. I will be."

"C-Cagalli?"

"I'll be here for you from now on, Stellar," I said, gripping her disgustingly sweaty hand the best I could while still trying to look into her eyes. "I'm here for you. You can trust me, Stellar."

"T-Trust you? I don't . . ." Stellar's teeth clenched as she suppressed another cry of pain.

"That's right. I need you to trust me. I'm here for you."

"I . . . I don't u-understand. Joan . . . I need Joan!"

Hearing that made me want to kick Stellar's ass for being so obtuse, but I forced the emotions down. Stellar moaned as I suppressed the aggressive anger I had felt, and it took me a moment to remember that Stellar had ESP. She could sense that I was getting angry with her, and she didn't know what she was doing wrong. So she was getting frightened and confused, and that wasn't going to help me save her.

It reminded me of Elle from the day before.

"Stellar," I said, in the kindest voice I could muster, "I saved you from the base, remember? You're on the ship. We're taking you to safety."

"Safety?"

"That's right. You're going to be safe. You're going to live a wonderful, peaceful life, Stellar," I said. "Come on. Don't let this beat you. You're stronger than this."

"C-Cagalli, I . . ." Stellar's teeth clenched again and she let out another cry.

"Stellar, look at me in the eyes!" I pleaded.

Stellar's eyes re-opened, and I forced myself not to look away.

Her eyes, similar in eerie ways to my own, were desperate, begging. Stellar was sensing that she was dying, and she didn't know _why_. She just wanted Joan, and Joan wasn't here.

With my other hand, my right, I reached over and rubbed her cheek. It was an awkward position, my left hand holding Stellar's left while I was doing that, testing the absolute range of my wingspan, and it made both of my arms ache in their sockets in seconds. But I didn't know what else to do.

"Stellar," I said, removing my left hand from Stellar's before my arms felt like they were going to rip right off, "I've gotten you this far. The rest of this is up to you. You need to live, Stellar. You can't die here."

"D-Die?" Stellar's eyes widened.

Damn it. I'm such an idiot.

"Stellar, don't do this to me! That's not what's going to happen here! I won't let you die, understand? I'm here for you!"

"I won't . . . I won't die?"

I was _seriously _going to destroy all of Blue Cosmos for messing with this girl and all of those other kids so much. "No. You won't. You won't. I'll protect you. I'll be like your big sister, okay?"

"B-Big sister?" That seemed to trigger something in Stellar, as her pupils suddenly began to widen, like they were dilated.

I had no idea what was happening, and whether it was good or bad, but it seemed to suggest _something_. I had to take the risk and hope it was a _good_thing, like Stellar was ready to imprint. "That's right. I'll be your big sister, okay, Stellar? I'll keep you safe. I'll always keep you safe."

"B-Big sister . . . Cagalli," Stellar mumbled, and then she twitched in her bed, like she was trying to get up and break out of her restraints, but the restraints held and she felt back into bed.

"That's right. Big sister Cagalli. That's me," I said as calm as I could.

Stellar just responded to that by crying out.

Was she seizing up? Should I call for Jacqueline to get in here? I didn't know what to do. Was this normal?

I sensed pressure in the room all of a sudden. No. Not in the room. My body didn't feel any different.

It was all in my _head_.

What was Stellar doing?

"Big sister Cagalli," Stellar moaned as her head thrashed back and forth.

"That's right," I managed to say, wondering whether I should run for my life or stay here.

Suddenly, Stellar's head centered on the pillow, and she opened her eyes, and all I could see were her pupils, like her irises had vanished from existence.

"Cagalli," was all she said.

And then it was like a needle went right into my brain.

Everything became white.

Then black.

Then I felt cold.

Then I felt pain. Lots of it. All in my head. Like a migraine. No. Worst than a migraine. I could hardly open my eyes, everything was so bright.

I felt warmth.

So much warmth, a beautiful radiance so close by.

Why? Why did I feel warm when my body wanted to shiver like it was cold?

It didn't make sense.

And the pain . . . it wasn't lessening. I could feel my hands grab my head in a vain effort to stop the pain, but it wasn't helping at _all_.

The comforting warmth seemed to reach out to me. Like it was asking if I was okay.

How did I know this?

I thought I heard a voice. Distant. I forced my eyes open, and all I could see were blurs, but I could tell that I was staring at the underside of a hospital bed, and I was on the floor.

The pain in my head lessened, just enough that everything didn't look so bright.

I reached my hand to the top of the bed, and forced myself to try to stand up. That just made the pain worse all over again. I felt so many things, all in my head, that didn't make sense. I sensed fear and pain close by, along with another beacon of warmth. I sensed something dark, but not evil, also close by. More like a malicious amusement.

How was I feeling this?

I staggered to my feet and instead leaned against the wall, trying to ignore the sensations I was feeling.

The warmth. The warmth was to my left. So close by.

I turned my head, and there was Stellar, staring at me, still sweating but giving me the sweetest smile I had ever seen in my life.

The warmth turned into a blaze, and I felt myself being wrapped up in it, like it was a blanket. It gave me comfort, and dulled the pain in my head, and I just wanted to be lost in it even though I couldn't understand it.

That's when it hit me.

_Stellar _was the warmth.

What I was feeling . . . had to be her trust. And her love.

How did I know this? What just happened?

Stellar had clearly _done _something to me. What it was, I didn't know, and I couldn't understand.

No. I knew. I just didn't want to admit it.

"Stellar?" I asked.

"Big sister Cagalli," she said.

She didn't need to say anything else. The warmth felt so strong. It was pulling me towards her. She was alive. She had pulled through her withdrawal, and now she was asking me to free her from her restraints. They weren't needed anymore.

The warmth felt so wonderful that I _wanted _to free her. I could not bring myself even to question my actions.

I ran around the bed, undoing all of the restraints one by one, until Stellar could finally sit up on her bed. It was only then that I realized what I had done, but I didn't feel like I had done anything wrong at all.

"Stellar," I said.

Stellar stood up, and looked at me with that same adoring, honest smile. Tears were forming in her eyes. "Thank you, Cagalli."

The raw joy I felt from her brought tears to my own eyes. I didn't feel like I was dying inside anymore. It was like Stellar reaching out to me was comforting me, healing me.

I ran up to her and hugged her, and she returned the embrace instantly. I don't know how long we were locked together like that in that room, but the swell of emotion I felt from Stellar was so amazing that I was afraid to let it end. The emotion made _me _feel happy. I didn't want to let it go. I needed this. I needed this happiness as long as possible.

"What did you do to me?" I finally asked.

"You're my big sister now," Stellar replied.

"What am I feeling?" I asked.

"Everything. You're like me now. My big sister _should _be like me, right?"

In anything but her happy, innocent tone of voice, those words would be eerie, condemning, horrifying, like she had somehow gotten control over me. But it didn't feel that way to me at all. I just felt . . . _connected_.

"What happens now?" I finally asked.

Stellar giggled, yes, _giggled _next to me, and I found it endearing for some odd reason. "Whatever we want. We're going to be safe, right, Cagalli?"

I found myself giggling too. I just felt so wonderful in that moment that I didn't care how girlish I was acting. "That's right. We're going to be safe. All of us."

I held my new little sister tighter, and it was like we were one gigantic fire, warming up the whole room. "We're all going to be safe."

For the first time in a long time, I really believed in myself. I believed in what I was saying.

"We're all going to be safe, Stellar."

* * *

Gundam SEED: Bloodlines will resume regular updates in January/February 2013.

My previous fic, Gundam SEED Kismet, which I mentioned in the first chapter, I've opted to label a deadfic as I cannot bring myself to finish it. I've folded a couple of the plotlines into the Bloodlines universe.

And yes, Cagalli has gone Newtype. I'm surprised people didn't pick up on the Extended=Newtype hints from previous chapters.


	45. Sweet Emotion

I apologize for the long wait, guys. I still have not worked out a consistent posting day for this fic, but once I work it out there should be weekly or biweekly updates until the end of Part 2. My buffer's far enough ahead to allow that.

Anyway, this is a bit of a slow chapter, but the action will heat up again soon, I promise!

* * *

**Chapter Forty-Five: Sweet Emotion**

"Okay," Kuzzey said to me the next day. "Did you just turn lesbian all of a sudden or what?"

That would be marginally amusing if five other men hadn't told me the _exact same thing_ before I approached my friends with Stellar right next to me.

"No, I haven't," I replied. "Don't be a wise guy right now."

"Why won't anyone tell me what a 'lesbian' is?" Stellar asked me.

"Don't worry about it," I said. I was getting used to what I was feeling, it was like my emotions could be moved around myself like an invisible aura I could control. I could send Stellar the feelings of reassurance without having to say anything at all.

"I'm honestly kinda shocked she's up and moving so soon. I heard she was dying," Miriallia said.

"Dying?" Stellar gasped. Oh, not again.

I squeezed Stellar's hand, just a little, and she calmed down when I sent her more reassuring feelings. It was going to take a lot of work to get Stellar to overcome this problem of hers. I could tell already.

"Please don't say that word around Stellar," I said. "She doesn't like it very much."

"Considering her eyes widened to the size of car rims I think that's pretty obvious," Kuzzey replied.

Stellar cocked her head to the side. "Isn't that physically impossible?"

Kuzzey slammed his head into the table he was sitting at. "Don't tell me she can't take a joke."

"Jokes are words, aren't they?" Stellar asked. "How can I take them? It's not like I can hold them in my hand."

It was getting _really_ clear that Stellar didn't have much concept of human conversation. Stellar's weakness was just taking things way too literally, without allowing for any flexibility. This included the concept of death. She could not tolerate the mention of it, because she took it as a threat on her life.

I refused to give her any frustration. Truthfully, with Stellar around, I felt better than I had in weeks. Or even before I crashed into the desert. She was just so _happy_, nothing could bring her down other than the mention of death. It was infectious. I wasn't going to let anyone take her happiness away, or take mine away either.

"Stellar," I said. "There's a lot that you're gonna have to learn about the world outside that facility. We're going to be teaching you how to interact with people."

"'We'?" Miriallia asked. "Who's this 'we'?"

"You guys!" I said cheerfully.

They all stared at me blankly. Finally, Kuzzey raised his hand. "Not it."

"Come on! It's not like Stellar's gonna hurt anybody! Just don't mention the 'd' word and everything will go fine!" I said.

"Yeah . . . that's gonna be hard, considering we're on a _warship_ and stuff," Kuzzey said.

"I think Kuzzey is pretty much right on this one," Tolle added, making my heart sink. "We . . . we don't have any clue what's going on here. Including why you two are suddenly attached to each other."

How . . . how could I explain this to them? That whatever Stellar had done to me, it had stopped her from dying? That she _needed_ someone to bond to in order to live? And, in a way, it felt like she had saved me too. I don't know what was happening to me before Stellar did . . . did whatever she did, but I was beginning to fall apart, that much I was pretty sure of. I felt like my old self all of a sudden, with Stellar looming right next to me, the warmth I was feeling soothing all of my internal pain.

But if I said that to them, that would just isolate them from me, because . . . because they would think I was_not like them_ anymore. And that wasn't true. Something got _added_ to me, sure, but it wasn't like I've turned into some creature or angel or demon all of a sudden. I was still human. A Coordinator, sure, plus whatever Stellar did to me, but still a human being!

So I did the only thing I could do. Evade the details. "It was how I saved Stellar's life. It's . . . it's hard to explain, especially without the 'd' word, but if I didn't bond with her, she was in danger."

"Are . . . are you talking about-"

I stopped Stellar before she said "die" or "death" on her own accord and freak herself out. "No, I'm not. It's okay. It's just hard to explain."

"Oh." Stellar gave me the confused puppy expression again. "I don't see what's so hard."

How could I make her understand that I don't want to freak out my friends without saying that? I knew I should've rehearsed this with Stellar beforehand, but I had been walking on air since it happened. I just didn't account for it.

And I knew there had to be a catch with this, too. I just didn't know what it was, yet, being like Stellar, Auel, and Sting with this ESP-type of ability, being a "new type of human being". The catch of being a Coordinator was that many Coordinators had trouble having children with each other, particularly second and third-generation Coordinators. You could be effectively sterile, and the only way to have children was with a Natural if at all. The resulting child would still be a Coordinator, but Coordinators of a Coordinator/Natural couple tended to be looked down upon in PLANT society.

But there's no way this ESP didn't come without a catch. Auel and Stellar had tenuous grips on sanity, and Sting, while he seemed sane, was sardonic and cynical. It's true that the brutal conditioning and survival battles of the Extended program probably were the cause, but ESP can't really help. I was thinking that you could feel your friend's agony as he or she died. That was what I was afraid of.

If I concentrated, I could feel my friends. It wasn't like with Stellar, what I sensed wasn't as strong, probably because they were normal and hadn't had Stellar effectively transforming their brains or whatever she did. As I sensed them, I felt a brief wave of envy wash over me. I still wanted to be like them. I was afraid I had crossed some sort of road from where they were, and the barrier was one-way, I could not return, I could only make them come with me.

Realizing _that_ brought thoughts of mind-control and zombie apocalypse to my mind and I squashed the thoughts. I wasn't going to do any "converting". And if Stellar could do it to anyone else, not just to the person she was bonding with, I wasn't going to let her. I had been altered against my will, and that was enough.

"Stellar, please. Let's have this conversation some other time," I said.

Stellar nodded, smiling. "Okay!"

I finally let go of her hand and walked over to the others. Kuzzey and Sai both seemed to tense up, and I did the mature thing: I made a face at them and put my hands in zombie-limp mode. "Booga booga, gimme your brains."

Kuzzey laughed nervously, Sai just frowned. "It's not funny, Cagalli."

"God, tough crowd." I look at Miriallia and Tolle, and both also looked uneasy.

"Look, it's not like I've been assimilated into something or another and I'm suddenly gonna turn into a hideous monster and assimilate you guys too after eatin' ya or something gross. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm getting some slop to eat before I see Elle, okay?"

"Why do you wanna eat slop?" Stellar asked.

"I'm making a sarcastic joke, Stellar. I'm am _definitely_ gotta help you with that," I replied.

"I don't want help with 'sarcasm'. Sarcasm seems mean," Stellar said innocently.

"Just . . . just come with me. You clearly need help in the social skills department." I grabbed her by the arm and led her to the small line of crew waiting to be served.

I just faintly heard Kuzzey. "It's always those who claim they aren't gonna kill us that kill us. Remember that movie-"

Then I heard Tolle. "This isn't a horror movie, Kuzzey. And I know Cagalli."

"Do you?" Miriallia asked. "It's just freaking me out that she's acting like her old self all of a sudden."

"She got rewrote or something. And then she's gonna rewrite us all too," Kuzzey said.

"Listen to yourself, Kuzzey," Tolle groaned.

"You should not have said that," Kuzzey warned. "You'll be next now!"

Even Sai, who was clearly still mad at me judging by what I felt from him, couldn't take that one seriously. "Kuzzey, right now, I'll take old Cagalli even if it seems weird over the Cagalli we've been stuck with since she got rescued from Tassill, okay? Let's just leave it at that."

"You guys can all be assimiliated. She ain't getting me," Kuzzey said with finalty.

"You _are_ aware Cagalli probably heard all of that," Miriallia said.

"You think so?" Kuzzey asked. I look over at Kuzzey just as he turned to look at me.

"Yeah, I did," I reply. "And this is for you, Kuzzey, old buddy, for being so confident in my non-zombieness."

I flipped him off.

Finally, everyone laughed. And I just smiled. Figured it would take a rude gesture to prove my humanity or whatever.

Probably says something about humanity as a whole, but I didn't care. It was nice to not feel alone. It was nice to feel like I wasn't falling apart. Stellar's warmth was like a blanket I could wrap myself in, and it made me feel warm too. Warm and secure and solid as a rock.

As long as I had that, I felt like I could do anything.

And I felt like I could escape the war, too.

* * *

"This room is getting crowded," Flay groaned as I brought Stellar into my room later that day.

"Look, Elle sleeps with me so it's not like the bed under you is ever used," I replied. "Stellar can sleep under you and Miriallia sleeps above me and Elle like always."

"Why does Elle sleep with you?" Stellar asked.

"Because she's a young girl who feels safer if she sleeps with the person protecting her. She like thinks of me like a big sister," I replied. I hadn't introduced Elle to Stellar yet, I had spent a couple of hours away from Stellar just to prove I didn't have to be stuck to her like glue, and spent those hours with Elle, and felt perfectly fine. So it's not like Stellar or I were going to fall into despair or something just because we were separated. That was nice to know. That wasn't the catch.

"Oh, like she's family?" Stellar asked.

"Exactly," I said. It was hard to bring up what happened to Elle's mother, who had been murdered on this ship, a murder that remained unresolved. I wasn't sure if it was ever going to be resolved. A part of me still thought it was Flay, but last I checked the primary suspect was still Miriallia, whose alibi had come off as suspicious to Natarle Badgiruel. But ultimately there was just no way to prove who had done it. There wasn't even a motive.

"She doesn't have a mother or father waiting for her when we get back home," I said, hoping to both lessen the blow for Stellar and also trying to avoid saying one of the dreaded "d" words. "I promised her I would take care of her until we make it back home, and then I hope my parents will take over. They're nice people. I'm sure they won't mind adopting Elle. They adopted _me_ after all."

Thinking of my parents brought hope to me. After everything, we were almost to Orb. Just a week or so away, maybe, if no one else attacked us. Finally, I was going to make it back home. And . . .

I wanted to see them so much. They _were_ my parents. They were the ones who loved me, and I was going to love them too. I just hoped they didn't mind me bringing Elle and Stellar along.

Elle _and_ Stellar? That was right, I had _two_ people attached to me somehow. And Stellar was psychologically damaged too.

Just to drive my thoughts register even more, Stellar voiced what I had been thinking. "Do you think your parents could adopt me too? I . . . I'd like to have a family."

"Spare me," Flay groaned from her bunk.

I knew why Flay was saying that. It wasn't like she had any family to come home too. I wouldn't be surprised if she went right to the Orb military after coming home, she had become a pilot and Orb was always needing pilots from what I knew.

I knew I was done with the military and fighting the moment we docked, though. I was going to go right back into college and let the war pass me by like nothing happened. The only proof that this whole thing had happened to me would be my memories and having Elle in my parents' care. Though I was probably going to have to change majors. If the Earth Alliance considered me a war criminal or deserter, I'm not going to be welcome in Earth Alliance territory. That doesn't make international relations exactly a wise major.

But Flay? She had nowhere else to go. The Orb military would take her in a heartbeat. Flay had battle experience, which made her even more valuable. Orb had avoided warfare for so long that the only officials who had fought in war were senior officers. The grunts, most noncommissioned, and the lower-ranked commissoned officers had never fought in war unless they had emigrated from another country.

And they'd want me for the same reason.

I forced myself to ignore Flay and keep my attention focused on Stellar. "We'll see, Stellar, okay? I hope so. You're different than Elle, though."

"I don't understand," Stellar replied.

"Well . . . it's kind of hard to explain," I said.

"I don't want to be alone anymore," Stellar replied. She wasn't crying, her words were coming out firmly, like a declaration. "I want to be part of a family, Cagalli. I want to be safe. Without a family, I don't know if I can be safe."

"Huh," Flay grunted from her bunk. "Kinda odd how you think the same things I do, and you've got a screwed-up head."

Stellar looked at Flay. "What is wrong about what I am asking for? Everything I can remember is death . . ."

She bit her lip. "Death. Death. Death."

"Stellar," I grabbed her and made her face me. "Don't do this to me. You're safe, okay? No one's attacking us, no one's attacking you. Okay?"

"Sorry," Stellar mumbled softly.

"See what I mean that you got a screwed-up head, Stellar? You can't hear those words without freaking out. How can anyone talk to you if they're gonna be scared that you're gonna freak out on them?" Flay asked.

Stellar just looked down. "I don't want to be screwed up. I just want to be safe. Does that make me screwed up?"

Well . . . at least Stellar knew what "screwed up" means. She wasn't completely oblivious to common terms. That was a good start.

"No, it doesn't make you screwed up, Stellar," I replied. "It's the way you're reacting to us using certain words even when you're not in danger."

Stellar bit her lip. "Say them to me."

"Huh?"

"Say them. Say them all. I won't freak out. I won't," Stellar said, her arms trembling.

"Oh, this is gonna be fun," Flay groaned.

"Please," Stellar said, with her piercing brown eyes, similar, yet just a _little_ different from my own. It was truly like gazing at a little sister.

"All right. Die. Death. Dying," I fired right at her.

Stellar's eyes widened, and she grabbed head. "No. No. I'm not . . . I'm not gonna . . ."

"She's gonna blow," Flay said knowingly from the bunk.

"I'm not!" Stellar shouted. "Say them again!"

"Kill. Killing. Death. Die. Dying," I said, watching Stellar beginning to convulse as she backed up towards the closed hallway door, grabbing her head.

"I won't!" Stellar snarled, seemingly at herself. "I can take it! I can take it! I'm safe! I'm not gonna die!"

She fell to her knees, and it became obvious that she was drenched in sweat. "Just words . . . just words . . ."

She looked up at me. "Again."

"Stellar, you're already soaked in sweat. No," I replied.

"Please-"

"Stellar, this is something that needs to be practiced gradually!" I replied. "You can't just get over it in a couple of minutes!"

"Who says I can't?" Stellar asked.

Great. She's turned rebellious on me too. And she wanted to go again. She genuinely wanted to. I could sense her determination. This was all she's going to be thinking about for the next few days, getting past her block words, overriding them so she could stomach to hear them.

This would've been a good thing if I wasn't worried she was going to wind up killing someone, like, say, _me_, in the process.

Thankfully, at that moment Elle walked inside, Miriallia behind her. "Cagalli?" Elle asked.

"Elle!" I walked over to her. "Thank for keeping an eye on her, Miri. I'm going to introduce her to Stellar right now."

"Stellar?" Elle asked. At the sound of her name, Stellar turned around to look at Elle.

Elle gave Stellar a confused look. "She kinda looks like you, Cagalli, except her hair's a little poofier or something."

Stellar blushed at that. "Everyone says I look like Cagalli."

"Well, you don't sound like Cagalli," Elle says. "Cagalli almost sounds like a guy. You actually sound like a girl."

_Gee, thanks, Elle. I thought we were past the point where you'd say I sound like a guy._ I brushed it off though, I couldn't lose my temper, especially at Elle, in this moment. Not if I wanted Stellar and Elle to get off on the right foot.

Stellar's blush became a little more obvious. "Uh, thank you? Isn't that what I'm supposed to sound like? I have . . . I have girl stuff-"

"Stellar, too much information," I interrupted. "Anyway, Stellar, this is Elle. She's going to be part of my family soon, I hope."

Stellar looked down at Elle. "Oh wow."

Then a big smile broke out across her face. "So . . . if I become part of your family too, she's going to be like a little sister?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Yay!" Stellar ran up to Elle and picked Elle up, and she began twirling around in a circle, Elle in her arms. "I'm gonna have a family! I'm gonna have a family!"

"Put me _dooooooooown_!" Elle wailed, clearly dizzy.

Stellar laughed in pure joy as Elle yelled that, and she set Elle down in the next moment. "I want to be your big sister too, Elle! I want to have fun with you and, and . . . I don't know what else!"

"Okay . . ." Elle moaned.

I guessed that it was as good of a start to the relationship as I could've hoped for.

* * *

"I pray that your pretty little head hasn't ascended to some higher plane of serenity or something," Badgiruel growled at me that night. "I need you ready to fight at a moment's notice. I've let you have most of the day off but tomorrow I need you ready to go. We don't know who's going to come after us or when."

"You're really sure that we're gonna be attacked," La Flaga replied.

"Aren't you?" Badgiruel asked.

"Yeah," La Flaga sighed.

Badgiruel put her hand on the captain's chair. We were meeting on the bridge, all of the commissioned officers, which included Flay, but she had been silent the whole time, just listening, or perhaps _pretending_ to be listening.

"We're deserters now," Badgiruel said. "I'm not going to blame Captain Ramius for what she did. It's clear to me that something evil was happening within that facility. And we have proof of the misdeeds in Stellar Louissier, Auel Neider, and Sting Oakley, not to mention all of the data I procured during the battle."

Her free hand clenched into a fist. "But . . . Captain Ramius' decision means that there will be no survival for us unless we make it to Orb. We cannot surrender, you understand? The Earth Alliance has reinstated the death penalty for deserters. I have no plans on dying until this information is out in the open, when it is impossible for the Earth Alliance to suppress it."

"I'm not sure if regular Earth Alliance is even aware of it," La Flaga said. "It seemed to be Blue Cosmos-related to me."

"Blue Cosmos is absorbing more and more power in the Earth Alliance as we speak," Badgiruel replied. "Soon they could be close to indistinguishable. There's no contemporary comparison, so let me use the best historical one, Blue Cosmos is becoming to the Earth Alliance what the SS became to the National Socialist Party in Germany during World War II in the Anno Domini era."

"The SS?" Flay asked.

"They were a legion of fanatics fighting for their political party and ideology more than for their country," I replied.

"Sounds like the ZAFT with PLANT," Flay replied.

"I know that," Badgiruel replied. "What I'm saying is that the Earth Alliance is starting to go in the same direction. And if they start truly losing the war, they could get desperate."

"They're already getting desperate," I said. "That Extended place is proof that they've been desperate since before the war."

Which was true. The accounts of the three Extended we rescued pretty much said they had been stuck in there for at least a decade or so. This was not something Blue Cosmos thought of overnight. It was something they planned, likely in reaction to something PLANT was doing, and whatever PLANT was doing was in response to something the Earth Alliance was doing. It's just a vicious cycle with everything escalating until something explodes.

Badgiruel glares at me. She clearly disagrees. "That facility is _not_ 'desperate'. Too much thought was put into it to be 'desperate'. You want to know what 'desperate' is? What we're doing right now, that's what, Lieutenant Yamato. We're just _hoping_ that Orb will provide us with shelter and exile because there's nowhere else for us to go. I don't even think the Junk Guild will take us in."

The Junk Guild was a loosely organized group of vagrants that stripped technology off of fallen machinery and sold it, often on the black market. They weren't necessarily evil, and the enemies they fought most of the time tended to be mercenaries or other members of the Guild. They were mostly annoyances to the Earth Alliance and PLANT, and if a member of the Junk Guild got in either's way he or she was basically swatted like a bug.

And, unfortunately, Badgiruel was right. The Junk Guild wouldn't take us in. We'd attract way too much attention to their organization.

So our only hope, our only chance, was in neutral Orb.

That meant we _were_ desperate. And that Badgiruel was right.

"I want you all ready. We're going to be passing close to the ZAFT Carpentaria base in a couple of days. That will be ZAFT's last, best chance to get us. All of you, be ready for that," Badgiruel said.

Badgiruel sighed then. "I have nothing else to say besides orders. But we're getting too relaxed here and I don't like it. La Flaga, double the hours of Allster's training."

"_What_?" Flay cried.

"Are you arguing with your superior officer, Ensign?" Badgiruel asked.

Flay stared.

"Until it's officially otherwise, we are still Earth Alliance _soldiers_," Badgiruel replied. "We may be rogues but we're still part of their military. Don't forget that, Ensign Allster."

Flay looked down, muttering something.

"All right, I'll get on that," La Flaga replied awkwardly, scratching his head.

"Good." Badgiruel looked at _me_ then. "As for you, Lieutenant Yamato . . . I've let you keep your head in the proverbial clouds for far too long. I want you to meet with Petty Officer Athha first thing tomorrow morning and perfect the Strike's O.S. the best you and he possibly can. Our next battle will likely be our last one . . . and possibly be our most vicious, depending on how much ZAFT decides to throw our way."

"Yes, ma'am," I replied. I know better than to argue, especially after seeing Badgiruel put Flay in her place.

"Thank you." Badgiruel turned around and looked outside. "Let's see if we can make it to Orb without anyone else dying."

I could agree with _that_ sentiment.

_No one else dies,_ I thought.

It was a vow I was going to take with me for the rest of my days on this ship, a vow I was going to fulfill.

Even if it meant taking it to my grave.


	46. Unity

It's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Breather/filler chapter to ease people back into things. Next chapter will have the battle.

* * *

**Chapter Forty-Six: Unity**

_No one else dies_.

The thought had possessed me completely by the next day. It was inside every fiber of my being. I was determined, above all else, to make sure every single person onboard the _Archangel_ made it to Orb alive. No one else would wind up like Murrue or Elle's mother. And Flay and Mu La Flaga were not going to get shot down.

If anyone was gonna die, it was gonna be me. Plain and simple.

_No one else dies_.

Stellar could find someone else to bond with if I died. Elle would be heartbroken but surely my friends could convince their parents to take her in or point her in the direction of my parents. I was debating writing a note in case I didn't make it and giving it to Elle so she could give it to my parents in the event I didn't make it.

I ultimately didn't do it. I knew Elle was going to open up any note I gave to her and read it anyway because she's a little kid and that's what they do. And then she would cry and then beg me to not act like I wasn't going to make it too.

I didn't want to die either. But I didn't want to leave Elle in the lurch if I got captured or was killed. I just didn't know what to do.

_No one else dies_.

That was the only thing I was sure of.

If I accomplished that, all of my worrying wouldn't mean a thing.

Kira gave me an odd look when I went over to the Strike the next morning. "What?" I snapped. I was crabby and tired, what can I say?

"You look like you didn't sleep at all last night," Kira says.

"Oh, I slept all right," I replied. "I just had nightmares keep waking me up. And don't ask me what they were, because I can't remember them."

That was true. I had woken up four times that night, all because of a terror I could not escape and yet could not remember. The most I could remember was something involving a room, something rising from the floor, me panicking, breaking through a door, running into a hallway and being chased. I made it outside, into a bustling, normal-looking city, but the supernatural entity was still chasing me, so I kept running and made this impossible jump over a railing onto a sidewalk and kept running until I woke up.

That was the only part of any of the nightmares I could remember, and I don't know why _that_ stuck with me of all things.

My connection to Stellar also felt a little _duller_. Like a thin haze had enveloped it. I wasn't sure why it is, but the sensations I had felt yesterday weren't quite as strong. I wasn't going to worry about that yet, maybe I was just getting used to having them or something, but that was something to think about too.

"I hope Elle wasn't startled by you waking up so much," Kira said. It was close to common knowledge by that point that I was Elle's caretaker and she usually shared my bed.

"She slept fine, as much as I could tell," I replied. "Honestly, I don't get much sleep. It's either Elle waking up and crying or I waking up from a nightmare most days. Thank God both things don't usually happen on the same night or I'd be crazy."

Kira chuckled. "Well, to be honest, despite you looking exhausted you're not acting like the weight of the world's on your shoulders for once. It's like somebody took the weight off and you're like cooling down or something."

"How do you mean?" I asked.

"You just don't seem as stressed. Tired, sure, but you're more relaxed about it."

The truth was, I had someone taking the load off of me psychologically, and that was Stellar. But I knew I shouldn't explain that to Kira, or he'd think me weirder than ever. It was bad enough I felt a strange sense of familiarity with him at that point, like I should know him better than I did.

That feeling was not making me comfortable. No, I'd go as far to say as I was getting creeped out.

"I'm trying to relax," I replied, which was vague but also the truth. "I mean, I'm not doing meditation or anything but I'm just trying not to worry. I'm just thinking about Elle and my friends and try not to think about the Strike or the possibility of a fight."

Kira smiled. "Unfortunately, you gotta think about the Strike right now. It's pretty likely we're going to be fighting an aerial battle over the sea, and I'm trying to get the flight systems calibrated. You're going to be testing them in a simulator and then the real thing."

"So I'm getting my launch pack back," I said.

"Pretty much, yeah," Kira said. "Besides, we're over water. GUNDAMs can't walk on water yet. So unless you're in the mood for a deep sea dive, we gotta make sure the Strike can fly in the atmosphere, even if it's just rudimentary."

"I've already taken one deep sea dive too many," I replied. It _did_ lead me to Stellar and her friends, but . . . that dive had also ultimately gotten Murrue killed.

_No one else dies_.

I wasn't going to make such a mistake again. I was staying out of the water for sure this time.

"All right, I think we're set for the simulator." Kira got out of the cockpit. "Give it a go and tell me what you think."

"Sounds good."

I played around with the Strike for about an hour. The entire time, Kira was watching me, and he shook his head multiple times when I simulated combat. I could feel apprehension from him, I didn't even need to look at him to know something was wrong. But I couldn't figure out what.

"Is something wrong?" I finally asked.

"Just making mental notes of stuff I overlooked," Kira said. "I need to sit back down and fix them."

"The Strike seems serviceable enough the way it is," I replied. "I think you need a break. You've been glued to this thing since before we set sail across the ocean."

Kira laughed. "Well, it's kind of my job. No one else knows how to improve the Strike besides me."

"Doesn't mean you can't take a few hours away from this thing before your eyeballs fall out," I replied. "Seriously, they're pretty bloodshot. Take some time away from the Strike."

Kira scratched the back of his neck. "Well . . . I guess I should. Lemme write down what I noticed was wrong though."

"Yeah, go ahead." But in truth, I couldn't wait for him to leave.

I felt like I should know Kira much better than I did, and I could not shake that feeling. It was a relief for Kira to leave the hangar, because I couldn't stand it anymore.

Why? Why did it feel like I should know him so much more?

I couldn't understand whatever Stellar had done to me, but it was starting to get seriously weird. I wanted to go back to normal. I wanted to turn whatever this was off. It _did _feel a little less _strong_ but I wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean.

I felt more helpless than ever.

* * *

"You feel it too," Jacqueline Grumman said to me when I spoke with her later on. "_Wonderbar_. Just what we both need, to be creepy psychics just like the Extended. I was hoping you had avoided that somehow."

"I clearly haven't," I said. "Have you figured out some sort of 'off' switch for this? I can just tell I'm going to get sick of being this way before too long."

"No," Jacqueline said softly. "I haven't. And I can't really concentrate. Auel's suddenly become _very_interested in what I do and he keeps trying to mess with my scalpel in particular."

Auel, possibly the craziest person among Stellar and her group of friends, with a scalpel. Yeah, that didn't bring to mind comforting thoughts. "Yeah. I'd give Auel the priority here."

Jacqueline sighed. "Actually, part of me wonders whether we _are_ experiencing an 'off' switch right now. Has your connection to Stellar faded at all, even a tiny bit?"

"I guess so," I replied. "Everything feels a little more _dull_ if it makes sense. It's not a big difference but I can tell."

Jacqueline nodded. "I've definitely detected a significant difference on my end. Even before the first day was over I could feel the sensations becoming less sharp and dramatic. I think our ESP is beginning to go away, Cagalli. Little by little."

Part of me didn't want to believe her. Part of me did. I was completely torn between both possibilities. I wanted Stellar's warmth, but at the same time, I wanted to go back to normal. I wanted to be like my friends again, well, at least as close to being like my friends as I could. I was creeping everyone out and if whatever Stellar did to me was wearing off . . .

But Stellar was so _happy_ when I had turned into a 'new type of human being' just like her. It was like I had become her closest friend, the one person she could identify with and trust, and I was going to slip away slowly. And I enjoyed Stellar's warmth. Without saying a word, I would just feel better because of the feelings and emotions she was sending me. There was no need for conversation.

Which was better?

"I only feel a slight difference," I say. "I don't know if I'm just getting used to it or if it's going away. If it's like what you're saying though, it's going away . . . just not as fast."

"You're a Coordinator and you're also significantly younger than me," Jacqueline replied. "Those could be reasons why you may not be reverting as quickly. There's no way to tell, not without several experiments, and we don't have the equipment or the time to do them. Not to mention that I don't even know where to start."

She had a point there. "True. I don't want to be a guinea pig anyway."

"It's really fascinating, the sensations I feel, and this sense of _connection_. I can't find the words to describe it," Jacqueline said.

"I wonder why they're _permanently_ that way and _we_ aren't," I replied.

"They're not like the two of us. I'm a Natural, and you're a Coordinator. They are . . . 'Extended'. Whatever Blue Cosmos did to them made them that way and made it permanent," Jacqueline said. "They are truly a new type of human being."

"They were talking about other things, there being a Project X612 and a 'For All' project and God-knows what else," I said. "The Extended played a role in that. I wonder if Badgiruel has anything about those projects on her."

"Probably wouldn't tell you either way," Jacqueline replied, and I didn't need ESP to know she was telling the blunt truth there.

I didn't want to tell Jacqueline, or anyone else, the whispers of that 'Djibril' person, about how I would be_perfect_ for this 'For All' Project, or that they were worried ZAFT would use me for 'Project X612'. It was becoming clear that even without being Extended-fied that I wasn't like anyone else and I didn't want that to become even more obvious.

Everything I had heard about me, from Hilda's brief mentions to Doctor Malcolm and 'Djibril' having their conversation, was terrifying. What was I, really?

"You're right about that," was all I said to Jacqueline.

The doctor smiled at me. "Are you all right? I don't need this ESP to know that you're clearly troubled. Perhaps that is why our little gifts are fading away for the both of us, neither of us need it."

"I've had a very long stint on this ship," I replied, shaking off the implication she was giving me about what I was feeling. "I'm tired and am sick of fighting and now I don't have Murrue Ramius onboard. She was a good captain and better person. I felt a lot better with her."

"The entire ship misses her," Jacqueline replied. "She was _everyone's_ captain, even to I and the others who joined this ship at Artemis. I've had this feeling that this ship has become unified in a way that doesn't usually happen, even in the military."

"You think so?" I asked. I was kind of surprised by this. I never thought about this ship's crew that way, not to that extent.

"Yes. I could sense it from the moment Auel did what he did to me," Jacqueline replied. "All of us, regardless if whether we were there at the start, your refugee pod, or Artemis, or joined you as random stragglers in the desert, we _are_ this ship's crew. I believe that if we hadn't become a rogue ship, most of us would not have left the _Archangel_ at Orb. We would have stayed onboard until Alaska, for the sake of the ship and everyone onboard."

"What are you saying, like this ship was a melting pot or something?" I asked.

"Exactly, that's a good term for it," Jacqueline says. "We've all set aside our differences for the good of the ship and everyone else onboard. We are truly a special crew that way."

I had never truly realized this before. I had _almost_ thought it a few times, but never really thought we were some band of brothers and sisters or something.

I suppose the doctor was right. We had become something like that, we had been forced to because of our struggles and all of the fighting.

First, there had been the decimated original crew who managed to keep the _Archangel_ in one piece under Badgiruel's command at Heliopolis. The _Archangel_ had succeeded in chasing Rau Le Creuset, the feared ZAFT special forces commander, off. I guess things have gone full circle that way, Badgiruel is back in command now.

Then they picked Murrue, Kira, myself, and Mu La Flaga all up. We survived the destruction of Heliopolis together. I brought the Orb refugee ship onboard. All of them save Elle have become part of this ship's crew, working on maintainence or on the guns or something else, and Elle is more than justified in not becoming a full-fledged member. Quite a few of them have even _died_ for the sake of this ship, killed in action.

Then came Artemis. Scattered Artemis personnel who had initially planned on seizing this ship wound up staying on-board because they couldn't get off the vessel before it launched . . . or had opted to stay because they would be more likely to survive. They had made the right decision. Artemis was destroyed with the cost of almost to a man. Only four Mobile Armor pilots had gotten away besides the crew that had stayed onboard the _Archangel_. Those four were dead, dead because of my screw-up, and their deaths are among the many things I wish I could have back. But the surviving Artemis personnel, including Jacqueline Grumman, have intergrated into the ship's personnel just like the Orb citizens have. They've found roles and are seamlessly helping to guide a ship.

Then there was the small amount of personnel, mostly maintainence personnel, that came onboard from Halberton's fleet. Then, lastly, about a dozen or so special-forces troopers who had literally hoofed it from Tassil, where they had been sent to rescue me, all the way to the _Archangel_. They are the most battle-hardened of us all, and have formed the security force onboard. Three or four of them died in order to save me in the Blue Cosmos facility, but there are others still alive. I don't think I could have been saved if it weren't for those soldiers.

We had all become a part of this, and Murrue was . . . she was our leader. She had our respect and she knew she could not run such a diverse group of people like a typical military commander and did not try to. She ran things her own way and she created something that will likely never be replicated again. Now it was up to Badgiruel to try to hold things together until we could make it to a safe port.

"I guess," I finally said, "You're right. It's almost as if we've become a family."

"We are a family," Jacqueline says. "A big one, with all of us being different in our own ways. I think this ship has become home to us, at least in some small way. None of us are ever going to forget this ship or anyone who's served on it, no matter how long they've lived."

"I wouldn't go _that_ far," I replied. "But we are different, I'll give you that."

Jacqueline just smiled. "True, we are."

"And I'm going to protect all of us. I think we're going to fight one last battle before we're safe," I said. "I'm going to fight it and win. And then we're done with this stupid war."

"Perhaps. Perhaps not. There's the question of what will happen once we land in Orb," Jacqueline replied. "Orb_will_ be harboring fugitives, after all."

"We'll worry about that once we get there," I said. "Right now, I'm just going to worry about the present. Which is all of us surviving, no matter what they throw at us. Or who 'they' turn out to be."

Jacqueline nodded. "I suppose you're right about this one, Cagalli."

I knew I was right. Unfortunately.

* * *

_No one else dies_.

The thought was gripping me again as I walked through the hallways. I just had this odd sense of _dread_. Like I could almost _feel_ a battle approaching. I couldn't shake it and I was getting nervous, and it was becoming hard to control my adrenaline or my emotions. I just _knew_ something was wrong. That something was coming.

I was getting really antsy and nervous and I had no idea what to do with myself. I just wanted to throw on my pilot's uniform and just wait on standby in the Strike.

_No one else dies_.

"Cagalli?"

I turned. It was Stellar. "Hi."

"You're scared."

"I guess so." I couldn't help but look away from Stellar's gaze. What Jacqueline had said was weighing on my mind.

"Stellar . . . do I feel farther away to you? Or something?" I asked.

I looked at Stellar to see her holding her arm shyly. "Yes," she finally said. "You do. I didn't want to say anything, but . . ."

That pretty much confirmed it. The wonderful feelings, the sense of connection I was feeling with her, it was all going to go away. I was fading, soon I wouldn't be like Stellar at all, I was just going to be _me_ again. Perhaps it would be tomorrow, perhaps it would be next week. But I knew, right then and there, that I wasn't going to stay this way.

"Stellar, I just want you to know that everything I've said still counts," I said. "I guess I'm just not ready yet to be . . . like you. It doesn't change that I'm going to help you once we set foot in Orb. It's not going to change that you're going to have a family."

"I know." Stellar's eyes shimmered. "Your senses are still strong enough to feel it though, don't you? You know something's coming."

So Stellar felt it too. The sense of apprehension. "Yes. I feel it. If I were to guess, it's ZAFT. They're coming to capture us before we can finish our dash to Orb."

"You will still keep us safe, right?" Stellar asked.

"Yes, of course I will." I tried to smile to reassure her. "I'm not going to let them through to attack this ship. I promise. We're going to be safe. Like I said, Orb's a beautiful, peaceful, amazing country. You'll love it there."

"I know that. I know it because you mean it. You're not . . . you always tell the truth to me, Cagalli." Stellar returned my smile. "You don't tell 'jokes' to me."

I guess from Stellar's perspective that made me a great person. I just took it as meaning I needed to give Stellar more practice in casual conversation. "I don't lie to people I care about."

The feeling that battle was fast approaching seemed to get more palpable. I looked at Stellar. "I'm going to head to the pilots' room. I think I'm going to be needed shortly. Keep an eye on Elle for me."

"Okay, Cagalli." Stellar nodded and smiled, and I waved at her as I turned around and began walking away.

I tried to get myself ready. This was the last battle approaching. The battle that would decide whether we would make it to safety or not. I just needed to beat Athrun and his subordinates, Nicol, Dearka, and Asta. I was _sure_ it was Athrun and his subordinates. It was just too perfect.

As I approached the pilots' dressing room, I heard the alarm go off, followed by Natarle Badgiruel's voice. "_We have enemy Mobile Suits approaching the _Archangel_. All hands to primary combat stations!_"

I knew it. I also knew that I was going to miss this ability of mine. This was the only battle I was going to have with it. I was going to use it all up in this battle and then head home and collapse and just wait out the rest of the war. That was my plan.

For the first time, I _wanted_ to fight. I was anticipating it. Even eagerly waiting for my chance to get out there and _win_.

It wasn't a feeling of invulnerability. It wasn't a sense of 'we're almost there, we're gonna make it'. It wasn't anything like that.

I wanted to get out there and fight because I had made a promise to myself. Jacqueline Grumman's words reminded me how special of a ship this was, and how special the crew was, and how important every single life was onboard. It was my responsibility to defend this ship and everyone onboard.

I was ready to fight, and I was going to get it.

It was the first time I was going to approach battle with full confidence in myself, my machine, and my abilities.

I wasn't going to kill Athrun if I could help it. Or his friends. Or even Asta unless she forced the issue which wouldn't surprise me at all. But I was going to do what I had to do in order to make sure this ship made it to Orb. After Orb, whatever was gonna happen was gonna happen. I had no control over that.

_This_ was what I had control over.

My hands clenched into fists briefly, and then I relaxed them, and opened the door to the dressing room.

_No one else dies._

This was going to be my last battle, and I was going to _win_.

Once and for all.

* * *

Cagalli's Newtype condition is NOT permanent. It's going to wear off. It's a side effect of being imprinted on, but as she is not an Extended she can't hold the Newtype abilities (whatever Blue Cosmos did to the Extended made the Newtype abilities permanent but Cagalli's had none of that). That's not saying Stellar can't turn them back on, but under normal circumstances, Cagalli's just going to go back to being a normal Coordinator (well, as far as her own origins go all things considering).


	47. Commit This to Memory

**Chapter Forty-Seven: Commit This to Memory**

"_Crap, Cagalli, you're raring to go_!" That was Miriallia talking to me as I was sitting in the Strike. Usually I wound up launching after La Flaga, but I had gotten myself ready before he did and now I was sitting on the catapult, ready to launch.

"Just let me know who's the enemy and point me to them," I said. "They won't get anywhere near this ship."

Badgiruel's voice. "_I don't want you getting too aggressive out there, 2nd Lieutenant Yamato. Petty Officer Pal has identified four enemy bogeys heading our way, and they are Le Creuset's unit. The Aegis, the Buster, the rebuilt Duel, and the Blitz._"

"So I'm up against all of them. Got it. Any other support?"

"_There's no signs of enemy DINNs_," Badgiruel replied. "_It looks like to me that this is going to be a pretty straight-up attack to end the battle that began at Heliopolis here and now. They can't be let through to damage the _Archangel_. We are not far from Orb waters. If we can make it there, we win by default._"

"That's right, we do," I said. "ZAFT won't be allowed to follow us in there, not without violating Orb's sovereignty. I doubt they want to drag Orb into the war when they're stretched enough as it is fighting the Earth Alliance."

I look at my sensors. "Give me the Aile Pack. I'm gonna need a balanced assault for this one."

"_Not the Sword Pack? Isn't that the one you prefer using?_" Miriallia asked.

"No. Not against four GUNDAMs in the atmosphere," I replied. "By the way, how the heck are they flying over here?"

Badgiruel's voice. "_I've heard of this machine called a GUUL. The Mobile Suits ride on it like a human rides on a skateboard. Not the best analogy but the closest one I can think of._"

That put a memorable image in my mind of a GUNDAM riding a skateboard up a half-pipe, losing control, and crashing head-first into the ground.

Hopefully I wasn't going to end up like that.

"All right, thank you. So obviously, if I remove the GUNDAM from its GUUL, the GUNDAM is going to go crashing into the water."

"_Yes, probably. Except for the Aegis,_" Badgiruel answered. "_The Aegis has a Mobile Armor mode, remember. It can fly in the atmosphere._"

So Athrun, again, would be the most difficult to remove from the battle. Somehow that did not surprise me. "All right, thank you. I'm ready to launch anytime. How long do we have until we're in Orb waters?"

"_About forty-five minutes_," Miriallia replied.

"I won't need that long."

The hangar opened up, and I was staring at the partly cloudy sky in front of me. We were going to be fighting in perfect weather. That seemed appropriate. No variables interfering in the battle. Just me versus the four GUNDAMs that have been hounding me since Heliopolis. Well, three GUNDAMs and a very vengeful young woman who is piloting an advanced copy of a GUNDAM I actually managed to shoot down, but who cares about such technicalities?

I was ready to end this and go home and sit out the rest of the war.

"This is 2nd Lieutenant Cagalli Yamato," I replied. "Launching!"

I shot out into the atmosphere and powered up the Strike's launch pack. It wasn't going to be perfect but I was going to be able to fly. That was all I was going to need.

The four machines came up on my radar. "I'm moving to intercept! I won't let any of them reach the_Archangel_!" I shouted, and powered the Strike forward.

"_Don't be a fool, 2nd Lieutenant_!" Badgiruel shouted immediately. "_You can't fight all four of them by yourself! Wait for La Flaga and Allster!_"

"Watch me!" My senses felt dulled but I could still feel how the four GUNDAMs were going to move. The Buster and Blitz were going to hang back, and the Aegis and the Duel Assault Shroud were going to come right at me. I could just sense it.

A pain in my head. Buster was aiming at me. I just _knew _it_._

I moved the Strike to the left and watched as a beam flew right past me. I had dodged it with ease.

Another pain, this time from the right. Asta and Athrun, the both of them, coming right for me.

What_ was_ this needle-like pain, and how was it directing me?

No . . . no, I was letting myself fall into a trap. They were going to try to box me in.

Good strategy, but I wasn't going to let that happen!

It wasn't going to end like this. I had promised myself that. There was no way Athrun and his subordinates were going to shoot me down.

I saw the brown seed appear in my mind's eye again, like I had fallen from reality and had gone to another world.

This time, I didn't feel afraid to let it break. In fact, I _embraced_ the seed shattering.

I was going to use everything I could get to beat the four of them . . . or die trying.

* * *

I could see the battlefield with even greater clarity than before. I immediately began aiming at the Duel and let loose with a barrage that forced the Duel to back off. I sent Athrun the same message a moment later, forcing _him_ to retreat. I felt the needle-like pain in my head again and I forced the Strike to fly upwards, dodging another sniping attempt by the Buster.

I was getting _annoyed_.

I powered up my engines and flew right towards the Buster.

It was then that it occurred to me.

The GUULs were not what they cracked up to be. Sure, they permitted the GUNDAMs to fly in the atmosphere, but the GUNDAMs could not manuever very well. They were moving in a clumsy way and that was why I was flying circles around them . . . and why they bothered to try to box me in rather than just charge through me on the way to the _Archangel_.

The Buster saw me coming and tried to fly off, but I wasn't trying to hit the Buster. I had no interest in hitting the Buster.

All I wanted was the GUUL.

I blasted the GUUL and it exploded right under the Buster's feet. The GUNDAM was blasted away like it was shot out of a cannon, and spiraled towards the ocean, out of control, before vanishing in a plume of water.

One down, three to go.

Another needle, this time seeming to remind me about my right flank. The Blitz this time.

That's right. The Blitz was hanging back with the Buster.

I was feeling confident. The most confident I had ever felt while piloting the Strike. It wasn't like I was feeling invincible, but I felt like I had years of battlefield experience directing me. I knew what to do and how to do it. Nicol and the Blitz seemed like a rookie to me.

I dodged a barrage from the Blitz and charged below the Blitz, flying right above the water. I spun my GUNDAM around so I was facing the sky, and saw the underside of the Blitz's GUUL for just a moment.

That was all I needed.

I squeezed the trigger and I blasted the GUUL, and while it wasn't a dramatic explosion like what happened to the Buster, the Blitz had to abandon the GUUL and it too fell right into the water, the smoking, out of control GUUL crashing into the ocean shortly thereafter.

Half of them, dispatched right at the beginning of the battle. I was winning. I was beating all four of them, and Mu La Flaga and Flay hadn't even joined the battle yet.

I felt the needle-like sensation again, and I turned around to see both the Duel and the Aegis coming at me, the Duel firing at me with an all-out fury that suggested the pilot was royally pissed off. Not that it surprised me . . . and I didn't really care either.

I dodged the flurry and I was immediately hailed thereafter. I wondered why I should bother, but I wound up answering the hail anyway. "Yes?"

It was Athrun. "_Cagalli, I know you feel like you're doing your duty-_"

"Athrun, I'm not going to play mind games with you. I'm protecting my ship and that's final. Don't even try to convince me otherwise."

"_Cagalli, you have nowhere to go! The Earth Alliance has made you and the legged ship fugitives! You really think a tiny, neutral nation like Orb will be able to shelter all of you from the Earth Alliance's wrath? You'd be wiser to join ZAFT, Cagalli!_"

"Athrun, I told you not to try to convince me. It's not going to work."

"_Cagalli-_"

"Athrun, I'm going home and staying there! I don't care what happens in this war anymore! I gave up all stake in it once the _Archangel_ got branded a rogue ship! I'm going home and planting my ass in a soft, warm bed and enjoy the rest of my life! Everyone here has suffered enough!"

"_Are you being dense on purpose, Cagalli? Haven't you heard a word I've said? How can Orb protect you from the Earth Alliance_?"

"Athrun, right now, I'm not concerned about that. My concern is getting my ship home. And by the way, calling my ship 'the legged ship' isn't helping your case!"

Asta interrupted, her voice low and bitter. "_Athrun, stop talking to her and shoot her down. I've had enough of hearing her voice . . . and yours too, for that matter_."

"_Asta, I had to make the attempt. It's important_!"

Asta chuckled softly. "_It is nothing more than your personal pipe dream. Now stand aside. If you won't kill Cagalli Yamato, I will. My brother deserves vengeance_."

The needles were getting softer, like I was using my abilities up the more I used them. I was running out of time. I had to shoot them both down while I still had my ESP advantage!

Here came the Duel, charging for me, firing. I realized there was no way I was going to line up a shot and destroy the Duel's GUUL, so I moved to dodge the flurry of shots. Maybe one of them scraped my Phase Shift as the Duel flew by me, and turned in a wide, rounded pattern, its agility greatly weakened because of the GUUL.

I fired at the Duel's GUUL but Asta was a better pilot than Dearka and Nicol. She dodged my attempts to shoot her down by literally stopping the GUUL in mid-air, which caused my timed shots to fly in front of her, and before I could re-focus my aim, she restarted the GUUL and flew away, causing my shots to fly behind her.

She was a good pilot. By herself, she'd be a match with me. Teaming up with Athrun, however . . .

This was gonna be hard.

"_This damn GUUL is so clumsy! Athrub, stop flying around and do something! You're supposed to be the commander!_"

"_I'm trying to find an opening, Asta. I'm also keeping an eye out for the Mobile Armors. They're heading our way._"

"_We wouldn't have to worry about them if we shot down this bitch, Athrun_!"

Were they aware that I could hear every word they said?

At least this proved some of my assumptions. Asta was _massively_ insubordinate, and that the GUULs were as clumsy to the GUNDAM pilots as they looked. I wasn't sure how to take advantage of either. Poking Asta into making a mistake seemed risky, and Athrun . . . Athrun would have to be a team effort with La Flaga and Flay.

Asta was still firing at me, and I was flying low to the water, relying on my speed to dodge her shots. Asta's firing seemed more than a little awkward. I wondered if it wasn't just the GUUL. Maybe she wasn't used to firing in the atmosphere _period_. She did not use her guns against me when she rushed me out of the ruins of Tassil, and she didn't do much of note during Waltfeld's final battle. Maybe she was a significantly better shot in space than she was on Earth.

I switched to my beam saber. As long as I was stuck flying in Asta's direction, I was going to rush her from below and stick the saber into her GUUL and knock her out of the battle too.

I used the needle pains to see where she was shooting. It was like I had a split second warning where she was going to fire before she actually did. It was fading, fading the more I used this ability, but it was still strong enough for me to know what Asta was doing.

"_Oh come on_!" Asta screamed as I powered the Strike towards her GUUL's underbelly.

I stabbed the GUUL and immediately withdrew as sparks flew from the machine.

"_Damn it! This isn't over, Cagalli Yamato! I swear it on my life! I will kill you before I die!_" The Duel, much like the Blitz, jumped off the GUUL and willingly fell into the water, which made me wonder if there was a submarine or something on standby to rescue them. Otherwise why would you willingly fall into the ocean? It'd be better than blowing up, but speaking from personal experience, GUNDAMs sink like rocks.

Still, with the Duel splashing down, all that was left was Athrun . . .

Athrun and a slew of reinforcements from nowhere.

Four DINNs had joined the battle, flanking Athrun. Looks like he had called for reinforcements.

I was getting hailed again by the Aegis. Looks like Athrun had changed channels while I was fighting Asta, and that's probably when he called for his backup.

"Yes, Athrun?" I asked.

"_Cagalli, you won't be safe in Orb. Trust me on this. You need to give up and come with us. This is your last chance._"

"How many times do I have to tell you 'no' before you get the hint, Athrun? Actually, wait, it's not just a 'hint'. I am literally shoving this in your face every single time we encounter each other! I am not joining up with you! I have a ship full of people to protect and that is my priority!"

Athrun sighed. "_All right then. Take her down by force. Don't hit the cockpit_."

The DINNs launched towards me and I immediately opened fire, before I realized that all four of them were going to strafe me. I dove down, again just keeping myself from hitting the water, and flew below the DINNs, one of which was smoking, but not out of action, from a shot I was able to connect.

I was gunning for Athrun himself and to his credit he realized it. "_Crap._"

He manuevered his GUUL to the left just enough for my attempt to shoot him to miss.

One of the DINNs, moving much more ably than the Aegis, moved into the Aegis' old position and took some potshots at me. I moved to the DINN's right flank and blew off his left leg with two rifle shots. Smoking, the DINN immediately withdrew.

The _other_ smoking DINN, however, with a left arm that looked out of action, had other ideas. Using his retreating buddy for cover for the briefest of seconds, he began shooting at me and that forced me to literally stop the Strike and reverse my course. I was hit three times and my Phase Shift didn't like those shots at _all_.

I aimed for the DINN's chest and fired. _This_ DINN exploded, covering everything in fire and smoke.

Yet another pilot I had killed in this war. I was privately hoping that this would be the last one.

La Flaga and Flay seemed to be keeping the other two DINNs occupied. It was just me and Athrun now.

I knew I was returning to normal more and more. The ESP I had relied on to win this battle was fading. Athrun had beaten me every time we had fought in space or on Earth, before Stellar did _this_ to me. I couldn't afford to let this drag out.

I aimed at the Aegis and fired, and just as I expected, Athrun dodged the shot. He was maneuvering his clumsy GUUL with just enough skill to avoid me.

Athrun was still on the public channel. "_You've improved dramatically. I never thought you'd be capable of pulling off what you've done. Not without years of experience, anyway._"

"I guess that makes me full of surprises then." I kept firing at Athrun, trying to lure him into a position where I could finally hit him and knock him out of the battle, but Athrun seemed to know this because he wouldn't let himself get trapped. Every time I thought I had him, Athrun would maneuver away, and all of my work would be for nothing.

This battle was getting frustrating and I knew my time was running out. Both for my ESP and for the Phase Shift. I was using up a _lot_ of power firing at Athrun like this.

"I told you I wasn't going to let you anywhere near the _Archangel_, Athrun," I said. "And I haven't. Even if you shoot me down, you've lost this battle. The _Archangel_ is going to escape."

"_I know_." Athrun paused for a second. "_It won't be a total loss if I take you and the Strike back to my superior officers, however._"

Somehow, I knew he was still going to try and bring me to ZAFT. How was I not surprised? "It's not happening, Athrun. I know you care about me, and I . . ."

I was surprised. Even with my seed activated, I could feel something aching in my chest. Damn it, were these . . .

"And I care about you too. You were my best friend all of those years ago. I wish you were still my friend. I wish things were different, Athrun."

Out of time. This had to end right _now_!

"But guess what? This is the world we leave in and we've made different choices! And now we have to live with the consequences, Athrun!"

I blasted towards Athrun. I was going to stick my beam saber into hsi GUUL and send him crashing into the water just like Asta.

Athrun seemed to realize this. He let out a cry as he tried to blast me. I used every bit of my perception to dodge his attacks right before they would hit me. This was going to be my last assault. My powers would be too far gone for me to use them properly again if I failed in this attack. I was risking it all in one final charge to knock Athrun out of the battle.

"Commit this to memory, Athrun!" I powered the Strike upwards and I clipped the GUUL just as Athrun tried to dodge me. "I'm not going to do what you say just because you think it's the best for me! I'm not like that! I will keep moving forward in my life, and you need to do the same! We've made our choices and there's nothing we can do about it!"

"_Cagalli . . ._" The Aegis fell off of the GUUL then, and probably not willingly. I had sliced off one of the GUUL's wings, and that had sent the GUUL into a death spiral. That in turn had caused the Aegis to fall off the GUUL, out of control. Otherwise, the Aegis probably would've had a chance to go into Mobile Armor mode and continue the battle.

"And finally," I said. "Go soak your head."

The Aegis splashed down violently enough to make it seem like a geyser had momentarily been born into the ocean. And then silence.

I switched my coms. "I apologize, _Archangel_. This was something I had to do myself. All four GUNDAMs are out of action."

As if on cue, I seemed to lose my seed, and I truly felt normal again. And exhausted. Majorly exhausted. I wanted to fall asleep right in my cockpit. How far had I pushed myself to pull off what I just did?

I heard Badgiruel's voice. "_I should chew you out and bust you down to Seaman for what you just pulled, Lieutenant . . . but at the same time, what you did worked. Return to the _Archangel_ immediately. We're going to be approaching Orb waters shortly_."

"Thank you, Captain." Truth be told, my rank didn't mean anything to me. All that mattered was Orb.

In a few minutes, my war was going to be over.

* * *

It was when I stepped out of the cockpit when it happened.

"Big sister Cagalli!"

I turned to my left and suddenly saw Stellar running towards me, her arms outstretched.

Uh oh.

She embraced me, which would've been fine by itself. The problem was that she hit me with so much momentum that I fell on my back, her arms wrapped around me tightly.

"You made it! You made it! You made it, Cagalli! I'm so happy!" Stellar cried.

"Yeah . . . I did. I guess I did," I said, lying on the walkway, staring at the ceiling.

I slowly wrapped my own arms around Stellar. It took me a moment to realize I could not feel her anymore. It felt like an illusion every time I tried to reach out. Like a mirage before me and it would vanish before I could remember how.

I had won, but I was no longer like Stellar. I was back to normal again. Still, what Stellar had given me had been worth it. I had won the battle, and no one else had died onboard the _Archangel_. I had acocmplished everything I had set out to do for the first time. Yes, there was the one DINN pilot I clearly killed, but . . . at this point, it was something that had to be done, and something I wouldn't have to do anymore.

I saw Kira then, cheerfully leaning over Stellar and looking at me. "Well, you did it, Cagalli. We're in Orb waters. We're already being hailed by the Orb fleet. We're going to make it."

"We are? We really made it?" I asked. It was a stupid question but it was so hard to believe. After everything that had happened, after all of these weeks of suffering and hardship and death, the mere _idea_ of safety, of home, seemed so hard to believe.

When did this whole mess begin? January 25th? What was today? March 22nd? 23rd? Something like that?

Wow. Two months, give or take a couple of days. That's . . . that's a long time.

"We really made it, Cagalli. Thanks to you. You did great out there. That was the best flying I've ever seen from you," Kira said.

"I . . . I did my best, that's all," I said. "I did the best that I could do."

"The best was good enough," Kira said. "We made it. We're home, Cagalli. Now I need to get to the bridge so Orb doesn't accidentally blow us out of the water. I don't think they're going to attack us anyway, but . . . better safe than sorry at this point."

"Sounds good to me." I gave Kira a thumbs-up. "Do what you gotta do."

"I will. Thank you again. For everything." Kira vanished then, leaving me with Stellar still locking me in her embrace.

It took me a moment to realize that Kira was saying _goodbye_. Was he really? After everything else? Or . . .

No. If he was saying goodbye, he would say it. He was that kind of person. Still . . . after two months of him being at my side, supporting me and perfecting the Strike so I could protect this ship the absolute best I could . . . he wasn't going to be around anymore. He was a friend, a companion, someone I could trust, someone who seemed so familiar even though I had never met him before Heliopolis' destruction . . .

And soon he and I were going to part ways, likely never going to see each other again. Yeah, Kira said that I should become his political adviser, but did he really mean it? And was I really qualified for something like that?

Why was I even thinking about stuff like that anyway? I was home, right? That was all that mattered.

Thinking about it nearly made me cry. Somehow, some way, we had managed to pull it off. Everyone onboard this ship. We had managed to make it. It was over.

I hugged Stellar tightly. "We're safe, Stellar. We're finally safe. You'll never have to fight again."

"I know, Cagalli. I know. Thank you. Thank you so much."

"You're . . . you're welcome, Stellar."

I thought about everyone, my friends, Elle, the officiers, everyone I had met on this ship. I felt tears form in my eyes but I couldn't bring myself to stop them. I didn't even care. These were not the tears I had been crying for the last two months. They were a different kind of tears.

Tears of joy.

_I'm home_.

A big stupid grin crossed my face.

_I'm finally home_.

* * *

Yes, we're finally approaching the end of part 2. Next chapter will finish up part 2 at long last. Only took me a couple of years, lol.


	48. My World

Thank you for your kind words, everyone. It's heartening and inspiring, especially after such a long absence. Yes, there will be a part 3, and it will be in the same fic as this one.

Enjoy the finale of part 2.

* * *

**Chapter Forty-Eight: My World**

"I can't believe it," Miriallia said softly as we stood in the hangar bay. Bagiruel had gathered everyone there, putting the _Archangel_ on autopilot during the voyage to Onogoro Island, where the ship was going to dock. "The war's finally over."

I felt a funny ache in my chest and looked over at Tolle. He offered me a smile, but neither of us made a move to get closer to each other. I could tell there was something tense underneath the surface, I had lost my ESP but not my ability to read people's faces. I wondered if Tolle had heard the conversation between Athrun and I and had gotten the wrong idea.

I knew Tolle's and my relationship was getting rocky, but now that we were returning to Orb, I was wanting to reconnect with him. I had been distant, I had been altered, I had put up with a lot, but now, I felt the closest to being back to normal since the whole ordeal began. I had neglected Tolle's and my relationship since Tassill and I wasn't going to let that happen anymore.

Flay just shook her head. "It's not over. Not by a long shot. Earth Alliance and ZAFT are just gonna keep killing each other, and I'm sure they want to drag Orb into it too."

Kuzzey laughed nervously. "Man, I hope not. I've had enough of war and the military."

"I haven't." Flay opened and closed one of her fists. "I was going to register with the Orb military after a short breather. I know Orb's short on pilots. With my Skygrasper certification that'll be my way in."

Sai grumbled something and looked away. He and Flay had never reconnected after they fell out, and it looked like resurrecting that relationship was a pipe dream.

"You're really gonna join the military for real, Flay?" Kuzzey asked, surprised.

"My daddy's dead. I have no other family who can take me in. There's nowhere else for me to go, nothing else to do. I might as well serve the country that I've lived in for all of these years. I have the power to do it. I should put it to good use," Flay replied.

There was a grim undertone in Flay's words that was making me uncomfortable. "Look, let's worry about our future plans once we dock and get back on land. I know that we're scattered all over the damn country so we're not going to see each other in person again for a while," I said. "Not until they find a college for us to go to, anyway."

"Heh. Right 'bout that one," Tolle said.

"Tolle and I live on the same island," Miriallia said. "You actually live here on Onogoro yourself, right Cagalli?"

"Yeah, when my family didn't take up residence in Heliopolis itself," I replied. "My parents wanted to stay closer to me the last few years, and my father's business required him to shuffle between Onogoro and Heliopolis a lot, so it worked out."

Of course, with Heliopolis being destroyed . . . "I don't know what my dad is gonna do anymore, though. Heliopolis . . . doesn't exactly exist."

I saw Badgiruel approach the makeshift podium that had been set up for her. It looked like she had some prepared remarks for us. That was Badgiruel for you. Murrue had a tendency to speak off the cuff and improvise, but Badgiruel liked having everything as prepared as possible.

"Looks like she's finally gonna speak," Kuzzey said.

Badgiruel cleared her throat and I heard the mic come to life with a quick high-pitched squeal. "Good evening everyone. I summoned you all here to inform you that we have finally made it to safety. After two months of hardship and constant battle, we have managed to find refuge in the country of Orb. Naturally, many of you claim Orb as your home, so you not only have safety, but the freedom of your home country as well."

Her eyes shifted over the crowd before she continued. "I want all of you to know that your contributions are the reason why we have made it here. Essentially all of you, when given the opportunity, rose to the circumstances and became soldiers in order to help make sure as many people onboard this ship made it to safety as possible. For those of you who were already soldiers, you transformed into better ones. You all have my gratitude for your contributions and efforts."

She adjusted her papers. "Before we depart this ship, I have taken the opportunity to print out copies of a list of everyone who served on this ship from January 25th C.E., the day Heliopolis came under attack, to today, March 24th C.E.. The names are listed in order of boarding the ship, from the _Archangel_'s original crew to our newest additions from that secret Earth Alliance base. I would like you to take one of the lists with you as you depart. Not everyone who started out this journey with us made it to our destination, and I wish for their names to not be forgotten. They fought, and died, for us to be here today. A red mark next to their names indicate that they were killed in action. Unmarked means that they are on this ship now, they survived to the end of the journey."

Badgiruel sighed. "I know that the journey was rough on all of us. We had limited supplies and a lot of people who had to learn on the fly. People had to be shuffled around and learn things they were originally not trained to do. And we had crises and disagreements and more people thrown into the brig than we all wished. But we made it work. We held together and became a crew under Captain Ramius and we managed to hold together even after losing her. That was all that was asked of you all, and you pulled it off, no matter how major or minor your contribution was. Thank you again, so very much."

She shuffle her papers again. Badgiruel actually seemed to be on the brink of crying in her last few words, but her eyes hardened and she was back to business again.

"Orb civilians. Due to us becoming a rogue ship, I do not believe the Earth Alliance will release the pay that was owed to you for your service. I sincerely apologize for that. There is nothing I can do about that. What I _was_ able to do was send a message to Orb to contact your loved ones. Hopefully many of them will be there to greet us when you depart this ship."

A lot of people began cheering, and I felt a silly grin cross my face too. My parents . . . my parents had to know I was alive then. I hoped that they did okay without me. I was gone for _such_ a long time.

"Earth Alliance personnel from Atlantic and Eurasian Federations," Badgiruel boomed, drowning out the scattered applause. "I apologize to you as well. Because we are fugitives, we cannot return home without being court-martialed and likely put to death. I wish there was something more I could do for you right now. The least I can do is expose the truth of that military base in the Indian Ocean and try to facilitate the downfall of the Earth Alliance forces that would have us destroyed for what we know. Only then will we be able to return home. For now, you have your lives and your peace. And I will not stop until justice is served, for us, and for our fallen captain, Murrue Ramius."

She took a deep breath, and looked out over us for what seemed to be a long time, perhaps hours. Then she took her papers in her hand and clsoed her eyes. "Thank you again for your service. You are all dismissed."

Cheers erupted from the hangar. I don't think very many people cared that they weren't going to see a dime for their services onboard this ship. They were just happy to make it home, or to any kind of safety. The hope was, obviously that because they were in a neutral nation the war was over for them. I wanted to believe that. We had been fighting almost nonstop for so very long. We all deserved a long break from any kind of violence in general.

I looked for Tolle but lost him and my friends in the tumult of the crowd. Feeling squeezed in, I escaped the crowd and left the hangar bay.

I was going to celebrate in my own way. If I couldn't find my friends and celebrate with them, I was just going to be the first person off this ship and celebrate with my parents. I hoped they knew that I was alive. I truly hoped word had gotten out to them. I just wanted to go home, to my real home, and flop on a bed and just sleep for the rest of my life. No more war. No more violence.

But I had a bigger family now too. I knew my mom and dad would just be _thrilled_ about Stellar. Elle they'd adjust to quicker. I doubted that Elle would find a relative that would adopt her, and she wouldn't be willing to be adopted by anyone other than me and maybe Miriallia anyway. Stellar was different. With her conditioning and struggle with certain words, it was going to be hard to get her to adjust to civilian life.

I knew it was something I shouldn't worry about until I saw my parents, but I couldn't help myself. I was thinking of my life post-war. I was full of ideas and dreams again, for the first time in two months. I didn't care if I spent the rest of my life knitting. I just wanted peace and I wanted to be with my family, however strange it was.

It was then that I ran into Natarle Badgiruel for what I_ thought_ would be the last time.

* * *

I was about to gather Elle and Stellar when Badgiruel approached me in one of the hallways. "2nd Lieutenant Yamato, I would like a moment with you."

Even though I was pretty much discharged, she was going to keep the military ranks going until the end. Now, I find that kind of endearing about Natarle Badgiruel. Then, not so much.

"Yes, ma'am?" I asked.

She walked up to me. "Cagalli Yamato, you are a loose cannon, you're extremely aggressive in adversity, you attack every problem in your path, and you stay fervently loyal to what you believe in even when logic tells you otherwise."

I figured there was a "but" in there somewhere and so didn't interrupt her while she was talking. "Yes?" I finally asked.

"You refused to let what happened to you corrupt you. I find that commendable. Captain Ramius is the only other person I knew who is like you that way. I respect that about you both."

Badgiruel chuckled softly. "My wish for you, Cagalli Yamato, is to not let that aspect of yourself change. Continue fighting for what you believe in. I could not do the same, and that gave me a trick cartilage in my knee that forced me to change military careers, where I became an officer in the navy. And no, I can't talk about the injury or what I did. That remains classified and I'd prefer it to remain so."

I didn't see the point considering she was no longer part of the Earth Alliance, she was a fugitive like me now. A deserter. "You know, you're not beholden to the Earth Aliance military anymore. I'm sure-"

"You'll know when I feel ready to disclose the information," Badgiruel replied.

There was a firmness to her words that strongly suggested that I drop the subject. "All right," I said.

"What are your plans now?" Badgiruel asked.

"Go back to school. After that I don't know," I replied. "I don't plan on fighting for any military ever again."

"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by that answer," Badgiruel said. "I do think Orb would be happy to have you in their own military."

"It's not what I want to do," I replied. "I was going to be a diplomat, a translator. You've seen that I can speak several languages."

"You need to work on your diplomatic skills considering how confrontational you are," Badgiruel raid with a bit of a knowing smirk on her face. "Just some words of advice."

I smiled back. "What do you know. Lieutenant-Commander Natarle Badgiruel has a sense of humor. Who knew?"

"Just you and me now, apparently." Badgiruel's smile faded then. "This wasn't the main reason why I'm here, however. I do have some more words for you. A warning."

The moment she said 'warning' any sense of humor I had immediately vanished. "Yes?"

"After what we did, it's likely there will be infiltrators after you. Blue Cosmos will not look kindly upon what we did, or upon _you_. I think there is a good chance that Blue Cosmos or a ZAFT infiltration team will make an attempt on your life before this war is over, to either capture you and force you to fight, or to ensure you will never be used against them. I'm not saying that this is guaranteed, but I want you to watch yourself."

This was the last thing I wanted to hear, but I didn't want to argue with her. Regardless, she _was_ right.

Hilda Harken, before we turned her back over to ZAFT, told me basically that the upper echelons of the PLANT government wanted me killed because I was fighting for the Earth Alliance. Perhaps that's why the GUNDAMs kept coming after me instead of be deployed where they could be more useful. The objective was to kill _me_. That might change now that I was in Orb and intended to stay there, but that didn't rule out being kidnapped or just getting killed anyway just so I'm no longer some random intangible.

And then there's Blue Cosmos. Now that I'm no longer killing my own kind, they could think the first thing I'll do is join ZAFT and fight them, so they may want me dead before that can happen.

Damn it. I hope Badgiruel is just being paranoid. But her words have too much truth behind them to just be paranoia.

"I'll be careful," I replied with complete honesty. "Even if it means I have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my lie, I'll be careful."

"Thank you," Badgiruel replied.

She turns around. "Captain Ramius would be proud of you, Cagalli. Just don't let her sacrifice go to waste. She traded her life for yours."

"I won't," I replied. "I promise."

Badgiruel nodded once, and departed without a further word. I guess there was nothing else to say.

Still, she was right. I couldn't let what Murrue had done for me go to waste. My whole life was ahead of me now because Murrue had come back for me. I had to live a fulfilling life, a good life, to try to make up for what Murrue gave up in order to save me.

It's what Murrue would have wanted for me anyway.

I just wasn't sure where to start.

* * *

"Auel's going to be moving on with that doctor lady," Stellar said to me as we departed the _Archangel_. It was sad to see that while Elle had bags, Stellar didn't have much of anything. While I was wearing my outfit from that day in Heliopolis, we had to put Stellar in a skirt and sweater owned, but not worn by, Elle's mother. Both were too big on her but not so big that Stellar would look ridiculous. "I think that means he's going to stay on the ship, that's what the doctor lady plans on doing."

"And what about Sting?" I asked.

"He's just going to stay on the ship and help too," Stellar says. "He doesn't have anywhere better to go."

So both Sting and Auel were going to stay on the _Archangel_ and probably try to join the crew, or at least serve as some kind of child auxiliaries. Orb _did_ have a few of those. Some paperwork and both Sting and Auel could become child auxiliaries and be allowed to assist on the ship, though they wouldn't be allowed to operate any weaponry.

Still . . . "Are you sure you want to leave the ship then, and come with me? Sting and Auel are your friends, Stellar."

"Cagalli . . . I want to stay with you. Please," Stellar said.

"All right. Just making sure that this is what you want," I replied.

"I want to see your mom and dad," Stellar said. "I want to see this peaceful country. I want to be safe. That's all I want."

"What are your mom and dad like, Cagalli?" Elle chimed in.

I was surprised by that question, and even further surprised that neither one of them had asked that before.

"They're good people," I said. "Very good people. Loving and kind. My mom's strong and brave, and my father is smart and supportive. You'll like them both. I'm sure they'll like you in return, Elle."

Elle smiled slightly at that, but I could see the nervousness in her eyes. She was worried she was going to be rejected. Stellar was blissfully off in her own world, not really thinking about that possibility, which I honestly kinda envy her for. But Elle? While she was still a young girl, these two months of war and losing her mother had aged her internally. Some of her innocence was gone long before it should have.

Plus, her mother's murder had never been resolved. It was eating at me as we left the ship and walked through the harbor. The murderer of Dorothy Eliarez was walking off scot-free. Why Dorothy Eliarez had to be murdered, and who did it, seemed like it was going to be a mystery forever.

It could have been Flay, she had been massively unstable back then. Natarle Badgiruel was fixated on Miriallia being the murderer but I just couldn't see Miriallia capable of that.

So who could've done it?

Would I ever know? Just like with my birth parents. Would I ever know who they were? What happened to them?

Caridad Yamato and Haruma Yamato, my adoptive mother and father respectively, are actually my maternal aunt and uncle. I don't consider them that. They _are_ my mother and father. They've never had any children of their own, not for lack of trying. But I've always been their child, their daughter, and you know what, that's what matters to me. My birth parents never were an issue, nor was the fact that neither spoke much about them. I didn't even know the names of my birth parents. And I didn't care. Caridad and Haruma Yamato_were_ my parents.

As I've said, I don't look like my parents. That's how I figured out I was adopted. My mother shares some facial features with me like the shape of our eyes and that's it, and my father doesn't look one bit like me. They've never told me much about my birth mother and father. I've never pried deeply. It's never been much of a concern to me.

Now I wondered if I should start asking those questions. Who my birth parents were. And why I was abandoned by them.

And then I saw Caridad and Haruma Yamato and all of those questions vanished from my mind.

I stopped in the middle of the walkway the moment I saw them. Both are in their late thirties, my mother's a beautiful woman who always dyes her hair blue, the same color of her eyes, and she has this deep, rich, smooth voice that I wish I had. My father is tall, stout, handsome, with dark hair and eyes, and his voice is soft and resonant, he gets your attention without raising his voice at all.

I wanted to get their attention but when I attempted to speak all that came out was a soft croak. "Mom . . . Dad."

"Cagalli?" Elle asked.

"Are you okay?" Stellar asked.

My eyes and heart were both aching upon seeing them. My eyes were blurring with tears, and I frantically rubbed my eyes on my sleeve. I couldn't help myself. It had been so long, and they knew I was alive. I could see them scanning the crowd that was leaving the _Archangel_, trying to find me.

I couldn't do anything more than run forward towards them, pushing and shoving my way through the crowd.

"Cagalli!" I could hear Stellar grab Elle and try to follow me through the crowd, but I didn't stop to wait for them. I couldn't. All I wanted in that moment was my mother and father.

Finally, I got through. I felt like I had run a marathon to get through the crowd, and now, the crowd had parted just enough for me to get a clear view of my parents.

My mother saw me first. Her face, her beautiful, youthful face, turned towards me, and her eyes widened, and her mouth fell open, just a little. "C-Cagalli?"

My father reacted next. "Cagalli!"

I croaked out my words again. "Mom . . . Dad."

I wanted to just fall on my knees but instead I forced myself to run forward. I could barely see them through my hazy vision, and I nearly stumbled and fell on my face twice, but I wouldn't let anything stop me. Not anymore.

Finally, my vocal cords began working as I came within arm's reach. "_Mom_! _Dad_!"

I wound up falling into the arms of Mom first. I buried my head in her shoulder and just let myself cry. It just felt like months and months of stress and sorrow and anger and everything else I could imagine was pouring out of me all at once. Mom's arms wrapped around me and I let her hold me for a while.

"It's okay, Cagalli," Mom said softly. "It's okay."

"I love you," I somehow managed to say. "I love you, Mom. I love you, Dad."

"We love you too," Dad said.

It took me a moment to see that Mom and Dad were on the brink of tears too.

We had all missed each other so much.

"We thought you were dead," Mom said. "You have no idea how much of a shock we got a couple of hours ago when we were told you were still alive, that you were on a _warship_."

"I know," I said. "I know."

I didn't know where to begin with telling them what had happened to me. My journey from Heliopolis all the way to here. How to explain I wound up piloting some secret giant robot called a GUNDAM and piloted it and had to protect the ship and how I killed people . . .

How my childhood best friend wound up becoming my enemy and yet somehow saved my life when I was plummeting into the atmosphere.

"Cagalli!" Stellar's voice jarred me back to reality. I turned from Mom's arms and looked over at a breathless Stellar Louissier, and an equally breathless Elle Eliarez, who's hand was wrapped in Stellar's own hand.

"I'm sorry," I said, wiping my eyes. "This is my mom and dad. Mom, Dad, this is Stellar Louissier and Elle Eliarez. I kinda picked up some little sisters along the way."

"You _what_ now?" Dad said, looking like his mind had been blown (sorry, Dad!).

"What happened to you?" Mom asked. "Are they war orphans?"

"It'll take a long time to explain," I said, wiping my eyes again. "I'll probably have to put it in writing to make any sense of it."

"I can guess," Mom said, looking as dumbfounded as Dad did.

"Don't guess. Your wildest guesses are going to be way off," I said. I turned them both and forced a smile. "It's a _long_ story."

* * *

Someday, I will come to love my world. Yes, it's crazy. Yes, it is full of hatred. Yes, it is full of violence. Yes, it is even full of betrayal. But it is full of people who I care about and who care about me.

I am not going to let the world kill me. I am not going to let the world's cruelty change me into something I'm not, into the very thing I am fighting.

That's not who I am. I refuse to be that way.

I'm Cagalli Yamato and that will never change, no matter who my parents were, or what people try to turn me into.

There are many things in this world that are wonderful and I will protect them. As long as there is more happiness than pain there is still a point to living.

I have to do my best to protect my world and all who reside in it and share it with me, and to defeat those that seek to destroy it. I may not have been put on this earth to do that, but that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to let destiny or biology or super-special genetics or anything like that dictate what I become. Only I will dictate what I will become. And those who don't believe so are going to learn that the hard way.

I'm not giving up. Not on this world, not on the PLANTs, not on Coordinators, not on Naturals. I won't do that. If I do that I am little more than the monsters I fight, if not worse.

I will never give up. I'm not built that way.

And I'm not built to crumble.

That is me, that is Cagalli Yamato.

And that is how I'm going to live my life, and appreciate all of the little moments that transpire within it.

And I will never forget that. Never.

**PART 2: MOMENT FINIS**

* * *

Music theme list for part 2:

"Where One Road Ends", "Rain", "Pounding the Pavement", and "Guiding Hand" are all compositions by Martin O'Donnell and Michael Salvatori, written for the video game _Halo 3: ODST_.

"The Beauty of Gray" is a song by Live.

"Just a Girl" is a song by No Doubt.

"The Only" is a song by Static-X.

"Town of Fiction" is a composition by Rio Hamamoto for the video game _Ace Combat: Assault Horizon_.

"Fractured (Everything I Said Was True)" is a song by Taproot.

"In The Wake of Determination" is an album by Story of the Year.

"Walk" is a song by Foo Fighters.

"Smoke & Mirrors" is an album by Lifehouse.

"Eye of the Tiger" is a song by Survivor.

"Overexposed" is an album by Maroon 5.

"Lost in the Echo" is a song by Linkin Park.

"Push It" is a song by Static-X.

"Lights Out" is a song by Breaking Benjamin.

"Winds of Change" is a song by Kutless (yes, I wasn't referencing the Scorpions XD).

"Broken Hearts, Torn Up Letters, and the Story of a Lonely Girl" is a song by Lostprophets.

"The Illusion of Safety" is an album by Thrice.

"Someone, Somewhere" is a song by Asking Alexandria.

"The Hero Dies in This One" is a song by The Ataris.

"Time After Time" is a song by Cyndi Lauper.

"Awakening" is a song by Mae.

"Sweet Emotion" is a song by Aerosmith.

"Unity" is a song by Shinedown.

"Commit This to Memory" is an album by Motion City Soundtrack.

and "My World" is a song by SPYAIR, written for the anime _Mobile Suit Gundam AGE_.

Thank you for reading this far! Until next time!


	49. River

We begin part 3 here! Enjoy!

* * *

_**Part Three: Believe**_

**Chapter Forty-Nine: River**

It was a week after I reunited with my parents.

I was still settling down then, trying to put everything behind me. Problem was, Elle and Stellar served as reminders that what I went through was real, that it indeed happened, so I could never forget it. Finally, I started writing out the beginning of my story, starting with the day the violence began, just to see if it would make me feel better. None of it seemed to helping.

Mom and Dad adjusted enough to having two extra mouths to feed. They wanted to adopt Elle away to any willing relatvies but she refused to leave my side. Those months of caring for her, that and being the one person onboard the _Archangel_ guaranteed to not have killed her mother made me the only person Elle could trust in the world. To leave me for some aunt or uncle or cousin she barely knew was tantamount to being alone forever.

Stellar . . . Stellar got along with them well. She was just full of happiness. After giving Mom and Dad careful warnings about some of Stellar's _issues_, they were able to avoid freaking Stellar out. And Stellar without any words triggering her breakdowns was a model child. She'd do anything for anyone who considered her a family member. Albeit, she needed to be taught everything first. Washing dishes was not something she was taught as an Extended.

But me? I spent a lot of time alone by a river near where I lived, just lost in thought, occasionally writing a passage of my experiences on my tablet. I couldn't help myself. I just needed to think. For the last two months, I had a purpose. I had a mission. Now I had nothing and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I had been turned into a soldier and now I wasn't one.

What was I going to do with my life?

I couldn't stand around doing _nothing_. I exercised, tried my hand at parkour again to find out my skills had atrophied and moves I used to be able to make were no longer doable. After several scrapes and falls, I had to downgrade the intensity of my workouts.

Writing wasn't satisfying my need for an outlet either. Then what would?

That's when Mom appeared to me one day at the river.

"Are you all right, Cagalli?"

Hearing that asked of me still nearly brought me to tears. I had never been asked that onboard the _Archangel_. Not by anyone other than a couple people like Kira and Murrue. To most of them I was akin to a weapon or a shield. Only to a few was I something more than that, that I was a human being with flaws and emotions. Hearing that question at that moment just made me feel vulnerable.

"No," I replied honestly. "I'm restless and depressed and feel like I'm going crazy. I just have no idea what I want to do right now."

Mom sat down next to me. "I understand. It's only been a week since you came home. It must still be a shock to you."

I had told Mom and Dad some of what happened to me, how that I had no choice but to fight and kill. It was the only way I was going to live. I didn't go into extreme detail, though. I wasn't comfortable talking about the extreme details, particularly of the later battles on the Earth. I wasn't sure if I would ever feel comfortable describing the Earth battles in detail or anyone ever again.

"It is. I got used to being on that ship, Mom, despite all of the danger and exhaustion that came with it. I got sick of being on that ship and killing people . . . and I still have nightmares about what I had to do . . . and I don't know how I'm going to move on."

Mom wrapped her shoulder around me. "We're going to help you, Cagalli. You're a strong girl. You were really brave. You know we're proud of you, and we're going to do whatever we can to help you re-adjust. I promise."

Mom's words were warm and comforting, but they didn't help as much as I wanted them to. In fact, all she and Dad reminded me about was the rumors about who or what I really was. Why ZAFT and Blue Cosmos regarded me as so important. What was I, then, to be considered so important by two vastly different organizations? Did it have to do with how I was born? Why I never knew my birth parents? Why I kept envisioning a brown seed shatter and then I could pilot like no one else?

"Thank you, Mom," I said softly, and I let myself lean into Mom's shoulder, just for a moment.

"Mom, what am I?"

"Cagalli?" Mom sounded confused, but I could hear the slight change of tone in her voice. She sounded like she had been bracing herself for my question.

"Everyone either wanted me dead or on their side while I was on that ship," I said. "They kept coming after me. I had several attempts on my life. Is it because I'm a Coordinator who was fighting on an Earth Alliance ship? Or is there something more? Why am I a Coordinator, Mom?"

Mom's hand gripped me, just a little harder. "Cagalli . . ."

"I'm scared, Mom. I used to not care why I was made a Coordinator by my birth parents or even who they were. But now that seems highly important to other people and if you know something, _anything_, you have to tell me. So I have some idea of what's going on."

"Your birth mother, who was my sister . . . was a brilliant, compassionate woman," Mom replied finally. "She did not marry a good man. Your birth father was many things, he was a brilliant scientist, he was talented, he had a clear vision . . . but he was not the most moral person. His research and breakthroughs became more important to him than life itself. I wished for you to have a life as far away from that as possible. I wanted you to have a peaceful, wonderful life."

"I know, Mom." She was absolutely right about that. Mom and Dad were nothing if not supportive of me. And I knew I spent a good portion of my childhood in those Coordinator academies because they wanted the best for me. They wanted me to succeed. "You and Dad have worked so hard for my sake. We spent way too much time apart when I was a little kid being spirited to those acadmies on the Moon."

"Neither of us wanted you to have any baggage," Mom says. "That's why we've never told you anything, even after you figured out you were adopted. We just wanted you to be happy, Cagalli. And right now, I'd still prefer if you did not know, but if you wish to . . . there isn't much I can do to stop you, is there?"

Suddenly, Mom's free hand, her right, reached into her pocket and she pulled out a music player. "This . . . this player has . . . has your mother's voice. She recorded . . . a lot in her final months in this world. You will hear your father's voice as well. Is this something you wish to hear, Cagalli?"

I wondered if my answers to my questions were on that player. All it would take was listening to it. I could take it from Mom's hand right now and start listening. And then . . .

What?

What was I going to do with all of this information? I knew nothing good had to be on that player, otherwise Mom wouldn't be so reluctant to let me listen. Clearly it was something bad. Clearly.

"No," I finally said. "Put it away. I don't want to hear it right now."

"You sure?" Mom masked. "If you think you are ready to hear it, I will let you listen."

"Just . . . just tell me my birth parents' names. That's all I want to know."

Mom bit her lip. "What I'm afraid of, Cagalli, is that you'll try to dig in deeper and deeper the more information you have. I-"

"I'm not going to do that, Mom. Have I ever lied to you?"

"No." Mom's lips relaxed. "Your parents' names were Ulen Hibiki and Via Hibiki. Via was my sister."

"Thank you." Of course, I had more questions to ask, but I wasn't going to break my promise to Mom about researching my birth parents. But I did want to know more about them.

"What was my birth mother like?" I finally asked.

"She was . . . she was a good person. Via Hibiki was ethical and she loved you very much," Mom said. "She barely got to see you before she died. When she sensed that she was in imminent danger, she passed you on to me. I never saw or even heard of her again until one day I found out she was dead."

I could piece enough together to figure out what had probably happened. "Were my birth parents killed because I was made into a Coordinator, Mom?"

"I don't know, and that's the truth," Mom replied. Her hand around my shoulder squeezed me even tighter. "I'm not sure I ever want to know why your birth parents were killed. They got themselves involved in dangerous business at your birth father's behest. What kind of dangerous business I don't know either. All I know is what Via recorded and passed on to me."

I could sense that reminiscing about this was painful for Mom. Incredibly painful.

"Thank you, Mom." I turned and faced her, and tried to smile. Mom's eyes were shimmering, like she was struggling to keep from crying. "You don't need to say anything more. You're my mom. You'll always be my mom. I love you."

I kissed her on the cheek and hugged her. She returned the embrace. "Thank you, Cagalli," she finally said.

I knew that someday I was going to want to listen to the recordings my birth mother made. They were clearly important. Perhaps they'd shine light on what I was, and why I seemed to be different, even from other Coordinators.

But now wasn't the time. That time would be years away, I thought. I just wanted to enjoy the time I had with my parents and try to relax. After all, I felt a little more piece of mind knowing my parents' names at long last. Ulen and Via Hibiki. And they were scientists. I was assuming, but I thought that it was pretty clear they had a role in creating the modern Coordinators and that was probably why I was made into one. And I wasn't going to begrudge them for it. I was born before ZAFT and PLANT became their own separate political entities from Earth. And I wasn't going to begrudge my adoptive parents either for keeping things hidden from me. They wanted me to grow up as a normal girl (albeit a normal _Coordinator_ girl) and find my own path through life.

I can't blame them for it.

After all, considering what happened next, Mom and Dad's beliefs would turn out to be totally justified.

I wasn't ready to know.

* * *

It was a good enough evening, full of relaxation and good food. Then people came over to try and kill me.

It was a normal dinner at first. Mom's a great cook. She can make anything from any type of cuisine and put her own personal touch on it and make it amazing. She used to be a chef in one of those exclusive restaurants patronized by VIP-types, so that kind of justifies it. Mom mostly writes adult romance novels (and teen urban fantasy novels under a pseudonym) as her pastime now, supplementing Dad's income. Not a day would go by without at least call and subsequent argument with her editors and publishers. Her teen novels actually sold better than the romance stuff she released under her real name, which was a constant source of annoyance _or_ amusement, depending on Mom's mood.

Dad was tired. His company was restructuring after the Heliopolis debacle and he was spending a lot of late nights there. While he didn't work for Morgenroete directly, his company supplied a lot of the parts Morgenroete used. While Morgenroete was big enough that it could brush off Heliopolis' destruction, Dad's company was not. It was struggling and still laying a lot of people off, and there were concerns that they wouldn't be able to make their quota in sales this quarter.

Stellar found everything fascinating as usual. I was amazed at how much chatter came flying out of her mouth. Elle was quiet, she usually ate in silence unless spoken to. I think we reminded her of her former family to a degree because she clearly looked lonely.

"So how are you rich if so much of your money is in stocks?" Stellar asked. "I don't get it. You don't get access to stocks unless you buy them, but if you buy them, you use up money that you have and then you have this invisible thing that goes up and down. How do you have money when you have stocks?"

Dad and Mom looked at each other. Then Dad looked at Stellar. "You'll understand if you go to business school."

"Business school?" Stellar asked. "You have to go to school to be employed by a business?"

"No, not exactly," Dad said, clearly wanting to end this conversation. He had dark circles under his eyes, he obviously just wanted to finish his dinner and go to sleep.

"Then why does business school exist?" Stellar asked. "It just seems pointless to me."

Dad, a business school graduate, just hung his head. Mom rubbed his back encouragingly. "We can explain this another time," Dad finally said.

"You say that a lot," Stellar replied.

Dad hung his head again. Mom managed to smile uneasily. "Right now, we're just trying to get you acclimated, Stellar. We can answer your more difficult questions at another time."

"Oh." Stellar picked at her food. "That makes sense."

I could _just_ hear Dad's soft sigh of relief.

I looked over at Elle, who was eating in silence. "You all right, Elle? You haven't said a word."

"I'm okay. The food is good," Elle replied.

"Thank you, I'm glad you like it, Elle," Mom said. She seemed to like Elle, which was comforting. Then again, Elle was a normal girl. Stellar wasn't. Elle was going to adjust much quicker than Stellar ever would.

Stellar suddenly set her utensils down. "Something's wrong."

"Hmm?" Dad asked.

"Outside. Something's wrong. I can feel it."

"Outside?" Mom asked. "What're you talking about?"

"Front of the house. Something's wrong. Something . . . something bad." Stellar got up from her seat. "Something bad is coming our way."

Mom and Dad both looked confused. But I wasn't. I had experience with Stellar's abilities. I even had them myself for a little while. I knew full well what Stellar was trying to say and it was already putting butterflies in my stomach and sending shivers down my spine. This was the last thing I wanted or expected.

"Mom, Dad, what Stellar's saying is that we're in trouble," I say. "She thinks someone is here to . . ." I _just_ bit back the words 'kill us'. Barely. Last thing I wanted was Stellar freaking out.

But Mom understood. Her eyes widened and she turned to Dad. "Honey, grab the guns. Hurry."

"Wait, _what_?" Dad asked.

"Grab them. Cagalli, get the children into the basement and stay there," Mom said. "We'll see if something is-"

That's when it began.

Gunfire strafing the house.

Immediately I grabbed Elle and dove to the ground as bullets shot through the front of the house. They were high-caliber machine-gun bullets, capable of shooting through several walls at a time. The dining room was in the back of the house and bullets were still powering their way through the plaster and over our heads.

Elle was screaming. I wanted to scream too. I also wanted to throw up. My stomach, full of food, seemed to be flipping over and over inside me.

I thought about my parents, and turned to see they had dived to the ground too. "What the hell?" was the only coherent words I heard, from my father.

I looked up at Stellar, who had ducked at all. The look in her violet eyes scared me to death.

"They're . . . they're here to . . ."

I immediately knew where this was going. "Stellar, calm down. We can't have you freaking out on us now. Keep it together. Please, Stellar, keep it together."

"They're . . . they're gonna-"

"Stellar, _don't say it_. Damn it, don't say it!"

"We're . . . we're gonna _die_."

That's when Stellar's eyes changed completely, and I saw the hardened look of the killer I had seen in the Indian Ocean Blue Cosmos facility.

"Stellar, look, I'm not-"

Stellar sprung to her feet and took off, just as the bullets finally came to a rest.

"Where's _she_ going?" Dad asked, holding his hands over his ears.

"She's gonna kill them all," I said.

"She's _what_?" Mom asked.

That's when I heard masculine cries of pain and guns beginning to go off. Rifles. Inside the house. They had shot up the house and now they had sent in a squad to mop up, only to find Stellar as berserk as ever.

"She's already started," I said. I grabbed a sobbing Elle and picked her up. "I'm heading to the basement. I think you . . . you should just stay out of Stellar's way until she's done. I don't know if . . . if she can tell friend from foe right now . . ."

It was unnerving. The way I was talking, the way I was rationalizing what was going on. It was like I was _used_ to it. Of course I was. I had been a soldier. I had only a week of rest between the _Archangel_ arriving in Orb and now this. It wasn't much of a break at all. I had little opportunity to become an ordinary civilian again.

"What the hell is she?" Dad asked, his voice soft, maybe even a little scared.

"I told you what she was," I replied. "She was being trained to be a super-soldier."

More masculine cries of pain, and Stellar yelling something unintelligible above more loud _cracks_ of gunfire. She _was_ killing them all. That's what she was trained to do. She was a soldier too.

Mom ran into the kitchen, and she overturned a couple of drawers until she drew a pistol. "Mom, where'd you get that?" I asked. I had no idea that my parents had owned weapons, and Mom's admission just seconds before about 'getting the guns' had been lost on me for some reason.

"Your father and I have been prepared for a while for an assassin coming to kill you," Mom said, and she handed Dad another pistol. "We weren't prepared for an _entire team_, though."

Suddenly Mom raised her pistol. She was clearly not a soldier but she had obviously taken courses in how to properly handle the weapon. She fired three times, and I heard another masculine grunt of pain and a sickening _spack_ type of noise, followed by a _thump_.

"Soldiers," Mom said softly, her eyes wide in fright and shock. "The people that are attacking us . . . they're _soldiers_."

Elle whimpered in my arms. "It's okay," I said. "It's okay, Elle. We're gonna protect you, all right? You're going to be safe."

I walked out to where Mom was standing, making sure to stay hidden behind the wall. I saw the soldier Mom had shot up, and I wished I didn't. Mom had hit him in the chest_and_ drilled him in the head. There was blood all over the corpse.

I could still hear the background chaos. Most of it sounded like it was happening _outside_ now. Stellar was still alive, there wouldn't be so much gunfire right now if she wasn't. She had clearly taken the fight to the rest of the squad, platoon, or _whoever_ was here to kill us.

Dad walked up to the soldier and ripped off the right shoulder patch. "Earth Alliance," he said grimly. "Atlantic Federation."

"Atlantic Federation?" I asked. "I just fought for the Atlantic Federation! There's no way!"

But I was lying to myself and I knew it. I had royally pissed off Blue Cosmos. These people didn't _really_ serve the Atlantic Federation. They were from Blue Cosmos, and they were here for _me_. They knew where I lived.

"Cagalli," Mom said. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I barely resisted the urge to deck my own mother out of pure fear. I looked into her blue eyes and forced myself to keep calm. I couldn't freak out. Not right now.

"Cagalli, take Elle to the basement. Stay there. Your father and I may not be soldiers but we can take care of ourselves. This is _our_ responsibility."

I knew she was right, but I still didn't want to leave. "Mom . . . Dad, you're both going to need to calm Stellar down. Remind her, when the battle is over, that she's _safe_. Say it how many times it needs to be said, ten, fifty, a hundred, whatever. Just reinforce it to her that . . . that's she's _safe_. She'll . . . she'll get ahold of herself."

"We will," Mom said. "Now get out of here. Haruma, call . . . call the authorities, if the line's not down."

"I-I'm already on it," Haruma managed as he was dialing the phone. "I-I think . . . I think the line's been d-disabled."

"May not matter," Mom said. "All of this noise has to have gotten _somebody's_ attention."

She looked at me. "Cagalli, what are you doing? _Go_!"

"R-Right, Mom."

I took Elle then and ran her into the basement, where the girl desperately clung to me. I found a corner and sat down, cradling her in my arms, whispering to her that we were going to be okay. That Stellar and Mom and Dad were going to make sure that we were all going to be okay.

Because there was no way we wouldn't be okay. There just wasn't.

But I knew, in my heart, that it wasn't true. I had thought that I had finally found safety, that I had found peace, but it had turned out to be an illusion.

They were hunting me. Blue Cosmos and probably ZAFT too. Both of them, either wanting to seize me or ensure that I could never be used against them. I was little more than a pawn to either organization, waiting to be used or taken out of their horrific game.

I sat in the basement, and I waited.

And waited.

Waited for the peace, waited for the quiet.

Waited for the illusion to appear again.

Waited just to believe, even if it was just one more second . . .

That I was safe.

* * *

Kekekekekekekeke.

Yes, this is going to be a dark and twisty little part here. And we're not even at Part 4 yet.


	50. Hurt

Thank you for your continued support so far. Part 3 is basically going to be a roller-coaster from start to finish, and Part 4 is basically going to payoff for every chapter you've had to read. Glorious payoff.

That being said, the below is extremely emo. Justifiably emo (well . . . that point can be argued), but . . . still. Emo.

* * *

**Chapter Fifty: Hurt**

At some point, Mom came down to the basement and told me I was safe.

It was a lie. I wasn't safe. If I could be assaulted by a black-ops team in my own home, I wasn't safe. I was never going to be safe again. And neither were my parents or anyone I've ever cared about. We would never be safe again. Not as long as I was here.

But I followed Mom up the stairs to find that Orb military police were all over the house, inspecting the damage and the dead, talking to my father. I saw Stellar, a white blanket draped around her and her torn clothing, an empty, hollow look in her violet eyes. She looked like she wanted to cry and leave reality all at the same time.

I had failed Stellar. I had failed Elle. I had promised them safety and they didn't even have a speck of it.

I handed Elle to Mom. Elle didn't want to let go. "Cagalli, no!"

"Let Mom take care of you. I need to talk to Stellar. It's okay, Elle."

"Cagalli!" Elle was shushed by Mom, who gently carried Elle away, leaving me just to look at Stellar.

It didn't take a genius to tell that Stellar had killed all of the attackers, besides the trooper Mom shot. My parents had been ready for an attacker. Probably ready for years for someone to come for me. They hadn't accounted for an entire squad, however. There was no way Mom and Dad would have been able to stop a squad. If it weren't for Stellar, they'd be dead. Elle would be dead too. And me? Either I'd be in their hands or dead myself. Considering they had shot up the entire house, most likely dead.

Stellar, for her part, had blood all over her and several rips and tears in her clothing. It looked like she hadn't just shot people, she had gotten into knife fights as well. And she had somehow won all of them. It looked like she had a few scratches and bruises on her but she didn't seem to have any injuries that would leave lasting harm.

What kind of girl was she to decimate an entire black-ops squad without serious injury?

I knelt down in front of Stellar, and she did not pay me any attention at all. The smell of blood wafted through my nostrils and I bit back the urge to throw up. I couldn't do that, not in front of Stellar. "Stellar, it's me. Are you all right?"

"You promised me I would be safe."

Her voice, soft, resonant, accusatory, angry, bitter, despairing. All at once. It made replying almost impossible.

"I-I know, Stellar."

"You promised me I would be safe."

Her violet eyes were looking at me now. They wore the look of betrayal. And I felt afraid. I felt afraid that Stellar would do to me that she did to the attackers, that she did to anyone who crossed her.

"S-Stellar . . . please . . ."

I felt pathetic in that instant, as I realized I was on the verge of begging Stellar for my life. I was so afraid. I was nothing but fear in front of Stellar in that moment, believing that this girl would, at any second, attempt to murder me.

"I wanted to be safe," she said then, her voice softer. Some of her aggression was gone, but enough of it was still there that my hairs were still standing on end and I was finding it difficult to breathe. The tension wasn't just audible, it was close to _visible_.

"I-I know. It's all my fault," I managed. "They were after me, Stellar. Not you."

"You?" Stellar asked.

"They wanted to kill me, Stellar. That's why they came here. They somehow knew where I lived and they wanted me dead. I would not have survived that assault if it weren't for you, Stellar. You saved my life."

"I . . . saved you?" Stellar's eyes and voice both softened, just a little bit.

"Yes, you did," I said. "You saved me. Thank you."

"I saved you." Stellar bit her lip. "I saved you, Cagalli? I really did?"

The chill in my spine faded, just a little. Somehow, telling her that she had saved me had triggered something, and Stellar was calming down, returning to how she normally was. "You fought them for a reason, Stellar, and that was to protect me. Thank you," I said.

"Big sister Cagalli," Stellar said. Her lips trembled and I suddenly saw tears spill from her eyes. She suddenly lurched forward and fell into my arms.

"Big sister Cagalli, big sister Cagalli," Stellar cried softly as she held me tight.

"It's okay, Stellar," I managed. "It's okay. Thank you. Thank you so much."

Now she wasn't an elite super-soldier in training. She was Stellar Louissier again. A fourteen-year-old girl who had clear psychological aliments that she needed to overcome and a supreme athleticism that allowed her to just _do_ things other Naturals couldn't do. Even with the drugs out of her system, Stellar clearly could still be an elite soldier. I could only imagine how terrifying Stellar would be to face under the drugs' influence. I had only seen glimpses of that back on that Blue Cosmos island.

But then again, Stellar was different. She was an Extended, a 'new type of human being'. She had something I could never have, not without Stellar bestowing it upon me. That probably was the deciding factor in that battle, Stellar just _knew_ what her enemies were going to do right before they were going to do it, and that was how she could annihilate a squad of elite soldiers on her own.

"I love you, big sister Cagalli," Stellar moaned.

"Thank you. I love you too," I said. I was surprised that I said that, to be honest. The words had come out of my mouth without me even thinking about it. It felt like the right words to say, to this girl who wanted to be part of my family, who had called me 'big sister' virtually the moment after she came onboard the _Archangel_.

Eventually, Stellar began calming down, and her grip on me loosened. Her next words were a whisper next to my ear. "What's wrong with me?"

"Stellar?" I asked, completely confused. I hadn't expected Stellar to say something like that at _all_.

"I . . . why was I crying?" Stellar asked. "I never cried after . . . after . . . k-killing people . . . before . . ."

Stellar hands dug into my back and I bit back a yelp. She was fighting her programming now, fighting her fear of the word 'kill' that triggered her berserk rampages. I could hear it in Stellar's breathing, in her soft moans, her fighting the urge to go right back into the unstoppable killing machine she also was. She was using me as a way to keep herself level, to fight the urge to want to kill everything in sight.

"Is . . .?" Stellar sounded like she was clenching her teeth. "Is . . . it bad to cry . . . after what I've done, Cagalli?"

Her hands stopped digging into my back and I just barely kept my sigh of relief soft. Barely. It took me a few seconds in order to answer after basking in the relief of Stellar no longer maintaining a death grip.

"No," I finally said. "You're not wrong to cry. I've cried a lot after I had to . . . um, _end_ people. That means you're sorry for what you've done, Stellar. You knew you had no choice but you're sad because you didn't want to do it."

It was hard, trying to explain to this girl the concept of being human. Of being moral. Of being a good person, even though she had to kill. Considering Stellar could easily get confused, I wasn't sure if I would accidentally send her the wrong message. I wasn't sure what Stellar was trying to tell me and what I needed to say, so I had to be cxtremely careful.

"I'm not weak?" Stellar asked.

I knew how to answer that one. I had lucked out, huge. "No, you're not weak, Stellar. You're anything but weak."

"So crying . . . isn't weakness?" Stellar asked.

"It _can_ be weakness," I said, "But it's not weakness here. What you're feeling right now . . . is sorrow. This is not because of weakness, Stellar."

"Sorrow." Stellar doesn't say anything for a second. Then . . . "So sorrow is when my heart hurts even though it hasn't been injured."

"Yeah," I said. "That's sorrow."

That's when I saw him.

He was walking in disguise. He clearly didn't want to cause a scene, hiding under a hat and casual clothing. But I saw his face, and there were unmistakable bodyguards following him.

The beard gave it away.

Uzumi Nara Athha, the Prime Minister of Orb and a member of the royal family that controlled the country . . . and also Kira's father.

What was _he_ doing here?

He didn't look at me or even seem to notice me. Perhaps he did and he thought that if he and I looked at each other I would notice him, and by ignoring him I would ignore him too.

It's not like that. I was a political science major. My studies had me virtually drown in politics. I had heard his voice, and seen his face, so many times that I could not forget it even if I wanted to.

And coming out here, in the middle of nowhere, in a disguise, right after a shooting, is not something a Prime Minister of Orb does.

No, something else was going on.

Something big.

My curiosity seized control of me. I had to know what and why he was doing here. The back of my head seized on conspiracy theories and some of them were about _me_. Again, my mother and the recorder this morning, and the many, many hints that I was _not like everyone else_ . . .

I had to follow. I had to.

"Stellar," I said. "I need to go. Something else is up."

"There . . . there shouldn't be any other danger," Stellar said.

"Yeah, but I still don't like it. I'm going to follow that man," I said. "Stay here."

"Cagalli-"

"Stellar, please stay here. I'll be all right."

But when I got up to follow Uzumi Nara Athha, Stellar followed me anyway.

* * *

I stopped trying to shake Stellar off after a while. She seemed to realize right away that I was trying to sneak around and she clammed right up and followed me as quietly as possible. And she was good at being quiet.

What I wound up doing was follow Athha and his bodyguards towards my parents' bedroom and they closed the door behind them. I followed them right to the bedroom door and stopped right outside it, careful to sit down outside without making any noise.

That's when Uzumi Nara Athha spoke and my suspicions were confirmed. "Caridad, Haruma, are you both all right?"

First-name basis with my parents. Holy crap.

Mom's voice. "We're all right, Lord Uzumi. That girl Cagalli brought home, Stellar . . . she's the reason we're still alive. She eliminated virtually the entire enemy squad on her own."

"Yes, the Extended children," Lord Uzumi said, in what sounded like a grave tone. "They seem to have incredible abilities even without the drugs that one of them, Sting Oakley, told us about. Extrasensory perception . . . I did not think it was possible in any shape or form until I met that young man."

Stellar opened her mouth and I made a "shush" motion with my finger and lips. Stellar nodded and kept her mouth shut.

"I didn't grasp what she was until she took them all out," Dad said. "She scares the hell out of me now, but I can't very well turn her away either. We all owe her our lives."

"What have you been able to figure out?" Mom asked. "Were they after Cagalli or Stellar or both?"

"I doubt they had any idea Stellar was there. Otherwise they would have come prepared for her," Lord Uzumi replied. "From what my people have been able to discern, they are Blue Cosmos agents. They came here to kill Cagalli."

Immediately I looked at Stellar and frantically motioned at Stellar to shush. Stellar seemed to be resisting the urge to freak out and finally she covered her ears with her hands to block out the voices.

At least this way she wouldn't accidentally cause a disturbance. She wasn't going to have a _clue_ as to what was going on, though?

"I had a feeling you were right," Mom said. "Haruma and I have hidden guns in the home for a . . . _very_ long time, in the event someone came for Cagalli. But what just happened is beyond anything Haruma and I can do."

"Damn Ulen and his experiments," Haruma growled. "If he hadn't done what he did to Cagalli none of this would be happening!"

My heart almost stopped for a second. My father . . . my birth father . . . actually _experimented_ on me? Was that why . . .?

I almost couldn't function after hearing that. It took concentration just to keep listening.

"We can't change that now," Lord Uzumi said. "Anymore than we can change the journey Kira and Cagalli took on the _Archangel_."

"I don't think we can hide the truth from Cagalli any longer," Mom said. "She was asking me about her origins this morning, not closely, mind you, but she _was_. After what just happened she's going to demand to know_everything_. That's how she is."

"I'm still shocked Cagalli didn't realize the truth about Kira and her after two whole months on that ship with him," Dad said.

_Truth_? My mind raced. What truth with Kira and I? What did Dad mean by that? Was Kira like me, or was he something else?

"I never imagined Kira and Cagalli would ever see each other again," Lord Uzumi said. "Much less spend two whole months together on that ship, working as a team to keep the _Archangel_ safe. I'd almost say it was fate."

What was he talking about? Had I met Kira sometime before, long ago? Maybe when we were little kids? I couldn't remember ever meeting anyone who looked remotely like Kira. Or felt that strange sense of familiarity and trust with anyone else before, either. He had felt like an old friend so quickly after I met him, and . . .

Why?

"Is the truth still being kept from Kira?" Dad asked.

"His past does not have Cagalli's baggage," Lord Uzumi said. "He is a Natural. His father spared him the experiments he subjected Cagalli to."

My mind immediately erupted.

Instantly, I made all of the connections in my mind.

The familiarity I felt with Kira, like I should have known him even though I did not. The 'experiments' dialogue, where it was outright said my own birth father experimented on me and . . . that meant that since Kira was spared . . .

Kira was my brother.

I had spent all that time on that ship, and he was right there. My brother, helping me all along. And I never knew.

"Ulen had no right to do what he did," Mom spat with a viciousness I almost never heard from her. "He subjected my sister to so much pain and torment over what he did! And now his work is finally coming to haunt all of us, including the children he left behind because of his immorality!"

_What were they talking about_?

I heard a recorded voice playing. It sounded like a woman's voice.

"_Give her back to me_!" the female voice cried. "_Give her back! Don't do this to her, Ulen! You're playing God with our daughter_!"

"_I've almost cracked it! The last subject was _almost_ perfect! I have to continue in this direction! I must!_" the deep, almost-domineering voice of what had to be my birth father replied.

"_That poor girl you experimented on will be lucky to make it through more than a decade of life_!" the woman's voice said. "_I won't let you do this to our daughter! I won't let those bastards use her_!"

"_That girl is _my_ daughter, Via!_" my birth father replied, confirming that the sobbing, crying woman was indeed my birth mother. "_I will do with her what I have to do for the sake of the project! _Your_ son is expendable and frankly so are you. Do yourself and your son a favor and not interfere with my work_!"

I heard a _click_ and the recording stopped, and I could hear Mom struggling to hold back sobs of her own. "V-Via _died_ over this . . . over what that bastard did to Cagalli, Lord Uzumi. W-What are we supposed to d-do, huh? Before we all end up like Via and Ulen?"

It took me a moment to realize I was beginning to cry myself. My face had heated up and I could feel my eyes moistening and see what seemed to be a layer of mist form over my vision. I was crying.

_I . . . I'm an experiment_?

Imagine hearing that for the first time. That you're definitely not normal. In fact, you didn't even make it through your mother's womb without being experimented upon! Maybe I wasn't even born inside my mother's womb! My mother . . . my poor mother was screaming over me being _taken_ from her . . . had I been yanked from her womb?

Did that mean I was a child of _no one_?

I suddenly heard Lord Uzumi's voice, and it was grave. "I believe I hear your daughter crying outside the door. I . . . I think we should decide what to do with her _first_."

They had heard me. I couldn't keep myself quiet enough to keep from being heard. I barely staggered to my feet in time for the door to open and I found myself staring at Lord Uzumi and my parents.

"Cagalli," Dad said.

"Oh my God," Mom gasped, her hands in front of her mouth.

Seeing them just made more tears spill from my eyes and I couldn't even muster the effort to wipe them away.

"What . . . w-what am I?" I forced out.

"Cagalli, I . . . I'm so sorry," Mom said.

"Mom, what am I?" I shouted.

Lord Uzumi approached me. "Cagalli, what you have heard is out of context. You need to calm down and-"

He seemed to be trying like a kindly old uncle and that terrified me. I took my hands and shoved him away from me. "Stay away from me! Stay away!"

"Cagalli, you need to calm down!" Dad pleaded.

"Calm down?" I screamed. "How can I calm down? I just found out I'm a _freak_! That's all I am! A _freak_everyone's fighting over like I'm some stupid pawn!"

"Cagalli," Mom begged, her voice choked up. "Please."

"_Shut up_!" I couldn't control myself anymore. All I had was panic and rage and sadness and it was an unstoppable wave of emotion that I could not stop. "Shut up! You're just a _liar_! All of you and everyone else! You just _lie_ to me!"

"Cagalli," Mom begged again. "Please stop b-backing a-away. W-We love you, Cagalli. P-Please."

Mom's eyes, shaped like my own, crying just as I was, brought the temptation to stay. But it wasn't anywhere close enough to what I needed. In fact, seeing her cry just made me _angrier_.

"Go to _hell_ you _bitch_!" I screamed before I could stop myself.

Mom gasped and her eyes widened in shock.

Dad's eyes widened too. Even Uzumi and his bodyguards looked stunned.

It hit me too, what I had said to my mother, my _real_ mother, who I had told that very morning that I loved her.

"Oh . . . I . . ." I couldn't talk anymore, staring at Mom who looked like she was going to completely fall into pieces in front of my eyes.

Mom, who I had just . . . I had just . . .

Dad could still talk. "Cagalli . . . I know you . . ."

I couldn't stay there anymore. I did what kids do when they scream hateful things at their parents.

I ran away.

* * *

It felt like miles before I finally collapsed at the side of a river and just sobbed into the grass, my hands pulling out clumps of weeds, grass, and dirt as I wailed at . . . at something. At myself, at my birth parents, at my _real_ parents, at the Prime Minister . . . maybe even at Kira. I didn't know anymore. I just felt like I shouldn't even exist.

I felt like the lowliest piece of scum to ever inhabit the world. Part of me wanted to wither away and die and just be forgotten by everyone and everything. I didn't even want my body to remain after I died. I just wanted be burned into ash and blown away by the wind until I either became food for trees or fish or something so there would be nothing left of me.

The other part of me wanted to run back to my house, to Mom, and cry into her arms and tell her I'm sorry and I didn't mean it. I wanted the warmth I had felt with her that morning, right before all of this had happened. And yet I felt like I no longer deserved such things. I had condemned my own mother, who had given me nothing but love, and this is what I deserved. Being alone.

I was a _science experiment_. I wasn't even a Coordinator who had gotten modified while I was in the womb! I was physically _yanked_ out of it! Violated by my own birth father!

No wonder I wasn't like everyone else! What right did I have to live? What gave me the right to murder human beings in war when I wasn't like them? I was just the result of my insane birth father's tinkering with things he barely understood!

What was I? A monster? A super-soldier? A time-bomb? Something else?

I crawled my exhausted, aching body over to the river and stared at the reflection of my red, puffy face and bloodshot eyes, and it just made me feel even more disgusted. I cupped my face into my hands and resumed crying. There was nothing else I could do.

I felt like I couldn't go back home and yet I couldn't move on either. I was lost, hopeless, and felt like absolutely _nothing_.

I was nothing but a science experiment brought to life like Frankenstein's monster. That's all I was.

My world had completely collapsed and there was nothing I could do but cry.

And that's when I heard footsteps.

Someone else was here.

I didn't want whoever it was anywhere near me. I turned towards the figure and I couldn't see who he or she was through my blurred, misty vision. "What the hell do you want, huh? Go away! Leave me alone!"

"I can't do that, Cagalli."

That voice . . . I _knew_ that voice!

"I-It's you? I-I thought . . ." It was someone I could trust, but that person wasn't supposed to be anywhere _near_ Onogoro! Why? What was this person doing here?

"I was. Then I found out I had no choice but to come here."

The person's voice was so hollow, so despairing, like the person had gone past the point of tears and was just going through the motions of life.

And then the person raised something. And then I blinked, and I saw a pistol in the person's hand.

_Oh my God_. I didn't just feel hopeless anymore. I felt like an ant who was finally going to be squashed underfoot, left to be carried away by its comrades who would also be squashed by the same cruelty that killed me.

"W-Why?" I finally asked. "I-I trusted you."

"I was given no choice," the person said. "If I don't . . . if I don't . . ."

The person sighed. "Never mind. Goodbye, Cagalli."

The person aimed at me and the person's finger began to press on the trigger.

And my life began to flash before my eyes as I waited to die.

* * *

Wow, you're still reading after all that emo? Heh, congratulations. :3

Anyway, the next chapter will go up on my birthday (which is the 24th) so this will get resolved quickly. Promise. The chapter's already done and ready to go.


	51. Bait and Switch

Wow, last chapter had a pretty strong reaction. I was really amazed by the responses and people wanting a resolution, and also a revelation on who the shooter is. Well, you get your answer right away. The story changes in a big way in this chapter, and it will go into a dynamic not seen in the original Gundam SEED. And I'm sure what happens here is going to frustrate a lot of people too. This is another brutal chapter, though chapter 52 will offer a bit of respite from the intensity, I promise.

Though you, the guy who wants a Witchblade crossover or turn Cagalli into a mermaid . . . yeah, no. Not happening. Ever.

Here we go.

* * *

**Chapter Fifty-One: Bait and Switch**

"Tolle! Wait! Please!" I screamed as his finger closed around the trigger.

Tolle's eyes shimmered. "Cagalli! I can't! If I don't-"

"Why the hell are you doing this? I trusted you! I loved you! Was it you the whole time? Were you the one who murdered Dorothy Eliarez? Have you just been some spy waiting for your chance to kill me? Is that all you are, huh? Just another lie?"

I couldn't even look at him anymore. I just buried my face in my hands and cried.

This was perfect. Just too perfect. Now my boyfriend was revealed to be out to kill me the entire time! I had nobody, nobody at all! And now I was going to die out here, far away from anyone who remotely cared about me, completely alone, in the hands of someone who had played me like a fool and had succeeded!

"You think this is what I want to do?" Tolle shouted. His voice was trembling, like he wanted to cry himself. "I love you too, you know! But I was given no choice!"

"You have a choice you stupid bastard!" I screamed as I looked at him through blurred vision. "You don't have to kill me!"

"If I don't kill you my entire family's going to die!" Tolle shouted back. "It's them or it's you! That's what they told me!"

'They'? Who was 'they'?

Who was I kidding? I knew who 'they' were without much thinking.

"Blue Cosmos, huh? They put you up to this?" I asked. "You've been deceiving me? Playing me? Just so you can kill me?"

"I have no choice!" Tolle shouted. "What part of this don't you understand? One of the people you rescued in that lifeboat was a Blue Cosmos spy and she put me up to this! Said that she knew where I lived and if I didn't take care of you she would make sure my family would die! I begged Miri for help and she said she would! So when the woman got hurt Miriallia and I stuck our necks out for you! I'm the one who killed Dorothy Eliarez but Miriallia made sure she was seen so she'd be the suspect instead! I thought it would be over after that!"

The shock seemed to freeze the entire world for the next few seconds. My whole body shook and I was back down to my hands and knees, staring at the ground I had torn up with my hands just moments earlier.

Dorothy Eliarez . . . she was . . . she was just a Blue Cosmos agent, the whole time? But then she entrusted her daughter to me for babysitting multiple times before she died! Why would she do that, have a Coordinator babysit her own child?

This made no sense!

"T-Tolle?" I finally asked.

"I love you, Cagalli! I did everything I could to avoid this!" Tolle shouted. He looked like he was going to collapse himself. His knees were quivering and the grip on his gun was becoming increasingly shaky. He could accidentally fire the gun at any time. He could miss me completely or drill me in the head or anywhere in between, the way that gun was shaking.

"They came back for me, Cagalli! Once they get you there's no e-escape from them," Tolle managed through his choked voice. "They just force you to do whatever the hell they want, and they don't care how they make you do it."

"Tolle, don't do this! They could have murdered your family anyway and just kill you once you kill me!" I pleaded. "You'd just be a loose end, Tolle!"

"I know that! But . . ." Tolle just shook his head. "But I have to go with the choice that even gives my family a slim chance of survival. Do you understand that?"

I could. But I'd also try to find any way possible to try to avoid killing someone I love in order to protect someone else I love. I wouldn't just give up. Not like this, and do something evil.

But in the condition I was in, I felt nothing but despair. I was going to be murdered by my own boyfriend who was reluctantly playing the puppet being controlled by Blue Cosmos. I wasn't sure if Tolle didn't secretly plan to join me in death himself after he murdered me, the way he was acting in front of me.

It seemed to be a fitting way to go, after everything I had gone through. To die in maximum suffering.

"Tolle . . ."

"I'm probably a d-dead guy after this is over. But maybe . . . m-maybe my parents, and the r-rest of my family . . . and Miri too, they'll be left alone," Tolle said, tears pouring from his eyes. "I love you, Cagalli . . . but it's either we all die or just you and probably me. Y-You know what choice I have to make."

I could understand. And in that moment, after finding out what I was, where I had come from, and had finally an inkling of what had been done to me . . .

I almost wanted Tolle to kill me.

It would be so much easier if I were to die right here and now. It would be fitting too. My family would be so completely heartbroken and I had likely secured myself a place in hell for my actions in the war and over what I had screamed at Mom. I was suffering in that moment and I thought I was ready to face an eternity of nothing but suffering.

"Go ahead, I won't stop you," I managed. I blinked away my tears so I could see my executioner clearly. "Goodbye, Tolle."

"Damn it," Tolle said. His arms were quivering even worse than before. "Damn it . . . I can't do this . . . you're . . ."

I heard a soft snap of a dead twig to my right. Tolle lowered his pistol then, and a small, bittersweet smile crossed his lips and he closed his eyes.

"Okay," he said. "Do it."

It took me a second to realize exactly what Tolle meant and by then it was too late.

Pop. Pop. Tolle's body spasmed from being hit by gunshots twice from my right.

As I saw Tolle fall, I could not scream, or gasp, or even breathe. My whole body just ceased to function other than my eyes, who could not look away from my falling boyfriend.

Tolle landed on his back, blood seeping from his wounds, breathing raggedly. A pool of blood was rapidly forming under him, he had been shot by high-velocity rounds. He didn't have more than a minute to live at best, that much I could tell.

A few seconds later, I re-discovered how to breathe. And scream.

"Tolle!" I scrambled over to him, but as I reached him I heard a male voice from my right. A familiar male voice, now without radio distortion for the first time since I met him at Heliopolis.

"Cagalli!" I turned and I saw Athrun run out of the trees and into the field, a silenced pistol in his own hands.

He was wearing street clothes and now that I could finally see him clearly he looked surprisingly handsome, looking much more like his beautiful mother than his cruel-looking father.

"A-Athrun?" was all I could say before Athrun made it to my side and grabbed my arm.

"Cagalli, we've got to get you out of here," Athrun said. "Blue Cosmos is after you with a vengeance."

"B-But Athrun!" I wouldn't budge. Not after what just happened. Tolle was dying in front of my eyes and I didn't want to go anywhere! I didn't feel like running or doing anything else! I had just about given up on everything and I honestly did not care if I lived or died anymore. I just wanted to be by Tolle.

"Cagalli! I have intelligence that says they have personnel to go after you three more times!" Athrun shouted. "You have to come with me if you want to live."

"W-What if I don't, huh?" I asked.

"What?" Athrun asked, his blue eyes widening in amazement.

The tears re-appeared in my eyes and I could just barely make my voice work. I felt empty and useless and had nothing but pain in my thoughts. "What if I . . . if I don't want to live, Athrun? What do you say to that?"

"Dammit, Cagalli!" Athrun slapped me with the palm of his hand.

The shock of his action jarred me out of my stupor, just for a moment, as Athrun grabbed my shoulders and physically shook me for a couple of seconds.

"Cagalli, I am risking my life and the lives of my entire team to get you out of here!" Athrun shouted. "You aren't dying here! You hear me? Now get ahold of yourself!"

His voice was resonant enough that somehow I didn't feel quite so empty. It just made me cry more. "A-Athrun . . ."

Athrun's hands gripped my shoulders tightly. "Come on, Cagalli. Snap out of it. Pull yourself together! I know I shot someone close to you but if you don't pull yourself together everything will be for nothing! Please!"

It wasn't just that, but Athrun wouldn't know that, of course. He hadn't been privy to that revealing little conversation between Lord Uzumi and my parents.

I knew for sure I didn't want him to know either. I didn't want him to think I was a freak too.

The moment I thought that, I realized I still wanted to live. If I still cared what Athrun thought of me, I still desired to live. I still wanted to be cared about and liked. I didn't want to die, especially not here in some random field in the middle of nowhere.

"O-Okay, Athrun," I said finally. I looked over at Tolle, who was gasping for air and moaning softly, clearly in great pain.

"Tolle . . ." I managed.

Athrun let go of me and leaned over Tolle. "I heard most of the conversation, Tolle," Athrun said. "I'm sorry I had to do this."

"I . . . I heard you break that twig . . . I saw . . . your gun . . ." Tolle managed a grimance that vaguely resembled a smile. "I . . . I knew what . . . you were . . . gonna do . . ."

"Tolle!" I pleaded but Athrun grabbed me before I got too close.

"Cagalli . . . just . . . just don't let these monsters . . . win, okay? Don't . . . let yourself die . . . please don't die . . . until you beat them . . ." Tolle said, his eyes turning to me. "P-Promise me."

He began coughing and blood came up from his mouth and I got a little bit of it spewed onto my face, which I wiped with the back of my hand. I forced myself to ignore the nauseating scent of blood as I looked at him. "I . . . I promise, Tolle."

That sealed it. No matter how much despair I felt or how difficult the path in front of me was. Not until Blue Cosmos was beaten could I stop. No surrender, and death was not an option.

I do not lie to people and I do not break my promises. That's me.

"You . . ." Tolle said, his eyes beginning to close but managing to focus just enough on Athrun, "Please . . . protect her . . ."

"I will," Athrun said solemnly. "I promise that too."

"Thank you . . ." Tolle's head turned to the side then, and with his eyes still half-open, I heard him go completely silent. No longer breathing.

"Tolle?" I reached out to him only to be grabbed by Athrun. "Tolle?"

"Cagalli, we have to go!" Athrun shouted as he pulled me to my feet.

But in that moment, I remembered something Aisha had said to me inside the cockpit of Andrew Waltfeld's LaGOWE. That the hearing of a person was the last thing to go.

"Tolle," I said, fighting Athrun for just long enough for me to still be next to his face, "Don't blame yourself. I still love you, Tolle. I still do."

I bit my lip. "Goodbye, Tolle."

Then I finally let myself get led away by Athrun, as we vanished into the forest, leaving Tolle behind . . . forever.

* * *

What had happened still hadn't registered as Athrun led me through the forest. I couldn't say a word and I was still wiping away my eyes. I still couldn't believe what had happened. Tolle, my boyfriend . . . forced to serve Blue Cosmos,dead. Killed by none other than Athrun. Tolle, who killed Dorothy Eliarez, who was a Blue Cosmos agent herself and wanted Tolle to kill me. Tolle, who had been so understanding despite me gradually falling apart over the course of the Archangel's journey . . . and he was gone.

I still couldn't believe it.

He didn't deserve that at all! Tolle didn't deserve to die! But at the same time, he was going to kill me! Athrun killed Tolle but he saved my life in the process! I didn't know how to feel that at all.

I thought about resisting Athrun but after everything that had happened my will to resist was just gone. Blue Cosmos had plans for three more attempts on my life? What much more could they possibly do to kill me? They sent a black-ops squad to kill me and when that failed they forced Tolle to do it. What could possibly be next?

It felt like I had no choice but to let Athrun lead me away from my home. It was the only way I could stay alive . . . and for those I cared about and had alienated to live too. Blue Cosmos had no reason to go after my loved ones if I was no longer there.

"Cagalli," Athrun said. "I'm going to lead us to a fairly secluded park where my driver is waiting. Doing what I did kind of blew up my mission so my team's gotta get out of here."

"Uh huh," I said, not really understanding or caring. I couldn't get my mind off of Tolle.

"Cagalli, just follow my lead through this. That's all you have to do. You will be safe."

Yeah, until ZAFT forces me to fight again, I thought. The mere idea of me fighting for ZAFT seemed alien and impossible, but if Athrun successfully got me out of Orb that was precisely what was going to happen.

Then I heard a shout behind me. "Big sister Cagalli!"

My heart nearly stopped.

Oh no, Stellar.

Somehow, she had found me. She had chased me down and found me.

She was coming to rescue me. Because she loved me. Because I was her family.

"Damn it!" Athrun began yanking his gun out of his holster.

Immediately, the nightmare of Stellar shooting Athrun went through my head and I grabbed Athrun's arm. "No, don't do it!"

"Cagalli?" Athrun's eyes widened in shock.

"You do it she'll-"

Before I could finish, Stellar burst through the trees and appeared behind us, almost out of breath. As I had expected, Stellar had a gun of her own. It was not Tolle's gun, Athrun had taken it himself, it was likely a pistol that belonged to my parents. "Big sister . . . Cagalli."

"Stellar," was all I could say.

"Let her go." Stellar aimed at Athrun like the professional soldier she was. "Let her go. Let my big sister go!"

"What the hell is going on?" Athrun asked.

"Stellar, don't shoot him! Please don't shoot him! He's my friend!" I shouted.

"Friends don't take their friends away!" Stellar yelled. Tears were already appearing in her eyes. "Friends don't do this! He's not your friend, Cagalli!"

Stellar's simplistic logic didn't completely apply to this situation but the stark clarity of her words brought a funny feeling to my heart. In a way, she was absolutely right, Athrun was basically kidnapping me and that was something a friend should not do to someone he considers a friend. But what Stellar was missing was how my life was in peril and if I was in peril so would Stellar and everyone else.

"H-He's trying to save my life," I finally said, as calmly as I could.

"How?" Stellar asked. "How is he saving your life? He's taking you away, big sister Cagalli!"

She looked at him. "I bet he's a Coordinator, isn't he? He's trying to take you into the war! I can't let him do that! I'm not letting you fight again, Cagalli! I can't!"

She was going to do it. In the name of protecting me she was going to do it. Kill Athrun, and I was going to lose another friend over this, and then I would be left with nothing.

"Stellar, if I don't let him take me away . . . it's hard to explain," I finally said.

"If it's so hard to explain then why are you letting him do this?" Stellar asked.

I heard Athrun suddenly whisper "In position?"

I didn't need to be a genius to know what that meant. Athrun had a sniper covering him. That sniper was going to blow Stellar's head off.

"Please don't, Athrun!" I pleaded.

Athrun gave me a look, but immediately said "Nonlethal. She's Cagalli's friend . . . sister . . . something."

"W-What? What's going on?" Stellar asked, her eyes wide in confusion and a steady realization that she was about to be fired upon.

That's when I heard a pop from the left and a dart struck Stellar right in the neck.

Stellar's eyes widened and she gasped in shock. She dropped her weapon and tried to yank the dart out of her, but the dart emptied its contents before she could.

I ran towards her but Stellar was already falling to her knees before I could get to her. I caught her just as her body went limp.

"B-Big sister C-Cagalli? Why?" Stellar forced out in a near-whisper. "It's so we all stay alive," I said. "Including you. I'm protecting you by doing this, Stellar."

"I-I don't . . . understand . . ."

Stellar's voice broke my heart. It really did. I was crying all over again holding her in arms, watching Stellar fade away into unconsciousness.

"If . . . if I don't go with ZAFT," I said, "Blue Cosmos . . . Blue Cosmos is going to keep . . . k-keep trying to kill me, Stellar. And they'll kill you too if I'm still here. The only way for you and Elle to be safe . . . is for me to leave. I'm sorry, Stellar . . . please take care of Elle for me until I come back."

"I . . . I . . ." I saw in her eyes a brief glimpse of her berserker rampage, over my use of the word 'kill', but it couldn't burn off the tranquilizer. She fell unconscious then, completely limp in my arms, lost to the world including myself.

"I-I'm really sorry." It was then when Athrun grabbed my shoulder.

"She'll live," Athrun said. "But we can't take her with us. We have to go, Cagalli."

I knew he was right. I knew he was right, but . . .

I couldn't help wishing there was a better way.

Without hurting someone else who I loved.

* * *

Athrun led me to a sedan that was his getaway car where he and the green-haired young man named Nicol both met up. The driver was someone else I didn't recognize, but it wasn't Dearka or Asta for sure. Had to be another ZAFT agent. Wouldn't surprise me if he was the sniper Athrun had talked to.

As it slowly hit me that Tolle had been killed by Athrun, and that Stellar had been tranquilized on Athrun's orders, I wanted to throw up. No matter what I could do I could not escape the war. The war had come and yanked me back in.

This was so messed up and confusing. It made my brain hurt which just made my nausea worse.

"You look pale," Athrun finally said. He was in the rear seat with me, and Nicol had taken the passenger's seat in the front of the sedan.

"I want to throw up," I said. It was clear Athrun was assuming it was entirely over what had happened to Tolle and Stellar and I was content with leaving that impression. As much as I wanted to talk about what I had learned just hours before, about how I was an experiment of my own birth father, I couldn't say a word about it. I just couldn't. I had cut off ties with everyone else over what I had learned and I didn't want to risk losing Athrun. I didn't want him to think I was a freak too.

Athrun was all I had left after the way I had melted down. I couldn't lose him. He was the one person who still cared about me that I had not completely alienated or seen killed in front of my eyes. If I pushed him away, or made me scared or queasy about me . . . I would have absolutely no one.

The fear and sadness of being alone was still gripping me. Now that I had control over my emotions, however, tenuous as it was, I knew I never wanted to feel that level of despair ever again. I could not let myself feel that I deserved pain or despair. I had promised Tolle, in practice, that I would avenge him, and destroy Blue Cosmos. If I gave into despair I would never accomplish that and just be another dead Coordinator.

In a way, what was happening to me was playing right into the hands of the revenge quest. Now I was in ZAFT's hands. They were likely bringing me to their base and I was going to be given a Mobile Suit and forced to fight. I was being brought back into the war. I would likely be pit against Blue Cosmos. I could destroy them right on the field of battle.

So even in that moment, I could not hate Athrun even though he had killed Tolle. Hating Athrun would just make me alone again. I had lost everything and all I had gained from it was my childhood friend who had done what he had to in order to save my life.

Tolle had let Athrun shoot him. He was so far gone into despair himself that he had allowed Athrun to kill him in order to protect me. He had taken the third option out of the three horrific choices he had: the scenario where he failed his mission by dying and where Athrun led me away, and Tolle's family would not come to harm because Tolle hadn't disobeyed orders. The only life lost would be Tolle's own life.

What if Tolle had known about me? The truth, that I was a concoction of my birth father's laboratory or something? Would he have made the same decision then?

No, I knew Tolle. He had said the truth and nothing but the truth back there and he cared for me so much that the choice he had to make had driven him past the brink of despair, where he preferred death over murdering me. He would have accepted me, even with knowing what I was. He would have made the same exact choice.

Athrun . . . I could not be sure.

"Cagalli." Athrun's voice jarred me from my thoughts. "I . . . I know you must hate my guts right now, and . . . please, I-"

"Athrun, I know why you did what you did," I said. "You saved my life. I'd be crazy if I hated you for it. Just don't talk to me about it. He was my boyfriend, and she . . . she was my adopted little sister."

"Okay." Athrun looked away then.

I looked at him as he was staring out the window. He looked . . . sad. I had forgotten how melancholy he looked much of the time. Even when he was a child, he was sensitive and didn't smile very often, and when he did it was usually around me when I tried to cheer him up. He always seemed like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, legitimately. You wanted to slap him but knew you would be in the wrong for slapping him, if that makes any sense at all.

"This . . . this wasn't how . . . I wanted to see you in person again," Athrun said. "I . . . I wanted somethingdifferent."

"Athrun . . ." I reached out and grabbed his arm and pulled him closer.

"Cagalli." He looked absolutely stunned.

"Just . . . just let me grab your arm for a while," I said. "I've . . . I've had a really bad day."

"Okay," Athrun said. He didn't even wince in pain and I knew I was holding him tightly. His arm wasn't big by any means but it was sinewy and strong and I took comfort from that. I needed something firm and strong. It would help me re-center myself.

The green-haired young man, Nicol, looked back at us. "I'm . . . I'm glad you're still alive to be honest, Cagalli Yamato. We were sent here to check on the Archangel's status and whether you were intending on staying a civilian or going to fight for the Earth Alliance. Athrun kinda deviated from the mission here to grab you after what Blue Cosmos tried to do to you. I'm amazed you're still alive."

"Someone saved my life," I said. "Someone who's very good at killing." I didn't have the heart to tell Athrun that the person in question was Stellar.

"We saw," Nicol said. "I'm sorry for . . . for reminding you of that. You've been through a lot today."

"You have no idea," I answered.

"Anyway . . . I'm Nicol Amalfi," Nicol said. "If . . . if you want to say anything . . . I'm here too, okay?"

He smiled at me and I know he was trying to comfort me but I didn't want Nicol's comfort, I just wanted to hold onto Athrun's arm. So I looked away from Nicol, but I didn't look at Athrun either, I just looked out the window to my left side, and watched the world pass by. My home, which I was going to leave.

The creeping realization that I was just going to ZAFT to fight for the Coordinators was not helping.

I thought I was done with the war. Blue Cosmos made it pretty clear I wouldn't be done with the war until I was dead. And now ZAFT had come to drag me into it on their side. Now I was going to kill Earth Alliance personnel, after two months protecting a bunch of Earth Alliance personnel on the Archangel.

But I wasn't going to despair again. I couldn't. I promised Tolle no despair. I promised Tolle that Blue Cosmos would cease to exist. I promised Tolle without directly saying so that his death would not be in vain. I was going to tear apart their twisted machinations no matter how hard I had to work or how long it took. I could not give up. That was an option that was no longer acceptable.

But there was more than that too. Kira was my brother, and it seemed almost beyond doubt that he was mytwin brother at that. He deserved to hear it from me personally that he was my brother. He was not going to discover this post-mortem or never find out period. I was going to return here and tell him right to his face that he was my brother.

And my Mom and Dad . . . who I had spewed such hateful words at, calling them liars and telling Mom to go to hell. And Stellar, who I had left behind in the forest, tranquilized and likely feeling betrayed by me. And Elle, who I had handed off to Mom and never saw again.

There was no way I could let things end like that. I needed to return and apologize to them all for my stupidity and callousness.

Especially to my parents. No wonder they had never told me. I had completely melted down upon knowing. They knew I would. They knew me better than I knew myself.

I had reasons to live yet. No more despair.

"Cagalli . . . are you okay?" Athrun asked me.

"I'm fine," I said.

"I'm starting to lose feeling in my arm . . . and you're not saying a word. If you have anything to say . . ."

I loosened my grip on his arm, just a little, but there was no way I could articulate what I felt to Athrun. The words weren't coming out.

"Athrun, there is nothing I can say without making everything worse. Words will only . . . they'd only make things worse because I'll screw it up. If you know me . . . truly know me . . . you'll know I don't have to say anything at all."

Athrun's free arm, his right, reached across and gripped one of my hands wrapped around his left arm. "Then I won't say anything either."

We looked at each other, just for a moment, before we both looked away.

We drove for a while in silence. I enjoyed the quiet. After everything that had happened, silence was golden. No music, no voices, windows rolled up to block all outside noise, the only discernible sound being the hum of the car's engine. That's all I wanted, all that I needed, in that moment.

"We'll . . . we'll be coming up on the extraction site shortly," Athrun said softly after what seemed like hours of silence. "You will be okay."

"If you say so," I said.

"Athrun . . ." That was Nicol, from the front. "You know they're going to press her into service as soon as possible after you make your report . . . perhaps even the moment we arrive at Carpentaria. Are you sure that's the right thing to say?"

"Nicol, Athrun, I know they're going to make me fight, okay? It's not a shock to me," I said. "I . . . I just need a few days to get over what's happened . . . and then I will be ready to fight. Okay?"

I did not like PLANT or ZAFT. My low opinion of the PLANT government still stood. I still thought PLANT was effectively controlled by ZAFT, thus turning PLANT into a military dictatorship in all but name only. But fighting for ZAFT would serve my purposes. Blue Cosmos had ruined my life, my peace. They had tried to kill me, kill my family, and forced my boyfriend into an impossible choice where his only out was his own death. All because of the mere fear that I could fight against them.

Pathetic. That's what those bigots were. Completely, hopelessly, pathetic, to be afraid of a girl a month away from her seventeenth birthday, science experiment or not.

As long as they didn't make me fight Orb, I didn't care where they sent me. I was going to make Blue Cosmospay.

"I promise you both," I said. "I will be ready to fight. And I don't break my promises."

Nicol gave me an uneasy look and he just returned to his seat. "Um . . . not the answer I was expecting . . . but okay."

"Cagalli . . ." Athrun said softly, looking shocked.

"I told you that words were just going to make everything worse. Just don't talk to me right now," I said.

"All right," Athrun said nervously.

I let the conversation end there. I just concentrated on what was going to happen in the future.

I had just survived the worst day of my life. I could, without any doubt, call it that. This was worse than Heliopolis, worse than Tassil. It was when the illusion of my safety was taken from me, when everything about my life was overturned, when I discovered what my birth father had done to me, and my boyfriend had to die in order for me to live.

If I could survive a day like this, and come out stronger . . . no one was going to kill me, no matter if it was Blue Cosmos or ZAFT. I promised myself that.

Whatever happened to me, I was going to face it, and I was going to win. That was my promise to myself, not just to Tolle.

And like I said to Athrun, Nicol, and to everyone else . . . I don't break my promises.

Everyone was going to learn that the hard way. And if they didn't like it, I honestly did not care anymore. My feelings for how people felt about me had been beaten out of me because of that day. All that mattered to me was ending this stupid war. It was clear it would not end unless I fought in it and ended it myself.

So that was what I was going to do, as impossible as the goal seemed.

That was my promise . . .

My unbreakable promise.

* * *

Alright, a lot to process here. Here's the Cliff Notes.

Dorothy Eliarez was indeed a Blue Cosmos agent. She tried to force Tolle to murder Cagalli (and it's likely the reason Dorothy had Cagalli babysit Elle was to throw off suspicion) but when Dorothy was injured when her gun blew up, Tolle and Miriallia teamed up to murder Dorothy to keep Cagalli safe. Elle, however, is completely innocent.

Yes, just like the canon, Athrun is the one to kill Tolle. Vastly different circumstances and at least Tolle got some last words out of it, though.

And for those of you who were wondering where Stellar was, well, there's your answer. She did chase them down. Didn't succeed in her mission, natch, but she did track them down.

So yeah . . . a lot just went down. Chapter 52 won't be as heavy, though. It will take place two days after chapter 51 (and, FTR, Chapters 49-51 take place one week after chapter 48 just to remind people of the time passing). Lately I've been posting on Thursdays but I think I will wait until Friday or Saturday to post so chapter 51 has time to be absorbed by you readers.

Thank you as always and until next time.


	52. Turning Into You

Wow, more strong reactions to the last one. I'm sure everyone's relieved to hear that we're going to slow down for a few chapters before the intensity starts ratcheting up again. And trust me, the intensity will go up. After all, Operation Spitbreak ain't too far away.

* * *

**Chapter Fifty-Two: Turning Into You**

The hatred was palpable in the room. I stared into her eyes, the eyes of the young woman who despised me personally more than anyone I ever met. The eyes that resembled her younger brother, who I had killed in the descent into Earth's atmosphere.

"Asta," I said, as if that would help my situation at all.

She had silver hair and blue eyes like her brother, but she parted her hair in the middle so she didn't have bangs, and she also wore her hair fairly long. I'm amazed she could fit her hair into her helmet, to be honest, considering it went down to just past her shoulders. Probably had to tie it into a bun or something.

This was not the first time I had seen her. I had met her before in Banadiya. She tried to shoot me dead, and I was saved by Aisha. And now she and I were in the same room on one of ZAFT's transport aircraft, whose name and designation I didn't bother to memorize. I honestly didn't care.

I had been brought out here by submarine and stayed maybe five minutes on a ZAFT aircraft carrier before being airlifted away to Carpentaria with the rest of Athrun's squad. I hadn't said very much to anyone during the two days since I had allowed Athrun to abduct me out of Orb. I didn't want to talk. I was just thinking what I was going to do once ZAFT forced me to fight for them.

But now, I had no choice but to converse. It was clear there would be no relieving the tension in this plane until Asta and I worked things out.

"Asta," I said again. "If there's anything you want to say to me, get it out. I'm sick of being stared at."

Yeah, I was provoking her. I didn't care. I should've.

"Don't _you_ have anything to say to _me_?" Asta growled, barely keeping her temper in check. "You murdered my little brother."

"Your brother was attempting a suicide run on the ship I was protecting," I said. "I did what I had to do to save my ship. Your brother was dead either way."

"You were protecting _Naturals_," Asta replied through clenched teeth. "You're saying a bunch of worthless Naturals are more important than one of us? Our race?"

Great, just what I needed to hear. More spewing of the 'Coordinators are superior' creed that was increasingly dominant in PLANT propaganda those days. "Those 'worthless Naturals' were my friends and the people who took me in so I would not die in Heliopolis after you people destroyed it. I owed them my life. I wasn't going to fail them or the people onboard. I was their best hope for survival."

Asta's eyes narrowed and I braced myself for her to attack me. Instead she restrained herself and just coughed into her right fist a couple of times. She had a sickly, phlegm-filled cough.

I saw her arms involuntarily flex under her uniform and she was _strong_. Practically an Amazon underneath her red ZAFT uniform. She did not look like a girl riddled with illness like what Aisha told me. But the cough told the whole story. She was clearly sick, perpetually sick, and it was likely going to kill her before long.

It fit Aisha's narrative, though, when she said that Asta had devoted her whole life just to living for her younger brother's sake. It would make sense Asta would make herself as strong and healthy as possible to try to help her chances of survival.

Athrun had been watching the whole conversation in silence. Now he finally spoke. "It's very likely they're going to have Cagalli serve in our unit, Asta. You've heard the rumors that we're building new Mobile Suits based on the GUNDAM designs found on Heliopolis. One of those machines is likely going to be Cagalli's."

Oh great. Just what I needed to hear. _More_ secret Mobile Suits for me to deal with! Hadn't I had enough to deal with for a lifetime?

"What's your point?" Asta spat.

"The two of you are going to have to co-exist," Athrun said. "And, for the record, Asta, I will not tolerate you trying to bully or intimidate Cagalli. Yzak was my friend but Cagalli made the decision she felt was right. I respect that choice given the situation she was in. I would have done the same thing in her position."

"It makes her a blood traitor," Asta said. "What makes her different from anyone else who betrays us?"

"How could I betray you people if I wasn't on your side?" I asked.

Asta's eyes narrowed again and I heard both Athrun and Nicol take a step forward. I heard the third boy, Dearka, moan "Oh boy."

"What do you mean by that?" Asta growled.

"I never fought for ZAFT or was even a citizen of the PLANTs at any point in my life. I was a foreigner the whole time I attended Coordinator academies when I was a kid. I'm a citizen of Orb. Have always been. How could I have betrayed ZAFT or the PLANTs?"

"You made the conscious decision to fight against your race!" Asta shouted. There was very little holding her back now, and I sensed the other three young men in the room ready to grab her if she tried to attack me. "You killed your own kind in the service of our blood enemies! That counts as treachery in my book!"

Asta turned her head to the side and coughed several times, each one sounding deeper and sicker than the one before. She finally stopped and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "Damn it . . ."

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a canister and put a couple of pills into her hands. She took a half-full bottle of water that I assume was hers and she took the pills and the rest of the water in one long gulp.

"I assume that helps with the coughing," I said, consciously trying to change the subject.

"It alleviates the symptoms. It works . . . for maybe three or four hours. The time it works is becoming shorter and shorter," Asta said after a moment. "Soon it won't help at all. When it stops working, I will likely not have long to live."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"I don't want your pity," Asta said, her teeth clenched again, her voice full of bitterness. "I've lived twice as long as anyone expected me to. And I'm not ready to die yet. Not until . . ."

She punched the empty seat next to her and she gave me a look full of hatred. "I will have no choice but to be your ally if you truly do fight for us, Cagalli Yamato. But after this war is over . . . watch your back, you hear me? My brother will be avenged."

Great, just what I needed to hear. Something else to worry about even after this war was over.

"Asta, I told you not to intimidate Cagalli," Athrun said sternly. "You won't do anything of the sort. Understand?"

"If you weren't my commanding officer," Asta growled, "I'd tell you to go to hell."

She stomped away, leaving me with just the three young men around my age, the blond, dark-skinned Dearka Elsman, the green-haired Nicol Amalfi, and finally Athrun Zala, my old friend.

"She's a piece of work," Nicol finally said. "She is a _really_ good pilot, though. Plus a lot of people admire her. People like her happen more often than we like to admit."

"What kind of people?" I asked.

"People born with weak, sickly bodies," Nicol said. "It happens sometimes with second-and-third-generation Coordinators. One thing PLANT doesn't like to talk about publicly is that it can be . . . extremely difficult for Coordinators to conceive, and when they do conceive . . . the children can be flawed. Often it's worse than what Asta has. Mutations or being born paralyzed in some way happens too."

"I see," I said. I remembered my science classes with Dr. Kato had said something to this effect, that there were rumors that second and especially third-generation Coordinators could be difficult to conceive, much less carry to term. Unlike first-generation Coordinators, which was what I _thought_ I was, where the child has Natural parents but was genetically modified in the mother's womb, second-and-third-generation Coordinators are children born from a Coordinator's womb. And sometimes conception could be complicated. Some people were born sterile, for example, and then there was the 'weak body' example that Asta represented. And then . . .

I don't feel like writing about the more horrifying examples. Sorry. Let's just say maternity wards have a high turnover rate.

"Asta Joule is an example of how someone with a weak body can still accomplish a lot for PLANT and the ZAFT," Dearka said. "If you watch PLANT television, or just bring up her name on the street, she's actually somewhat of a celebrity. Not an A-list celebrity, mind you . . . but someone a lot of average people know about."

"Just as long as they don't make her duet with Lacus Clyne," I replied, which made Dearka snort.

"Idol singing isn't Asta's style. There's nothing to worry about there," Dearka replied, a small smile appearing across his face.

"That's good to hear," I replied, and somehow managed to return the smile. I couldn't escape the feeling that something inside me had _died_ over the prior couple of days but now I had managed to get myself to the point where I could still tell jokes, as small and lame as they were.

Asta returned then. "We will be landing in Carpentaria in less than an hour. We will be debriefed and told of our new assignments. It doesn't sound like they want to attack Orb."

I felt mildly relieved at that, but I didn't let it show.

Athrun replied to her. "Our intelligence-gathering showed that the _Archangel_ is no longer serving the Earth Alliance. The ship and its crew have defected to Orb. As Orb is a neutral we can't take action against this without violating Orb's neutrality and sovereignty."

"Pity." Asta gave me a nasty look and I knew where she was going with this in an instant. "It would have been interesting if they made Cagalli here fight her own country."

"Stop provoking her," Athrun said. "This is my final warning. She has been through a helluva lot."

"I'm surprised she isn't ripping your head off considering what happened to her," Asta said. She turned to face me. "Didn't Athrun murder your Natural boyfriend, Cagalli? Why aren't you mad?"

She was not asking that question honestly. She was provoking me again, feeling me out, wanting to see if I was mad at Athrun. And I had every right to be. Athrun had killed my boyfriend and then ordered Stellar shot with a tranquilizer dart. I should have been _livid_, but I couldn't manage the anger.

The truth was that Athrun did exactly what he had to do to save me. He shot Tolle because Tolle had threatened my life, and in a sense it was a mercy kill. And he _could_ have had Stellar shot dead but ordered a switch to nonlethal ammunition which just sent Stellar flopping to the ground unconscious. Athrun had shown no spite nor anything but the desire to protect me. He did what he did in the interest of saving my life.

And that's what I said to her. "He saved my life, Asta. He's saved me more than once now, actually. You expect me to be yell at him, to hate him, when he's saved me? I can't do it."

Asta scoffed. "Your answer doesn't surprise me at all. Makes me wonder why I asked it in the first place."

"Look," Dearka said, kicking back in his seat, "She's one of us now. Considering how often she's kicked our asses that's a good thing. Now she can kick the Earth Alliance's asses instead."

Asta shook her head. "You just don't get it."

She left again, leaving us all in silence.

"I don't think she and Cagalli are going to co-exist if Cagalli's assigned to our unit, Athrun," Nicol said.

"They'll have to," Athrun said grimly. "There's no choice. Way too much is at stake here."

The grave tone in Athrun's words brought a nervous, tightening feelings to my stomach. I couldn't help but think that something _big_ was about to go down. Something that was a game changer, above everything else ZAFT had tried to end the war.

I was scared. I didn't want to know what it was. But I knew I was going to.

There was no way I was not going to fight for ZAFT. No way at all. They'd make sure of it.

The only mystery was in what capacity . . . and what machine would be assigned for me to fly.

One thing was for sure. I was about to get clued in.

* * *

Once we landed in Carpentaria Athrun led me away from the transport. "Follow me. I need to report this to my own commander in person and I'm sure he wants to see you. You were a bit of a thorn in his side when we were chasing after you and the legged ship."

"Sure," I said softly, biting back a number of cruel, sarcastic one-liners that would be aimed at Athrun and the entire ZAFT force in general.

"Thank you." I followed Athrun out of the airfield when we were immediately approached by a woman in a green ZAFT uniform, she looked like a young, freshly minted officer.

"Captain Zala! I was ordered by headquarters to meet you here!" the woman said as she saluted.

"Yes?" Athrun asked. "Please go ahead."

"You and your squadron are to depart for the Mass Driver as soon as possible once 1st Lieutenant Yamato is ready to join you! Your detachment is being temporarily withdrawn to the PLANTs!" the woman said.

"W-Wait, _what_?" I asked, completely shocked by what I had just heard. "I'm a 1st Lieutenant now?"

The woman turned towards me and smiled. "Unofficially. The paperwork has been prepared for your commission, 1st Lieutenant Yamato. It will be waiting for you to sign when you pick up your uniform. Congratulations, you are being inducted into the ZAFT as an elite pilot. In other words you're going to be wearing a red uniform."

It took me a moment to process all of that before I could even manage a feeble protest. "H-How did you move on this all of a sudden? It's only been two and a half days since I boarded a ZAFT vessel!"

"_I'll_ explain all of this to her," Athrun broke in, with an awkward look on his face. "Just tell me where to go for her to pick up her paperwork and . . . yeah."

"Oh, certainly! I have something for her to give the desk too!" After handing me some sort of official document, the woman gave us the directions while I could scarcely memorize over the shock of already receiving my commission. That was fast. Inhumanly fast. They were wasting no time inducting me into their military.

Like they were already waiting for me to join them.

As I followed Athrun away, the woman waved at me. "Thank you so very much for joining us, 1st Lieutenant! You're going to make so many people happy!"

I mustered an awkward wave back, and then turned right to Athrun. "What the hell is going on?"

"There's not many Coordinators left on Earth who don't serve in ZAFT's military," Athrun said. "It's rather surprising when it happens nowadays. You may be a bit of a celebrity for a while."

"Wait, _what_?" I looked around. More than a few people were looking at me. None of them looked that unhappy to see me. They were mostly gawking, and a couple were even waving and smiling.

"I guess my report to Carpentaria got leaked, so . . . it has to be a morale booster for everyone," Athrun said.

"What did you say on your report?" I asked as we entered the vestibule of the building we had been directed to. The vestibule was thankfully deserted so I felt I could speak frankly.

"I did the only thing I could do to prevent people from being _furious_ at you for killing so many of our soldiers," Athrun replied. "I fudged the truth. I glossed over your service to the Earth Alliance and reported that I convinced you to willingly defect to ZAFT."

I came very close to punching him in the face. I even began the punching motion before I stopped myself. "That's not what happened. I came because I had no choice!"

"Yeah, well, if I reported that, people would be _pissed_ at you instead of glad you're here!" Athrun responded, no humor in his eyes anymore. "I managed to write the report in a way so you wouldn't be portrayed as a blood traitor, but as an honorable person who did what she needed to do to protect civilians from a neutral nation! And now that you accomplished your task you are finally joining our side!"

"You know what a half-truth is, Athrun? A whole lie! That's what you've told ZAFT!" I replied. "Like I told Asta-"

"I _know_ what you told Asta! But there's a lot of people like Asta, they see things the way she does!"

Athrun took a deep breath and exhaled, and closed his eyes for a moment, like he was resetting himself. "So I did what I had to do to portray you in the best possible light, Cagalli. You _are_ a good person and you deserve to be treated that way. You've come all this way, you deserve to be welcomed, not to be shunned and treated like a traitor."

"I'd rather have the truth come out as it should be, regardless of the consequences," I said.

"Cagalli, please. Just roll with it. What furor there is will die down soon enough," Athrun said. "Please."

I could see the pleading in his eyes and I knew I had to acquiescence. "Fine. But let go of me. Now."

"Yes, Cagalli." Athrun did so and I immediately turned and walked towards the door.

"Wait here, please. I want to get my paperwork and my uniforms on my own," I said.

"S-Sure," Athrun said, now looking a bit nervous.

"I'm not going to spoil your little story of me," I said. "But you do anything like that again, or dress up what you've told of me even a _smidgen_ more . . . I am never speaking to you again. You hear me? I don't lie to people. That's something I don't do."

"Okay," Athrun sighed. "I understand."

"Thank you, _sir_," I said, putting emphasis on the 'sir' just to get on his nerves. I walked out of the vestibule then, and went to collect my paperwork and uniforms.

I was already starting to hate this stupid military.

* * *

The officers at the desk initially did not recognize me. "Well hello there, how can I help you?" asked a 'Lieutenant Mustang'. He was a muscular man with dark hair and eyes, and was clean-shaven.

The woman next to him, an 'Ensign Albarn' who had amber eyes and dark hair, rolled her eyes. Something told me that Mustang was a bit of an oddball. And he was either going to hit on me or be yet another person who would assume I was some kind of young boy.

"I am here to collect my paperwork and my uniform," I said, handing him that official document from that officer lady that I hadn't bothered to read.

Mustang glanced at it. "Damn, you're being inducted as an elite pilot, red uniform and all? Right onto Team Zala, one of the most specialized units in our forces? And at a 1st Lieutenant's commission? What the hell did you do to earn that right off the bat? It doesn't even look like you were ever in our forces or the academy!"

"Things," I replied.

"'Things', young man?" Mustang repeated.

"Don't start the repeating game with me," I said. "And by the way, I'm a young _woman_."

Mustang blinked. "Oops. Was wonderin' if you were too pretty-looking to be a boy. You've got one of those faces, you know, where it's hard to tell-"

I was getting _really_ annoyed with the guy and so I interrupted his apology, which he was screwing up anyway. "I'm here to collect my paperwork and my uniforms and I just want to go."

"Okay, okay," Mustang said. "It's official and signed by a 'Commander Le Creuset'. Let me authenticate it and we'll get it rolling."

Commander Le Creuset? That was _Rau_ Le Creuset! My enemy up in space! So he was involved in this too? Why was he getting involved in this?

No wait. He was Athrun's commanding officer. He likely authorized Athrun's excursion into Orb personally. And when Athrun reported he had me, only someone like Rau Le Creuset would plow through the bureaucratic red tape at such a speed so I could immediately join ZAFT's service.

And Le Creuset had witnessed what I could do firsthand. I had held off all of his elite goon squad and then some for two whole months. A lot of it was Mu La Flaga and the _Archangel_ and its crew, but if I had been shot down there would not have been much keeping the _Archangel_ from getting destroyed. I was the best deterrent _Archangel_ had and I succeeded in my mission.

"All right," Mustang said. "Looks like it checks out after all. You've got some serious brass backing you here. Commander Le Creuset is quite heralded in ZAFT."

Suddenly, a goofy smile crossed his lips. "I should mention that the ZAFT Redcoat uniform comes in _two_versions for female officers! One is the standard uniform but the other has this _really_ cute pink miniskirt! You wouldn't be mistaken for a boy with-"

Ensign Albarn grabbed Mustang's ear. "Travis! What did I tell you about trying to form your miniskirt army?"

"B-But Laura! Miniskirts!" Mustang whined through obvious pain.

Laura Albarn sighed and released Travis Mustang, but did it in a way that would cause Mustang's head to slam into the desk. Mustang just moaned quietly as Albarn turned towards me. "Please ignore the pervert. He has fantasies of making all of the female officers wear tiny miniskirts."

"It'll happen one day!" Mustang vowed from the indentation he had left in the desk. "When I get promoted high enough!"

Personally, if this was an example of his typical behavior, I'm still surprised he had even gotten promoted this far. He should've gotten tossed into the brig for sexual harassment a long time ago.

Albarn stuck out her hand. "I assume you want the standard uniform, Lieutenant Yamato, not this pervert's 'custom' job."

"Yes, definitely," I say.

Mustang just moaned in both pain and disappointment.

"All right then. Please come with me. We'll get you fitted and you will walk out of here with two dress uniforms and a pilot's suit and helmet," Albarn said. "In red, of course."

"Thank you, Ensign," I said, grateful that at least _she_ had her head screwed on straight, unlike the beefcake she was partnered with.

"No thanks are necessary. I should be thanking you," Albarn said. "You must be seriously good to be commissioned right into the elite pilots without doing time in the academy or in the field. We're clearly lucky to have you."

"Thank you," I said. I wondered how friendly she would be if she knew the truth, that I had fought for the Earth Alliance for two months before I was here.

I decided it was best neither she or Travis Mustang would know.

* * *

I returned to Athrun with one of my uniforms on and the other dress uniform wrapped around my right arm. My left hand carried my bag which held my pilot's gear. Athrun just stared at me from the vestibule, as if he was both shocked and amazed.

"What?" I asked as I opened the glass door into the vestibule and shut it behind me.

"You . . . you look good. In the uniform, I mean."

"Hmmph." I didn't think I looked that good at all. It was just a uniform to me. And it looked _strange_ on me. I was so used to wearing Earth Alliance colors. Wearing ZAFT red just . . . seemed surreal.

"I guess this means I've finally become like you. Which is what you've wanted all along, right?" I asked.

The bitterness really struck Athrun hard because he couldn't meet my eyes anymore. "Cagalli . . . that's not what I meant."

"All that time you chased after me in space and on Earth, always trying to get me to defect, to bring me onto your side. You've finally accomplished it. Now I wear the same uniform as you. Does that make you happy, Athrun?"

He didn't answer.

"Doesn't make you happy, does it? You probably thought it was going to be a dream and guess what, it's not. Better hope I don't die in the field, Athrun, or you're _really_ going to regret this."

Athrun's eyes widened, but he still did not say anything or even turn to meet my gaze.

"Was Blue Cosmos really going to make another attempt on my life, Athrun, or was it just another story?"

"It was real," Athrun said. "Everything I told you about Blue Cosmos was real. They had contingency plans for three more attempts on your life if the first two failed. I found this out by interrogating a Blue Cosmos operative myself. That's why I did what I did and took you away. I can prove it."

He wasn't lying. There wasn't anything shifty about his eyes or his voice. Still, he was pissing me off.

"Well then, I guess this means I won't do any time in the brig for insubordination," I said, and I walked past him.

"Cagalli-"

"Athrun, I did not join ZAFT for you. I joined it to protect the people I love," I interrupted. I didn't even look at him. I didn't want to see his face anymore. Looking at my sleeves, at my legs, seeing the ZAFT uniform in general . . . I just felt _angry_. At Athrun, and at myself.

"My enemy is not the Earth Alliance. I knew people from the Earth Alliance. They were kind to me. Especially a woman named Murrue Ramius," I said after a moment. "My enemies are the extremists that are taking control of the Earth Alliance. Blue Cosmos is my target. Those are the people I want to kill, not the Naturals or any politicians or soldiers."

"Cagalli . . ."

"What, Athrun? Stop saying my name like a moron and make your point."

"It's nothing much." Athrun suddenly appeared at my right side, a melancholy look on his face. "Your tone reminds me of my father. He always speaks with the bitterness and anger you're showing right now."

"Huh?" That was something I hadn't expected, being compared to Athrun's own father.

"I believe my father is going to become Chairman. They're giving Siegel Clyne a vote of no confidence on his conduct of the war," Athrun said. "My father advocates a more _aggressive_ approach and people on the Council are rallying behind him. He is not the man he was before Junius Seven. My mother . . . his wife, died there. He _changed_. He's a much crueler man, and if he becomes Chairman . . ."

"What's your point?" I asked.

"Don't let your anger and hatred eat you alive," Athrun said. "Hatred has already consumed my father. I hope it won't take you too."

"Athrun!" I wanted to say more but Athrun opened the door to the outside.

"Cagalli, my father . . . he wanted you _dead_ or to _use_ you. That's why I used every bit of clout I have and even used my commanding officer's influence to make sure you were assigned to my unit. So my father won't have his way with you once he becomes Chairman," Athrun said. "So please, don't become like him. My father hated Blue Cosmos exclusively at first, but then . . ."

He stopped. "Never mind."

"Athrun, don't just stop mid-sentence when-"

"You'll find out the rest when we meet my father," Athrun said. "Now come on. We need to set up departure arrangements as soon as possible."

"Uh . . ." Athrun was done with this conversation, I could tell. And I could also tell was I pushing him away. I had really cut him to the bone with what I've said, but he wasn't getting angry with me. Just, just growing more distant. Which wasn't what I wanted, as angry as I was over the whole situation.

I had no friends in ZAFT or PLANT. No one. Just Athrun. If I lost Athrun . . .

"I'm sorry," I finally said. "I'm just angry over everything."

"It's all right. I knew you weren't going to be happy," Athrun said. "We can talk more while we're on our way to the PLANTs. Just follow me."

"All right." I followed Athrun out of the building, and walked with him in the sun.

* * *

Admit it, you wanted to know how Lunamaria Hawke got that pink miniskirt in Gundam SEED Destiny. NOW YOU KNOW.

Hope you enjoyed! Until next week!


	53. Welcome to the Masquerade

So yeah . . . a lot has happened over the course of the last few chapters, haven't they? Just like chapter 52, this is more of a "characterization" chapter. After all, Cagalli hasn't associated with any of the PLANT/ZAFT characters for the whole story up until now . . . well, besides fighting them. They need to get their characterization in.

Someone noticed the FMA reference in the last chapter. There was a whole truckload of references, actually. Yes, there was the "Mustang" reference for FMA, but there was also . . .

1. A reference to Maka Albarn from Soul Eater (the last name of Mustang's partner in that scene).

2. Albarn and Mustang's first names (Laura and Travis) are references to Laura Bailey and Travis Willingham, who portray the characters (Maka Albarn and Roy Mustang) in English.

3. Laura Albarn and Travis Mustang's appearances are meant to resemble Bailey and Willingham's real-life appearances.

4. The "miniskirt army" line is a reference to Travis Willingham's fan club, the Miniskirt Army.

Yes, I seem to have OCD and anal-retentive aspects when it comes to stuff like this. I can't help myself sometimes. It was supposed to be a one-off joke/shoutout and wound up ballooning into a ton of them in just one scene.

Anyway . . . now that we're over my OCD-ness of the whole gag, onto the chapter.

* * *

**Chapter Fifty-Three: Welcome to the Masquerade**

"So . . . _you_ are the pilot who has somehow been beating the very best pilots and machines under my command."

Finally meeting Rau Le Creuset, Athrun's commanding officer, in person was . . . _eerie_. That was the best word for it. _Eerie_. He had long blonde hair and hid his eyes behind this white mask that also hid his pupils. There was no way to read this guy, the most I could figure was that underneath this odd serenity was a storm of intensity he kept clamped down. He wore a white officer's uniform, signifying he was of a Commander's rank and that he was in control of a sizable force.

"Yes," I said. "I am 1st Lieutenant Cagalli Yamato, Zala Team-"

"You don't need to give me the full details. I helped Athrun arrange your induction into ZAFT and assigned you to his unit. I know everything."

"Oh, right." I felt a wave of heat rush to my face and I knew I was blushing in embarrassment. The man's gaze and his resonant voice had a way of completely throwing me off guard without even trying to. I had never met a man like him before. And I wasn't sure whether I should respect him or cower in fear of him . . . or _both_.

Athrun was in the room with me, which made me feel a little better. "I heard we were being detached from your command and being sent back to the PLANTs, Commander. Do you have any information as to why it is or what our new assignment will be?"

"Ah, yes." Le Creuset walked back to his desk. "Right now I am preoccupied with the planning for Operation Spitbreak and all of my forces are in reserve. They want your team transferred into the service of the special forces operated by National Defense Committee. I believe they want you to deal with a small Earth fleet that has been causing some damage to our preparations. Then your team will drop into the atmosphere and assist the planetary insertion forces in building a beachhead, after which you will likely be transferred back into my command."

Sounded like they wanted me to drop right into the fire, not that it surprised me. But I was also confused. Athrun seemed familiar with the plans but I certainly was not. "Excuse me, but what's Operation Spitbreak?"

"Oh, right. You wouldn't know." Le Creuset turned to face me and I again felt like I was being cross-examined by that mask of his. I almost wanted to back away. "It's our effort to end the war in single blow. A lot of our forces are being committed to this operation. The plans I have indicate that the offensive will be conducted against the Earth Alliance in Panama."

"Panama? Why Panama?" I ask.

"The Earth Alliance only has one Mass Driver remaining, and that is in Panama," Le Creuset replied. "As you know, Mass Drivers are the only way we can transport large amounts of troops and cargo into outer space. If we conquer Panama, we cut off the Earth Alliance forces in space from any significant resupply on the ground."

"So effectively the war would be over," I replied. "Without any way to resupply the Earth Alliance's space forces are sitting ducks. Then ZAFT controls all of space and can besiege both the Earth Alliance's Moon bases and any city or country they wish at will. The only way out for the Earth Alliance would be to surrender."

"That's the general idea," Le Creuset agreed. "You catch on fast, 1st Lieutenant."

He smiled then. I was fairly certain he intended for it to be friendly but that mask gave it an enigmatic touch that made it seem mysterious, almost sinister. Why the hell did he wear that mask? And why did ZAFT allow him to wear it?

"I . . . participated in a lot of military operations," I said. "Lots of intricate planning when I was onboard the_Archangel_. I learned a lot."

"Clearly," Le Creuset said. He folded his arms in front of his face then. "Any issues we need to be worried about with you before you join Zala Team and leave the planet?"

"I, uh . . ." I couldn't really think of anything, but I knew there was something that was an active annoyance.

"Still get spacesick, Cagalli?" Athrun asked.

That's what it was! Spacesickness! I had that all the time while up in space, it took me almost the entire trip to finally get used to space enough to not need the anti-spacesickness pills. I highly doubted that ZAFT would be so patient with me this time.

"Yes," I said. Le Creuset just continued to _stare_ at me, though, almost expression-less, which was creeping me out more than ever.

"Spacesickness, huh?" Le Creuset said. "We can't have that. Not at all."

"Huh?" I intelligently replied.

Le Creuset got up and began sifting through his desk. "I was worried about something like this. Coordinators aren't allowed to have spacesickness these days. Most of us _live_ in space. It limits our effectiveness if we're spacesick."

"Well . . . I took anti-spacesickness pills while onboard the _Archangel_," I said. "It was a good enough fix. That's all I need, sir."

"We need something more _permanent_ than that," Le Creuset said, and his voice, combined with that mask, served to scare the hell out of me in that instant.

"W-What do you mean?" I asked.

"A-ha." Suddenly Le Creuset had a syringe full of clear fluid from one of the drawers in his desk. Seeing immediately made me back away, behind Athrun, almost at the door. I was having no part in being injected with _anything_. I had already learned I was a glorified science experiment by my own father, and my boyfriend had been killed not only by Athrun but was forced into things by a manipulative organization. Not to mention said manipulative organization had plans to brainwash me and that likely involved injections too! No one was injecting _anything_ into me. Ever.

"This should correct the genetic anomaly that gives you spacesickness," Le Creuset said nonchalantly, as if he wasn't noticing that I was completely terrified. "You didn't know that the PLANTs broke the code on that, did you?"

"_I'll_ give her the injection, sir," Athrun said. "You're clearly making her nervous."

"Am I?" Le Creuset turned towards us then and that mask further made him seem eerie.

"She's, well . . . she's been through a lot the last few days, sir. A lot of people were trying to kill her before I took her out of Orb," Athrun said. "She is . . . _justifiably_ paranoid. It's best that someone she trusts provides the injection."

"I see. That is understandable, then." Le Creuset reached across the desk and Athrun took the syringe out of Le Creuset's hand. "There is a nurse's office down the hall. Give her the injection there. As a commanding officer you _do_ know basic medical procedures, correct?"

"Yes, I do, Commander," Athrun said.

"Excellent. Please give that to her before you both leave."

"I will, sir."

I didn't like Athrun pointing out that I was being a bit of a paranoid lunatic in that room but at the same time I was legitimately frightened. The way Le Creuset was acting . . . he was almost _expecting_ me to admit I got spacesick. It was like with Hilda Harken. He was _acting_ like he didn't know anything but had carefully manipulated the conversation so I'd admit I got spacesick.

Did this man know about me? Could that be the reason why he was so eager to get me onboard ZAFT that he provided the assistance Athrun needed to get me into the elite pilot corps _and_ get me attached to Athrun's unit? Or did he have something else beyond that in mind for me?

Whatever the case, I was glad when we left Le Creuset's office. The man was scary. And when I looked back into the room, and saw him . . .

The same mask that obscured his eyes and that little enigmatic smile was still there.

Yeah, I was glad I wasn't going to see him again for a _long_ time.

Though I preferred _never_.

* * *

"You _sure_ you want me to do this and not a nurse?" Athrun said as we sat down in the empty room. "I can get a nurse right now. There's plenty of them."

"Just do it, Athrun. But check and make sure it is what it says it is."

Athrun blinked. "Cagalli, I highly doubt Commander Le Creuset would-"

"Just _humor_ me, Athrun," I said.

"Uh, okay." Athrun looked at the syringe and sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm going to have to bring a nurse in here. I've got no idea how to check this out to make sure it is what it says it is."

"Oh, fine." I growled.

Athrun called a nurse then and she came and took the syringe away, hopefully not adding any _additional_modifications to the formula, whatever it was. We sat in silence for a little bit, before Athrun spoke again.

"You _are_ okay, right?" Athrun asked. "You're acting _extremely_ paranoid, Cagalli. I understand why, but no one in ZAFT is out to get you. I promise."

Athrun didn't know what I knew, that I had been modified even more than a Coordinator usually was. And he clearly didn't know what Hilda Harken had told me, that the PLANT's top officials had some inkling of what I really was and they were really desperate to either get their hands on me or have me eliminated.

"Look," I said. "After everything that's happened, I'm scared, okay? What if that concoction in the syringe has been modified to do _more_ than just get rid of spacesickness, huh? What if it has little passengers inside it? What if it introduces cancer or some other time bomb that makes sure I'm dead before-"

"Cagalli." Athrun's eyes were wide in shock. "We'd never do anything like that to you. I swear."

"_You_ wouldn't," I said. "But you can't say anything about the top officials in PLANT and ZAFT, can you?"

"Cagalli, please stop talking like this," Athrun said, his voice becoming edgy. "You are one of _us_ now. We wouldn't do anything to modify you or kill you or anything like that."

He took a deep breath and exhaled. "You're scaring me, Cagalli. You weren't like this. Not before . . ."

"Before what, Athrun?"

"The Cagalli I remember wasn't afraid of _anything_," Athrun finally said.

So he was thinking back to when we were kids, best friends, huh? "The Cagalli back then didn't spent a couple of months in war with everyone trying to kill her, and didn't have Blue Cosmos gunning for her head," I said.

"I've spent the entire last year involved in this war in some way," Athrun replied, his eyes looking right into mine. "And also, it is _Blue Cosmos_ that is out to kill you. Not us."

That look in his eyes, where he looked both concerned and scared _for_ me, finally made me stop. There was something about the way Athrun's eyes would reveal this burst of honest emotion he was otherwise suppressing. And it kept making me realize that he did genuinely care about me and that would make my paranoia, my fear, go away. If only for a little while.

"I'm sorry," I finally said. "I just . . . it's just hard to . . ."

"Cagalli." Athrun reached out and held my hands. "You're going to be all right. I promised Tolle I would keep you safe. I promise _you_ that you're going to be okay. I mean it."

I didn't like being reminded that he had killed my boyfriend _again_, but I knew he was trying to comfort me. He did genuinely care. He was my best friend for many years, after all. I spent those years looking out for Athrun. And now he was looking out for me in return, at least, I was sure that's how he was thinking about it.

"Thank you, Athrun," I said, but that's when he finally hugged me.

"A-Athrun?" I asked, as my heart began slamming against my chest, both from surprise and from the feelings that emerged the moment he hugged me.

Before I knew it, my arms were around Athrun as well, my hands on his back, my head on his shoulder.

"This . . . this is something I've wanted for the longest time," Athrun said. "We were best friends, Cagalli. You were always looking out for me in the Academy . . . always starting fights because of me and everything . . ."

He was leading up to a confession. I could tell. He was going to meander around for a while and he was finally going to confess to me, or, more likely, I would get sick of him dodging the question and force him to confess. That's how this kind of stuff worked.

But being reminded of what we had, being reminded of him kissing me in the park years ago, when we were both thirteen . . . it also reminded me, for some reason, of a girl I had met on the _Archangel_. A girl who I punched in the face.

Lacus Clyne.

Damn it.

It was actually surprising for me to realize how frustrated I was in remembering Athrun and Lacus Clyne were supposed to be married soon.

"Athrun," I finally said. "You are engaged to someone, aren't you?"

Athrun's body immediately tensed up. "Y-Yes. To Lacus Clyne."

"Don't say anything more about how you feel about me," I said. "Please. I'm not going to have you become someone who cheats on a girl."

"I-I'm sorry," Athrun said. "I was . . . I was getting ahead of myself, and . . ."

He wanted to let go of me. I still wanted to hold him. I felt . . . kind of serene, actually, in that instance, knowing that Athrun's feelings for me were . . . were . .

I really had somehow won him over in our days in the academy on the moon. All of those years basically being his protector from bullies and his motivational coach must have made an impression on him, so much of an impression that when puberty and all of the _interesting_ things that come with that hit him . . .

No, it wasn't just that. It was making the impression on him and then vanishing from his life for so many years. All that did was make his feelings for me stronger. I had moved on, I found another boyfriend, but he . . . even though he was engaged to Lacus Clyne, it was an _arranged_ marriage. Arranged marriages could result in love _eventually_, but still . . .

I had let go of him, but he had never let go of me. That meant that all of the insults I heaved his way, all of the anger and yelling and everyone else I had lobbed his way while fighting in the Strike . . . it must have affected him deeply on a personal level. And yet, now that I was here, he clearly still . . . still had . . .

I couldn't bring myself to think of the 'L' word.

"Athrun," I finally said. "We can still be best friends, okay? I'll be your best friend again. I'll be at your side."

"Cagalli?" Athrun asked, his body relaxing again.

There was no feelings of embarrassment or anything. I felt warm, happy, with him here. "f you want me to become more than your best friend you need to end the engagement with Lacus Clyne first. I won't let us become more than that unless you do so. And remember that Lacus is a good person, too. I met her once. She genuinely does care about you, Athrun. Don't just throw her away."

"O-Okay," Athrun said. "I won't."

"Thank you," I said.

That's when the nurse barged into the room. "The contents are exactly as they're supposed to be. . ."

We all stared at each other for a few seconds.

Immediately Athrun and I scrambled away from each other, Athrun's face a deep red and I'm sure my face was the same considering how hot it suddenly felt. The nurse was blushing too. "Oh my . . . was I interrupting something?"

"N-No, nothing," Athrun said. "Please give the 1st Lieutenant the shot, please."

"Um, sure." the nurse said, finally entering the room and closing the door behind her.

Athrun and I didn't say another word as she dabbed my arm with alcohol and a pad to prepare for the shot. I was so embarrassed it didn't even register that I was about to be injected with something I barely understood.

The nurse just shook her head at last. "Next time . . . just get a room, okay? Preferably not here? You're both supposed to be professional soldiers, after all."

Athrun's face turned so red I thought his head was going to explode or melt or both.

I'm sure I didn't look any better.

* * *

After launching in the shuttle and dealing with weightlessness, I realized that the cure they had injected me with was already working its magic. I didn't feel the least bit sick at all. Not even a sign of nausea or headaches. Being weightless felt completely natural and almost comfortable. Almost.

I was left alone with my thoughts, mostly. As I laid in one of the cots designed specifically for weightless situations, I took the time alone to think about everything that had happened, especially regarding Tolle's final words to me before Athrun shot him. It was finally registering to me, now that I had peace and quiet. About Dorothy Eliarez, about what both he and Miriallia had done.

No wonder Miriallia was the primary suspect. She had been involved. She just wasn't the murderer. She was the lookout while Tolle did it. And that meant she knew. She knew Dorothy Eliarez was a Blue Cosmos agent.

Both she and Tolle knew everything and I was left in the dark. No wonder they both started becoming distant, even _strange_, in regards to me. They had a shared secret I wasn't privy to.

It also explained the occasional anti-Coordinator talk from Elle. Lines like 'you're the only nice Coordinator' now had a whole lot more meaning than they did at the time. I never picked up on lines like that, I blamed Elle's talk on Flay, when I should have realized that it ran deeper than that. Elle was innocent, she didn't know any better, but she had been exposed to anti-Coordinator rhetoric, and she was blithely repeating it because she had no clue what it meant.

I wondered what Elle thought of me now. Did she think I was scum because I had left for ZAFT? That I left without saying goodbye?

Probably. My parents would have to be careful with her. Not just Elle, Stellar too. I had saddled my parents with both of them and they both potentially could become problematic.

And what was I doing instead? Fighting for a cause I didn't believe in and risking alienating my best friend every time I snapped at him.

Not to mention said best friend was also my commanding officer. I had to obey his orders.

I couldn't just snap at people the way I did on the _Archangel_. I snapped at _everybody_ on that ship more than once. Insulted them, yelled at them, and said some extremely stupid things and got a lot of lectures over all of that. I probably drove my commanding officers nsane on the _Archangel_.

Everything had changed for me. And I wasn't sure what I was going to do.

That's when the door slid open and someone else floated into the room. I opened my eyes and saw her, and she promptly looked at me.

"God damn," Asta Joule growled. "You _have_ to be sleeping here?"

"It's the women's sleeping area," I said. "So I'm gonna sleep. I'm not going to bother you, I'm already zipped up tight and everything."

"Your mere _presence_ bothers me."

"I know." I just bit back the follow-up to that statement which would have only served to provoke a fight. "That's why I'm not going to say anything to you. Just pretend I'm not here."

"I can't do that," Asta replied, rather predictably.

"Look, I just want to get some sleep," I replied. I was getting nervous here. Was Asta trying to provoke a fight herself? Did she want to prove that she and I could not co-exist on the same unit? Either she wanted me transferred out or she was going to get herself transferred out. One way or another, she was going to get it done.

"So do I." Finally, though, Asta sighed. "I guess I have no choice."

She floated to a cot on the opposite side of the room and undressed. She looked extremely strong, with clear, visible muscles on her arms, legs, and her stomach, not like a girl who was born with a weak body at all.

"Athrun and the others told me you were born with a weak body," I finally said. "You don't look weak. You look the opposite."

"I thought you weren't going to talk to me," Asta growled as she twisted her way into her cot.

"I was paying you a compliment, that's all," I said.

"Hmmph." Asta zipped herself up. "Your compliment is noted."

She was still being prickly with me. I guess that her response was the best I could hope from her.

I tried to close my eyes and sleep, but somewhere between falling asleep I saw a small light pierce through my eyelids and my eyes shot open. I slowly looked at Asta, and she seemed to be looking at some kind of keychain. The light was _just_ bright enough for me to see that the keychain had a face on it. The keychain was too far away for me to see clear details but considering I could make out silver and red, she had to be looking at the picture of her little brother.

She kissed the face on the keychain softly and pocketed it. The light went out in the next moment.

That just made me feel more guilty than ever, seeing that. They had been close. That much was certain.

Suddenly Asta spoke. "You saw that, didn't you?"

I knew better than to pretend I was asleep. "Yes, I did."

"I loved him, Cagalli. I loved him so much and you took him away from me."

Damn it. Did we really need this conversation _now_, in the middle of the night? "He gave me no choice. He was going to ram the _Archangel_, Asta. He was going to die either way and I took the route that involved him not killing everyone on that ship. It came at what I thought would be the cost of my own life, but Athrun saved me while I was plunging into the atmosphere."

"They were _Naturals_. They were using you up and spitting you out. What made them more important than anything else?"

"Everyone on that ship was just trying to _survive_, Asta. Including me. There were a lot of Orb civilians on that ship, most of them at some point volunteered to help out in various areas of the ship that were short-staffed. I helped out in the best way I could, which was flying the Strike."

"You're not answering my question. Why the Naturals?"

I was getting really angry at her obstinance and I could barely keep my voice even. "Because the Naturals are people too, you know? They have lives and children and jobs and everything else, just like Coordinators!"

"What makes them better people than us, then?"

"Naturals are no better or worse than we are! We're all human beings here! There's good Naturals and there's bad Naturals, just like there is with Coordinators! Whether they were genetically modified or not has nothing to do with how they are as _people_, Asta!"

Asta chuckled then. "You sound like Siegel Clyne. My mother was talking to me about Siegel the other day, about how he was saying Coordinators didn't evolve from Naturals. What are we if not an evolution, Cagalli?"

The sad thing is that I was in agreement with Siegel Clyne, even though it was filtered through Asta's obvious bias. "He's right, though. We didn't evolve. The Coordinator was originally created by Naturals. We're enhanced, not evolved. We're not even a _true_ different species. Coordinators and Naturals can have children together, it's been documented. If we were a different species that would not be possible."

"You and your technicalities, just like Siegel Clyne. No wonder he's going to be losing his Chairmanship. Perhaps he's already lost it by this point."

I wondered if she was implying that I could be shunted out of this unit just like Siegel Clyne was being removed from his post. If so, that was an implied threat.

"The 'technicalities' reveal a blunt truth, Asta. Something that a lot of people on both sides are choosing to ignore. If you're going to ignore it too be my guest. But I'm just saying the technicalities are there for a reason."

"Hmmph." Asta twisted in her cot then, clearly trying to get comfortable. "Just keep telling yourself that."

"Asta, I know nothing I say will ever make you forgive me for what I did to your brother," I said, deciding to change the subject. This was the core of our differences and I was going to settle it once and for all. "But you don't need to keep provoking me. I know you loved your brother. And I'm sorry I had to kill him. But like I said multiple times, I was given no choice. He was going to die no matter what I did, Asta. And that was Yzak's own choice."

"He was my _everything_," Asta said. I could hear her voice shaking with emotion. She had been steely the whole conversation but the change in subject was already affecting her. "My reason to live. I promised him I would . . . I would live to see him become a man."

It was just like what other people had told me, and it was becoming clear as day that Asta had devoted herself to Yzak. "So you've been willing yourself to live, all this time."

"That's one way to look at it." Asta paused, clearly because she was wondering whether I should know her personal thoughts. "They say I have a weak body, but that's not entirely true. It's more like I have weak _organs_. My mother was only fifteen when I was born, Cagalli. When people realized she wasn't sterile she needed to have a child _immediately_. But when I was born, they told her I was lucky to be alive at all and that I would not live to see the age of ten. But my mother was not dissuaded. She was determined to show that she could contribute to the betterment of our society and gave birth to Yzak, who turned out _perfect_."

She finally made eye contact with me. "There's two organs that are as strong as they should be. My heart and my lungs. Every other organ is weak, _especially_ my liver. It is hard for me to digest food. I've been on a strict organic diet my whole life, I can't have anything that is processed or artificial or even has the tiniest preservative because it could tax my liver too much and kill me."

So, ironically, the genetically-modified Coordinator could only have 'natural' food. It took everything I had to not point this out to Asta.

"I was seven when the symptoms began appearing," Asta said. "And my brother . . . he was not stupid. When he saw me coughing up blood he freaked out and cried. I still remember the day he found out. I held him in my arms and tried with everything I had to not cough all over him as he cried. And I did it. I managed to stop the coughing in that moment with just my will."

"So you promised him you would live," I said. "You promised him you would see him become a man. "

"I did." Asta was clearly crying by that point, I could not see her face clearly but her breaking voice told the whole story. "I promised him I would live. So I did everything I could to make my body as strong and healthy as possible. My heart being normal allowed me to exert myself so I could make myself strong. And the years kept going by. Yzak turned seven, nine, twelve, fifteen years old, and I was still here. I had managed to keep my promise. And then came Junius Seven and the war."

Asta was sobbing then, she sobbed for several seconds before she regained control of herself. "I-I joined the military to show solidarity with Y-Yzak, who was already . . . already in the Academy. I had good piloting scores, I passed well enough to earn a red suit but they confined me to a desk anyway. He graduated and . . . and . . ."

Suddenly her voice raised and nearly startled me out of my cot. "And then _you took him from me_!"

I half-expected her to tear herself out of her cot and try to strangle me, but she stayed. She did not move. She just cried.

"I'm sorry," I finally said, because I had to say _something_, even though it would not help.

"There's n-nothing left," Asta sobbed. "There's _nothing_. You completely _obliterated_ him. I don't even have _ash_."

Hearing her cry just made me feel like scum. Here was the result of what I did in the war. There were a lot of other people just like her, crying over loved ones, because of what I did. Except I had the misfortune to meet one of the people who had loved someone I had killed.

"So you . . . you asked them to give you a machine," I said. "So you could avenge him."

"They needed pilots and my scores were . . . were g-good. So . . . so they were building a new GUNDAM using the Morgenroete designs as . . . as a _template_, but I asked to pilot it and have it modeled after my brother's machine. So . . . so that's what they did. Rau Le Creuset and my mother pulled the strings I needed to get the machine and have it built the way I wanted it. And then I set out to _kill_ you."

"And now you can't," I said. "Because I'm on your side now."

"Don't remind me," Asta said bitterly.

Asta's tone of voice was the verbal equivalent of a nerve being rubbed raw. She was in a lot of pain and she was furious and she was lashing out at the outside world. I didn't think it was just over Yzak, though. I think being born with weak organs also had something to do with this anger. I think she wished she could trade places with Yzak, but I didn't dare to ask whether that was true.

Being reminded of her pain, though, also reminded me of Tassil. She had that town destroyed. Blown out of existence. And for what reason? To get to me?

"You _did_ blow Tassil up," I said. "You ever given a thought to how the family members of those who died in Tassil feel too?"

"They're Naturals. I don't care."

"You should. They're people too."

"I _said_ I don't care. Honestly, they deserve all of the pain they get. They created us and now seek to destroy us because they're afraid of us. If they live in agony and fear and suffer the most painful deaths imaginable, it's deserved, whether it's a five-year-old child or a eighty-year-old grandparent and everyone in-between. They're all guilty. All of them."

Her words were cruel and heartless and I honestly didn't want to talk to her again after hearing that. After all, Tolle suffering a painful, agonized death was still on my mind. I was sure Asta would be glad to hear that Tolle, my boyfriend, had died in such a way.

She was blinded by her hatred and she didn't much care that it did. People like her rarely do. And she was probably going to get worse with her anti-Natural talk because there was no outlet for her anger anymore. I was no longer her target. So it was all of the Naturals instead.

It was never going to end. This hopeless cycle of violence, hatred, and revenge.

"Why aren't you responding?" Asta asked. "Why? Do you really care for the Naturals, our enemies, so much?"

"Don't you at least care for the Oceanic Union and Africa?" I asked. I didn't want to talk to her anymore but I at least wanted to see if there was any compromise in her at all. "They are Naturals but they have sided with ZAFT."

"Not really, no," Asta said. "They're opportunists who threw their lot in with the force that has the superior military equipment. They're not buying into the PLANTs' ideals one bit. They're cowards who are siding with the people they think will win. Neither country has sent a single soldier to support us. They just let us dock in their ports and land in their airfields."

Guess that answered _that_ question right then and there.

"I'm not going to debate this with you any further," I said. "I'm just going to close my eyes and go to sleep. I'm going to need it in the morning."

"People like you are becoming a dying breed, Cagalli Yamato," Asta said. "There's not going to be any room for the Naturals at the rate things are going . . . or for those who would tolerate their existences. You should accept-"

"I'll accept _nothing_." That did it. I had finally snapped. All I could think about were the people I loved, and the people on the _Archangel_, and Kira, my brother. All of whom were Naturals, and all of whom Asta was wishing death upon.

"I was raised by Natural parents," I said. "I have a brother, he's a Natural too. My friends are Naturals. I'd sooner be dead than have them be exterminated. Now shut up and let me sleep."

"You may get your wish soon enough," Asta growled. But she didn't say anything more.

I truly did feel alone in the room. There was truly no one who cared about me here, and Asta just reinforced that. I was just a soldier to them, a potentially disobedient one who disagreed with the fanatics. Oh, and if they had any clue who I really was, and Hilda Harken back in the Sahara Desert pretty much said they did . . .

I was in for a world of hurt. Especially if that Rau Le Creuset was involved. He, more than anyone else, seemed to be hiding behind a masquerade he presented to other people.

All I had was Athrun. I had given everything else up for Athrun.

Other than him I was alone.

And it was looking like I was going to stay that way.

* * *

Yeah . . . Cagalli's sure making friends, isn't she?

Next chapter's already finished. It will be up next week around this time.


	54. You Are A Tourist

Glad to see there's still interest in this story even though Cagalli's left the old supporting cast behind and now is surrounded by a new supporting cast. Yeah, Asta is like a parallel of Flay, that was somewhat intentional on my part but it also fits in with Ezalia Joule's own radical beliefs and Yzak's attitude for much of SEED, and I took advantage of Ezalia and Yzak's attitudes to craft Asta's own feelings about Naturals and dial it up one more notch because of how Asta feels over Yzak's death. I also hope the explanations for Asta's existence when she did not exist in SEED are proving satisfactory for right now.

As for Kira/Flay . . . it's pretty much one-sided like it is in the canon, except Flay is chasing after Kira. XD Right now, Flay's just looking for something to fight for, something or someone to believe in, because she's realizing her previous attitudes are wrong. She's looking for something better. It's positive character development on her end of things.

Anyway, on with the chapter!

* * *

**Chapter Fifty-Four: You Are A Tourist**

I hadn't been in a PLANT since I was a young child, and that was only for a brief visit while my mother and father were debating what academies to send their Coordinator daughter to. They opted for an academy on the Moon in the end, because it would be easier for the three of us to see each other than to try to get through PLANT security. Even back then, in relatively peaceful times, PLANT security was infamous for shaking down Naturals.

There was just something annoyingly _perfect_ about PLANT environments that was different, and somehow_worse_, than Heliopolis. PLANTs generally did a stupendous job of mimicking the Earth, and the weather was always as predicted, without the Earth's random violence like tornadoes and hurricanes and other lovely phenomena. It was just this sense of everything being scheduled, like this artificial little greenhouse disguised as an ethereal paradise, that drove me insane. I just wanted to break one of these PLANTs open like a tin can.

Nevertheless, I couldn't help but _gawk_ at everything. The _pristine_ nature of it all was simply amazing and I could barely take it all in.

"You weren't kidding when you said you never lived here," Dearka Elsman said, clearly amused. "You look like a Natural visiting us right now with your eyes so damn wide."

"Dearka, everyone who visits a PLANT always looks at everything like that," Nicol Amalfi replied. "It's nothing new."

"It's new if it's a _Coordinator_," Dearka said.

"Enough, Dearka," Athrun said. "We're not here to be tourists. We're almost at the building right now, and we're going to meet the Chairman . . . well, the _new_ Chairman."

"Yeah, your father," Asta said.

"Just because Athrun's father is the Chairman now doesn't stop him from being Chairman," Dearka replied.

"Just find it interesting, that's all," Asta said coolly.

Athrun looked like he wanted to forget the whole conversation. "Just follow me, please."

As I was semi-expecting to hear when we landed at the PLANTs, Patrick Zala, Athrun's father, did indeed take the Chairmanship away from Siegel Clyne. Although Siegel Clyne remained on the Supreme Council, he and his coalition had significantly less influence, or so the media was saying, and Patrick Zala's strength had come from a promise to end the war quickly.

If Patrick Zala wanted to end the war as soon as possible, he needed to get results and get them _now_. That meant he needed victories. Maybe just _one_ victory, a big one, would be enough to ensure the Earth Alliance's defeat.

Operation "Spitbreak" was probably the victory Patrick Zala was looking for to end the war. Our role in that is probably why we were assigned here. We're going to plow the road to make sure Spitbreak doesn't have much interference from Earth Alliance forces in space before the operation begins in full.

The PLANT governmental house was multi-faceted, but it was a purely functional facility. No one permanently lived here, not even the Chairman. Siegel Clyne, for example, lived in his own estate and commuted to this building when he was Chairman. It was considered a way to appear less isolated from the populace and to show solidarity if you didn't live in a governmental building and instead had to travel there like everyone else.

Still, it was beautiful. So many stories and surrounded by a gorgeous garden filled with the once-thought-impossible blue roses. The blue rose was a symbol of what Coordinators were capable of and it, along with other beautiful flowers similarly brought into existence, filled the garden. All were creations of Coordinators.

"Never saw blue roses up close before, have you?" Nicol asked.

"No, I haven't," I admitted. "They're beautiful."

"They are," Nicol said. "Not much of a scent with these modern roses though. That is one thing we have not been able to manage. We've managed to create the appearance of the blue rose but can't come up with an appropriate scent that will last in the species. Every scent we've tried just gradually fades away with each passing generation."

"That's . . . sad," I said. It made me think about the problems Coordinators had with live births with each generation. It was parallel to the blue rose in a lot of ways. The blue rose had an inherent flaw that prevented a strong scent, a rose's trademark, from remaining in the flower with each generation. Did that mean that Coordinators had an inherent flaw as well?

And what did that say about me, too? What were my flaws? If I was experimented on, what was going to happen to me when I got older?

I was starting to get scared again.

"Enough about these dumb flowers," Asta growled. "Can we just get inside and get our assignment? We may be getting a personal assignment from Chairman Zala himself, after all."

"Yeah," Athrun sighed. "Come on. The Chairman doesn't want to be kept waiting."

"You mean your dad," Dearka said with a knowing smile.

"He's _both_," Asta sighed. She coughed then, holding her chest and her hand.

"You all right?" Athrun asked.

"I'm fine. Probably best to not cough in front of your father," Asta said after clearing her throat. She reached into her pocket and downed a couple of pills dry.

"There, that'll help," Asta said.

"Good," Athrun sighed. "Follow me inside. Let's get this over with."

"What, the meeting or your obvious embarrassment?" Dearka asked, that stupid grin of his showing teeth.

Athrun just groaned wordlessly.

* * *

"Damn, looks like they're moving some things out," Dearka said as we walked past various machines and people holding various possessions ranging from desks to paintings past us.

"Siegel Clyne is no longer the Chairman," Nicol said. "If he had personal possessions inside the Chairman's office, they probably need to be removed unless he wants Chairman Zala to keep them."

"Sounds like he wants the Chairman to keep _nothing_," Dearka said.

"That's kinda weird, actually," Nicol said. "Aren't your father and Siegel Clyne friends?"

"Yes," Athrun said. "There's nothing to insinuate here. Most things leave when a Chairman leaves the office. It's _normal_."

There was something just a little defensive about Athrun's tone of voice that suggested that Siegel Clyne and Patrick Zala were not as friendly with each other as they once were. Not that I would know.

It was when we were coming up on the office when we heard the conversation.

"Patrick, I _implore_ you to take a look at the Earth Alliance's peace offering," a middle-aged male voice said. "I know you shot this down in the Supreme Council meeting, but you no longer need to grandstand. We're in private. We may not get a better offer than this."

"Siegel, as I told you, I _will_ look at the offering. I'll do whatever it takes to put an end to this war," said the voice that I recognized as Patrick Zala's. His voice had not changed much from when I was a child and Athrun's friend. "But the Earth Alliance has not been put in a position of absolute weakness. We need to have a clear advantage over them before any peace offering can be considered."

"That's not a peace offering, that's _surrender_," Siegel Clyne said.

"Which is the _ideal_ peace offering from the enemy side, Siegel," Patrick Zala replied. "While you were Chairman our military was planning Operation 'Spitbreak'. We must allow this operation to be attempted before we can consider any peace offerings. Bomb them to the negotiating table, so to speak."

"I see," Siegel Clyne replied. "What if 'Spitbreak' were to fail, Chairman?"

"It won't, I'll see to _that_," Patrick Zala replied. "I have my own ideas about 'Spitbreak' that I will be relaying shortly."

"I understand," Siegel Clyne replied with a sigh.

"Siegel, I know you have the best intentions in mind, but we need to fight with more force against the Naturals," Patrick Zala said. "We need to show them there is no longer any point in continuing resistance against us. I think one look at our new Mobile Suits will have them thinking twice about continuing to resist. They think their casualties are bad _now_? Imagine when our new Mobile Suits are arrayed against them."

"New Mobile Suits?" Dearka asked dumbly.

"Out of everything in that conversation, _that's_ what you're picking up on first?" Asta sighed. I was actually inclined to agree with her on that one.

"The Freedom and the Providence were both delayed in order to accommodate Ezalia and Asta Joule's wishes to have the Duel rebuilt in Yzak Joule's honor," Siegel Clyne replied. "You signed off on that as a member of the Council when Ezalia put the issue on the table. You know as well as I do the only new Mobile Suit ready to launch is the Justice."

"Siegel, you are flunking War 101," Patrick Zala said, his voice finally turning edgy. "The Freedom will be ready post-'Spitbreak' and the Providence soon thereafter, not to mention . . ."

Suddenly, Patrick sighed. "I am speaking too much. I have a meeting with Zala Team that was supposed to have begun five minutes ago and I am sure they are eavesdropping right behind that door. They are special forces but not _that_ special. We will need to continue this some other time."

We weren't going to find out what the 'not to mention' part meant that day. Which was annoying. I was growing sick and tired of secrets.

Though, judging by the looks on everyone else's faces, they were more embarrassed and worried about what Chairman Zala was going to do to them over the eavesdropping.

"I understand, Chairman," Siegel said, and we immediately heard his footsteps approach the door.

We immediately backed away from the door as one and stood to attention. I saw the way they were saluting and barely mimicked their postures in time for Siegel Clyne to emerge and walk on by.

He was a kindly-looking man but clearly weathered by the war and his responsibility. He looked at us, and managed a smile. "Good luck in there."

"Thank you, former Chairman," Athrun replied.

Siegel Clyne said nothing more before turning and walking down the hallway. There was a depressed look to his movements, like a man lost in melancholic thoughts.

"Zala Team?" Patrick Zala's voice barked. "You may enter."

"Yes, Chairman," Athrun said. He led the way inside, and the four of us followed him. They all made that strange salute motion and just like before I barely adjusted my posture in time to match theirs.

I was not going to get used to this odd salute. I could already tell.

The office was barren, but it wasn't going to stay that way. Unless Patrick Zala was a really odd individual, anyway. He looked at the five of us, seeming to sizing us up.

"At ease," he said, which was a relief because I couldn't keep the odd salute up for much longer. He paused for a while, looking between the five us.

Finally, he said "Our best weapons in this war are in the hands of _children_. The oldest among you is _eighteen_. If we had any choice we would have given adults your weapons a long time ago. Unfortunately, our casualties and numbers are such we've had no choice but to conscript teenagers since the very beginning."

I wondered what his point was, or if he had anything good to say to us. He was already criticizing us before we even had a chance to know what he was summoning us here for.

"That being said," Zala finally said, "Zala Team _is_ one of the most elite units on our military and with the addition of your fifth member you are finally complete at long last."

Suddenly, he eyed _me_. "Step forward, 1st Lieutenant Yamato."

My heart almost skipped a beat and my back tensed up. "Uh, y-yes, Chairman!"

I took a step towards the Chairman, who was sitting behind his sparse metallic desk. Zala folded his hands and gave me a long stare.

"Is something wrong, Chairman?" I asked, doing my very best to keep my voice even and formal but not entirely succeeding.

"I don't know whether to be proud of you or to completely _despise_ you," Zala said, his voice a low growl. "You killed one of our finest officers in our entire military out in the Sahara. You put Commander Le Creuset's forces on a wild goose chase throughout space _and_ the Earth and heads would have rolled if the Earth Alliance's Ninth Fleet had not gotten destroyed in the process. You are personally responsible for the deaths of many of our pilots and you did it to protect Naturals which I still have trouble fathoming."

I didn't know whether to brace myself or to wait for him to reveal some kind of silver lining. Well, a silver lining from _his_ perspective.

"At the same time . . . in order to pull all of this off, you have a _lot_ of skill," Zala finally said. "Especially to kill General Waltfeld. I questioned my son's desire to recruit you instead of destroying you, but, much to my surprise, my son has succeeded. After all, you are standing here in this office right now."

"Yes . . . he did succeed," I said, not knowing what else to say without costing myself any of the goodwill he had just shown me now.

"Indeed. I look forward to seeing what you are capable of, 1st Lieutenant Yamato," Zala said, this time with the clear intent to end our little discussion.

"You won't be disappointed," was all I could think of to say.

Zala turned his attention to everyone else then. "Now we can finally get down to business. I know you can't be seated, so please remain standing. I will make this brief."

He got up from the desk and activated a hologram map of the world as well as its close orbit. It was heavily detailed, even including the Debris Belt that surrounded the planet.

"As you five no doubt heard, the planning for Operation Spitbreak is at full throttle," Zala said. "I recalled Zala Team up here because I have a specific role in mind for this team in the waning days, and the day of, the operation."

He used his hands to enlarge a section of the map, specifically a section of the Debris Belt. "We have had Earth Alliance activity in the Debris Belt, fairly close to the L1 Colonies. They are raiding our forces that are trying to assemble in the staging area for Spitbreak. Your team is going to _eliminate_ them so there will be no further interference. I have instructed the _Vesalius_ to be the flagship of the strike force, and Zala Team will be the team posted to the _Vesalius_."

"A question, Chairman," Asta said, raising her hand.

"Acknowledged," Zala replied.

"Why would _we_ be necessary to eliminate the Earth Alliance's raiding force?" Asta asked. "The staging area is swelling with ZAFT ships, the map _shows_ that. Can't the staging area simply break off some of its fleet to eliminate the raiders?"

"There would be a lot more casualties this way than to have the _Vesalius_ and Zala Team eliminate it," Zala replied. "After all, Zala Team is going to be assigned our newest Mobile Suit, the Justice. Apparently the Justice is capable of incredible feats. I want a demonstration of them."

"Isn't the Justice an ace in the hole?" Athrun asked. Clearly he had no problems questioning his own father. "Wouldn't it be better to save it for 'Spitbreak'?"

"Those raiders have been achieving multiple local victories," Zala replied. "I want them smashed in such a way as to demoralize the entire Earth Alliance . . . and make them _fear_ us as well. After all, how can a small strike force eliminate a whole fleet? There has to be something secret, isn't there? Something the Earth Alliance has no hope of stopping."

"You're thinking that because it's difficult to communicate in the Debris Belt that they won't be able to report a new Mobile Suit," Athrun said all of a sudden. "They will just suddenly cease to exist. And even if they do report a new Mobile Suit, there won't be any time to put in countermeasures before Spitbreak begins. It'll just be another blow to morale."

"Exactly," Patrick Zala said.

"Who's gonna pilot the new Mobile Suit?" Dearka asked.

"Considering who has given us a really strong assessment of her abilities so far . . . 1st Lieutenant Yamato will be piloting the Justice," Zala said, confirming the suspicions that were in the back of my mind the whole time. "However, Athrun Zala will remain in command. You five are going to be the lead spear of Spitbreak . . . and 1st Lieutenant Yamato will be the very tip."

"I must protest," Asta said, which was _also_ not surprising. "She was fighting us not _three_ weeks ago. Why give her the newest, strongest machine in our forces? She has given us no reason to trust her."

"I have misgivings myself about this decision, but if I cannot trust your team leader, I can't trust anyone," Zala said, looking right at Athrun. The implications were quite clear. If Patrick Zala can't trust the judgment of his only family, his sole child, there is no one left to trust. "He has written some glowing reports about her abilities, and what 1st Lieutenant Yamato has pulled off while in servitude to the Naturals is quite impressive. Including, not to trudge up bad memories, 1st Lieutenant Joule, defeating your brother who was an elite pilot himself."

Asta literally _shook_ upon hearing that but she stopped herself from lashing out. Instead she managed a "I understand, Chairman."

"Good. Now you are all dismissed. You will depart tomorrow onboard the _Vesalius_," Zala said. "Except for _you_, 1st Lieutenant Yamato. I'm going to introduce you to your new machine."

"Uh, yes, Chairman," I said. I knew immediately what this meant. Zala was going to try to size me up, to see if I really am suitable for the Justice. Not to mention _trustworthy_.

I was in for a grilling and if I did not pass Zala's likely test I was going to lose the Justice . . . and possibly get booted off of Athrun's team altogether. I was pretty sure of that.

Asta's warning from yesterday night was stark. What if there was no room left for people like me, who believed in tolerance? What if I was already going to get shunted out, before my service even began, because of what I believed?

What if I had come all this way for absolutely nothing?

I was scared as the others, including Athrun, were dismissed. Exceptionally scared. I tried not to let it show but I was not sure if I was successful. This guy was more terrifying than even Natarle Badgiruel at her worst. And he held a _lot_ more authority.

"Well then," Patrick Zala said. "Let's show you your new machine."

"Yes, Chairman," I replied.

At that point, I just wanted to get it over with without screwing up.

Easier said than done.

* * *

I tried to say as little as possible to Patrick Zala on the way to the facility where the Justice was waiting. Patrick Zala, perhaps noticing that I was going to stay quiet and not say so much, didn't waste too much time trying to encourage me to small talk. After three failed attempts to get me to open up about my experiences so far in ZAFT, he got down to business.

"The _Vesalius_ was _not_ designed to carry the Justice," Zala said to me. "Because of that, the only Mobile Suit team the _Vesalius_ will be carrying is the Zala Team. There _is_ a ship specifically designed for carrying the Justice, but it is not complete yet. I intended to give it to General Waltfeld as a reward for his exemplary service in the Sahara, but as he is dead I must find another officer. I wonder what happened to that lover of his."

"Her name was Aisha," I said. "I believe she is still in Orb. I captured her personally. We treated her quite humanely, I promise you, Chairman."

"Of course they would, with you around to keep them honest," Zala scoffed.

"We had an honorable and humane captain in charge," I said. "Her name was Murrue Ramius. She became a close friend. She _did_ sincerely care about me."

"What happened?" Zala asked.

"She's _dead_," I said. "I was captured and taken to a secret base in the Indian Ocean. It was operated by Blue Cosmos and . . . Murrue decided to try and save me. She did . . . but it was at the cost of her own life."

Damn it. I didn't want to admit any of this to him. What right did he have to know? Even now, thinking of Murrue was still bringing me to the brink of tears.

"My son was part of ZAFT's investigation into that base. We had no idea what the facility was, all we knew was that there was a lot of random combat and explosions at first," Zala said. "When we investigated, all we found were ruins and bodies. Well, that and signs that Blue Cosmos made a rushed attempt to clear the base out of anything still valuable."

"Did you find Murrue Ramius' body?" I asked.

"I wouldn't know," Zala replied.

It seemed he was telling the truth but I wasn't happy with that response. All that meant was that I couldn't get any closure over what Murrue did, and sacrificed, for my sake.

"How can you . . . feel so much compassion for the Naturals?" Zala asked.

"I have lived in Orb my whole life," I said. "All of my friends were Naturals. There was . . . _some_ intolerance at first, but when everyone realized I was their best hope for survival, they stopped protesting. And eventually they all began supporting me because they realized I was a human being just like them."

I didn't want to say much more, in case I was coming off as a bleeding heart who may have to be removed from her post. "I sound like Siegel Clyne, don't I?"

"Your language is remarkably close to his," Zala said enigmatically.

Great. "I'm not going to lie to you. I did not enjoy killing Coordinators . . . or killing _anybody_ for that matter. But at the same time I can't ignore that we are human beings fighting human beings. This war is a tragedy, sir."

He remained silent, just staring at me.

"I will kill Naturals in service of ZAFT and PLANT," I said. "I would not have allowed your son to extradite me if I was not willing to serve. I am here because Athrun is my best friend. He needs me and this is what friends do."

"I see," Zala said. The car suddenly stopped.

"I guess we must be here," I said.

"We are. Follow me," Zala said.

He exited the car, followed by his bodyguards, and I walked beside him into what seemed to be a ZAFT airbase. The place seemed to be a maze but Patrick Zala knew exactly where he was going. I wondered how many times he had visited this place in order to make a beeline right for the Justice.

Finally, some doors slid open and we walked onto a metal hallway extended high from the ground . . . right in front of what had to be the chest plate of the Justice.

It looked just like the GUNDAM machines. I could not keep my surprise out of my voice. "Is that . . . is that a GUNDAM?"

"'GUNDAM'?" Zala asked curiously.

"The abbreviation for the type of Mobile Suits taken from Heliopolis," I said. "It came out as 'GUNDAM'."

"Huh." Zala looked up at the Mobile Suit. "Well, the official designation is the ZGMF-X09A Justice. And it will be the weapon that will win us this war, 1st Lieutenant."

I looked up at the massive robotic beast. That was pretty much the best way to describe it. It looked like an absolute _monster_ of a machine in comparison to the Aegis and Strike and all of the others. It screamed 'power' even without its Phase Shift up and running.

"It has a built-in N-Jammer Canceler," Zala said. "New technology manufactured by ZAFT. It uses nuclear power and so will never run out of power. It is equipped with a support unit, the FATHOM-00, that can operate independently of the Justice or serve as the Justice's long-range weaponry, however you wish. The FATHOM-00 is equipped with the Fortis Beam Cannon, which is perhaps the most versatile weapon we have ever designed for a Mobile Suit, along with a variety of other, more traditional, weaponry."

"How expensive was this to make?" I asked.

"Extremely expensive," Zala said. "Specialized machines like this can't be made in quantity. Quality will have to do."

"And you're giving this to me," I said, still somewhat in disbelief.

"_Assigning_ it to you," Zala corrected. "I did not want to say this in front of the others, but my son loves you, 1st Lieutenant."

"I know," I said. "I think he always has."

Zala scoffed. "He kissed you right in front of my face almost four years ago now, and even though he's tried to hide it from me he's missed you ever since. Even that pop star, Lacus Clyne, isn't enough to take his mind off of you. I wanted to know what the hell he sees in you, 1st Lieutenant. Why some girl who reminds me honestly of a _boy_ more than a woman is the one my son cares for the most. And why he would place so much trust in you even though you fought him for two months in the service of _Naturals_."

"And what do you think, Chairman?" I asked.

"The fact that I am still assigning you to the Justice in spite of everything should give you enough of an answer, 1st Lieutenant," Zala said.

I guessed that meant I passed. But by the cold, hard look in Zala's eyes, just barely.

"You want me to make the deaths of everyone I've killed worth it," I said. "Starting with Waltfeld."

"Not just 'worth it'. I want you to inflict more pain on the Naturals than you inflicted on us. Much more pain," Zala said. "I want the Naturals cowering in fear of you and this machine, 1st Lieutenant. That's what I want from you. I want you to end this war with the Naturals surrendering to us. Can you do this for me? For ZAFT and PLANT?"

I knew immediately how I had to answer. "Yes, Chairman. I will."

Finally, for the first time, Zala smiled. Only just. It was barely there, for maybe a second, and it was not a smile full of good humor either. He reminded me more of a man trying to seek vengeance than anything else in that moment.

"Excellent. Maybe now I finally see what it is my son sees in you. You were born to be a soldier," Zala said.

His words just brought Commandant Garcia back to my mind. He had said almost exactly the same thing.

"Thank you, sir," I said, not sure of what else I should say.

"You are dismissed, 1st Lieutenant," Zala said. "You will be escorted here tomorrow morning to take the Justice and fly it to the _Vesalius_. Until then . . . do as you wish. But when you fly this Mobile Suit, I am going to want _results_. Prove to me that you are worth all of this pain, death, and struggle it took to bring you here."

"I will, Chairman," I said.

Zala nodded, and then turned to his bodyguards. "You two, escort the 1st Lieutenant out of the airbase. I wish to remain here a while longer."

"Yes, Mr. Chairman," one of the guards said and two of them walked up to me.

"Farewell," I said.

Zala did not respond, He was staring up at the Justice, lost in his own thoughts.

There was nothing left to say. I let them escort me out, and I emerged in a bath of a fake sunset, with the artificial sky orange and violet.

I found myself wanting to launch the Justice right this second. This just didn't feel right. The _perfection_ was just getting to me.

I just did not belong here. I was a stranger, a foreigner, a tourist, what have you. I just couldn't stand it. I wanted Heliopolis and all of its clear, obvious flaws, or the Earth and its random, natural occurrences. Not here. Anywhere but here.

I told Patrick Zala I would fight for PLANT, but it was damn clear I did not believe in what I was fighting for. This was not my country. This was not where I belonged.

I felt like a traitor who was discovering that betrayal was the wrong decision to make.

But there was no turning back now. I had made my choice. If I had wanted to I could have resisted Athrun's attempt to take me here. I did not. And so I was stuck. And if I were to betray Athrun's trust, and by extension the Chairman's trust . . . all I'd do was make the war even worse.

I was being handed a weapon of mass destruction. That's what the Justice was.

It was an oxymoron to attach a lofty name like 'Justice' to a machine designed only for mass murder.

So what was I going to do?

A car suddenly pulled up then, and the window was rolled down. That's when I saw her.

"H-Hilda?" I asked.

There was clear scarring on her face, but she had both eyes now and there was no mistaking her red-golden hair either. Hilda Harken had just pulled up in front of the airbase.

The two men who has escorted me out stepped forward. "What business do you have here?"

"I am here on behalf of Siegel Clyne," Hilda said. "He would like to speak to 1st Lieutenant Yamato. That is, if the 1st Lieutenant would permit it."

So, Siegel Clyne wanted to see me too. What was I, a pawn everyone wanted to get their hands on?

At the same time, though, I had heard the things Siegel Clyne said. He was clearly far more moderate than Patrick Zala. He had a different idea of how to conduct the war. He also seemed far less bloodthirsty and far more sane than Patrick Zala. Plus he was Lacus' father . . . maybe I would see Lacus again if I came.

"I do permit it," I said. "I'll ride with you, um . . ."

"Lieutenant-Commander Harken," Hilda said.

"Right. Lieutenant-Commander Harken," I said.

The men looked at each other, and then they shrugged. "Fine. But 1st Lieutenant Yamato better be back here tomorrow to launch the Justice."

"I will," I promised.

I walked around the car and got inside, sitting next to Hilda. "What's going on here, um, ma'am?"

"I'll let you know once we get on the road," Hilda said as she rolled up the window.

"You're _really_ gonna play that game with me?" I asked.

"Yes," Hilda said, with just a hint of wry humor. "Yes, I am."

She put the car in gear then and we began driving down the road.


	55. Clarity

I'm kind of surprised so many people were surprised that Patrick Zala knows that Athrun has feelings for Cagalli. The very first scene of the fic has Athrun kissing Cagalli right in front of his face! XD I know it's been a long, long time since chapter 1 so I'm not surprised it's been forgotten (though I think Patrick mentioned this in chapter 54 but I don't remember).

Anyway, enjoy the chapter, which introduces the Clyne Faction. Things are definitely being put into place for the final battle even though 'Spitbreak' hasn't happened yet.

* * *

**Chapter Fifty-Five: Clarity**

"So," I said, knowing the question was going to be awkward, "They _were_ able to fix your eye after all."

This was going to be an awkward conversation in general, really. After all, Hilda infiltrated the _Archangel_ to try to _kill_ me, and got her eye slashed by Flay for her trouble. There's no real avoiding it, and it was best just to get the source of the awkwardness out of the way as soon as possible.

"Yes," Hilda said. "But they warned me not to get it damaged again. Next time I'll most likely be permanently blind in my left eye."

"Well, that's good," I said. "The part about your eye being fixed, anyway."

"Yes. Very good. It means I'm still allowed to be a pilot in ZAFT," Hilda said. "They haven't found a permanent assignment for me since my eye surgery, though. Right now I'm mostly acting as a military auxiliary for Siegel Clyne."

"A bodyguard, then?" I asked.

"Somewhat." Hilda gave me a small smile. "Though it won't last for too much longer. I've been given an assignment for Operation 'Spitbreak'. I'll be infiltrating the Panama base and doing some behind-the-scenes sabotage, I believe."

"Sounds lovely," I said. "Hope it goes better than your _Archangel_ sabotage."

Hilda's smile turned just a bit sickly. I no doubt reminded her of Flay slashing that eye open. "It most likely will. They don't have you or Flay Allster getting in my way this time."

Okay. Graveyard humor was a much better reaction than I expected. Though I was pretty sure that if Hilda's eye surgery hadn't been successful she wouldn't be anywhere near amused at all.

"Yeah," I said. "I won't be in the way for sure. I'll be involved with Spitbreak too. They're going to have me join the units dropping from the atmosphere for the airborne assault."

"Ah yes. _That_ is usually pretty fun. Especially if the Earth Alliance starts shooting at you before you can exit your entry capsule," Hilda said, clearly sarcastic.

I guess that was her little bit of revenge for me reminding her about her injury. Now I had something to fuel my nightmares.

"They'll have me doing a small mission before 'Spitbreak'," I said. "I'm sure you know I was just recently commissioned. They want me to destroy a bunch of Earth Alliance raiders that are disrupting the airborne forces assembling for 'Spitbreak'."

"I find it pretty interesting, actually, that you're here in the PLANTs right now, wearing a ZAFT uniform," Hilda said. "You struck me as a girl of strong convictions. I never thought I would see you wearing a ZAFT uniform of any kind for any reason."

"I was being hunted by Blue Cosmos on Earth," I replied. "They want me dead because I kind of helped blow up one of their secret facilities. Well, that and I'm a Coordinator. This is the only way for me and my family to be safe." That was the most I was willing to tell Hilda about what happened to me. She didn't need to know that Blue Cosmos thought of me as someone highly dangerous, perhaps even _special_, and they wanted me dead because I could be used against them.

"So you enlist in a war for a cause you don't really believe in," Hilda said. "Odd way to be safe."

She was _definitely_ right about that. "I'm not that happy with how things have turned out. Honestly, I don't want to be here. I just want to be back in Orb."

"I'm sure Chairman Zala was pleased to have you here," Hilda said.

"He didn't act like a man who had placed me high on the 'to-kill' list, that's for sure," I replied.

"He probably never intended for you to know that information," Hilda said. "He's not aware that I told it to you either. For him, you were a public relations nightmare waiting to happen. Chairman Zala wants a complete unified front against the Naturals, and with him as Chairman, he has nothing standing in his agenda's way. The council's makeup is leaning his direction as well. The moderates on the Council have been whittled down to a select few, including Siegel Clyne and Eileen Canaver."

"Sounds like the PLANTs want a unified front too. You elect what you want," I replied.

"Maybe." Hilda pulled over and stopped the car. "We're at the Clyne's residence. I will escort you there."

"We are?" I asked. I opened the door and stepped outside. "I don't see anything but shrubs and gates."

"Come over to the front door," Hilda said, signaling over to me with a knowing, almost _playful_ look in her eyes.

I walked over to her. "What is it that I'm supposed to be . . ."

That's when I saw. "Holy . . ."

I never thought a mansion could look so beautiful or impressive. It was built with grace in mind, with two stories and more windows than I could possibly count. Not to mention quite a gorgeous front balcony. If this is what the mansion looked like in the front, I could scarcely imagine the back.

"Siegel Clyne is a wealthy man. Though his daughter building a successful pop music career certainly isn't hurting his finances any," Hilda said.

"No kidding," was all I could say.

Hilda walked over to the gate and buzzed it. "Mr. Foster? It's Lieutenant-Commander Harken. I have brought Mr. Clyne his visitor."

An aged, almost British-sounding voice responded. "_Thank you, Lieutenant-Commander Harken. Opening the gates._"

The gates swung up with just the slightest _creak_. They were almost old-school in appearance, without any buzzing or grinding that would signify something more mechanical. There was hardly any indicator that the gates were powered by a machine at all.

"Well? Come along," Hilda said. "It's not everyday that a ZAFT pilot gets to meet Siegel Clyne, after all."

"Uh . . . yeah. Sure." I followed Hilda past the gates and they gracefully swung back into place behind me.

I am sure that the gates were something most ordinary and nice to the Coordinators who lived in the PLANTs, but to me, it was almost as if a _ghost_ swung them shut. It creeped me out for a moment.

Made me wonder what it would be like to truly meet Siegel Clyne . . .

* * *

The first thing that greeted me at the door was a pink robotic ball that I recognized as one of Lacus' Haro doohickeys.

"_Visitor! Visitor! We have a visitor! We have a visitor!_" shouted the pink robotic ball as it bounced towards me and right into my hands.

We stared at each other for a second. Then the ball tried to leap from my hands, almost instantly. "_Wait! Wait! You're the meanie boy who punched Lacus! You're the meanie boy who punched Lacus!_"

Okay. It was bad enough when _humans_ called me a boy. But it was entirely another when this massively annoying robo-ball called me one! And apparently thought I was a boy all these months!

That was it. I could hold my temper against humans because there'd be consequences, but against this pink little annoyance? Forget it! Stress relief as long last!

As I raised the ball above my head to fastball it into the ground, I heard a familiar voice. "Wait! Don't smash the pink Haro! He's my favorite!"

Of _course_ it was.

I turned and I saw Lacus Clyne standing in the middle of the hallway, wearing a white dress with purple trim. Surrounding her were . . . not three, not four, but _five_ more of the little robotic annoyances, all in different colors, and all chattering away.

Considering Lacus' eyes, I do believe in that moment that I looked like I had _snapped_.

"Can I smash at least _one_ of them?" I asked, personally unsure of how serious I was being. "You wouldn't miss one of them, would you?"

"Why would you do that?" Lacus said, playing up the airhead pop princess persona for all it was worth. "It's unnecessary violence!"

That's when all of the Haros bounded towards, chattering their various insults and indignances along with the pink one that was still calling for help.

It was too much all at once. I could not help myself.

I screamed.

* * *

"I apologize for the Haros," Lacus offered once we found a private room away from her . . . her soulless _minions_ of _evil_. "They are very protective of each other and of me."

"I hadn't noticed," I said sarcastically.

Hilda and Lacus and the butler, Mr. Foster, had managed to round up all of Lacus' little 'pets" and herd them away right after I screamed. I do think that if they hadn't done that I would have gone on a rampage against those Haros until I was physically stopped. I had been through a _lot_ and those devious little bastards had finally pushed me over the edge.

The worst part is that I would have _liked_ it. A small part of me still fantasizes about smashing all of Lacus' Haros. Really.

"I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you punched Lacus," Hilda said.

"She and I got off on the wrong foot," I said. "The pink Haro didn't help."

"Clearly, Cagalli plus Haros equals violence," Hilda said under her breath.

Lacus chuckled. We had both heard her, and I couldn't help but feel embarrassed. I knew my face was turning red too.

"Sorry," I managed.

"It's all right," Lacus said. Her voice and mannerisms had changed from the hallway, she was reminding me of the Lacus I had spoken to on the _Archangel_. She was a politician's daughter at this point, not an airheaded pop star. I liked Lacus a lot more when she was like this and not . . . well, basically my worst nightmare.

"I never thought I would see you again to be honest," Lacus said. "I was shocked when Athrun told me he had recruited you into ZAFT. I thought you never would have volunteered for ZAFT's forces, you were pretty clear about that."

"I didn't have much of a choice," I said. "I don't know how much Athrun told you, but Blue Cosmos thought I was a threat to them alive and they tried to kill me multiple times. I felt that Athrun bringing me into ZAFT was the only way to protect myself and my family. It's not like I'm betraying my country by doing so, Orb is still neutral and I accomplished my obligations on the _Archangel_."

"Hmm." Lacus actually looked kind of _sad_ in that moment. But it seemed to be directed towards _me_, like she was putting me before her. "I understand. Athrun did give me a pretty good idea of what happened, so I can guess how conflicted you must feel right now."

Conflicted? I wasn't just 'conflicted', I felt like I was being ripped in two. "You don't know the half of it. I don't believe in the PLANTs or their ideals. And I'm afraid the new Chairman of the Supreme Council is an ideologue of the worst kind."

"Patrick Zala?" Lacus asked.

"Yeah. He was trying to soften it around me, but he despises the Naturals. That much I could see," I said. "I don't think he would shed any tears if the Naturals were wiped out of existence, let's leave it that way."

"His wife was killed on Junius Seven," said a new voice.

I recognized the voice from the meeting before ours that morning. Siegel Clyne. I turned and saw him walk into the room, and he looked every bit as tired as I felt.

"Patrick Zala was never the most . . . _sympathetic_ individual, but the Bloody Valentine hardened his prejudices against the Naturals," Clyne said. "After all, he felt that the Earth Alliance had launched an unjustifiable sneak attack against a peaceful PLANT. Murdered his wife for no reason."

"Well, it _was_ a sneak attack," Hilda offered.

"Evidence shows that the Earth Alliance may not have had anything to do with it," Siegel Clyne said. "It may have been a rogue act by Blue Cosmos or some other group like them. But it did not matter to most people following the attack. It was professional and well-executed and it killed a lot of our people for no reason other than petty hatred, and so we went to war."

"Considering how Blue Cosmos and the Earth Alliance seem to go hand in hand these days, I wouldn't put it past Earth Alliance involvement in some way, shape, or form," I replied.

"That does seem to be the case, doesn't it?" Lacus said. "But the question I want to ask you, Cagalli, is _why_are you fighting for ZAFT? You said you only came to the PLANTs for your family's safety and your own. You did not have to enlist."

I guess that was true. I didn't _have_ to. I let Athrun and Rau Le Creuset railroad me into the elite pilot corps.

"Athrun is my friend," I said, finally. "I guess I enlisted because I want to help him and protect him. He's put himself at risk for my sake many times."

Lacus smiled. "Athrun is a good person and he's dedicated to his friends and allies. I admire that about him to be honest."

"He's not like his father," I said. "I don't see the same hatred in him that I see in Patrick Zala."

Siegel sighed. He finally sat down next to his daughter. "I personally wonder if Patrick has any interest in peace. I know he said he wants to wait until after Operation 'Spitbreak' is over, but I wonder what his plans are if 'Spitbreak' manages to succeed. He doesn't seem to be seriously considering the idea of peace."

"The wrong kind of victory will just breed another war," Lacus said. "History shows that an unjust peace will create resentment and eventually a war."

"History?" I asked. "What history? There's a big gap in our 'history' after year 2307 in Anno Domini," I said. "We don't have many concrete records of the Reconstruction War or what else happened in the first few years of Cosmic Era either."

"Why do you think that is? Why are those records hidden or destroyed?" Lacus asked.

It took me a moment. "The victors write the history books, don't they?"

"The victors can also erase the history books of whatever they don't like," Lacus said. "It may not have anything to do with them, or took place hundreds of years before. If they don't like it, they can seal it away from public knowledge or destroy it."

Lacus sighed. "I believe that is Blue Cosmos' motivation for eliminating the Coordinators. They believe that a grave error was made in creating the Coordinator and they must erase us as thoroughly as possible."

"They do like their 'cleanse' and 'pure and blue world' language," I said.

"The worst of us aren't much different," Siegel Clyne said. "Many of us have come to believe we are some evolved, superior form of humanity. The inconvenient truth is that we _didn't_ evolve. We were created by Naturals."

"That's what I told Chairman Zala, but he didn't listen," I said. Siegel Clyne's eyes seemed to widen at that. "You truly said that to him?"

"The Chairman of the Supreme Council is a man," I said. "I'm not afraid of him. The only thing I was afraid of was being dismissed from Athrun Zala's unit. I didn't want everything Athrun went through to bring me here to be for nothing."

Siegel Clyne sighed. "You are a . . . _different_ girl."

Lacus chuckled. "Cagalli is unique, Father. Wonderfully unique. That's why I like her. We don't have enough people cutting against the grain here in the PLANTs."

"Why did you bring me here?" I asked. "This feels almost like a type of interview."

Siegel Clyne sighed and he stood up. He seemed to stare into space for a second. "I . . . am worried about Patrick Zala. If worse comes to worse, I want to see if you're trustworthy, 1st Lieutenant Cagalli Yamato. Whether your morals transcend the labels of 'Naturals' and 'Coordinators'."

"You think that Chairman Zala would commit some kind of genocide?" I asked.

That made both Lacus and Hilda flinch. Hilda even exclaimed "Aren't you reaching a little, 1st Lieutenant?"

"No, she's not," Siegel Clyne said. "I am afraid that if provoked, Patrick Zala will give into his anger at the Earth Alliance over the death of his wife. He will want to make a Junius Seven happen to the Earth Alliance, and I'm not sure if the Council can stop him . . . or would even want to. A lot of them are becoming frustrated over the course of this war and want the Naturals to be dealt a death blow."

"ZAFT doesn't have the manpower to keep fighting like this for much longer," I said. "As it is ZAFT has had to draft teenagers from the very beginning because the Earth Alliance has superior numbers. If the war keeps dragging on like this, ZAFT will have to accept a result less than total victory."

"You understand our situation well for an outsider," Siegel Clyne said, clearly surprised.

"I told you she was politically astute, Father," Lacus said. "She majored in political science at her university. She's done her research into PLANT affairs."

Being complimented like that made me blush. I admit it. It was nice to be told I was smart.

I managed to keep going. "That's why you wanted to accept that peace proposal you were talking to Chairman Zala about, weren't you? You yourself are willing to accept something less than total victory if it would end the fighting before ZAFT's numbers are completely depleted."

Clyne nodded slowly. "Partially. The main reason is that I think both sides are losing sight of why the war is being fought in the first place. I think this is turning from a war of grievances into a war of extermination."

"You're talking about genocide too, sir?" Hilda asked. "I really can't see it from our side. The Earth Alliance, thanks to Blue Cosmos taking more and more of it over, I can see. But _us_?"

"We are human too," Siegel Clyne said. "And we're every bit as fallible as the Naturals are. We can make the same mistakes."

"And you said the Justice as N-Jammer Canceller capability too, right, Father?" Lacus asked. "It could open the door for Chairman Zala to use nuclear weaponry if he desired it. Not only that, but if the Justice were to wind up in the hands of the Earth Alliance, they would be able to use nuclear weapons themselves."

This was getting really serious. "This just sounds like we're going from bad to worse here."

"Now you see why I brought you here," Siegel Clyne said. "My daughter spoke highly of you and said you would understand the gravity of the situation, that you can be trusted to know what's going on, and you can grasp your responsibility with the Justice."

"What makes you think I can be trusted? Your words here could be considered borderline treachery. What makes you think I wouldn't tell Chairman Zala everything you just told me?" I asked.

Lacus chuckled again. "Cagalli, I_ know_ you. You're not the type of person who would allow her hatred to take her over. You wouldn't betray us."

The confidence in her voice, and the friendly tone without any hint of edge, made me realize she wasn't lying or the least bit suspicious. She truly did trust me. "Thank you . . . thank you very much."

Siegel Clyne clearly wasn't as trusting. "My daughter has proven to be a fantastic judge of character since she was a child. I don't want her to be proven wrong for the first time in her life."

"My enemy is not the Earth Alliance," I said. "My enemy is Blue Cosmos and others like them, who don't care how many people they have to kill. I'm only here to protect my loved ones, and to help Athrun. I don't have any loyalty towards Chairman Zala. I don't know where you plan to take things but I am not in favor of this war."

Siegel Clyne seemed to smile, just a bit. "I see. You _are_ a unique person, 1st Lieutenant."

The butler, Mr. Foster, marched into the room. "We have an Athrun Zala on the line, Mr. Clyne," he said. "He is curious if we are keeping her right now."

"Ah, yes, put him on in this room," Mr. Clyne said.

"Understood, sir," Mr. Foster said. There was a screen to my left, on a nearby wall, and it activated.

I saw Athrun's face immediately. "_Councilman Clyne, I was told by Chairman Zala's bodyguards that you may have an appointment going on with 1st Lieutenant Yamato, and . . ._"

He saw me then. "_Um, I apologize if I'm interrupting anything. I've arranged sleeping arrangements for the 1st Lieutenant tonight, at the Amalfis' residence. I would like her transported there when you are done with the appointment, sir._"

"It's not a problem, Captain Zala," Siegel Clyne said. "We're wrapping things up here already. I can have my auxiliary bring her to the Amalfis shortly."

"_Thank you, Councilman. And Lacus . . ._"

He and Lacus seemed to look at each other for a second. "_Lacus, I promise I will give you more attention. If there is anywhere you wish to meet tonight, before . . . before my unit has to depart . . ._"

"It's all right, Athrun," Lacus said. "I have some ideas. Just call me back in an hour."

"_Okay . . . thank you. Goodbye._" Athrun looked pretty embarrassed before he killed the feed.

Lacus chuckled. "Athrun tries hard, but . . . I know his heart belongs to you, Cagalli. I don't think anything will ever change that."

That made _me_ feel embarrassed. "You're . . . a better match for him than I am. I'm a bit of a jerk, you . . . you're really nice and thoughtful. And I know you care about him."

"I want him to be happy," Lacus said. "That's what I want for him . . . more than anything else."

It was like she was conceding _defeat_ to me, in that instance. I didn't want to accept it. I had no right to destroy her engagement with Athrun.

Siegel Clyne stepped in then, perhaps sensing that this discussion was going to continue. "Lieutenant-Commander Harken, please escort the 1st Lieutenant to the Amalfi residence."

"Yes, Councilman," Hilda said.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I know I'm screwing things up and I'm not even-"

"I don't blame you for any of this," Siegel Clyne says. "I can tell by your tone of voice and the look in your eyes that you're not purposefully trying to destroy my daughter's engagement with Athrun Zala. But I'm going to need to talk to her about this and I would prefer to do so in private."

"I understand," I replied. I looked over at Hilda. "All right, let's go."

"Sounds good to me, things were getting a bit awkward around here," Hilda said, grunting as she got up from her seat.

I almost laughed. "It's been nonstop awkward since I arrived here in the PLANTs, Lieutenant-Commander."

"Goodbye, Cagalli," Lacus said, waving.

"Yeah, goodbye. I'll see you later, you and Councilman Clyne," I said, returning the wave, and then I followed Hilda out of the room.

Before I shut the door behind me, I did turn back towards the Clynes. "I _will_ protect Athrun. I promise. And don't just give up on winning Athrun's heart either. I'm not competing for it. There's no point in surrendering to someone who isn't even in the race, Lacus."

Lacus' smile turned sad. "You're my friend, Cagalli. I'd like you to be happy too."

"Don't sacrifice your own happiness," I said. "I just did that to protect my loved ones and honestly I feel like crap. And I'm saying that as _your_ friend, Lacus. Later."

I didn't want Lacus to reply to me, so I closed the door. I wanted her to think about what I said. I didn't want her to roll over and stop her engagement to Athrun, even though I knew my own feelings for Athrun were growing little by little. It just wasn't right. What right did I have to deny Lacus her own happiness?

Now that I look back on this, it's occurred to me that I was being a hypocrite. What I was telling Lacus not to do was precisely what I was doing.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Love's insanity.

* * *

I was gaping again. "Don't tell me that the Amalfis have somebody on the Council too!"

"They do," Hilda said, clearly amused by my reaction. "Yuri Amalfi represents one of the PLANTs on the Council and he is also the PLANTs' top scientist. I believe he has been working on cancelling out the neutron jammers that prevent nuclear power from working on Earth."

"What is with the Council people and their mansions?" I asked. "It's like I'm in a city of castles or something!"

Hilda chuckled. "Councilmen aren't shy about showing off their status. Anyway, I must be going. I am sure I'm going to be deployed into 'Spitbreak' quite shortly and I'd like to try to get some things in order before then."

"All right. Bye, Lieutenant-Commander," I said, giving her a short wave as she went back into the car.

"You can just call me 'Hilda'," Hilda said, returning the wave before getting back in the car and pulling away.

"Right," I muttered under my breath.

I walked up to the gates, and it opened up the moment I reached for them.

Okay. Spooky.

That's when I saw a beautiful woman step out from behind some bushes ahead, chuckling. "I'm sorry. I couldn't resist."

I looked at her. "Wait . . . you . . ."

"I made the gates open with a switch," the woman said, still smiling. "My name is Romina Amalfi. You must be 1st Lieutenant Cagalli Yamato."

"Uh, yes. That's me."

She smiled at me. "Pleased to meet you. Nicol has told me quite a bit about you. I'll bring you inside."

Romina Amalfi was _striking_. I could see the family resemblance in regards to Nicol, she shared the same eyes and hair as her son. But she was beautiful in the angelic sense, like she was pure and uncommonly kind. Kind of like Lacus Clyne in a way. It's an odd type of beauty to describe.

"Thank you," I said, afraid that I was going to stare at her. I privately wished _I_ was as beautiful as Romina Amalfi. I just felt _inadequate_ in comparison to her. Not even Lacus Clyne made me feel this way, like the differences in our appearances actually mattered. I actually felt _insecure_, which was an incredibly weird feeling for me.

But I followed her inside the house and tried to keep from staring. I could hear piano music distantly in the background as we moved through the front hallway. I did not have any musical training so I could not identify the piece.

"You're much quieter than I expected," Romina Amalfi said all of a sudden.

"I'm . . . I'm kind of overwhelmed right now," I said.

"I can understand that," Romina Amalfi said. "The PLANTs must be an incredibly strange experience for you. You've spent most of your life on Earth or in a Natural colony, correct? The PLANTs are much different."

"It's more than just that. I'm a Coordinator, but . . . I really feel like some kind of alien or tourist or something," I said. "And _everyone_ wants to talk to me. I had Chairman Zala personally introduce me to the Mobile Suit I've been assigned. How am I supposed to feel about that?"

Romina gave me a comforting smile. "You're a special young woman. And I am for one glad you are here. Nicol's told me about what it was like to face you in battle. You seem like an incredible pilot. I think Nicol will be safer with you on his side than he was without you."

It took me a moment to realize that as Nicol's mother, she had to be constantly worried about him whenever he was deployed into battle. I wanted to say that _war isn't safe_, but I couldn't say that to the mother of a soldier. She didn't need to be reminded of the real danger Nicol faced every time he was sent out into battle.

"He will," I said, deciding to make a promise even though I wasn't sure I could keep it. "I'll make sure he stays safe."

"Thank you, it means a lot." Romina seemed lost in thought for a second before continuing. "It's all right to mention the Justice around me, by the way. My husband, Yuri, has played a pivotal role in the technology being used for the Justice and the other Mobile Suits in development."

"So he helped design the Mobile Suits?" I asked.

"No. Rather, he designed the Neutron Jammer Canceller," Romina said. "My husband believes this technology will allow us to win the war on Earth. I hope it does. I don't want this war to go on any longer than it already has. This war has gone on for over a year now, I fear that if it lasts any longer . . ."

So Yuri Amalfi designed the Neutron Jammer Canceller that allowed the Justice to use nuclear power. That meant that when I was deployed onto Earth, I would have a significant advantage over everyone else. I would never run out of power and my weapons would be stronger than everyone else's too.

No wonder Romina Amalfi thought I could protect Nicol. Down on Earth, I wouldn't just have the advantage of a technologically-advanced Mobile Suit. I would have a lot more power than anyone else.

I was being given the Justice with the expectation that I would single-handedly end the war in the PLANTs' favor. And that had to be why I was being given the warm-up mission. They wanted to see what I could do in the Justice, whether I would be capable of ending the war. If I could sufficiently destroy this raider fleet, they would send me right into the heart of Panama and have me wipe it out.

"If everything goes according to plan in Operation 'Spitbreak'," I said, feeling that she knew about that too, "The war won't last too much longer. Panama's defeat would starve the Earth forces in space and make the ground forces significantly more desperate. If Panama goes down and if Earth doesn't take one of the Mass Drivers ZAFT has control of quickly, the war is over."

"That's what Yuri is hoping for too," Romina Amalfi said. "I personally just wish we and the Earth Alliance could sign a peace treaty of some kind and just end this war. I really don't see the point of it anymore."

I didn't have the guts to tell her that the Earth Alliance _had_ offered the PLANTs a peace treaty and Patrick Zala had rejected it.

"Anyway . . ." I said, noting the piano in the background hadn't stopped and in fact had changed pieces, "Who's that playing? It sounds too _analog_ to be playing through speakers."

"Oh, that's Nicol," Romina replied, her smile becoming bright and proud. "He's a fantastic piano player. I wish he had chosen to become a concert pianist over a soldier. I am sure Yuri would have gotten Nicol some kind of exemption."

It sounded like to me that Romina Amalfi was even more against this war than I was. And I couldn't blame her. She clearly treasured her child.

"His playing is lovely," I offered, despite my lack of knowledge of classical music. I assumed this was classical anyway. Jazz piano has more of an improvised, wild sound, this sounded more calculated and textured, if that makes any sense.

"It is," Romina said, almost wistfully. "I don't hear it often enough anymore. I was a good piano player myself but I never could win my auditions to become a concert pianist. I know Nicol could, though. But it's too late at this point now."

"Let's not worry about that," I said. I was getting a bit tired of Romina's worrying, but I kept my voice even and calm. "Let's just enjoy the moment. Watch your son play. And you can tell me what kind of fancy classical piece he's playing."

"He's playing Mozart-"

"I _said_ tell me while we watch him play," I said, making sure to walk into the room so Romina would follow. "Come on. Just enjoy the moment. Let's save the worrying for tomorrow, okay?"

Romina just _stared_.

"Something wrong?" I asked.

Romina shook her head after a moment. "No. It's just . . . you are _different_, 1st Lieutenant. Just like Nicol told me."

Seemed like _everybody_ was calling me _different_ here in the PLANTs. "I've been told I'm unique," I said, parroting what Lacus said to me earlier.

"I can see why people have confidence in you, seeing the way you are now," Romina said. "Maybe you _can_keep my son safe."

"I _will_," I promised again. "Now come on. And call me Cagalli. I don't want to deal with military formality right now if I can help it."

Romina smiled. "All right, Cagalli."

She followed me into the room, and we began to watch her son play.

* * *

There'll be a true interaction with Nicol and his family in the next chapter, and we'll begin spinning the 'Spitbreak' wheels then too.


	56. Sooner or Later

I know that this is probably the last thing you guys want to read, but the postings will be slowing down again pretty shortly. I will be participating in National Novel Writing Month once more when November rolls around, and that's going to be taking writing priority over this fanfiction. I will try to update every now and then in November if I'm doing really well, however. I also do not plan on taking a hiatus beyond November for this fic. We're more than halfway through, it's time to get this fic done. I want Bloodlines finished in 2014.

Anyway, enjoy the chapter below. More setup . . . but it's going to set up a pretty intense battle ahead pre-Spitbreak.

EDIT: I have fixed the rather embarrassing "Freedom/Justice" error. Thanks guys. XD

* * *

**Chapter Fifty-Six: Sooner or Later**

I had trouble sleeping that night in the Amalfi residence. It wasn't that I felt unsafe. Far from it. They tried to make me feel welcome, but it just felt _strange_ to me. I just didn't feel like one of them.

I had my ZAFT uniform washed and wore my other one when I came downstairs that morning to see Nicol also wearing his ZAFT uniform. I couldn't help but notice that it looked older than mine, the colors had faded a bit in comparison to my own. It wasn't something I had noticed before that moment, how new I was in ZAFT.

Nicol's father, Yuri, was present along with Romina that morning. Yuri Amalfi smiled at me. "No pun intended, but you look _natural_ in your uniform, Cagalli."

"Um, thank you, Mr. Amalfi," I said. I didn't know why people thought I looked good in the uniform, but it was embarrassing to be told so. It was like they were saying '_you belong to us_', which probably wasn't their intention, but it still creeped me out a bit.

"I've read some of your battle records," Yuri Amalfi said. "It's a relief to know you're on our side now. Nicol told us about his battles against you."

Seems like everyone was talking about my battles except myself. I was going to have to change that in the future. "Yeah . . . I assume he's told you I'm pretty good, huh?"

"Yes," Yuri Amalfi said. "I hope you use the Justice well. I designed the Neutron Jammer Canceller myself."

"Your wife told me," I replied. "It sounds like one heck of a piece of equipment. I'll be able to use nuclear power, even on Earth where nuclear power is effectively useless."

"It will give you a clear advantage over every other opponent you'll face," Yuri Amalfi said. "Even if, theoretically, the Earth Alliance successfully manufactures their own Mobile Suits, you will still have the advantage of unlimited power. The Phase Shift will never fail you once it turns on . . . unless, of course, you choose to shut off the Justice in the middle of the battle, but I don't see you doing that."

"No, I don't see myself doing that either," I admitted.

Yuri Amalfi smiled. "I truly hope you can help end this war, 1st Lieutenant."

"Cagalli," I said. "Just call me 'Cagalli'. I don't need to be referred to as my rank in private like this."

Yuri Amalfi had been more difficult to convince than his wife with talking to me informally. I just wanted to be treated as a guest and a friend of Nicol's, not as a soldier. Being treated as a soldier was just making me feel uncomfortable.

"My sentiment remains the same," Yuri Amalfi said, his smile fading. "This war has gone on much too long. It is a necessary evil, and I hope that the power of your Mobile Suit will force the Earth Alliance to submit terms that will be acceptable to Patrick Zala. I know he rejected their previous offering because he felt that PLANT wasn't getting enough of a deal."

"Patrick Zala believes the Earth Alliance shouldn't submit peace terms," I said, not quite keeping the bitterness out of my voice. "He feels they should submit _surrender_ terms. He pretty much said so in front of Siegel Clyne."

Yuri Amalfi sighed. His eyes looked vaguely sad in that moment, which caught me off guard. He seemed to be quite the melancholy man, unlike his more spirited and youthful wife. "I am not surprised. Patrick Zala is . . . more aggressive in his approach. However, I do hope that his more forceful approach will bring a close to this war."

"I agree with you that it has gone on too long, Mr. Amalfi," I said. "But I'm not sure if Chairman Zala's approach is truly the right thing to do. I think the Earth Alliance is being increasingly influenced by anti-Coordinator forces like Blue Cosmos. That peace offering may have been the last gasp by the doves in the Earth Alliance."

"I know," Yuri Amalfi said. "That's what I am afraid of as well. That's why I'm hoping that 'Spitbreak' and the Justice can end this war before the doves lose all of their influence in the Earth Alliance."

I saw Nicol enter the room then. He was wearing his military uniform, unlike the civilian wear he had worn the previous day. "Father, Cagalli and I will be departing soon. Where's Mother? I'd like to say goodbye to her and I'm sure Cagalli would like to as well."

"Ah, right. I believe she's out in the gardens right now," Yuri Amalfi said.

"Thank you, Father." Nicol looked fairly melancholy too. He only had a short time of R&R, I wasn't surprised that he looked dismayed. I think he'd prefer if his R&R with his family could have lasted forever.

"I'll be right with you," I said. "Don't go anywhere. You're my ride."

Nicol did smile at that. "I know. I'll see you outside, Cagalli."

Yuri and Nicol Amalfi traded their farewells with each other, and then Nicol vanished towards the left side of the house. Yuri Amalfi, for his part, turned to me and placed his hands on my shoulders.

That sent a chill up my spine. That meant that he was about to tell me something important.

"Please," he said, not with the reservation of someone on the Supreme Council, but with the melancholia of a father of a soldier, "Protect Nicol. He does not have . . . have the right _temperment_ for battle. Keep him safe for me."

I remembered all of the promises I had made to protect people on the _Archangel_, some broken, some successful. I didn't want to make another promise. If you make too many promises odds are you're going to break them. But I knew there was no way out of this situation either.

"I will do my best, sir," I said, as if I was following an order. "But I can't make guarantees, especially if Nicol and I are separated. I'm sorry I can't promise anything more than that."

Yuri Amalfi sighed. "I understand. Battle is such a _random_ thing, from what I've heard. It never ceases to amaze me how many casualties that we get from friendly fire, for example."

He removed his hands from my shoulders and looked away. "Then promise me you will use the power of the Justice properly, in the way it was intended."

"That I can promise, sir," I said. "The Earth Alliance will not get their hands on your technology and I will not abuse the power that's been given to me."

"Thank you," he said. "Farewell, Cagalli Yamato."

What was it with people in this country and their dramatic goodbye words? "Later, Mr. Amalfi," was all I said in reply, before I began walking in the direction Nicol went off to.

I quickly found them outside, and I saw Romina hugging Nicol. It was clear they were pretty close. It reminded me of my own relationship with my mother, before I screamed at her . . . before I ran away from her.

It just reminded me that I couldn't die. I couldn't let things end this way with my mother or father.

"Nicol, please, you need to be careful out there," Romina Amalfi said. "Your father's been talking about some aggressive offensives. I really want you to come back home."

"It's supposed to be the biggest offensive ever amounted by ZAFT," Nicol replied. "The point is, for the first time, we will outnumber _them_ on the battlefield. That should make all of the difference in the world."

"I hope so," Romina Amalfi said, although she did not look particularly hopeful. She looked to me. "Ah, Cagalli."

"I'll be leaving with him," I said. "Thank you for your hospitality."

"It's no problem, Cagalli. Good luck to you as well out there."

"Thank you." To be honest, at that point, I just wanted to leave. All this was doing was reminding me about my own family. About how I was fighting for a cause I didn't believe in. How I shouldn't even be here to begin with. I belonged back in Orb.

But at the same time, Romina Amalfi was so kind. It was obvious she cared about me. There just wasn't a violent, angry bone in her body.

"Thank you very much, Mrs. Amalfi. I'll do the best I can."

"That's all that should be asked of you," she said. She turned to Nicol then. "Both of you."

"Thank you, Mom," Nicol said. He sighed then, and looked towards me. "I guess we should go now, huh?"

"Yeah." I tried to give Mrs. Amalfi a casual wave but it seemed to be half-hearted, at least to me. "See you later, Mrs. Amalfi."

"Goodbye," she said. "And bye to you as well, Nicol."

"Yeah. Bye, Mom." Nicol and Romina Amalfi gave each other one last hug, and then Nicol approached me. "Let's go."

"Okay." I turned and followed Nicol out of the grounds of his house. I wasn't sure whether I should say anything to Nicol or not, I couldn't quite figure out what he was feeling, and I didn't want to offend him. Unlike Asta, who even on her best days seemed prickly, Nicol at least seemed friendly enough. I didn't want to alienate him.

Finally, I thought I should say something and did. "Your family is nice. They're wonderful people."

"They do the best they can," Nicol said. "Neither one of them truly wanted this war, and Mom in particular didn't want me to join the Academy. But it didn't feel right to me to sit down and play the piano while others fight in my place. Dad's influence could have kept me from the service but I just couldn't do it."

"I understand," I said. Nicol clearly felt that it was his duty to fight, to suffer like everyone else his age, rather than use his parents' influence to stay out of the war.

I didn't know what to feel about that. Lacus Clyne was clearly old enough to be in ZAFT if Nicol and Athrun were, and yet she wasn't fighting. Was she simply too famous to send into battle? Or did she have her father pull strings for her? Or did Siegel Clyne pull the necessary strings of his own initiative to keep Lacus from going into combat?

I was going to have to ask one of these days.

Unfortunately, it didn't look like that was going to happen for a while.

After all, I was heading back to war.

* * *

Nicol dropped me off at the base and then went off towards his own rallying point. Much to my surprise, I saw Chairman Zala waiting for me the moment I entered inside the base.

"Chairman Zala!" I exclaimed, completely taken off guard. I even forgot to salute for a few seconds, but I finally did.

"1st Lieutenant," Zala said after I finally saluted, "Welcome back. I am here to witness the launch of the Justice . . . and hopefully the end of the war."

"Um, thank you, Mr. Chairman, sir," I finally said. What was he doing here? Was the launching of the Justice really so important? I was even beginning to think that the Chairman had spent all night and day here, waiting for me, like he was paranoid that someone would take his new toy before I got here.

"Please follow me to your Mobile Suit," Zala said, and he turned, followed by his bodyguards. I suddenly got an uncomfortable sense of being enclosed upon, and I saw that troopers were surrounding me on four corners. It was clear that in that moment my freedom was gone and that the only path for me was to become the Justice's pilot.

Patrick Zala clearly did not trust me. I must have passed whatever test he had given me by the slimmest of margins.

"Do we need so many armed guards?" I dared to ask. "We hardly had any yesterday."

"You don't need to know the answer to that question," Zala replied.

Yep. That pretty much confirmed it. I definitely was not trustworthy.

Did anyone tell him that I had associated with the Clynes the previous day? Probably Athrun, he had seen me there. And it wouldn't have been for a malicious reason. Athrun was Chairman Zala's son, after all.

But this was making me worried. Assuming that my thoughts were true, this meant there was a major paradigm shift. Siegel Clyne clearly still thought of himself as a friend of Patrick Zala, but I was getting worried that Zala wasn't returning the feelings. Perhaps Zala no longer considered himself Siegel Clyne's friend, but rather a foe, probably because of Siegel Clyne's increasingly dovish point of view. And if I was so willing to associate with Siegel Clyne, that meant I was a dove as well.

That was all conjecture, though. Assumptions. I didn't know for sure. I had a feeling I never would.

I looked at the various doors. "I assume some of these doors lead to the Freedom and Providence."

"Among other machines," Zala replied. "But they're not your business, 1st Lieutenant. The Justice is."

"I understand. I was just asking."  
"You don't need to ask stupid questions you know you won't get your desired answers on, 1st Lieutenant."

Ouch. "I was just curious, that's all."

"Curiosity won't get you anywhere, 1st Lieutenant. Just following orders and doing what is necessary to end this war against the Naturals . . . end it in _victory_."

Zala seemed more . . . _animated_ than he did the previous day. It was making me nervous. Why was he so excited? Did the prospect of the Justice finally taking off really thrill him so much? Or was it the possibility of what the Justice could do?

Either option was scary. Which one was scarier I didn't know yet.

"I understand, sir," I said.

"You can't _just_ understand, 1st Lieutenant Yamato," Zala said. "You have to _execute_ as well. I need this war won, and I am trusting in your ability in order to end it in our favor. We will have peace in our lifetimes if you crush the Naturals, 1st Lieutenant. The Justice has the power to pull that off."

The certainty in his words were even more frightening than the implications of his excitement.

"I'll beat them," I said, trying to show confidence but not the violence of Zala's intent. "I can guarantee that. With this Mobile Suit I won't lose."

"You better not," Zala said. "A lot is riding on you."

Gee, no pressure. Not.

"I won't lose," I promised again.

We walked through the door, and this time, the Justice's cockpit was open. A technician stepped out of the cockpit then and saluted Patrick Zala and I. "The O.S. is prepped and ready to go, Mr. Chairman. She's ready to fly."

"Excellent." Zala motioned to the cockpit. "Get in your pilot's uniform and get inside as soon as possible. The rest of your team has already departed for the _Vesalius_."

"Yes, Mr. Chairman, sir," I said.

I knew there was no way to say no.

* * *

After I got changed and my things packaged up, I re-emerged back onto the dock. There was no one there, but I immediately heard Patrick Zala speak over the intercom.

"_1st Lieutenant Yamato, remember what I told you. Show the Naturals the ability you showed us for those two months we wasted chasing you from Heliopolis to Orb. I want those Naturals cowering in fear of you and the Justice. Make them learn who is superior once and for all._"

I knew it would look really bad if I didn't at least meet Zala halfway. "I will win, Mr. Chairman. You will have victory over the Earth Alliance."

I had no idea if they could pick up my voice, but apparently they could. "_Make it decisive_."

Finally, rhetoric I could agree with wholeheartedly. "That I can do."

I threw my helmet on and stepped into the cockpit and sat down. The cockpit was roomier than the Strike's, and it seemed to have more functions and buttons, and it seemed to have a pretty well-equipped survival package if I were to get shot down. There was enough space for a full-fledged assault rifle to sit on my right, for one thing. And I could place my carrying case that was containing my dress uniforms down to my left without much difficulty.

I re-adjusted the seat for my size and got everything going. I saw a piece of paper with a code on it, and after a brief attempt to memorize it, I gave up and just entered the code as it was written. There would be time to memorize the unlocking code later, as long as I didn't lose this paper.

As I unlocked it, a compartment opened to my right, revealing a key. ZAFT was being _really_ secure here. Just to get access to the key to turn this thing on I needed a password.

I put the key in and saw another code I would have to put in. The paper had this code listed as well and I plugged it in, and suddenly the machine came to life, all of the buttons and lights glowing like I was at some dance rave. It was fascinating. And it also reminded me I was going to have to take a look at the user's manual as well.

I looked around and could not find it. I looked at the piece of paper, and saw there was an unlocking code just to gain access to the manual.

_Screw it_, I thought.

The O.S. was similar enough to the Strike's for me to figure things out and get it booted up. I heard Chairman Zala's voice over the radio then. "_Not even going to give the manual a look, 1st Lieutenant_?"

"I've flown this type of machine before. It's basically the same. I'll look at the manual before I take her into combat," I said.

I completed the bootup sequence and saw a word sequence display across the screen: _Generation Unsubdued Nuclear Drive Assault Module_.

The GUNDAM abbreviation once again. Just spelled differently and in a slightly more coherent way than the Strike's.

I felt the machine come to life, ready to launch at a moment's notice. It felt powerful, lumbering, like a giant waking from a long slumber and it was ready to rush out into the world . . . or outer space, in this case.

"All right, this is 1st Lieutenant Cagalli Yamato, launching GUNDAM Justice! Let's do this!"

I powered the machines on and launched straight up, out of the hangar.

It seemed to be impossibly long at first but when I was ready to settle in I was suddenly out of the PLANT and in outer space.

So many stars. So many colonies.

And a burgeoning ZAFT fleet to my left. Undoubtedly either in reserve or preparing to depart for Operation 'Spitbreak'.

I wondered if I could set coordinates for the _Vesalius_. I plugged it in and realized through my trial and error that indeed the ship could find any ZAFT ship and its location. It was an intuitive, adaptive O.S., much more so than the Strike's even at the peak of its efficiency. Without much effort, I was able to put the Justice on autopilot and send it right for the _Vesalius_.

I was amazed at how easy it was.

I wondered if the combat would be easy in this thing as well.

Something told me _probably not_.

* * *

I made it to the _Vesalius_ in under an hour and docked with the hangar. Like the chairman had predicted, the only Mobile Suits besides my own belonged to Athrun's team. The Aegis, the Duel, the Blitz, and the Buster were all here.

A technician greeted me when I got out of the cockpit. "Welcome to the _Vesalius_, ma'am. Get dressed and head for the bridge. There will be a mission briefing that will begin the moment you arrive."

'Ma'am'. I was being addressed as 'ma'am'. It was a heady feeling. "Thank you, um . . . Petty Officer."

Apparently my guess was right as the technician nodded. "No problem, ma'am."

It was weird to float around on the _Vesalius_. For the entire time the _Archangel_ had been in outer space, the_Vesalius_ had haunted us, shadowed us, stalking us seemingly every waking moment. In one battle, they had even cornered us and would have destroyed us if Natarle Badgiruel had not used Lacus Clyne's presence to save our hides. This had to be a good ship with a good captain. At least, I hoped it was.

After getting changed and wandering around lost on the ship for a short while, I finally made it to the bridge, and saw Athrun's team waiting for me, along with who had to be the ship's captain.

"What took you so long?" Asta asked.

"I got lost," I replied.

Asta chuckled bitterly. "Figures. The one time I _don't_ want you to get lost, you get lost."

"Stuff it," Athrun said. "We need to listen to the briefing. We're going into combat _tomorrow_ if possible, so we need to take this in _now_."

Tomorrow? We were already going to begin fighting _tomorrow_? So soon? I didn't feel quite ready for that, I was only just beginning to understand the Justice!

I was going to have to pull an all-nighter just to learn how to fire everything.

"Right, good idea," said the captain, who had long, orange sideburns. He looked at me then, and then approached me and extended his hand. "You must be 1st Lieutenant Cagalli Yamato. I am Fredrik Ades, captain of the _Vesalius_. I am sure it must be strange for you to be onboard considering that you fought us for a period of time."

"Nice to meet you, sir," I said, shaking his hand. "And I'll get over whatever disorientation there is. I'm here now, so I'll do what I'm ordered to do."

"Excellent," Captain Ades said. He returned to his post. "All right, let's begin the briefing."

He turned on the holographic displays and I suddenly saw a picture of a woman who appeared to be in her late twenties or early thirties with long, sleek dark hair and eyes.

"This is Selena Hikowa," Ades said. "Atlantic Federation citizen but she was born in the Republic of East Asia. She is the one who has been harassing our preparations for 'Spitbreak' and we're going to take her out."

"She's been winning by outsmarting us," Athrun said. "She's basically a sanctioned space pirate. She preys on ZAFT military vessels and PLANT civilian vessels, disabling and plundering them and is always taking prisoners and shuttling them to the Earth Alliance. Our counterattacks have been fruitless because she employs an extremely loose battle plan that usually involves a lot of fighting retreats until she can get us caught in an ambush, usually in the Debris Belt, and destroy us."

"So we have to outsmart her," Nicol said.

"Or just overwhelm her with our power," Dearka said. "Remember that we have the most powerful Mobile Suits in the war right now, all on this ship."

"It's not that easy," Ades said. "She was once a true Earth Alliance soldier, but was discharged after the Battle of Endymion. Apparently she and her superiors did not get along and they dumped her because she disobeyed orders in that battle. But that's only part of the story. What makes her a true threat is the craft she flies."

I suddenly saw a picture of something I never thought I would see again.

"No way!" I couldn't keep the surprise out of my voice. "That's Mu La Flaga's Mobile Armor!"

"She was part of the same unit as La Flaga," Ades said. "She is the last known individual outside of La Flaga himself who flies the Moebius Zero. And that is why she needs to be eliminated. She and her small force are causing too many casualties and hardships for our civilians and military personnel, and we've been ordered to remove her from the equation once and for all."

I couldn't believe it. My first battle, and I had to go up against a Moebius Zero, of all things? A former companion of Mu La Flaga? They couldn't be serious!

No, they _were_ serious. _Too_ serious. This was real, this was really happening.

_Damn it_, I thought. _The last thing I want is to kill one of Mu La Flaga's comrades._

But I knew that was what I was going to have to do. Those were my orders, and I had promised victory. This was war, and now I was on ZAFT's side. I had to pull myself together and do it.

"Understood," I said. "I guess I should volunteer to get her attention, then."

"That's what I was thinking," Athrun said. "We outsmart _and_ overpower her. With you as bait and causing a lot of damage to her forces, she'll have no choice but to fight you personally. And then the rest of us surround her and take the Moebius Zero apart piece by piece until it's gone."

"That was the plan I was thinking of as well," Ades said. "It sounds like we are in agreement then. Loose battle plan to counter her own loose plan, and we cause chaos to draw her out and then shoot her down. We win."

They all seemed so _certain_ about it. There was an air of confidence in this room that I never got onboard the_Archangel_. On the _Archangel_, we were more worried about survival than victory. Here? These were people who wanted to win the war, who _thought_ they were winning the war. They believed in victory and that was creating a confident swell in the room that I couldn't shake. In fact, I almost wanted to be swept up in it.

"Understood, sir," I said with a salute. I wasn't anywhere near as confident as I was acting but I felt I had to show it too.

Ades nodded. "You'll do great, 1st Lieutenant. I'm looking forward to seeing how you do out there."

"Looking forward to victory, sir," I said, and I forced a smile.

The truth was, I wasn't so sure I wanted this victory. There was just something _ruthless_ about the whole operation.

At the same time, these were my orders and it was brought up that this 'Selena Hikowa' was picking on civilians. I couldn't let that stand either, especially as someone who defended civilians for such a long time on the _Archangel_.

The only way to end it all was to _win_.

And I was the best person available to provide it.

So . . . I was going to win.

Irrevocably.


	57. The Liberation of Gracemeria

Sorry for taking so long with this. This was a nasty chapter to write, and I don't think it was my best.

Anyway, please enjoy this late Christmas present. Regular updates will resume again soon.

* * *

**Chapter Fifty-Seven: The Liberation of Gracemeria**

I had never worked with such a large unit of Mobile Suits before. I had worked almost exclusively as part of a duo with Mu La Flaga, and then a trio when Flay became a pilot near the end of the _Archangel_'s journey. There was a brief period of time when we had some Eurasian pilots and Mobile Armors, but Athrun killed them all, leaving it down to just La Flaga and I again.

This was something else. I was part of a specialized team, five people, and we had a clear technological advantage over our foes. It was hard to not feel confident, especially not in a brand-new Mobile Suit, especially a GUNDAM model.

Captain Fredrik Ades was on the radio as soon as the five of us all launched. "_All right. Looks like we're going to be intercepting Hikowa's forces in the middle of a raid. It looks like they're trying to destroy or take over Gracemeria Defense Base. We need to scatter them, and then hunt down the remnants before they bug out._"

Athrun. "_It looks like to be they're using transportation shuttles. I definitely think they're trying to occupy the base._"

Ades. "_That's worse than them destroying it. Turning Gracemeria against us makes this relatively clear section of the Debris Belt perilous. It must be prevented._"

Athrun sounded so confident and calm. "_Understood, sir. Cagalli, take point. Let's give Hikowa a wake-up call._"

"Got it." I accelerated the Justice's engines and blasted off towards the battle.

It looked like most of Gracemeria's defenses were still operational, as they were shooting a lot of flak at the raiders. But the transportation shuttles weren't like the civilian ones I've seen. These were fast and nimble. They weren't getting shot down.

"_Cagalli_," Athrun said, "_Don't worry about the shuttles. Take out the escort Mobile Armors. Without escorts, the shuttles will have to withdraw._"

At least Athrun was trying to take the path of the least amount of life lost. I appreciated that. "On it."

I had studied the operations manual religiously after the briefing, and it was mind-numbing how much the Justice was able to do. It was all based on the FATUM-00 unit attached to the Justice's back, specifically the Fortis double-barreled beam cannon. The M9 Cervus machine-gun, however, was the one that looked most formidable on the Justice.

I told the FATUM-00 to detach itself from me and target the Mobile Armors. With the rapid precision that only a ZAFT computer was capable of, the FATUM-00 detached itself from me and shot forward. It was running on a computer autopilot now.

Suddenly, the M9 Cervus machine-gun and the four supplemental machine-guns attached to it all began firing according to my sensors. And the Mobile Armors were dropping _fast_.

"All right, the FATUM-00 is plowing the road, let's move in," I said.

I heard Asta scoff. "_I could've told a computer to fly in and kill everyone too_."

Dearka whistled. "_I want one of those_."

Athrun put a stop to the chatter. "_Cagalli, Dearka, you're with me, we're going to hunt Selena Hikowa down. Nicol, Asta, you assist with defending the base. Let's move._."

I followed Athrun through the battle. One Mobile Armor dared to get in my way and I aimed the Lupus rifle in the Justice's right hand and blasted the Mobile Armor right in the center. It exploded instantly.

The Justice _was_ formidable.

Dearka chuckled as we moved through the battle. I barely had to do anything at all, the FATUM-00 was doing most of the work for us. "_Damn, looks like we got them in a panic, Athrun. I don't think they were expecting us._"

"_In a way, we're lucky. We caught them in the middle of a raid. We don't have to hunt them down and if we do this right, we could wipe out the whole unit_," Athrun said.

I called the FATUM-00 to return and it latched onto the Justice's back. It was beginning to run low on power, it had been doing so much shooting. Unlike the Justice itself, the FATUM-00 didn't have nuclear power, it ran on a battery, and all batteries need to be recharged.

I was going to need to remember this later. The FATUM-00 needed to be deployed much more carefully.

Captain Ades got on the coms. "_All right, I'm positioning the _Vesalius_ to cut off their escape route. Just keep the pressure up. They've got nowhere to run_."

That's when my sensors beeped. I looked at my screen, and my heart began pounding against my chest. She was already here.

"Athrun, I have a Moebius Zero incoming."

"_I see her. Dearka, keep your distance. Harass her with sniper fire. Cagalli, you and me will fight her directly. Watch yourself._"

"I'll be careful," I promised, but I wasn't sure if I could. If Mu La Flaga could fight GUNDAMs so effectively with his Moebius Zero, who's to say this 'Selena Hikowa' couldn't?

I aimed my new toy, the Fortis, right at the Zero. I knew she was going to split the Zero up and have the four automated gun turrets fly around and make life hell. Might as well start it now.

"Firing the Fortis! We're starting this, guys!" I shouted, and then positioned the Justice horizontally . . . or whatever passed for that in space.

I guess this was the _true_ test of the Justice, right here and now.

I fired the Fortis, and two bright beams of light blasted from the top of the Justice. As I expected, the Moebius Zero split up, and the beams missed all five resulting pieces.

This is what made the Moebius Zero so deadly. It could be anywhere at once, attacking you with precision. And now I was up against that.

Considering how much trouble Mu had given Athrun's team with his Moebius Zero, I couldn't let that happen here. I needed to even the odds and _quick_.

The turrets quickly fired on both Athrun and I, and I made evasive maneuvers, forcing the Justice to fly through several scraps of debris to avoid getting hit by the turret. I spun the Justice to the left and forced my way through the debris, and aimed at the turret that had been chasing me.

On target.

I fired the Lupus, and a beam went right through the turret. It sparked for a second, with a great big hole in the center, and then exploded.

All right. I could do this. The Justice was proving to be better than even I expected.

The remaining turrets returned to the enemy Moebius Zero, and she blasted off, heading towards the main battle. Nicol and Asta were trying to help the remaining GINNs hold the line, and clearly Selena Hikowa was thinking she could still stand a chance if she eliminated them.

"Athrun, I'm pursuing!" I shouted.

"_I'm with you! Dearka, cover us!_" Athrun yelled.

"_You guys don't need to yell so friggin' loud_," Dearka sighed.

I chased the Moebius Zero through the battle, firing at it, but the woman was a good pilot. I wasn't hitting her, not like the way I had easily wiped out one of her automated turrets.

Suddenly, my com beeped. I was being hailed . . . by that Moebius Zero.

What the hell?

"What is it?" I asked.

I suddenly saw what had to be Selena Hikowa. She looked to be about Mu's age, and had almond-shaped, dark eyes. I couldn't make out much more, though, her helmet covered the rest of her face like Mu's did. Which made me wonder why she had bothered to turn on the video portion to begin with.

"_Ah. I'm being chased by a _girl_. How interesting._"

"Why did you hail me?" I asked.

Hikowa chuckled. "_I'm being chased by a Mobile Suit not in my files. I wanted to know what the pilot they were entrusting a new Mobile Suit looked like. I guess ZAFT likes entrusting expensive things to children._"

I was _not_ going to listen to this. "Both sides have been sending children to the front lines! You're not one to talk!"

"_Perhaps I'm not, but I don't entrust my best equipment to children like yourself! That will be ZAFT's downfall!_"

She was going to attack. I could hear it in the tone of her voice.

The Moebius Zero did a spinning maneuver, taking it to the top of the Gracemeria station. I pulled up and followed it, to see the Moebius Zero spin around and face me.

_Crap_.

I immediately repositioned the Justice's position to allow the Cervus machine-gun to fire. The Cervus did so, but the Moebius Zero split apart again, its turrets and main body shooting everywhere. I tried to have the Cervus rotate to chase at least _one_ of the pieces but I hit nothing.

And then, they all hit me.

The Justice rocked and I couldn't help but cry out.

For a second, I thought I was going to die.

It took me a moment to realize that I wasn't.

"_Cagalli!_" Athrun cried. I spun the Justice around, which didn't feel like it was damaged much at all, and saw the Aegis fire at the main Moebius Zero body as it reformed and tried to blast away.

"Athrun, I'm fine! The Justice seems to be pretty tough! Let's keep after her!" I yelled.

To emphasize my point, I charged off after Hikowa before Athrun could protest.

Hikowa chuckled again. "_Well now. You have a pretty resilient machine there. But can you take another attack like that? Or a third?_"

"I'm not going to let you try!"

I knew that both times I had fired at her when she was about to split her Moebius Zero apart, I had missed completely. I needed to time this so I would hit _one_ of the pieces during the sequence. Instead of aiming dead-center, I needed to hit the Moebius Zero at an _angle_. Even though I would only blow one piece up, that would substantially weaken Hikowa. And maybe I would get lucky and destroy the main body, but considering how things were going so far I wasn't going to count on luck.

So I aimed at the upper left corner and fired just as the Moebius Zero split apart again.

I was rewarded with an explosion.

I saw the main body and two turrets escape the explosion and fly at me, but I saw Athrun and Dearka both lay down suppressive fire that forced Hikowa to pull back and reform the Zero, but she was down to just two turrets.

"_Very good! You're showcasing an admirable amount of talent, child!_" Hikowa said.

"Do yourself a favor and surrender. Our flagship and the Gracemeria base have your forces surrounded. They're going to be cut apart," I replied.

"_I already got two of my shuttles to successfully land inside the Gracemeria base. I'm not going to surrender_just_ yet._"

Athrun's voice came on my ear. "_Stop talking to her, Cagalli! She's trying to distract us!_"

Before I could answer, I heard Hikowa again. "_Cagalli? Are you _the_ Cagalli? Cagalli Yamato?_"

How the _hell_ did she hear of me? "Yes, that's my name. Why?"

"_I thought you were serving in the Earth Forces._"

"I defected." A loaded statement, but I wasn't going to go into a long philosophical discussion with her. Not in the middle of a battle.

"_Tsk. A shame. The Earth Forces badly needed you. I suppose it was expected, though._"

"You have _no_ idea what motivated me to make my decision, and you'll never understand. Now surrender or you _will_ die here!" I replied.

Despite their forces being surrounded by the Gracemeria fortress and the _Vesalius_, the raiders were still giving a good account of themselves. It didn't help we were outnumbered, or that three of us, instead of shooting raiders down, were chasing their ringleader all over the place.

Hikowa laughed. "_Like I said, I have no plans to surrender. I have a job left to do. Also, once I have your fortress, that little ship of yours won't stand a chance in hell_."

"That's assuming you'll take it." At that moment, I locked on.

I aimed the Lupus rifle and fired several shots with it, and Hikowa dodged my attacks as I continued to chase her through the battle. A couple of Mobile Armors tried to get in my way, but Athrun quickly shot those down. The woman was a good pilot, and in spite of having inferior equipment, was managing to evade me, Athrun, and Dearka.

She wasn't on Mu La Flaga's level. He had been able to fight Athrun's squad off without his Moebius Zero taking heavy damage most of the time. She had already lost two turrets in this one and there was no conceivable escape for her.

Hikowa split her Moebius Zero up again, and Athrun this time nailed one of the turrets, making it explode. Hikowa zipped past Athrun and I, though, along with her one remaining turret, heading right for Dearka.

"_Damn it_," Dearka growled as he realized what was happening.

I spun the Justice around. "Stop it!"

I shot at the Moebius Zero, but none of my shots got close to connecting. The Buster launched its own barrage, but Hikowa dodged all of those too.

Athrun zipped past me, the Aegis in Mobile Armor form. Before I could ask what Athrun was doing, the Aegis caught up to the lone remaining turret and _rammed_ it. The turret spun out of control and crashed into the wreckage of a dead ship, exploding.

Hikowa, down to just the main part of the Moebius Zero, broke off her attack on Dearka, and shot off towards the base again. "_Not a bad strategy, children. I'm impressed._"

"_Stop mouthing off at us and just die already!_" Dearka yelled.

Hikowa laughed as she dodged another Buster barrage. "_My time for death will come soon, probably in this battle. But not yet._"

It took me a moment to realize that the Moebius Zero was angling for one of the Gracemeria base's hangar bays.

"Athrun!" I shouted.

"_I see what she's doing! Nicol, Asta, break off from what you're doing and stop her_!" Athrun ordered.

"_We can't!_" Nicol replied.

"_Damn it_!" Athrun growled. The Aegis shot past me, and I followed him.

"Athrun, what do we do if she docks inside the Gracemeria base?" I asked.

"_We have to stop her one way or another, Cagalli,_" Athrun replied. "_Even if we have to climb out of our Mobile Suits and shoot her personally._"

My heart skipped a beat at that thought. I already spent one harrowing night in ground combat. The thought of me having to do _more_ hand-to-hand fighting brought back terrifying memories of Tassil. Not something I wanted to relive again.

The Moebius Zero sped into the hangar bay, and I watched Athrun. He wasn't pulling up, he had every attention of landing in there.

"_The hangar bay is _not_ pressurized,_" Athrun said. "_Leave your helmets and suits on. Something tells me we'll have to do this the hard way_."

I felt more terrified of trying to kill Selena Hikowa with a gun than I did of trying to shoot her down in the Justice. My hands were already shaking as I piloted the Justice to follow the Aegis inside the Gracemeria base, setting the Justice down right beside the Aegis.

I prepared to open the hatch, but I heard Athrun shout "_Cagalli! Wait!_"

"What? What am I waiting for?" I asked.

Silence.

"Athrun?" I asked.

Still silence.

My heart began slamming against my chest. I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't.

"Athrun, what's wrong? Answer me!"

"_She was aiming for you, Cagalli_," Athrun finally said. "_I got her to back off and change positions. You and Dearka can both open your hatches_."

I breathed a deep sigh of relief. Of course Athrun wouldn't die. Not on our first mission together. After all of those months fighting each other, and now that we were together, it would have been too cruel for words if Athrun had died in this battle. "Thank you. Just don't scare me like that."

I opened the hatch and grabbed the assault rifle beside my cockpit. I only had two clips for it, I was going to need to use the ammunition wisely. The advantage of zero gravity would be that there wouldn't be much of a recoil, since the gun was weightless just like I was. I would be an elite shot, like I had been a soldier my whole life.

However, so would anyone else. Zero gravity was the great equalizer.

Dearka and I floated to Athrun, who had taken cover behind a half-wrecked GINN. "_What's the plan_?" Dearka asked.

"_We track her down and kill her_," Athrun said. "_Watch yourselves. We're in a vacuum. We can't hear_anything_, and our bullets' ranges are gonna be reduced. Also, one hit and you're basically dead, no matter where you get hit._"

Coming in here after her seemed more and more like a stupid decision to me.

I leaned out, and suddenly saw a bullet immediately head straight for me. I ducked back to let it pass by.

My heart slammed against my chest and I felt like collapsing. If it weren't for the vacuum I would have had my head blown off right then and there.

"_Cagalli_?" Athrun asked.

"S-She already took a shot at me. She's . . . she's somewhere up ahead," I managed. I didn't want to imply how close of a call I just had.

"_Damn it, we're pinned down_," Dearka growled.

"_No, we're not,_" Athrun replied. "_Cagalli, blind-fire in her general direction. Dearka and I will sneak up on her and kill her_."

"All right," I managed. I peeked my rifle out and did exactly what Athrun told me to do, blind-fire. I used up five three-round bursts, and then ducked back, to see Athrun and Dearka had both vanished. I was alone.

I wanted to throw up.

I couldn't hear a single damn thing in this vacuum and it was _scaring_ me. She could come from anywhere, at any time, and I had no clue where Athrun and Dearka could be.

I kept looking back and forth, up and down, waiting for Selena Hikowa to appear and try to kill me. I thought about changing out my half-empty clip, but my hands were shaking so much that I wasn't sure if I could pull it off without screwing up.

All I could hear were the sounds of my own short, ragged, fearful breaths, waiting for death to come from any possible direction.

Then I heard Athrun. "_Cagalli! We found her! She went into a pressurization chamber, she's going to head inside the base_!"

I almost breathed a sigh of relief. That meant that Selena wasn't going to kill me the moment I left my cover.

"I'm on my way!" I replied, and floated out from my cover and went straight for Athrun and Dearka. They were floating by a door, and Dearka was clearly trying to force his way inside.

Finally, Dearka punched the door in frustration. "_I can't override the security protocols! She's gonna get inside_!"

"_No, she's not_," Athrun said grimly.

"What do you mean?" I asked, and then I saw it.

A satchel charge.

"You're gonna blow her up," I said.

"_We have no choice_," Athrun replied.

I heard a _click_ as Athrun moved us onto the general channel. "_Selena Hikowa, I know you're in there! It's going to take thirty more seconds for the chamber to fully pressurize so you can head inside the base! However, I have a satchel charge set to _five_ seconds! You can either surrender, or die when I blow this charge and suck you back out here!_"

Hikowa sighed. "_You really think this is over, do you, child_?"

"_Is that a 'no', then_?" Athrun asked.

A pause. "_I suppose so_."

"_So be it_." Athrun slammed the charge on the door and activated the timer. "_Everyone, back off_!'

Hikowa laughed. "_You think you're doing the right thing, children? Let me tell you this, at the rate this is going, we're _all_ going to die, all because we thought we were doing-_"

The door blew open, and I heard Hikowa cry out as she was sucked back out into the same chamber we were. She was scrambling to get her weapon in position to fire, but both Athrun and Dearka aimed at her and fired first.

Blood gushed from multiple holes in her spacesuit and I saw Hikowa's visor shatter, and I looked away. I did not want to see this woman's horrible death.

Athrun took a long, deep breath, and exhaled. "_All right. We got her. I'm going to inform Captain Ades, and then we're going to head back out and clean up the remaining resistance._"

It amazed me how distant Athrun was. But I didn't say anything. I wasn't a rookie anymore, and I knew why Athrun was being distant.

He needed to disconnect himself from the people he killed in order to move on.

I couldn't help but wonder how long he could do that without losing what made him . . . _Athrun_.

* * *

Captain Fredrick Ades greeted us all personally on the bridge after that mission. "Excellent job, all of you. We wiped out Hikowa's entire group, either by taking them prisoner or otherwise eliminating their resistance."

I didn't feel like I had done anything worth congratulating over. I just felt like I had killed people. And for what?

Ades, as if sensing what I was thinking, continued on. "With our victory, Gracemeria will continue to hold this position and serve as an outpost in the debris belt to assist our fleet as we assemble for Spit Break. We all saved a lot of lives today. You are all dismissed."

"Yes, sir!" the other four pilots beside me all said, followed by the odd ZAFT salute. I barely remembered in time to mimic them, though I felt like I was still a second or so behind them.

"What's next for us?" Dearka asked as we left the bridge.

"Probably Spit Break itself," Nicol said. "Which means we're dropping into Panama."

"The Naturals have to have fortified Panama. They're stupid but not _that_ stupid," Asta replied. "They'll be waiting for us."

"Yeah, but it's pretty damn clear to me they've got nothing that can match these Mobile Suits of ours. Especially the Justice. You saw that FATUM-00 thing Cagalli's got? That takes care of a ton of the work for us!"

"Not if it gets shot down," I replied.

"Well, it didn't, so why worry?" Dearka asked, presumably rhetorically.

"We can't get overconfident. Spit Break is going to be the largest offensive we've mustered in this war, and I am sure the Earth Alliance knows we'll be coming. Panama's too obvious of a target," Athrun said. "So yeah, we _should_ worry. Even with us there, a lot of people are gonna die."

"Geez, what made you the wet blanket today?" Dearka sighed, but he didn't say anything more.

Athrun looked at all of us. "We should take as restful of a sleep as possible before tomorrow. Spit Break is due to begin any day now."

Oh sure, Athrun. Tell us to get a restful sleep _and_ that Spit Break was due to begin? Counter-productive.

But everyone set off on their own, and I stayed in the hall by myself, left behind.

I thought about Hikowa, how she had built up that whole operation from scratch, and we just destroyed it all in a single battle.

Who's to say that couldn't happen to us, too?

That comforting thought followed me for the rest of the day . . . and into the night.

* * *

Operation Spit Break begins next chapter!


	58. Coming Down

It's that time of year again for regular Bloodlines updates. Let's see how long I can keep this up. I'll NaNoWriMo Bloodlines Part Four if I have to in order for this fic to be finished in an appropriate amount of time.

Thank you for your patience. Hopefully the updates will continue until the fic is done or nearly so.

* * *

**Chapter Fifty-Eight: Coming Down**

It was a couple of days later when I saw the burgeoning fleet outside the hallway windows.

"Quite a sight, isn't it?" Athrun asked.

I looked over at Athrun, who was floating towards me, though his eyes were peeled outside as well, looking at the same fleet I was.

"This is the fleet for 'Operation Spitbreak', isn't it?" I asked.

"It is," Athrun said. "A lot of Mobile Suits will be descending from orbit in order in order to surprise the Earth forces. The objective would be for us to disrupt the defenses and reinforcements for the beachhead defenders at Panama, at least, that's my understanding."

It was odd how calm Athrun's voice was considering that the battle had to be rapidly approaching, maybe even in hours. It wasn't comforting to me, surprisingly. I wanted to shake, I wanted to float away somewhere and wrap my head around the idea of participating in such a massive operation. But Athrun was a veteran. He had seen a lot of war, a lot more than I did. Maybe he was grimly accepting his duty, and maybe that was why he was the leader of our unit, more than him being Patrick Zala's son.

"This looks like an all-out assault," I finally said.

"It is. Panama is heavily fortified, but it's a necessary move," Athrun replied. "If we cut off the Earth Alliance forces in space from being supplied on the ground, the war is pretty much over. We're going right into the teeth because it's the quickest way to end the war in our favor."

He looked at me then, which suddenly made my chest tighten, just a little. This was getting embarrassing, the little things that were happening whenever Athrun looked at me in private. I shouldn't have been feeling like a lovesick schoolgirl, but that seemed to be what was happening to me whenever I gazed into his eyes, without the distraction of something important going on.

I was afraid of the implications, but I wasn't going to hide from them either. Now was not the time to worry about it, though. Not until after Spitbreak.

"A-Athrun," I managed as I consciously forced my feelings down, "What's the plan when we land?"

"We'll be landing right in the middle of their defenses, I would think," Athrun replied. "Basically, our GUNDAM machines will be able to take a lot of damage that the ordinary GINNs and DINNs cannot. So I think our team will be able to weather at least the initial punishment. Afterwards, we may need to recharge before we press on with the offensive."

"Sounds that simple," I replied. I couldn't help but think that a lot of people onboard all of these vessels were about to lose their lives, however. But that was war. It is not the private fight for survival I had on the_Archangel_. It's something far greater than that.

I saw Nicol Amalfi approach the both of us then. "Athrun! Cagalli! Captain Ades is telling us to head for the bridge! It's about Spitbreak!"

The shocked tone in his voice and his wide eyes made it clear something was wrong. But Athrun spoke first. "What's wrong, Nicol?"

"It . . . it's hard to explain but . . . let's just go to the bridge!" Nicol replied.

I immediately felt a pit form in my stomach. This was not going to be good.

* * *

"The objective is no longer Panama, sir?" Athrun asked, clearly as taken aback as everyone else in the room. Even Asta Joule had dropped her customary sour, cynical expression in exchange for a look of honest bewilderment.

"Correct," Captain Ades replied. "I just got word not a half-hour ago. The target is now Alaska, specifically the JOSH-A base that is Atlantic Federation military headquarters. Moreover, the attack is going to begin as soon as possible."

"You're kidding, sir!" Asta exclaimed. Even _she_ was fazed by this, her normally sullen exterior had vanished. "How're we going to pull this off?"

"The theory is that the Earth Alliance has moved so many forces to Panama from JOSH-A that it's ripe for the taking," Ades replied. "Apparently, JOSH-A has been the intended target of 'Operation Spitbreak' from the very start, but they kept that info away from the vast majority of ZAFT forces in order for Earth Alliance agents to not discover the truth."

"If JOSH-A were to fall," Athrun said, "Atlantic Federation forces will be put into disarray and their leadership will be gone."

"That is correct. This would greatly weaken the Earth Alliance in a way that goes beyond seizing the Panama Mass Driver," Ades replied. "In any case, the five of you will be put back under the command of Commander Le Creuset upon entering the Alaska theater, so your team will not be lacking for orders or direction, Athrun."

Being put back under Le Creuset's command made me feel uneasy. Something was clearly not right with the man, though I wasn't going to discount my rampant paranoia after joining ZAFT. But he made me nervous, and that included the mask he wore.

"Apparently Le Creuset's one of the masterminds behind "Spitbreak", so you should be in good hands, I think," Ades added.

"I understand," Athrun said. He approached Ades and stuck out his hand. "It was a pleasure to serve under you again, Captain."

"My pleasure too," Ades said, shaking Athrun's hand briefly before letting him go. He eyed the rest of us then. "Good luck to all of you. Hopefully the rest of the orders will be wired to you by the time you have to deploy."

"Yes, sir!" At this point, I was good at mimicking the ZAFT salute on command. It was frightening to me, really. I really was becoming one of them, even though I kept telling myself I didn't believe in ZAFT's ideals or with the views of its current leader.

This had happened to nearly all of the Orb citizens onboard the _Archangel_. We eventually became part of that ship. We had gotten used to working on that ship for so long it had become home to us. It was a part of our existence, and the Earth Alliance personnel had become our comrades. Even the Artemis personnel, with the language barrier and everything, had eventually assimilated into being part of the ship.

That was 'Stockholm Syndrome', right? Was I beginning to develop that for ZAFT?

I wouldn't. I refused to. I could not let myself become one of 'them'.

At the same time though, if it meant being at Athrun's side . . .

In the back of my head, I was wondering if that would be such a bad thing.

* * *

We were loaded into the GUNDAMs first, and then the GUNDAMs launched and were inserted into special capsules made for re-entry, just like all of the other Mobile Suits in ZAFT's arsenal. The capsules worked on auto-pilot, so I was left with a sense of feeling enclosed and helpless the entire time. My fate rested in the hands of a computer until the capsule would break open after atmospheric entry.

"_I have received our specific orders,_" Athrun says.

"_Oh yeah_?" Dearka asked.

"_Our mission is simple. We're going to help establish a beachhead for the main forces to move in on JOSH-A. Following that, we are to head out into sea on the GUULs to assault the seafaring forces from behind so the marine landing force can break through and land. JOSH-A is well defended and Mobile Suits and the navy alone won't be enough._"

"_So we're not plowing straight ahead into JOSH-A?_" Asta asked. "_Honestly, it seems their only strategy for us is 'go straight ahead and smash things'_."

Honestly, I kind of agreed with Asta on that one. That seemed to be the only strategy ZAFT had for the GUNDAMs, especially since I was on the receiving end of such assaults.

"_We are going to be used for the final assault on JOSH-A once the seafaring forces are eliminated,_" Athrun replied. "_It is believed most of the naval forces are Eurasian. They won't be as motivated to protect JOSH-A as Atlantic Federation forces would. We need to finish them off quickly and move in-land and capture JOSH-A as intact as possible._"

That made me realize something. "We're thinking JOSH-A has Earth Alliance secrets, don't they?"

"_Yes, and that's why they don't want us to completely annihilate the place. The secrets of JOSH-A could allow us to systematically destroy the Earth Alliance forces. We'll know their codes, their encryptions, their battle plans, anything you can think of,_" Athrun replied.

All of that would put the Earth Alliance on their heels. If the Earth Alliance was never given a chance to recover, it would end the war.

And then . . . I could head home. My service in ZAFT would be brief, mercifully brief. But at what cost? The obliteration of JOSH-A and the total defeat of the Earth Alliance would leave the Naturals at the mercies of Patrick Zala, and he did not seem like a particularly forgiving man when I had spoken with him.

Patrick Zala would likely not give the Earth Alliance generous peace terms at all. His peace terms would likely be so cruel that they would spark another war decades down the line, with the Naturals feeling oppressed, manipulated, and perhaps even enslaved. How would a victory today help either cause, down the line? And what did it mean for Orb? Would ZAFT respect Orb's neutrality and independence, or would they militarily force Orb to fall into line with the rest of Earth?

This battle would not be the end of the conflict even if ZAFT achieved all of their goals. It just would be the setup for centuries of war and death to follow. Even before we launched, I was becoming convinced of that. Perhaps ZAFT wasn't assimilating me as much as I had thought.

Maybe the only reason I felt anything for ZAFT at all was Athrun.

The desire to protect him had grown, just a little, since the last battle. I wasn't so worried about me getting blown up by flak after re-entry, but the same happening to _Athrun_. It was weird, and I knew why I was beginning to feel that way. I wanted to ignore those feelings, but at the same time, they were there and were getting stronger.

It was stronger than friendship but it wasn't romantic love. It was something else, based on desiring Athrun to live through this war and then find happiness afterward. Was it love, in some way, shape, or form, that I was feeling? Or was it something else, something that is unclassifiable? I didn't know then and I don't know now what those feelings were, but they were causing my heart to slam against my chest and a warm feeling was behind my eyes and in my lungs.

I guess when you get down to it, what I was feeling was pretty much love.

I took deep breaths, tried to ignore my feeling of claustrophobia, caused by being locked in a dark pod with only video screens giving me glimpses of the outside. That's when I felt a sensation of being jarred loose, and I realized my pod had been launched into space, and I was in-bound for Earth.

"_All right_," Athrun said, as if he had done this plenty of times, "_The autopilot will take us through the Earth's atmosphere. After a certain point the pods will open and when that happens the autopilot will be disengaged. The GUNDAM you pilot will be under your personal control._"

Thanks, Athrun. Nothing like knowing I could wind up flying myself into my own death.

"_This better not be like when I fell into the atmosphere_," Dearka said. "_That was hell._"

It took me a moment to remember that when I had fallen through the atmosphere all those months ago, Dearka had joined us in that. But while I needed Athrun to save me, Dearka had been left on his own. In retrospect, I wonder why Dearka never seemed bitter that Athrun had chosen to help me rather than help Dearka.

"_It won't be like that at all. And before you forget, both Cagalli and I took the same trip into that atmosphere. I don't think any of us want to experience that again._"

"_Point taken_," Dearka sighed.

The capsule was beginning to rattle. I figured we were beginning to fall through the atmosphere.

"_All right, when the capsules open up, use your thrusters to slow your descent. Not even the GUNDAMs can tolerate a freefall. Control your descent until you hit the ground, understand? And choose your targets wisely, there's ZAFT Mobile Suits ahead of us and we want minimal friendly fire casualties._"

The rattling became fiercer, and I gripped my controls, just praying I wouldn't get hit while still in the capsule. That would be horrific, and I'm sure, a definitive possibility. It was the thing everyone thought about but never said a word over, so there would be zero perceived cowardice. The kind of chances you took was something that came with the profession. This was war for you.

The radios were buzzing, I was losing coms. This was typical. How can radio waves be expected to hold together while in re-entry? But this made re-entry even worse, because while auto-pilot was supposed to take care of everything, who says that somebody's auto-pilot won't screw up and ram into me? Or vice versa? Were ZAFT operating systems that reliable, that superlative, that they could guarantee the survival of every single person dropped onto Earth in one of these pods?

The rattling quickly ended, and coms returned. I heard Athrun. "_We'll be opening up in five, four, three, two, one . . ._"

That's when the pods opened up and began falling to earth, and suddenly I was in freefall.

I immediately poured on the Justice's thrusters, and I tried to position the GUNDAM so I could aim towards the ground. There was fire coming at us from all over the ground. Some surprise attack this was, from the level of flak we were getting it felt more like they were expecting us!

"They're all over the damn place!" I shouted as five GINNs in front of me vanished in fireballs. I fell past them, blinded temporarily by smoke, before getting a mostly clear viewpoint of the ground below.

"_Use auto-target!_" Athrun shouted. "_I don't want to take the risk of friendly fire! Just let the computer do the work and fire_!"

I turned on the auto-target system, and suddenly I was given more targets than I could possibly shoot at. JOSH-A had the aerial defenses of nothing I had ever seen before. Definitely worthy of guarding a headquarters!

I pulled the trigger again and again, firing missile salvos at the enemies below. Some of them were intercepted mid-air or were lured off-course by decoys, but roughly half of my shots wound up hitting their targets, causing distant explosions, looking like fiery dustballs from my perspective, to perforate the mountainous landscape.

"This is supposed to be _light_ resistance?" I shouted.

"_Well, this is still the Atlantic Federation headquarters! We couldn't expect them to leave it _completely_unguarded, I don't think_!" Nicol replied. Even he, normally calm and unflappable, sounded stressed and strained.

Asta had fallen ahead of us, and she was lighting up the defenses below left and right. It seemed she wanted to make sure she landed first. "_I'm going to land first and secure a zone for the GUULs to be delivered! You guys just keep shooting these bastards_!"

Then I saw that Asta's targets suddenly switched from the defenses to the Skygrasper Mobile Armors that were being deployed. We were starting to fall into their sphere of influence and they began shooting at us furiously. I immediately changed my primary targets as well and began shooting at the waves of Skygraspers approach us, and more than one of their missiles hit me, but they failed to do much damage to the Phase Shift.

"_Cagalli_," Athrun said. "_You're the one who won't run out of power. We're counting on you to keep the pressure on these people while we wait for the GUULs and to be recharged. Keep them off of us!_"

"Y-Yes, Athrun!" I blew another two Skygraspers out of the sky, and then I was hit from flak below.

"God damn it!" I tried to do two things at once then, firing at the Skygraspers with one weapon and shooting at the ground defenses with the other. It was a near impossible task, especially with the thrusters needing to be periodically fired to keep from going into complete freefall.

Alarm sensors went off. I realized what that meant immediately. I was about to hit the ground.

The Justice _slammed_ into the ground then, shaking the cockpit and throwing me off balance. I managed to regain my senses in time to aim my rifle high into the air and lock onto a pair of Skygraspers coming in for a dive-bombing. Desperately I opened fire and my shot hit one Skygrasper dead-on, and grazed the other. The 2nd Skygrasper spiraled out of control, flying through the fireball of its wingmate and shooting past me before plowing into the ground by several of the remaining anti-air vehicles being deployed against us.

I found cover behind a rocky hill and shot at several of the anti-air guns as they were trying to pull back. More and more GINNS were landing on the ground too, which were making the Earth Alliance ground forces' position untenable. Now they were dealing with both airborne and ground-level operations.

It was becoming clear how unprepared the Earth Alliance was, and how close they already were to being overwhelmed.

My sensors indicated the rest of Athrun's team landing nearby, with Asta Joule being the farthest-flung. She was a berserker on the battlefield, caught in the open while the rest of us were behind cover. She was blasting everyone in her way, considering how many red dots were vanishing from existence when her green dot got close to them.

Finally, she made it over to our position. "_Where's the damn GUULs, Athrun?_"

"_They're trying to get them here! Part of the problem is that the Eurasian navy is putting up enough resistance to delay them!_" Athrun replied.

"_Tell them to just fly on through without bothering to fight them then! We're gonna head back there to blow up the Naturals' damn navy to begin with!_" Asta shouted.

A couple of DINNs flew over our heads. Asta's mood did not improve. "_See? If those cheap-ass DINNs can get through, why can't the GUULs?_"

Dearka, for his part, leaned out and fired a shot before taking cover again. "_Can we complain at a time when we're not gonna get killed? We're bunched up here! All it'd take is some superbomb or something dropped on our heads and we're all dead!_"

"_Not like Dearka to make sense, but he is in this case_," Nicol said. "_I'm going to go on ahead with the Mirage Colloid activated. Let's see if I can't make the defenses lighter so we can have a breather._"

"_That's not a good idea, Nicol_," Athrun says. "_There's too much fire everywhere. You can't use Phase Shift with Mirage Colloid on, it's not worth it._"

"_Then what do we do to get out of this mess_?" Asta asked.

Another fight of GINNs flew over our heads then, and I turned around to see five GUULs showing up behind us, gliding along the water then making it to the shoreline to where we were pinned down.

"_We found it_," Dearka said.

I heard a new voice on our coms then, and it seemed to be the commander of the DINN unit. "_Zala Team, they need you back on the naval front! The Eurasians are fighting hard. We'll go and plow the road to JOSH-A wit the BuCUES!_"

"_Got it_," Athrun said. "_I guess this means the first part of this mission is being cut short for us, then._"

That's what it sounded like to me. Clearly things had to be going badly back at sea for them to already call us back to do something about it.

But no one said anything. It was likely we had all grimly accepted our duties. Even I didn't feel like I could say anything at all. What could I possibly say to add to the situation?

"_All right, time for the phase two of the operation. We're heading out to attack the Eurasian Navy from behind. Dearka, give us covering fire from the anti-air. Everyone else, get to a GUUL and let's get to work!_" Athrun ordered.

We obeyed his orders quickly. The four of us immediately charged towards our GUULs, leaving Dearka and the Buster behind.

The Buster leaned out and fired a trio of shots before taking cover as more fire came its way. I joined in then, firing a salvo before making a break for my own GUUL, which proved more difficult than I expected. After a klutzy maneuver that made the Justice look like it was flailing in the air from a bad tap-dancing attempt, I managed to lock the Justice into place on the top of the GUUL and I shot off into the air, heading back out towards sea.

Dearka soon joined us, and we shot out across the water.

"_Okay, that could have gone better but I think I'm still in one piece_," Dearka said.

As we charged across the sea, I could already see the Eurasian fleet, surrounded by flak and explosions. It brought to mind a sense of siege.

In fact, it looked like the Eurasians were being overwhelmed. It didn't look like much of a fight at all. Did the navy really need our help that badly, when it looked like they were manhandling the Eurasians on their own?

"_Man, insert French military defeat joke here_," Dearka said.

"_Something's wrong. The navy doesn't look like they need our help for this at all, they're winning easily_," Asta said.

The thought occurred to me that we should separate. We were winning dramatically enough that I felt confident about the suggestion. "Maybe I and someone else should split off and head towards JOSH-A to help with that assault while the others stay and follow the plan to help the Navy."

Athrun's voice came back swiftly. "_No. We're following orders. Anyway, once we finish off the Eurasians, if it really is this easy, then we'll be able to bring in the full force of the ZAFT forces in theater towards the JOSH-A rather than a partial amount._"

There was a certain logic in Athrun's orders, supporting the idea of overwhelming force. With the Eurasian navy obliterated, the forces currently on the ground attacking JOSH-A would be able to get all of the reinforcements and supplies they'd need to smash through the base rapidly. So what if we were not absolutely needed to defeat the navy? Our presence would be enough to make a noticeable difference and probably move up the timetable a good deal.

He was a good leader, a smart captain, and he accomplished this while obeying his orders.

"All right, makes sense to me," I said. I aimed towards a random Earth Alliance ship and fired. It blew apart almost in half and began to sink.

At that point, it barely mattered to me how many Naturals I had killed in this battle. I had an almost fatalistic attitude. I had killed so many, what were a few more at this point? I was fighting for ZAFT and I was fighting for Athrun, and I had to do my part, especially if this battle meant the war would soon end. Regardless of what came afterward, if the war ended, I could go home.

If Athrun's orders would take me to the end of the war, while staying as moral as such orders could be in battle, I could accept that. I wanted to trust Athrun.

"_All right, spread out and go after the naval forces systematically. Let's make as quick work of them as possible and then we're going to get resupplied before we go back to JOSH-A,_" Athrun said. "_Everyone, begin your attack runs!_"

We accelerated as one, and then charged right into the battle at sea.

* * *

Anyone who has watched Gundam SEED will know what's coming the next chapter. Following that . . . a lot of things are going to change. And it will significantly affect the fates of Team Zala in ways you might not expect.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed, especially after such a long break.


	59. The Inferno

The moment we've all been waiting for. It is here.

EDIT: The "ZOINKS" error is because this fic is hosted on another site (MAHQ) which uses ZOINKS to censor swear words, and the fic is reposted here. Usually I catch those but today I did not. Sorry about that.

* * *

**Chapter Fifty-Nine: The Inferno**

The Eurasians didn't stand much of a chance against us.

They were already outmatched against the combined power of ZAFT's navy, and with all five of us joining in, they didn't stand a chance at all. It felt more like a massacre than a battle, and it was by no fault of the Eurasians. They just couldn't fight so much power at once, and who could?

In hindsight, it should have occurred to me that there was a reason they were so outgunned.

But caught up in the heat of battle, you don't think of such things. You're directly involved, all you're worried about is the slaying of the next enemy. And there were plenty of targets for us to go after.

"This is what they call a 'turkey shoot'," I said, invoking an archaic term that had remained in the military lexicon since the Anno Domini era.

"_May be a turkey shoot but I'm not complaining_," Dearka replied. "_I've had enough hard fights in this war. I could go for more battles like this where it's more of a shooting gallery_."

"_Cut the chatter and keep your focus,_," Athrun said. "_These are professional sailors and letting your guard down they will shoot you down._"

"_Considering how wildly they're firing I doubt they could hit the side of a-OW!_"

It was pretty clear that Dearka had just inadvertently confirmed Athrun's point, especially after Dearka's rapid-fire cursing and the Buster's squirrely movements on my radar.

"_Damn it_," Dearka growled after his cursing session. "_Why do you have to keep being proven right, Athrun?_"

"_Because it's my job. Now keep your focus. The GUNDAMs can only take so many shots._."

Not like Athrun to be so sarcastic. Then again, I didn't blame him. I would have been just as sarcastic in his position, if not more so.

I sunk another cruiser then. At this point, doing the deed was second nature, and I wasn't quite thinking of the casualties I was causing. "Do we have orders to move out? We've got things pretty well in hand on here, we can let the fleet finish them off, can't we?"

"_I don't have orders to move yet_," Athrun replied. "_Trust me, we have orders to move I will let everyone know_."

"_This is pathetic. We're picking on panicking scraps instead of trying to get into the interior of JOSH-A_," Asta replied then. "_I just did a radio scan. They're already through the outer gates! It won't be long until the entire interior is taken_!"

"_Well then, it wraps up before we join in the attack on the interior_," Athrun replied. "_Sometimes that's just how it works in war. You don't always participate in the main assault, sometimes your duty is to make sure the main assault goes off as planned._"

More ZAFT DINNs flew by us then, heading for the front line. I knew that wasn't going to make Asta happy at all.

"_We're nearly ten kilometers away from the damn base, Athrun. We're so far away from the main assault we might as well not be participating in the same operation_."

Athrun sighed. I knew he was getting pretty frustrated, and the temptation to want to move in had to be growing. It _did_ look like things were pretty well taken care of here in the sea. There wasn't enough of the Eurasians left to give the ZAFT fleet that much trouble. We could leave and the fleet could probably mop things up just fine.

"_All right, you win,_" Athrun said. "_Nicol, Dearka, you two disengage when you're finished with your current assaults. We will change batteries and then right back out. If we do this quickly enough we will make in time to participate in the final assault_."

"_You sure about this, Athrun?_" Nicol asked, clearly surprised.

"_Yeah. I'm sure._"

For the first time in a while, Athrun didn't seem completely sure about one of his orders. It was probably because he was disobeying his orders to stay here at sea, helping to destroy the Eurasian fleet and watch for the Panama reinforcements to turn around and come right back at us. But at the same time . . .

There was no sign of the Panama reinforcements we were fearing. The Atlantic Federation should have already peeled off at least a few rapid-response detachments to try to attack us from behind. That's how typical military strategy worked. Was the Earth Alliance simply that taken off guard by us, that they hadn't managed to turn anyone around in time yet?

That was the only answer I could come up with. That somehow our surprise attack had gone off better than we imagined.

"_Cagalli, since you're the only one who has unlimited power, you find a few targets of opportunity and make the fleet's lives easier while you wait for us. This won't take long_," Athrun said.

"Right, I understand," I replied. I wasn't feeling really good about flying around and blasting away more sailors who were outclassed by my machine. But at the same time, this would help end the war quicker, wouldn't it?

Then I got a bleeping noise, and I checked my sensors. "Hang on. I've got some strange readings from JOSH-A."

Athrun. "_Yeah, I've got it too. Something's wrong._"

I turned the Justice over to look over at the distant assault on JOSH-A . . . and saw what seemed to be an enlarging dome of electricity surge out rapidly, encompassing everything in its path.

"_What the hell is that_?" Dearka asked.

That's when the bleeping noise turned into an outright alarm. I immediately plugged in the calculations, and saw the most horrifying result I had ever seen in my life.

"I'm . . . I'm detecting a huge maount of radiation!" I shouted.

"_It's some kind of bomb_!" Athrun shouted. "_Everyone, emergency fall back, right now! Move it_!"

I wasn't about to argue. In that moment of time, the expanding dome had gotten twice as close to us. In about fifteen seconds it would be right upon us.

I turned the Justice around and turned on the accelerator to blast the GUUL across the sea.

It didn't take me long to find out that the GUNDAMs had all turned around and began flying off as well.

"_What is that thing_?" Dearka yelled.

"_It's death! Just step on it, Dearka_!" Nicol shouted.

"_What do you think I'm doing, dammit?_"

As we blasted away, I began hearing cries of alarm and panic before screams and static began overwhelming them.

They were dying. All of those people who flew by us, heading into the front line, all of those people who dropped with us and continued with the assaults on the gates, they were _dying_.

Being microwaved alive.

"_It's gaining on us_!" Asta shouted.

By that point, the dome had fried the ships we had been attacking, and the dome was right on our tail.

A nearby GINN suddenly exploded into flame near me, and I pivoted and grabbed the GINN before continuing on. "Hang on! I gotcha!"

But then the dome slowed down. Then stopped completely.

"_It stopped_!" Nicol shouted.

I spun the Justice around just in time to see a massive explosion erupt from where JOSH-A us, and the dome faded from existence shortly there after, leaving nothing but the smoke of JOSH-A in the distance.

And no signs of life from anything that had been caught in the radius.

I felt numb, looking at that explosion. I knew what had happened, there was no ambiguity whatsoever, but I didn't want to believe it. That what happened was even possible, much less had just occurred.

It was horrifying.

"_Oh my God_," Dearka said, speaking for us all.

"_Athrun, what do we do? Do we head back in there?_?" Asta asked.

"_No_!" Athrun shouted. "_N-No . . . we can't . . . we don't have enough power. Let's just . . . let's just find a place to land . . . there's a few nearby islands . . . there's nothing left anyway._"

Those words, '_nothing left_', finally made it clear to me what had happened at JOSH-A.

They were dead. Everyone. Everyone was dead. On both sides.

"_There's nothing left._" Athrun said, his voice trembling. "_Nothing at all . . . the battle's over._"

He took a shaky breath audible over the radio. "_The battle's over_."

* * *

We landed at a rocky island that was deserted of civilization or most life in general, it was small but our GUNDAMs would be easy to spot, at least according to Athrun. We pulled out the pilot from the wounded GINN but there wasn't enough time to give him medical treatment before he died on us too. All he managed to ask was why we wasted our time saving him, that we should've known that the explosions had to have injured him, and that we could've been killed too.

I didn't have a chance to reply to him. He died before I could say anything at all.

We stood outside our GUNDAMs. Nicol was the only one actually in a GUNDAM, he was trying to raise someone. The rest of us had grouped together, trying to figure out what had happened.

"That had to have been some sort of bomb. A nuclear one," Dearka said.

"No shit," Asta said. "But a nuclear bomb should be impossible! And that didn't go off like any nuclear bomb I've ever seen!"

Asta was right. That was not an ordinary nuclear bomb. I've seen enough pictures and videos of nukes going off to know what those looked like. The sort of dome I had seen was not a result of a nuclear bomb. It was something else entirely.

Athrun was staring into space, looking out at the wreckage, completely stunned, almost like he was in his own little world.

"Athrun," I said, hoping to jar him out of his stupor. "Athrun, we need to figure out what to do."

"At least . . . at least ninety percent of the entire assault force was in that blast radius," Athrun said suddenly.

"Huh?" I asked. I thought I had heard him wrong. "How many again?"

"I . . . I had access to the operations communications. I've been . . . been listening through the log. At least ninety percent of our forces were directly involved in the JOSH-A assault, including the majority of the fleet," Athrun said. "We've taken so many losses . . . we could have just lost the war."

"Lost the war?" Asta stormed past me and spun Athrun around, grabbing him by the collar. "What do you mean we've lost the war?"

"You don't understand. We've lost so many people, people we can't replace," Athrun said. His voice was soft, distant, disconnected. He was barely functioning at all, he was so lost in shock.

"Shut up! I don't want to hear this from you! Get your head together, asshole!" Asta shouted.

Asta looked like she was going to punch Athrun, and the thought of her doing that really pissed me off.

"Let him go!" I grabbed Asta and pulled her away from Athrun. "Stay in control of – "

"You shut up!" Asta shook me off. "You're lucky I don't kill you right now! You fought with those bastards who just blew all of us up!"

Asta wanted to have it out with me? Fine, this seemed like a perfect opportunity for us to fight. Not like anyone was going to do anything about it anymore at this point!

"What the hell are you talking about? Whose uniform am I wearing, Asta? Does this look like an Earth Alliance uniform to you?"

"You've always had sympathies for the Naturals! Look at what they did!" Asta pointed at the smoke on the horizon. "Look at what they did! They're monsters, all of them! They slaughtered us in the worst way possible!"

"They slaughtered themselves too!" I shouted. "Or didn't you notice the Eurasian forces getting fried along with anyone else!"

"I'm sorry, I was too busy fleeing for my life to notice!" Asta screamed back. "Not like I goddamn care what happened to those Eurasians anyways! They're animals! All of those Naturals! _Animals_!"

I think Asta and I would have come to blows if Athrun hadn't finally snapped out of it. "Enough! Both of you!"

"Oh, you're finally coming to your senses, huh?" Asta snarled. She looked ready to punch Athrun in the face, and I instinctively felt my left arm tense up to grab her again. But I didn't need to bother, I saw Athrun's eyes and he wasn't going to let Asta grab him again.

"Will you stop yelling at everyone! Belligerence isn't going to help anyone in this situation! A lot of us just died out there and we need to keep from falling apart until we know who's left!" Athrun shouted.

"Isn't it damn obvious it's down to just us?" Asta yelled back.

"There's no way!" Athrun replied, getting right in Asta's face. "ZAFT _always_ holds back a force in case of emergencies or if reinforcements have to be utilized. That force should have been outside the blast radius of that bomb! We are not alone out here, Asta!"

"How do you know that?" Asta shouted. "That was an all-out assault on JOSH-A!"

"Nicol," Athrun said, taking his attention off of Asta, "Please tell me you found someone on the coms."

"I did," Nicol said from the cockpit he was sitting in. "I got in touch with operational HQ. They were outside the blast radius, and Commander Le Creuset is among those who survived. Somehow our entire unit made it out of this."

Athrun breathed a loud sigh of relief. "That's good."

He turned to Asta, and made a motion in his arms that clearly meant '_See?'_ Asta, for her part, just looked like she was going to collapse. She didn't look much different than Athrun had just a moment ago.

"How long until they pick us up?" Athrun asked.

"Not much longer," Nicol said. "We should be extracted in less than twenty minutes. They have us on radar and just need to gather the equipment necessary to get us out of here."

"Won't be soon enough," Athrun sighed, and I agreed with him.

I took one last look out at the distant smoke rising into the air, like an unending inferno that had sucked all that had gotten close into hell.

What a cruel weapon. What a horrible way to die. And what a immoral strategy, sacrificing their own forces like this just to kill their enemies. I was no military strategist, but I had doubts that the Eurasians would just willingly throw their lives away. They were the least fanatical out of the Earth Alliance factions and they had the most to lose out of a sacrifice like this.

No, judging by how hard they had been fighting, in spite of being completely outmatched, they had no clue they were bait. Usually bait will fold quicker, or make it more obvious that they were mere bait.

No, something told me that the Atlantic Federation had just stabbed the Eurasians in the back here.

And that told me that the war was about to get worse.

* * *

"Commander Le Creuset, sir!" Athrun said, standing to attention as we once again met the mysterious ZAFT commander. We had been taken onboard a ZAFT submarine after being extracted, and we, along with the remnants of the ZAFT force, were in full retreat back to Carpentaria. Sadly, that was where my whole journey with ZAFT had begun. It was like I was going full circle already.

"At ease," Le Creuset said, and we all followed Athrun in relaxing our postures.

"It is good that you are still able to follow military protocol," Le Creuset said. "It is important to keep discipline right now."

He clearly had no idea how close Asta had come to blows with me and then Athrun. I decided it was best that Le Creuset had no idea. Not unless the situation became so unbearable that Le Creuset's assistance was absolutely necessary. The man was eerie and mysterious behind that mask of his and that continued to make me nervous.

"What happened at JOSH-A, sir?" Athrun asked. "I've never seen such a wave of energy before!"

"We're still analyzing it," Le Creuset said. He was somehow staying calmer than every other person in the submarine. I wasn't sure how he was pulling it off but that made him even creepier than before. "But we believe it was a form of concentrated radiation. It microwaved everything within a ten-kilometer radius."

"How many of our forces were caught in it?" Athrun asked.

"An estimated ninety percent of our attack force was caught inside the radius," Le Creuset said. "The lethality rate is likely ninety-nine percent, if anyone survived it at all. The Earth Alliance had a trap for us, and we walked right into it."

How could he just say that? He sounded even calmer than before! Was there any emotion in this man at all?

Surprisingly, Asta echoed my very thoughts and then some. She marched right up to Le Creuset. "How can you be so calm? How can you just talk like it's just a mechanical problem or something? That's a lot of Coordinators that just died out there!"

"If I panic, the situation will worsen," Le Creuset replied. "Right now, I need to compartmentalize everything and try to gather up what we have left. Our casualties are such that I doubt we will hold onto our gains on Earth for very long. I am drawing up contingency plans as we speak."

Asta made a growling noise, but finally she looked away. "Fine!"

I was amazed that Le Creuset was not punishing her for insubordination. Maybe Le Creuset just felt there would be no point.

"Does . . . does Chairman Zala know?" Athrun asked.

"He is being notified as we speak," Le Creuset said. "He will not be pleased. A ninety-percent casualty rate was not anticipated."

"Neither was the Naturals blowing us to Kingdom Come," Asta snarled. "They're going to pay for what they did with their lives. All of them."

"Asta, now's not the time for this," Athrun growled.

"We can't sit here and do nothing!" Asta replied.

"It's unlikely that Chairman Zala will allow us to sit still for long," Le Creuset said. "Right now, the five of you should get some rest until we know what the orders are. What's happened at Alaska was unforeseen. The only consolation is that with the sacrifice of the Eurasian forces the victory is Pyrrhic in nature and it will likely not make the Eurasians enthused about assisting the Atlantic Federation or the Republic of East Asia any further."

"The Eurasians were the weaklings in the alliance, that barely helps us," Asta growled.

"Nevertheless, it prevents this from being a total defeat," Le Creuset replied.

Honestly, I think losing ninety percent of our forces and not achieving the target objective constitutes 'total defeat'. I could not see where Le Creuset was coming from at all.

Perhaps realizing we all felt the same thing, Athrun said "All the same . . . a lot of people have just died, sir."

"And you should feel free to mourn. Right now, I can't afford to. I need to have multiple contingencies ready to submit upon Chairman Zala's desired orders," Le Creuset replied.

It seemed like a reasonable answer. Le Creuset was possibly the last strategist ZAFT had left on Earth. Unless he was removed from duty or the theater because of his failure to foresee the Earth Alliance trap, if he was all that was left, he had to do all of the work on his own. But the calm, controlled nature of his words and the deliberate way he spoke just did not seem right. He was being unsettling rather than commanding, and it made me feel uncomfortable, like there was something else going on that I was not aware of.

"Again, you are dismissed. Get some rest, that is an order. Mourn while you can, because I doubt the Chairman will let everyone mourn for long. He will want vengeance, and you, Asta Joule, will undoubtedly have the opportunity to kill as many of the Naturals as you desire," Le Creuset said then.

"Good," Asta said softly.

"All right, thank you sir," Athrun said, though he was eyeing Asta with an uncomfortable look in his eye. And I didn't blame him; I was looking at Asta the same way.

I could not blame her for being angry. I was angry too. We had barely escaped death by massacre. But Asta looked like she was ready to give the Earth Alliance the same treatment we had been given, or worse. And that wouldn't solve anything. That would just make things even worse.

But, judging by the looks of other ZAFT personnel surrounding Rau Le Creuset, she was not the only one who felt this way.

This war was definitely going to get worse. And I had a sinking feeling in my heart that I was going to come to regret serving my time in ZAFT.

And, perhaps, ever being a part of this war to begin with.

* * *

One thing I should probably make clear, note the "ninety percent casualties" being said. In canon, the casualties were "eighty percent". No Archangel + no Kira Yamato = significantly more dead ZAFT soldiers. The Cyclops worked even better than Sutherland and company had expected.

Dark...


End file.
